Before I get started…
Hi, my name is Rey and I am a New York Knicks fan. As you may or may not have heard, LeBron “Boo, Wah, Boo, Wah” James has decided to Cleveland Steamer his home state to join forces with Pat “You’d Have To Have Had A Soul In The First Place In Order To Sell It” Riley’s team, the Miami f**king Heat.
This upsets me because I hate the Miami f**king Heat. I’ve hated them since 1995, when Riley left my Knicks via fax. I hated them even more during the 1996-1997 season, when they were a powerhouse that beat out my Knicks by 4 games for the Atlantic Division title. Then during the 1997 NBA Playoffs, I hated them with a fire that rivals a thousand suns, as I describe here.
So yes, this sucks worse than Sarah Palin’s score on the verbal part of the S.A.T., and I needed to vent. Also, my man-crush on Mr. Wheeler has cooled, as he currently roots for the Miami f**king Heat. I’m sure I’ll get over that one day, but for now, it hurts.
You cut me deep, bitch. Cut me like surgery.
***
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
People with looks of befuddled amusement? Red ring ropes? Signs insulting the competition? That can only mean one thing: TNA MUTHAF**KING IMPACT HAS BEGUN!
We are taped from beautiful Orlando, Florida home of the Breakers! I’m sitting on the futon in my living room, my dog F.R.E.D. is by my side wondering why I’m not feeding, scratching, or confirming the fact that he is, indeed, a good boy, and my father has christened another romp through the world of Sports Entertainment with his signature catchphrase:
“Ugh, more wrestling? I’ll be in my room.”
Impact opens up with a montage (“Even Rocky had a montage!”) on Mr. Anderson…Anderson…Gonzalez…Anderson. They talk about his alliance with Jeff Hardy. Apparently, Jeff Hardy doesn’t trust him. Backing that claim up is the clip of Mr. Anderson accidentally (???) hitting Jeff with a chair last week.
Today’s episode: “Friends ’til the end?” There’s a Child’s Play joke in there somewhere, but dangit, I can’t make it work. Gimme a minute.
…
…
…
I got nothing. Instead, here’s a clip of a fat guy dancing:
Mr. Anderson is heading out to the ring with a chair. A guy in the crowd has a sign that says “Anderson’s Assholes” with a vulgar, yet hilarious, drawing of one. Mr. Anderson asks if the Creatures of the Night are out there and then introduces Jeffrey Nero Hardy. Jeff, fresh off opening up a chain of pizzerias that cater exclusively to 9 year old victims of abandonment and breaking & entering, struts on down to his awful entrance music. A “Hearty!” chant breaks out, and I can’t imagine why the TNA audience is thinking about soup when the Charismatic, Systematic, Hydromatic Enigma is in the ri-
*checks earpiece*
What?
*listens*
Again?
*listens*
Oh…
Apparently the crowd is chanting “Hardy”, and is not, in fact, clamoring for stew. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Mr. Anderson says that last week he hit Jeff in the back with a chair. He wants Jeff to know that he didn’t do it on purpose. The crowd scoffs, but Anderson says that if he did it on purpose, he’d tell him and the whole world freakin’ world about it and be proud of it because he’s an asshole. Anderson says the world would be better with more assholes in it, and that, much like the bridge of Spaceball 1, the Impact Zone is filled with assholes. Anderson says he’s bringing the chair to the ring because they have a match, and that if he uses it, Jeff Hardy will know Anderson has a problem with him. Anderson also says that if Jeff uses it, then he might’ve had it coming, that it’s arguable, but either way he’ll know that he has a problem with Hardy. Mr. Anderson leaves the ring, and Jeff Hardy, fulfilling his quota, jumps off something high. (take that anyway you want it, journey)
Backstage, A.J. Styles says he’s gonna tear Kazarian apart and that he hopes Ric will be *sarcastic tone* “happy.”
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening. During this break, they show some commercial where this dude is humming a song, and his girlfriend finds the song on Yahoo. Now… this might be the bitter single guy in me, but I hate seeing couples in commercials. I think I might be jealous. *glares* Anyway, let’s just move on.
