Suspension of Disbelief: TNA Impact Report for 07.15.2010 – MCMG, Jeff Hardy, “The Pope” & The Beautiful People

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Before I get started…

So, as some of you probably know, me and the folks over at GetTheseRecapsUpOnFriday Inc. don’t really see eye-to-eye. They want these recaps up promptly, and I enjoy being a lazy oaf.

*Stephen A. Smith voice*

HOWEVER!

Them boys be the bosses, plus it’s not fair that the people who are interested in TNA have to wait a week to find out what happened in any kind of in-depth manner. Sheeit, when homeboy that covers the NXT show was a day late I was motherf**king LIVID–and I watched the show when it aired!

Therefore, last nite I made it a point to be home to catch Impact as it began and knock this MoFo out. I sat down at about five minutes ’til 9pm, flipped around a bit (because we all know that the last few minutes before wrestling starts is interminable), and found a gigantic obstacle in the way of me actually starting Impact precisely at 9pm.

I found John Cusack’s classic film, Better Off Dead.

Now, I am a John Cusack stan. One Crazy Summer was one of my favorite movies of all time whilst young, and I still love it ’til this day. Better Off Dead I also enjoyed, but some of it was over my head. I rocked with Johnny C. for a bit, appreciating him in general, more specifically in Identity, a cool movie until the twist at the end (still worth a viewing tho’). Then, in 2007, I discovered Say Anything.

Before I had actually seen the film, I thought Say Anything was gonna be lamesville, more in the vein of those stupid overrated John Hughes movies. Still, I figured I’d give it a shot. I was instantly hooked. Sure, we all know the classic scene of John Cusack in the rain with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel’s incredible “In Your Eyes”, but there’s so much more to the movie! Love story, funny jokes, look-how-funny-they-looked-back-then cameos from current stars, and a bunch of quotables. Plus? A super-cute happy ending that I didn’t even know was happy at first.

So yes, I watched Better Off Dead for a few minutes and I ate some fried chicken while F.R.E.D. pretended to not care that I had fried chicken. It was a good evening.

One last thing…

If I had my druthers, I’d have John Cusack, Christian Slater (Pump Up The Volume might be the most underrated, unappreciated movie of all time, and it’s a fucking classic. That’s right, no asteri. I just dropped the F-Bomb) and Jeff Goldblum (c’mon, how good was he in Independence Day, Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and Holy Man??) all in one movie. It could be a new Three Men And A Baby reboot. It could be an action-comedy. It could be an Old School-esque romp. It doesn’t matter. It just needs to happen.

Okay, okay. I’ll get on with it.

Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!

We open up with some highlights from Sunday’s Victory Road pay-per-view. People have hated on the PPV, but honestly, from what I read about TNA PPV, this one seemed stellar if just for the reason that nobody fell into a bottomless pit and the matches all had conclusions. Sure, some of the stuff was overbooked, but the important angles–Lethal/Flair, RVD/Abyss/Hardy/Anderson, Angle/Dinero–were done correctly, if not perfectly.

Today’s episode is titled “They’re Here.” I wonder if Craig T. Nelson is in the greater Orlando area. There’s a buttload of pyro going off, people are cheering and waving signs, and The Love Human Suplex Machine Taz along with Mike “Nickname” Tenay welcome us to Impact. They tell us that tonite will see the first match in a best-of-five series for the TNA Tag Team Championship (champion ship? or championships? cuz like, there are 2 belts, but really it’s only one championship. somebody needs to figure this out. Reneke’s been AWOL, have his goofy ass look into it–no shots, Chuck) between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. The first match in the series? A muddafuggin’ LADDER MATCH!

Also, Sarita will be taking on Taylor Wilde in a street fight to settle the score from their crazy backstage brawl from a couple of Impacts ago. Also Also, Jeff Hardy will be taking on Jay Lethal, and the updated #1 Contender Rankings will be revealed.

‘Matter of fact, they open with the new rankings, and here they be:

#10 TNA Global Champion “The Freak” Rob Terry

#9 “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero (who doesn’t look Italian or Hispanic, but that’s me nitpicking. mmm, nits…)

#8 Kurt Angle

#7 “SuperMex” Hernandez

#6 “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles

#5 Jay Lethal

#4 Samoa Joe

#3 Mr. Anderson…Anderson…Gutierrez…Anderson

#2 Jeff Hardy

#1 Abyss

No sooner than they declare Abyss is the #1 contender does “The Monster” himself make his way down to the ring along with his 2x4xNails and–I poop you not–a side of beef. Abyss lumbers to the ring and I think to myself, “Ya know what? I like Abyss’ music.”

