Suspension of Disbelief: TNA Impact Report for 07.29.2010 – The Plots Thicken!

Before I get started…

So, as some of you may be aware of, MTV’s hit “reality” show, Jersey Shore, made its way back to the airwaves. I don’t know about you guys, but I just can’t to see Snooki, The Situation, J-Woww, and the other Jersey folks…

…drown in a puddle of their own vomit.

Figuratively.

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In other news, big shouts to the homey Andy Wheeler on his Nation Stomping of the Bar Exam.

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Alright, that’s it for the ramblings part of the column. This thing is already 4 days late and I was told that if I delay the posting any longer, they were gonna force me to watch Napoleon Dynamite.

*shudders*

Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!

So, either by design or by DVR fault, we start the TNA Impact broadcast (which broads do not belong in, by the by) with the ECW guys in the ring: Raven, Mick Foley, Stevie Richards, Tommy Dreamer, Rhyno/Rhino and Brother Devon. Dreamer’s got the microphone, and after asking where his snare is, he says that the Impact ZOne is the loudest he’s ever heard it. He says he knows there’s been a lot of buzz about August 8th (which is my buddy Jay’s wedding anniversary, so clearly Dreamer is hinting at buying Jay a honey farm. Score!), so to void legal trouble over some letters *cough*ECW*cough*, they’re going to start referring to themselves as “E.V. 2.0”, as they’re the second version of Extreme. Tommy says he wants to thank Brother Devon, and tells him it’s nice to have him back. He does, however, want to know what’s up with Brother Ray.

Devon says he doesn’t know, and that while they do have their differences, what family doesn’t? Devon then calls Brother Ray down to the ring to settle this once and for all. Devon also calls Brother Ray “Bubba”, and then immediately flicked a quarter at Vince McMahon and told him to keep the change, you filthy animal.

While I think to myself how much I enjoy Devon’s work on the microphone lately (was he always this good?), Brother Ray walks out. Brother Devon says they should put their differences aside, the situation with Jesse Neal aside. He says ECWE.V. 2.0 is family, and that they’re where it all began. He says the E.V. 2.0 guys have had their backs since Day 1. Devon asks if Brother Ray is in or out. Ray turns to walk back up the ramp, and then Tommy Dreamer gets on the microphone.

Dreamer says Bubba (another quarter for VKM, and I don’t mean the Voodoo Kin Mafia) is his best friend and that’s quite enough. He says E.V. 2.0 is something bigger, that this is like Kiss getting back together–the original lineup, in the makeup. He says there’s no politics, just one more time for the fans. One last time to say thanks. He says they’re not trying to recreate magic, and then Mick Foley gets on the mic.

A “One More Time!” chant breaks out, calls him Brother Ray (Foley was always smart with his money), and says that with him or without him, they’re going to have one hell of a show. He goes on to say that, in his opinion, the show will be that much better with Brother Ray’s participation. He says he can almost guarantee that, when he looks back on his career, he’ll regret not doing this show. He says he wants Ray in this ring. Just then, a familiar voice calls out.

Taz, house mic in hand, says for Brother Ray to just do it, man. Just do it. Taz then hands $0.25 to Phil Knight. Brother Ray walks towards the ring, grabs the mic, and wants Devon to answer just one question. That question is asking if they’ll get to light someone on fire. Devon nods in the affirmative, and while an “E.V. 2.0!” chant breaks out, Bubba says what the hell, he’s in. Mike Tenay says that Taz closed the deal. Taz says it’s a feel good moment, and the strains of Muzak “Voodoo Chile” plays, and out comes Hulk Hogan.

Hulk climbs into the ring, and a quick look at Raven’s face shows a look of complete and utter disdain. This is interesting, as back in ECW’s heyday, they were the anti-WCW. It was pretty cool seeing that line-up in the ring with Hulk Hogan. In any event, I’ll always love Hulk Hogan.

