For Your Considerationâ€¦The RAW Judicial Review for 10/11/10
Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, them-ignoring column on the interweb today. I am your great taste, less filling host Andrew Wheeler, and Iâ€™ve got a big column for you. Well, itâ€™s a pretty standard column and I promise every week is going to be â€œbigâ€, but if the WWE can promote Smackdownâ€™s lukewarm ratings as big news, I can call my column a â€œbigâ€ column. Got it? Good.
So, with so many stories floating around the world, itâ€™s gonna be tough to figure out where to begin. Oh waitâ€¦
THEM Crooked Wrestlers
10/10/10 came and went and we now know who THEM are. We are now privy to who THEY were, and no, it wasnâ€™t me Austin, it was me all along. It was a consortium of people weâ€™ve already seen on television for months who revealed themselves to be the masterminds despite the fact that most of the world pretty much guessed it weeks ago. THEM, for those of you who read my column only (which shows how I can demonstrate a Luger-esque level of narcissism), were Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett, Abyss and Jeff Hardy.
Look, we all know the lyrics to this song. TNAwful backed itself into a corner by having Abyss talk about how â€œtheyâ€ were coming all those months ago without locking down who â€œtheyâ€ were. At the same time Not-Kane was screeching about revolutionaries coming, there were rumors that Paul Heyman was being offered the keys to the castle. Then we come to find out that rather than giving Paul the run of the place, Dixie â€œNot the Katâ€ Carter was offering him a broken vase and asking him to fix it without superglue.
As we all know, Heyman politely told them to take a long walk off a short scaffold. Despite that, Dixie and TNA continued to pursue Paul like Screech seeking out Lisa Turtle. And, just like on â€œSaved by the Bellâ€, the desperate nerd was shot down. Paul Heyman demanded complete creative control, but Dixie outright refused. She said he could do whatever he wantedâ€¦as long as he kept Vince Russo, Hulk Hogan and the cavalcade of aging (read: decomposing) roster. Now I know Paul could have booked some fairly compelling television with these characters, but why the hell would he? I know that David Mamet could write the best episode of â€œAccording to Jimâ€ ever, but at the end of the day itâ€™s still â€œAccording to Jimâ€.
Paul Heyman took to the Internet to say he wasnâ€™t taking the job. Repeatedly. Seriously, everywhere you turn, you heard Heyman saying that he wanted nothing to do with the mess running from an amusement park in Orlando. That was all well and good for Paul, who was able to win some more brownie points with the â€˜net by making it known that he was forsaking an easy payday (mainly because his current role as Brock Lesnarâ€™s autobiographer/hanger-on is already an easy payday). It wasnâ€™t so good for TNA, who was hoping that Paul and his former bingo hall buddies would be the â€œtheyâ€.
Rather than completely abandon the ECW idea, Dixie smartly decided to run an ECW reunion show. Why was it smart? Because it got some eyeballs. Hell, there was more written about TNA on this site during that stretch than had ever been written about anything TNA-related, sans Hogan. Running a show that was going to guarantee some morbid interest is enough to raise the needle a bit.
Once the ECW show had come and gone (not to mention TNAâ€™s decision to keep most of them around as EV 2.0), it was clear that TNA was once again lost. Worst of all, they still needed to figure out who the mystery forces would be.
Having Bischoff, Hogan and Jarrett unite to take down Dixie Carter isnâ€™t the worst idea in the world. TNA at one point had four different â€œauthorityâ€ groups running around, which is a terrible idea. We had Mick Foley as some sort of commissioner, Jeff Jarrett as the founder, Dixie Carter as the owner and Hogan/Bischoff asâ€¦the guys in charge.
Kinda makes WWEâ€™s decision to have GMail seem brilliant, doesnâ€™t it?
TNA reduced their leadership pool by taking out Foley and Jarrett, but that still left Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter in charge. WWE can get away with having a GM and having Vince, but TNA canâ€™t. TNA needs one voice representing the entire company so that the audience can learn who our â€œauthority figureâ€ is.
