For Your Consideration…Money in the Bank Judicial Review

For Your Consideration…Money in the Bank Judicial Review

That’s right, a bonus column for MITB. Remember, follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook or just comment on the bottom.

“We promised you a great main event”

After a solid opening video package, we open with a whole bunch of people excited to see men climb ladders. It’s like a fireman festishist’s dream come true. We open with Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler, Michael “Casual Male” Cole and Matt Stryker. They throw it to the…oh yeah…Spanish Announce Team. Someone’s going through that table!

MITB Ladder Match: Smackdown

Well, they’re starting with the Smackdown MITB match, which isn’t a terrible idea. You need to put some distance between the two matches so that you don’t burn out the crowd, and based on the participants, I don’t think you can argue that the RAW match isn’t the bigger draw.

Kofi is out first to pop the crowd, and he’s out with his Intercontinental Title Belt and trunks that make him look like the long lost member of Harlem Heat. Why do I keep forgetting that he’s champion? Dolph Ziggler is out next, but he doesn’t have his pet cougar. Christian is the third entrant, and for some reason he starts climbing the ladder on the entrance ramp. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes has ridiculous Jersey Rock entrance music, but I like the addition of his little mirror shtick. It’s just enough of a dick move to make people hate him more. Speaking of hating people, here comes Matt Hardy. Hardy decides to climb the ladder at the top of the ramp to show that he’s even dumber than Christian…and he’s a Canadian. Drew “I’ve Seen Tiffany Naked but So Has Carlton Banks” McIntyre decides to simply punch the ladder, which we all know is an inanimate object. Speaking of inanimate objects, through hellfire, brimstone and the midcard, it’s Kane. Well, the last entrant is The Big Show. He has his own ladder, which, to paraphrase Otto, is like a double-ladder.

Cole informs us that size doesn’t matter, so clearly someone’s trying desperately to convince himself of something. Everyone decides to attack one another, so Cody decides to just climb the ladder. This ends with Kane and Big Show beating the crap out of him. Now it’s Kane and Show fighting, and like I said before, I would love to see them reunite as a tag team.

Big Show climbs the ladder and breaks the second rung. Didn’t he already prove this on Smackdown? Is he getting that old that he’s starting to get the Oldtimes in the brain?

A bunch of midcarders run in to attack Show, so he swats them away. He then launches the ladder at Kane, which is uncalled for when you consider what he’s gone through with his brother being in a coma and despite being a vegetable managing to get laid. As Big Show climbs to the outside, everyone runs out and attacks him. Drew is the last man standing, so he takes the ladder and launches it into the ring.

Matt Hardy jumps Drew from behind, throws him out of the ring and starts to climb, but he’s knocked off by Christian. Christian, at last is on his own, and he climbs the ladder but then Matt pulls him off. See, they are feuding and by sheer happenstance, they wound up alone facing one another.

Cody runs in to climb the ladder but Kofi-T kicks him off of it and decides to climb on his own. Dolph stops him and now HE decides to climbs he ladder. Christian stops him from getting the suitcase and they punch on the top rope before Christian just arm drags him off of the top. Matt tries to push Christian off, so he jumps. Hardy hits the SideEffect on Kofi while Christian takes of Cody. Kane then comes in and decides to double-chokeslam them but Christian and Hardy double-DDT him. We now get a double-look on the replay. They then take ladders and double-crush Kane. Matt doubles his effort goes for a Twist of Fate but Christian launches him onto the ladder and he goes for his standing-on-your-back-in-the-ropes move before climbing but gets knocked out of the ring by Cody and Christian hit’s the double-large Big Show. This concludes double-blank theater.

Kane eats Crossrhodes and Trouble in Paradise before Matt hits him with the Twist of Fate. Matt and Cody are on the top rope but Drew shoves them off. Poor Stryker is trying to create a linear narrative for this match, but it’s nearly impossible. Drew climbs the ladder but he’s stopped by Dolph, who gets knocked out of the ring. Drew then gets pulled under the bottom rope by Kane, who starts taking apart the regular announce table before wisely abandoning that and taking out the Spanish Announce Table. Drew fights back, denying us our Fundamental Right to see someone get put through a foreign language table.