A “Hogan!” chant rings out, and Hulk says that it looks like the E.V. 2.0 guys are gonna ride again. Hulk says that’s really cool, and thanks them for doing that with TNA. He says he wishes he’d have known, that he would’ve had a few extra surprises, but it’s still cool. He says he gets the whole hardcore thing (hey now!), but these guys take it to a whole other level. A TNA chant, and then Hulk repeats the line about what he was to (the WWF in) the ’80s, the men in the ring were to the ’90s. He says he missed it the first time around because while they were tearing it down, he was walking around in a black bears. He says he gets to see it now, and that no one does it better than them. He then tells them that he and Eric Bischoff have a surprise for the fans, and that Eric will be out later to make the announcement.

Just then, Abyss’ music hits. Abyss walks out with Janice, and says that he hates to break-up this extreme reunion, but They’re unhappy. He says They are downright pissed off because this reunion was never part of the plan. He says it wasn’t supposed to happen, and they hold one person solely responsible. He says it’s not Dreamer or Foley or the “sheep” in the audience. He says They hold Dixie Carter responsible. To this, I say “They!? There’s more Theys!? Whaaa?”

Hulk says he couldn’t care less. He says that as far as he’s concerned, Abyss should hit the road and get his head checked. He says Tommy Dreamer is a guest and that nothing is going down with the E.V. 2.0 guys until Hardcore Justice.

Abyss says They gave him strict orders to take Tommy Dreamer out, and that there’ll be no Hardcore Justice.

Hogan reiterates that Dreamer is a guest and that there’ll be none of that until Hardcore Justice, but Dreamer interrupts him to say he’d love to fight Abyss tonite if Dixie and Hogan allow it. Nods are exchanged, and Dreamer says it looks like it’s gonna happen.

We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening, which I use to runrunrun to the computer to listen to *N’Sync’s 2000 hit, “It’s Gonna Be Me”, off their multi-platinum album, No Strings Attached.
And say what you wnat about them, but Kim Smith is effing hot. In fact, here it is:

We’re back, and happy days are here again, as it’s a locker-room segment with The Beautiful People! We will now pause while my eyes shoot out of my head whilst accompanied by the “AH-OO-GAH!” noise.

Lacey Von Erich is with Velvet Sky, and Lacey says they have to fix the trouble in the group or else they won’t be best friends. Velvet says there’s nothing to fix, and while she’s talking I’m just staring at Lacey Von Erich and wondering which deity I have to sacrifice what to in order to end up with her.

Madison Rayne walks in and says she’s given the situation a lot of thought, and she’s determined that they need to stick together or they won’t accomplish anything. She says they have every belt in the Knockout division, so why jeopardize it? Velvet says it’s jeopardized because Mad-Ray said she didn’t need them. Or maybe it’s because Mad-Ray added a fourth person who they still don’t know the identity of, without consulting her or Lacey. Or maybe it’s because she teamed with Sarita. Lacey tries to separate two of them, but Velvet to stop it. Lacey looks wounded, hot.

Madison says that as far as Sarita is concerned, the fact that Sarita is taking on Angelina Love for the #1 Contender spot for Madison’s own TNA Knockouts Title, should speak for itself. She also says that when Motorcycle Chick showed up, she extended the offer to leave to both Lacey AND Velvet. Madison says she wants things to go back to how it was. Lacey pleads for this also. Velvet, who is wearing boobie glitter, just stares at her nails.

Madison Rayne aplogizes, but Velvet says there will be no truce. Madison apologizes again, Lacey says please in the same tone that my nephew Bryon does when he wants ice cream, and then Velvet finally caves. They hug, Lacey says they’re happy, and I’m thrilled.

They cut to the ring, where Sarita is awaiting her opponent. It’s Angelina Love vs Sarita in a match to determine who will be the #1 Contender for the Knockouts Championship. As Angelina Love walks down to the ring I use my keen eyes to notice that her boobs look ridiculous tonite, and Wow, she’s missing panels out of the sides of her tights. Excuse me, I have to hit “pause” to spray liquid nitrogen directly onto my junk.

My junk freshly frozen, I resume the match. Headlock by Angelina to start, followed by some shoulderblocks. Sarita returns the favor, and the two exchange covers. Nice little sequence of counters to start. Match continues, Sarita pulls the referee in front of her to stop Angelina’s assault, then punches Love. Sarita misses a clothesline, and Angelina capitalizes with a roll-up that gets a two-count.

