For Your Consideration…The Raw Judicial Review for Episode 900 w/ Randy Orton, Undertaker and John Cena as the Beaver

For Your Consideration…The Raw Judicial Review for Episode 900 w/ Randy Orton, Undertaker and John Cena as the Beaver

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure naval-gazing armchair-quarterbacking sports entertainment dissecting column on the newly redesigned and still nearly impossible to navigate InsidePulse. I am your humble cruise director Andrew Wheeler, and do I have something special for you this week. But before I get to the heart of the column, let me get my pimping out of the way. You can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, follow me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post in increasingly confusing comments section down below.

A Mild-stone Event

Tonight’s RAW marks the 900th episode of the WWE’s flagship show, an achievement that would be thrilling if it wasn’t for the fact that the monument now seems pedestrian. Yes, Monday Night RAW is now a trivia question answer, but was it ever in doubt?

Vince McMahon has essentially created a television show that is too big to fail. That doesn’t mean that it can’t fail, but if it should ever go down, it would pull the entire wrestling industry with it. RAW will celebrate 900 shows tonight, and before you know it, they’ll be celebrating 1,000. The WWE is unsinkable at the moment, so any “celebration” of their success is as manufactured as their in-ring product.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting down on Vince and Company, because we all know that more often than not I’m the guy defending them, but aside from 900 being a nice looking number, does it matter? RAW will continue to air for as long as Vince wants to put it on television. For all we know, he could wake up tomorrow morning and decide that RAW is stale and repetitive and instead air a two-hour show featuring marionettes (or, for the stupid people out there, puppets). Vince beat Ted Turner, his only real competition, and since then has had only himself to contend with. Based on his actions, Vince has been a truly tenacious adversary for himself, but despite McMahon’s best efforts, he can’t seem to beat himself (and no, that wasn’t a masturbation joke).

Since beating his only actual competition, Vince has tried and failed in spectacular fashion with a football league, a restaurant, a record label and a feature film company (though to be fair, his movies have generally made back their money). Vince has attempted to push a midget as his heir, give away his own money, be blown up by a limo, be smashed under the weight of his set, shave his head and get jumped by rookies. And the saddest part is that it hasn’t done a whole lot of good.

Wrestling is pretty much in the same place that it was when we celebrated the 800th episode of RAW. Some people are doing better and some people are doing worse, but there haven’t been any game changers. Sure, TNA tried to generate some buzz in the past 100 shows by signing Hulk Hogan and coming to Mondays, but it flamed out so fast and so spectacularly that they barely register as competition in Vince’s mind. The cold hard reality is that the wrestling show we get on episode 900 will look very similar to the wrestling show we will get with episode 1,000. And why not? It’s a moderately successful formula that draws in a respectable share of the audience.

When Paul Heyman was courted by TNA, he said that he can’t really justify going against Vince because Vince has 90-95% of the market. And he’s absolutely right. The only people who know about TNA are people who are (or were) WWE fans. Nobody outside of that world knows about TNA. Ask your average American about wrestling and they’ll throw something WWE-related back in your face. Vince’s formula has been so successful for so long that it’s almost unfathomable to think that 13 years ago he was circling the drain.

People love to slam the WWE by saying that it just isn’t as good as it used to be, that the numbers are soft and that the audience demands more. Quite frankly, I don’t see the urgency. If everyone who reads this website and all of the related wrestling websites just abandons the company entirely, is it going to really matter in the long run to Vince? Probably not.

When I went to high school, wrestling was at it’s apex of popularity. Guys like Steve Austin, The Rock and the n.W.o. were the talk of the cafeteria, and it wouldn’t be uncommon to see a wrestling t-shirt in the halls. Now, with my ten year high school reunion looming early next year, I would be shocked (nay, dumbfounded) if 5% of those wrestling fans still have any contact with the show. And yet Vince hasn’t suffered too badly in their absence.

Wrestling fans should be tapped for fuel because it is a constantly renewable resource. We can bemoan the end of the sport as we know it, but it will never actually happen. Vince going TV-PG was a fairly brilliant idea because kids are his true audience, since they’re more likely to buy a John Cena t-shirt and less likely to download a PPV for free.

Episode 900 tonight will stand as yet another milestone for a company that truly has the sky as its limit, because their ratings, their PPV buys and their merchandise revenues are enough to sustain them from now until infinity (or to paraphrase Troy McLure, “until the show becomes unprofitable.).