Kane goes for a ladder but Kofi dropkicks him in the face. This match is quickly becoming a lot of “Simpsons Did It”, with there being very little original stuff. Kofi, however, is working his ass off, which is nice to see. Kingston kicks Drew in the face and then he decides to climb the ladder to become a quasi-drug-free Jeff Hardy. Kofi climbs near the top of the ladder and does the Boom Boom Boom off the ladder onto Drew. Well, McIntyre’s dead. But here’s where my issue with ladder matches always comes in; the point of this match is to climb the ladder and get the briefcase. Why take yourself out to harm your opponent instead of winning?

Dolph climbs to the top and has the suitcase and Big Show pulls the ladder away, catches Dolph and chokeslams him. Now it’s Show and Kane. Show uses the ladder to sandwich Kane before hitting a splash. Cody Rhodes tries to attack Show so he just gets dumped out of the ring. Christian and Hardy (who hate each other) double-team Show but he overpowers them and makes them his bitches. Show is now alone in the ring, and this means we’ll inevitably pull out his ladder.

Sure enough, Big Show climbs out of the ring and reveals his Yokoladder. The ladder apparently weighs more than Kane, and it also has more cinematic charisma. Show tries to get the ladder in the ring, and I’m having flashbacks to when he tried to lift that Hummer or when Mark Henry tried to rip the padlock off of a steel cage. Proving that the ladder is better than Nathan Jones, Show finally gets it over. Cody then sneaks out of nowhere and uses the Fuckin’ Midget’s Ladder. Cody climbs the ladder but Dolph takes him out. Old Borscht Belt Joke: So many people are being taken out in this that it’s like watching speed dating. Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waiter and remember, the only good red is a dead red.

Dolph climbs the ladder but Show just spins him around and slaps him. If this were a romantic comedy, this would be where they tell each other that they love one another. Kofi then springboards off the top rope and lands on the ladder, but Show tries to stop him and eats a DDT. He then eats one of the smaller ladders. Fuck, that man is hungry.

Kofi now does the slow crawl but Cody hits him with a dropkick off of the top rope. Stryker calls Kingston the Spring-Loaded Superstar, so it’s good to see that not only is Vince whispering in his ear, but Mattel as well. Cody climbs the ladder but Dolph takes him off and hits the ZigZag onto the ladder. Show headbutts Cody and Dolph (who sound like two characters in a terrible high school road movie: Cody and Dolph are going “Road Trippin’”). Show climbs the top of the ladder but Kane knocks him off and everyone starts burying him under ladders, which Cole says is “literally piling it on”. Stop the pain. The Big Show’s so buried you’d swear he was Dean Douglas.

Everyone climbs the giant ladder and it looks like old school Donkey Knong. Kane chokeslams everyone and now it’s Kane alone. Dolph once again pops up out of nowhere and he climbs OVER Kane to get the suitcase but it doesn’t work so he locks in the sleeperhold. Kane just uses ramming speed to knock Dolph off and then throws him onto the pile of ladders on top of the Big Show…down by the bay.

Kane then goes outside and chokeslams Kofi-T onto the pile of ladders. Kane then chases after Cody up the entrance ramp before launching him into a Brinks Truck. I wonder if that’s the Brinks Truck they offered to Hogan to come back, or to Goldberg, or to Hall and Nash, or to Bischoff, or to Bret Hart, or to Bunkhouse Buck.

Matt and Christian powerbomb Kane off the ladder (it was less cool than it sounds), and now they’re both climbing. Matt and Christian are battling on the top of the ladder and it’s like a less interesting Hart/Luger Royal Rumble situation. They shove each other off of the ladder and now they’re dead. Drew McIntyre finally wakes up and he and his X-Pac heat slowly slithers towards the ladder. Kane pops out of nowhere to stop Drew and he locks in a Chokeslam. Kane is alone on top of the ladder and my Money in the Bank prediction comes true as Kane is the winner. Sure, it isn’t the elevation of a new star that we were expecting, but it’s a well deserved accolade for a guy who has been around forever and aside from a blink-and-you-miss-it WWE Title run, hasn’t gotten to show that he can carry a brand (and no, ECW doesn’t really count). Kane winning also makes sense from the perspective that there’s nothing cooler than when he cashes it in because of his entrance pyro.

