-Okay, so I missed a week. I’m sorry. I was going to get all indignant about it, and make some comment about how you don’t own me or some such nonsense, but then I watch Glazer write a novella every week and feel like a lazy, lazy schlub. Besides, I actually like this show; back when I was recapping TNA, it took every ounce of my strength not to go totally Jocasta week after week.
-Does…does anyone get that?
-As for last week, I’m not all that sad to see Eli Cottonwood go. Sure, he was an okay enough big man, but that’s all he was: okay enough, and it’s not as if big men aren’t already held to a lower standard due to their sheer, well, bigness. The crowd oohs and aahs when Mark Henry does a body slam, for crying out loud.
-I’m a bit disappointed that Kaval wasn’t in first place, but I like Hennig/McGillicutty, so it’s not the end of the world. Without further ado, let’s get on to the show; after all, I hear there’s smoochin’ in this one!
-Michael Cole says that we’re on the heels of a “controversial” NXT from last week. What’s so controversial about a dude being a sore loser and hitting people? This is professional wrestling. Is he going to crap a brick every time someone gets a cake thrown in their face or a contract signing doesn’t go according to plan?
-Striker is in the ring, and the remaining six rookies are brought down to the ring. I know Husky Harris has been at the bottom during both polls, but I’d rather watch him than the utterly forgettable Lucky Cannon. Cannon has a decent look and little else, and has yet to show me anything terribly special other than the ability not to embarass himself in promos.
-Tonight, it’s a kissing contest. Hooray? In order to ensure that the rookies don’t have time to get all homophobic up in this piece, Striker calls down LayCool for the compeition, apparently much to their suprise. I have to admit that I laughed when, after a bit of confusion, they both sort of shrugged as if to say, “Eh, what the hell?” and began using each other’s title belts as mirrors to apply lip gloss. Again, I like these ladies just fine when they’re not calling beautiful women fat and ruining self-images of young girls around the world. I’m still hoping that Kaval hangs out with them after the competition is over and acts as their enforcer. Hell, they COULD be faces if booked the right way. Kaval holds the ropes open for them in a nice touch.
-Ah, LayCool is totally in on it, and are essentially hosting the segment. Michael McGillicutty seems oddly uncomfortable with this, or maybe he just thinks this whole thing is stupid. You know…like everyone else. Rules are simple: kiss the ladies for as long as you want, however you want. LayCool chooses softest, most passionate, and best kisser, and the winner gets “a fabulous package of prizes.” A bit weird, but alright. Personally, I prefer Layla over Michelle, but maybe that’s because I’m terrified that Undertaker, watching at home, will get jealous and have me working for Beyond Wrestling by next Tuesday. God, do I have to watch this? I’m going to kind of sort of breeze through this if you don’t mind. Husky is shy when confronted with LayCool…oh wait, they brought in a stunt kisser “Margerita”. Of course, she’s fat and has what appear to be disgusting mouth sores (which has GOT to be makeup). Michael McGillicutty pretends to be on the verge of throwing up. Classy stuff, WWE.
-Alright, let’s get through this. Husky dips her, smooches, and seems a bit disgusted with herself. Margerita isn’t impressed. McGillicutty is very gentle, spinning her and holding her close…and then licking her face. Dynamite. He starts looking for something in his teeth. Lucky Cannon brushes her hair back and actually gives her a few very nice kisses. Percy Watson is up, and he seems REALLY disturbed, and he’s almost crying as he goes for the smooch. Maybe she’s not his type. Get it? Get it? Ah, you get it. Kaval is up, and LayCool grooms him and asks her to be nice to him; after all, he is their little project. They’re hesitant to let him kiss her, as they like him…and Layla lays one on him. Apparently, it’s not enough. Man, I would LOVE to see that brought up down the line and build something between them. It’s a totally throwaway thing, I know, but I’d really dig it if there was some other motivation for Layla. Kaval looks so young that he might not have ever kissed a girl anyway, even if the guy is 30…but his isn’t too bad. He does start chewing down Tic Tacs in a nice touch. Alex Riley tries to leave, and he totally goes at it with aplomb, then faints. Well, power to him embracing the silliness of it all.
-The best kisser is…Lucky Cannon. However, they all win the prizes, which are a number of terrible fungus and mouth-based diseases. The highlight of that, of course, was hearing Layla pronounce halitosis as “halitocious.” Lucky Cannon, for his part, turns to the audience as if to say, “What was the point of any of that?” Alex Riley goes for another kiss, and you’ve got to give him credit for hamming it up when everyone else is just pretending that they’re dying after kissing a fat chick…with open mouth sores. Okay, I concede the point.
COMMERCIALS
Match One: Husky Harris vs. Kaval
-Didn’t Husky just beat him last week? Kaval isn’t really in any danger of losing next week, but I feel like the guy needs a win or two to build up some credibility. Wow, nice move: Kaval planchas over the top to the outside, only to get caught by Harris and powerslammed into the barricade. Oucharoo. Back in the ring, the story is that Kaval’s got the moves, but Husky is just a bit too big and strong. However, Kaval reverses a catapult into the corner, catching himself and coming back with a hard double stomp off the second rope. Of course, because this is NXT, the talented guy who was on television before coming to WWE is going to get hosed, and hosed he is, as he misses a cartwheel splash to the corner, and Husky Harris squashes him with a uranage and senton splash. Apparently, WWE wants this guy around longer, even at the expense of Kaval, who they figure is safe for another few weeks. You know, I can’t even remember the last match Kaval won. And I’ve seen EVERY EPISODE.