Sarita lands a couple of kicks, then hits Love with a few punches in the corner. Sarita with a snapmare and a pin attempt that gets a one and a half count. Sarita charges again, Angelina attempts another roll-up but can’t hit, and Sarita makes her pay with a clothesline. Sarita hits some elbows, and locks on a camel clutch, but she turns it into a choke that the referee breaks up.

Love comes back with some punches, but gets hit with a back suplex. Sarita does a little dance, then goes for a pin that gets a two-count. Sarita attempts another cover but has a handful of tights, and the ref stops the count. Sarita goes for a suplex but Angelina flips out of it. She follows it up with a spear and some punches. Love has Sarita up, nails a back elbow and a spinning heel kick. Angelina hits a flying clothesline, and Love hits her finisher, a big kick called the “Botox Injection.” Okay, I’m convinced Mike Tenay is just making these up now. Angelina covers Sarita, the referee counts the pin, and Angelina Love is the new #1 contender for the TNA Knocksouts championship!

We cut backstage, and Orlando Jordan is talking with a hepped up Eric Young. Young says that he might not be right in the head but he has a plan, and he’s bringing backup. Orlando Jordan remarks that they say he had problems, and that’s the end. That…was weird. Young was kinda funny, but um, yeah.

We then cut to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to buy $240 worth of pudding from Barry and LaVon.

We’re back, and they show clips from TNA Explosion (??), and they show Homicide kicking Eric Young in the head, and then Young acting all goofy.

We’re back, and it’s Ink Inc. vs Orlando Jordan and Eric Young. The Ink Inc. boys (Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore) are already in the ring. Orlando Jordan is out next, and I think I get his gimmick: He’s a super-gay Lil’ Wayne. Jordan walks down to the ring, calls over SoCal Val, and gives her his ABC gum by placing it into her mouth. That… was gross. Eric Young is out next, and his backup is a Mannequin wearing a pink feather boa. Alrighty.

Match is underway, Jordan sends some forearms to Jesse Neal followed by a big back elbow, then an elbow to the head, another elbow, and a swinging neckbreaker. The next sequence is lost to the ether because I left my phone in the “Function” mode whilst typing in notes, so all I have written is “-%(9;24 &( (2,”** $&%(/ -%@ &%@ ),((2~%^(4 ;2,5** )&&32 9&)24 ^( @& ;2″- (2,”“.

As they say in the hood: My bad.

Anyway, I pick up with a Jesse Neal jawjacker on Orlando Jordan. Jordan tags in young, who then throws in the Mannequin, who I’m naming “Emmy” for obvious reasons. Orlando is incredulous, but Young says that the Mannequin is the legal man. Okay, that was funny.

While Jordan stands there baffled, Ink Inc. sets him up for Shannon Moore’s “Mooregasm”, and Ink Inc. takes the win. Young checks on Emmy, who has seen better days.

We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. One of the ads shown is for Starburst, that features Korean Scottish dudes, or Scottish Korean dudes depending on how you look at it. In any event, that commercial was hilarious. In my notes it says “C’est magnifique!”

Impact returns with Ric Flair on the microphone. He’s accompanied by newly-crowned TNA Global Champion “The Phenominal” A.J. Styles, Kazarian, and Beer Money. Ric says that excitement is in the air. He says that people already know that he’s a wrestling god, and a genius, because in every match contract he signs, he always has an option for a return bout. He announces that next week will be a streetfight between Ric Flair and Jay Lethal. He then calls Lethal his smallest black brother, and I’m not sure if that’s racist or not. Rick says next week Lethal has The Nature Boy.

Ric then goes on to talk about Fortune. He officially welcomes Beer Money into the group and calls them the real muscle in TNA. He also lets the ladies know that after the matches they’re a real handful too. Robert Roode gets the mic and says that while it’s an honor, it was also only a matter of time before Beer Money joined Fortune because the greatest faction today can’t go without the greatest tag team of today. He goes on to say they’re going to defeat the Motor City Machine Guns in a steel cage match later tonite to become the four time, four time, four time, four time TNA World Tag Team Champions.