Sheamus is in the back with Mini-Orton. Matthews wants to know why he helped Cena. “Brutha, ahm a man ah trumendus pride. Ahm not stupid and I sut back wit a smile uhn mah face as there were the sneak attacks. Beccusa mah prahde, ah thut ah wus untouchable, but lass wek, when I stared inda eyes ah da Nexus, ah realized ah was starin in da uyes ufa gray why shark. Thuh reasun ah came out las week wus to make sure Cena’s gut noh excewses. When ah beat im in a table match, ah didna get any repec. When ah beah im ah Fatal Furway, ah goh no respect. He wunts ta make fun amah complectunon andn mah accent, but once ah get im inda cage, les see im make a mayonnaise joke. Nexus is a tret, but ahm a biggah one.”

Solid, logical heel promo. I’m impressed.

Tramp Stamp Title: Eve Torres v. Alicia Fox

Eve Torres is out as she does her little pose at the entrance ramp, which is the only spot she’s guaranteed to not blow. Money in the Bank is brought to you by Criss Angel’s Mindfreak, which I didn’t realize was still on the air. Then again, I just found out that “Night Court” was cancelled. I miss Bull.

Alicia Fox is out next and Matt Stryker says that next month the WWE is going to Chyna. Wait, scratch that, he meant China. My mistake; both have androgynous looking people, but the country seems slightly more mentally sound than Chyna. Also, you have a lesser chance of getting lead poisoning if you sleep in China as opposed to sleeping with Chyna.

Alicia and Eve roll around as it’s Hispanics versus Blacks in a war of tolerance. Eve gets control and goes for a second rope DDT but Alicia flings her off of the turnbuckle and rolls out of the ring. Fox looks angry, and you would be too if you had to put of DJ Gabriel. Alicia yanks Eve into the ring by her hair and then pulls her along the mat until she goes for a pin that gets two. She better be careful, those extensions aren’t flame-retardant. Alicia then bends Eve across her knee and since this isn’t a bad Cinemax movie, all she does is try to snap her back in half.

Eve fights back but Fox hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Wow, that almost woke the crowd up from its coma. Alicia now goes for a resthold and the audience is relieved to go back to sleep. Eve rolls through and uses a Monkey Flip to break out. Torres hits a cross-body and a dropkick before going for a suplex but, according to Cole, “the back…the back…the back…the back…” I think someone took her wallet.

Eve decides instead to just keep kicking her, which Cole says was a nice use of Velocity. She now has Heat as she leaps off the top rope, but she collides with Alicia’s knees, which gives her an Aferburn. Alicia Fox hits the scissor kick to win this Challenge, making her the top Superstar at the end of all of this Mania. I don’t think she’ll keep her win Confidential, because she’s such a Livewire.

The announcers are on camera hocking WWE Summerslam cups, and as they enjoy a nice toast, they send us to a video of Kane attacking Kurt Swangle and Bunkhouse Swangle.

Swangle is on the phone with Mama Swangle (wonder if they’ll get Babydoll) and he wants to know how his father is doing. He then tells his mother to shut up and he talks about how his father lived vicariously through him and he got what he deserved. Apparently Bunkhouse tried to steal his spotlight. Well, that’s how they used to do it in the olden days. Just be thankful he didn’t steal his stuff out of his gym bag. Swangle promises to break Rey’s teeny, tiny ankle before telling his mom that he loves her.

Unified Tag Titles: The Hart Dynasty w/ Natalya v. Greek Booze w/ Snukette

Greek Booze pours out of the curtain, and they’ve decided that one will wear pants and one will wear shorts. Well that’s considerate. The Harts come out actually wearing the tag titles, which is a nice touch. Something tells me that this won’t be MCMG/Beer Money. Prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong.