We return back to Impact, and Jeff Hardy is backstage. Jeff says that when he gets hit with a chair he questions who does it. Not me. I simply say “Thank you sir, May I have another.” It’s the American Way. Jeff then says tonite he’ll find out what Mr. Anderson is about.
Our first match of the evening is A.J. Styles vs Kazarian in a “Daddy Loves Me More, Nuh Uh, He Loves Me More” match. Kazarian is out first, and because it’s Alphabetical Order Night in TNA, Styles is out next. A.J. takes off his robe before he gets into the ring and rushes in. Styles and Kazarian exchange armdrags and punches before Kazarian takes control with a rake to the eyes. He gets off a couple of punches in the corner but Styles responds with a thumb to the eye. A.J. gets in a couple of kicks, but Kazarian takes over with a monkeyflip followed by a dropkick that gets a two-count. At this point, Ric Flair walks out to ringside to get a closer look at the two potential Fortune members.
Back in the ring, A.J. hits a dropkick and a backbreaker on Kazarian, followed by a chinlock. Kazarian punches his way out of but gets nailed with a sick backbreaker by A.J. Styles. A.J. gets a two count off that, and is rewarded with a “Let’s Go A.J.” chant. Then again, they are in Orlando, so the crowd could just be chanting for their favorite Backstreet Boy.
Kazarian regains control with a slingshot leg drop that gets a two-count. Both men then venture to the top rope, where A.J. Styles knocks Kazarian to the mat. Kazarian recovers with the “Pele” bicycle kick on Styles. Both men end up on the apron, and Kaz nails A.J. with a ddt-esque maneuver on the outside. The referee calls for a double count-out, but a scuffle ensues after the decision. Ric Flair grabs a mic and calls for them to break up the fight. The crowd chants “Let them fight!” and Ric responds by yelling “Shut your mouth, Fat Boy. You’re about to get your ass kicked.” Ric then tells Styles and Kazarian that they’re the best wrestlers alive and to quit dicking around. He then tells them that they’ll have to team up at Victory Road against Mystery Opponents. Flair says they won’t be happy if they don’t win, and then tells a girl at ringside that he’ll see her at the hotel, motel, holiday innnn.
We then cut to the dressing room, where Angelina Love has her back turned to us. She’s topless and going thru her collection o’ naughty ring attire.
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to take a cold shower after that visit with Angelina Love.
As Impact returns, Daffney is in the ring. I kinda dig Daffney, as I’ve always wanted to hook up with a goth chick. Angelina Love is out next, and she still remains my favorite TNA Knockout. Miss Love will be challenging Madison Rayne for the Knockouts Championship at Victory Road, and seeing images of both Mad-Ray and A-Love remind me that I’ve always wanted to hook up with a trashy, porn-starry blonde. Anyhoo, it’s Daffney vs Angelina Love in our second match of the nite. Daffney starts things off with an arm bar, but Angelina hits a couple knees and a clothesline. Angelina puts Daffney in a headlock but Daffney elbows out. Daffney throws Love into the ropes, only to be hit by Love’s spinning heel kick.
Angelina puts Daffney in a headlock (fun fact: my friend Joe put my friend Meechelle in a headlock at my 2nd record release party, true story.), but Daffney gets out of it with a rather disturbing jawjacker (“Jack his jaw, Ernest!”). A-Love recovers and hits 2 consecutive powerslams. Angelina follows that up with a Downward Spiral-esque move and gets the pin.