Taz & Tenay wonder who “They” are, and Abyss grabs the microphone. Abyss says “R.V.D.” and the audience begins chanting those letters. Abyss says they have a plan that involves RVD, Abyss, and his “Girl” (the 2x4xNails). Abyss says “Their” plan is like nothing RVD has ever experienced, that it’s beyond extreme and anything he’s ever done in this business. Abyss says tonite he’s going to share that plan with RVD, but first he’s waiting on final instructions from “Them.” I’m more convinced than ever that “Them”/”They” are the cast of Cheers. COME ON OUT, DANSON! I KNOW YOU’RE BACK THERE!

Abyss continues by saying in the meantime he will introduce RVD to his girl, “Janice.” The 2x4xNails then grabs the microphone from Abyss and immediately says her signature catchphrase “Oh. My. Gawd. Chandla Bing.” That’s right, I just made a Friends reference on a wrestling website. I am nothing if not diverse.

Abyss says Janice is tall, sophisticated, sexy, and sharp, and that she has a dark side that likes pain. Abyss then takes Janice and wails on the side of beef. Janice then breaks, prompting Abyss to say “Dammit, Janice!” and do a song with Tim Curry.

Abyss wraps things up by actually chewing on the side of beef–wow–and then says that Janice is one hell of a cook. Abyss says RVD needn’t worry, that when it’s all over and done with, he’ll realize what a bitch his girl is. Abyss’ music hits to end the segment. I can see it now: “Next week on TNA Impact, Abyss gets checked for worms!”

As Abyss leaves, Mike Tenay says he’s been informed of an altercation backstage. Taylor Wilde and Sarita are brawling again. Using the astute eye that develops after years of being a professional wrestling fan, I see that Taylor Wilde has the twins out, and Sarita’s got some junk in her trunk. Sarita is yelling at Wilde, saying that Wilde was holding her back. Sarita says that she’s better than Wilde and everybody knows it everybody knows it everybody knows it WATCH OUT FOR EH, STEVE!!

(sorry, that was a reference that like 4 of my friends will get, and I had to make it)

Taylor Wilde comes back with a chair and there’s more fighting. Sarita counters by putting Wilde in an armbar submission move, and even tho’ they’re fighting now, the street fight match itself is still on, and will happen next.

We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening, which I use to rub my nipples and think of lima beans.

Impact returns with Taylor Wilde & Sarita brawling through the crowd, and then the bell rings signifying the start of the match. It’s officially Taylor Wilde vs Sarita, and a close-up of Wilde makes me realize that she looks like George Newman’s girlfriend from U.H.F., only hotter. Also, Wilde’s hair is a tiny bit shorter than I prefer, but I suppose that’s neither here…nor there.

The brawling continues, and Sarita ducks under the ring. She sneaks back out and hits Taylor Wilde with some chops and kicks. Wilde fires back with punches, but Sarita counters by sending her face first into the stairs. Sarita lifts up the mats on the outside, and it’s at this point that Mike Tenay says there’ll be a rematch between Brian Kendrick & Doug Williams, a non-title “I Quit” match. More punches are thrown, then Wilde drops Sarita with a faceplant on the outside. Kicks and punches are exchanged, and Wilde slammed Sarita face first into the ring apron. Wilde throws some chops, then Sarita ends up on the apron, and Wilde THROWS A FRIGGIN’ CHAIR AT HER! Wow.

More kicks by Wilde, and then she throws Sarita into the ringpost and then the guardrail. Sarita gets kicked over the railing, and I gotta say, these ladies are working very hard. Love the commitment. While she’s in the audience, Sarita grabs a purse and begins choking Wilde, who has a tongue ring. Taylor Wilde passes out and the referee calls for the bell. Sarita wins the match, but by virtue of tongue ring, Taylor wins my heart.

We cut backstage and RVD is walkin’ and talkin’. Rob Van Dam says Abyss has a helluva weapon (Ayo!) but he won’t be intimidated. RVD says if Abyss is looking to scare somebody with his threats, he better look somewhere else. RBD says he rises to the challenge, and Abyss better be ready to use that weapon. RVD concludes by saying, in fact, let’s see if Abyss is ready to use that thing tonite. I’d also like to point out that by “it”, “weapon”, and “thing”, RVD is talking about Janice, the 2x4xNails, and not Abyss’ donger.