DH Smith and Shorts start it out as Stryker points out that Gorilla Monsoon trained with the Harts. Had Michael Cole invoked the name of Gorilla, he would have burst into nothingness like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Smith tags in Tyson for a few seconds of excitement before deciding that it was too over-stimulating for the fans, so DH comes back in. Shorts tags in Pants and now pants goes for a pinfall for two.

Stryker points out that the Samoans have their fingers taped like a fallen star from the past, and I can’t imagine that Vince was too thrilled. Shorts goes for the Rikishi butt splash and I have some technical difficulties due to the horrible callback to Rikishi. When I come back, Smith goes for the Sharpshooter as Kid takes out Shorts and Smith locks it onto Pants and the Harts win.

This makes me 3-3 in my predictions, which means absolutely nothing but so what?

Cole says that this win might take the Hart Dynasty to the next level. Aren’t they already the tag champions?! What next level is there?

We now thank the band and the sponsor before hyping the World Championship. I love that whenever Rey has the title they don’t call it the World Heavyweight Championship.

World Championship: Rey Mysterio v. The Showstoppingly Opportunisticly Weasely All-American-American-American Kurt Swangle

Swangle is out first, so I’m glad they’re showing a tiny bit of respect for the champion by letting him come out second. Swangle is another example, like Sheamus, of a guy who has been successfully elevated to a higher level. While he isn’t quite as established as Sheamus, he doesn’t feel out of place in a World Title match.

Rey is out and he has a grade 2 tear in his ankle and a C+ in debate. Quite frankly, his forensics skills need a lot of work. Tony Chimmel does the in-ring introductions, to give it that “big match feel” despite the fact that Mysterio is smaller than the average bear.

Rey and Swangle have a standoff to start the match as Swangle keeps diving for the ankle. They abandon that for a tie-up, so Swangle just muscles him into the corner. He shoves Rey, so Rey shoves him right back. Rey tries to slide through Swangle’s leg but almost gets caught in the ankle lock. Swangle charges but gets dropped for the 619 but breaks free. Rey leaps off the second rope for a moonsault but Swangle ties him up in the tree-of-woe. Swangle charges but Rey moves and off the top rope Rey hits a Seated Senton. Well it looks like someone put on his working boots this morning along with his bedazzled mask.

Rey climbs to the top rope, but Swangle runs up and hits a belly-to-belly like another former Olympian. You know, Mark Henry. Rey rolls to the outside as there’s a faint “Let’s Go Swagger” chant. Swangle then stands on Rey’s leg at the site where the Spanish Announce Table used to be. They should erect a memorial in their honor. Poor Hugo and Carlos. Heh…erect.

Swangle throws Rey back into the ring and goes for a knee-bar, which is a move you can only do if you’re over 21. Rey breaks free and there’s a bit of a giant botch as Swangle turns something into a slam. Thankfully no one died. Rey then gets launched to the other side of the ring as Swangle goes for the running Vader Bomb but Rey moves out of the way.

At this point, I lose my feed again and it doesn’t come back until Rey is standing there holding the title. Good for him. Then there’s an explosion of pyro and bah gawd it’s Kane.

World Title Match: Kane v. Rey Mysterio

Rey tries to limp away but Kane grabs the ankle and smashes it into the mat. He then goozles Mysterio and it’s a trip to Chokeslam City (which is just outside of Burbank). Kane then scoops up Rey for the Tombstone, and I think that the fans are popping for this because (a) they like when anyone cashes in the briefcase and (b) the fans are sick and tired of the “underdog” Rey character. Kane is now your World HEAVYWEIGHT Champion.

I’m okay with this because like I said in the Roundtable and like I said earlier, he deserves the gold. He’s been the most versatile wrestler possibly in the history of the WWE, and despite years of horrible booking, he’s still over. Seriously, who else can go from curtain jerker to main event so seamlessly? Who can recover from being a dentist and a wannabe Kevin Nash and now be THAT over?

Edge is in the back in his metal coat watching Kane wins. Jericho sneaks up behind him and Edge says that he’s a desperate man. He’s won Money in the Bank, in case you missed that video package a few hundred times. Edge promises to cash in his MITB tonight. Jericho says that he created this match, and he was my Roundtable Pick because he’s never won the damn thing. Edge points out that very fact and Chris says that this is what makes him desperate. That and the fact that he’s single and approaching 40 (save your breath, I know he’s married). Later on tonight, the worst is yet to come according to Jericho.

