For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 9/27/10 with Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and Wacky Uncle Matt Hardy

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 9/27/10 with Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and Wacky Uncle Matt Hardy

Welcome to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, personality displacing professional wrestling column on the Internet. I am your always smug and pompous cruise director Andrew Wheeler, and this week promises to be packed full of all kinds of good stuff. How can you be sure? Well, if you have no self control, chances are you read the spoilers for tonight and know what RAW has in store. Me? Well, I have journalistic integrity so I am going into this edition of FYC without any knowledge of what happened on the taped show. See the sacrifices I make for you fine folks?

Tonight is the go-home RAW before “Hell in a Cell”, which has got to be one of the shortest PPV windows in the history of the WWE. On the one hand, the company is going to be struggling to get people to open their wallets just two weeks after Night of Champions. But, on the other hand (or hook if you were involved in some sort of machine-related accident), this show has the kind of built-in hook that’s going to grab some people’s money, no questions asked.

The card for Hell in a Cell is surprisingly strong. The WWE Title Match between Orton and Sheamus should be fine, though there isn’t quite enough heat between them to really make me want to see such a giant blowoff match. Taker/Kane and their lather-rinse-ignite in flames-repeat feud is tailor-made for HIAC, so no complaints there. Finally, there’s the Cena/Barrett match, and while no one wants to buy a wrestling shirt with bright yellow Scrabble tile on it, people sure as hell are still mildly intrigued by the John Cena versus Nexus story. And if they aren’t? Well, then all Vince needs to do is have the star of the surefire box office hit “Legendary” (available in the discount bin at your local economy-crushing Wal-Mart) pin the big British guy with the crooked nose and then go ahead and fire the bulk of the Midcard All-Stars.

Before we get down to business tonight, I wanna touch on what has quickly become THE story of the week…

The Curious Case of Matt Freakin Hardy

Now it is no secret to any longtime reader that I just plain don’t like Matt Hardy. Matt was always portrayed by the WWE as the “stable” brother, but over the course of the past five years, I think that we’ve learned that being the more reliable Hardy brother is like being the most practical member of the Manson Family.

Matt’s coocoobananas actions as of late apparently stem from the fact that he wants out of the WWE so he can go ride Jeff’s Ecstasy-laden coattails. Or so he says. As the always brilliant Raffi pointed out in his column earlier today (beating me to the punch), this really does play out in one of three scenarios.

Scenario one is that Matt really does just want out. The WWE doesn’t want to give TNA the Hardy Boys, because while most of us aren’t suddenly going to go and watch TNA to see our favorite orange, bloated middle-aged emo teenager, there are still plenty of people who will pay money for a Hardy Boys t-shirt or possibly another one-off reunion.

TNA has a lot to gain by getting Matt Hardy because having The Hardy Boys reunite will lend even more credibility to their tag team division. Say what you want about The Dudley Boys (and trust me, I have), having them in their tag division feuding with new teams gave them an air of authenticity. Sure, they stayed way too long, put themselves over everyone and didn’t really have great matches, but at least there were SOME benefits.

With the Hardys reunited in TNA, the company has at least three “dream” matches: Hardys v. Beer Money, Hardys v. Motor City Machine Guns and Hardys v. Young Bucks/Generation Me. The Bucks have the most to gain from such a rub, seeing as how they are basically just aping the old Hardy shtick of ugly neon tights and cocky attitudes.

For those reasons alone, there is no reason for Vince to let Matt go. Keeping Matt Hardy is very similar to the cable television idea of warehousing. Without getting too technical, warehousing is a concept in which a cable network will buy the exclusive rights to a show just to keep other channels from airing the program. Nickelodeon did it with tons of classic television shows. The best example was when E! Entertainment bought all of the seasons of SNL, robbing Comedy Central of most of it’s filler programming. E! doesn’t air the old SNL reruns, but by preventing a competitor from being able to, they have a slight edge. This is what Vince should do. Keep Matt at a very low salary for the remainder of his contract so that he can’t go the competition.

