For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/2/10

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/2/10

To liberally steal from a theme song for that guy who has worked for four wrestling companies and pretty much ruined two of them, “I’m back and better than ever.” After my one week sabbatical to go take the Florida Bar (in case your wondering what that’s like, just imagine having to sit through episodes of WCW Thunder while Mark Madden and Tony Schiavone deliver live commentary sitting on the couch next to you…nude), I am back to the magical world of PulseWrestling.

So, what did I miss?

Well, after watching RAW, NXT, Superstars and Smackdown (and reading Suspension of Disbelief to find out about all the TNAwful nonsense and enjoy an obscure Lionel Ritchie reference), it looks like I missed a whole lot of nothing (as I pointed out on my Twitter site, which you can follow at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316). Seriously, not one interesting thing happened all week. It’s comforting to know that I can step away from the wrestling world and come back to find it in one piece. And since I missed last week, I present:

A Select Number of Thoughts on the Past Week of Wrestling

1) RAW overall was an example of how to do an hour-long holding pattern. After I finished watching that show, I thought I was about to board a plane in Newark. It was almost as if last week the WWE realized that they ended RAW with the sort of go-home momentum a pre-PPV show should have. Then, they checked and saw that SummerSlam wasn’t happening yet and realized that airing two hours of dead air would be a terrible idea (though chances are those two hours would score higher than Impact).

2) I liked the initial RAW segment between Jericho and Cena, because it underscored how important this is for John. The story is that everyone wants at the Nexus for their own reasons, and Cena will do whatever it takes to keep everyone together. It’s this kind of subtlety that is needed to keep this believable.

3) Orton versus one of the members of Greek Booze? When did this turn into a mid-80s episode of “Challenge”?

4) I like how Edge was the one to realize that The Great Khali is actually a member of the team. When people are more outraged that you’re on the team than a stroke survivor who can’t take a punch, you know you suck. And for the record, I really hope that Nexus not attacking Khali was because they realized he wasn’t worth their time and not because he’s secretly in an alliance with them and thus guaranteeing him more time.

5) All those that didn’t think it was going to come down to Bourne versus all seven members of Nexus were either drunk, under the age of 6 or a member of the Tea Baggers.

6) The main event wacky tag partner thing was all well and good until the WWE completely disregarded my #2 point and pulled out the plot sledgehammer with regards to the team not getting along. Instantly, I went from watching wrestling to watching a family law mediation. So for those of you who still don’t understand, Team Nexus all get along but Team Cena do not. This is called intrigue. Well, this would be called intrigue if it weren’t so contrived.

7) NXT’s decision to cut Eli saddened me because I really think he could have had some mileage on that show. He’s got a unique look, he’s creepy and he isn’t the worst big man on the roster. Instead, they keep Lucky Cannon? Really? He’s where charisma goes to die. I’m pretty sure he was one of the members of Techno Tag Team 2000. Lucky Cannon’s earnest attitude really makes me hope that they’re only keeping him around so he can keep getting his ass kicked.

8) Someone give Husky Harris a break already. I’m all for using the poll to create storylines, but having him next to last after he’s been booked to be that dominant is so beyond any measure of logic that I’m beginning to think the entire ranking system is done by Vince Russo.

9) What the hell is the point of creating a stable like Fortune and having three of the four members get jobbed out on the same show? I understand that Beer Money needed to lose to keep the Terri Invitational Tournament going, but did they really need to have Kaz squashed by Rob Terry in under 2 minutes?

10) EV2.0 is going to fail because it really isn’t ECW. How the hell can they claim that this is ECW when it’s obvious that the wrestlers are ripping off the promoters instead of it being the other way around? Hell, I bet their checks are all going to clear. Way to go, TNA.