Post-match, Angelina Love grabs the mic and says that Madison Rayne doesn’t have the balls to be there. I certainly hope not, as it would add a very strange layer to my oogling of Miss Rayne. Angelina wants to make one thing perfectly clear: At Victory Road, Angelina Love will be the first ever four-time Knockouts champion. No sooner than she says that, Mad-Ray appears! Zounds! And she’s got a microphone! Zounds Zounds! Rayne says shame on Angelina for underestimating her. Madison says that if she’s putting her Knockouts title on the line, then Angelina Love should put something on the line. Madison says that she doesn’t want love to put her “fake funbags” or “cheap weave” on the line, but rather her career (funny moment: when Rayne said “…fake funbags…”, Announcer Mike Tenay said “Well that’s an idea” the same way he might say it if someone said, “Hey Mike, how about we get some ice cream on our way home tonite?”). Angelina Love agrees, and then says she saw that kind of stipulation coming and had herself a meeting with the TNA Championship Committee. Angelina got them to add that if that stipulation gets added, if Lacey or Velvet (“What is this, velvet?”) get involved, Madison will lose the belt in the event of a disqualification. Madison looks perturbed, and the camera is close enough to show her tongue ring.
*ahem*
Her tongue ring.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take another cold shower, this time while staring at a picture of Kristin Stewart trying to look “sexy.”
Still to come: Rob Van Dam vs Samoa Joe!
We cut backstage to Brother Devon walkin’, and a disembodied voice says that he and Brother Ray haven’t been getting along. The floating voice then asks what he’s gonna say to Brother Ray. Brother Devon responds that he guesses we’ll see, won’t we.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening. In this break, there’s an advert for Red Lobster. That would be awesome, except that I’m allergic to shellfish.
Impact is biggity biggity bizzack with a recap of the entire interaction between Jesse Neal and Team 3-D. They’re pushing the “Student-Teacher Relationship Turns Bad” vibe, and I must say that I am intrigued. We cut back to the arena and in the ring is Ink Inc. along with Brother Devon, microphone in hand. Devon says things have been out of control the last few weeks and then calls Brother Ray to the ring. Brother “Yoo Gotta Luv My Noo Yo-uk Ax-Scent” Ray comes down but won’t stand in the ring, much to the chagrin of Brother Devon.
Devon says he doesn’t get it. They trained Jesse Neal, taught him everything, and says that Brother Ray was the one who interviewed him when he came to their school. Devon says Neal was the first one in, the last one out, and showed respect to Team 3-D, the school, and everyone else. Devon says Jesse has already been thru hell, that Neal was in the Navy and had his ship blown up by terrorists. The crowd boos the terrorist act, and Devon says that Neal’s best friend died in the blast (it was at this point that I teared up, i won’t even lie. if that part is true, it’s so sad i can’t even quantify it. if it’s not true, i’m gonna be mad.). Devon says that Neal even helped carry the casket, and then asks Ray what the hell Ray’s problem is.
Brother Ray says he doesn’t answer to Brother Devon. Brother Ray says that *he’s* the leader of Team 3-D, and that Devon answers to him (and it’s at this point where I get the “i’m getting sucked into a new soap opera” feeling, oohing and ahhing and whatnot). Devon starts to reply, but Brother Ray tells Devon to shut up. Brother Ray says Neal is disrespectful, says Devon is disloyal, and Leon is getting larger. Brother Ray wants to know where the loyalty is to Ray, who made Brother Devon what he is today. Devon fires back by saying his loyalty has nothing to do with it, he doesn’t take sides. Devon says his loyalty is to both men. And Hank Mardukas.
Brother Ray says it’s bad news for Devon, and things are gonna get worse because he spoke to Eric Bischoff, and it’ll now be Brother Ray vs Jesse Neal…vs Brother Devon in a 3-way Dance, and then he’ll see where Devon’s loyalty is. Brother Ray says that on Sunday a 15 year partnership that has resulted in 23 World Tag Team Championship reigns will either end, or it’ll continue on.
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening, which I used to decide that there needs to be a “Monsters of ’95” tour, featuring Hootie & the Blowfish, Blues Traveler, and Boyz II Men. That’d be awesome. It would be! C’monnn!
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and it’s time for our 3rd match of the nite: TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam vs Samoa Joe! Samoa Joe walks down to the ring first, and then RVD’s terrible entrance music plays. The match gets underway and the two exchange kicks and punches until RVD hits Samoa Joe with a super-hard kick to the face, wow. RVD recovers, heads to the top rope, and Samoa Joe pushes RVD off the top and onto the ramp! That’s a helluva fall that could cause some genuine injury…but it’ll be great for ratings!