Women’s Title match: Kelly Kelly w/ Tiffany v. LayKer Member Layla w/ McTaker

Wow, Jericho is clearly psychic when he said the worst is yet to come. On the plus side, Kelly and Tiffany bump butts, which is a nice little touch to I guess show that even though this is TV-PG, quasi-lesbian relationships can still flourish.

Speaking of which, here comes LayKer. So apparently Michelle has some kind of shiny crap on her back. If I were crass, I would make a joke about Undertaker’s semen turning into diamonds, but the thought of Taker having sex is enough to drive me to drink. Even more so than this match.

Kelly and Layla yell a lot like this is a tennis match as Kelly wails away on Layla. Layla misses the over-choreographed headstand but Kelly rolls her up for two. A surprisingly cool little move as Layla tugs on the ring apron to trip up Kelly Kelly. It was kinda like what Finlay does, and any opportunity to compare Layla to Finlay is bound to make someone’s head explode.

Stryker earns some extra bonus points tonight for calling Layla’s spray Arrogance, but there’s a moment of miscommunication as Kelly gets dropkicked into Michelle McCool. On the outside, Michelle kicks Kelly but Kelly dumps her over the barricade. I wonder if it’s like a baseball game where you get to keep anything that flies into the stands. Some lucky fan will be taking home Undertaker’s sloppy seconds.

In the ring, Kelly goes for the Fameasser but Michelle puts her ropes on the foot…wait, scratch that, reverse it. Tiffany and Kelly then double-team Michelle McCool, but this isn’t that kind of pay-per-view. Kelly goes for a roll-up by Layla reverses it for the pin as Stryker loses his brownie points for comparing it to Bulldog/Hart from Summerslam. He then earns it back moments later when Lawler says that the commentary is why he watches Smackdown on mute, so Matt responds, “Todd Grisham?” Poor Grish. Poor, marginally competent Grish.

We get a promo telling you don’t try this at home. I concur. Pulse has enough people covering RAW. Trying to write a Judicial Review can be hazardous to your health. I tore my metacarpals once while trying to type a battle royal recap. It was brutal.

Earlier tonight (in case you forgot or you tuned in late to the PPV), Kane won the Money in the Bank match and then cashed it in by beating Hornswoggle.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: RAW

I hear voices and the people in Kansas City go batshit insane for Randy Orton. They are not used to seeing people with a tan. Randy stares at the ladder like the rapists gawked at Tim Robbins in “Shawshank”. I suddenly feel dirty. Randy climbs to the top rope to try and start a YMCA sign-a-long, but abandons it.

Awesome, out next is The Miz, complete with his mini-Edge jacket. Michael Cole (who doesn’t have the script that tells him who will win) says that this is his pick. Someone’s gonna get their wheat thrashed, because here comes Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Teddy DiBiase is accompanied to the ring by Maryse. While I doesn’t make sense for her to come down to the ring, I don’t think anyone’s going to complain. Teddy is wearing his Million Dollar Belt, but it’s about as official as those t-shirts Earl Hebner was selling. Speaking of official, here comes the officially saddest fall from grace this decade, John Slo-Mo-rrison. Chris Jericho gets a decent pop as he was my pick, but I think I just wanna see him win so he won’t leave. RAW without Jericho would be like The Gators without Urban Meyer. Evan Bourne sprints out all giddy as I hope that he doesn’t wind up like The Brian Kendrick. Edge and his man-sized jacket is out last and immediately rolls out of the ring.

The seven remaining guys all pause for a minute like a raccoon caught in headlights, but then they remember that they are supposed to punch one another, so they do. Everyone clears the ring in time for Evan Bourne to kick Mark Henry in the corner. Edge is now alone in the ring and he climbs to the briefcase, but RAAAANDY stops him. Every time someone gets knocked off the ladder, take a shot. If your liver doesn’t explode, you need to seek help for a drinking problem. If your liver does burst, I take no responsibility.

