Before I get started…
So, almost a month ago, I’m on twitter and I see that former world heavyweight champion Mick Foley, aka Cactus Jack aka Mankind aka Dude Love, is offering to give away some free furniture.
I think this is awesome, so I reply to him. I let Mick know that I could totally use some cheap-as-free furniture, as our futon frame broke and our loveseat had gotten torn up by my beloved F.R.E.D., who used the couch as his bed. I didn’t hear an answer, but I saw he had mas informacion at his blog.
I left him a comment and was overjoyed to get an e-mail response to them. He had chosen me to receive some of the furniture! I left him my cell number and he left me a voicemail with the details (I thought I had deleted the voicemail but just this past weekend I discovered that I still had it. Yes!). We exchanged some text messages (also saved) and the deal was on!
Unfortunately, the furniture was being delivered while I was stuck at my job. Rats! I’d be missing out on meeting the Hardcore Legend! I was cursing my rotten luck when I realized that, in the voicemail, he said a couple of his friends would be dropping off the furniture! Ha! A lucky break!
I rushedrushedrushed home with my friend Briana and immediately headed to the back patio to see the gifts the Foley Family dedicated to the Mundos. My eyes landed upon a big, fluffy sofa, a cute’n’soft loveseat, a massive entertainment center, an equally massive television, 2 beautiful end tables, and a gorgeous Tiffany lamp.
I was completely blown away.
I mean, I would’ve been happy with just one of the seating pieces, but to get all of that stuff? To get basically everything from what he and his family called their “Country room?” Completely, totally overwhelmed. On the scale of awesomeness that goes from “One” to “My hot friend Vanessa actually making out with me one day”, it was a solid 8.
***
Last Friday, my friend Heather (the Miss Heather some of ya’ll might see commenting around here) and I went out to The Book Revue, an independent bookstore located about 30 minutes from our area. Mick was doing a booksigning for his latest tome, Countdown To Lockdown: A Hardcore Journal.
Now, I had never met Mick Foley before. He’s a Long Island institution, and most of my friends have run into Mick in their travels. My friend Kristin met him at the Smith Haven Mall, my friend Danny met him at the Commack Multiplex, my friend Meechelle met him at a T.G.I. Fridays in Manhattan, my friend Dom met him on a plane headed to Florida, my friend James met him at the Commack Multiples… You get the idea. I had never met Mick, and I was giddy.
So we go to The Book Revue and there he is, that deep, playful speaking voice amplified thru speakers strategically placed throughout the store. There were about a hundred of us there… (wait, this is wrestling. lemme try that again). There were a thousand of us there, and Mick was telling us about how this most recent book opportunity came about, and he read us excerpts from the book, and he took some questions.
I enjoyed seeing how comfortable Mick was in that environment. He is very professorial, and he loves dropping knowledge on people. What I also noticed was something that will sound like a backhanded compliment, but is not.
Mick actually really does care about his fans.
After reading Have A Nice Day and Foley Is Good I got the sense that Mick was angry, almost bitter despite how his career shot into the stratosphere from 1998-2000. It kind of altered the way I looked at him. Sure, he was friendly, but he seemed resentful of his success. After seeing him at this book signing I came to the conclusion that he might have a case to be resentful.
Here’s a guy who spent years honing his craft, making sacrifices and pouring everything he had and everything he was into being a wrestler, including his body. Then, when it came down to it, he finally blew up (in the ebonic vernacular of “achieving massive popularity) because of a dive off of a cage, a sock puppet, and 11 chair shots. To relate it to an experience of mine, it was like when I recorded a rap album vanity project in 2004, and the songs people liked the most were the one where I said mean things about some people I had issues with at the time (gossip) and rhymed the names of the friends I was closest to (acknowledgments). Never mind the fact that I spent over a thousand dollars of my own money. Never mind the fact that the recording booth was tiny and had no air conditioning and I sweated my ass off in the Summer 2004 heat. Never mind the time I spent writing those songs, or the heart ache and loneliness that the songs were about. Never mind it all because, By Gar, those were some good zingers.