Ric introduces the TNA Global Champion, A.J. Styles, but he defers to Kazarian. Kazarian says that what’s standing before you isn’t some silly gang of angry rookies–SHOTS FIRED! He says Fortune is made up of seasoned vets who are the best at what they do in the entire TNA Galaxy–SHOTS FIRED!!

A.J. then grabs the mic and says that they’re the best because The Nature Boy deserves the best. He says Ric also deserves respect, and that the TNA Global Title deserves respect. A.J. says that it’s no longer the Global Title, but rather the Television Title. He says every TV taping and Pay-Per-View he will defend the title, and he’ll start by giving the man he took the belt from, “The Freak” Rob Terry, a title shot… if he can beat Kazarian later on!

Flair closes by telling the girls in the arena that they’ll be at the hotel tonite, and they’ll be running all nite long. He says if there’s a long-haired girl between 18 and 28 with a full sweater, they’ll be running all nite long. He tells us to learn to love it because they’re the best thing running today. He also adds a Karamo, Fiesta, forever, and then Woo’s us out. Okay, it was just the Woo.

I like this faction, I like this throwback, and I like this angle. Speaking of Angle, Kurt’s music hits and out comes the Olympic Gold Medalist. Angle tells A.J. that he’s glad he’s honoring the title, but to know that he has to honor his own commitment by climbing the ladder and winning the TNA World Title. He says unfortunately (get it? get it?), A.J. is next in line. Kurt tells us that it’s real, it’s danged real.

We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to rub my ass in that pudding. Awww Yeeeaaahh.

We’re back, and it’s time for the Third match in the Best-of-Five TNA World Tag Team Championship Series. The champion Motor City Machine Guns are up against Beer Money. Beer Money is up 2-0. Beer Money (James Storm and Robert Roode) are in the ring, and then the Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin) are out next. Instead of coming down the ramp, they sneak out thru the crowd, climb to the top of the cage, and then nail an awesome double high-cross body. A “Mo-tor Ci-ty” chant breaks out, and the ‘Guns respond by throwing Storm and Roode face-first into the cage. Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m playoff game-level excited about this match. I’m anxious to see if the ‘Guns can come back, and I literally have that do-or-die feeling hoping they can live to fight another day. It’s an amazing feeling, and it is a reward for not reading spoilers.

Sick diving dropkicks to Storm’s face, and a dropkick to the back of Roode’s face into the cage, and now Roode is busted wide open. Order resumes with Shelley and Storm in the ring and their partners in the corners. Takedown neckbreaker by Storm followed by some punches and a tag to Robert Roode. Roode kicks Shelley, then a punch, and a quick tag to Storm. The announcers have a good exchange wondering whether or not the ‘Gunses high flying style will be hurt by the confines of the cage.

Roode gets in a chinlock, but Shelley makes his way out and lands a couple of kicks. Shelley take a big jump to try to tag Sabin in, but Roode catches him in mid-air and drives him into the corner. The two fight atop the turnbuckle, and Shelley executes a huracanrana. Both Roode and Shelley make tags, and Sabin fires off forearms to both members of Beer Money. Sabin heads to the top rope and then nails a double drop kick, one foot for Roode, another for Storm.

Roode gets thrown into the corner, and then Storm is thrown in and ends up in the Tree of Woe, trapping Roode! Flying kick to Roode’s face, and then a dropkick to the upside down face of Storm! This is… This is… Pandemononium!!

Huge Tornado ddt on Storm followed by a two-count, with the pin attempt broken up by Roode. Shelley is in the ring now, goes for Dudley Dog, and misses. He’s on the top turnbuckle now, and in the ring Roode clotheslines Sabin and Sabin flips around. Whoof.

Shelley hits Roode violently, face-first into the cage, and then a huge stomp by Shelley onto Roode’s chest. Clotheslines for Storm in the corner, but then Storm fires out with a huge swinging, behind-the-back slam on Shelley. Meanwhile, Sabin goes for a huracanrana, but he’s caught by Roode in Powerbomb Position and then slammed into the cage. Roode still has Sabin in powerbomb position, and Storm executes a backcracker, aided by a Roode powerbomb. The move only gets a two-count as Sabin kicks out, and I got legitimately nervous that the ‘Guns were done just then. A “This Is Awe-Some!” chant breaks out, and I couldn’t agree more.