Teddy takes out John Morrison with a ladder before Evan Bourne dropkicks the ladder into Ted. Miz then shows up and tosses Evan out of the ring. He sets up the ladder but Jericho (who Stryker calls The Thrillseeker, huzzah) stops him. Henry shows up out of nowhere and throws the ladder at both of them before noticing that Miz is on the second rope so he does that odd jump on their neck and slide out of the ring deal. Henry yells at the crowd to let them know how amazing he is, so Jericho hits him with a ladder. Bourne sets up a ladder before kicking Jericho. Evan then sets up a super-ladder but Edge stops him. Evan turns this into a hurricarana but then Randy shows up and delivers The Garvin Stomp. Orton then uses the ladder to do the Second Rope DDT. Seriously, give that thing a name, WWE.

John Morrison leaps off the second rope to kick Orton, and John manages to botch it as his skull hits the ladder. Miz and Teddy now double-team John. Stryker continues to say that Teddy might have bribed everyone in the match, which is what I said in the Roundtable. Allow me to give myself a Barry Horowitz pat on the back.

Morrison sets up the ladder after taking out Miz and Teddy, but now Edge is climbing the ladder to stop John. Jericho sets up his own, shorter ladder but Randy now climbs THAT ladder. Edge and Morrison are batting away at the giant red Lego suitcase like cats. Now all four men are swatting at it, so Mark Henry comes in and knocks both ladders down. Glad to see he’s useful. Evan Bourne then uses a ladder as a springboard to take out Henry, but he winds up injured as well.

Bodies are lying everywhere, like it’s a car crash in this slobberknocker. Maryse then climbs into the ring and takes off her shoes. She sets up the ladder to get the briefcase, but John Morrison shows up. He offers to help Maryse down, but instead puts her in a fireman’s carry. Instead of attacking her, he tells her to scram, as if she was a neighborhood kid and he was the old man whose yard she wandered into. Teddy now grabs a ladder and charges Morrison, but John moves. Miz then takes a ladder and bludgeons John, because his body should be as broken as his spirit.

Edge is in the ring all alone but we’re still watching Miz and Morrison fighting. Morrison gets monkeyflipped onto one ladder and uses another ladder as a lever to climb onto the ladder that Edge was using. Had they allowed that the moment that Morrison won the match, his career could be salvaged. Instead, he gets pinned in the ladder and Edge and Miz try to crack his ribs before Edge turns on Miz and knocks him out of the ring. Edge then shoves the ladder that Morrison was wedge in down, and I’m beginning to think that John did something to someone’s rental car.

Edge sets up the billionth ladder but Teddy hits him with his own ladder and the ring looks like someone dumped a giant erector set in the ring. Heh…erector. Randy now climbs into the ring but gets hit with another ladder. Guess they don’t want him to injure himself again.

Teddy climbs the ladder and there is no one there for a minute until Mark Henry slowly stops him. Teddy leaps onto Henry, who hits the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry then kicks Jericho, who was charging him. He then gorilla press slams Miz onto the ladder that was on top of Jericho. Henry tries to climb but Evan Bourne jumps on his shoulders and climbs over him in pretty much the same spot from the Smackdown MITB. Edge and Orton work together to stop Bourne as they toss him into Mark Henry, who slams him on the outside. Well, he’s dead. Henry then eats a Codebreaker and takes a crazy looking Spear. Who the hell knew that Mark Henry could sell? Seriously, have you seen his wrapping paper fundraiser numbers? Pathetic.

Orton and Miz climb the ladder but Morrison and Edge show up. Jericho pops up there too and Teddy is last to arrive and there are a lot of people on one ladder. If this were the 80’s, that ladder would be played by Missy Hyatt.