Winner: Husky Harris
-The Miz talks about Michael McGillicutty, and apparently doesn’t think too highly of him, in particular that he wants to come in and follow in “daddy’s footsteps.” “Daddy was good, you’re mediocre.” Well, Miz is pretty good now, but he wallowed in mediocrity for YEARS before figuring out exactly how to be entertaining beyond being annoying.
-McGillicutty is backstage with Liberty, er, Ashley Valence, and Kofi Kingston. McGillicutty says that Miz knows nothing about him, and so he’s going to challenge the Miz to a match. Hey, it’s Lucky Cannon along with Mark Henry, and Lucky wants the shot against the Miz. They argue about it for awhile before Miz, from his seat in the arena, starts running his mouth about how all the attention is about him. He suggests they wrestle each other, and that the winner MAY be decent enough to wrestle him. Kofi starts mocking Miz, calling him a coward, and says that if he’s a man, Miz will face the winner of that match tonight. They bark at each other for a bit, as Kofi makes his voice super high, saying, “Is Mike the Miz afwaid of the NXT wookies?” Miz yells back that he’s the one that beat Kofi for the IC title as well as for Money in the Bank, but he ultimately gets frustrated with Kofi and relents, saying, “You want to feed your rookies to me? I will eat them ALIVE!”
-It’s on, suckas.
COMMERCIALS
Match Two: Michael McGillicutty vs. Lucky Cannon
-This one is fairly academic. Back, forth, back, forth, dropkick to Cannon’s head, McGillicutter (not a bad name at all), pin. Thanks for coming, Lucky! I look forward to you inexplicably evading elimination yet again after watching you get beaten in less than two minutes.
Winner: Michael McGillicutty
COMMERCIALS
-Summerslam rundown.
-Pro talky time, where Striker asks the Pros which Pro they think is doing a good job. Kofi calls out LayCool for having Kaval, the closest thing he’s ever seen to a ninja, come out in a pink snuggie for the first half of the competition. LayCool, predictably, says Kofi, because they’re, y’know, petty. Mark Henry picks Zack Ryder, as his rookie was the first eliminated. To be fair, Ryder only had the guy for, what, three weeks? That’s barely time to do anything. Ryder just nods and mutters something along the lines of “Yeah, alright.” Cody says Kofi Kingston, as he’s going to take his IC title sooner rather than later. Zack Ryder is called next, but Miz comes out, interrupts him, and says that no one cares what Zack Ryder thinks. I kind of do, but I may be in the minority. According to Miz, ALL of the Pros are the worse, and he is, naturally, the best. John Morrison is bored by the whole thing, and asks him if he’s ever going to come up with something original. They start bickering like little kids, and it’s one of those little moments where they know that no one is watching and decide to just go on for thirty seconds. That, or these two dudes genuinely don’t like one another. Interesting moment where Miz yells, “Since we finished, you’ve done nothing, I’ve done everything, and I will lead my rookie to victory, because I’m the Miz…and I’m…AWESOME!.”
-I don’t know if John Morrison has done nothing, per se, but Miz certainly has come out as the stronger of the two, crazy as that is. Alex Riley comes out, and he’s in action next against Percy Watson. Riley really does have something special, and I’m sure he’ll find himself with a job, regardless of whether or not he wins the competition.
COMMERCIALS
Match Three: Alex Riley vs. Percy Watson
-Wow, Watson’s got a few nice moves, including a running enziguri that sends Riley out of the ring. Riley cheapshots him, however, and punches him back in, only to slow it down with some variation of a chinlock. It’s interesting watching these two, as Riley absolutely has the charisma, but he slows everything down when he’s running the match; meanwhile, Watson is far more entertaining to watch wrestling-wise, but seems to be a bit more of a one-trick pony personality-wise. Endgame comes after Watson’s 10-punch count-along is reversed to an inverted atomic drop. One TKO later, Riley’s got this one.
Winner: Alex Riley
-Next up: Michael McGillicutty vs. The Miz! Cole explodes in an eruption of Miz-fueled ecstasy!
COMMERCIALS
Match Four: Michael McGillicutty vs. The Miz
-McGillicutty holds his own, but Miz continually takes back control with clotheslines, running knees, dropkicks, and assorted other moves that shut down the rookie. Matthews, at one point, finally has enough of Cole’s crap, and tells him to stop giving biased commentary based on who he hangs out with after the show. It’s interesting to hear Cole talk about Miz’s rookie from Season One, never mentioning him by name. McGillicutty keeps coming at him, but can’t keep the momentum going. If nothing else, it certainly seems to show that McGillicutty can go with someone like The Miz who, admittedly, isn’t exactly Shawn Michaels, but the fact that he didn’t look out of place with one of the bigger stars speaks volumes for his longer term potential.
-That being said, he’s still out of his league here, and The Miz, literally without breaking a sweat, takes him out with a Skullcrushing Finale, and Cole is jumping around like the little dog that hung out with Mugsy in those old Warner Brothers cartoons.
Winner: The Miz
Closing Thoughts
-Hey, there was wrestling this week, and that’s always nice. I could have gone without the utterly pointless kissing segment, but if you go past that, the show wasn’t too bad. After all, with the exception of Kaval, all the right people went over. However, if Kaval loses a match next week, it’s going to feel like Danielson all over again, although Glazer pointed out awhile back that Kaval has been allowed to look better than Danielson ever did. Next week, I’m thinking Lucky Cannon or Husky Harris is toast. Based on tonight’s performance, I’m guessing the fed wants Cannon out; how many two minute matches does a guy have to lose to be considered on the short list of possible eliminations?
-That’s all for tonight, folks. See you in the funny papers.
