Monday Morning Critic – 8.9.2010 – Brett Favre and his Penis, The Expendables and The Devil Wears Prada


Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.

I had a bit this week prepped and ready to go about their needed to be better celebrations in sports, especially since the World Cup is long gone and soccer celebrations are the best, but something even better popped up. That bit will run next week, so mark your calendar. But something that ESPN has refused to cover, or even acknowledge, popped up all over the sports blogs: Brett Favre.

Or, in the spirit of accuracy I guess, his penis.

Missed it? Dead Spin broke early in the week amidst the whole retirement 8.0 angle (he’s retired, or acted like he could, so many times that 8.0 seems about right) that he engaged in the teenage phenomenon of “sexting” by sending Jenn Sterger of the Versus Network (and formerly of the New York Jets and Florida State, as well as Playboy and Maxim) pictures of Little Favre in an attempt at seducing her.

While I do think the whole retirement talk is a bit of a ruse, as someone in the Jets organization probably gave him a heads up when DeadSpin called to confirm some of the details, there has to be some truth to it because Favre’s attorneys didn’t send an immediate cease and desist letter. The retirement talk is damage control, pure and simple, and there’s no doubt (but no proof) that ESPN is sitting on the story because it doesn’t want to give credence to something that at this point is merely a rumor. But one thing kept bothering me.

It’s not that he would go for bust and have an affair on his wife; the lure of the other woman has broken many a man. And besides, Sterger is INSANELY hot. Like so hot that as soon as I clicked on the article I kept thinking J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS. Hell, she could have a shirt with Hitler’s image on it and I’d be cheering for the Nazis in Schindler’s List, so the fact that Favre would go for broke to tap that isn’t all that shocking. It was that it was Brett Favre of all people that surprised me when it came to the whole “sending a picture of his junk” that shocked me.

Listen to me now and believe me later.

Of all the celebrities and athletes to have either naked pictures or a sex tape released, Favre’s one of those guys you’d never think to be in either of those categories. In fact, between four separate discussions with various friends at least 40 people came up who would be much more likely to have sent a picture of their penis to someone before Brett Favre. There are plenty of nutty athletes currently plying their trade who would be much more likely then Brett to have sent dong pictures, enough that here are the ten most likely suspects. Call it:

The Top Ten Most Likely Celebrities/Athletes/Famous People More Likely to Send a Picture of Their Penis to Someone Than Brett Favre

In No Particular Order

10. Ron Artest, SF, Los Angeles Lakers – A bit too easy of a pick, I admit, but no one would be surprised if a sports blog posted a story entitled “Ron Artest’s little Laker” with a picture of Little Ron from a groupie.

9. David Beckham, MF, Los Angeles Galaxy – If Beckham hadn’t been a world class footballer, he’d have been famous for something else. Beckham reeks of someone who’d be like Brody Jenner and the gang, famous for being famous, if he wasn’t famous for being one of the best footballers in the world. And somewhere, somehow, no one would be shocked if someone had a picture of his weiner.

8. Al Gore, Environmental Activist / Accused Rapist – Now that he and Tipper are split, and Al’s exploits as a sex fiend are coming into the public view, it wouldn’t be completely out of the picture if half of PETA’s older, hot women had a cell phone pic of Little Al the kiddie’s pal.

7. Bret Michaels, Lead Singer of ‘80s iconic glam metal band Poison / Reality TV Star – This wouldn’t be all too surprising as Bret manages to get hot girls regardless of his level of fame. And it wouldn’t be shocking if one of ‘em had a picture of him.

6. Chad Ochocinco, WR, Cincinatti Bengals – The former Chad Johnson is a publicity whore and as such he probably send them out to everyone he knows just for the extra publicity. It’s probably to the point where T.O has seen his junk enough that he could pick it out of a lineup, like he sits around in the locker room and Marv Lewis has to be like “You know Ochocinco, I don’t mind you texting me about the game plan but I don’t need to see your penis for like the 400th time, you know?.”

5. Michael Bolton, crappy musician – Something about this guy always bugged me.

4. Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs, Music Mogul / Musician – Why do I think part of his reality show (“I want to work for Diddy” or something) has an unaired episode every year where those idiots who wants to be Diddy’s lackey has to take a picture of Lil Diddy and send it to everyone in his cell phone? And like everyone in his cell phone has to be like “oh, must be the penis picture episode of his show again” when they see Diddy’s picture message thing comes up on their phones. Like I could see Snoop Dogg, completely baked, be all like “Sniggity diggity, its Puffy’s pecker yo” at his Dogg Pound.

3. Levi Johnston, former fiancée of Sarah Palin’s daughter and poster child for the phrase “d-bag” – If his whole life was having a decent job and Bristol Palin in Alaska, occasionally stepping out to campaign for his mother in law, that’s not a bad life. I don’t think too many people would object to it, but this idiot decided that this temporary vault into the spotlight ought to become a more permanent one as he wanted to be a rich and famous celebrity and not some guy borking Sarah Palin’s elder daughter.

