Monday Morning Critic 9.13.2010 – Thoughts on America’s Next Top Model, shuddering in defense of Uwe Boll and Once Upon a Time in the West

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Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.

One of the perks of working out after 5pm on a regular basis is that sometimes you can watch television while exercising that you normally wouldn’t. Most times it’s pre-game stuff for whatever’s on ESPN but this past week I arrived late after an Optometrist appointment and discovered one of the most awesome things ever to grace television: America’s Next Top Model.

Mind you this is without sound for the entire time; there are a handful of televisions mounted on the ceiling and I’m without a walkman to tune into the radio station necessary (the club I lift at is remarkably old school like that). But I’m on the elliptical machine and, with nothing else to do, I focus on this show because something stood out that was so awesome of an “Epic Fail: Life Edition” that I couldn’t help myself.

It was like watching a massive car wreck as it’s happening, with people exiting the vehicle and getting hit while on fire. The thing that was most surprising it wasn’t the tall girl who weighed like 100 pounds and had like 70 of it in her chest. That was most excellent, I admit, and while I do enjoy a skinny girl who’s rather enhanced in the bosom it was something that was more comical: crazy short-haired girl.

Out of all the women on the show who wanted the quick way to become a world famous model, there was this one girl who kept ranting on and on about consumerism and materialism … as she was trying to get into the house to win a modeling contest devoted to high fashion. It had to be the single funniest thing I’ve ever heard, especially considering how badly she seemingly wanted to win it. It’s the equivalent of someone on The Bachelor complaining about how the whole process is shallow and scripted during an episode. But you know what made it best: she was eliminated early on and lost her marbles.

It was made even better when during the first big elimination bit she was cut from the herd (as they narrowed the field by half) and started balling, uncontrollably. The prize is a huge one for the industry, I get that, and not even getting into the house after what’s probably a tough process has to suck. But to rail on and on about “consumerism” this and “materialism” that while trying TO WIN A CONTEST DEVOTED TO THE VERY THINGS YOU RAIL ON is amusing, but crying afterwards because she lost out makes it so deliciously ironic that I couldn’t help but laugh loudly. But then again, thoughts like thee kept me out of the good colleges.

Random Thoughts of the Week

You know what I found myself doing this week? Comparing Uwe Boll and Roman Polanski with a friend of mine and winding up having to defend Boll. It started out simple enough. My buddy Nick made a reference to a bad Boll film after having watched The Ghost Writer and having disliked it as much as I did. As we discussed it, something odd came out. And it wasn’t the fact that I summed up his career as “Rosemary’s Baby, Chinatown, some general rapery and then a bunch of bad films ‘til he got his Holocaust Oscar” either. It’s that with the exception of two films and one Oscar they’ve got equally crappy resumes.

Listen to me now and believe me later.

I’ve never considered myself to be a fan of any of Boll’s films, having almost demanded a refund for both Postal and the Dungeon Siege film, but I think you can tell the true mettle of a film-maker by the things they say when they give interviews. And the one thing that’s understood is that Boll knows film better than every single one of his critics. To hear the man speak about the art of film and the nature of cinema is a wonder because the guy knows his stuff. It doesn’t excuse his film library to date, but it gives you hope that he might one day actually make good films.

Polanski made two brilliant films early on and hasn’t done anything that’s been good since. He’s referred to as a “great artist” and everyone points out his two early good films but yet nothing he’s recently made. I’ve never seen a director get so much credibility and prestige for essentially making two great films 40 years ago. His entire body of work is mediocre at best and yet it gets elevated because of what he did in the past. It’s akin to an NFL player making Pro Bowls because he had a couple great seasons and then stopped being a franchise player, still getting accolades for being a great player despite not having been one for some time. He got his Oscar for a Holocaust film and established a precedent: if you want an Oscar, the Holocaust is a good subject to take you there.

It’s interesting, then, that Boll’s newest film tackles that subject. And frankly I hope it kills an entire genre in its wake: films about the Holocaust. If there’s a genre Hollywood needs to retire it’s that particular one. I’d rather see a big screen treatments of Small Wonder, Mr. Belvidere, Airwolf and Charles in Charge in a row before I want to see anyone tackle the Holocaust again in Hollywood. Why? Because it’s become another screenwriting device as opposed to the greatest tragedy of our time for the art of cinema and a cheap, tasteless plot for anyone looking for “artistic” credibility; it’s a shame but unfortunately it’s also sadly true. When an actor, actress, director or writer wants to win or get an Oscar nomination they immediately grab a script and set in the Holocaust. Look at the films since Schindler’s List that have won or been nominated for Oscars: none of them have been any good, The Pianist included (and especially). Hell, in Oscar pools the reason why the rule “never bet against the Holocaust film” because the Academy is human after all. People are especially easy to manipulate, especially en masse, so when you take a subject that carries enough weight like the Holocaust (or 9/11) people automatically are more involved because it’s a real life tragedy as opposed to a fictional one.

You can take a mediocre or awful story, set it in the Holocaust, and you don’t have to manufacture any sort of drama because it’s already there. We’re already seeing it with 9/11 films, which are going to end up replacing the Holocaust film as the go-to vehicle for anyone wanting critical respectability and some hardware for the mantle. If Schindler’s List taught us anything it’s that you can make a great film, get tons of awards and then watch as everyone duplicates it. Heck Life is Beautiful has a handful of Oscars despite being generally awful in nearly every aspect. Why? Because it was about the Holocaust and as soon as you see a concentration camp in the movies you can cue the waterworks no matter what.