*end rant*
So yes, I can relate to some of that resentment that might’ve found its way into Foley’s first two memoirs. But! None of that was present that nite in Huntington a few days ago. Mick was gracious, accommodating, friendly, and funny. I clearly received the message that this is a man that loves his fans, the fans that stuck around long after wrestling was the new, cool, hip, edgy thing. The fans that are true fans, supporting his endeavors and his quest to add to his legacy, and to help him provide for his four children and wife.
As my time with Mick drew nearer, I grew more nervous. I’ve never “met” a celebrity before. I’d never met anyone famous I admired or looked up to. I never met a famous person whose work I enjoyed and appreciated. So, naturally, I was afraid I’d freeze up, or say something goofy, or be a little too “extra” with them. I was hot, my palms were sweaty, and I was chewing minty fresh gum to make sure I didn’t offend.
There were two gentlemen ahead of Miss Heather and I. One was an older man that appeared to be of special needs (i don’t know what the P.C. term is–please understand that I am not making fun at all) and the other was a guy probably around my age. The first guy was very excited to meet Mick, all kinds of giddy, and he took a bit with Mick. The second guy was cool, but the TNA action figures he brought to discuss with Mick kind of cut into mine and Heater’s time.
Eventually tho’, it was our turn.
Heather was up first, said a quick hello and wished him luck on his match against Ric Flair (a match I swear I’ll get to recapping soon) and then deferred to me. The moment was here, the time had arrived. It was me and the Hardcore Legend. I walked up, smiled, and passed the first test:
I did not ask him if it hurt when he fell off the Hell in a Cell cage.
What I did do was say hi, told him that even tho’ the book was to be signed to my friend Jon, my name was Rey, and I was the one that received the furniture from his “Country Room.” His eyes lit up, we shook hands, and I thanked him for his generosity. I told him that one piece–the Tiffany Lamp–was particularly beautiful. Mick looked at me and said: “I don’t think my wife wanted me to give that away.”It was a great moment, and it made me laugh at the thought of one day receiving a call from a sheepish Hardcore Legend saying, “Um, Rey? It’s Mick Foley. I kinda need my lamp back…”
Our time with Mick was up and we said goodbye. I was smiling a goofy smile and just basking in the afterglow of a wonderful experience with a man whose television personae I was afraid of when I was younger (Cactus Jack) and a great fan of when I was a little bit older (Mankind). However, after that experience, I am proud to say that the Face of Foley I am most fond of, is that of Mick. Father, Author, Husband, Son, Brother, Hardcore Legend…
…
…and hopefully not an Indian Giver.
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
Whoa Whoa Whoa!
Abyss has handcuffed Dixie Carter to start off the show? He’s got Janice (2x4xNails) and some other kind of metal contraption and… he’s taking her to where “They” have instructed him to take her. She’s asking for help, everyone’s watching. She’s calling him “Chris” (whom everyone hates). He says he’s just getting started. Dixie’s doing a great job looking petrified, and Abyss has taken her to the Impact Zone. Crowd is chanting “You Suck”, and Abyss says he can smell power and control. He says in three days–on 10/10/10 “They’ll” arrive and “They’ll” take total control of TNA.
Abyss says Dixie will be gone, and she’s a-screamin’ and he’s a yelling. Abyss says that when it’s all over, Dixie will have a choice between Janice, and the other metal contraption, “Bob” the branding iron. Dixie is screaming for Eric Bischoff, and not to be too cynical, but with a locker-room full of 250lb wrestlers, why would the big hero be 150lb Eric Bischoff. It’s a fucked up, Saw intro to to Impact.
Listen… not for nothing, but I don’t see how this is supposed to sell shows. Like, I get the purpose, Abyss is crazy, “They” are in control, it’s an aggressive content kinda vibe, but with probably more eyeballs being drawn to the show because it’s Live, why start with something so over-the-top ludicrous? I’ve said before that Abyss’ actions are outside of the realm of professional wrestling, even rivaling the other company’s ridiculous “Corporate Ministry” angle, but this is a new low, or high, or whatever the hell.
*end tangent*
Bischoff, security, agents… are all backing off. Abyss removes the handcuffs from Dixie and they get her out of trouble. Bischoff tells Abyss it’s over and he says for the camera to cut. It’s a commercial break time, but before that, Sting’s music hits. Sting, Kevin Nash and “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero are headed out to the ring.