By having Hogan, Bischoff and Jarrett join together, there is now a three-headed EVIL entity running TNA. This works out well because those three guys are very good in the heel role. Bischoff just doesnâ€™t play the face well because, frankly, he was made to play the asshole. Ericâ€™s â€œIâ€™m better than thisâ€ attitude is what heels are made of. Hogan as a heel works too because most people blame him for ruining TNA anyway, so why not let them know how they feel. Jarrettâ€™s heel turn is a bit surprising when you consider that he was so good as the sympathetic widower who was doing everything he could to keep his dream company afloat, but the thought of him ripping into Dixie Carter for mismanaging TNA could be great. You know, except for the fact that heâ€™s now aligned with the two guys who were most responsible for damaging everything.
As Glazer pointed out earlier (a fact that frustrates me to no end because I wrote all of this before he even put his column up), turning Jeff Hardy heel was truly foolish. Why? Because Jeff Hardy isnâ€™t so much a wrestler as he is a merchandise machine.
Anyone who has ever read me knows that Iâ€™m not the biggest Jeff Hardy fan. I think heâ€™s sloppy in the ring, I think heâ€™s lazy and I think heâ€™s selfish. When Jeff tries, he can put on entertaining matches, but throughout his career he tends to go into a malaise. Despite that, he moves merch. He sells t-shirts and headbands and posters and all that crap. Because of his high-flying moves, teens like him. Because of his face paint and mannerisms, kids like him. Because of his (questionable) looks, girls like him. He crosses the boundaries unlike anyone else on the TNA roster. Best of all, TNA didnâ€™t have to do anything to get him over because the WWE already did all the legwork for them.
Vince worked for years to convince us that Jeff Hardy was a legitimate main eventer. Then, once Jeff finally makes it to the top of the world, he gets busted for drugs. He screwed Smackdown out of itâ€™s top star, he screwed CM Punk out of a rival and he screwed the WWE with DVD sales for his latest video.
Somehow, despite all of this bad stigma, Jeff gets a job in TNA. Well, I say somehow, but deep down we all understand what happened. TNA needed a high flying main eventer and since they were unaware that they had AJ Styles on their roster already, they signed the fugitive Hardy. I, for one, canâ€™t fault them. They got a recognized name at a bargain-basement price. Sure, heâ€™s a risk, but heâ€™s a risk worth taking.
Jeff was kept from the TNA Title because of his pending drug case. You canâ€™t have your companyâ€™s main babyface disappear from television because heâ€™s going to the pokey. So, to combat this, TNA brought in Rob Van Dam to take the role as the indifferent high flier.
Bound For Glory is, as the clichÃ© goes, TNAâ€™s version of Wrestlemania. With all of that self-created pressure, TNA needed to deliver. Their best idea was to put on a main event featuring three former WWE stars that we kinda recognize. Kurt Angle is the grizzled veteran who, but for a failing body and a repetitive style, would be the best wrestler in the world. Ken Andersonnedy is the one that got away from the WWE. He seems like a main event kinda guy, and while he cannot necessarily deliver in the ring as much as people would like, heâ€™s gold on the mic and can get the audience to bow to his every desire. And finally, thereâ€™s Mr. Hardy, the guy they have a hard-on to put the belt on but canâ€™t risk giving him the gold.
Or can they?
By turning Hardy heel, TNA figured all of their problems were solved. First, a heel can carry the gold and then vanish from television to go to jail and all will be alright because weâ€™re already told to boo him. Second, it gives Rob Van Dam someone to feud with, because you canâ€™t have RVD feud with Kennedy or Angle since theyâ€™re all good guys and good guys canâ€™t be fightinâ€™ good guys in the 21st Century. Finally, it pays of the â€œtheyâ€ nonsense with something surprising.