Just for fun, I thought I would take a look back at the 800th episode of RAW, and see…

What a Difference 100 Shows Makes

The show opened with Randy Orton demanding that Mike Adamle be fired. Adamle, for those of you with blissfully selective memory, was the former host of American Gladiators and one of the worst on-camera personalities in WWE history. He was so bad that he made Michael Cole look…and mind you this is by default…passable.

Opening Match: The Hardy Boys v. MVP and The Brian Kendrick. The Hardys went over because the show was a “celebration” event, and having a super duper special reunion of Crystal Meth and Krystal Burgers means that they have to win. 100 episodes later and Jeff Hardy is clinging to freedom in TNA while Matt is clinging to his job by the skin of his teeth that are housed in his ever-rounding cheeks. MVP wasn’t doing a hell of a lot then as a heel, and now as a face he isn’t doing a hell of a lot. With the exception of his current program with Swagger, Porter’s been MIA from anything substantial for quite a while. Kendrick was future endeavored, which is a shame because his Pillman-lite meets HBK & Diesel-lite gimmick could have made him a star.

Intercontinental Title #1 Contender Match: Shad, JTG, Manu, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Jamie Noble, William Regal and Snitsky. Regal actually went over here, which may be the last time he actually won a match on a program not called “Superstars”. Shad is now back in FCW after his heel push shoved him into a black hole (a hole only smaller than the gaping chasm that is his lack of charisma). JTG has recently changed his name to JTTSG, as he’s pretty much going to job his way to the next talent cut. Manu wasn’t so lucky as his Legacy stint ended in uneventful fashion, and he was promptly cut. Cody went from future main event star without any direction to legitimate upper midcard heel with a heat magnet gimmick that might finally get him over on his own accord. Teddy, meanwhile, abandoned any pretences that he could get over as his own man and tried to be the next Million Dollar Man, but he’s completely lost in the shuffle. Noble was “retired” by Sheamus, which was a nice way for him to give the rising star a major rub (though it’s pretty forgotten by now). And lastly there was Snitsky, who currently has a Twitter account, which is the 21st Century equivalent to a homeless sign.

Next is more Orton wackiness, as Adamle and Shane McMahon both come to the ring. See, just like now, the WWE had no clue how to handle the power structure on RAW. Basically with Vince out of commission, the WWE decided to not appoint a GM and instead go with a stunt. Sound familiar? Anyway, Adamle quits as GM and Shane books Randy against CM Punk. Flash forward 100 episodes and Adamle is in the “Where are they now?” bin, Shane’s in a new company, and Randy Orton is the #2 babyface on the brand.

Vladamir Kozlov v. Charlie Haas (dressed as Bret Hart). Vlad destroys Haas to continue his push that would ultimately lead him to be a lower card tag team joke. Haas is now in ROH with Shelton Benjamin, where the two of them might actually save that company…until TNA signs them and they get used to put over Ink Inc. The only positive thing here is that now when we hear Bret Hart’s music, we get Bret Hart. Unfortunately, whenever we hear Bret Hart’s music, we now get Bret Hart.

Miz and Morrison v. DX. DX gets the win here, as the hottest act in the company gets fed to the aging giant. 100 shows later and Shawn is retired (maybe sorta actually for real), Hunter’s at home waiting for his millionth return (guess in addition to beating Flair’s title record he wants to beat Undertaker’s triumphant return one as well), Morrison is currently channeling the brunette Rocker (minus to coke habit, mainly due to the fact that cocaine is expensive and we’re in a recession) and The Miz is poised to be a future world champion. Long story short, things went well for three of these guys, while John Morrison will spend the rest of his career teaming with R-Truth and having sex with Melina. Poor, poor John.

In the back, JBL offers his services as the next GM. In hindsight, this would have been a brilliant idea. JBL showed that he has the chops as an announcer, so why wouldn’t the WWE take a chance on him as the General Manager?

16 Diva Tag Match: Beth Phoenix, Lena Yada, Layla, Maryse, Jillian, Victoria, Natalya Neidhart and Katie Lea vs. Mickie, Candice, Michelle McCool, Eve Torres, Brie Bella, Tiffany and Kelly Kelly. Long story short: Beth’s injured but a face, Lena Yada is future endeavored, Layla is half of one of the hottest angles in women’s wrestling history, Maryse is being slowly dragged to hell by Teddy, Jillian is inexplicably still around despite being talented in the ring, Victoria wears a motorcycle helmet in TNA to hide her shame, Natalya Neidhart and her boys the Hart Dynasty are tag champions despite never being on television, Katie Lea was fired for refusing to renounce her allegiance to King George, Mickie James is off making terrible music, Candice Michelle is spending her days at conventions convincing people that she isn’t Dawn Marie, Michelle McCool married The Undertaker and nearly killed him, Eve won the Diva’s title for some reason, Brie Bella has fucked most of the Guest GMs, Tiffany had an impressive victory over Drew McIntyre and is in line for a US Title Shot and Kelly Kelly is still hot.