11) So Kane thinks that Rey put Undertaker into his vegetative state. I haven’t heard that big of a lie since I heard someone say that the ECW PPV is going to be a good idea. You know, because…the show…the ECW thing…it’s going to be bad…and…Rey is too short to…do…anything. Basically the WWE wants to wait until Taker can come back and reveal that it was Kane all along, so until then he’ll keep accusing people like the women who have claimed that Al Gore sexually assaulted them. I mean its Al Gore. I’m pretty sure that where he should have a penis there’s just a smooth surface like a Ken doll or Alan Rickman in “Dogma”. Wait, where the fuck was I going with all of this? Oh yeah, Kane’s the higher power.

12) Hey, Kofi Kingston’s angry again. Hopefully this anger doesn’t raise the ire of Randy Orton again, or else it’ll be a long fall of Kofi jobbing to Chavo on Superstars.

13) About time they decided to end this whole LayCool double-title thing. That belt should be held with honor and integrity, like when Harvey Wippleman wore drag and won the title.

14) I’ve got to hand it to the Straight Edge Society, that attack on Big Show demonstrated that they are willing to knuckle up, as I wouldn’t have fingered them to be the violent type. Sorry, was that last sentence a little heavy handed?

15) Who the fuck is the member of Creative obsessed with tossing people and objects into a lake? It’s almost like Homer Simpson’s idea of rolling up the pig in a blanket and tossing it off of a bridge became their go-to pitch for anything. The idea is all wet (two puns in a row at no additional charge).

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 8/2/10

Hey, there’s no signature this week! The Michael Cole reign of terror is over!

We open with a video recap of the formation of Team Cena. We then cut to dramatic music to show Nexus destroying the midcard before seeing Team Cena doing their best Oasis impersonation.

This then leads us to our Nickelback-saturated RAW open. Wow, there’s a lot of footage of some guy with long hair and a beard. What the hell was his name again? You know who I’m talking about, the guy who held the belt for the better part of a decade and has been nailing Vince’s son Stephanie. Eh, it’ll come to me.

There’s pyro and ballyhoo and we…are…TAPED from parts unknown. Tonight, Randy Orton takes on The Miz. We also get the world premiere of “Legendary” despite the fact that it’s been online for quite some time.

Edge is out first and he signals for his pyro and like an old man before Viagra, it’s a lot of buildup for nothing to happen. Did he lose his pyro privileges? Edge says he tried but it was clear that he has to go with his gut. He needs to listen to one person and one person only, George W. Bush. Oh wait, that wasn’t where he was going. He said he needs to listen to himself. Apparently the fans let him down when he tried to be a face. His team let him down when they all imploded last week. Edge doesn’t respect Cena, trust Jericho, have faith in Khali, has no clue who Morrison and that black guy are and now he needs to do things his way.

Edge says that Nexus needs to go, so he’s challenging Wade Barrett one-on-one. He wants everyone to keep their noses out of this…Triple H! That’s it…but it gets interrupted by One-Man Minstrel Show Resurrection Truth. Edge says that he wanted to be alone, but Truth says he was going to axe him the same question. Truth says it’s bigger than Barrett and that Edge will listen to Truth. R-Truth then says that Edge has been in a lot of matches and a ton of matches, but asks how many times has he had to fight for everything. Does the Invasion count?

Apparently this is a fight for their lifestyle, so I guess Nexus is opposed to mixed-race homosexual couples. Truth says that Edge needs to pull his head out of his ass. That’s the truth. Well, it isn’t because his head isn’t literally up his own ass. Edge then combats this nonsense with a snake metaphor before offering to spear Truth.

The GMail goes off and says that if Edge wants Wade Barrett, then it’s on. They will face each other…nextus. Truth says good luck and that Edge is on his own. Well, Edge is a multi-time champion who has beaten John Cena, Triple H and The Undertaker. Wade Barrett beat…uh…Mark Henry.

Commercial.

Edge v. Wade Barrett

Edge is still in the ring as we come back from break. Wade Barrett and his Noid t-shirt is out, complete with the theme from WWE: The Music Volume 38. Edge starts off the match dominating Wade Barrett, which makes sense when you consider he’s an experienced wrestler and Wade has had a grand total of one singles match on RAW.