See, stupid can equal surprising. Jeff Hardy is now hovering around Black Scorpion territory, as I highly doubt that the decision to turn Jeff was made earlier than two weeks ago. Hogan and Bischoff turning is a bit of a swerve in that they kinda were the faces of the company anyway. The seeds were laid for Ericâ€™s betrayal when Dixie Carter kept emasculating him during the whole Angle/Hardy deal. Hoganâ€™s a convincing heel and his current role as babyface figurehead just felt a little forced and dull. Even Jarrettâ€™s decision to align with the people who excommunicated him to begin with could be compelling television. But the Hardy thing reeks of desperation from a company that had nothing better to do.
I am usually the one to warn against knee-jerk reactions, saying that they are the tools of the mark. But here? I think having an immediate reaction is appropriate. The Hardy turn doesnâ€™t give TNA what they think theyâ€™re going to get, which is how I judge everything. At the end of the day, itâ€™s the same question, â€œDoes this help or hurt the product?â€ And this? This hurts the product.
TNA is voluntarily giving up an over Jeff Hardy and his legions of merchandise-buying fans. TNA is undercutting Fortune, who should be running house. Fortune is quite possibly one of the best initial ideas in TNA history. Their roster is about as talented as it gets. So of course instead of having them hold all the gold, theyâ€™re jobbing to the ECW guys.
At the end of Bound for Glory, the guys who got the most exposure were EV2.0, Bischoff, Hogan, Jarrett, Hardy, Nash and Sting. See, now we all know that Nash and Sting knew all along. That puts THEM over. Maybe The Pope will get a residual rub, but I doubt it. In the 21st Century, weâ€™re about to relive Sting versus Evil Heel Leaders. This is wrestling?
Running on Diesel Fumes
Kevin Nash, via his Twitter account, has said that heâ€™s just about done in TNA. Storyline wise, heâ€™ll probably get written out as the first major casualty of EHL (the aforementioned Evil Heel Leaders), which isnâ€™t a terrible way to establish them as the bad guys. Reality wise, itâ€™s good to know that Nash and his broken-down body isnâ€™t going to be in a wrestling ring again.
I doubt that heâ€™s done for good, but his time as a full-time worker is certainly over. The question most folks will ask is why. Iâ€™m not entirely certain, but I have a theory.
Kevin Nash, believe it or not, cares about his reputation. He tried to position himself in TNA as the guy willing to work with the â€œlittleâ€ guys, since his reputation in WCW was that of the guy unwilling to work with â€œlesserâ€ talent. Heâ€™s continued to position himself as a â€œteam playerâ€. Now, with his knee shot and his body aching, he realized that the time in the ring is almost over.
His solution? Retire before 2011. Why? Well, whatâ€™s happening in 2011? Wrestlemania 27, from Atlanta, Georgia. The rumors circulating are that the 2011 Hall of Fame class is going to be a WCW-Heavy group, headlined by Bill Goldberg. Nash views this as a great opportunity to get into the Hall of Fame, which is a great payday. Kevin Nash back under the House of Vince means that he could probably get a DVD of his career made, which is the new badge of honor. Vince owns all of Kevinâ€™s good stuff, and certainly having Shawn and Hunter as talking-head interviews wonâ€™t hurt when it comes to padding Nashâ€™s rep.
Kevin got his money and is now getting while the gettingâ€™s good. I canâ€™t blame him one bit, and I hope that by April Iâ€™ll be writing about him entering the Hall of Fame. Thatâ€™ll be my wish when I get in front of the Great and Powerful Oz. (Yep, I went there)
Just a friendly reminder that you can find me on all of the â€œcoolâ€ and â€œhipâ€ social networks out there: you can friend me on the Sorkin-chronicled Facebook, follow me on the Shatner-fied Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), e-mail me at the Meg Ryan approved firstname.lastname@example.org, or just post in the comment section below likeâ€¦uhâ€¦well, I guess there hasnâ€™t really been a movie or television show about comment sections. Huh. How about that.
The RAW Judicial Review: 10/11/10
We start live with fans and signs, forgoing not only the pyro and ballyhoo but also the much maligned Nickelback music.
Here comes John Cena, who gets a nice pop, despite the fact that Cole calls it a mixed reaction. Cena is wearing the Nexus armband but not the Nexus t-shirt. Now THAT would get some true heat. Instead, heâ€™s wearing LSU colors, which is only going to get heat from me. Iâ€™d rather lose as a Gator than win as anything else.