9/11 films haven’t been quite awarded but are following a similar path: United 93 was beautiful, World Trade Center was good but there have been a number of films that exploit it like Reign Over Me. It makes for an out, like how Deus Ex Machina saves films from having to follow any number of films from having to follow any sort of internal logic. It’s a gimme of a setting that allows you to not have to establish a lot of things like dramatic intensity. I mean it’s the Holocaust, what else do you have to do?

It all came to a head for me with The Boy in the Striped Pajamas which was supposed to be heart breaking but I found myself rooting for the little kid to die in the end. His death, the “innocent” son of the commandant of Auschwitz, is supposed to break our heart because he dies with his little friend in the facility his dad was running in delicious irony. But frankly it wasn’t all that emotional because it was the final point of a film that was remarkably manipulative. The only reason why it should be considered tragic was because someone didn’t shoot his father in the face with a shotgun immediately thereafter.

Polanski only has an Oscar for The Pianist because of the subject, not because it was a great film, and in a way I almost can respect Boll more for not going that route earlier. He never has had great material to work with, being the king of video game adapted films, but he never justified his films as being classic. I mean there isn’t Shakespeare buried deep inside Alone in the Dark or House of the Dead; we shouldn’t be surprised that a Dungeon Siege film stunk because it was a point and click video game (I think).

He hasn’t had great scripts to choose from like Polanski has and so he does what he can: in this case he’s got stranglehold on adapting video game properties that are popular but not massively so. I’ve always thought that if you give him a great script you could see something wonderful, and that Polanski’s Alone in the Dark would be insanely hyped by critics (who are almost Pavlovian in response with some directors, but that’s another column for another time) but still end up being the epic turd Boll’s version turned out to be.

Everyone has kind of made a point of using his name in reference to a noxiously bad director, the modern day version of Ed Wood, so it’s kind of funny that he’s making a Holocaust film. The one thing that strikes me about the fact that Uwe Boll’s Auschwitz even exists is that it almost strikes me as being cynical. For years I’ve thought the Boll has a prestige picture in him, mentioning that I hope there’s a Driving Miss Daisy some time in his future because of his obvious love for the art form and understanding of it on a technical level.

It’s rather amusing that he made this film because it seems like a colossal middle finger to everyone who doubted he could be a competent film maker by beating them at their own game. Like all those doubts crept into him and he thought “If you’re going to ridicule me as a film maker because I couldn’t turn ‘BloodRayne’ into a good film then I’m going to make a Holocaust film. You will cry like imbeciles and give me an Oscar and I will laugh because I am Uwe Boll.”

Personally, I hope he wins an Oscar for it and then adapts “Vampire Rain” as his next film. Thereafter he can be all like “Academy Award Winner Uwe Boll presents his next masterpiece” during the marketing campaign. I’ve always hoped he would take a different route, going with a character piece or adapting a Hong Kong crime film ala Scorsese, but this makes it that much more interesting.

A Movie A Week – The Challenge

This Week’s DVD – Once Upon A Time in the West

Sergio Leone may not have the deepest resume of directors but his influence has been as deep as those whose filmography dwarfs his own. He popularized the Spaghetti Western with the Dollars trilogy, famously passed on The Godfather for Once Upon a Time in America and has left a lasting legacy on international cinema despite only officially helming seven films. One of those was Once Upon a Time in the West.

The thing I took away from this the most, like the rest of Leone’s filmography, is just how beautifully constructed his films are. Say what you want about the quality, which can vary for some people, but Leone is insanely brilliant at scoring and lensing his films. It’s always startling beautiful, especially in his choice of shots. West has a lot of long shots and longer than normal takes, there’s something special to behold in how he sets everything up that you can see has been imitated and duplicated throughout the years. If there was a “How-To” manual on how to make a Western, “Lens it like you’re Leone” should be an early lesson.

Strong Recommendation.

What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club

Alpha and Omega – A couple wolves get stranded from their pack and proceed to fall in love.

See It – It looks kind of quirky and quirky is good for animation this time of year.

Devil – Five people are stranded in an elevator. And one of them is the devil. Cue evil laughter and dramatic music.

Skip It – Anything that has M. Night Shyamalan’s name on it is an automatic skip for me.

Easy A – Emma Stone convinces the rest of the school that she’s slept around when she hasn’t.

See It – Easily my new favorite new star, Emma Stone has that “it” you can’t teach. Every time she’s on screen, no matter what film she’s in, there’s something about her that draws you in because she has that goofy charisma of a young Julia Roberts. This film has the feel of a great teen comedy that’s more Clueless than Superbad; sometimes you can make a film about the bawdy side of teen life without being overtly bawdy.

The Town – Based off the novel “Prince of Thieves”, Ben Affleck leads a crew of bank robbers that has drawn the ire of a badass FBI agent (Jon Hamm). Throw in the chick from that last Woody Allen flick as a love interest, and probably a bunch of gun fights and heists.

See It – Affleck behind the camera has so far been gold and the novel is remarkable; the first time around it worked so it holds that this should be a great film. It looks like it could be the next great crime film about Boston following Scorsese’s The Departed.

Never Let Me Go – Hitting indie markets, a sci-fi tale about a boarding school and three students (Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley) who survive it.

See It – The novel of the same name has gotten great reviews and this is getting Oscar hype already. This is a great young cast and my gut says that they’ll carry what could be a weak story higher than it ought to be.

Jack Goes Boating – Philip Seymour Hoffman gets behind the camera as he adapts the play of the same name as the original cast remains pretty much intact. Limited release.

See It – There’s been a pretty good track record of plays turned into films using the original cast and I don’t see this spoiling it.

Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.

Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings his trademarked irreverence and offensive hilarity to Twitter in 140 characters or less. Follow him @MMCritic_Kubryk.