Beer Money climbs onto the ropes to start the climb out of the cage, but Shelley jumps up with them. He nails Storm, then takes Roode down for a jawnbreaker. Sabin climbs to the top of the ring and and hits a flying high-cross body on top of both Beer Money guys. In my notes it says “Fucking Amazing”, and it was.

Shelley has Roode for the combo neckbreaker-splash move, but Storm comes from behind with the beer bottle. Shelley moves and Storm hits Roode! Roode collapses, and Shelley locks in Storm for the same neckbreaker-splash move! Sabin nails the splash and covers Storm. Shelley holds down Roode, and the ref counts Storm’s shoulders down for the pin!

Incredible match, and I let out maniacal laughter when the ‘Guns won. Fuck a “Mark-Out” moment. This is why I watch wrestling. Amazing match, and out of both major U.S. companies, nobody’s putting on better matches than these four men. Happy for the ‘Guns, as they get to pick the next stipulation. The Motor City Machine Guns stave off elimination with a great match and a great finish, and have cut Beer Money’s lead to 2-1.

We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to cuddle with that match so it knows I care about it just as much as it cares about me.

Impact is back with a little slack, cuz commercial breaks are wiggity wiggity wiggity wack! Mr. Anderon is coming out, and I don’t mind his theme music at all, in fact–HEY! That’s not Mr. Anderson! That’s The Blueprint Matt Morgan! I got fooled worse than Princes Vespa in the Sands of Vega!

Anyway, Morgan is out, and he’s a good heel. Tres Douchey, if you will. He calls for the mic to be dropped only it doesn’t fall. Morgan yells, and Taz wonders if Morgan is yelling at the guy who drops the microphone or the microphone itself. The mic drops, but a foot or so over Morgan’s head. Matt jumps for it and grabs the mic to introduce himself. He says he’s nearly eight feet tall, he weighs in at 400 and one quarter pounds, hails from Fairfield, Connecticut, is the DNA of TNA, the MVP of Spike TV, he is The Blueprint Matt Morgan… wait for it… wait for it… Morgan! That was fun.

The lights go out and the real Mr. Anderson… Anderson… Villano IV… Anderson comes out. At the top of the ramp, the mic drops on the first try. Anderson asks if Morgan sees how easy that was. He then sends the mic back up and does it again. Says it’s real easy to do. Anderson walks down to the ramp and gets into the ring. Morgan says the mic bit was real cute, and then asks if Anderson thinks it’s ironic that the steel mic, Anderson’s calling card, was the instrument he used to bust Anderson wide open. He says he can tell Anderson wants to hit him, to take out the big bad wolf. Morgan says he’ll give Anderson a free shot, and tells Anderson to nut up and grow a pair and not let his fans down. He taunts Anderson to hit him in the jaw. Morgan has his eyes shut tighter than the cap to Glenn Beck’s Anti-Crazy Pills bottle, and Anderson decides to take his free shot in the form of the Johnny Cage Nut Punch to Morgan’s juevos. THERE WILL BE NO LOVIN’ IN THE MORGAN HOUSEHOLD TONITE!

Morgan, collapsed, is hit with punches and then taunted by Anderson. Morgan recovers, hits Anderson, chokes him with his hand, and then grabs the microphone and chokes Anderson with the cord. Just then, Jeff Hardy’s music hits and he runs down to make the save. He stomps Morgan and chokes him with his foot, and then Anderson joins in for some hot double stomping action. Security comes into break it up and ends up throwing Hardy outta the ring. Security holds onto Anderson, who gets hit by Morgan. Security is holding back Anderson and Hardy (Laurel was booked), and then D’Lo, Al Snow, and some dude named Kenny come in to settle things down. Security mouths off to D’Lo, who tells security to never talk to him like that again. Tenay says security overstepped their boundaries. Hmm. Interesting.

We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to compose a haiku about my love for The Beautiful People. Here it is:

Lacey & Velvet
And also Madison Rayne
You make my pants tight.