We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening. A Twilight-Burger King collabo commercial comes on, and I, once again, take note of how not attractive Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lauttner, and Robert Pattinson are. Seriously, one is a tomboy with no rack, the other is pasty with thin lips, and the other looks like Lampwick right as he started to turn into a donkey. Ladies, I know guys are morons and you like stupid love triangles, but seriously, let’s raise the bar a bit, shall we?

We cut backstage to Miss Tessmacher (who I am leaving Taylor Wilde for IMMEDIATELY), personal assistant to Eric Bischoff, who is on the phone with someone. The person on the other end of the phone must’ve been being difficult because after hanging up she says that when she’s in charge, that person will be the first to go. Just then, Kevin Nash walks in looking for Eric Bischoff. Miss Tessmacher, fresh off of going “NORTH!”, says he isn’t in tonite. Nash leaves, then comes back and says that at 10:00pm tonite, they might not know each other, but he’ll be the last one there tonite. (I know that was weird, but the audio was really low for that and even after a couple of rewinds I couldn’t make out what he was saying, sorry)

We’re back at ringside, and it’s time for Brian Kendrick vs Doug Williams, the TNA X-Division Champion, in an “I Quit” match. Brian Kendrick is out first, then out comes Williams. Kendrick opens up with a few punches and kicks, but then Williams comes back with a kick of his own. Williams knocks Kendrick down and puts him in a camel clutch, which he turns into a POLYNESIAN FACE GRAB! Sickening that that move has yet to be banned.

Brian Kendrick is back up with more kicks, but Doug Williams regains control with some forearm smashes. The referee is asking Kendrick if he wants to quit, but Kendrick says no. Brian comes back with some forearms but gets sent into the corner. Williams tries a splash onto Kendrick, but Brian ducks out of the way. Some more kicks by Kendrick, followed by a choke-via-foot on Williams. The referee asks if he quits, and Williams says no (I would’ve also accepted, “What do I look like? France?”).

Doug Williams ends up maneuvering around and catapulting Brian Kendrick FACE FIRST into the canvas, but when asked, Brian refused to quit. Williams then hits a knee in the corner, followed by a great snap suplex and a gutwrench suplex. Brian still won’t quit, so Williams gives him an exploder suplex. Brian still won’t quit, and this prompts Williams to pull out his climbing gloves. Williams then slaps Kendrick in the face with the gloves, a move Taz calls “The Paintbrush.” I think Williams wants to challenge Kendrick to a duel. “Pistols at 50 paces, live next week on Impact!”

Brian Kendrick fires back with forearms and kicks on Doug Williams, then follows it up with a big flying forearm, then a couple of dropkicks, then a HUGE missile dropkick off the top rope. Kendrick goes for the cobra clutch. Williams powers out, but finally Kendrick manages to get it locked on. The referee asks Williams if he wants to quit, and Williams does, in fact, quit. Kendrick wins, but he won’t relinquish the hold at first, but finally does.

Post-match, Kevin Nash comes out. Brian Kendrick gets into his face, but Nash chokeslams Brian into next winter for his insolence. Nash grabs the microphone and says he’s tired of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff ducking him. Nash says then when he dies he’ll never, ever be replaced. He says he’s the only one like him (which confirms my theory that Nash is a Highlander). Nash says he’s 6′-10″ & proportionate, something Miss Tessmacher will find out later. Nash says he’s built like a god, and that he’s a living legend, and if he can’t get Bischoff or Hogan’s attention, maybe taking out a few of the young guys will do the trick.

Just then, Jeff Jarrett comes out with a microphone. Jarrett asks if Kevin Nash wants to be suspended like Sting was. Nash responds by asking what this is about. Jarrett says Nash has a beef with Hogan and Bischoff just like sting. Jarrett says Hogan and Bischoff are getting behind guys like Jay Lethal if he hasn’t noticed. Nash says he doesn’t know what Lethal has to do with it, that all he did was come out to get Bischoff and Hogan’s attention. Jarrett says he guesses it’s business as usual, as it always is with Nash. He says Nash wants everyone’s attention. He calls Nash a gloryhound, and that he always has been and always will be. He then calls Nash an egotistical son of a bitch.