Barrett comes back and knocks Edge to the outside, and I will once again point out that Wade is officially the Kenny of the Nexus’s Spirit Squad. It’s clear that he’s the best in-ring guy they have left, and he’s the one least likely to expose his lack of experience. If this were a one-on-one match between Edge and Darren Young, does anyone honestly believe it wouldn’t be a train wreck (even with Edge carrying Young)?

Wade has Edge down in the center of the ring with a rest hold, which is smart. Keep the chances of him botching things to a minimum. I thought for sure when he screwed up his finisher on Henry that they would keep him out of the ring. Instead, they’re going to let him work with Edge, who could possibly show that he’s getting close to broomstick levels.

Edge and Wade trade right hands as Cole continues to beat Edge’s snake metaphor into the ground. Edge takes Barrett down for two before climbing the top rope and continuing to subconsciously get us to associate him with Flair. Wade stops him and goes for “unnamed finishing move” but Edge reverses it into a DDT. Edge then begins his several minute telegraphing of a Spear, but Wade slides out of the ring to a chorus of boos. Say what you want about Nexus, they are over as heels.

Wade signals for Nexus to appear, so Edge bolts. Why the hell would they bother to all put on their Nexus t-shirts but no pants? Who walks around like that?

Commercial.

Edge is in the back looking for Cena, and it turns out he was standing like 10 feet away from him just staring into space. Odd. Edge asks where the hell Cena was. John says that he was in the back doing nothing. Edge then quits Team Cena. The camera then pans and Jericho is standing right next to him. Either Jericho is secretly the butler from “Mr. Deeds” or John Cena is completely devoid of peripheral vision. Chris tells Cena to quit Team Jericho, or else he will make John quit. Cena then accepts a “Loser Leaves the Seven-On-Seven Team” Match. Man, that is one hell of a title.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole throw us to our Summerslam recall. It’s 1991 and we get to see highlights from one of my absolute favorite wrestling matches of all time; Hart v. Perfect. This was one of the first PPVs I ever saw live, and it feels like it was yesterday. When you realize how fucked up Perfect’s back was, it makes that match all the more impressive.

The Great Khali and John Slo-Morrison and his quasi-beard are in the back. John says that everyone needs to work together, but this leads to a reference to the Seven Dwarfs. Morrison leaves before David Otunga and Michael Tarver pop up out of nowhere to say that if Khali wants to join Nexus, the door is open. Stop. The. Pain.

Commercial.

We’re back and Eve, Gail Kim and Natalya are in the ring posing. They’re smart, sexy and powerful in case you were unaware. Their opponents are Alicia Fox, Jillian and Snukette.

Gail Kim, Eve Torres and Natalya v. Alicia Fox and The Place Where Erections Go to Die

Jillian Hall and Gail Kim start it off as the two of them battle over who has been misused the most by the WWE. Lawler then channels 1993 RAW by forcing a reference to Lindsay Lohan into his commentary. Meanwhile, in the ring, Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are going at it before Kim tags in Natalya. Cole says Natalya is as rough and tough as they come, and according to my old Jim Ross/Fabulous Moolah translator, this means that she’s a lesbian.

All hell breaks loose as the Divas all brawl on the outside. In the ring, Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter but then Snukette pulls a Jackie Gayda and after some more nonsense, Fox kicks Natalya in the head for the pin.

Alicia Fox was given a microphone for some reason as she says this is the greatest reign for any Tramp Stamp Title holder ever. She has pinned every Diva, but this brings out this generation’s Rick Steiner, Melina. Well giddy up.

Melina kicks Alicia before going for that awkward leg drop while yelling I’m back. I’m sure there are people out there that find her attractive but I won’t say anything mean about them because I was taught not to mock the blind.

In the back, Sheamus and his comically large necklace and belt is walking towards a…

Commercial.

