Bachelor Pad – Episode 1-2 Review

Gia, Gia, Gia. You were my girl. You were the one I was rooting for. And then you had to go and fall for Wes? WES?! Of all the guys there she kinda-sorta falls for the one who looks like a ferret and sings crappy country music? No! I don’t know what Gia’s boyfriend looks like, but I bet you he’s a lot better looking than Wes.

I can’t completely turn my back on Gia, though, because even after her major screw-up this week there are still several guys and gals in the house who I hate way more. And always will. Like Elizabeth and Kovacs, the most dysfunctional “couple” on the face of the planet. After last episode’s rose ceremony, Elizabeth manipulated Kovacs into staying in a “relationship” with her by threatening to make him look bad to all the other girls. What a great way to get a guy to commit! Someone needs to tell Elizabeth that her boyfriend is faker than her hair, and about as unflattering. Meanwhile, Natalie was seriously falling for Jesse – their make-out session on the couch was getting a little steamy for 9:00p.m.!

The most interesting part of the show (if you can call it interesting…or a show…) was the struggle between the “inside” girls and the “outsiders”. The “insiders” or “cool kids” are the girls like Tenley, Elizabeth and Natalie who attend Bachelor(ette) reunions. Gia spent most of the episode rallying the outsiders, who included Craig, Weatherboy, Peyton and Gwen (and Pony Boy and Soda Pop?). Am I the only one who expected Gia to be one of the cool kids? She’s head cheerleader quality! Even if she doesn’t go to those gross reunions, I expected her to be accepted into the fold on the basis of good looks and charm. After all, this show is basically high school only drunker and stupider.

The challenge this week was a pie-eating contest. Before the girls’ contest had even started, one girl was whining “I hate pie!” What?! Who hates pie? ALL pie? Apple, blueberry and lemon meringue? There is not one kind of pie this girl enjoys? I can only assume she has an eating disorder and is the kind of girl who also says things like “I love carrot sticks”. Krisily had to sit out because she doesn’t have a gall bladder and can’t digest fat (What? Is that a thing?) although a few of the guys thought she should have toughed it out. The rest of the girls pulled up their hair, ripped off their shirts (cue gratuitous boob shots) and smashed their faces into their pies. The girls started throwing up their pie into buckets, which was not only gross but totally lame. On Survivor and The Amazing Race contestants would get eliminated for throwing up a slug, but these pansies are allowed to purge their pie? Gia and Tenley rocked the pie-eating contest with Gia coming out on top. One girl pointed out that Gia and Tenley were the two smallest girls in the house, which probably meant that anyone over 105 lbs. wasn’t going to eat for the rest of the week.

The guys’ competition was really pathetic. Craig prepared for the contest by carefully arranging his hair, which he then smashed into his pie in an attempt to soak some of it up. “My hair is a multi-purpose tool,” he explained. “It looks good, the ladies love it, and it soaks up some pie.” Well Craig, I just hope you enjoyed the taste of mousse in your pie. In a total upset, Weatherboy won the pie-eating contest. He actually is the smallest one. Well done, annoying one!

Craig knew he was on the chopping block after he lost the competition, but Gia came to the rescue with the perfect plan: She instructed Weatherboy to choose “outsider” girls to go on his date, and she’d give Craig the rose on her date. Brilliant! Weatherboy chose Gwen, Payton and Ashley to accompany him to a body-painting activity. They chose that just to get Weatherboy back in a Speedo, didn’t they? Not. Cool. Weatherboy’s mistake came when he fell for Gwen and gave her the rose instead of using it to secure Ashley’s loyalty. Plus, ew! Gwen is old enough to be his mom! I checked Wikipedia and it says that Gwen’s question marks stand for “39”. Weatherboy is 31, but looks 13. Gross.

The following day Gia and Weatherboy sat down to discuss his date. He thought he’d won over Ashley, but Gia said no. Gia said she had to give the rose to Craig, and Weatherboy said no. A heated debate ensued during which Gia spoke both like a sailor and The Godfather. To her credit, Gia was right. But the girl could never be on Survivor because she got too frustrated when Weatherboy didn’t realize that her plan was smarter. She also couldn’t be on Survivor because she completely screwed up her plan.

Gia took Craig, Wes and Jesse on her date. I loved her devious plan to pretend to draw a name out of a bowl, when really every name said Jesse B. Gia’ date should have been very uneventful considering that she has a boyfriend and already knew who was getting the rose. Things were going according to plan – Craig was obviously keen on working with her after she promised him the rose. Winning over Jesse was like taking candy from a baby. And then it all came crashing down when she spent time alone with Wes.

Where the hell did all that come from? How long has Wes known Gia? How is it possible that he declared his unrequited love for her and she believed him? Gia cried, declared that everyone had it wrong about him, and gave him the rose. GIA! What was she thinking?

The “cool kids” were relieved to see Wes return with a rose, but Gia still thought she could save Craig despite her utterly idiotic screw-up. The votes would be five against five, and as the challenge-winner she would get to break the tie, sending Kiptyn home instead of Craig. The girls were still scrambling to figure out who the guys would send home. Jessie tried to convince Dave that she was valuable because she could act as a double-agent, really working with the cool kids but pretending to be an outsider as well. She promised he could trust her and sealed it with a kiss…and then another kiss…and then by making out in the hot tub. Krisily overheard, though, and quickly ran around telling everyone what a two-faced snake Jessie is.

Meanwhile, Jesse decided he’s way more into Gia because she’s “girlfriend material” (her boyfriend thinks so too) and had to end things with Natalie before they went too far. What’s the best way to dump a girl who’s totally into you? Just tell her you’re not into sluts! He told Natalie he’d heard she’d “made the rounds” with the cool guys and that meant he couldn’t trust her. Ouch. It’s true, but ouch.

Going into the rose ceremony, four people were on the chopping block: Craig, Kiptyn, Jessie and Krisily. Gia was confident that her plan to save Craig would work, but it didn’t make up for the fact that she bailed on the much better plan to give him the rose. But before Nikki could vote, Kiptyn guilt-tripped her into switching sides. It was well-played. He told her he wouldn’t hold it against her if she voted him off and that he understood how hard it was for her to be stuck in the middle. It was well played – you could practically see her heart melt.

Nikki changing her vote meant that the girls sent home Craig (the outsider girls should have chosen someone that no one likes, like Kovacs) but despite Dave’s last-minute attempt to salvage Jessie’s reputation and get Krisily out, Jessie was sent home. It wasn’t a good night for Canadians. The best part of the whole rose ceremony was the pseudo-tiff between Elizabeth and Tenley. Chris Harrison – who has broken out his “fun” ties for Bachelor Pad – asked Elizabeth about her relationship with Kovacs. Elizabeth said it wasn’t any different than Tenley’s relationship with Kiptyn. Tenley said “Well, there might be physical differences” and then burst into tears after receiving one of Elizabeth’s infamous glares. Seriously, that girl should patent her dagger-eyes. Because I hated Ali and Vienna so much during Jake’s season of The Bachelor, I forgot how annoying Tenley can be.

I’m actually going to miss Craig on this show. Yes, I will miss the guy I once christened as “McDouchey”. The blow-dried hair. The rolled up pants and Miami Vice blazers. He suited Bachelor Pad. Oh well, at least there’s still a lot to make fun of when it comes to fashion on Bachelor Pad. I mean, did you see the hot pink tutu Natalie was wearing?

Personally, I can’t wait until next week, when Gia will compare Wes to “a modern-day Shakespeare” and Natalie will tell the camera she’d kiss every guy in the house for $20. Just when you think the show can’t sink any lower…

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