Scenario Two that was posed by Raffi was that this might all be an angle. It could be, but this would be pretty damn elaborate. Remember when Daniel Bryan was released and everyone just assumed that this was a work? Yeah, the WWE isn’t quite THAT good. If I’m wrong and this is a storyline, then I will tip my hat to everyone involved.

Scenario Three is that this is…pardon the pun…the downward spiral of Matt Hardy. Matt wouldn’t be the first pro wrestler to sink deeper and deeper into psychological trouble, though if this is the case, then someone needs to step in and step in quickly. Hardy now claims that he is suffering from some sort of dissociative disorder. If this were in fact the case, the WWE would step in and put him under treatment rather than send him home and then release the fact that they sent him home. If Matt truly was sick, the WWE would waste no time to trumpet the fact that they and their Wellness Policy were there to swoop in and rescue the fallen Hardy. Instead, they go and cut him out of the opening video package of Smackdown. Something tells me that Matt may be suffering from something, but that something is an overflow of excrement.

In layman’s terms, Matt Hardy is full of shit.

But he can sure use him some Twitter. Speaking of which, you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post in the very elaborate comment section down below.

Have a Nice Film

Mick Foley today announced that his life is officially becoming a major motion picture. I’m torn about this idea because while I think that Mick’s story is incredibly captivating (his books have always been fantastic), it is going to be a very hard thing to execute properly.

First, there’s the fact that Foley’s life story is going to be relentlessly compared to “The Wrestler”. Yes, one movie is about an aged star in the twilight of his career while the other is about the rise of a plucky young Long Islander looking to make it big without spending money, but to the mainstream audience, a wrestling picture is a wrestling picture. Don’t believe me? Go ask Barton Fink.

Second, there’s the fact that Mick Foley no longer works for the WWE. My big gripe with guys like Hogan and Flair and Foley going to TNA is that they now lose control of their legacies. I can’t imagine how anyone can do a bio on Mick without the WWE being involved somehow. I don’t know about you, but I want Jim Ross’s voice somewhere in that movie, and if JR is still under WWE contract, good luck getting him to appear in the film.

Finally, who the hell can convincingly play Mick Foley? Foley based his characters on movies like Cape Fear, yet his cuddly real-life persona was what made him such a compelling figure. Who can really capture that indescribable Mick-ness? My vote is Baloo from Tale Spin, but I’m pretty sure he’s unavailable.

Alright, enough foreplay, onto…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW – 9/27/10

“If ya smell….”

We open with a Daniel Bryan/Miz video package, and color me impressed. Opening RAW with a mid-card feud is pretty unique for the WWE, and will only make both of these guys look even more big time.

Nickelback’s special bland of noise torture brings us to pyro and ballyhoo and we are TAPED in HDTV. Tonight, Jericho will face Randy Orton for the first time ever.

Awesome, we’re opening with The Miz. He is accompanied by the Miz-fit, Alex Riley. Miz says that Bryan challenged them to a tag match tonight (which was actually last week, just to keep that clear). Miz says that Bryan is the guy who wins money in the lottery and thinks he’s always going to win the lottery. The Miz says that every Monday Night Daniel Bryan gets embarrassed by The Miz. Miz’s catchphrase gets interrupted by Daniel Bryan’s music, which Miz calls Superman music for some reason.

Daniel Bryan’s tag team partner is John Morrison, who seems to be getting some sort of mini-push because he can leap off of things.

Daniel Bryan & John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. The Miz and Miz-Fit

Bryan and Riley start it off and Bryan takes him down with a kick. He then hits a running knee for two before trying to twist his arm off. Bryan tags in John Morrison, whose big offensive move is getting beaten up by Riley. John hits a dropkick out of nowhere for two. John charges Alex who stun guns him. Riley rams him into the corner before tagging in The Miz, who stomps away on that progressing beard.

