-So far, everyone I know outside of the Internets who has any interest in the show thinks that Naomi is easily the winner, and everyone else can go scratch. Based on crowd reactions and performances from last week, they might be right. As of now, Maxine seems the most disposable, and Kaitlyn might just be too normal to end up as part of the WWE payroll. Wrestling-wise, Naomi and (so I hear) AJ are the standouts, but it’s not as if anyone has blown me away promo-wise, even though I’ve already admitted to kind of liking Aksana’s Yakov Smirnov-style and think that Kaitlyn actually has a personality that’s different than “I’m prettier than everyone so I’m a heel” or “I’m happy and friendly and perky so I’m a face.” I’m not sure Vince has a third female character other than “the dominant Diva,” but I don’t see any of these girls taking that particular mantle.
-Oh god…listen to me. I’m talking about this show like it’s an actual show.
-Also, my wife is watching with me, so you may occassionally see her little pearls of wisdom pop up every now and again. Actually, she’s thinking of committing to watching all of the remaining episodes (until 9/28, it seems) because she doesn’t want to let down “her adoring public.” From the mouths of babes…
-That being said, she’s a little sleepy, so she may conk out. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see. The anticipation is KILLING me.
-You know, watching the opening credits, I’d already forgotten that Jamie Keyes was a contestant. She’s the only one who had any exposure to the audience beforehand, and she’s the one that has completely slipped my mind.
-Your hosts are, as always, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews. Cole says the first elimination is in three weeks…but isn’t the show being cancelled in two weeks unless it finds another home? Is it possible that on 9/28, they’re just going to pull some big surpise, eliminate everyone other than the winner and just go from there? Just a thought.
-Vickie Guerrero comes out, and Cole is ecstatic, calling her “the Billie Jean King” of NXT. Was Billie Jean King ever a coach? I thought she was only ever a tennis player. Yaaaay lack of sports knowledge! Anywho, Kaitlyn is there too as Vickie asks to be excused. Vickie, amidst all the boos, has invited Dolph Ziggler on to the show to make her feel better, and is anyone else thinking that we’re going to catch him and Kaitlyn in a little hanky panky down the line? Ah, I see why here’s here…mixed tag time.
Match One: Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn vs. Primo and AJ
-Primo is acting as a face, but who even knows (or cares) anymore. Matthews says that Primo is always a gentleman, so yep, face. Dolph and Primo are in the ring for a New York Minute before Kaitlyn is tagged in and the girls mix it up. Cole details the story of AJ, how she used to work at Pathmark, and was homeless for three years (!), and my wife jumps on that. “See, that’s why I think AJ is fake. They’re detailing her life, saying she worked at Pathmark, that she was homeless…see, you can’t be the girl next door when you’ve experienced something like being homeless for three years. That affects you. Your survival instincts kick in.” Fair point, but I still kind of like her, so nyah. Crowd has a “Let’s go AJ” chant going. Huh. AJ seems much cleaner in there, but Kaitlyn comes back with a solid jumping clothesline before tagging in Dolph, who immediately runs and knocks off Primo. He confronts AJ, but he can’t, y’know, touch her. He won’t get out of her way, so she slaps him twice, which he sells like a pro, and then tags in Primo, who’s un casa en fuego, flipping and dropkicking like mad. Of course, as all fiery faces do, he misses a charge into the corner, gets Zig Zagged, and pinned.
Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn
-Post-match, Kaitlyn and Dolph hug, and Vickie, naturally, seems a bit perturbed by that. The announcers, for their part, simply can’t understand why Vickie is so upset. Y’know…because they’re morons. JEALOUSY IS A BASIC STORY ELEMENT, GUYS. I know they’re booked not to notice, but this is Earl Hebner level blindness.
Rookie Video Package: Maxine
-She’s Spanish/Cuban/Italian/Hawaiin/Chinese/Possibly Klingon. She loves dancing, particularly salsa. She wants power and control, and thinks the other five Divas aren’t as aggressive as she is. “I want it all.” Again, she looks SO much more distinctive with the curly hair, and hope that none of the higher-ups told her to straighten it because they’re afraid she’d look too much like Melina or some stupid thing.
-Next, we get to watch the rookies be funny! Kill me!
COMMERCIALS
-Matt Striker is in the ring, and announces all of the rookies. Jamie Keyes is weirdly skinny despite having the biggest arms of all the girls. Quick replay of Naomi’s awesome show last week.
