Suspension of Disbelief: TNA Wrestling Report for 09.30.2010 – Challenges, Returns, and a Steel Cage Match!

Before I get started…

So, as befits a big hulking manly man of might such as myself, yesterday I took in a showing of Beauty and the Beast: The Sing Along Event. Beauty is one of my favorite movies of all time, and to see it on the big screen for the first time in almost 19 years was a nice treat.

Now I know what you’re thinking:

“Um, Rey? What in the blue hell does this have to do with wrestling? Get on to the recap quick because we’re kind of wishing you never got the laptop out of hock.”

Easy, loyal readers. Easy.

Beauty and professional wrestling (“Sports Entertainment” for all you WWE fans) have TONS in common! You’ve got a sympathetic face with a bit of a rough edge (Beast), a beautiful girl that supports him (Belle), a lovable stable of sidekicks (Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Chip), and of course, an excellent heel that you love to hate (Gaston).

The face undergoes some hardships that causes the girl to fall for him, the stable o’ sidekicks has his back, and the evil heel that cares only about winning. That’s a heckuva story. Also, to go back to the heel stuff, Gaston is easily as evil as Randy Orton was, circa WrestleMania XXV. I mean, come on! Randy punted Vince and DDT’d Stephanie McMahon, but Gaston stabbed up The Beast on his home turf, but not before trying to lock Belle’s dad (Crazy Old Maurice) in an insane asylum…

…all because she wouldn’t marry him!

Now that’s a great wrestling story. Plus, Celine Dion does the entrance music. You’re just not topping that.

(sorry Shaman.)

Now, for some bonus randomry, here are some more of my favorite professional wrestling/sports entertainment couples:

1. Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Miss Elizabeth- Duh.

2. Andrew “Test” Martin and Stephanie McMahon- I know the I.W.C. can’t stand Stephanie, but back when she was dating Test (Rest in Peace), she was adorable. I’m not gonna lie tho’, I was crushed when she teamed up with Triple H and got all sluttay. I was even more crushed when she started dating Hunter in real life. I was even morely MORE crushed when they got married, and when Hunter kept knocking Steph up… *sigh* I’ve just never had a crush get decimated like that before. I… We… You know what? Let’s just move on.

3. Chyna and “Latino Heat” Eddy Guerrero- This was a fun pairing from what I remember. I liked seeing Eddy all happy and silly, and it was nice seeing Chyna in a role as “desired woman”, especially since I could vividly recall how she looked pre-op. To recap: She was not cute.

4. Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher- Not because they’re a couple, or even all that interesting, but because I love her.

5. Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire- There are few moments that left me as hurt, shocked, and confused in professional wrestling. Few moments that rattle me to the core and make me question what’s right in this world. On this list Sapphire betraying Dusty Rhodes by leaving his side after a bribe from “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. The pained cry of “Thaf-fiyah! Thaf-fiyah!” haunts me ’til this day.

Haunts me. Until. This day.

*shudder*

Anyway, that’s the list. I… What? No, no.

I just have something in my eye.

Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!

We open with a video package. Abyss is lamenting the return of Rob Van Dam. Rob is talking about how he’s gonna take out Abyss. Abyss says that on 10/10/10, he and Janice are going to slaughter R.V.D.

Today’s episode is called: “The One Where We Are Eliminating The Monster.”

Kurt Angle is backstage on the phone. He tells Hulk that he guarantees he’s going to win the TNA Championship. He says he won’t let Hogan down, and that the cage match with Abyss tonite will be taken care of. He says he’s gonna annihilate Abyss before some backstage dude tells him he has to go. He tells Hogan to take care of his back and then heads to the platform for his entrance. That was pretty cool.

Kurt is on the way to the ring. He says he knows Hulk Hogan is in a hospital recovering from another back surgery. He says to get well soon and that the Impact Zone misses him. I miss Hulk. Kurt thanks Hogan for having confidence in him. Says he’s 10 days away from accomplishing his ultimate goal, and that only two men are standing in his way–Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. Kurt calls them both great competitors but “Bound For Glory” will be his night to shine. Angle thanks Hogan for believing in him to carry TNA into the new year. He says he won’t let Hulk down.

Kurt speaks on Abyss, says he’s caused way too much damage. Says he took out the then-champion of TNA, Rob Van Dam, and then last week he took out Jeff Hardy, one of the top contenders. Angle says that while Abyss is talking about 10/10/10, he needs to be concerned with 9/30/2010. Tonite it’s gonna be Angle vs Abyss in a cage match.