Impact hath returned! Mike Tenay hammers home the point that Security went too far, and we’re backstage. Christy Hemme is with Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy and asks what happened. Anderson says that security couldn’t make it in wrestling so they had to settle for being security guards in a wrestling companyh. He says tonight their dream comes true. It’s gonna be Security Guys vs Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy, and Anderson says for them to bring the 7 foot goof when the match happens later.

Back out to the ring, it’s time for Kazarian vs “The Freak” Rob Terry. Kazarian is out first with A.J. Styles, and then Terry comes out next. The referee immediately sends A.J. Styles backstage, but before he leaves, Styles spits on Rob Terry. Terry goes after Styles, but Kazarian dropkicks him in the back. Terry, in “Hulk Smash!” mode, tosses Kazarian around for a bit, then hits the “Freakbuster” double-arm chokeslam. Terry gets the pin, and therefore a shot at A.J. Style’s newly-christened Television Title. Taz says he’s impressed by Terry’s victory, as Kazarian is no “ham and egger.” Nice shout out to a sick Bobby “The Brain” Heenan by Taz.

Eric Bischoff is gonna be out next!

We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to eat a big ass bucket of chicken.

We’re back in the Impact Zone, and it’s Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy vs The Blueprint Matt Morgan and Security, Murphy and Gunner. Wouldn’t it be great if Murphy’s first name was Matthew? I could make a Nelson joke!

Morgan starts in after he slap-tags Murphy’s back. Jeff Hardy decides to tag in Mr. Anderson. Morgan then tags Murphy back in. Murphy tags in Gunner, and Taz wonders if anyone’s gonna tag the referee. Gunner and Anderson finally start off the match. Sideheadlock by Anderson, then a shoulderblock and a neckbreaker. Anderson goes for the pin but Gunner kicks out. Murphy is tagged in, and he kicks and punches Anderson into the corner. Murphy drives a shoulder into Anderson’s midsection, then goes into a three point stance and into another charge. Anderson moves and Murphy goes flying into the turnbuckle.

Anderson tags Jeff Hardy who jumps off Anderson’s back to try to go into Murphy in the corner, but Murphy catches him with a clothesline. Murphy tags in Gunner, but Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind, which yields him a two count. Morgan then distracts the referee while Anderson is running the ropes, and Murphy horsecollar tackles Anderson. Hardy jumps in to nail Murph while the ref is still distracted. Punches by Gunner, and at that point Matt Morgan leaves. Anderson is the legal man, and he tags Jeff Hardy, and then hits the Mic Check on Gunner. Hardy goes up to the top and hits the swanton bomb for the pin. Gotta admit, that was kinda blah.

They cut to backstage, where Hulk Hogan is chased down by Christy Hemme. She asks for a hint about Bischoff’s announcement, and all Hogan says is that it’s gonna be huge and the fans are gonna love it.

We go back out to the ring where Eric Bischoff is standing with my one and only true love, Miss Tessmacher. Eric says he’s getting right down to business. He says the end always comes down to the beginning and on August 12th (me and Chantal’s birthday!), we’re gonna see something we’ve never seen before. He says Dixie Carter inspired him with bringing in E.V. 2.0, and that it was the right thing to do. He also says that the re-hiring of Mick Foley was also the right thing to do. Bischoff says that if Dixie can give back to the dans, so can Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.

Bischoff says he talked to Spike TV, and says they’ll give them pay-per-view quality action on Impact. He says to give it up for Dixie, and goes to announce the main event, but just then Abyss’ music hits! Also, I notice that Miss Tessmacher looks like a prettier “Rachel” from Glee, only with boobs. Mmm.

Abyss is in the ring with a microphone, and he says he just got done speaking with Them. He says They want him to make the main event, that they have a blueprint for himself, a 15ft foot ladder, Rob Van Dam, and his girl “Janice”, the 2x4xNails. He says They’re gonna hang Janice 15ft and he and RVD are gonna hvae the most extreme match ever, and in the end he’s gonna grab Janice and rip the flesh off of RVD’s ass. When reached for comment, Van Dam’s burro replied, “Que?”

Abyss continues by saying They told him that Bischoff is the only one that can make it happen. He asks if Bischoff is going to make the match, or will he feel the wrath of Janice. Bischoff agrees, and Abyss says that Bischoff chose wisely. Who’d have thought Bischoff was a penitent man?