Cena says that we have no idea how much he needs this. What? You mean that you needed the mixed reaction Cole was blathering about? Fuck, Iâ€™m begging the left hand to know what the right one is doing. This isnâ€™t an Alanis Morisette song.
John says he heard something he hasnâ€™t heard before last week. They were chanting â€œNever Give Upâ€. They were? I would have remembered if it was Jimmy V week. Cena channels Hitman Corey Hart and says that heâ€™ll never surrender.
Cena reminds us that since he lost, heâ€™s a member of Nexus. That means he must take orders from Wade Barrett, which is a lot better than what would happen if he took orders from Justin Gabriel. John says that if he doesnâ€™t follow Nexus, heâ€™ll be fired for realz.
John says that this isnâ€™t about money because this is what he loves. Without wrestling, he doesnâ€™t know what heâ€™d be doing. Good thing he doesnâ€™t consider acting a legit job. Cena says that as a member of Nexus, heâ€™ll have to do things he wouldnâ€™t normally do. Does this mean heâ€™s abandoning the 5 Moves of Mediocrity?
Awesome, here comes The Miz. Apparently itâ€™s his birthday, so heâ€™s decked out in a suit. His Mizfit is wearing denim, which is a bit disrespectful.
Miz mocks John for not wanting to lose the support of the fans. Miz says that he will captain Team RAW against Big Slow and Team Smackdown. Miz offers him a slot on Team RAW to make up for what happened last year at Bragging Rights.
John says that this is a really good idea, except he doesnâ€™t like the thought of Miz being captain. He likens it to Betty White doing Playboy. Hay-oh! Coming up next on the Shecky Green hourâ€¦
Wade Barrett comes a wassaling out and says that Cena has one job at Bragging Rights: be in Wadeâ€™s corner. Cena says he can do both, but his only job is apparently to be this generationâ€™s Miss Elizabeth. Hope he doesnâ€™t wind up with Lex Luger because I know how that story ends.
Mizfit points out that Miz might use the suitcase at Bragging Rights, so Miz points out that the element of surprise is now lost.
The GMail goes off: Cena may answer to Wade, but everyone answers to GMail. Essentially nothing beats The Blob. Tonight there are a series of matches to determine who is on Team RAW. To find out who will be captain, itâ€™ll be Miz versus Cena versus Eo. Wait, no, itâ€™s just Miz/Cena.
Miz and Mizfit jump Barrett for a while but Cena finally comes to his aid. Sure enough, it ends with Mizfit taking an FU. Barrett chews out Cena. From the looks of things, Johnâ€™s a loose cannon and theyâ€™re taking his badge.
Weâ€™re back with Teddy and Maryse standing in the ring talking about spray-tans. This leads to a replay of the big reveal that Goldust has the hots for the Million Dollar Belt.
Winner Joins Team RAW at Breaking Point: Resurrection Truth w/ Eve v. Teddy DiBiase w/ Maryse
I never thought thereâ€™d be a song worse than â€œWhatâ€™s Upâ€, but they sure found it. Apparently Eveâ€™s new job is to do awkward thrashing around and call it dancing. Seriously, itâ€™s one song; how hard can it be to choreograph a dance?
DiBiase and Truth trade punches but Truth pulls out the Minstrel Offense for two. Teddy comes back with a clothesline and some knee-drops. Cole talks about how important the Million Dollar Belt is to the DiBiase Family. I guess everyoneâ€™s been hit by the recession.
Truth hits a scoop slam for two before delivering a suplex into a facebuster for another two. For those of you new to wrestling, a three-count constitutes a pinfall. Teddy hits a Spinebuster for two.
Goldust and Oksana comes out on the ramp, which distracts Teddy for two. Truth hits the Polygraph Test for the pin. This means R-Truth will be on Team RAW. Huzzah.
Weâ€™re back and weâ€™re in Seattle, which means footage of fish being tossed.