-Diva Joke Time! Oh lord…each girl will tell a joke, and whoever gets the biggest laugh wins. The audience judges, so Maxine is already out, as she’s the ones who’s closest to a heel. Matthews has what is sure to be the line of the night: “This…could be really bad.” How bad is it, you ask? Let’s find out together, shall we?
-AJ is up first, and boy, is she perky. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and she’s booed before she even finishes the joke. I’ve decided that I’m not going to repost the jokes unless one of them is dynamite, so don’t hold your breath. Aksana is next, and she gets booed before she even STARTS the joke. She starts saying it in Lithuanian, which gets even MORE boos, but then she says the joke in English, which is short enough to post: “What’s the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds.” Well, I laughed, but the audience still boos the shit out of her. Jamie Keyes is next, and the audience hates her, too, as do the announcers. “Okay, Detroit, I’m gonna need some help tonight!” Cole: “Oh, please, stop!” She needs audience participation, and you’ll see why. “Knock Knock? Who’s there? Aksana. Aksana who? Exactly.” Wakka wakka wakka. That’s not the whole joke, but that’s enough. Naomi is up next, and the audience likes her right away. She does the old joke about a dog with no legs not coming when you call it, and Cole thinks it’s funny, but the rest of the audience generally craps on it, with good reason. My wife: “Awwww…” It should be noted that my wife is a dog lover, and doesn’t take kindly to those kind of “perverse humor.” “Happy scrappy, happy scrappy,” she says. Anyone get that reference? Cole: “I want Naomi to win every competition so the show ends earlier.” Maxine says that she has five jokes with her in the ring right now, and picks on AJ. She reminds her of a little girl scout, but girl scouts don’t last in the WWE. Maxine then takes a twenty dollar bill, shoves it in her face, and tells her to go to the back and get her some Thin Mints. AJ is PISSED, tries to rip up the twenty, and shoves it back in Maxine’s face. CATFIGHT! Cole, earning a bit of my respect, starts applauding. Striker tries to break it up as the rest of the girls pull them apart. Naomi, in the confusion, picks the twenty up off the floor and puts it in her tights. Well, that was kind of shifty, now wasn’t it. They get pulled apart, but AJ is still fuming. Kaitlyn is up next, and both she and Stryker acknowledge that she has a tough act to follow. She picks on AJ as well, but she never gets the punchline out, as what precedes the punchline involves slapping AJ in the face, and she just attacks her. Great.
-Cole points out that this whole thing has been a tremendous waste of time. Stryker polls the audience, and the winner is…Jaime? Really? I mean, ALL of them were terrible, but the only one who actually made me laugh was Aksana, crazily enough. Seriously, this whole thing was just godawful, and this shit needs to be quasi-booked ahead of time. I know that it’s supposed to have reality show elements, but wrestling, by it’s nature, is pre-determined. Doing this nonsense just exposes the inexperience of the girls and the sloppiness of the show, and it’s not helping anyone at all.
-As if to give voice to my anger, Cole RINGS A GONG. Bring out Chuck Barris! He says that the girls should be gonged, Stryker should be gonged, the audience should be gonged because they bought tickets to watch this show, and, as Matthews claps his support, says that with the exception of he and Josh, the entire show should be gonged. He pounds away on the thing, THROUGH the stinger announcing Jamie vs. Aksana is next. Seriously, the last thing we see before commercial is him just hitting the gong over and over again. My wife: “I think Michael Cole just went rogue!”
-In case you couldn’t tell, Cole is almost infinitely more listenable on this show, because it’s so obvious that no one is watching, and he just says whatever the hell he feels like. I mean, would they actually book him to say this stuff? Maybe, but wow; way to crap on your own product.
-My wife, as I pause the show to do recap duty and describe how terrible this is: “Stop pausing it; you’re just prolonging the terribleness!”
COMMERCIALS
Match Two: Jamie vs. Aksana
-Cole likes the Bellas, noting how much he’s been admiring their dresses as they come down to the ring to support Jamie. Aksana, however, is Cole’s pick to win this competition, primarily because she’s being coached by Goldust. Cole also says, if the Bellas are Pros and Vickie is a Pro, that he and Matthews should be Pros next season. Hey, the way that things are sliding, I wouldn’t be surprised.
-As for the match, it’s a whole lot of nothing special, the most spectacular thing being when Jamie has a barely interesting rollup for the pin. Cole: “You know, Jamie was the ring announcer for last season of NXT…” Matthews: “THAT’S where I know her from!”
Winner: Jamie Keyes
-Jimmy crack corn, and fill in the rest.