Nash puts in his angry eyes, then says there are a lot of people who say he’s the greatest worker in this business, that he always gets his money and his way. He says Jeff Jarrett doesn’t fool him, and questions why Jarrett would take up for Bischoff and Hogan. Nash says that if Jarrett wants trouble with Nash, he’s found it, and as for who the best worker is, stay tuned, he’ll find out. Interesting.

We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening. They show the Geico advert with the Spanish soccer announcer. It’s f’n classic. Also shown is a commercial for TNA merchandise featuring Madison Rayne. She kinda looks like one of my exes (similar mouths, only my ex was less Rahzar-like), and that kind of makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Impact is back with Kevin Nash backstage. Nash is thinking out loud at the camera, saying that it’s Jarrett’s company, but Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan have come in an taken over, yet Jarrett defends them? Says that all of the sudden 2+2=5? Nash concludes by saying that at 10pm tonite he’ll have all the answers he needs.

Back in the ring is Desmond Wolfe, with *swoon* Chelsea at ringside. Out next is the TNA Global Champion, “The Freak” Rob Terry. They show Wolfe interfering with Terry’s match from Victory Road, where he teamed up with Samoa Joe to take on Kazarian and A.J. Styles. Samoa Joe is out now, and it’s gonna be a three-way dance, Samoa Joe vs Desmond Wolfe vs Rob Terry. The songnerds are back with the “Joe’s Gon-na Kill You” chant, and I gotta admit, I kiiiinda hate it. Match starts with Joe punching Wolfe, then Terry forearms Wolfe, followed up by an inziguiri by Joe that sends Wolfe to the outside.

Samoa Joe and Rob Terry face off, punches are exchanged, then Terry shoulderblocks Joe down. Joe throws some kicks and then puts Terry in a legbar, and then back in comes Desmond Wolfe. Joe greets him with a chop, and Wolfe thanks him for his hospitality with a sweet takedown. Wolfe then goes to work on Terry in the corner. Wolfe stomps on Terry’s knee, and then kicks Joe out of the ring. Wolfe turns his attention back to Terry, then elbows him and then turns to talk to Chelsea. My buddy Dom has a sister named Chelsea, but if his Chelsea, a cute girl in her own right, looked like TNA’s Chelsea… I’ll just stop there.

Samoa Joe tries to come back into the ring but Wolfe tosses him back out. Very, very smart match wrestled by Wolfe. He’s keeping the big guy Terry down by working the knee, and he’s keeping Joe out of the ring and unable to participate. I appreciate the logic. Wolfe brings Rob Terry out of the corner and keeps working the knee. Just then, Terry kicks Wolfe into Samoa Joe, who was on the apron. Joe falls off, then Wolfe grabs Terry’s leg, but it’s at an awkward angle and Terry is able to toss him across the ring. Knockdown by Terry on Wolfe followed up by an incredible backdrop–dang near launched Wolfe into the ropes. Terry connects with a spin kick on Wolfe, but then Joe is back in with a HUGE kick off the middle rope onto Terry.

Samoa Joe catches Desmond Wolfe with the rear naked choke, and Wolfe submits. Chelsea looks hot and disappointed, but if she’s into fat guys with overly-affectionate dogs and a penchant for the musical stylings of KanYe West, I can turn her frown upside down. It also must be said that there was some guy at the announcers table for the whole match, but they never actually said who he was. *shrug* Post-Match, Terry gets up with a limp. It looks like there might be some extra-curricular shenanigans, but Joe gives Rob Terry a respectful pat on the shoulder and departs the ring.

Next up: Beer Money vs the Motor City Machine Guns in the first match of their best-of-five series, a ladder match!

We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. Hey, remember how I said Predators better be good because Adrien Brody owed me for Splice? Well, the flick was good. Mr. Brody and I are back on good terms, even if he did get lost in his own museum once.

Ric Flair in on my TV screen, which means Impact has returned. Flair says to be aware that he’ll be making an announcement that will begin more history and more attitude. The Nature Boy says he’s going to make a bigger change and send TNA in a direction that’ll take it to bigger and better places because he’s Ric Flair and he can.

We go back to ringside, and it’s time for the Motor City Machine Guns vs Beer Money ladder match. Beer Money is out first, and they show the Victory Road finish (to recap: one of the Beer Money dudes pinned one of the ‘Guns, and one of the guns pinned one of the Beer Money dudes, two refs were in and falls were counted. they agreed to restart the match, and the ‘Guns took the win.). Apparently, Beer Money protested the win, so the TNA higher ups set up this best-of-five series.