CM Punk v. Randy Orton. Punk wins via disqualification because Teddy ran in to attack Punk, continuing the long, drawn out dissolution of Legacy that ultimately did nobody any good. Punk was tag champion with Kofi Kingston at this point and had no direction. Now he is the leader of the sausage party known as the SES, and was finally allowed to unleash his inner heel.

JBL v. Undertaker. This was during that whole Shawn/JBL nonsense that most people have probably forgotten about. Taker wins this because Michaels won’t compromise his morals. I wonder if he would have know that Undertaker would end his career if he would have still not helped Bradshaw. JBL’s back would give out finally and he wound up retiring, spending his time now playing golf, hocking crappy energy drinks and making offensive and racist comments to passers-by.

Kane and Mark Henry v. Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston. Kane and Henry won, and just thinking about this match makes my head hurt. Kane’s now the world champion, Henry now dresses like Kool-Aid Man, Rey is putting over other Mexicans and Kofi is still in the midcard waiting to break out.

World Title Match: Jericho v. Batista. Jericho wins this one and wins the title in a steel cage. 100 shows later and Batista went from hottest heel in the industry to future MMA joke. Jericho is waiting out a contract renewal by watching people on a treadmill answer questions. Yep.

So now, with the 900th RAW about to start, it’s pretty clear that not a ton has really changed. RAW 100 shows ago had Shawn Michaels and JBL but no Edge and John Cena. It was an era without a true GM and an amorphous main event, a land where the young upstarts of Legacy tried to band together to take down the establishment but ultimately failed, much like the young upstarts of Nexus tried to band together to take down the establishment but ultimately failed.

Call it damning the WWE with faint praise, call it a backhanded compliment or just call it yet another person lamenting the way that the industry has gone, but I can live with the fact that this is what wrestling has become, because it means that we’ll get RAW past episode 900, 1,000 and beyond. At the very least, you’ll still have “For Your Consideration” to make it tolerable.

The Judicial Review…Monday Night RAW Episode 900 8/30/10

“The Champ is here.”

We open with a montage of RAW openings, which turns out to be the same promo we’ve seen a million times (though it added a Mr. Belvedere graphic). We get shots of The Rock, Steve Austin, Mike Tyson, the Jericho debut and the time Jim Ross tried to convince us that MSG was excited to see Triple H in layers of denim.

In honor of 900 episodes, we get…the same shitty Nickelback open. Would it have killed them to bring back “RAW is War is gonna cum in your eye”? Oh well, at least we’ve got pyro, ballyhoo and a bunch of Boston fans who had plenty of free time to make some signs.

Tonight there is a 5-on-5 match between what’s left of Nexus and the RAW Main Eventers.

RAW opens with Bret “The Hitman” Hart. Is it too much to hope that in honor of this being RAW that he’ll fight Hakushi or a pirate? Cole reminds us that this is the longest running gimmick in television history.

Bret says that 17 years ago, a new show debuted called “Monday Night RAW”. Even back then, Bret was concerned that it would catch on. Really? Because it’s not like there was already a weekly wrestling show that aired. Bret says that RAW has the most shows in the history of prime time television. Take that, “Jake and the Fatman”.

Bret was there on the first show. The only guy who was still around with him during show numero uno was The Undertaker. This of course brings out…Kane. Kane has a major grudge with Bret Hart, since Bret was the one who ruined his dental practice, drove him crazy and forced him to don a mask. Or at least that’s my understanding of the Kane storyline.

Kane says that there is no Undertaker anymore. Did he go back to Mean Mark? Kane says that since he left Taker a vegetable, he’s a phenom no more. He’s not phenomenal. He’s not AJ Styles. He’s not even Kaz. He’s just a man. Kane says that Bret once knew Taker. He’s like Bret; weak, feeble, scraggly, over-the-hill, damaged, fucked a blonde diva…

Apparently the last time Taker was truly The Undertaker was when he beat Shawn Michaels. You know, all those months ago. Kane says that Bret must have gotten a stiffy seeing Taker demolish Shawn once and for all. Bret says that he’s going to savor seeing Kane job to Taker again.