Just then, Abyss comes out to the ring and Kurt runs to meet him. Punches are exchanged before Abyss starts throwing Angle into the set. Kurt fires back with punches on Abyss. Angle and Abyss move to backstage with Kurt in control…right up until Abyss irish whips him into a wall! Abyss takes off his jacket and uses a nearby ladder to hit Kurt. Abyss grabs a chair but Angle grabs it. Funny moment: Abyss puts his hands up for a headshot with the chair, then turns around to feed Kurt his back. Nice.

Kurt smacks Abyss with the chair a couple of times. Abyss collapses, and Angle works him over with some more punches. Also, there hasn’t been a joke yet because I’m too busy trying to capture all of the action. Don’t worry, I’ll get to my Jokey Jokemaker bits soon enough. Kurt starts choking out Abyss, and I’m surprised that Abyss is getting his ass handed to him like that. No sooner than I say that, Abyss hits Angle in the junk. Abyss then smacks Angle’s head into the lockers back stage, but then Angle returns the groin shot favor. Security–and D’lo–break it up, and I notice that D’Lo looks like Turk from Scrubs…if Turk completely let himself go. No shots, D’lo.

We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening, which I use to take a moment to be sore from the gym today. My goodness, I kicked my own ass. Oh! Good news tho’! My father’s medicaid went thru and we’ll be kicking the crap out of his Prostate Cancer very soon. An advert for “Bound For Glory” is shown. I wish I knew what date that was on.

Impact be back, D’Lo, Al Snow, and some other dude are talking to Kurt Angle, but Abyss jumps thru the agents to attack Angle again. They’re still fighting, and Kurt says he’s got Abyss’ number. So, if Abyss gets a mysterious call asking if he has Prince Albert in a can, he’ll know who it is.

We’re back to the Impact Zone, and out comes “The Tennessee Cowboy” James Storm and Robert Roode (not sure when James got that nickname), along with the rest of Fourtune–Ric Flair, The Blueprint Matt Morgan, Kazarian, Doug Williams and A.J. Styles. Tommy Dreamer and Rhino are out next, with E.V. 2.0

It’s Beer Money vs Tommy Dreamer and Rhino in a Lumberjack Match!

Rhino and Dreamer run to the ring and all four men are brawling to start. Dreamer and Roode get the match part of the match started, and Roode gets his head slammed into the Rhino’s foot. Dreamer tags in Rhino, they hit a double elbow, and then Rhino takes over. Big back body drop on Roode, and Rhino sets up the Gore. Roode drops down to the floor but Sabu hits him and sends him back into the ring.

Rhino gets caught in the Beer Money corner and Storm hits a big kick and Rhino is down. Roode makes the tag, Storm gets in a couple of kicks that get a two count. Roode gets the tag, and starts working on Rhino with punches and short knees (like short clotheslines, but with a knee). Back suplex gets two for Roode, and then Storm comes in for a double suplex. Beer Money taunt Dreamer and the crowd and do their little “Beer!” “Money!” dance/shout.

Rhino gets thrown to the outside and Fourtune puts the boots to him. Rhino, back in, kicks out of a Storm cover at two. Roode is tagged in and stomps away on Rhino. Roode with a bearhug on Rhino, who powers out with punches. Rhino hits a beautiful high belly-to-belly suplex. Rhino makes the tag to Dreamer, who kicks Roode and hits a neckbreaker on James Storm. Storm goes for a superkick, doesn’t connect, and Dreamer gets a crossface on Storm. Roode breaks it up and in comes Rhino. Rhino clotheslines Roode out and follows him over the top, and that sets off a brawl between Fourtune and E.V. 2.0.

Back in the ring, A.J. Styles jumps in to spit beer in Dreamer’s face. Storm goes for the codebreaker but only gets two. It’s at this point that Taz says that Brian Kendrick (out with E.V. 2.0)looks like a jedi cuz he’s in a white robe. Back in the ring, Tommy Dreamer nails a DreamerDriver on Storm and gets the pin!

Your winners: Tommy Dreamer and Rhino

Post-match, Sabu jumps from chair to top rope to on top of the brawling Fourtune and E.V. 2.0. Just then, Mick Foley grabs the mic! He says that’s enough, and that he doesn’t wanna see any more fighting outside the ring. He wants to see two individuals inside the ring. He says he and Flair have been going around and around for a long time, and it’s time they had a resolution to their differences. He invites Flair into the ring. He says he and Flair need to have a conversation, which is coming up next.