A few nerds at ringside mock RVD with “Joe’s gon-na kill you!” sing-songy chants, and Joe backs up the nerdsong (like birdsong, only from nerds) by hitting RVD with some knife-edge chops. Joe tosses RVD back into the ring, but as Joe climbs in, RVD knocks him back out. RVD gets out of the ring, Joe gets back in, and then finally jumps back out of the ring with a suicide dive through the middle rope onto RVD. *exhale*
Sensing the psycho ass-kicking happening, the ECW boys comes out. Tommy Dreamer, Raven, Rhyno, and Stevie Richards are in the audience. On cue, an “E-C-Dub” chant breaks out, and in response I chant “Let It Go! Let It Go!” Back in the ring, RVD ducks a kick, then hits a dropkick on Samoa Joe. More kicks by RVD followed by a choke in the corner and a legdrop onto Joe out on the apron. RVD drags Joe back in the ring and gets a two-count.
Back up, Joe gets in a couple of punches. RVD gets a punch in, only to be powerslammed by Samoa Joe. Joe gets a two count with that, and follows it up with a snapmare (sidebar: I enjoy that Mike Tenay knows the actual wrestling names of moves. While I’m “ehh” at best on Taz, I appreciate Mike Tenay a bit more every Impact I watch. I hope he’s not a d*ck in real life.)
Back to the action, Samoa Joe is in control with a crossface-chinlock, but RVD powers out. He throws some elbows, some punches, a kick, and then a HUGE clothesline. All of that gets a two-count, and then Joe comes back with some chops in the corner. RVD slips out (Hiyo!), throws some more kicks, and hits the rolling thunder, which gets a two-count. RVD goes up for, and hits, a kick from the top rope that gets another two-count. More kicks on Samoa Joe in the corner, but Joe fires out with a clothesline that sends both men down.
RVD is up, but gets taken down by Samoa Joe. Joe powerbombs RVD, then twists RVD into a modified boston crab. The boston crab gets converted into a single leg crab, which I will now dub the Bayonne Crab. RVD makes his way into the ropes, and Joe has no choice but to relinquish him from the clutches of the deadly Bayonne Crab. Joe talks to the ref for a moment, but RVD comes back with punches. Joe counters with a headbutt, and whilst down, RVD tries a roll-up on Samoa Joe. Joe manages to counter with a Rear Naked Choke, which doesn’t sound gay or masochistic at all.
RVD stands up whilst still in the hold, then runs up the turnbuckles and flips backwards. Joe’s shoulders are pinned down and RVD gets the 1-2-3. Samoa Joe is stunned. Great finish, and great job making Samoa look like he absolutely belongs on RVD’s level. Post-match, after arguing that he had one of his shoulders up, Joe slaps the referee and hits him with the Muscle Buster, which is a goofy name for something that looks so great, like Zooey Deschanel.
Next is Kurt Angle from “Earlier Tonight.” Kurt says he likes pressure, that it makes him a better athlete, a better wrestler. Then, cementing his place in the Bad Segue Hall of Fame, he says he’s been in the ring with Mr. Anderson, and if he was Jeff Hardy, he’d watch his back.
We are then treated to our fourth (4th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to carve “I H8 The Miami Heat” into the trunk of a tree in my backyard.
We are back, and it’s time for our next match. It’s Jeremy Buck vs Douglas Williams in a ladder match! Jeremy Buck is in the ring, and Doug Williams is out next. Because Dougie is English, a “U.S.A.!” chant breaks out. Williams, fueled by limey rage, works Buck’s arm, then tosses him into the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Buck recovers and hits a sick elbow followed by a cross body. Williams ends up outside and Buck nails a moonsault. J-Buck gets a ladder but then Williams tosses him back into the ring and is now in control. Buck winds up in the tree of woe, and Taz picks then to tell us that Williams is afraid of heights. Afraid or not, Williams climbs the ladder. Buck frees himself from the clutches of the treebuckle and kicks Williams off the ladder. Now it’s Bucks’ turn to climb the ladder…and Doug’s turn to knock him off.