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening, which I use to try to figure out what the hell just happened. Also, I’m hungry. Yes, you guys needed to know that.
Impact is back and “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero has the mic. Dinero says he’s going to retract his statement from last week because he told the world Eric was a no-good son of a Bischoff, but he says he can’t be if he’s running this one trick pony of a show, doing the whole smoke and mirrors thing. Dinero says the Black Hats and White Hats will be revealed it soon. Dinero says at 10/10/10 (drink!) the walls are gonna come crashing down and the walls are gonna fall on Bischoff.
Bischoff says he respect Dinero, but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Dinero says they aren’t hungry lions, they’re a calculating pack of wolves. Dinero asks if this is bigger than him. Bischoff says yes, but he doesn’t have a clue, that he follows Nash and Sting like they have a clue. Bischoff says Nash and Sting are leading him around like a dog chasing his tail.
Dinero asks what this is about. Bischoff says it’s about Sting and Hogan. Sting then grabs the mic. Sting says Bischoff is dead-on. Sting says what started ten years ago is gonna come crashing down at “Bound For Glory.” Sting says this isn’t about wrestling anymore, it’s about two men taking two different paths, but the end of the line is Hogan putting everything that he is and is about, on the line. So, apparently the loser will do a low-budget movie with Lance Bass.
Sting says at “Bound For Glory”, when Hulk Hogan’s true soul is revealed, only then will he be ready to walk away. Bischoff says he’s got nothing to say to Sting. Just then, Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett come down to the ring. Bischoff says for them to back off and let him handle it. Bischoff says he’s gonna give them the answers. Bischoff says that what Sting wants is something to fill in that big black hole where his ego is. Bischoff says Hogan is in intensive care right now and shows a video of Hogan in the hospital. This kind of made me really sad seeing that. Heck, even “”The Pope”” looks sad. Apparently Hogan has had eight surgeries since 2009, but Sting only cares about getting “The Hogan Notch” on his belt. That footage is fucking heartbreaking.
Bischoff says if they wanna kick his ass to have at it. Bischoff then makes a Kevin Nash, Sting and Dinero vs Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett handicap match for “Bound For Glory.” That was intense, and really will done. Not a lot made sense before the bit about “The Hogan Notch”, but the end was superb, even if that footage seeing a hero of mine—regardless of whatever political nonsense he engaged in during his glory days—looking old and hurt has me a little choked up. Say what you want, but to kids like me in the late 80s and early 90s, Hulk Hogan espoused being a good person and fighting for what was right, and if I’m just a big sap–So be it. Fuck cynicism and Snark.
(no shots, Reneke)
Anyway, we cut to the outside where Mickie James has pulled into the parking area at the Impact Zone. The roving reporter asks what she’s doing there, and Mickie says that’s a good question and you’ll have to watch and see to find out the answers. She’s hot. I’m happy she’s here.
Still to come: The “Bound For Glory” Participant $100,000 Battle Royal.
Next up: Madison Rayne and Tara vs Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. The winner of the match owns the rights to the name and entrance music of The Beautiful People.
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to teach the “Dance of Joy.”
Impact hath returned with a video package talmbout the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. They replay the “Jeff Hardy is not a champion. I am a champion.” speech from Kurt Angle. Jeff says he’s never experience a challenge like he faced with Kurt Angle. Once again, that backstage stuff is excellent. They show clips from the Hardy-Angle match from the last “No Surrender”, and then recap the Hardy-Angle #1 contender rematch. Anderson says he’s studying both men and wants to know who he’s facing. They show Bischoff making the Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle vs Mr. Anderson three way dance for the world title at “Bound For Glory.” THIS is how you make a World Title seem important.
They cut to an “earlier this week” clip of Team 3-D in Times Square. Brother Ray says New York City is the most hardcore city in the world. Amen. He says this is where Team 3-D was born and bred, and that at “Bound For Glory”, they will make an announcement that will change tag team wrestling forever. Brother Devon says “Testify”, and we’re done.
We are taken back to the Impact Zone, and Knockout action be here!