The Miz slingshots Morrison into the bottom rope as Daniel Bryan is either trying to start a clap or is killing bugs. Probably the clap thing because vegans don’t kill bugs. They are weird, weird people. What you mean he don’t eat no meat?

Riley is back in and he slams Morrison as Cole is impressed by his power. There was something incredibly creepy about how he said that. Miz gets tagged back in and the fans chant “You tapped out”. Miz responds by hitting that cool hanging clothesline gimmick in the corner. Yeah, that’ll show them.

We now get a pulse-pounding rest hold for a few minutes but Morrison breaks free with the sloppiest snapmare I’ve ever seen this side of a Diva match. John fights to make the hot tag for a little bit and then tags in Bryan. Daniel dropkicks Riley off the apron and then hits a belly-to-back and a dropkick for two. Bryan goes for the Pati LaBelle Lock but Miz reverses it into the SCF for the pin.

Miz is about to leave the ring, but he decides to come back in and kick Bryan some more. Morrison comes in to save Daniel. They wind up outside, so Bryan leaps through the ropes in a suicide dive. Out of nowhere, Bryan and Morrison start brawling, which was kinda odd. It’s now a melee, which of course means…

GMail comes in and at Hell in a Cell we will get a triple threat submissions count anywhere match. Well that makes sense since neither Morrison nor Miz has a submission. I wonder if John’s Parkay training will come in handy there. It butter…I mean better.

Hey, there’s a bunch of Divas in the back. That can mean only one thing, a…

Commercial.

Nickelback is going on tour, so if they’re coming to your town, make sure you have enough bottled water and batteries in case the worst should happen.

Diva Battle Royal

Just as the match is about to start, LayCool come out in their matching mini-Taker hoodies. The Divas in the ring all just kinda stand there for a bit as Snukette does some actual wrestling. She eliminates Melina first, which was a surprise. Gail has Snukette in the corner and goes for a headscissor but she gets dumped. Eve decides to attack Snukette and Eve winds up eliminating her.

Michelle points out that she would never date Ted DiBiase. Keep in mind that this is a woman that saw The Undertaker’s odd, slimy, sliced-turkey-esque skin and thought, “Yeah, that’s for me.” The Bellas get eliminated somehow. Maryse and Eve get dumped and now we’re down to three: Natalya, Alicia Fox and Jillian Hall. I guess Natty is getting the title shot to make up for the fact that her pops is probably going to need something to cheer him up in the slammer. Fox dumps Hall and then Natalya dumps Alicia to win the match. Super.

We now get treated to a John Cena video package where he tries very difficulty to convince us that “Legendary” is an amazing movie. Jimmy Fallon’s crack about being able to see John Cena because he’s wearing a suit, which was mildly amusing. That is about the highest praise I can give to Jimmy Fallon.

Tonight on The Cutting Edge: The GMail. That should go well.

Commercial.

We’re back and Maryse is dabbing herself with a towel in a TV-PG kinda way. She is bitching to Teddy about how Eve cost her the battle royal. They start bickering despite the fact that there’s a camera in the room, when there’s conveniently a knock on the door. Someone dropped off a letter that says “Next week you will be mine.” Oh yes, she will be mine.

Hey, here comes Sheamus. We haven’t had a good Sheamus promo in a long time. “Dere’s an ohl tale cahled da firey red handa Ireland.” The fiery red hand of Ireland? Is that what they tell kids what will happen to them if they whack it too much? Sheamus tells Randy to go talk to Chiple Ache because he ended his career. Sheamus challenges any wrestler with tires, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. Well, unless it’s Mark Henry, since he looks like the Michelin Man.

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus is still pacing around. He says there is no fellah back there to take him on. The challenge is answered by…oh fuck me…

Sheamus v. The Great Khali

Michael Cole does a surprising plug for Mick Foley’s book, which makes me think that maybe Vince is extending an olive branch to get a piece of Foley’s flick. Khali muscles Sheamus into the corner to do the one move he can actually execute, the chop. Sheamus fires back and wails away on Khali.