Williams then sets the ladder up in the corner and tosses Buck into it. Doug tries to follow it up with a splash onto Buck, but Jeremy moves out of the way. Williams ends up getting catapulted into the ladder. Williams grabs hold of the ladder but gets it dropkicked into himself. Buck then faceplants Williams into the ladder and out of the ring. Buck sets up the ladder and climbs. Williams is up, and catches Jeremy Buck in the electric chair. Buck is on the outside, so Doug starts to climb up the turnbuckle.
Dougie sells the fear of heights for a bit by screaming “I AIN’T CLIMBIN’ NO LADDER, HANNIBAL!”, but mid-yell, Jeremy Buck climbs up on the ropes, then jumps onto the ladder, goes over the top, then sunset flip-power bombs Doug Williams. Very cool. J-Buck scampers up the ladder, grabs the Roman Numeral 10 above the ring, and exits. Post-match, Williams kicks the ladder and throws it outside of the ring. The ladder then got up, said “Well, I never!” and went into the back to complain to Dixie Carter.
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to put the bop in the bop-shoobop-shoobop. Before Impact comes back, they show highlights of the live event in Brooklyn. Great to see them out and about, and you genuinely get the sense that the TNA folks love what they do and believe in what they do. I like that. The footage ends with a graphic that says, “TNA: Where The Fans Come First” and then “Thank You, New York.” I found it to be very classy, and I’m looking forward to checking out a live TNA event onnastremf of that bit.
The show is back, and Alex Shelley is in a clip done in the style of one of those cheesy 50s educational films (“Dodgeball is a sport of degradation, violence, and exclusion…”). Alex says he has a problem with (tag team partner) Chris Sabin because Chris got into Beer Money. Alex says Beer Money has revealed themselves to be total tools. He says parents should warn their kids about Beer Money, and at the end, says the clip was paid for by the Motor City Machine Guns and The Beer Money Are A Couple Of Tools Foundation. This was brilliant, and something they should be doing more of.
Back in the Impact Zone, it’s time for another match! This time it’s “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan & Beer Money vs the Motor City Machine Guns & “SuperMex” Hernandez. This is a great match-up, as it helps build towards the pay-per-view.
Robert Roode, representing Beer Money, and Chris Sabin, representing the Motor City Machine Guns, start off. Sabin fires off a huracanrana on Roode, but only gets a one-count. Sabin tags in Alex Shelley, and they do a sick double team elbow/legdrop/senton move. Roode comes back with a punch and tags in James Storm. Shelley knocks the Beer Money gentlemen into each other, and then tags in Sabin. Sabin’s reward for the taggery? A gigantic boot by Matt Morgan. Morgan follows it up with a clothesline, then steps on Sabin. Morgan picks Sabin up and puts him in that standing one legged surfboard, and then tags in Robert Roode.
Roode stomps Chris Sabin and goes for a cover which gets a two-count. Sabin comes back with a big kick, and tags in Hernandez. SuperMex, which isn’t offensive at all, knocks down Beer Money, then hits a big splash in the corner on Storm. Roode tries to sneak up on Hernandez from behind (ayo!) but receives a huge shoulderblock instead. Hernandez tags in Shelley, who whips Roode into the turnbuckle to receive a splash from Hernandez. Roode comes out of the corner and gets catapulted into Shelley, who hits a Downward Spiral-esque maneuver into the frickin’ TURNBUCKLE!
*whew*
The ‘Guns go for the Sliced Bread but Roode wiggles out. Hernandez jumps over the top rope and hits a double clothesline on Beer Money. It’s at this point that Matt Morgan decides to pull a LeBron by running out on his team. Hernandez plays the Dan Gilbert role by chasing him down, only in a decidedly less “closet-racist” way.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, the ‘Guns are kicking Roode, and Storm misses the attempt to spit beer in the faces of the faces. Sabin hits a suicide dive on Storm, and Shelley attempts a cross body on Roode, which gets reversed into a pinning combination by Roode. The referee counts to three and Beer Money take the win. Wow. Great match, and it’s been a great show so far.