Winner Will Be on Team RAW: John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Beard v. Tyson Kidd
John comes out first and puts his sunglasses on a confused kid. Kidd comes out next and this was supposed to be a triple-threat match, but DH Smith canâ€™t be found. Oh no, heâ€™s become so dull that heâ€™s invisible.
Kidd with a waistlock takes down John but Morrison rolls through and Tyson winds up on the outside. John charges him, but Kidd kicks him in the head for two. Apparently Tyson is now more vicious andâ€¦wait a minuteâ€¦you donâ€™t think he had something to do with Smith not being there, do you? Nah, no chance. Not at all. Nope.
Tyson locks in a Resthold but Morrison breaks free and hits a spinning heel kick. John fires away in the corner before growling with the kind of intensity only steroids can provide. John leaps to the second rope but Kidd turns it into a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Dang, that was pretty impressive.
Kidd goes for the Sharpshooter made famous by Shawn Michaels but John flips him out of the ring. Morrison tries to roll him up and they trade pinfalls but John pulls out the crazy standing flip deal for the pin.
Nexus are in the back talking with McGillicutty and Harris and Otunga wants to know if theyâ€™re part of the group. Wade shows up from out of nowhere to say that heâ€™s the one with answers. Barrett says they only need to care about Wade winning the title. David Otunga promises to challenge Orton, but if they really want to hurt Randy, they should have Justin Gabriel face him. Whew, dodged a bullet there.
Winner Joins..Sighâ€¦Team RAW: Santino Marella v. Zach Ryder
Yes, you read that correctly, this is really on RAW. The fans in Washington chant for Marella, which just goes to show you that rain can do crazy things to peopleâ€™s brains.
Ryder tosses Santino around before dropping a knee. Zach muscles him into the corner but the ref pulls him out. Ryder hits the running foot to the face for two. Zach goes for the Rough Rider, but Santino counters it and pulls out the ridiculous Cobra for the pin. Stop the pain.
After the match, the Snukette shows up and hugs Santino. They then kiss cobras (which isnâ€™t a euphemism) and the joke is that she manhandles him. This is just like when Beth Phoenix was with that untalented Italian guy. What was his name again?
Randy Orton is in the back and heâ€™s heading for aâ€¦
Randy Orton v. Justin Gabriel
Gabriel is accompanied by the Midcard All-Stars Heath Slater and David Otunga. So I guess Michael Tarver is officially out of the group.
The fans hear voices and they pop for Orton, who seems to be growing the hair back. Gabriel fires off some kicks to start the match, but Randy just seems annoyed. Orton hits a clothesline before rolling out of the ring. He stares down the rest of Nexus before attacking Otunga. The ref tosses David Otunga and Heath Slater, which seems to make Orton super happy.
Weâ€™re back and Gabriel is back to kicking Randy. Orton comes back with a dropkick, which for a while was the only move he could hit. Randy starts stomping away at Justin, which feels familiar.
Gabriel does some fancy acrobatic moves before kicking Orton. Justin leaps over the top rope for two. He sets Randy up in the corner and delivers stomps. Justin then chokes Orton but Randy comes back as if nothing had just happened to him. Orton takes him down with an uppercut but gets caught with a jawbreaker and a kick to the face for two.
Justin locks in a resthold before hitting a knee to the midsection for two. He then follows this up with another resthold. Huzzah. Orton breaks free with a suplex as Lawler once again reminds us that Otunga and Slater were sent to the back. Randy hits the inverted backbreaker, which Jerry says might do it. Really King? That might do it? A move that has been nothing but a transition move might actually do it? Come on, stop smoking whatever Coleâ€™s got.
Orton hits the same scoopslam Columbus delivered to the Indians as Cole says that Randy might hear voices in his head. Well then I guess Hulk Hogan is also a Real American and Ted DiBiase likes money.
Gabriel comes off the top rope with a 450 Splash but Orton rolls out of the way. Well, he kinda rolls out of the way and the move winds up hitting him on the back. We choose to ignore that as Randy just stands up and delivers the RKO to â€œstupid, stupidâ€ Justin Gabriel for the pin. The cameras wisely cut away from Orton, so as to avoid seeing him berate Gabriel for what looked like a major botch.