Kane wanted to break out of his brother’s shadow and prove that he’s the Devil’s favorite. Kane says that Undertaker took out an icon with Shawn Michaels, so Kane has to take out an icon of his own. Uh oh, look out Adam Bomb. Oh, he meant Bret Hart. Kane goozles Bret but gets jumped by the Hart Dynasty for about four seconds before he flattens the tag champions. The arena goes black and when the lights come on, come on in. It’s a Pep Boy! Oh wait, it’s just Undertaker. Kane bails because he doesn’t wanna catch whatever STD McCool gave him that clearly left him in his current dilapidated state.

The GMail goes off and we learn that in honor of tonight’s 900th show, we will see a historic main event: Bret Hart v. Undertaker. Anyone else flashing back to the era when this match would be brought to you by Oxy acne medication and Skittles?

We now flash back to the first episode of RAW, complete with IcoPro logo and the awesome original RAW entrance theme. Even from episode one, Vince was lying to the fans as he tries to sell Shawn Michaels v. Max Moon as an amazing match. Talk about setting a precedent.

Commercial.

Did you know that RAW aired more than a bunch of reality shows combined? It also beat out The Chevy Chase Show by about 890 episodes.

We flash back to Steve Austin in a zamboni as he beats on Vince McMahon. This was also the debut of the iconic inflatable Austin punching bag that was chucked into the ring.

Speaking of being in the ring, I see Kofi Kingston, Michael McGullicutty and what looks like Kaval and Daniel Bryan. Hell hath frozen over.

Kofi Kingston & Michael McGuillicutty v. Kaval & Daniel Bryan v. The Miz and Alex Riley

Cole calls Kaval and Bryan the Internet dream team, and he’s pretty close. I can’t let it go by without pointing out that The Miz’s new nametag t-shirt is awesome.

Riley jumps Bryan but eats a dropkick from Kofi Kingston, who apparently based on his attire joined Harlem Heat. Bryan kicks Kofi and then slaps The Miz in the face before laying into Riley. Kofi rolls up Bryan for two before getting slammed by Riley. Kofi takes Riley down before hitting Boom Boom Boom for two. Bryan breaks up the pinfall attempt and he and Kingston slap bellies in midair. Seriously, that happens way more than feasible.

Kaval and Less Than Perfect are in now and Kaval tries to choke him out. Riley breaks it up buteats a hard dropkick in the corner. Perfect gets laid out by Kaval, who goes for Warrior’s Way. Once he hits it he gets nailed by the SCF and its over. Well, it was spirited while it lasted and it was nice to see Team ROH, but it was way too short. Miz celebrates up the ramp but then jumps Bryan from behind with the suitcase. Miz points to the downed Bryan and Kaval and compares Internet with WWE. It was like some odd SAT problem.

Commercial.

LayCool v. Melina & Eve Torres

McCool and Melina start it out and Michelle takes her down with a belly-to-belly suplex. Layla is in now and she shoves Melina around for a bit. Melina shoves Layla into Michelle and rolls her up for the pin. Tough night for Eve, just stand there and look prettier than Melina.

Michelle and Layla have the mics and say that this victory is like her, forgettable. Well, she’s got her there. They then mock Melina for always crying. LayCool challenges Melina to a unification match, which makes sense since the Diva division might be circling the drain on Smackdown with Beth still out, Tiffany suspended and Serena fired. This brings out a bunch of Divas to show that they’re there.

We flash all the way back to June of this year to relive the Nexus beatdown.

Speaking of which, Nexus are in the back. Tarver says that without Skip and Young, Nexus is weak. They all bicker about being weak, but Wade Barrett says that tonight they are going to face five of the biggest stars in the WWE and then Barrett is going to win the title. I can’t believe they didn’t let someone get heat for taking responsibility to taking out Sheffield.

Commercial.

Our next flashback is Bob Barker hosting RAW last year and ripping on Chris Jericho.

Jericho coincidentally is backstage with Mini-Orton. Chris says that he’s the best in the world and tonight he’s going to remind us that he is that good. Jericho promises that if he doesn’t win the title, he’ll leave forever. Oh fuck, he isn’t going to re-sign. Matthews points out that Jericho has been kicked off dozens of times already, but Chris says that tonight he’s going to prove that he is the best in the world at what he does.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole hype the tag match tonight.

John Slo-Mo-Rrison & Resurrection Truth v. ….

John and Truth come out but run right into a…

Commercial.