Sheamus drags Khali to the outside as the Indian and the Irishman brawl to determine who got treated worse by England. Sheamus rips apart the announce table and the ref calls for the bell. Sheamus lays out Khali with the bicycle kick as we get a ridiculous shot of Khali’s handprint on Sheamus’s chest.

Commercial.

Did you know that kids who like wresting can read? That can only mean good things for my column hits. And for those that can’t read, I hope they click because they like the purty pictures.

Here comes Edge who is wearing a shirt that features a picture of him not wearing a shirt. In the ring is the GMail podium, which violated the Wellness Policy for too much iron. Heh. But seriously, it also had a heroin problem, which isn’t funny to joke about.

Edge explains that we don’t know who the GMail is so he asks why the GMail is such a spineless coward. The GMail computer, which apparently talks, calls Edge a moron. The GMail says that if anyone knew who he ways, it would change everything. Edge calls the GMail a big, fat liar. The GMail sounds like Mojo the Monkey from “The Simpsons”. Pray…for…GMail.

Edge then realizes that he’s arguing with a computer and points out how this segment has jumped the shark. Edge says he’s going to ask Chris Jericho who he is. The GMail says Chris is bluffing and then books Edge in a match. The GMail now kinda sounds like the talking worm from “The Simpsons”. “I thought you loved me…loved me.” Which begs the question; why does the GMail sound like a lamb?

Oh, and Edge’s opponent is John Cena.

Commercial.

John Cena v. Edge

We’re back on the longest running action-adventure pawn-shop themed program on television. In the back, Nexus is watching RAW. Well, I would hope that the talent is watching the product, but what the hell do I know?

Edge starts off stomping on Cena as we get dueling “Let’s Go Edge”/ “Let’s Go Cena” chants. Edge dumps Cena to the outside and dropkicks him up the ramp. Cole compares Cena joining Nexus to LeBron joining the Heat. Yeah, assuming that the Heat consisted of one talented guy and four shnooks.

Edge whips Cena into the ring but John goes for the FU. Edge breaks free and goes for a pin but only gets two. Edge then goes back to work on Cena, hammering away on the guy in LSU colors. By the way, Go Gators!

John Cena goes for a flying shoulder tackle but Edge realizes that it isn’t that hard to dodge a man leaping at him and simply steps to his left. He is the ultimate strategist. Seriously, you never want to play Edge in a game of strategy. He sunk my Battleship, which was impressive since we were playing Clue.

Cena takes Edge down and now we get to watch the ref count to ten. It’s times like this that I wish Count Count was a referee. Basically I want any Muppet doing anything at any time. Except surgery, because felt would probably get everywhere.

Cena from out of nowhere busts out the Throwback. He then perches Edge on the second rope and he’s going for that Main Event FU. Edge slips off of the most overly elaborate set-up and then hits a Spear to pin John Cena. Cena’s foot was under the bottom rope, but the ref didn’t see it.

The GMail goes off and it tells us that since John’s foot was under the rope, the match MUST continue. What a swerve.

Edge starts hammering away on John Cena as Cole questions as to whether the GMail is now an official. If he’s the all-powerful GM, why wouldn’t he be able to do such a thing? Edge goes for a Spear but Cena turns it into the STFU for the tap-out victory.

After the match, Edge stares menacingly at the laptop. The GMail tells Edge to walk away, so Edge instead opts to smash the computer. He then grabs a chair but instead breaks it over his knee like so. Edge hits an elbow drop and headbutts the monitor. Somewhere, the Amish are celebrating.

We get a promo for the Chris Jericho DVD that I cannot wait to get my hands on. Seriously, I don’t know how to get a free copy of this since I do work for a major pro wrestling website, but if there’s a way then damnit I want it. Either that or I’ll have to crack open the wallet and actually buy it.

Commercial.