We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to lament the sheer volume of spaghetti and veal parmigiana I had for dinner. My eyes are bigger than my stomach, and my brain is sometimes smaller than my eyes. Because, you see, I ate too much. Bah.

Impact has returned Flair and Mick Foley are in the ring. Mick says he wants to talk to Ric Flair the man, not the self-professed wrestling god. Ric says that, just like Superman, he can turn that costume around. He asks what Foley wants to talk about, then calls him an asshole. Mick says that the time has come for Ric Flair and Mick Foley to, after 21 years, to end their differences. Mick says that resolution needs to be seen live on national television. Mick says he’s asking Ric Flair–the man–to meet him in the ring one week from tonite, when they go live, to have a one on one match for the very last time.

Flair doesn’t respond. Instead, he just rolls out of the ring and grabs a copy of Countdown to Lockdown from a nearby fan. Ric asks if Mick, the best-selling author, the father of the year, the couch potato, wants to wrestle Ric Flair. Ric drops the book on the mat and drops an elbow on it. And a knee. And then kicks it out of the ring. Ric says the answer is yes, and calls Mick a son of a bitch. He then asks Mick how he’s gonna get out of it.

Mick says he’s not gonna try to get himself out of it and he’ll tell Ric why (I’ll have you know I paused it here to type that last bit. Mick’s got his “Epic Promo” face on, and I wanna catch it from jump street). He says he is a wrestler and a father, but he hasn’t been a good wrestler in a long time. He says there’s a book review that says the writing is great but they wonder if Foley loved wrestling as much as he loved his family, giving, and his outside interests. Mick says that up until a few weeks ago the answer would’ve been no. He says that when Ric put him on the spot, he felt a burning he hadn’t felt in years. He says as much as he hates to admit it, he need Ric Flair to bring out the best in him.

Ric says that’s what he does for a living. He makes everyone around him better. Ric starts punching himself in the face, then Mick does, and now they’re both busted wide open. Ric says that Mick is out of shape. Mick says for Ric to take his best shot. Ric says he’s gonna have his whole family at ringside next week. He says they’ll be there to see the end of Foley and E.V. 2.0. Flair says Dreamer told him that he was hardcore, then calls Mick a stupid bastard. Mick says it took Ric 40 years to figure out he was hardcore so he’s the stupid bastard.

Mick said that in TNA, Ric has had the chance to speak his mind. Mick says Ric is renewed. Ric says he loves that Mick’s balls are big again, but next week he’s gonna beat Foley within an inch of his life. Um… Anyway, Mick says he doesn’t like Ric, but he doesn’t hate him. He says next Thursday, for Ric to do him the favor of facing him in… in… a Last Man Standing match! Whoa! Ric asks if two men walk to the ring, only one comes back? He’s in. Ric then says if Foley beats him he’ll kiss Mick’s ass. Ric shadow boxes, air humps, then screams “Wooooo!” and exits the ring. Mick says one week from tonite he’ll see Flair in the ring. Mick lets off a couple “Bang Bang!” shouts aaannd they cut.

Mr. Anderson is backstage with Eric Bischoff wondering why he hasn’t heard from Hulk Hogan. He says all he hears is Kurt Angle. Bischoff says that Hulk goes with what he knows, and that he carried a company on his back for years, something Angle has also done. Bischoff says he’s got confidence in Mr. Anderson, and that’s why he booked him in a match with Samoa Joe. Eric says he knows Anderson will prove to Hulk Hogan and the world that he can lead the company. Anderson says he’d bet on himself tonite, and next week at the “Bound For Glory” $100,000 Battle Royal. They shakes hands and part ways.

Still to come: Abyss vs Kurt Angle in a steel cage match.

Up next: Generation Me vs Ink Inc.

They cut to the Motor City Machine Guns walking in the back, and it looks like Alex Shelley has returned! Nice!

We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening, which I use to check my twitter page. Jersey Shore is on, so of course everyone is talking about it. *sigh* Oh, and if you’re that curious to read my ravings on politics, wrestling, music, white folks, girls, and the minutiae of my day, you can follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/ElKatook (it’s spanish for “The Katook”).