It’s Tara and Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love and Velvet Sky For The Rights To The Beautiful People Music And Name And Line Of Delicious Jams and Jellies!
A now-brunette Madison Rayne rides out (looking very Mickie James’ish) on the back of Tara’s motorcycle. They make their way to the ring and then stop to kiss. I don’t care how old I get, girls kissing will never, ever, ever get old. Ever. Madison’s outfit is weird looking, something I hope the lovely Chantal will point out in her next column.
Angeline Love and Velvet Sky are out next, and my goodness… their entrance was so hot that I actually rewound it to watch it again. Wowzers. This is so tease’ish… Mmmmm.
I’m sorry, what?
Oh yeah.
Match is underway after Madison Rayne attacks Angelina Love before the bell. Mad-Ray and Tara doubleteam Love with a double russian legsweep. Love gets a small package that receives a two count. Love tags in Velvet Sky who hits a brilliant bulldog on Tara. Miss Tessmacher comes out to watch the match, and this is about a 14 on the Chismometer.
Tara drives some shoulders into Velvet Sky, and then tags in Madison Rayne. Rayne slams Sky’s head into the turnbuckle, but Sky slams Rayne face-first to the ground. Angelina Love is tagged in, takes down Rayne a couple of times and then hits a big boot. Tara is tagged in, and then Love and Sky double kick Tara. Angelina Love covers and gets the pin!
Winners: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky, who keep the name’n’music!
Post-match, Rayne yells at Tara, but Miss Tessmacher interrupts. The crowd is “What’ing” them, and What-sayers should die a horrible death. She says the match at “Bound For Glory”–Tara vs Velvet Sky vs Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love for Love’s TNA Knockouts Title. Tessmacher says that this is an everyone-woman-for-themselves affair, not a tag match or a “BFF” club. Therefore, she’s signed a special guest enforcer. Just then, Mickie James’ music hits and out she comes!
James, lookin’ like Pocahontas (said Madison Rayne), says the lack of warm welcome is sad. She said everyone knew she’d make an impact on TNA, but who knew she’d be bound for glory? Funny bit–overheard is Madison Rayne saying “You’re gonna be bound for failure!” but in that whiny Mean Girls tone.
James says it’ll be her honor to crown the new TNA Knockouts champion, and while she’ll raise the hand of the winner, she’ll have her eyes on one thing. She says Mickie James makes history, and she’ll be the first person to hold every prestigious woman’s title known to womankind. She says that’ll be epic, and she’ll see them on Sunday. She’s hot and thick, like Chicago pizza.
They cut to Micky Foley in Boston plugging Countdown To Lockdown. He says he’s taking nothing for granted and he’ll stop at nothing to make sure he’ll be the last man standing. He says he expects Flair to keep his promise to kiss his ass if he loses. Well then.
Still to come: The $100,000 “Bound For Glory” Participant Battle Royal.
Up Next: Mick Foley vs Ric Flair!
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening. They show a promo for “Brocktober”, Spike’s month-long tribute to Brock Lesnar. I’ll keep this short and sweet: Fuck Brock Lesnar with an oversized novelty spork. I’ve always hated him. I always will. *spits*
Oh dip, Impact be back! Dixie Cougar, er, Carter tells Eric Bischoff to fire Abyss. Bischoff asks for more time to work with him, but Dixie insists. She tells him to fire him in the ring to humiliate Abyss the way he humiliated her. Bischoff says he will, and we’re off. As far as actresses go, Dixie Carter > Both McMahon Womenses.
We’re back at ringside and…
It’s “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair vs Mick Foley in a Last Man Standing Match!
Ric is out first and So-Cal Val sits on the ringropes for his entrance into the ring. SCV is sneaky hot. Out next is Mick Foley! Gotta admit, I’m giddy about this, especially since the laptop I’m typing this on is placed on top of one of the tables Foley gave me.
Collar and elbow tie-up to start. Ric Flair goes to work with some punches and then tosses Mick to the outside. Ric slams Mick’s face into the guardrail a couple of times, and Foley is busted wide open! Lowblow by Mick on Ric, and then Foley lifts up the stairs to reveal a Barbwire Bat! Mick nails Ric with it, and now Flair is bleeding. Eww.