So apparently there’s a new hunting video game. I thought that people went hunting because they weren’t getting any. Now they make a video game about hunting, for the bloodthirsty virgin who doesn’t have any friends to go out and kill defenseless animals with. Then again, it’s nice that there’s also an option for the homicidal maniac who can’t legally purchase a gun.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Tie-Less Because It’s Taped” Cole throw us back to moments ago when Edge decided to test the warranty on the GMail’s laptop.

Nexus is out now and I’m begging for someone to buy a vowel.

Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel v. Mark Hey-Hey Henry & Evan Air Bourne

So it’s the only two guys who can work in Nexus not named Wade against the current randomized lower-midcard tag team. Slater starts off hammering away on Bourne before tagging in Gabriel who goes for the pin. Slater is back in and he drops the knee for two. Heath grabs a chinlock but Bourne breaks free. Slater goes for a diving forearm but runs right into Token Offense.

Bourne makes the hot tag to Mark Henry, who has thankfully decided to not wear his Kool-Aid outfit today. Henry bodypresses Gabriel before calling for AirBourne. Slater comes out of nowhere and jumps Mark Henry, allowing Justin Gabriel to go for the 450. Evan moves out of the way and goes to the top rope again. He hits AirBourne but Slater reverses the pin and Gabriel pins him. I haven’t seen that finish since WCW Saturday Night. Somewhere Silver King is calling for gimmick infringement. You know, if his phone is still turned on.

Nexus now beats down Henry and Bourne. They ram Mark into the ring steps and then it’s 5-on-1 against the plucky kid from ROH. Wade hits Baba O’Reilly before Justin Gabriel lands the 450, which is the area code for Quebec.

Wade Barrett says that you’re either Nexus or against us and after Hell in a Cell, John Cena will no longer be against us. He will be property of the Nexus, the Constitution be damned. Wade promises that John Cena will help demoralize the entire WWE. They’re going to make everyone watch NXT?

David Otunga says that this Friday they’re going to invade Smackdown. The Smackdown roster gets a fair warning, since they’re already taped. Michael Tarver says that the bad news is that they’re the bad news. Zuh? Apparently no one can stop them. Except immigration. INS smacked the shit out of Wade Barrett.

Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre are in the back but take a moment to admire themselves in the mirror before walking into a…

Commercial.

I cannot wait to see “The Social Network”. It’s Aaron Sorkin, would you expect any less?

Next week, Johnny Knoxville will guest star on RAW. I guess the WWE never learns.

WWE Tag Team Penny Title Match: Hart Dynasty v. Dashing Cody Rhodes and Dull Drew McIntyre

Well this match makes sense, seeing as how Rhodes and McIntyre beat them two weeks in a row. I saw in the Smackdown report the nickname of Dashingly Sinister for the tag champs, but that is way too cool for them. Drew doesn’t deserve it.

Kidd and Rhodes start it off and Cody kicks him in the stomach. He whips him into the ropes but Tyson comes off the top rope and rolls him up for two. Cody comes off the second rope with the Beautiful Disaster, because like all cool moves, it’s named after a Kelly Clarkson song.

Drew comes in for a moment for some bland offense before Cody gets tagged back. McIntyre returns and he hits a clothesline. Tyson connects with a clothesline and down goes Drew. Smith comes in and he unleashes some clotheslines on Cody, followed by a knee lift and a very dull yell. DH goes for a powerslam but settles for suplex. Smith pulls a page out of Tiffany’s book and knocks Drew out of the ring. DH and Tyson go for the Hart Attack, but Drew shoves Kidd off the ropes (which actually propelled him faster towards Cody) and Rhodes hits CrossRhodes for the pin.

Smith and Kidd argue on the outside as DH gets all roid raged. Cole suggests 1-800-Marriage-Counselor, which is the kind of comeback I would expect from a middle schooler. I expect more from Michael Cole. Not much though.

Commercial.

In the Kane/Taker promo, we get my favorite Vince call EVER. “That’s gotta be…that’s gotta be Kane.” I want that for my ringtone.

We’re back and the official HIAC theme is by Atom Smash. That’s actually the first dance at my wedding.