WWE Champion Sheamus v. Goldust

Sheamus is out first, which just irks the hell out of me. Yes, I know they’re coming back from break and they want to grab the audience, but the champion should never come out first.

His opponent is Goldust, and now I know I’m watching mid-90’s WWE. Nothing says taped RAWs quite like matches like this. I kinda miss those old WWE taped RAWs where you would have these kinds of contests. They work because you’re allowing main event guys who appear on television in glorified squashes. That way when Sheamus actually wrestles another big name, it feels special. Then again, when these two went at it in ECW, it felt like a genuine feud.

Goldust goes on the aggressive early but Sheamus kicks him in the head and connects with the double-axe handle. Sheamus then connects with the backbreaker, which is called the Irish Curse Backbreaker because it just popped Dustin’s liver. Sheamus then delivers the bicycle kick followed by the O’Doyle Rules yell. Sheamus sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but not before pulling out a little Boondock Saints by making a cross with his hand in midair. He then connects with the move that’s now called the High Cross. Really? That was the best they could come up with? The High Cross?

“Wut a difference a year makes. Dis tyme lass year, ah wus in a war wit Goldust in EE Sea Dubya, tryin tah make a name for meeself. One year later, deres no tryin, just sheer and udder dominance. See wheta ya luik it er noh, ahm a two tyme duble ya duble ya ee chumpun standing onda topa da world. And ah didna need ta grab a briefcase like Duh Miz nor wuz ah lucky enough tah be born a tird generation soup-or-star like Randy Orton. Ah got ere all buy muyself. Muy own had work. And all dese people in da universe come ta wuch me. Ahn wuh abou Chiple Ache? Yur hero, a man Randy Orton couldn’t beast, well ah ended his careeah. An da irony is, ahm gonna do tha same ta Randy Orton. You people don’t give me da credit ahn respect ah deserve. Ah don’t wan yer respec and don’t need your credah. All ah need is wuh ah already have.”

The promo was really good, aside from the fact that he’s saying that he earned his spot when we all know that he got it because he used to work out with Triple H. You know what? I’ll give him a pass, because he’s someone making the most with his opportunity. It’s kinda like CM Punk during his second title reign, where he just went balls to the wall and made himself a star.

Commercial.

Loser Leaves the Seven-On-Seven Team for the Match Against Nexus at Summerslam Live From Los Angeles Match: Chris Jericho v. John Cena

Jericho comes out first and is yelling at the ref for some reason. My guess is that it’s because he’s facing a guy he always loses to in stipulation matches. John Cena is out next, on the longest running action adventure home gardening show on cable television. The bell rings and both guys lock up in the center of the ring. Cena takes the early advantage but Jericho ducks the flying shoulderblock and John winds up on the outside. Jericho then launches Cena into the steel stairs. Then, as a touch of brilliance, he yells, “Stay down, idiot.”

Cole again reminds us that Bret Hart is in Calgary training for this match, and I hope beyond all hope that he’s somewhere chasing a chicken. In the ring, Jericho has a resthold locked in while yelling for Cena to give up. Cena breaks free and busts out the Five Moves of Mediocrity. John goes for “You Can’t See Me” and eats a Codebreaker. John’s body rolls out of the ring, so Chris tries to drag him back in. He gets him in just in time for a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Jericho pulls a page out from Hogan’s book by doing the cupping-the-ear gimmick. Cena responds by trying to lock in the STFU. Chris breaks free but almost gets caught with an FU before dumping John out of the ring. Jericho then rams Cena into the announce position before yelling “Stay down! You’re a stupid man!” Pure gold.

Jericho comes off the top rope and connects with an elbow for two. Lawler and Cole keep talking about how John’s head isn’t in the match, which doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. Are they intentionally undercutting Jericho because they know he’s leaving or are they going for something here? Jericho hits a Lionsault for two.