The Motor City Machine Guns are out next, and Beer Money jumps them from behind. It’s a ladder match, so above the ring is a contract that says whoever wins the match by grabbing the contract gets to pick the stipulation of the next match. That’s pretty cool. MCMG Chris Sabin gets tossed out of the ring, so his partner Alex Shelley is in by himself. Alex throws some punches but Beer Money (James Storm and Robert Roode) grab him and set him up for a suplex. Sabin finds his way back into the ring and catches Shelley out of the suplex. The ‘Guns land double dropkicks which sends Beer Money to the outside. The ‘Guns then do a double suicide dive and land on Beer Money. Great start so far.

Chris Sabin grabs the ladder while Shelley defends the perimeter. James Storm tries coming in, drawing Shelley, and during the distraction Robert Roode sneaks in and attacks Alex Shelley. Sabin goes to help Shelley, and they give Roode the ol’ “wishbone” move. The ‘Guns whip Roode into a ladder set up in the corner, and Shelley connects on a splash. Sabin tries for a splash on his own but misses, and now Beer Money is in control. They set a ladder up on it’s side and they toss Chris Sabin junk-first into the ladder. There will be no lovin’ in the Sabin household tonite!

James Storm sets up another ladder while Roode tangles with Shelley. Shelley lands a jawjacker on Roode, then breaks up Storm’s climb attempt. It’s Roode’s turn to climb the ladder, and also his turn to get knocked off. Storm grabs the other ladder and hits Shelley in the gut with it. Both ladders are in the ring, and they get slammed on top of poor Alex Shelley. Just then, Chris Sabin is back in, and dropkicks a ladder onto Beer Money. Beer Money, laying on their backs with the ladder on top of them, receives an Alex Shelley stomp on top of the ladder. A knee gets driven into Storm’s face, but then Roode hits a vicious clothesline onto Sabin, who FLIPS THE F**K AROUND it was so powerful.

Roode picks up a ladder, but Shelley hits him with another ladder, and then Sabin bulldogs Roode into–wait for it–another ladder! Shelley then climbs the ladder to get the contract, but James Storm knocks him off. Shelley recovers and hits a codebreaker on Roode. Meanwhile, Storm lays a ladder flat, then both Sabin and Storm end up on the top rope. Sabin jumps off, kicks the ladder into Storm’s face, but then Roode nails a sick tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Sabin. *whew*

Shelley has a ladder set up on the outside, then shoulderblocks Roode onto the ladder. Shelley stomps on the ladder-strewn Roode and from there jumps onto Storm, then Sabin follows it up with a splash onto Roode, still on the ladder. The crowd starts chanting “T-N-A! T-N-A!”, and it’s well deserved. This match is awesome.

Back in the ring, Chris Sabin and James Storm exchange punches whilst climbing the ladder. Alex Shelley and Robert Roode are back in, and Shelley tosses Roode into the ladder. Storm falls, but then Shelley gets thrown into the ref and both he and the official get knocked out of the ring. Now, Roode and Sabin are climbing and exchange punches on the ladder. Roode gets knocked off, and Sabin grabs the contract!

Just then tho’, James Storm smashes a beer bottle over Sabin’s head and picks up the contract. The referee sees Storm with the contract and awards the match to Beer Money. Wow. I don’t think I did that match justice as there was so much happening, but it was a great match. TNA doesn’t have the video on YouTube, but still! Hunt it down!

We cut backstage to Abyss, who has fixed Janice. Abyss then takes the newly-repaired Janice and…smashes a watermelon with it. I’d like to point out that the joke to be made is a Gallagher joke, not a “I wonder if Jay Lethal is gonna come by and ask if Abyss is gonna finish that” joke. Racial Sensitivity is always cool, kids.

We are then treated to our fifth commercial break of the evening, which I use to continue dyeing my nose hairs a beautiful shade of burgundy.

We’re back out, and it’s time for another match! It’s “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan vs “The Pope D’Angelo Dinero. Winner moves on to glory, the loser gets his quotation marks taken away. Morgan is out first. Dinero comes out next and money falls from the sky (“What’s next, Gringos falling from the sky?” *thump* “Yes, El Guapo!”).

