-I don’t know about you, Internet wrestling world, but I am PUMPED for tonight’s episode of NXT. No matter who wins, we can feel good about the outcome, as Alex Riley, Kaval, and Michael McGillicutty are all great performers in their own rights. Admittedly, I’m pulling for Kaval, but Riley is probably the office favorite. If nothing else, Michael McGillicutty could be a fine ally of Ted Dibiase if they ever pull the trigger on that whole “Fortunate Sons” stable idea that was kicking around awhile back.
-Oh, some quick Raw thoughts: the show feels so PG that I hardly feel like there’s anything for me anymore. Nothing has the depth that I want it to have, and while I WANT to believe that the Nexus angle has a payoff I’ll be happy with, my belief in it is fading. After all, this is the company that gave us Undertaker/Kane for the 9,000th time and expects us to think that THIS time is different. It’s not just the material that’s PG, it’s the storytelling, as it just feels like things have been nice and simplified, as children are the audience now, and I’m a relic. Oh, and a second thought: I think Nexus NEEDS one or two additional guys as reinforcements. When they were down to six, they could deal with it, but now it just looks like Wade Barrett surrounded by a bunch of little dudes. Sucks to be Skip Sheffield, yes, but five members just isn’t working for me.
-Let’s start the show! I can’t wait to see all of the new rookies for next season, not to mention their sure-to-be-deplorable names!
-Show starts with a recap of the competition thus far, which is great for my purposes, as I can skip it all! There’s also a quick recap, with some commentary, of the final three. Again, I’m pretty good with just about any of these guys winning (read: go Kaval).
-Josh Matthews and Michael Cole (w/smarm) are our hosts tonight, and we’re thrown (not literally) to Ashley Valence in the ring, who announces the Pros, who, tonight, are MVP, Zack Ryder, John Morrison, Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, and Miz. Oh, it appears everyone is here tonight.
-Miz introduces Alex Riley, who is, naturally, pumped. LayCool come out, looking lovely, and bring Kaval out. It’ll be a shame to see their run on this show end, thus keeping them on Smackdown where they’re just evil bitches as opposed to the goofy faces they’ve been allowed to be on this show. Kofi Kingston is out next, and introduces Mike McGillicutty as “the master of the McGillicutty,” although I like to think we all know what he meant. Matt Striker is in the ring now as well, and introduces all of the eliminated rookies who are in the front row. Titus O’Neil barks. Right, THAT’S one of the myriad of reasons why he was the first one gone.
-The three rookies tonight will face each other in a triple threat match which, despite the pinache Matt Striker tries to put on it, is just about the most predictable thing that they could have done with this. I’m not complaining, but it’s not like a triple threat match is the most shocking thing that they could have done. That’s coming up next, but before we can get to that, Kaval pushes Miz down, and McGillicutty attacks Riley, sending him out of the ring. Kofi clotheslines Miz outside, and we’ve got the jerks on the outside and the heroes on the inside.
-However, before we go to commercial, the announcers have a surprise for the next season of NXT. Oh god…it’s ALL DIVAS. All of them. ALL. So now I’m recapping the Diva Search for the next 8-10 weeks? Just what I need to do: watch a bunch of barely trained models attempt to wrestle while being put in incredibly tame bathing suit competitions. Okay, they’re introducing the first girl, and I’m going to try to be positive about this whole thing, but I make no promises.
Mentor: Kelly Kelly
Rookie: Naomi
-First of all, the thought of Kelly Kelly mentoring anyone is ludicrous in its own right, but I suppose I said the same thing about Zack Ryder. Naomi (who refers to herself as Naomi Night) is an athletic black woman with purple bangs, and, to display her athleticism, does a high kick and an aerial. My wife: “I liked her bangs. I thought they were cute. She could be interesting. She does all these flippy things in the ring!”
COMMERCIALS
Match One: Kaval vs. Alex Riley vs. Michael McGillicutty
-I’m going with Riley, because I believe he’s the one WWE wants to win, so why not push for it. All three of them lock up, and when the separate, Riley charges a McGillicutty/Kaval lockup, only to get back bodydropped by the two of them. Nice mule kick in the corner by Kaval, as is his flying kick to McGillicutty. McGillicutty actually looks pretty good in there, moving really well around the ring.
-Hey, did anyone else notice that Cody Rhodes has a mirror on the back of his jacket? That is AWESOME!
-Cole proceeds to rip on Kaval, since the Internet (as a HIVE MIND) likes him so much, and makes sure to mention that he teamed up with “that other Internet brat, Daniel Bryan” last night on Raw. Cole doesn’t see “it” in Kaval because, naturally, he’s not booked to. My words, not his. Riley throws both guys out of the ring, and is reigning tall as we go to commercial.