Impact is biggity biggity back with Taz “Michael” Michaels and Mike “I kinda look like a younger Mr. Burns” Tenay, who are running down the “Bound For Glory” card. From there, Ink Inc. comes out. Their mohawks intrigue me, but not enough to try to grow one. Jesse Neal has a tongue ring. Mm-Hmm. Generation Me is out next and they have one of the tag belts. They show the vicious DDT on Chris Sabin last week.

It’s Generation Me (Max and Jeremy Buck) vs Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal)

Jeremy and Shannon start off, and J-Buck is in control until he takes a couple of nice armdrags by Moore. Moore drops a leg on Jeremy’s midsection but only gets a one count. Max Buck is tagged in, and then Moore tags in Neal. Ink Inc. hits a double elbow, then Moore hiptosses Neal on top of Max. Two count for Neal, but after a minute, Max Buck lands funny and jumps to the outside. Ahhhh, trickery! He wasn’t really hurt! He goes back to the ring and starts punching Neal.

Jeremy is tagged in and he sends Neal into the turnbuckle head-first and then chokes him. Neal fights back with some high forearms to the Bucks, but Max gets tagged in. Max goes for a pin but only gets two. Max has Neal in a headlock and the Impact crowd starts rhythmically clapping. Standing seated dropkick by Max, who tags in Jeremy, who gets a two count. Another tag into Max, but Neal ducks a clothesline and the Bucks collide! Tag to Moore who hits some leg lariats and a sick spin kick on Max buck. Moore goes for the pin but Jeremy breaks it up. Double huracanrana by Moore onto Generation Me! Moore hits a springboard moonsault, but again Jeremy breaks up the count. Neal is in, but he misses a spear in the corner and hits his shoulder. Max kicks Moore in the junk, and then gets the pin.

Winners: Generation Me

Post-Match, Generation Me starts whomping on the prone Ink Inc. fellas. The crowd boos, the bell rings, but Generation Me don’t stop the assault until the Motor City Machine Guns hit the ring! Awesome! Sabin gets his belt back, and Generation Me sneers from the ramp. Nice.

Samoa Joe is walking to the ring, says he appreciates the favor Hogan and Bischoff have done for him. He figures that since Mr. Anderson is one of the #1 Contenders for the TNA World Championship, a win over him will propel him into the title scene. Joe then says that Mr. Anderson was right about one thing: Anderson is an asshole. That was pretty cool.

Up next: Mr. Anderson takes on Samoa Joe!

We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. This might not come as a big surprise, but I’m thinking about boobs. And massages. My goodness, I needs me a massage. If any of my loyal readers have more money than they know what to do with, please buy me a massage chair. I promise it’ll go to good use.

Impact hath returned! The Motor City Machine Guns are in the back. Alex Shelley says that Generation Me can have a tag match at “Bound For Glory”, but they won’t win. He says next week they’ll get revenge on Generation Me in the $100,000 Battle Royale. The Guns are, hands down, the most exciting folks in pro wrestling today.

We cut to the Impact Zone. Mr. Anderson is out, and an “Ass-hole! Ass-hole!” chant breaks out. Anderson says he’s “Bound For Glory” on “Ken/Ken/Ken.” He makes people wait for the second Anderson, and I still enjoy that bit. I like Mr. Anderson. Out next is Samoa Joe. I like everything about him except the eventual “Joe’s Gon-na Kill You!” chant.

It’s Mr. Anderson vs Samoa Joe.

Wait! Before that, “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero is headed down to the ring. Ahh, I spoke too soon, Dinero is headed to the announce position…and so are Kevin Nash and Sting. This…is gonna be tough to follow.

Anderson and Joe square off, Joe hits some punches to Anderson in the corner. Anderson is positively peppered with pulverizing punches that are punishing the ‘pponent of the pudgy pugilist, Samoa Joe. Anderson eats a big kick by Joe in the corner, and Joe takes a cautious glance towards the announce position. Joe stays on the offensive with some kicks and a big chop to Anderson in the corner.

Anderson takes over in the corner, some kicks and a choke, but Joe fires back with a big double arm takedown of Anderson. Joe then scrapes his boot along Anderson’s face, and this is a spectacular asskicking Anderson is taking. Very stiff. Samoa Joe gets a two count as the fans have dueling, alternating “Let’s Go Asshole!”/”Let’s Go Joe!” chants. Joe telegraphs a backdrop and Anderson hits a kick, a clothesline, and a dropkick on him. Anderson gets a two count while “”The Pope”” yammers away.