The match be underway, and the crowd breaks out in a “Pope Is Pim-pin’!” chant. Dinero lands some kicks and some elbows on Morgan, but then Morgan grabs Dinero by the throat and tosses him into the corner. A flurry of elbows by Morgan knocks the Pope around for a bit, but then D’Angelo regains control with some punches, some kicks, and a codebreaker that gets a three count! “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero wins, and he gets all the quotation marks he could ever want!

Post-match, The Blueprint Matt Morgan (see what I did there?) attacks “”The Pope”” from behind (see? see?). Morgan hits a big fall away slam and then the Carbon Footprint bicycle kick knocks D’Angelo out of the ring. Morgan follows, then looks at the ringpost. He then turns his gaze to D’Angelo, and you can see the light bulb go off in his head (not literally, that’s be weird…and cool).

Morgan grabs “”The Pope”” and places him so that his head and neck are right up against the ringpost. It looks like Morgan is gonna go for the Carbon Footprint again, only Mr. Anderson’s music hits, and out comes Anderson! This does not bode well for Dinero, as he and Anderson had a pretty intense feud since Anderson’s arrival a few months ago. Morgan looks perplexed as Anderson rolls Dinero into the ring. Anderson then calls Morgan into the ring. However, instead of a collabo assault on Dinero, Anderson starts punching Matt Morgan!

Mr. Anderson goes to work on Morgan with some kicks in the corner, but Morgan escapes the ring. Anderson taunts Morgan, and Morgan is livid, calling Anderson a “dead man.” There’s a loud “An-der-son!” chant, and you can tell that the crowd is having a blast.

Anderson, still with the chair, tosses said chair down and extends his hand to “”The Pope.”” Dinero slides away and looks confused, as last he checked, him and Mr. Anderson were not cool. Anderson leaves his hand out there, but Dinero gives him a respectful head nod and leaves the ring. Anderson leaves too, and he’s wearing a pretty cool T-Shirt. On the front is a drawing of a donkey speaking into the Mr. Anderson old timey microphone with a giant “O” where his boo-tay is, and on the back it says “Everybody’s Got Opinions.” Like I said, TNA’s shirts are definitely cooler than the competition’s.

We cut backstage to–Zounds!–Lacey Von Erich and Velvet Sky! Sky is livid, but Lacey tells her to calm down, that Madison Rayne is one of them and will explain her actions from Sunday nite at Victory Road. Velvet asks what kind of explanation will be good enough. She says that Madison Rayne acts like she doesn’t need them, especially since she’s brought in a fourth person without asking them. Lacey says to listen to what Mad-Ray has to say, that they owe her that. Sky says they’ll listen, but when she’s done explaining herself, an exclamation point will be added. Said exclamation point? Her foot up Madison Rayne’s ass. Lacey says she wouldn’t wear those shoes for that. That was cute. And hot. Mmmm.

We are then treated to our sixth commercial break of the evening, which I use to train, say my prayers, eat my vitamins, and believe in myself.

It’s cold shower time in the Impact Zone! Madison Rayne is in the ring, and she’s in hip-huggers. I miss hip-huggers. You can’t do hip-hugging skinny jeans, and those friggin’ jeans are everywhere, like Chlamydia. Anyhoo, Mad-Ray and her great body has the miggity miggity microphone. Mad-Ray says she’s officially protesting the decision made by the referee during her match with Angelina Love at Victory Road. She insists that the stipulation said that if either member of The Beautiful People interfered, she would be disqualified and Love would become the new Knockouts Champion. She says that didn’t happen, and is demanding that the belt be returned to her within 7 days (*whispers* “Seven days!”) or else she’ll sue TNA for every penny it’s worth.

That prompts The Beautiful People to come down to the ring, a hot’n’thick Velvet Sky and an adorable looking Lacey Von Erich. I’m now wondering where in God’s name Lacey has been all my life (don’t tell Miss Tessmacher tho’, she’s the jealous type!). Velvet Sky is pissed, and the chismo is in the building. Sky asks what makes Rayne think she can bring someone in without their approval, or letting them know. She asks what the hell is wrong with Madison. Madison Rayne says to relax, and that clearly Sky has been taking her Dumb Blonde pills. Rayne says she did what she had to do. Sky comes back by saying Rayne must have overdosed on her own Dumb Blonde pills. This reminds me of when I turned 12 and as a gag gift someone gave me a bottle of Fart Pills. They tasted like lemon. Not like farts.