John Sl-Mo-Rrison & Resurrection Truth v. Dashing Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre

Wait, lemme get this straight, with all of the teams in the WWE, we get a #1 contender’s match with two makeshift teams. Sure, Team Wacky Buddy Cops have wrestled before as a tag team, but why not let them face an established team? The Dudebusters and The Gatecrashers are two interesting and fresh tag teams, but rather than let them get a shot, we get another makeshift duo of upper midcarders who have nothing better to do.

Cody and Truth start it off as Truth hits one move and breakdances. It then turns into an all-out brawl and the ref calls for the bell. Truth hits Cody on the outside with a suicide dive as Drew and Morrison brawl near the announce table. Does someone smell a triple-threat tag match at the PPV? I’m either smelling that or burnt toast. So we’ve either got a tag match for the PPV or I’m having a stroke.

Commercial.

We’re back with another flashback, this time the moment where Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels actually hugged in the ring.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart v. The Undertaker

Bret comes to the ring in a solid black t-shirt and a WWE copyright logo. The last time we saw this match, RAW was followed by “Silk Stalkings”. So we’ve got Bret rocking the Billy Kidman look and The Undertaker is dressed like an even gayer AJ Styles. Wow, he truly is phenomenal.

As the two of them are about to lock up, Wade Barrett comes out. Wade says that this match isn’t going to happen. An advertised match that gets pulled? What is this, the 900th episode of Nitro?

Wade says that no one cares about old wrestlers, but rather the future. Barrett says he’s going to delouse Bret Hart and prove that Undertaker is a dead man. Wade goes for Taker but gets wailed on and eats a boot. Taker then clotheslines him out of the ring. Well, that sure made Barrett look intimidating.

The gong goes off and the arena goes black and when the lights come on, it’s Kane. Kane and Trade blows and we get another gong and when the lights come back, Kane has vanished. And from the way things sound, apparently so did the audience’s interest.

The rest of Nexus comes out now and they circle The Undertaker. Is no one concerned that Bret Hart disappeared? I know Kane has powers,, but I didn’t know Canadians did as well.

Taker beats down Nexus and goes to chokeslam Wade but the power goes out due to those damn roving blackouts, and when the lights come back on, Wade has Undertaker up for his lame finisher. Kane is now standing on the entrance ramp as Nexus positions Taker to take a 450 Splash. Justin lands on him and thankfully doesn’t break his face like Mysterio did.

Commercial.

We’re back with The Opportunisticly Weasly Showstopping All-American American Kurt Swangle. Swangle says that we should all hail the returning hero. When he left RAW, he was an All-American American American, and now he returns a former World Champion. Swangle says that unlike Damon, he has no problem bringing some swangle back to RAW.

Kurt Swangle v. Evan Bourne

Evan Bourne starts out getting manhandled by Swangle but he comes back with Token Offense before Alberto Del Rio arrives in his Bentley. His own personal ring announcer introduces him as the match goes on. Cole calls Del Rio royalty, which might be overstating Mil Mascaras just a bit. On a side note, why the hell is he wearing a tallis? In the ring, Bourne is going for AirBourne but Swangle moves out of the way and chop-blocks him. He then locks in the Swangle Lock and Evan taps.

Alberto Del Rio cuts a promo saying that we all know who he is. He takes credit for Rey not showing up tonight because he put Mysterio in the hospital. Damn immigrants taking up space in our American hospitals! Alberto Del Rio says that the RAW audience didn’t see what he did to Mysterio, so he’s going to recreate that magic moment right now with Evan Bourne. You know, I’m pretty sure people watch both RAW and Smackdown, so this seems unnecessary. Del Rio beats down Bourne but this gets very slowly broken up by Mark Henry.

We get a video package highlighting the WWE in China before going to…

Commercial.

We’re back with “This is Your Life: Rock” highlights, complete with that guy in the mask who used to wrestle in the WWE. Since this was the highest rated segment in wrestling history, I have no problem seeing it again.

Here comes the Straight Edge Sausage Party, as it looks like Joey Mercury broke his arm. So if John Morrison was the Jannetty of his team, does that make Joey Mercury Al Snow?

Punk says that he’s better than The Rock. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke and he doesn’t make crap like “The Tooth Fairy”. Punk asks if people miss The Rock. He doesn’t miss The Rock because The Rock epitomizes the septic-tank-esque show that is RAW. For 900 shows, RAW has been promoting poor family values. He says that if you don’t believe him, he’s got two words for you…Katie Vick. Punk says that it’ll drive you to drink, which is fine because then he’ll save you. Brilliant. Punk shows us the 4 most atrocious moments in RAW history:

First up is Triple H vandalizing Randy Orton’s fake house.