Orton shows off Cenaâ€™s title belt as we go to Sheamus in the back walking towards aâ€¦
Weâ€™re back and thereâ€™s the Space Needle. What a giant waste of space. Speaking of which, hereâ€™s a trailer for Big Showâ€™s new movie. Okay, to be fair, its got a rock solid cast. But itâ€™s also written by the guys who did Delta Farce, so letâ€™s lower our expectations a bit, shall we?
Winner Joins Team RAW: Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus
We get highlights of last weekâ€™s decimation of Daniel Bryan before the bell. Bryan jumps Sheamus and then goes for the Patti LaBelle Lock but Sheamus rolls out of the ring. The crowd has a loud â€œDaniel Bryanâ€ chant. Bryan leaps over the top rope, but Sheamus catches him. Bryan breaks free and launches Sheamus into the steel ring post.
Back in the ring, Sheamus hits the Drinking Problem backbreaker and then stomps away on Bryan. Sheamus delivers a short-arm clothesline for two. Cole continues to bury Bryan as Sheamus launches him across the ring. Cole says that RAW shouldnâ€™t want him on their team since he was why Team WWE lost as Summerfest. Thatâ€™s a great argumentâ€¦except Team WWE won at Summerfest.
Bryan connects with some kicks to the chest and then one to the head for two. Daniel charges Sheamus in the corner but he flips over him and comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick for two. Bryan goes for a leg lock but Sheamus kicks him off and hits the Irish Hammer. Sheamus begins dropping knees into Bryanâ€™s head again for a few minutes, which I think killed Daniel. Sheamus picks up whatâ€™s left of him and sets him up for the Razorâ€™s Edge. Bryan rolls through and gets two. Sheamus hits the bicycle kick for the pin.
Team RAW is Sheamus, Team Buddy Cop Movie and Santino. Was this entire PPV booked by the Smackdown v. RAW 2011 randomizer button?
R-Truth and John Cena are in the back. Truth says that Cena is a stand-up guy, despite the fact that heâ€™s sitting. Truth says Cena joining Nexus isnâ€™t sitting well with the rest of the locker-room. Truth realizes that Cena would be forced to take out one of them if Wade told them to. See, itâ€™s like parole. If you donâ€™t do what your parole officer says, you go to jail. I donâ€™t know why that analogy came to me. Truth tells Cena to just quit. Oh I hope this ends with Cena turning heel and decimating R-Truth.
Weâ€™re back with Jerry â€œEd Hardyâ€ Lawler and Michael â€œCasual Maleâ€ Cole. Bragging Rights has an official theme song byâ€¦Goo Goo Dolls? Seriously?
The WWE supports the troops. Donâ€™t believe him? Well here comes a sappy video package to let you know.
Winner Joins Team RAW: Evan Heir Bourne v. CM PUNK
CM Punk is now on Monday Night RAW. While Iâ€™m worried he might get lost in the shuffle, I love the fact that heâ€™s on RAW.
Punk charges Bourne but Evan delivers some kicks and knees, which drives Punk out of the ring. Evan goes for a hurricarana, but Punk catches him and launches him into the ring barrier. Punk throws him in the ring and hits some elbows to the head for two.
Just to point this out: RAW has Evan Bourne, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. There is more ROH talent on RAW these days than there are on ROHâ€™s own Monday show. Bourne hits a spinning heel kick before going for AirBourne. Punk gets to his feet and knock him off of the apron before hitting the GTS for the pin.
After the match, Punk throws Bourne out of the ring and then rams him again into the barricade. Punk then rams Bourne shoulder-first into the post, which was great because the camera was able to catch the look of fear in Evanâ€™s eyes. Punk finally locks in the Anaconda Vice as he yells â€œNothing personalâ€.
Still to come, Cena and Miz battle to determine who has to babysit Santino Marella.