Rookie Video Package: Naomi
-She’d describe herself as spunky, sporty, and very spontaneous. She has four brothers. They show some footage from her dancing days with the Orlando Magic, as well as her awesome slam dunks off of trampolines. None of the other girls move like her, or have her athletic ability. The girl’s been dancing since she was ten, and apparently has been crazy flexible since forever, too.
-Obstacle Course next. Yippee.
-Holy crap…new SyFy movie…SHARKTOPUS! Man, I am THERE!
COMMERCIALS
-Kane/Undertaker Recap. Why was there ANY surprise when Kane was the attacker? Did the announcers never watch the product before 2007?
-Night of Champions Recap. Miz is going to beat Daniel Bryan, methinks.
-Recap of Vickie’s awesome acting job as her joy turns to horror as Dolph and Kaitlyn get friendly.
-Backstage, Dolph and Kaitlyn talk about their win, and Vickie comes in and asks for some alone time with her man. Kaitlyn puts her hand on his shoulder, thanking him again, but Vickie shoos her away. Vickie asks what was up with their celebration earlier, and Dolph denies any wrongdoing. Highlight of the night comes when Vickie says that it better not happen again, or Dolph is going to lose “all of…this,” as she moves her hands all around her body during that very long ellipsis. Cole and Matthews burst out laughing, as do I and the live audience. Vickie is the top heel for a reason, and she deserves all the credit in the world for growing as a character and a performer these past few years.
-Cole and Matthews are just ripping the whole show apart, with Matthews sarcastically calling the show amazing, and Cole’s comments dripping with disbelief. I think we’re witnessing the collapse of the sanity of these two men: they can’t shine this turd any longer, and simply don’t seem to care who’s watching, which only goes to show how little the higher-ups think about this particular season of NXT. Just bizarre.
COMMERCIALS
-Obstacle course time, and it’s basically the same as the boy’s version from Season Two. I have a very bad feeling about this. Kaitlyn is first, but gets interrupted by Vickie. To show Kaitlyn how to win, she’s going to run it first “with perfection.” Matthews: “How much time do we have left?” Cole: “It can’t end soon enough.” Statler and Waldorf, everyone. Vickie also takes a solid minute to limber up, to the boos of the crowd and the impatience of Striker. Finally, she does it, and actually makes it through (despite some trouble on the third hurdle), slowly but surely, but then falls off the balance beam at the end…and starts screaming and crying. Then she leaves. And that’s THE WHOLE SEGMENT. JESUS.
COMMERCIALS
-They replay Vickie’s run, as if they really do have all the time in the world. Finally, Kaitlyn goes, and does a pretty good job, finishing it in 36.5. She even did a little somersault into the push-up section. Aksana is next, and is moving ass. Her push-ups seemed slightly, slightly suggestive, but she’s short by a few seconds. AJ is next, and my wife just emanates hate. HATE. She’s the smallest, and Matthews likes her feel-good story. She wastes a few precious seconds with her feet out of the push-up box. She’s nowhere near Kaitlyn’s time, falling short by a good ten seconds. Here comes Maxine, who blazes through the tires. Unfortunately, she falls off the balance beam, and it takes up the few seconds she needed to get ahead. Cole: “How are you enjoying this?” Matthews: “Are you serious?” Cole points out that last night, he called a tables match between Cena and Randy Orton, and now he’s calling this nonsense. Cole weirdness continues. Jamie does well, but loses by .2 seconds. Sure, they always stop the clock a few seconds too late. Naomi misses a tire, shorts a pushup, falls of the balance beam…too sloppy. Kaitlyn wins, but Cole starts gonging the show yet again.
-“This is ridiculous. This whole show is ridiculous. This whole show violates everything about my journalistic integrity. I was a war correspondent, and now I’m covering this (quick Wikipedia check…holy shit, he WAS, covering the Yugoslavian Civil War for CBS News for nine months)! I am done with you, I’m done with this entire show.”
-And…he’s walking out. The Pros sing “The Goodbye Song,” and Matthews says good riddance.
Closing Thoughts
-What the hell was that? Well, Cole leaving the show makes sense, as he and Matthews spent the whole hour lambasting everything the girls did, but with good reason. Storyline or not, the show WAS absymal, with lousy to barely adequate wrestling, a terrible “joke” contest, and tons and tons of filler. This is easily the worst episode of NXT that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen ’em all. I was left with some level of hope last week, but obviously, WWE won’t be content until they’ve made me desire oblivion’s sweet release.