Next is John Cena throwing Edge into the Long Island Sound. Punk promises to never throw a competitor into a body of water.

The third clip is DX invading WCW, which is still a pretty ballsy move almost 12 years later.

The final clip is the Steve Austin Beer Bath. That shot of Vince swimming still makes me chuckle.

Punk says that he can’t find the words to explain why anyone would want to see Austin spray Punk with a fire hose. You know, aside from the vaguely gay symbolism. This leads to the glass breaking and sure enough Punk punks the punks in the crowd. What a versatile term. Punk shows one final clip from Smackdown of Brock and Big Show breaking the ring with the superplex. Punk says that he has no clue who the other guy was, but Big Show is morbidly obese.

Big Show, who is wearing the World’s Largest Vest, comes out to celebrate the 900th episode of RAW. Show says that he lost weight…and found it. Big Show says that they should have shown him getting sick from Eddie Guerrero’s burrito or the time he was in the sumo match or the time he kissed Vickie Guerrero. Show decides to do an SES impersonation mixed with Hulk Hogan.

Punk says that he’s not funny and no one likes him. Show says that that was mean. Show says he isn’t high, he’s just tall. Big show then lays out the SES.

Commercial.

We get another flashback, this time when Triple H came back…again.

We’re live and here comes Sheamus. “Lemme stup ya rite dare. Wut un uhvent. Nine hundred episodesarawh and everyone’s here tuh selluhbrate. Everyone accept Chiple Ache. Heze nevur cummin back.” Sheamus thinks that this is why he has to compete in a 6-man match. He calls them all Plastic Paddys, which I guess is an insult. Sheamus is upset that he has to team with four of his paper view opponents, including Orton who tried to end he’s career. Sheamus says that this is discrimination and no one has been treated this poorly as champion.

This brings out Edge. Edge says that since he debuted on episode 265 of RAW, he’s been thrown into the river, had his wedding interrupted, been attacked by an ex-employee and beaten with chairs. Edge has given as good as he took and he’s won 29 championships in the WWE. He won the Royal Rumble, the King of the Ring and Money in the Bank. Edge then drops some obscure Muppets references before walking to the ring.

Commercial.

Randy Orton, Sheamus, John Cena, Chris Jericho and Edge v. Wade Barrett and the Nexus Midcard All-Stars

We’re back with entrances and a…

Commercial.

We’re back for reals this time and it’s Jericho and Tarver starting out. Chris gets a Y2J chant before bailing. He walks out on the match and gets counted out. Edge is in now with Tarver but Edge shoves down the referee and gets disqualified. Oh those wacky Canadians and their well-laid plans.

Cena and Tarver get in the ring and John starts out with the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Cena tags in Sheamus as the whitest and blackest men in the ring go at it as my HD television melts. Slater comes in and it’s a Ginger War! Sheamus suplexes Heath for two. Sheamus wails on Slater before Heath tags in David Otunga. Otunga poses for a moment but eats a clothesline. Sheamus takes him down with an axe-handle and deliver some Orton-esque stomps. He charges Otunga, who moves out of the way and tags back in Slater.

Heath tags in Justin Gabriel who delivers some punches before tagging in the freshly neutered Wade Barrett. Wade gets his licks in before tagging in Slater. Yeah, the phrase “gets his licks in” does sound creepy. Slater goes for a backslide but Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge but eats a flying forearm.

Sheamus tries to take out Nexus but gets kicked in the face and dropped by Heath Slater for the pin. Um, did Heath Slater just pin the WWE Champion?

Cena is in now, and here comes a second helping of the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Cena connects with the FU for the pin. Barrett comes in and jumps John before tossing him to the outside where he gets jumped. Wade whips him back into the ring and tags in Justin Gabriel. Justin prances for a bit before going for the pin but only gets two. Gabriel connects with a body splash and immediately goes to try and pin Cena down for two. He then tags in Otunga, who goes for a suplex. Cena blocks it and suplexes him. He goes for the hot tag, but David stops it. Cena locks in the STFU and Otunga taps out.

Gabriel comes out of nowhere with the 450 Splash and he pins John Cena. Randy Orton comes in and RKOs Gabriel for the pin. Homophobe. Randy then RKOs Tarver for another pin. Racist. Wade Barrett then grabs Orton and hits his mediocre finisher for the pin.

And that’ll do it. 900 episodes down…

This has been for your consideration.