We cut to backstage, where “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is talking to the camera. He says Mr. Anderson is a manipulative, lying, cheating horse-thief (okay, i added the last one). The Pope says he’s focused on his Victory Road opponent, Kurt Angle. He says Angle’s made it clear that his next loss will be his last match, so Pope’s gotta bring his A-Game.
Still to come is Jeff Hardy vs Mr. Anderson!
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonite.
we’re back, and Kevin Nash is sitting backstage. Nash says he’s waiting for Eric Bischoff. He says he’ll have to give him a kiss on the rump to see if he has a job. Nash scoffs, then says that Bischoff is the guy that was running with the Dungeon of Doom before he and Scott Hall arrived. Hulk Hogan comes in and says that they’re still not straight (the “kiss on the rump” comment was a dead giveaway), what with the swerve to get Hall and X-Pac contracts. Nash says that Hogan did the same thing to get the Nasty Boys deals, and Hulk says that the Nasty’s deal was honest and just didn’t work out. He says that Hall & Pac had their shot and blew it. Hulk says he and Nash are still friends but Nash is on his own with Eric Bischoff.
We cut back to the ring with Jay Lethal already in it. Lethal says he was overwhelmed when Hulk Hogan made the match vs Ric Flair. He says that feeling was taken away when Flair beat up his little brother. He says it ripped his heart out to see a childhood idol attack his flash and blood. Lethal says at Victory Road he’s gonna rip Flair’s heart out, and no amount of “Hum Num Shiva!” will help (okay, I added that last part).
Lethal says his Mom has been ill, but he wants her to know a few things. Lethal says he loves her very much, that he’s gonna make her the proudest mother on Earth, and says that even tho’ she’s 1,000 miles away, she’ll always be in his heart standing next to him. The crowd chants “Le-thal! Le-thal!”, and out comes the Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Flair says he could give a rat’s ass about Lethal’s mother. He says Lethal’s old lady is living vicariously thru her son because she wants Flair. Flair says Lethal has 3 days to live. Lethal tries to speak up but the Nature Boy says he’s talking to Ric By God Flair. Ric says his WrestleMania robe is in the Smithsonian. Ric says he got put on the road at 15. Ric says he’s crazy, and that if a woman has felt the caress of the Nature Boy she’s “scathed” for life, hence the saying “All Night Long.” Ric says Lethal doesn’t belong in his world. Ric, channeling his inner white devil, tells Lethal to “Back up, boy”, and says in Lethal’s head because he–Flair–is a God (great stuff by Flair, for a minute I felt like I was watching WCW Saturday Night in 1990).
Ric continues by saying hospitals want to study him, and says that Lethal’s own god is going to hand him his ass. Ric says Lethal has 3 days, then does the Ric Flair strut. Lethal is equal parts livid and shaken up. Ric lets off a “WOOO!” as the segment draws to a close.
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to rationalize Flair’s use of the word “Boy” when talking to an African-American wrestler.
We’re back in the announcer position, where The Human Suplex Machine Taz and The Wrestling Move Knower Mike Tenay run down the card for the Victory Road pay-per-view:
~ Madison Rayne (c) vs Angelina Love for the Knockouts Title. If Love loses, she has to leave TNA.
~ Ink Inc. vs Beer Money for the vacant Tag Team titles.
~ Brother Ray vs Jesse Neal vs Brother Devon
~ Kurt Angle vs “The Pope†D’Angelo Dinero.
~ Ric Flair vs Jay Lethal
~ Hernandez vs Matt Morgan in a Steel Cage
~ Kazarian and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles vs Mystery Opponents
~ Rob Van Dam (c) vs Abyss vs Mr. Anderson vs Jeff Hardy for the TNA World Championship
We’re back at ringside and it’s time for our Main Event! Jeff Hardy vs Mr. Anderson! Mr. Anderson is out first and the microphone falls from the sky. He calls to order the meeting of Assholes Anonymous. He says he’s the Assholes’ sponsor and then, completely missing the point of being “anonymous”, gives his last name twice. Jeff Hardy is out next, and I instantly recognize the fake drums from My First Keyboard.