COMMERCIALS
-EXHILARATING CHINLOCKERY IN THE RING BY RILEY! Sorry, got carried away. Riley kicks McGillicutty and clotheslines Kaval out of the ring. Cole: “Look at that coaching job by The Miz! Yeah!” Big high five between Miz and Cole, with a halfhearted one between Miz and Matthews. Kaval comes back with some great springboard kicks, including an awesome cartwheel roundhouse kick to Riley while Riley is on the top rope. “This is Awesome” chant by the crowd. Clothesline by McGillicutty leads to a pinfall attempt, but no dice. Tiltawhirl backbreaker attempt gets reversed into a Dragon Sleeper by Kaval, which is apparently now called “The Bite of the Dragon.” I’ll take it. McGillicutty gets to the ropes, and Kaval tries to hit a springboard body splash, but misses and hits his head on the turnbuckle. Perfectplex by McGillicutty (!), but his leg is pulled out from under him by Riley at the two-count. Well, this is fun. McGillicutty kicks Riley into the announcer’s desk, then runs into a rolling heel kick from Kaval. Kaval sets up for the Warrior’s Way but, as any of us could see coming, Riley jumps up on the apron and pushes him off the top and onto the barricade. Ouch. Riley covers McGillicutty and gets the pin. Oh, fudgesicles.
Winner: Alex Riley
-Great, more of this “Miz is the greatest coach in the history of the Universe” nonsense. As my wife points out, it’s a shady way to win, but it’s legit. Matthews says that the Pros know that Kaval did all of the work, but Cole says it doesn’t matter, as Riley stole the victory.
Mentor: Alicia Fox
Rookie: Maxine
-Maxine comes off as a model and manager first, and a wrestler second. Both my wife and I were also immediately taken aback when we saw her, as her black curly hair and her weird pouty lips kind of scared us for a bit, as if we were being attacked by some wild Italian chicken. My wife: “At least the first girl looked like she could DO something. They just showed some pretty pictures of her. The first girl at least did a flippy! This girl was just like, ‘I can strike a pose.’ Big whoop.”
-Also, why do none of these women have last names? Are only men allowed last names? Unless they’re Sheamus or Kaval? My wife: “They’re all a bunch of cocktail waitresses. With no last names.” Apparently, she stole that from a movie. Any ideas what it might be? She knows, but do YOU?
COMMERCIALS
-And we’re back…
Mentor: Goldust
Rookie: Aksana
-She’s Lithuanian, and blonde, and my wife says, “She’s a mail order bride gone rogue.” I’m getting a really, REALLY bad feeling about all of these ladies, as my worst fears are being realized that this really is just a bunch of models with little more training than Kelly Kelly ever got. Do we really need 6-8 Kelly Kellys trying to put a match together for three months?
-Matt Striker questions the eliminated rookies, asking each who should win. Titus O’Neil picks Alex Riley, as does Eli Cottonwood. Lucky Cannon says that it doesn’t matter, as they flushed the show down the toilet the second they eliminated him. Percy Watson and Husky Harris both pick Michael McGillicutty, leaving Kaval out in the cold. Geez, the guy isn’t THAT bad on the mic. Whatever. Let’s see what happens, as the Pro’s Poll is going to reveal the first guy eliminated.
-And the elimination sandwich goes to…ALEX RILEY. Holy crap. Miz is, naturally, furious. Kofi and LayCool clap VERY loudly around The Miz because, you know, they hate him. Riley is given the mic, and delivers what is really an excellent, excellent promo, talking about how he wasn’t born into the business, and how he chose to go to college instead of wrestling in bars to build an Internet following. He stands there with those two because people believe that he’s the best kid for the job, and I’m hard-pressed to agree with him. Hey, Kaval can outwrestle just about anyone, but NO ONE is as good on the mic as Riley is in terms of this competition. He says that he’d still bet on himself to be the next breakout star, and I’m absolutely positive that we’ll see him again real soon. Heels are at a disadvantage in a competition where the audience gets to vote on who wins.
Mentors: Bella Twins
Rookie: Jamie
-Oh, it’s Jamie Keyes. My wife: “She is BUFF. And boy, are those tits not real.” Agreed on both counts. Even ignoring her chest, you’ve got to admit that Keyes is JACKED.
COMMERCIALS
-Michael Cole is still ticked that Riley was eliminated.
-And now it’s time for a recap of the WWE’s trip to China. Looked neat.
Mentor: Primo
Rookie: A.J.
-Primo, huh? Wow, they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Anyway, A.J. seems fine, I guess. She’s representing “all the nerds out there.” Regardless, she’s from Union City, NJ, so she gets my vote, as I’m from Jersey myself. Represent.
-Striker is in the ring with Kaval and McGillicutty, and each will get some time to tell the other why they should win, and why the other should lose. Here we go.