Sky continues by saying this is bigger than Madison not consulting The Beautiful People. She says it’s about Rayne saying she didn’t need them anymore, and asks for Mad-Ray to explain herself. Madison flat-out says she doesn’t need Velvet Sky. Lacey, who is cuter than a basket full of puppies, tries breaking things up. Sky, incredulous, says “How about I kick your ass all over this ring!?” and the fracas continues.

Just then, mid-fracas, Angelina Love comes out. She says she doesn’t know who is worse: The bitches who act on The Hills, or the bitches who are acting in the ring right now. She says Kim Kardashian is an Oscar winner compared to the three women in the ring. I don’t know about that, maybe an AVN winner, but that probably gives too much of an insight into my leisure time. Angelina asks Velvet if she thinks she (Love) is buying any of it. She said that she knew the Motorcycle Woman who interfered in the match between her and Rayne was Sky because she’d recognize her fake boobs anywhere. It was at this point that the camera man took a very obvious close-up shot of Velvet Sky’s boobs. This made me feel funny, like when I used to climb the ropes in gym class.

Sky says that Love is sadly mistaken, and that she’s never been so insulted. Sky asks if Love saw the dumpy ass on that person, and that it obviously wasn’t her. Sky says that this bitch Madison Rayne is all hers, and she’s out. Sky walks out of the ring and as she’s passing Angelina, tells her to have at it. Madison Rayne says that Sky should get back into the ring. Lacey looks cute and sad, and leaves the ring. Love enters the ring and gets nailed by Madison Rayne. Love takes down Rayne, a catfight ensues, and I immediately dump a bottle of ice cold Poland Spring into my lap.

The mystery biker chick is back and passes Lacey Von Erich, who is still on the ramp (in my notes it says “I wanna hug lacey”–i think i need a girlfriend). Motorcycle chick chokes Angelina Love with a chair, and then Madison tosses the chair down onto the mat. Madison then DDTs Angelina Love right onto the chair. They show Lacey looking concerned…and gorgeous. Madison then hops on the motorcycle and off they go.

They cut backstage to Jeff Hardy who says that, at Victory Road, Jay Lethal and Ric Flair tore it down, but now it’s time to find out if Lethal can beat Hardy.

We are then treated to our seventh commercial break of the evening, which I use to brush F.R.E.D.’s fur. His summer coat is coming in. It’s Ralph Lauren, and it’s fantastic.

We’re back on Impact, and it’s time for Jeff Hardy vs Jay Lethal. Lethal is out first wearing a sleeveless ring robe that says “Living The Dream” on the back. Apparently he walked into a lingerie tickle fight between Miss Tessmacher and Lacey Von Erich. Lucky skunk. Jeff Hardy is out next, and despite his awful entrance music, I’m content sipping ice water out of a tomato-basil spaghetti sauce jar. It’s the simple things.

Match is underway, lock-up, and a nice shoulderblock by Jeff Hardy. Hardy charges, Lethal leap-frogs. Lethal telegraphs a backdrop but hardy knocks him down. Crowd has started dueling “Let’s Go Le-Thal/Let’s Go Har-Dy” chants. Hardy gets knocked to the outside, and after building up a head of lettuce, er, steam, Lethal nails a suicide dive thru the ropes onto Jeff. Just then, Rhyno, Stevie Richards, Tommy Dreamer and Raven make their way thru the crowd. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Hardy misses a Twist of Fate, and Lethal hits a dropkick that yields him a two-count. Lethal chops away on Hardy in the corner, but Jeff counters with an elbow and after a quick scamper up to the top rope, hits that corkscrew kick thing he does, only he bangs his elbow on the way down.

Lethal and Hardy start exchanging punches, and then Hardy hits a short clothesline, an inverted atomic drop, and a legdrop to Lethal’s midsection followed by a sit-down dropkick. After all that, he only gets a two-count. Hardy sends Lethal slumping into the corner, but Jay moves out of the way of Jeff’s “hope you enjoyed your teeth” dropkick. Lethal capitalizes and kicks Jeff in the face, then lands a missile dropkick that gets a two-count. Hardy then pops up and gets a Twist of Fate on Lethal, which is followed up by the Swanton Bomb and a 1-2-3 for the Charismatic, Systematic, Hydromatic Enigma, Jeff Hardy. During the finish of the match they announce two matches for next week: Kurt Angle will be taking on Hernandez, and the best-of-five series between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money will continue with the Beer Money-selected match stipulation: A Street Fight.