Hell, I’d settle just for the borking Bristol Palin bit.

Yet the former “Ricky Hollywood” wanted to be famous and be somebody, not the son in law of perhaps the first female President of the United States (unless Hillary pulls a praying mantis style slaying on Obama and the rest of the Cabinet, like out of Species but with saggy flesh), and failed more miserably than anyone has failed. When Kathy Griffin uses you as a punch line, odds are you’re pretty likely to have sent someone a picture of your genitalia.

2. Steven Seagal, Direct to video action star / Reality TV lawman – The guy had sex slaves and no one batted an eye. Odds are he’s done the deed. And normally he’d be the most likely suspect, and initially he was #1 without a doubt, but someone else came to mind.

1. George Clooney, Oscar winning actor – At first he might be like the least likely suspect, but Clooney is also one of Hollywood’s biggest pranksters. So it wouldn’t be shocking if he called up Brad Pitt to like show off a new movie poster and instead it was his junk. Like an insider phrase into Hollywood is to “Get Clooney’d.”

When you think about there’s at least these 10, and probably several dozen more, of celebrities/athletes/famous who probably would be more apt to take pictures of their genitalia, then send them to someone who isn’t famous but looking to get rich off of said picture, that come to mind before the future Hall of Famer and perennial retiree. But then again, thoughts like these kept me out of the good colleges.

Random Thoughts of the Week

One of the few films I’ve been genuinely excited about in 2010 was The Expendables and I make no bones about it. It’s a throwback to my (and many others) childhood and all of the great action films of yesteryear; before it became more about CGI and skinny weaklings saving the day, there was a time when action films were about tough, manly men who didn’t whine about their feelings or wear designer clothes. Needless to say a film about a group of tough guys on a mission to kill a whole bunch of evil pricks is exciting stuff. However one thing has been bothering me. This, specifically:

This kind of stuff bugs me …. And it’s not for the obvious reason. Look, I don’t mind that plenty of films aimed at women have arrived at the box office over the last couple years. I think it’s healthy that films aimed at women are there in the same manner that films aimed at children, families, et al, are out there. I think diversity at the box office is a wonderful thing; the language of cinema is universal and I think the more people at the movies, period the better. Everyone wins when films make money.

The theatre experience is one we all can share in. It’s a universal language and experience, which is why American cinema can be enjoyed all over the world and why foreign films are enjoyable in the U.S. and A. Cinema has a commonality all to its own. Besides, there’s better things to be pissed off at than potentially Eat, Pray, Love opening up higher than The Expendables. In fact I’ve decided to come up with a list. Call this one:

The Top Ten Things to be Pissed off at in Cinema Nowadays Instead of the Seemingly Overabundance of Chick Flicks

10. The Overuse of 3D

Avatar may have been a sucktacular flick, but it did one thing that no film (besides Cats and Dogs 2) has done: use 3D as an engrossing, powerful cinematic experience. I held a massive, five alarm bathroom experience during the former because it was such an amazing experience to watch and didn’t want to miss anything. It also made a crap load of money and thus every film, even if it wasn’t specifically shot or designed to be in 3D, is now “converted” into it so that films with potential mediocre box office returns can look much better because of the additional three dollars for a 3D viewing.

9. Action heroes with “feelings” and whatnot

When the biggest drawing “action star” of this year is Will Smith’s kid pissing on Pat Morita’s grave, there is something to be said about wanting a hero. Someone who only cries when evil Communists kill his wife, and only for a brief moment, because it’s time to pull out a small arsenal and take on an entire country to avenge her. It’s one of the things I miss about action heroes; you used to save the day because you were exceptional. Now you do it and cry all the way during it.

8. Franchising Instead of Making One Great Film

How many times do we have to watch a film that ends openly, so as to leave room open for a sequel? Part of what makes a franchise is that one great film is made and we want to see more of these characters as opposed to being the opening salvo in a saga. The summer blockbuster is now about setting up the next film, not making one great film, the clear majority of the time.

Inception was a shock not because it was an insanely brilliant concept executed equally insanely brilliantly but because it was a stand alone, brilliant film. It’s the one thing no film this summer has been able to pull off as effectively. It told its story and ended with everything wrapped up, no open ending and left us wanting more. If Christopher Nolan had an idea for a sequel it’d have to be a great one because there’s no more story tell, as opposed to a film like The A-Team (one of my favorite films of the year so far) which is set up in the end as being potentially available for one.

7. Luke Wilson isn’t a massive, massive star

He’s the best comic actor currently working and should’ve been nominated for at least one Oscar so far for either Henry Poole is here or The Family Stone. Hopefully Middle Men changes that, but the fact that lesser talented people are bigger stars than the darker haired Wilson brother is bothersome.