Chris has Cena set up on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but Cena knocks him off and connects with the Rocker Dropper, but apparently has tweaked his knee. John then goes for the FU but Jericho breaks free and turns it into the Walls of Jericho. Cena reverses it and locks in the STFU. Before he can even really get it in, Jericho taps. What the fuck? My guess is that they’re going for the whole “Jericho was just trying to injure Cena” gimmick.

John has the microphone. He says that the fans saw one hell of a match (which I agree with) and he doesn’t want Chris to leave the team. Apparently the choice is Jericho’s. Chris walks towards the ring for a moment before taking his ball and going home. He then pauses again at the top of the ramp and then leaves for good as he goes through the curtain into a…

Commercial.

Edge is in the back before Jericho bursts in. Edge says he doesn’t blame Jericho for doing what he did and he says he respects Chris. Chris says he respects Edge. Edge says they’ve been through a lot, and together they could own this place. Why do I feel like I’m watching “Big Brother”? Edge says that they should reform their old alliance before hugging. The GMail goes off and says that next week Edge and Chris Jericho will face John Cena and Bret Hart with Nexus surrounding the ring.

Mini-Orton is in the back with Randy Ortwitter. Randy says that if Sheamus thinks that he’s the only one to make Hunter go down, he’s crazy. Randy says he kicked Hunter in the skull. Also, I’m pretty sure Ultimate Warrior destroyed him. And so did Marc Mero. And Henry Godwinn. Pretty much everyone on the roster in ’96, with the exception of Aldo Montoya.

Commercial.

We’re back with a trailer for John Cena’s new movie, “Vision Quest”…I mean “Legendary”.

Loser May Or May Not Be Off Seven-On-Seven WWE Team for Summerslam Nexus Match in California Live on Pay Per View Match: The Great Khali v. Teddy DiBiase

Khali starts off by launching Teddy into the corner and delivering some chops. I guess they figure it’s hard to botch that. Teddy then bounces off of him for a little bit like a kid at a birthday party before Maryse climbs onto the apron to distract Khali. Teddy then goes after Khali’s knee but then Wade Barrett and Skip Sheffield show up. Khali then delivers the Khali Chop-Chop and then the Khali Vice-Grip for the win. I forgot all about that move.

The Miz is in the back with his suitcase, and he’s walking towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and we get some shtick featuring Ron Burgundy, Marky Mark and the Bella Twins. Wahlberg actually gets a great line when he says that he cried when Wendi Richter got into the Hall of Fame.

Randy Ortwitter v. The Miz

The Miz is out first and he’s clinging to the briefcase before it leaves him for Miami. Miz says that last week Orton made a mistake when he cost Miz his chance at cashing in the briefcase. Tonight he will pay. Perhaps he’ll go eat some hay. I bet he may. Miz says that he will be WWE Champion because he’s The Miz and he has a catchphrase that can be sung along with by the crowd.

I hear voices, and those voices are busy Tweeting about Randy Orton.

Orton and Miz tie up in the center of the ring as the fans chant for Orson Welles. Miz wails away on Orton but eats one hell of a clothesline. Randy then busts out the Garvin Stomp, which is actually a vintage move. Again, I’m happy to see a guy like The Miz in the main event on RAW, even if it were more of a necessity.

Orton clotheslines Miz out of the ring, but this brings out Sheamus and a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Orton is wailing away on Miz. Miz then comes back from out of nowhere (well, from the ropes) with a boot. Randy then goes for a backbreaker on Miz, but seems to hurt his own knee. Stupid! Stupid!

I tell you what, making Miz look like he’s on even footing with Randy Orton is potentially worth its weight in gold for the WWE. See TNA, this is how you allow a guy to become a main event threat.

Orton comes back with the scoop slam and sets him up for the second-rope DDT but Miz flips him over the top rope. That was a hell of a counter. Miz dominates Orton but then out of nowhere Randy his the RKO. Sheamus charges down but Randy somehow holds him off simply by looking menacing.

This has been for your consideration.