Teddy and his ladder gets launched out of the ring and Orton RKOs Edge. Jericho kicks Orton in the head, so Randy responds by rolling out of the ring. It’s now Jericho and Morrison fighting over who deserved to be called the next Shawn Michaels more until Jericho gets his leg tangled. Orton pulls Morrison down and hits an RKO but as he lands, Bourne hits Orton with AirBourne in what might have been spot of the night. Evan climbs the ladder and if the WWE wanted him to be a star, he would have gotten the suitcase down. Instead, he looks like a clown because he couldn’t unhook the suitcase. Jericho finally stops Bourne from removing it as they both grab at the case. Jericho smacks it off of Bourne’s skull but his knee buckles. He is all alone in the ring on the ladder and he still can’t get the ladder off. Edge shows up finally and they fight on the top of the ladder for an hour until Orton shows up and RKOs Jericho off of the ladder. Edge is alone until Orton shoves him off of the ladder. Randy is now by himself in the middle of the ring (he’s like the 10th guy in that situation) and he climbs to the top of the ladder as the place comes unglued. Randy has the case but Miz knocks him off of the ladder. Miz climbs up the ladder to a chorus of boos and he unhooks it for the win. 5-1 for me and The Miz is so money that he is money.

Miz cries as he embraces the suitcase. This is actually kind of a nice moment since he got the short end of the stick for so many years because of who he was. The kid got hazed like crazy by JBL and Benoit and yet he never quit. He is also one of the few guys in the WWE who got himself over, so good for him.

Miz has the microphone. He says that we are all living in his moment. He says you can call it over-rated or created, but however you call it, this means he made it. he made it. Cue Barry Manilow, “Looks like Miz made it…” Miz tells us to look at the man with the briefcase and he is now Mister Money in the Bank. I thought his last name was Mizanin. The one downside to him winning this is that he is probably going to be the first guy to cash in the briefcase and lose. On the other hand, he might finally get to pin John Cena.

We watch highlights of the Money in the Bank match, and I’m kinda shocked to admit this, but I think I dug the Smackdown one more. This match had some cute spots (AirBourne, Maryse climbing the ladder) but there were so many guys who made it up the ladder by themselves and yet couldn’t grab the case, making everyone look stupid.

We get a promo for Mindfreak, where a crazy magician does tricks that allow him to sleep with surprisingly attractive women. This transitions to a Cena/Sheamus package that turns into a Nexus package.

WWE Title Steel Cage Match: John Cena v. Sheamus

The Steel Cage lowers, complete with the evil theme song. You can win by pinfall, submission or escape, but you can lose if you deliver a match as bad as Hernandez/Morgan.

John Cena is out first, and I’m glad the WWE is sticking with the champion getting to come out second. Cena gets a nice pop, but the crowd seems kinda tired. Sheamus gets a smattering of chants before he comes out wearing his oversized necklace and his oversized title. Cole namedrops Buddy Rogers because Sheamus is the 100th man to hold that title. One hundred men have had the honor of wearing a belt that spins.

The referee chain locks the door as Sheamus unleashes his O’Doyle Rules yell. Lawler says that the huge crowd tonight hasn’t been disappointed, which is the exact answer a politician would give.

Cena gets cheered and Sheamus gets booed as the match starts, so we know we’re not in bizarro land despite the fact that Sheamus has Bizarro Superman’s skin. And just as I finish typing that, a “Let’s Go Sheamus” chant begins. I think they’re cheering for him less because they like Sheamus and more because they like my interpretation of his promos. Or because they hate Cena. I’d like to think it’s because of me.

Cena and Sheamus lock up, and no, your television didn’t freeze, they really are just standing there. After the stalemate, they break up. But it isn’t the stalemate’s fault, you try keeping it exciting after years of marriage. Sheamus now pounds away on Cena and the crowd responds with “Whoos”. Are they somehow mistaking Sheamus for Ric Flair? See, this is why they’re a flyover state.

Sheamus bounces Cena off of the cage, but because this is TV-PG, Cena’s skin knows not to bleed. Sheamus continues with some punches and kicks before Cena tackles him and delivers punches. He whips Sheamus in the corner before clearly calling the elbow spot. Sheamus then whips Cena into the corner and hits him with an elbow. Whoa, it’s like The Truman Show.

Sheamus then kicks Cena with a running knee to the synagogue before continuing to stomp away. Cena DDTs him and I’d say that this is like watching paint dry, but at least when paint dries, you have something nice to look at. This is the kind of slow, uneventful action I’d expect from a Khali match.