Abyss says that he and Bischoff are okay, but Janice didn’t forget when Bischoff bitch-slapped Abyss. Abyss says Janice asked if she could show Bischoff what a real bitch is. Just then RVD comes down with a chair and hits Abyss in the face with it. RVD nails a kick off the top rope, and then stomps Abyss in the corner. RVD then lands a flying kick-with-steel-chair to Abyss’ face. Abyss rolls to the outside, and RVD misses a dive onto him. While outside, Abyss yells at Dixie Carter. Dixie Cougar, er, Carter runs away, looks hot while doing so.

Abyss kicks RVD and agents come out with chairs to stop him. D’Lo, Pat Kenny, and Al Snow then usher RVD out. Just then, Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and he comes out for his match with Abyss. As they cross, Dreamer takes Janice from Al Snow.

We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening. I see yet another advertisement for Dinner For Schmucks, and I cringe. Love Rudd, Love Carrell, but not interested a’tall. I’d rather stick anchovies in my ears…or see it for free.

We’re back on Impact, and the match is underway. Dreamer is throwing garbage cans in the ring, and he takes the lid to one such can and hits Abyss with it. Abyss shakes it off, then crotches Dreamer on the steel railing. Scrambled eggs!

Abyss rolls Dreamer into the ring, and then sets up a chair in the corner. Dreamer recovers, nails abyss with trash can, but then Abyss counters and hits a sideslam on Dreamer onto a trash can. Abyss hits Dreamer with a cookie sheet, and then Tenay tells us that in match #4 of the Tag Team Title Series between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money, the bout will be an Ultimate X match.

Meanwhile, Dreamer lands some punches, but Abyss gets Dreamer in chokeslam position. Dreamer elbows out, nails a cross body, some punches, and hits Abyss with a metal platter. He clotheslines Abyss, but only receives a two count. Elbow by Abyss, who then tosses Dreamer into the chair he set up earlier. Abyss grabs another chair, plants it on Dreamer’s chest, but Tommy is up. Abyss climbs to the top rope with his back to Tommy, and Dreamer sends Abyss down into a Tree of Woe. Dreamer grabs a kendo stick and smacks it into Abyss’ junk. There will be no lovin’ in the Abyss household either, but let’s face it, unless Janice has a secret fold, the No Lovin’ thing was happening either way.

Dreamer sets up a trach can in Abyss’ face, and then dropkicks it into said face. Dreamer then goes to the outside to bring out a barbedwire board! Dreamer hits Abyss with a kendo stick and sets up the board. He tries lifting Abyss but has no luck. He tries a DDT on Abyss, but no luck. Abyss clotheslines Dreamer, then grabs Janice. Abyss misses the shot with Janice and Dreamer goes for a roll-up. Roll-up gets a two-count, and next Dreamer sets Janice up in the corner. He goes to whip Abyss in, but Abyss puts on the brakes and doesn’t hit his girl, even though if he did, she’d just love him more.

Dreamer attacks with a trash can,but Abyss punches it away. Abyss grabs Dreamer and chokeslams him onto the barbedwire board. Abyss makes the cover and gets the three count.

Post-Match, Abyss gets Janice, but Raven comes out with a chair. Raven teases hitting Abyss, but hits Dreamer instead. Raven licks Dreamer, and Impact goes off the air as I cringe. Ehh… I suppose the ECW fans were supposed to care about that, but I didn’t. Raven looks terrible. And old. And terribly old.

Call Reynolds, cuz it’s a wrap.

Good episode, and it’s interesting how, aside from the opening and closing of the show and a few references, there wasn’t really a lot of stuff “building” towards the Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand pay-per-view. I guess they’re not really doing storylines for it? Anyway, lots of forward progress for the TNA angles, even if having 3/4ths of the group losing tonite is a bit of a head-scratcher. I mean, without the “Fortune” umbrella, the losses make logical sense, but having them all lose? Not sure if that was smart. Either way, it’ll be fun to see how it plays out. Good show tonite.

This has been Suspension of Disbelief.

Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact recapper, and he caps the f**k outta those res.

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