Foley punches Mick a few times and both men are on the outside. Flair heads towards the broadcast table and slams Flair’s head down into the desk. They’re on top of the ramp and Foley mushes the barbwire bat into Flair’s head! Just then, Ric tosses Mick like 10 feet thru a nearby table. HO-LEE SHIT!HO-LEE-SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT! I don’t know how far that was, but it looked like a looooong distance. Wow. Fuck that, the replay showed how far that was. My goodness.
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. I don’t care how many different versions of Mountain Dew they come out with, I will only drink the original yellow kills-your-sperm-count brand.
Impact returns, and Ric Flair is in control. He drops an elbow on Mick’s face, and during the commercial Flair assaulted Mick with a copy of Countdown To Lockdown. Flair keeps punching and kicking Mick and a dueling alternating “Let’s Go Fo-Ley” “Let’s Go Fla-Ir” chants are happening. Ric then empties out a bag of thumbtacks all over the ring! Ric with chops to Foley in the corner, but Foley reverses it and starts punching Flair. Flair charges Foley but Foley backdrops Flair onto the tacks!!!
Flair writhes around in the tacks and I did not see Flair taking that bump. My goodness. Foley brings out a barbwire board and then just punches the living piss out of Ric. Foley picks up the barbwire board and runs charging it into Flair’s face and chest in the corner!
Ric Flair is up and he’s chopping away at Mick Foley and this is an incredible display of guts by Flair. Flair gets sent back down and Mick goes to the outside to grab a table. Foley sets up the table, and I’m getting a kick out of Earl Hebner. He watches the proceedings with this kind of “You know what? Fuck it.” demeanor. Kind funny.
Flair is begging off but it was a smokescreen! He gives Mick a couple of low blows and you can hear him say “How’s the feel?” That, ladies and germs, is how you heel. Flair puts Foley on the table, then grabs the barbwire board and slams it down on Mick. Flair to the top rope and nails a splash on Foley thru the table! That is heart, desire, and a love for what you do. Flair then falls face first onto the tacks, Foley props himself in the corner, and the ref counts to ten!
Winner: Mick Foley
Man, what a match. That wasn’t pretty, but it showed a lot of love and determination. Bra. Vo. Post-Match, Flair spits at the camera and Mick Foley walks around the ring. They show highlights of the match, and it was quite the spectacle.
Just then, Mick Foley grabs the mic and reminds Ric Flair of the stipulation. Flair screams that he hates Mick from the top of the ramp, and Mick reminds him of his promise to kiss Mick’s ass. Foley yelling “Kiss it! KISSSSS ITTT!” is great, as is the Impact Zone chanting “Kiss His Ass! Kiss His Ass!” I bet these tapings are fun to go to. I love random chanting.
Mick says Ric is sure as hell gonna kiss his dimpled ass, but then Fourtune storms the ring. Wow, that’s all of them out there just kicking the crap out of Mick Foley. E.V. 2.0 comes out to make the save, and then Ric grabs the mic.
Ric starts to talk but then lowers the mic to tell a fan, and I quote, “Sit down or I’ll slap the shit out of you.” Hilarity ensues in the Impact Zone! Flair says they’re gonna kick all their asses, and says E.V. 2.0 my ass. Well, not mine. His. Ass. His ass.
They cut to Taz “Blue” Polaski and Michael “The Tank” Tenay. Taz draws attention to the blood on the announce table and then they explain the Lethal Lockdown match between Fourtune and E.V. 2.0. I’ll let the honorable delegate from Wikipedia explain what it is:
“…Lethal Lockdown, a variant of the WarGames match popularized in World Championship Wrestling. The match features a multi-man competition in which opponents from each team enter in alternating fashion. Victory can only be gained after everyone has entered the cage. The match has evolved over the years, developing from a three-on-three match (2005) to a four-on-four (2006 & 2009) to a five-on-five (2007–2008). Since 2006, the match also includes a roof to the cage, making it the only match with such a feature in TNA…”
Mike Tenay plugs the battle royal and we cut to backstage where Eric Bischoff is headed to the ring. Bischoff comes out and walks thru the exiting E.V. 2.0 guys. They show what happened in the beginning of Impact, what with the attempted abduction and whatnot. It looks like Bischoff is out to fire Abyss. Eric stares at the wreckage in the ring (table, barbed wire, thumbtacks). Bischoff has the mic, says he’s seen wrecks before, that this is one helluva trainwreck right here. He calls Abyss down to the ring.