Joe has Anderson in a sleeperhold-esque choke. The crowd is clapping, willing Mr. Anderson to break the hold. Anderson hits a jawjacker, then nails the Mic Check outta nowhere for the pin. Wow.

Winner: Mr. Anderson…Anderson…Cleary…Anderson.

Post-Match, Nash comes down to the ring with Sting’s bat. Nash asks Joe to join him and Sting, says it’s Joe’s last chance.

We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening. I gotta admit, this has been a pretty solid show so far. An advert for Get Him To The Greek‘s DVD release is shown. I enjoyed that movie. I didn’t think I would, but I did. See… Here’s how it works. I was just thinking that there was eye candy in GHTTG, but I couldn’t remember if there was any nudity. Then I wondered if there would be any nudity in an unrated edition of the movie. Then I started thinking about boobs. I swear I’m not a pervert, I’m just easily lead down the path to bosoms!

Impact is the opposite of front! Nash is imploring Joe to use his head after Joe makes a move for him. Back in the ring, Nash says that bad things happen to bad people, and that it’s funny how Hogan is in the hospital. Nash says Sting has been telling people for 7 months what’s been going on. Nash says the three gentlemen in the ring know exactly what’s going on.

“”The Pope”” says that with the Stinger and Nash, there are two guys who’ve been around the block, two wolves who’ve lead their own pack. Dinero says Bischoff is trying to pull the wool over the eyes of Mr. Pimptasticness. He calls Eric a son of a bischoff, then says that Nash and himself are not new to the game, but true to the game.

Sting grabs the mic and says that the thing with Hogan started a long time ago, back in WCW. The classic case of good vs evil. Sting asks if the crowd to come out to see the good guys or the bad guys. The crowd cheers for the bad guys. Sting says people wanna know who’s wearing the black hat and who’s wearing the black hat. Sting wants to add to the Nash’n’Sting vs Jarrett’n’Samoa Joe match. He wants to turn it into a six man tag match, adding “”The Pope”” to Sting and Nash, while Hogan teams with Jarrett and Joe. Sting says he wants to show the world what’s really going on.

Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come out to the ring. I love Miss Tessmacher so, so, so, so much. Anyhoo, Bischoff says it’s disappointing how, before the biggest pay-per-view of the year, Sting, Nash, and Dinero, are showing their true colors. He says he knows Sting and Nash are at the end of their careers and he gets that. He says that “”The Pope”” is still “green behind the ears.” Bischoff says that fifteen years ago Sting didn’t wanna work with younger talent, that he was being selfish. Bischoff says Nash has always been the same–self serving and all about him. Bischoff says “”The Pope”” disappoints him the most because he had a shot at the belt, lost along the way, and bitches about it after coming up short. Bischoff says that the conspiracy Dinero thought up is all in his head. Bischoff calls all three men cowards for calling out Hogan, who is out in the hospital with a bad back. Eric says Hogan will be at Impact next week, and he’ll answer the challenge in front of the whole world, and he hopes Dinero, Sting and Nash like his answer. Rey says that this storyline still doesn’t make a ton of sense, but at least they’re slowwlllyyy explaining more.

We cut to the back where “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles is with Ric Flair (still in a bloody t-shirt from the self-punchingness). Styles is yelling about Brian Kendrick’s apparent death wish–his hanging out with E.V. 2.0. Styles says he’s gonna rip his head off. He wants Kendrick in the ring tonite, and he’s putting up the TV Title to entice him. A.J. then “Ices” Ric Flair, and white people game or otherwise, that’s fucking hysterical. Ric downs a Smirnoff Ice and then “Woo’s” for us.

Still to come: Abyss vs Kurt Angle in a Steel Cage!

We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening. My friend Dom (my co-star in “The Rey And Dom Show“) is on the phone with me. He’s walking home talking about his day. Twas a good conversation, but it took about 20 minutes. It’s now after midnight. *sigh* The things I do for you people–and by “you people” I mean “minorities.”

Impact returns with a recap of the NY and Rahway shows, showing Jay Lethal losing the X-Division title to Amazing Red, and then beating Red the next day to win it.

We cut to the back, Madison Rayne and Tara are sitting down with Miss Tessmacher. Apparently she’s mediating the issues between Mad-Ray, Tara, and The Beautiful People. Speaking of which, in come the beautiful ones: Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Lacey Von Erich! Whoa, is it just me, or did everyone’s pants just get tight?

(that’s right, ladies. i’m single.)

