Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.
My buddy Nick is a standup comedian and he goes to two people for help writing jokes: me and my buddy John. We all went to college together and have similar tastes in humor. There’s usually a flow chart to it all: Nick gets inspired, John thinks of something remarkably offensive and I help Nick sort it out into something he can use onstage. It’s an interesting combination and one day he calls me up, midway through a UFC fight, and had some inspiration.
At every UFC event at a bar there’s always some guy who wears a “Tapout” shirt and thinks he knows MMA because he’s watched it on television. Usually he’s a couple chicken wings away from being a diabetic and counts as an athletic achievement getting 100 kills in an hour playing “Call of Duty.” So this has become a mainstay of his act and I always chuckled whenever I saw some fat guy in the t-shirt because the bit is great; I wish he had it on YouTube or I’d link it below. Here’s some good stuff from him below:
A couple weeks ago John and I were at UFC 116 with some friends of mine when someone I didn’t know showed up with a Tapout shirt. After initially dismissing him as the usual idiot in a Tapout shirt, he turned out to be the second type of Tapout T-shirt wearing guy: the guy who’s fought once in a cage and therefore knows MMA better than everyone he knows.
And all night he kept talking about how he couldn’t respect Brock Lesnar because “all he does is take guys down and lays on them” and “I could take someone down and lay on them, but that’s not fighting” and if it weren’t for the company I would’ve said something. He looked like the only thing he’s taken down lately was a plate of ribs; I did get the last laugh after hearing from a bunch of martial artists about how much they hate Brock Lesnar and were hoping he’d lose. After Brock choked Carwin out, I did a victory lap and high-fived those who were celebrating with me.
It’s the little things in life that make it all worthwhile. But that might be what prevented me from getting into the good colleges.
Random Thoughts of the Week
Since there isn’t a whole of interesting things going this week that require further exploration, I’ve decided to go back to the oldie but goodie staple of Monday Morning Critic: The Wit and Wisdom Draft. Time to go to WAW Commisioner Timothy “Slappy” McGee, Esquire, for this week’s pick:
With the first pick of the draft the San Francisco Dirty Hippies select 12-time Oscar nominee and the most well known Lakers fan alive: Jack Nicholson.
It’s hard to just pick a handful of quotes from Nicholson because he’s easily the most quotable actor alive. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also the greatest actor ever, or at least one of the few that would merit inclusion in such a conversation. Twelve nominations for acting’s greatest prize, and three wins, puts him at the forefront and his innate coolness keeps him there. One of the things that bonded my father and I to film is our mutual affection for Jack and as such there’s only one place he could go in this draft: #1. And it’s hard to just pick one from a film, too, as there’s just so much material to grab from.
We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round. – Edward Cole, The Bucket List
It’s the commonality to all existence: it ends. And existence will always keep moving forward. Coming from a character who is dying of cancer it has a bit more meaning to it, I think, and The Bucket List was such an underrated film in retrospect. It’s a universal look at the end of life, as opposed to its beginning.
Here’s something to remember when you’re older Thomas – never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart. – Edward Cole, The Bucket List
It’s kind of interesting that on one’s death bed you never hear “I wish I would’ve worked more” and things like that. It’s always about the fun, exciting stuff and a lot of The Bucket List revolves around this. Seizing those end of life moments and living that finished life.
When you decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference? – Frank Costello, The Departed
The more famous quote from the film that won Scorsese an Oscar and it gets to the heart of danger. It doesn’t matter who has the gun on you in the moment of truth; it’s still a gun. It’s the nature of power, good or bad, is that no matter who has it that
I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me. – Frank Costello, The Departed
The ultimate in life; the world around you directly reflects what you wish it to appear to be.
Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to. – Col Jessup, A Few Good Men
It’s nice to be able to talk about freedom and liberty, but it comes at a price. And sometimes we’d rather not know how much it costs.
People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch. – Melvin Udall, As Good As It Gets
One of the great insults Jack’s ever used and definitely
I know we’re all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me? – Warren Schmidt, About Schmidt
It’s the one thing I always wonder, and I think it’s the driving force of humanity. What have we done, in the scope of all things that we’ve done in life, has meant something more? It’s why we climb mountains and invent things; we all want to have felt that we made a difference, somehow, in this world.
Oh, yeah, that’s right. That’s what’s it’s all about, all right. But talkin’ about it and bein’ it, that’s two different things. I mean, it’s real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don’t ever tell anybody that they’re not free, ’cause then they’re gonna get real busy killin’ and maimin’ to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they’re gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it’s gonna scare ’em. – George Hanson, Easy Rider
It’s the truth with nearly anything. We all want something, but do we really want it? Think of the big, grand ideas that people have about everything. Like it’d be nice to have a smaller government, and every Republican it seems always runs on that idea, but government isn’t exactly shrinking and never has.