Weâ€™re back with a replay of CM Punk beginning what I can only believe is a Highlander-esque quest to kill off any other ROH star. Please let him remember that Matt Hardy was in ROHâ€¦
Mark Henry wasnâ€™t able to do the trot-in because he was attending to a personal matter. Guess he got stuck in a Dennys booth again.
Natalya is in the ring talking about LayCool. Jesus, sheâ€™s really got that whole Chyna tone down pat. LayCool come out to say that Natalya is ugly but has courage to come out in HD. They show a picture of Natalya with Jim Neidhartâ€™s beard. Hopefully she doesnâ€™t also have his dope nose and penchant for B&E. LayCool babble for a few more moments before leaving. As they wander up the ramp, a bunch of Divas show up to block the entrance. The Bellas, Gail Kim, Eve and Melina force LayCool in the ring, so Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter to Layla. LayCool then flee through the crowd.
Miz is in the back walking towards theâ€¦
Denzel Washington in: â€œThe Train That Couldnâ€™t Slow Downâ€
No DQ Winner is Captain of Team RAW: John Cena v. The Miz
Miz is out first and Mizfit is still selling the hurt neck. Cena is out next and it sounds like this is the kind of mixed reaction he should have gotten earlier. Cole reminds us that this is Monday Night RAW, in case you thought this was an episode of â€œUSA Highâ€.
Cena and Miz circle each other before locking up. Miz wins with a headlock. Cena and Miz run the ropes, ending in a hiptoss. Mizfit attacks Cena because itâ€™s no disqualification and because here comes aâ€¦
Weâ€™re back and Miz is beating Cena in the corner. Cena comes back with the bulldog. Miz gets an elbow up in the corner and now heâ€™s back in control. Miz launches John to the outside so Mizfit can kinda poke him a bit.
Miz launches Cena onto the announce table and tries for the SCF, but John powers out of it and turns it into an FU attempt. Miz launches Cena off of the table into the barricade.
Cena attacks Mizfit but he gets launched into the exposed barricade, which now tells us that itâ€™s WWEH. So that either said HD or the WWE is turning back to the Iso-Pro days and is promoting heroin.
John pulls out the Five Moves of Mediocrity but Miz hits a boot to the face for two. Miz hits a neckbreaker for another two and he seems frustrated. Miz calls for the briefcase but Cena ducks it and goes for the STFU. Miz crawls to the ropes but where the fuck is Mizfit? Why is he just watching?
After Miz makes it to the ropes, Mizfit comes in. Cena locks him in the STFU for some reason. Cena goes for the FU on Miz but Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty run in and lay out Cena. Miz rolls over and gets the pin and now John Cena is Gilligan.
Miz says that this is his show as McGillicutty and Harris roll into the ringâ€¦in matching jeans and black shirts. Classy. Cena attacks them, but Wade pulls John off. Cena accidentally hits Barrett and the two of them go nose-to-freakishly-large-nose.
The GMail goes off and says that if Harris and McGillicutty want to get involved in matches, then next week they can team up next week against John Cena and Randy Orton. You know, so that Wade can force Cena to turn on Randy next week.
Wade Barrett says that if Cena loses, McGillicutty and Harris are officially members of Nexus. Heâ€™s sure that next week Cena is going to do the right thing. Uh huh. â€œI bet youâ€™d like to stick one right on my jaw.â€ Iâ€™m not touching that one with a ten foot pole.
Wade berates Cena for a while before turning his back to him. Whatâ€™s he going to do next, bite his thumb at him? Cena walks away but he gets ordered to stop. Wade says that Cena canâ€™t see him, which is gimmick infringement. Doesnâ€™t he have any shame? Did he learn nothing from â€œThe Social Networkâ€?
This has been for your consideration.
Tags: AJ Styles, Andrew Wheeler, Bragging Rights, Bret Hart, cm punk, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, DH Smith, edge, Eric Bischoff, evan bourne, For Your Consideration, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, jeff jarrett, john cena, kevin nash, Kurt Angle, Layla, michelle mccool, mr anderson, nexus, randy orton, Ric Flair, sheamus, Sting, The Miz, TNA, Tyson Kidd, WWE