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening. I bet you that someone, somewhere, has mp3s of all of the “Free Credit Report Dot Com” commercial jingles. They have them, they play them, and they try to convince their friends that some of them really are good. This is the world we live in (oh whoa oh).
We be returning to Impizzact, Bischoff is still waiting for Abyss to come out to the ring. I don’t know what’s taking Abyss so long. Mayhaps he stopped for a churro? Music hits, only it’s not Abyss’ music, it’s Rob Van Dam’s! Van Dam is Abyss’ opponent for “Bound For Glory” this Sunday. RVD is out, sans bandages from the attack at the hands of Abyss.
RVD grabs the mic and says that he is fighting Abyss this Sunday or else he’ll quit. RVD says his mind is completely unchangeable. He tells Bischoff to relay that message to Dixie Carter. Bischoff acquiesces.
We cut to Tommy Dreamer and Rhino in Philadelphia last week, and the Philly fans are loving it. This is kinda awesome to see. E.V. 2.0 chants break out. That was fun.
Still to come: $1.50 Battle Royal for the participants of “Tied Up For Glory”
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening. So, wait. Lemme get this straight. Brett Favre sent some hot chick pictures of his donger? This is news? Seriously? Seriously. This is news. Don’t we have a shit ton of Republicans out there pining to ruin this country and outlaw being anything but white, rich, southern, and hateful? But no, let’s concentrate on Brett Favre’s wang.
Impact is back with video footage of Orlando Jordan and Eric Young at an amusement park. *sigh* I just erased the jokes I had because the bit they’re attempting to mock is just dumb. Not offensive, just dumb. Moving on.
It’s Ink Inc. (Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore) vs Eric Young and Orlando Jordan in an Alternative Lifestyle Not-That-There’s-Anything-Wrong-With-That Free For All!
Ink Inc. is out first, followed by Young and Jordan. Jordan’s music kind of cool. Young is all wacky and random since a wrestler named suicide dropped him on his head. I think it’s funny. Neal and Jordan start the match, and Taz says Jordan has a “flaming and roaring” attitude. Well then.
Jordan and Neal are still going at it, great spinebuster by Jordan on Neal. Jordan lays down all lasciviously on Neal. Eric Young walks into the ring for no reason, then Jordan sends him out. Neal tags in Shannon Moore, Moore executes a brilliant leg scissors, then a big kick, then a moonsault. Young is in the ring and points out that Jordan has his leg on the rope as he tries to pin Moore. While the ref is distracted, Jordan gives Moore a low-blow and gets the pin.
Winners: Orlando Jordan and Eric Young
Just then, Young grabs the mic and says he’s the leader of their team and a card carrying member of the Worldwide International Tag Team Coalition, and that he and Orlando want to forfeit the match. Young’s speech is just batshit crazy, but well-done, bat-shit craziness. This is funny. He proposes they all go down to “Bound For Glory”, get matching Anchor tattoos, and have the match all over again. He high-fives the referee and Ink Inc., and we cut. That was funny.
We cut to Jay Lethal in Elizabeth, New Jersey. He’s at the house he grew up in, talking about it. I love Jay Lethal. He shows his long-ass driveway and talks about how much of a pain it was to shovel during the winter. He shows off what he calls his “Hide and Seek” tree. Lethal says he lives in Tampa, but Jersey will always be his home. That was nice.
We cut to clips of Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle, and Mr. Anderson getting ready for what’s up next.
Up next: The $100,000 BFG Battle Royal!
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening. I got the bottle of sparkling apple juice. It was delicious.
Impact is all back and junk! Dixie and RVD are talkin’ backstage. She says win, lose, or draw Abyss is out of TNA after the PPV. She tells Rob Van Dam to win at all costs, to take him out for her and for him. Rob says he’s got this. Dixie says she trusts him and they be done.