If a guy’s close to you, you can’t slight ‘im. You can’t slight that guy. A real grievance can be resolved; differences can be resolved. But an imaginary hurt, a slight – that motherfucker gonna hate you ’til the day he dies. – Jimmy Hoffa, Hoffa
It’s one of the weird things about human interaction. You can screw someone over and manage to resolve that difference but little insults are the ones that we remember more than anything else.
Jack dreams that he can hustle the American working man, who’s one dream is that he could be rich enough not to work, into a revolution led by *his* party. – Eugene O’Neill, Reds
Anytime I hear someone talk about the working man and revolting against some monolithic structure I always tend to think of it as a scam. Why? Because everyone wants to be in charge and be the leader of it all, which means everything they say is code for “I want to be powerful and will say anything to get it.”
Have you ever heard the expression “Let sleeping dogs lie”? Sometimes you’re better off not knowing. – Jake Gittes, Chinatown
Sometimes you really are better off not knowing the truth. Sometimes it’s easier to believe a half truth, or a lie, than to know the full truth because it can really suck.
You can follow the action, which gets you good pictures. You can follow your instincts, which’ll probably get you in trouble. Or, you can follow the money, which nine times out of ten will get you closer to the truth. – Jake Gittes, The Two Jakes
The first thing that Deep Throat told Woodward and Bernstein is to follow the cash to take down Nixon. And the easiest way to explain a behavior or situation that defies normal logic and rational thinking is that usually it revolves around cash.
A Movie A Week – The Challenge
This Week’s DVD – Spider-Man 3
It was the biggest film of 2007 and probably the last great hurrah for the traditional superhero film. In retrospect Spider-Man 3 was to the genre like “Cherry Pie” was to hair metal in the 1980s; it was big and popular, admittedly, but the genre needed a fresh take on the superhero mythos. And over the past couple years we got The Dark Knight, Watchmen and others that changed the way we looked at the superhero.
The third film in the Spider-Man trilogy, or what’ll probably be the first Spider-Man trilogy once the reboot happens, we find Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) in a much better spot in his life. His hot-ass girlfriend (Kirsten Dunst) is about to become a big Broadway star and he’s excelling in college life. And he’s kind of beloved as Spider-Man, too, so life’s pretty good. So what’s going to happen to him? A quick turn to the dark side and two super-villains, that’s what. Now he has to tackle two villains stronger than anything he’s ever seen: Venom (Topher Grace) and the Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church).
I remember reviewing this film back in theatres and my opinion hasn’t changed. It’s a good film that doesn’t improve, or decline, when you see it. It stays about the same, quality wise, and this is one of those films that is trendy to bash, like Rocky or Forrest Gump, in that the majority of the group of people who aren’t fans of the film are a small group of people. They just actively dislike the film because it didn’t cater exactly to their comic geek fantasy and also happen to just be really loud.
Walking out of the film the second time I saw it (first time was at a critic’s screening two weeks prior, second was opening weekend with friends) I overheard a conversation that summed it all up for me. One teenager said to another “Dude that sucked.” The other said “Yeah, after the third time I thought it’d be good.” And I kept thinking “Why see it more than once if you hated it that much?” There were better films that came out that year to spend your cash on, but that’s just me. All in all, it’s a solid film that’s easy popcorn fodder in a genre that has since elevated itself beyond it.
Recommended, but not that hard.
What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club
Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore – Cats and Dogs reunite to save the world from a crazy, hairless cat.
See It – The first one was actually enjoyable and I think this will probably end up being the same.
Charlie St. Cloud – Charlie’s little brother dies and he skips college to play baseball with his hallucination. And then a hot chick gets involved somehow.
See It – It’s interesting to see Zac Efron’s post High School Musical career play out as he’s showing some really good acting chops and good choices for films.
Dinner for Schmucks – Paul Rudd and Steve Carrell engage in wackiness.
See It – Every early preview I’ve heard has said that this is a stinker but I can’t fathom a film with Rudd, Carrell and the fat guy from The Hangover being horrid. Just can’t.
Get Low – Bill Murray is an undertaker preparing a funeral for an old curmudgeon (Robert Duvall)
See It – Already getting Oscar buzz, this is getting a staged release and is only in a handful of theatres this weekend. Worth to check it out if you can.
Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.
Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings his trademarked irreverence and offensive hilarity to Twitter in 140 characters or less. Follow him @MMCritic_Kubryk.