-McGillicutty starts, and asks LayCool if they submitted their adopted ninja baby into the competition. He says that he doesn’t know whether to spank him or breast-feed him. Umm…weird. He proceeds to ramble about Kaval’s outfit, the meaning of his name, and how it’s taken thirteen years for Kaval to get here, and it does NOT sound good. When his time runs out, Cole says, “Thank god,” and honestly, I have to agree. Of course, I’m not expecting Kaval’s to be all that much better, but I’m not sure how it can be worse. Kaval’s turn, and the cheers in the arena already signal whose side they’re on. He admits that McGillicutty was trained by Harley Race and was made “perfectly” to be here, which McGillicutty agrees with. He says he’s just a guy from a working class family, with a high school diploma and a deep voice. He’s just a kid from New York (which brings cheers, and to which Miz yells “Give me a break!” at the top of the ramp), but mentions that in those thirteen years, he learned how to hang with legends, namedropping Eddy Guerrero as a former opponent. After Kaval calls himself “the next breakout star” at the buzzer, Cole shocks me by saying, “That was actually…very good.” Did Cole just face turn on me? You think you know a guy, and he just turns it around on you. Did M. Night Shyamalan write this episode?
COMMERCIALS
-Oh no…
Mentor: Vickie Guerrero
Rookie: Aloisa
-Holy pants, she’s 6’9″! That being said, it’s not like she’s some gorgeous leggy model. Don’t get me wrong, for 6’9″, she’s Halle Berry, but she is SCARY Amazon tall, like Nicole Bass tall. The problem is going to come if she wins: is she the new Beth Phoenix, or is the Great Khali of female wrestlers? My wife: “I wonder how she buys pants.” The Universe, she has her secrets…
-No more waiting. The winner is…KAVAL! Hells to the yeah! McGillicutty, obviously, is pissed, but he was definitely outclassed in both wrestling and, shockingly, on the mic. LayCool runs down to the ring and celebrates with their man. Striker gives McGillicutty the mic, asking for his thoughts. McGillicutty is silent a long time, maybe collecting his words, maybe just in shock. “Him? HIM?!” The crowd cheers its approval. “You are going to go to a pay-per-view and have a title shot? That is gonna suck. You are nowhere near the level of Michael McGillicutty, you understand me? Ever since I started NXT, I’ve had one goal, and that’s to become a WWE world heavyweight champion.” Cole: “Well that’s been put on hold.” Geez, Cole…cold. “And um, unfortunately, I got eliminated today. And I lost my guaranteed shot at a title. But that is not gonna stop me from becoming a future World Heavyweight Champion. See, I am the future of this company. I am gonna be a big time player in this machine called WWE. I am the next big thing. I am the next generation. And starting this moment, from now…from this moment on, this will be the moment, starting now, of the genesis of McGillicutty.” Cole: “Can we hear from the winner now, please?” Striker says, “Let’s hear it for Michael McGillicutty!” and the crowd hammers him with boos. That’s what happens when you have a sentence as crazy rambling as the last one, buddy. By the way, that whole speech was translated verbatim, so it sounds just as wackadoo as it reads. You know that your interview skills are bad when Cole is waiting to hear the dulcet tones of Kaval drown you out.
-Kaval is pumped, and takes the mic from Striker. “I really don’t know what to say, but thank you, thank you, the WWE.” Before he can get another word out, the eliminated rookies from Season Two jump out of the crowd and start pounding on Kaval. MVP, Morrison, and Kofi run in to help, and, with the help of some refs, throw most of them out, but then McGillicutty and Riley run out to start beating on Kaval and the Pros. Oh, but now Riley is hitting Percy Watson. What is going on? Harris, meanwhile, is making Kaval his bitch with a uranage. Lucky Cannon picks up Kaval and hits him with a fireman’s carry slam. This is followed by a rydien bomb from Titus O’Neil, which is easily the coolest thing he ever did throughout this whole season. Okay, so now they’re all united in hating Kaval, even though Riley didn’t know who to hit at first. The show ends with Kaval laid out in the ring, and the other rookies are…well, I have no idea what any of them are doing. I was wondering if a bunch of them were gonna slip on NXT armbands, but I apparently it’s just going to end that way. Man, what a giant messy schmoz of stupid that was. Seriously, everyone seemed good and lost for most of the post-victory beatdown.
-Final recap of the entire season, and we’re out.
Final Thoughts
-Huzzah, Kaval won! But now, on to the more pressing issue…Season Three.
-I’m going to try to go into the show next week with a positive attitude, but I have a very, very bad feeling that it’s going to be nearly unwatchable in the ring. WWE isn’t known these days for caring how talented their Divas are as wrestlers, so I have a feeling it’s just going to be a bunch of models trying their darndest to appear like wrestlers, and they’ll just sign the pretty ones. Aloisa, I imagine, will be someone’s enforcer for awhile, then get fired for being a pain backstage, or something else stupid.
-PLEASE, let them be more talented than the Bella Twins. Still, the fact that the most experienced female wrestler here is KELLY KELLY speaks volumes about what we can expect here. Thank God for Goldust, though, right?
-Still, with their being only six Divas, at least this will be short, right? Of course, now that I think about it…how long before this show is cancelled?