Security settles the girls done, and Tessmacher lets people know she can fire any of them. Tessmacher says that Mad-Ray needs a waiver to allow Tara in the ring. Mad-Ray says she’s gonna do whatever she needs to do to keep Tara around. Velvet laughs at Rayne saying there’s a trust factor there. There are six hot women in the room bickering and junk. Mmm.

Tessmacher says there’s no trust in this business, it’s competition, not a BFF club. Tessmacher says Eric Bischoff says there’ll be a four-way match at “Bound For Glory” for Angelina Love’s TNA Knockouts Title. Tessmacher has security escort them all out. Um… they didn’t say who was going to compete in the match. Tessmacher gets a phone call from someone… Something is happening in twenty minutes, and someone is getting “the usual.” Tessmacher licks her lips, and I pass out.

Back to the Impact Zone, and out comes Brian Kendrick, still in his Jedi outfit. Taz says Tenay is a big Star Wars buff, and Mike Tenay’s stock goes up. “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles is out next. Ric Flair comes out to the announce position and plugs his match with Mick Foley. He says to consider Mick Foley gone after next Thursday. Ric calls himself a real-life god and walks away.

It’s “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles (c) vs Brian Kendrick for the TNA Television Title!

A.J. has Kendrick in a headlock to start. Kendrick goes for a dropkick but Styles moves out of the way. Kendrick takes over tho’, hits a forearm and a dropkick. Kendrick gets a roll up but only a two count. A.J. hits a back suplex and is now in control, choking Kendrick on the rope. The Blueprint Matt Morgan, who accompanied Flair out, also chokes Kendrick while Styles distracts the referee.

Dueling alternating “Bri-an Ken-drick”/”A.J. Sty-les!” chants are happening, and Kendrick hits a couple of dropkicks before taking a Styles elbow to the grill. Kendrick hits another kick and a picture-perfect tornado DDT. Kendrick up to the top rope but jumps onto Matt Morgan on the outside! Styles goes for a suicide dive on Kendrick, but Kendrick hits a kick to A.J. as he was going thru the ropes.

Kendrick is back in the ring and climbs to the top. Morgan knocks Kendrick off the top rope and A.J. Styles hits the Styles Clash for the pin.

We cut to Abyss and Janice backstage. Abyss says Angle won’t make it to “Bound For Glory”, and then says he accepts Rob Van Dom’s challenge. Abyss then says he wants to make it a Monster’s Ball match. Abyss encourages R.V.D. to enter the $100,000 Battle Royal next week so he and Janice can shred Van Dam like lettuce. I hope he means Romaine Lettuce, because Iceberg lettuce, while being a negative calorie food, has no nutritional value.

We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening. It’s quarter to one in the morning, which means it’s–you guessed it–ice water and bathroom break time! Oh, also, that horror flick where the villain sounds like “Super Shredder” is called My Soul To Take. I will not be viewing this fine feature film. Also, it’s October 1st. Why in the heck do I still need my air conditioner? Someone needs to get those assholes from the Right and ask them if they think Global Warming is a myth now.

As I take solace in the coldness of my ice water, replete with ice, Impact returns. They congratulate Richard G. of Calabasas, California, who has won a trip to “Bound For Glory.” They cut to Rob Van Dam, who says it might not have been the smartest idea to return, but he’s always been about putting his body on the line. He says it’s up to the doctors and the universe, but he’s confident he’ll make his return and face Abyss at 10/10/10.

They show the cage set up for Angle vs Abyss, then show an advert for next week’s live–LIVE!–TNA Impact, “Before the Glory” that will feature the $100,000 Battle Royale, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky will take on Madison Rayne and Tara for the rights to The Beautiful People. Also, apparently “The Shore” will debut. Also Also, Mick Foley vs Ric Flair in a Last Man Standing match.

We cut to the Impact Zone where Abyss and Janice (the 2×4 with nails hammered into it) make their way down to the ring. Kurt Angle is out next.

It’s Abyss vs Kurt Angle…in a Steel Cage!

The referees lock the cage door and we are underway! Angle goes to work on Abyss with some punches in the corner. Kurt throws Abyss into the cage and throws some more punches. Kurt hits the ropes but Abyss pancakes Kurt Angle with a big shoulderblock. Abyss hits some punches on Angle in the corner. The crowd starts a “Let’s Go An-gle, clap-clap-clapclapclap” chant, and Kurt comes back. He sends Abyss headfirst into the cage again and Abyss is rattled. Also, I am suddenly overcome with a desire for Hooters Chicken Wings. Also, to answer the question, yes, I really do go for the wings.

