Hello boys and girls. Kelly here, stepping in for Paul this week. The aftermath of Summerslam has rocked the wrestling community as stellar matches were gift-wrapped and exciting returns left our throats sore. How will the Nexus respond to their loss last night? What’s next for Daniel Bryan? Will Randy get another shot at the title? Well hold your horses, this is Monday Night RAW!
Kicking off the show in style, here comes the Nexus. If it was possible for them to look more aggressive, they accomplished it. Wade leads off the discussion, which I’m sure no one in Los Angeles is aware of, as his speech is muffled by boos. He’s got his serious face on as he cryptically talks about John Cena and the rest of the Raw-Boys. He promises us more destruction, but John interrupts with his frightening new purple shirt. Cena’s comedy routine (unfortunately) is rewarded with thunderous applause and he continues to bury the Nexus.
He picks apart the weaknesses of each member… boy, this could take a while. Heath Slater fights a smile as his picture is shown with the Wendy’s logo… classy. And makes a gay joke about Justin Gabriel. Sputters nonsense about Skip, and imitates Wade. Very good segment, overall. I’m being completely facetious, of course, but I’m sure the youngsters will rest easy.
Bing-bongs from the GM. We will get seven matches tonight consisting of a Nexus member against a Team WWE member. The good news is, we get to see Daniel Bryan in action again. The bad news is, if anyone in Nexus loses, they will be future-endeavored from the group. Another email… they get to choose who they face of Team WWE, but Wade must compete NOW against his former mentor, Chris Jericho. Hold on to your knickers, folks.
Jericho enters. I’m actually very excited for this match, Jericho is such a thrill to watch and it’ll be interesting to see him battle the man he taught everything to. Wade seems a little sore as he awkwardly takes bumps from Y2J. The Nexus has apparently done a remarkable job as a super-heel stable as the crowd cheers and roots for Jericho, the Master of Heat. A high drop kick from Jericho for the two-count, followed by a few punches and a running bulldog, to the Walls of Jericho, but Wade’s ridiculously long arm grabs the rope. Jericho goes for the Codebreaker, caught by Wade, Wasteland and ONE, TWO, THREE. It’s over, Wade keeps his job as leader for the Nexus.
I just realized something; who’s going to wrestle Bret Hart? Will he survive that?
Commercial, yet again.
And we’re back with the guest hosts: two guys I’ve never heard of and Justin Long. Ah, the return of guest hosts. It took shouting “The Staples Center!” for the crowd to get loud, and then a mention of the Lakers. What does that tell you about your guest host concept, Vince?
They introduce Natalya and her two valets, DH Smith and Tyson Kidd. More bing-bongs! The GM needs to simmer down. We’re told that the Tag Team titles are no longer called Unified, but the “WWE Tag Team Titles” and Bret Hart will be the one to present the new belt… which look pretty spiffy. I sense he’s about to get jumped… here comes the Nexus on the big screen, and J-Gabe is the chosen opponent for Bret. Oh snap.
If we didn’t already know what the theme from Summerslam was, we’re told again. Jet still makes music?
Michael Tarver enters. And he’s facing… Daniel Bryan. I was too busy screaming at the bar last night when he entered to hear his music at the timeâ€”it’s not bad! Suits the little guy. The crowd is chanting his name as he goes to work on Tarver… good lord it’s good to have him back. It’s difficult to tune Cole out on his Bryan-bashing, calling him “pudgey”. Um, Cole? Daniel Bryan can fit in my pocket. Miz and Reilly come out, distract Daniel, Tarver rolls him up for the three count. Daniel attacks Miz! I have dearly missed these two men brawling. I still can’t believe he’s back! Skull Crushing Finale on the briefcase, and the crowd simply won’t have it.
Bret and J-Gabe are next… oh, Bret’s gonna die…
We’re treated to a commercial for Cena’s new movie, “Legendary”. It doesn’t look like a bad movie… damn it.
Recap of what just transpired with Miz and Daniel… into an interview with Miz. Poor Josh Mathews. He assesses the comments about Daniel as the superior wrestler. Here’s hoping a feud ensues.
Cut to the Nexus deliberating… I knew it! Darren Young is facing John Cena. The Twins of Different Hues will battle it out, and the support from the rest of the group brought a tear to my eye.
Justin enters… is anyone tired of hearing their song yet? â€˜Cause I’m sure not. I love this song… but we’ll have to wait as we go to…
Come back to J-Gabe… and some bing-bongs. Thank god! Bret will not be wrestling tonight. The GM verbally tears Bret a new one… and his replacement will be… Randy Orton! This could get interesting. Since his entrance is longer than the second coming of Christ, I have time to grab a beer while he poses.