6. Saw gets a film every year but Jackass doesn’t

Saw stopped being a gripping horror franchise after its first film, turning into a franchise defined by the same old stuff just turned up in volume to the point where it’s just a pointless exercise. Jackass has been just as successful and yet we’re only on a third film. If pointless gore can have a regular, annual home then why not exercises in rampant stupidity by Johnny Knoxville and crew?

5. No gratuitous nudity

You know what they should bring back from the 1980s? Rampant female nudity as often as possible. It makes every film better; like if The Notebook had Rachel McAdams topless for no good reason, other than to show off her jugs, than you could’ve added a star to rating. Two, to be completely sexist, but producers refuse to show female breasts unless it comes with an R rating but every PG-13 sex comedy has plenty of bare naked male ass.

4. Back to back sequels

Green Lantern has been rumored to have a sequel already lined up, despite it not even being released yet, and the rumor is that two sequels are being shot back to back. No film franchise has ever pulled off back to back sequels with either of them being any good; Lord of the Rings and the Millennium trilogy were all shot back to back to back and have been spectacularly brilliant, but no one else has been able to maintain that sort of quality. Back to the Future, The Matrix and Pirates of the Carribean all did the back to back sequel bit and all were significant let downs.

3. Lindsay Lohan getting 200 plus chances to further screw up her career

There are plenty of talented, non-drug addled actresses in Hollywood who will do things like show up on time and not be a pain in the ass on set. It’s time to learn the lesson that talent doesn’t trump behavior; at one point she may have been the next Julia Roberts but now she’s merely emulating the career of Eric Roberts.

2. Badly named and/or advertised films

Fighting is a love story and coming of age film about a hustler turned street fighter. It’s advertised as a film about fighting when it only has like 30 seconds of fighting in it. If I wanted to see Channing Tatum get out-acted by Terrance Howard collecting a paycheck I’d have preferred the film to be called “30 seconds of fighting and Channing Tatum showing that for an actor he’s a great athlete.”

1. Justin Bieber gets his own film

What’s his grand story? About how hard it was to find the right YouTube clip? Hopefully he’ll become a coke addict and be arrested for starting a fight at a strip club so that he’ll be able to have the typical musical biopic about his, ahem, story.

A Movie A Week – The Challenge

This Week’s DVD – The Devil Wears Prada

Surprisingly there won’t be a list in regards to this film, which was a surprise hit opening in the wake of a Pirates of the Caribbean sequel in the same manner that Mamma Mia! carved out a nice box office return opening on the same weekend as The Dark Knight. How so? Because it’s a good little film that managed to grab people who didn’t want to sit with a bunch of teenagers paying more attention to one another than to the film.

Andy (Anne Hathaway) is a journalism major so desperate for a job in the field she takes one as the junior assistant to Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) alongside senior assistant Emily (Emily Blunt). We follow her in the year she spends as Miranda’s assistant, learning more than she ever wanted to about the fashion world and finding herself not quite as dismissive about the whole experience as she once was despite the prodding of her friends and boyfriend (Adrian Grenier).

Based off the book of the same name, the film is more character study than chick flick as we get to see Anne Hathaway show off acting chops that keep up with the greatest actress of the last 50 years. Streep may have gotten the hype, and an Oscar nomination out of it, but Hathaway doesn’t get the proper respect because the role is less showy. Streep gets the best lines and the more flashy character but it’s Hathaway that carries the film. Without her keeping the film on a stable vantage point, and being a likeable enough character to keep the film on an even keel, Prada would be one long parade of borderline unlikeable characters that have virtually no redeeming factors.

And that’s part of the film’s problems is that outside of Andy everyone else is unlikeable with virtually no redeeming characteristics and don’t get much better. It’s the one thing I didn’t like about the film is that all these characters Andy deals with at the magazine are supposed to be “wacky” and almost all are close to being despicable human beings to her for like the entire film.

She’s our fly on the wall in the world of the fashion magazine, which I’m presuming is meant to be based off of Vogue Magazine and Anna Wintour, the film takes a character study/coming of age clichéd story and gives it some life based on where it is situated. The unique vantage point, and the film’s fashion (which went into the seven figures by my own completely uneducated guesstimate), brings something new and refreshing into an otherwise boring film.

Mild recommendation.

What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club

The Expendables – You walk into the theatre. Awesomeness ensues.

YOU WILL SEE THIS

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – Based off the comic book of the same name, Michael Cera has to battle some weird ex-boyfriends of hot-ass Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

See It – Edgar Wright is on an unbelievable streak and the film is going to be insanely, mind-blowing awesome in its coolness or be ridiculously awful. There’s no in-between and that’ll make it interesting to say the least. And Winstead prances around in her underwear; that’s worth the price of admission alone.

Eat, Pray, Love – A whiny rich broad hates her spoiled rotten life and has to “find herself” by indulging on every bored housewife’s inner desire.

Skip It – Must be nice to have a ton of cash to be able to “find” yourself in the most pretentious, whiny manner possible.

Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.

Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings his trademarked irreverence and offensive hilarity to Twitter in 140 characters or less. Follow him @MMCritic_Kubryk.

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