Right off the bat, we get a full-on recap of all the Kane/Rey/Undertaker shenanigans. You know, in case we forgot. This recap looks like it was done by the guy who did the previews for Avatar. Does a lot to get you somewhat hyped up for the continuation of this storyline…you know, sort of. Evidently, Kane has a major announcement for us tonight. Twenty bucks says it’s a title match for NoC. Gasp!
Straight from there to the announcing of Alberto del Rio, and there’s quite a fancy set-up in the ring, equipped with red carpet and even a piñata. How many more stereotypes can we shove in? He reminds us of what went down with Rey Mysterio last week, even though they recapped it three times that night. The piñata (which is sporting Rey’s mask) is knocked down as he toasts some champagne…where’s CM Punk when you need him?
Christian’s music queues up and he’s got his angry face on. Makes a JBL joke, then an Enrique Iglesias joke. Alberto retorts by calling him…an American…something. Christian goes back to his serious face by calling Alberto by the ever-PG title of “jackassâ€, before challenging Alberto to a match. After a staring contest, del Rio turns and leaves. Drew McIntyre charges from behind and Alberto dumps the champagne on Christian.
Commercial.
We’re shown what transpired during the commercial break. Apparently his match with Drew is about to begin, if Christian is willing, and he is! Drew barely waits for the bell to ring before working on Christian. As Christian is lying on the floor, Drew goes to the top rope, but a stellar counter by Christian. Momentum builds for Captain Charisma before Drew reverses with a backbreaker for a two count. The fight continues on the announce table, and neither man looks very good. Attempted Killswitch, countered, Christian rolls Drew up for the three count.
Grade: C+
I thought that since Drew McIntyre was the opponent in this match that it would go on a bit longer. I’m thrilled with Christian’s victory and Drew’s performance, but it was too short and rushed.
Commercial!
We return to Kelly Kelly’s music…awesome.
Before we start, in case you missed it, a replay of Michelle McCool and Layla challenging Melina to a Unification match. It’s about time, too. But a lumberjill match? I think this will be a smoke break for me.
Here we go. Kelly’s already botching kicks to Michelle as Layla’s shrill voice erupts over the commentary. A couple small maneuvers before Kelly’s faith gets broken, and it’s over.
Grade: D
I love Michelle in the ring, but Kelly brought it down. Not to mention this match was extremely short, and the camera was on Layla for half of that time.
Commercial.
Yet another recap of their time in China.
And cut to…Hornswoggle getting hooked up to a machine. This is getting out of control. This is worse than Jillian’s singing.
Wow, and already another commercial.
Return to Vickie Guerrero introducing Dolph Ziggler, before leading into a recap of last week’s match against Kofi. And he’s going against Chris Masters! Chris was fabulous last week against Drew McIntyre on Superstars so I’m excited for his return to Friday nights!
Bell rings, and off we go. Already Dolph is flopping around before finally landing some offense. Chris nearly locks in the Masterlock before a quick counter, and then a Zig-Zag.
Grade: D-
Did they carve out as much time as possible for Kane’s promo tonight? Why are all the matches so rushed? This had the possibility to be great, but again, it was severely short. Doesn’t reflect well on your champion…
Big Show is seen walking backstage before…
The fifth commercial break in 52 minutes.
As promised, Show’s music starts up and he waltzes out wearing…a do-rag. Like, really. Recap of one of the only entertaining parts of the 900th episode of Raw—Punk’s promo—and then it’s CM Punk’s turn to enter. If this match exceeds two minutes, it gets some extra credit grading.
Punk starts things off with a few kicks, which Show easily counters, causing Punk to tag in Luke. Some grappling between the two giants and Show looks fairly agile! Joey and Luke try to strategize outside of the ring before Show goes all Spock on Joey. Punk distracts Show so that Luke can take advantage. Show starts gaining momentum after a few kicks from Punk. Both roll out of the ring, as Show lunges at Punk, but instead crashes into the steel steps.
Commercial!
We come back to Luke working on Show, covers for a two-count. Submission hold locked in before Show counters. A few offensive maneuvers from the big(ger) man, he uses Gallows to knock Punk down, Show locks in a submission, and Luke taps.
Grade: B
Punk looked great, Luke impressed, hell, even Big Show looked good. This match had many different elements, and even though Big Show won, it was a pretty entertaining match.
Oh, but it’s not over. Punk fumes before laying down the GTS on Gallows. The dissention of this group may be interesting, but I really don’t want to see a CM Punk vs Luke Gallows at a PPV any time soon.
Commercial!
Come back to Swagger’s music, with all of his memorabilia set up and his “father†sporting Jack’s new shirt and a nifty neckbrace. Why must the WWE emphasize Jack’s biggest weakness?
Let’s hope this is swift and quick. A push-up showcase ensues as Daddy counts (incorrectly), and MVP interrupts. Montel makes a mockery of a United States veteran and recycles Big Show’s original concept of destroying the trophies. Swagger chases MVP with his father, and ridiculousness ensues.
Note to the WWE: This MVP/Swagger stuff…yeah, it’s not working. Kill it while you still can.
Commercial.
Matt Hardy hobbles out, and “Dashing†Cody Rhodes follows. Uh oh, there’s a microphone in his hands. Fat jokes pour out from his mouth…and Matt looks strangely perplexed by this. I’m not the president of the Matt Hardy fan club, but damn, Cody!
Bell rings, Matt immediately charges. Couple bumps before a bulldog, and Cody rolls out before…
A commercial.
Come back, Side Effect for a two-count. Hardy starts working on the legs, locking in a submission that actually looks quite painful, but Cody grabs the rope. Cody regains control as he attacks Hardy’s injury…Crossroads, and the match is over.
Grade: C-
I’m usually okay with a Cody victory, but I think Matt should have won this. He looked weak during Cody’s promo, strong at the beginning of the match, and weak yet again for the finish.
Commercial.
Kane’s music starts up, but it’s a taped promo on the Titantron. As we all assumed, Kane and Undertaker will face each other at Night of Champions. Some more of his delightful speech before some cackling, and the druids come out with a casket. Special effects rock the television audience, and Kane emerges from the casket.
Kane remarks that he wishes he could see the look on Taker’s face, jabbers on about Summerslam, and Raw. Kane is outdoing himself tonight.
Chimes, lights dim, Undertaker’s video package starts up, fog rolls out, and out comes the Phenom. He enters the ring, but the lights dim again. Once they return, Kane is gone. Taker looks to the closed casket, opens it, but no Kane in sight! Laughter echoes throughout the arena and he’s back on the Titantron. He promises victory as fire erupts from the ringposts, and the credits roll.
Final Grade: D+
Punk’s match was decent enough, and the finish of the program was sufficient, but the rest of the show was dreadful. Matches were cut short, commercial breaks dominated the show, and there was way too much Hornswoggle. Not the best edition of Smackdown, but hopefully this is a fluke and the Blue Crew will go back to normal next week.