Music hits, and oh Gawd…
It’s “The Shore” and we are introduced to Robbie E. and Cookie. They should just call them “Vince Russo Thought Of This.” So they’re fistpumping and whatnot, and they really do look like the kids from the Jersey Shore show, and like the people that “ironically” look like the Jersey Shore kids. Someone get R.D., Triple Kelly, and Blade on the phone. Their next induction is here.
The Impact crowd is chanting “You Suck!” at them. Robbie E. calls them “Hamsters” and says there are zero hot girls in Florida. Um, my sister-in-law’s bridesmaids beg to differ. He says there are nothing but grenades, Cookie says “Incoming!”, and then something about “Filthy Gorillas.” Robbie says these people live in their mom’s basements, they’re posers, just like the people on MTV. Cookie says Jersey’s in the house, bitches. Robbie E. shows off his abs, and Taz and Tenay immediately goof on this. I think part of the reason I like TNA is because it reminds me of when I had a backyard wrestling group. The good, the bad, and the ideas that worked…once. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to neurolyze myself so I can forget that ever happened.
We cut to a video of Kurt Angle. He says he promised TNA and its fans that if he loses, he’ll retire. They cut to Nash, and he says they’re there to give the world the answers. RVD up, says this is TNAs big moment, for the most people to tune in, to rep everything TNA is about. “”The Pope”” says something like this comes along once a year, the one single event that defines not just TNA, but pro wrestling as a whole. Mr. Anderson is up, says he loves and believes in TNA and gives every ounce of effort for a company that reignited his passion for wrestling. Jeff Jarret now, says that all of the effort put in throughout the year is geared for “Bound For Glory.” Flair says the TNA audience and awareness of TNA is growing. Mick Foley calls it the perfect day for the perfect storm, that big things are expected and will be delivered. Samoa Joe says there are times when the focus is on the greatness of transcendent athletes. He says that’s happened at every “Bound For Glory” and this year will be no different. Dixie says she believes this will be the biggest pay-per-view in TNA history. I hope they’re right.
It’s time for the $100,000 BFG Gauntlet-Style Battle Royal!
Mr. Anderson is out first, then Kurt Angle. Angle and Anderson lock up, and apparently Gauntlet-Style means every forty-five seconds a new entrant will come in. Jeff Hardy comes down, and Anderson and Angle are staring him down. Wow, forty-five seconds happened quickly. “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles is making his way down.
We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening. I’ve never recapped a Battle Royal before. I’m kind of excited. Later in the break they show a commercial for Iron Man 2 and I immediately think of Scarlett Johansson. Excited indeed.
Impact returns, and Douglas Williams, Chris Sabin, Max Buck, and Sabu have joined Hardy, Angle, Anderson, and Styles. Tommy Dreamer is making his way down to the ring. Jay Lethal is on the way down! Lethal goes after A.J. Styles and hits a tilt-a-whirl headscissor. Awesome. Jeff Jarrett is down next. He goes after Douglas Williams, but Williams lands on the apron. Next Jarrett goes after Styles but can’t send him out.
Sabu just kicked Douglas Williams in the juevos! “”The Pope”” is out next and he immediately goes for Jeff Jarrett, then Mr. Anderson. Sabin trying to eliminate Hardy but couldn’t. Next out is Robert Roode, and Tenay reminds us that the winner of this battle royal gets $100,000. Robert Roode is #13, and all 13 men are still in the ring. Sting is out next.
We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening. Because I only have enough jokes for eight commercial breaks, I will list the movies I have from Blockbuster’s DVD Delivery service: Date Night, Hot Tub Time Machine, and The Losers.
We’re back and out comes Abyss! So far nobody has been eliminated. I spoke too soon. Douglas Williams, Jay Lethal, Sabu, Stevie Richards, Chris Sabin, Raven were all just put out by Abyss. The rest of the field starts beating on Abyss and Sting follows up with a couple of Stinger Splashes before Abyss sends Sting out. Kevin Nash is out next, and he’s in jeans. Nash, with angry eyes in, goes after Abyss.
