Bachelor Pad – Episode 1-3 Review

Well, Gia sure dodged a bullet there. The spunky beauty was eliminated on Bachelor Pad last night, along with her little buddy Weatherboy. And it was probably for the best – I think being locked up in a house with a bunch of imbeciles and psychopaths was taking a toll on Gia. She started to spend a lot of time crying and saying idiot things like “I didn’t think that everyone would turn into porn stars here” and “He’s like the modern day Shakespeare, but better and cuter”. WRONG. So wrong, Gia. First of all, she should have expected that everyone would turn into porn stars. If she didn’t, she must not have read her contract very closely. Second of all, the latter statement was made about WES, who is about as similar to Shakespeare as one of my eyebrows. More on that later.

And what had Gia in such a tizzy to begin with? Well, with her butt on the chopping block after she publicly admitted that she’d tried to get Kiptyn voted off and failed, she was less than pleased to find out that the challenge was a kissing contest.

Yes, you read correctly. A kissing contest. All the girls were paraded out with blindfolds off while each of the boys kissed each girl one at a time. Then the boys were blindfolded and the girls took the reigns. Whichever guy the ladies voted as the best kisser one a date, as did the lady who received the most votes from the dudes. The thought of this upset far too few people. Gia was upset because she has a boyfriend. Weatherboy told her not to feel pressured to kiss all the boys, but I guess he hadn’t had a chance to meet Natalie yet – as according to Natalie, Gia had no business being on the show if she was going to be a pansy about cheating on her boyfriend. Ashley was upset because she’s a high school teacher and didn’t want to lose the respect of her students. Because going on Bachelor Pad in the first place has set such a good example, she wouldn’t want to spoil that. Worrying about participating in a kissing contest when you’re already on Bachelor Pad is like worrying that your hair and make-up looks trashy when you’re posing as a Playboy centerfold. Surprisingly, Wes was the only guy who was grossed out at the thought of kissing the women after they’d already kissed all the other guys. I didn’t take him as the germaphobe type.

The kissing contest was seriously disgusting. Dave looked like he was trying to jam an entire ice cream cone into his face each time he kissed a woman. Elizabeth kissed all the boys like the was eating a piece of cheesecake – lots of “mmm”s. Gia pecked everyone on the lips and then realized she could never win like that, so she dropped out in favor of laying in bed sobbing. Natalie was probably the most R-rated kisser, which was unsurprising. The girl kicked off the competition by saying “I would make out with everyone in this house for like, 20 bucks.” In the end, Dave and his mauling kisses took the prize, along with a surprising win from Peyton and her “soft” and “gentle” kisses. Awesome stereotypes, guys. Girls like a man who kisses like he’s about to punch you in the face. Guys like a girl who kisses like a doormat. Freakin’ fantastic. I hope one of them had a cold so the rest of the show consists of a bunch of snotty-nosed people with cold sores trying to muster up enough energy to change out of sweats and hand out a rose they can’t even smell.

Dave decided to take Nikki, Krisily and Natalie on his date to Vegas. Krisily was excited to make her move since she’d loved kissing Dave during the challenge, but she got seriously upstaged by Natalie. I’m pretty sure that if I met Natalie in real life, I’d hate her. And shower a lot after shaking her hand. Natalie pranced around topless while Dave drooled and Krisily and Nikki made polite small talk and as soon as the time came, Dave presented Natalie with the rose. “Maybe we should have gone topless,” sighed Nikki as she and Krisily drove back to the airport. Dave and Natalie concluded their date by foregoing their individual rooms and staying in the “fantasy suite”.

Peyton decided to take Kovacs, Kiptyn and Jesse on her date to a race-car track. Tenley was feeling super insecure about the idea of her “boyfriend” going on a date with another woman. So she decided to surprise him by prancing into his bunk to cuddle, because Tenley thinks that she is 12 and is attending a super-fun camp. Kiptyn blew her off and she went to cry on Natalie’s shoulder. If only she’d known what that shoulder had been doing the night before…

Peyton’s date was awkward, at best. Kiptyn tried to convince her that he’s not in a relationship with Tenley. He even later admitted to the camera that he’d lied to Peyton and told her that he’s not interested in dating Tenley at all, when really he’s open to that idea. Kovacs tried to convince Peyton that he’s not a robot built and controlled by Elizabeth, but he failed. I mean, come on. It’s the only logical explanation for why he talks to Elizabeth at all. Jesse told Peyton that Natalie is not the kind of girl he’s looking for, but I can’t help but think that Jesse might actually be even sluttier than Natalie. Going to the fantasy suite with Peyton was pretty much all he could talk about, and his wish was granted. That relationship progressed even faster than the race cars.

Meanwhile, Wes was seducing Gia. The worst part? It actually worked. The guy never lets up, though! He whispered sweet nothings into Gia’s ear and serenaded her with his wheezy, whiny voice until she uttered the comparison that broke my heart – that he’s a modern day Shakespeare. No, Gia! You were my favorite! You have the best hair, clothes and accessories – all the things that make me root for a girl! Why did you have to fall for Wes???

Elimination day came, and the guys seemed divided between voting for two ladies – either Gia or Elizabeth. Wes tried to convince everyone that unless they ousted Elizabeth, Kovacs would be the next to go. I think he would have been more successful with “Unless we get rid of Elizabeth now, there’s a good chance she’ll one day replace all our shampoo with Nair” or “Wouldn’t you rather look at Gia’s glowing skin and thick, shiny hair than see Elizabeth’s sun-damaged complexion and bleached straw-like mop for another three days?”

Though some of the ladies tried to oust Kovacs (which they should tried last week, instead of choosing likable Kiptyn) it was ultimately Weatherboy’s demise. I think it was his awful kissing that did him in. As for the ladies, it came down to a tie between Gia and Elizabeth – and although Dave tried to pretend as though he’d been put into a difficult position as tiebreaker, it was obvious that he’d choose to save Elizabeth. So Gia, her gorgeous hairband, and her little sidekick Weatherboy were sent home. Gia sobbed the whole way home because she never had a chance to tell Wes her true feelings toward him. Man, whatever ego boost Gia’s boyfriend might have gotten from seeing her cry over having to peck a couple guys on the lips must have come crumbling down when he saw her sob even more over having to say goodbye to Wes.

Did you see Bachelor Pad? Do you think Wes will be booted out next? Will he go straight to New York to try and seduce Gia? Will Weatherboy EVER be able to get a girlfriend now that he has a reputation for being a bad kisser? And will Elizabeth try and kill Kovacs in his sleep so that she can have him stuffed and hide him in her attic? And, follow the author’s blog and Twitter account!