And here we go. J-Gabe doesn’t look terrible facing the Viper as he throws a series of kicks that would make Evan Bourne proud. Randy throws the best scoop-slam I’ve ever seen and goes for his patented DDT. But Sheamus appears… how many distractions are they going to hand the Nexus for victory? Randy and Sheamus fight in the crowd as the ref counts… nine… ten… counted out.
But Randy isn’t finished. He jumps in the ring to RKO J-Gabe. He busts out a chair, and attacks Sheamus once more, and decides to RKO him. You know, so he doesn’t get jealous that Justin got one, and he didn’t. It doesn’t get much better than this.
A replay of current events annnd…
More commercials. Where’s Donald Trump when you need him?
New merch and great discounts on wweshop.com… my debit card is about to take a tremendous hit…
Replay of Randy’s rampage.
And now a tag team match with Skip and Jennifer Hudon’s husband, against… let me guess, JoMo and R-Truth? And I’m correct. “I get it, I get it, I know what’s up”… Cole, stop saying cool things, you can’t pull it off. JoMo and Otunga starting things off. Truth tags in, Skip tags in. Skip cuts Truth off when he tries to jump over him, looking more impressive than I expected. Otunga gets embarrassed by Truth, Morrison tags in. There’s more tagging than moves right now. Skip is actually coming off fierce as he picks up the win for his team.
So that means we get Slater vs Edge, and Young vs Cena. Young is so dead tonight… can WWE employees collect unemployment?
Melina, Gail, and Eve backstage, walking towards the ring…
The Divas were the main event of Superstars last week, and now they’re featured on the Slam of the Week. Maybe there’s hope yet.
Melina enters… can she land her split? Yes she can. Phew! Next, Alicia, Fox, Maryse, and Jillian. And Jon Lovitz is in the crowd! I’m forced to remember his backstage segement with Maryse… it makes me chuckle. Gail and Maryse start it off. Gail is so ridiculously good at what she does… why can’t she be a contender for the title? Melina tags in, and Maryse spastically flails her hair and limbs before tagging Alicia in. Suddenly, there is so much estrogen flying around the ring as I forget who the legal women are, but Jillian picks up the win. At least it was quick and (mostly) painless.
Cut to Josh Mathews, interviewing Edge, where he’s confronted by Heath Slater and his boyish grin. School-ground insults are traded.
And more commercials.
Some dude from True Blood is in the crowd. Um, cool.
Heath waits in the ring as Edge enters. He backs the red-head into a corner and wails on him, Edge to the top rope, only to be taken down and the fight continues outside of the ring. Most members of the Nexus are holding their own in their matches tonight and Heath is no different. They’ve come a long way since NXT. Slater on the offense, but not for long as Edge counters. Some unruly fan screams “I hate you, Heath Slater! I hate you!” loud enough for it to translates to those of us at home. Ref is counting as both men collect themselves outside of the ring, but Heath rolls in last minute, leaving Edge to be counted out.
Victory is short-lived as Edge spears the youngster, although Heath sold it magnificently.
All that’s left is the big purple machine and his darker twin.
And we’re back with Justin Long and the Great Khali… talking about the Kiss Cam. That’s not back, is it? Justin is hilarious. His other co-hosts enter, and hilarity ensues. A segment that’s funny involving Khali? The world is ending…
A recap of the Lopez Tonight madness. I have to admit, Miz rocked “Jump Around” so much, I made it into a ringtone. Now to Axxess. LayCool is teaching youngsters to dance like them… I was dancer for a decade, I could put them to shame.
It’s been 24 hours… and I’m already sick of John’s new gear.
Gettin’ close to the end… commercial for now!
Recap of when Cena destroyed Darren Young. Darren used to look like an African fertility god; I’m so glad he’s toned it down. The living cartoon enters the ring… Darren doesn’t have a shot in hell.
The rest of the Nexus enters… standing around with their arms folded like Jerry Springer body guards. Darren goes for an immediate roll-up, to no avail. Attempts another pin, and fails. Cena does his usual bouncing and running before Darren retaliates. Darren seems to be doing well against Cena… so it should be only moment until he fails. The Nexus is still lingering at the ramp, Cena nearly counted out but makes it back in time. Cena starts flying around the ring which can mean only one thing… a five knuckle shuffle should follow. Oh, how I fear a simple punch to the face. STF and… Darren taps.
Nexus surrounds the ring, Cena exits through the one unmanned side of the ring. Then they surround Darren, and start beating him up. My heart breaks for the man… poor thing! Darwin would be proud, but I’m sure not. Seven becomes six.
What’s next for these boys?
Tags: againstus, john cena, nexus, Raw, WWE