John Cena is in the back and for some reason here comes Resurrection-Truth. Truth says that he has Cena’s back. John says that he won’t be part of Nexus. Truth says that Cena isn’t careful. He’s reckless and is getting crunk. Wow, that word is versatile. And when the hell did Truth turn into every police lieutenant from every clichéd cop movie ever. Except “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” “I report to a committee. Some of whom appointed, some elected and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It’s a quorum, so to speak.”

Chris Jericho is out now and says that he will win the match tonight and then on Sunday win the WWE Championship. Jericho calls Orton a dangerous man, but he isn’t scared even though Randy is deranged. Chris can see it in his eyes as I resist once again quoting Lionel Ritchie. Jericho promises to cut Randy Orton’s head off because he’s a viper, though that does sound pretty damn brutal. Chris rattles off all of the people that he’s beaten, so we cut to a…

Commercial.

So the premise of “My Soul to Take” is based on people trying to answer the question of whether something can be so evil that it can’t die. Let me save you $9: No. Now go see “The Social Network”.

We’re back and Chris Jericho is still rattling off the people he beat, including Juventud Guerrera, Dean Malenko, Stevie Ray, Flash Flannigan, Flash Funk, Kevin Nash, Diesel, Oz, Scott Hall and Razor Ramon. This, alongside 1,004 holds, may be the best thing he’s done in years.

Fucking Randy Orton comes out and interrupts the solid gold. Thanks for depriving me of something entertaining, you over-tanned jackass.

Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho

Orton jumps Jericho to start and hammers away with uppercuts. He backs Chris into a corner, so Chris pokes him in the eye. Jericho kicks Randy in the ribs and then fires away with punches. Jericho and Orton are on the outside and Chris whips Randy into the barrier so hard that he hits a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Orton is stomping away on Jericho. This brings out Sheamus, who I guess doesn’t get a television in his locker-room like Nexus does. Prima donnas. Jericho takes advantage of the distraction with the second slingshot of the night. Jericho goes for the old dust-hands-drop-leg move but Randy moves. Jericho charges Randy but Orton almost RKOs him but gets rolled up for two. Chris locks in a main event sized resthold

Orton breaks free but eats a dropkick. Remember kids, after eating a dropkick, wait 30 minutes before going swimming. Chris drops a knee across Randy’s face as Cole once again mentions Mick Foley’s name. Curiouser and curiouser. Randy hits a belly-to-back suplex as Sheamus continues to stare menacingly and pigment-free. Randy hits that vintage scoopslam used by John Adams against the Continental Congress. Chris gets control and goes for a Lionsault but instead hits the inverted backbreaker. He goes for the RKO but Jericho blocks it and hits the Lionsault for two.

Chris kicks Randy out of the ring before going for a springboard dropkick. He misses and Orton goes for the Second Rope DDT. Chris counters that into the Walls of Jericho, which gives Cole a chance to use the word “belly”. Orton gets dragged away from the ropes and yells like he’s giving birth. I guess Josh Matthews could use a brother.

Orton breaks free and this time hits the Second Rope DDT. Randy begins humping the mat but Sheamus runs in. Randy knocks Sheamus out of the ring and hits the Second Rope DDT on him. Cole explains that Randy is entering that place that only Randy can go into. Orton goes for the kick to the skull but Jericho out of nowhere hits the Codebreaker.

Chris grabs a chair but Randy ducks and hits an RKO. He then measures Jericho for a punt to the head and I guess that’s how they’re going to write Chris Jericho out of WWE TV for the next few weeks. Sheamus looks all freaked out as he and Randy engage in a deadly staring contest. Who will laugh first? Find out…this Sunday.

Don’t forget that there will be a HIAC Roundtable up sometime this Sunday, and it should be great. Maybe we’ll get lucky and the triumphantly returning Rey Mundo and Pulse Glazer will participate. The gauntlet has been thrown down, gentlemen.

This has been for your consideration.

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