Uh oh, back in the ring, Kurt Angle has Janice! Instead of using it on Abyss, he tosses it out of the ring.

We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening. Is anyone else sick of all the car insurance commercials out there? The Geico Lizard and Serrano are cool, the progressive chick is C.G.I. (1) status, but Mexican Tom Cruise and his State Farm commercials are really annoying. It’s like the bad old days in the 1990s when Bell Atlantic/Verizon, Sprint, and MCI were battling for phone service, or the later 90s when 10-10-220 or 10-10-321 commercials were e-very-where.

Back on Impact, Abyss hits a big boot to the face of a charging Kurt Angle. Abyss sends Kurt Angle into the turnbuckle, and then head-first into the cage. Ouchville. Abyss tosses Angle into the cage again and the crowd boos. Kurt is busted wide open and Abyss starts punching him right on the cut. Kurt is bleeding like crazy. Mmm. I’ll admit, I don’t like bloodless cage matches, but seeing a dude with his head bleeding in HD…is kind of disturbing. There has to be a happy medium. I say we bring back the fake blood. Someone send these guys some corn syrup!

Abyss goes to ram Angle’s head in the cage again, but Kurt wiggles out and chop-blocks Abyss. Kurt follows that up with some punches and then heads to the top rope to nail a frog splash! Splashy splash gets a two-count and Kurt’s wearing the proverbial crimson mask. Kurt charges Abyss, Abyss tries to set him up for a chokeslam, but Kurt rolls out and tries an ankle-lock. Abyss gets out of the ankle-lock and hits a chokeslam! Chokeslam gets a two count and both men are struggling to get to their feet.

Both men in opposite corners, Abyss charges, Angle ducks and goes for Angle Slam. Abyss slides out and then hits the Shock Treatment! Shock Treatment gets a two count. Abyss positions Angle and then heads to the top rope. Abyss tries a splash but Angle moves. Kurt hits an Angle Slam but Abyss kicks out at two. Angle has the ref open the cage, as an escape will win him the match. Kurt stops the ref and then climbs to the top of the cage. Abyss is up, and we’re out of time on Impact!

We pick up with Reaction, and Abyss has taken out Referee Brian Hebner. Angle jumps at Abyss and both men are down. Abyss slowly rolls to his knees and then drives Kurt’s head into the cage…again. Angle climbs to his feet but gets chokeslammed for his insolence. That’s “insolence” and not “insulin”, cuz it’d be pretty fucked up of Abyss to get mad at a diabetic or using his medicine.

Ref’s out, Angle’s down, and out comes…Mr. Anderson? Anderson climbs over the top of the cage and starts punching on Abyss. Abyss counters tho’ by smacking Anderson’s face into the cage a couple of times and hitting the Black Hole Slam. Crowd chants for “Har-dy! Har-dy!” but so far Jeff is nowhere to be found. Abyss rips the door right off the cage and walks out. Um, this kinda makes him the winner, but nothing is announced. Abyss grabs Janice but Angle is up and hits Abyss with some punches.

Kurt grabs Janice, Abyss lumbers out of the ring, and…we’re done? Wow.

Winner: Match was a No Contest.

I thought this episode was pretty solid for the most part. The Foley promo was good, but it didn’t go where I thought it’d be. Either way, I’ll be tuning in next week (as a fan and as a “reporter”). Some angles were furthered excellently (MCMG-Generation Me), some were just kinda furthered (Sting/Nash/Pope vs Bischoff/Joe/Jarrett), and some had no real oomph added (World Title Scenario). I’m looking forward to next week’s live Impact and the pay-per-view three days after that. I’ve got my fingers crossed for some cool stuff!

On a side note, before I go, I’m gonna be at Huntington’s Book Revue tomorrow evening (well, this evening, it’s officially Friday, albeit the wee hours of) to get a copy of Mick Foley’s new book, Countdown to Lockdown and to meet the author (and giver of furniture!) himself.

This has been…

…wait for it…

…waaaaiiitt for it…

…Suspension of Disbelief.

Rey Mundo is new to the world of the I.W.C., but what he lacks in experience he makes up for in obscure references and a passing resemblance to Goldberg The Goalie from The Mighty Ducks franchise.

(1) Can Get It

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,