The Blueprint Matt Morgan is out next and he drops Abyss. Nash and Morgan have a staredown and then a slug-off. Samoa Joe is out next. Abyss just took out Nash and Matt Morgan. Tommy Dreamer is going after Abyss, and out comes James Storm. Kurt Angle is working Abyss, then Generation Me gets tossed out by Abyss. Alex Shelley is in the ring, and his tag-team, the Motor City Machine Guns, are the wrestlers I’m most excited about now. Not excited in a Johansson way.
Next out is Rhino, and he goes right after Abyss. Wow, the show A.J. Styles trying to eliminate Abyss, and when they come back, out goes Rhino. Abyss eliminates Jeff Jarrett, and then “”The Pope.””
Impact is over.
Welcome to the Reaction overrun!
Samoa Joe goes after Abyss but Abyss pulls down the rope and Joe gets eliminated. It’s Dreamer, Angle, Beer money (Roode and Storm), Abyss, Anderson, Hardy and Styles. Storm tries to eliminate Roode, they yell, they hug, then Abyss knocks them both out. Pele kick by A.J. on Abyss. Dreamer gets Styles up for the DreamerDriver. Abyss eliminates Dreamer.
Angle, Anderson, Styles, Hardy, and Abyss are left. Abyss lifts Styles over his head and tosses him out of the ring. Twist of Fate by Hardy on Angle, Hardy up top for the Swanton on Angle and nails it. Abyss eliminates Hardy. It’s Abyss, Anderson, and Angle. Abyss chokeslams Anderson, and Rob Van Dam’s music hits. Apparently RVD is the last man in the match, so much for the forty-five seconds. RVD takes out Abyss with a big kick, then uses a cross-body to send out Abyss…and himself. Angle and Anderson are the last two men in the ring!
Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle are throwing punches at each other. Bunch of cool rope running and counters, and then Kurt Angle eliminates Anderson with an AngleSlam over the top rope! That was neat.
Winner: Kurt Angle, now $100,000 richer!
Post-match, Kurt Angle poses with the prize money and says he’s giving it all to charity.
Okay, so there was probably an equal amount of good and bad in this week’s show. It was less of a Go-Home Show for a pay-per-view, and more of a “Hey, have you never seen TNA before? Do you need to know why we keep talking about ‘Bound For Glory’? Well let us fill you in” kinda deal.
Still, overall I found it to be an entertaining show. I don’t know if I’ll be able to order the PPV, but I’m hoping things break that way. Lalala.
Here are my picks and predictions for the “Bound For Glory” PPV!
Triple Threat Match for the TNA Heavyweight Championship
Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson
I gotta go with Kurt Angle on this one. I don’t think Hardy has figured into this scenario enough, and I don’t think the time is right for Mr. Anderson.
TNA Tag Team Championship
Motor City Machine Guns (c) vs. Generation Me
MCMG retain. They’re too awesome to lose.
TNA X-Division Championship
Jay Lethal (c) vs. Douglas Williams
Hmm… I sense Douglas Williams keeping the belt. Danged shame because I love Jay Lethal.
TNA Knockouts Championship
Special Guest Ref: Mickie James
Angelina Love (c) vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky vs. Tara
I see a swerve a-comin’. I bet Lacey Von Erich costs Angelina Love the belt and gift-wrapping the match for Madison Rayne.
Monster’s Ball Match
Abyss vs. RVD
Abyss takes this thanks to interference from “They.”
Lethal Lockdown Match
Fortune (AJ Styles, Matt Morgan, Beer Money & Kazarian) vs. EV2.0 (Tommy Dreamer, Rhino, Stevie Richards, Raven & Sabu)
Fourtune takes this one, and it’s sad because I’ve really developed some affection for the rough’n’tumble E.V. 2.0 guys.
Handicap Match
Samoa Joe & Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash, Sting & ‘The Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Alas, I think there will be fuckery and shenanigans in this, but my gut says Jarrett and Joe win.
Ink, Inc. vs. Orlando Jordan & Eric Young
Ink Inc. wins on some wacky Eric Young hijinks.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact Recapper, and despite having his streak of “two (2) Impacts in a row being posted on time” snapped, he’s still pretty cool and kinda awesome.