Cena and Sheamus trade punches back and forth and back and forth before Cena goes for a shoulderblock. He goes for another one but misses Sheamus and hits the cage. Sheamus now punches away on Cena. Again. Sheamus then connects with a backbreaker, which might be the first wrestling move he’s done in about five minutes. Sheamus now climbs the cage, but Cena catches him. Cena and Sheamus are now on the top rope and they (say it with me now) punch one another. Cena hits a superplex on Sheamus, which wakes up the audience.

Sheamus is wrestling this match like an Irish JBL, when he really isn’t that bad. Cena scoops Sheamus up for the FU, but Sheamus turns it into a DDT. A “Cena” chant starts, so Sheamus knocks him down. Sheamus then hits the double-fist for two. Really? That’s a move that could now potentially get a pin? I mean maybe if he was holding a hammer or something.

Sheamus goes for another double-fist, but Cena fires back and Sheamus locks in a sleeperhold. Really?! A sleeper?! Jesus, they really are just killing time until Nexus does their run-in. The sleeper has officially killed this already uneventful match as Sheamus now wraps his legs around John. Cena then stands up with Sheamus riding him piggyback and tries to climb out of the ring. Cena finally collapses as he literally and figuratively is carrying Sheamus in this match. Sheamus now chokes Cena with his foot, and the fans are getting antsy.

Sheamus climbs the ladder but Cena grabs his ankle…again. Cena yanks Sheamus off of the top rope and both men are down. Again. At least when JBL would have those cage matches with Batista and Big Show he would bleed like a stuck pig. Cena fires off with the Five Moves of Mediocrity before going for the FU. Sheamus grabs onto the cage and almost climbs out of the ring, but Cena stops him. Now they’re on the top rope punching each other again until Cena bounces Sheamus off of the cage. John chooses not to climb out of the ring and it looks like he’s got a little mouse over his eye. He goes for the top rope Five Knuckle Shuffle but Sheamus moves. Wow, they literally could not have made Cena look any dumber. He had the match won and instead went for a top rope move.

Sheamus is now punching Cena as there are dueling “Let’s Go Sheamus” “Let’s Go Cena” chants. Cena is now tied in the ropes as Sheamus points away before once again unleashing the O’Doyle Rules yell. Sheamus climbs right over Cena but John breaks free and stops Sheamus from escaping. Cena hits a top rope bulldog for two. John goes for the FU but Sheamus breaks free and hits the Irish Curse. I’d like to think they call it that because somehow the move harms the liver.

Sheamus runs and connects with the bicycle kick but Cena kicks out. Well that kinda demystifies that move. Sheamus now looks like he’s going to climb out of the ring, but according to Styker, he didn’t continue because he wants respect. So winning a match by using one of the legal means of victory doesn’t get you respect. Cena is up and hits the FU but Sheamus kicks out. Now we know he’s a main eventer.

The Nexus is out now, and Michael Tarver has bolt cutters. Any time props are used in wrestling, something goes wrong. The ref shows up out of nowhere and steals the bolt cutters before fleeing. They then demand the key from the other ref so he takes the key and throws it into the crowd. The ref points to the logo on his shirt, which means they can’t touch him. In the ring, Cena goes for the FU but Sheamus breaks free and there’s a ref bump. Cena locks in the STFU, Sheamus taps, but there’s no referee. Nexus is on the outside and apparently none of them can climb into the ring. They all surround the referee but Cena tries to climb out. Justin Gabriel climbs up to stop him but gets flipped off of the top of the ring. Tarver and Young hold Cena back. Sheamus climbs up the ladder but Slater stops him. Sheamus knocks Heath Slater away and hits the ground and flees with his title. John now sits on the ground and pouts like a petulant child. And where the hell is Nexus? Why aren’t they still attacking Cena?

John now grabs Darren Young and bounces his head off of the cage. He then charges Michael Tarver and takes him out with a clothesline. Suddenly, that intensity that he was lacking all match is there. Cena dislodges the steel steps and throws them at Tarver. Wow, it must suck to be a black guy in Nexus. Cena takes Tarver’s armband and walks up the ramp as we see Nexus members laid out.

This has been for your consideration.

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