We get a handshake to start, then a lock-up that gets turned into an arm bar by Jeff Hardy. The fans are feeling spry and a “Let’s Go Hardy/An-Der-Son!” dueling chant moment jumps off. Mr. Anderson gets in a punch on Jeff, but Jeff comes back with a shoulderblock and some punches. Anderson catches Jeff in a neckbreaker that gets him a two-count. Anderson gets up, leans over Jeff, and receives a jawjacker for his trouble. A couple of kicks by Jeff sends Anderson into the corner, but when Jeff goes for his seated jumping “hope you enjoyed your teeth” dropkick, Anderson moves out of the way. Savvy! Anderson covers Jeff but only gets a two-count.
Both men are now up, and Jeff regains control with a short clothesline that gets him a two-count. Mr. Anderson comes right back by throwing Jeff Hardy into the corner. Anderson goes to follow up but gets nailed by a Hardy elbow. Jeff gets another kick in and another two count. Hardy gets up, calls for the Twist of Fate, but the move is countered into a forward rolling slam by Mr. Anderson. Anderson gets a two-count, but Jeff is still down.
Mr. Anderson climbs to the top rope and does the Hardy Two-Gun salute, and in a move that tickled me for some reason, “shot” both guns at Jeff Hardy. Serves Hardy right for not having the foresight to not use his own imaginary guns when he had the chance. Anderson then goes for the swanton bomb but misses. Jeff then capitalizes with a Twist of Fate and gets the pinfall. Short match, but not bad, and they told a nice story. A successful mutual respect dealie, even tho’ I don’t trust Mr. Anderson as a good guy yet.
Post-Match, Abyss comes out with his 2x4xNails and points it at Jeff Hardy (“I don’t think it’s loaded, kid.”). The referee quickly intervenes and takes the 2x4xNails away from Abyss, and that gives Hardy and Anderson the crisi-tunity to double-team Abyss. Pause. Abyss comes back with a double clothesline, then chokeslams Jeff Hardy> Abyss follows that up with a big boot on Mr. Anderson, and then starts staring at the 2x4xNails, which he calls “His Girl.”
Abyss grabs the 2x4xNails and points it at Mr. Anderson. Abyss goes to hit Anderson with the weapon, but Anderson moves and the 2x4xNails gets stuck in the turnbuckle. Just then, George “The Animal” Steele came to ringside and asked, “Hey, you gonna eat that?” I’m just kidding. Actually, Rob Van Dam ran down at that moment, threw some punches and kicks at Abyss, but was caught by Abyss and thrown out of the ring.
Jeff Hardy is now back in the ring, and Anderson is behind Hardy with a chair. Suspense! Just when it looks like Anderson is gonna take a cheap shot, he tells Jeff Hardy to move, and then nails Abyss with the chair. That was neat. RVD is back in the ring now, he grabs the chair from Mr. Anderson, throws it into la cara del Abyss, and his the Van Daminator, knocking Abyss out of the ring.
There are handshakes all around, but Mr. Anderson doesn’t relinquish RVD’s hand, but rather pulls him in and stares intently at the championship belt on Van Dam’s shoulder. The announcers start to wrap things up and the logo screen comes on, but Abyss starts to make his way back into the ring. Taz gets the last word of the show with “The monster’s not dead!” and Impact is done.
Solid show, great build-up for each pay-per-view match, even if there was a bit too much teamworkiness between Hardy, RVD, and Anderson against Abyss.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
(For a recap of what done happened at Victory Road, check out Andy “Ooh, Look at me, I root for LeBron now, oooh” Wheeler’s Very Special Judicial Review for TNA Victory Road here)
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact recapper. He is also a Leo, a registered Democrat, and while he’s never f**ked a 10, one nite he f**ked five 2s.