They cut to Abyss backstage with Janice, and they’re headed to the ring.

We are then treated to our eighth commercial break of the evening, which I use to make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread.

TNA Impact is back, and Ric Flair is in the ring along with Kazarian and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles. Ric says that while Jay Lethal is at the top of his list, right now it’s time to introduce the first two members of Fortune. Ric says that A.J. Styles is the face of TNA, and that Kazarian is a movie star. Ric calls them the two best wrestlers in TNA, which leads to Desmond Wolfe coming down to the ring. Ric asks what Wolfe wants. Wolfe says he knows Americans don’t like giving the English credit for anything (not true–Keeley Hazell, Coupling, and FHM UK are all fantastic, and I’m as American as they come…without actually owning a gun), but if anyone should be in Fortune based on a Victory Road performance, it should be Desmond Wolfe, not Styles & Kazarian, who Wolfe calls “Wankers.”

Ric Flair says that Styles and Kazarian are the first two in Fortune, which causes Wolfe to put his hands on Flair. A.J. and Kazarian separate Wolfe from Ric, but just then, Abyss’ music hits. Abyss comes down to ringside with Janice, and Wolfe, Flair, Styles, and Kazarian all head out of the ring.

Abyss has the microphone, and asks for RVD to come to him. RVD answers by coming out, and Abyss puts Janice down in the corner. Nobody puts Janice in the corner! Abyss says it’s time she shared the plans “They” have for RVD. He says he’ll reiterate: Very soon “They” are coming to TNA, and when they get there they’re taking over and there’s nothing RVD, Dixie Carter, or the ignorant sheep in the audience can do about it. Abyss says they’ve asked him to continue paving the way and that he has to take the TNA Championship from Rob Van Dam. He says they laid out a blueprint (oh no! someone check on Matt Morgan!), and it involves hanging Janice 15 feet from the ring. Abyss says that he and RVD are gonna have the most extreme match in Pro Wrestling history. He says they can use tacks, ladders, chairs, glass, barbed wire, whatever RVD wants. Abyss says that Janice told him she wants a piece of RVD’s ass (apparently her and Abyss have an open relationship. hiyo!). Abyss says the only thing left is the where and when, so how about he and RVD get extreme.

Rob Van Dam’s turn to talk, and he says he knows what this title means to everyone. He says he’s gonna try not to take it personally, this thing between Abyss and Janice. He says he loves being the champion for the standards he gets to set with monsters. RVD then hits Abyss with the belt, some dropkicks, some knees, some more kicks, and then mounts Abyss in the corner for some punches. RVD jumps out of the corner and charges at Abyss but gets caught with a big boot. Abyss nails RVD with an especially violent-looking chokeslam, and then goes for Janice.

Just then… MICK F’N FOLEY is shown at the top of the ramp! At this point, Rhyno, Tommy Dreamer, Raven and Stevie Richards jump the guardrail and start attacking Abyss. Security comes out and they start beating up security! Rhyno hits one of the security guards with a sick gore, and then the TNA locker room comes out. The TNA guys are swiftly taken out, and more security comes out, only to also catch a whoopin’. Referees are out, as are more wrestlers–including Desmond Wolfe and Brian Kendrick, along with some agents. All are taken out by Richards, Raven, Dreamer and Rhyno.

D’Lo and Terry Taylor are out. Al Snow and D’Lo are attacking guys, and now “”The Pope”” and Jay Lethal are out. Morgan’s out along with Devon, but Devon takes out a TNA guy. Jeff Jarrett comes out and grabs Tommy Dreamer. They show Dixie Carter in the audience, and then the police come out. “”The Pope”” is beating on Devon, and just then Dixie Carter grabs the mic and tells everyone to stop it. She says that SHE invited the ECW guys to the show. Confused looks by the TNA loyalists, and I decide I would definitely nail Dixie Cougar. Er, Carter.

*exhale*

Wow. Kind of a clusterf**k at the end, but this angle should be interesting. It’s not quite an invasion, as Dixie invited the would-be invaders. It’s an interesting take, and I’m curious to see how it plays out. Good show, some good matches, and some intrigue. Looking forward to next week.

This has been Suspension of Disbelief.