For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/18/10

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/18/10

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, future-endeavor-championing column on the world wide leader in sports entertainment web, For Your Consideration. I am your indictment-free host Andrew Wheeler, and unlike Daniel Bryan, I am unavailable for independent bookings.

So, there’s hardy any time to waste, so let’s get to my favorite story from life on the matt…

We Hardy Knew Ye

World Wrestling Entertainment has come to terms with Matt Hardy and wished him the best of luck in his future endeavors. We here at For Your Consideration would like to wish him a life of technology-free silence.

I haven’t been this happy to hear about someone getting cut loose fro the WWE in a long time. Matt Hardy has been a drain on Vince & Company for years, and I’m glad that the supposedly more stable Hardy Boy has been sent packing. Bon voyage, douche bag.

Matt Hardy was poised from the beginning to be the Marty Jannetty of the Hardy Boys; he was less flashy, less photogenic and lacking that star-making quality. His brother Jeff (now part of the wrestling Hindenburg known as TNA) had an annoying habit of constantly flaking out, so the WWE figured that keeping Matt around to babysit him was going to preserve their more valuable asset. And Matt, to his credit, played the role of brother’s keeper fairly admirably.

When the WWE and Jeff parted ways, most people figured that Matt wasn’t long for this world. He had made the most of his V-1.0 gimmick, where, to many people’s surprise, he proved that he could be mildly entertaining despite the fact that he sounded like a Confederate Soldier with marbles in his mouth. Despite the fact that he got his shocker hand gesture over (not to mention those ridiculous purple pants), he didn’t really go anywhere.

Matt’s other big asset with the company was the fact that he was having carnal relations with Lita. This was either due to the fact that he had made some sort of pact with the devil, or, if the rumors are true, that Lita’s bed has one of those deli number machines and Matt just happened to be the next one in line. Sorry to burst your bubble if you’re one of the few wrasslin fans left in America with a thing for Ms. Dumbass, but she’s been in more people’s sheets than bedbugs. Hay-o.

When Matt’s relationship with Lita was used in storyline world, it had mild to moderate success. Hardy’s uncomfortable feud with Kane over the hand of Lita was a mildly passable storyline…for a bit. Most people found it incredibly odd that Hardy was willing to risk the love of his life in a wrestling match, thus making him look like the biggest moron on the planet, but they figured that if they could accept the fact that Lita was willing to sleep with him that they could buy pretty much anything.

The Kane/Matt storyline begat so many incredible memories that it’s hard to pinpoint just one. Wait, no it isn’t. There was the storyline that Lita was somehow impregnated by Kane’s burnt-off penis, but due to an errant kick by a then-unknown Gene Snitsky, she suffered a miscarriage. Seriously, how the hell does that not top Katie Vick? This was a storyline where a monster essentially raped his unwilling bride, she got pregnant and then, thanks to Gene, essentially had an abortion…in the ring. What’s even more amazing is that this wasn’t the most memorable part of this train wreck.

Yes, the Lita/Matt/Edge story has been told to death, so I won’t bore you with all of the details. Basically the Sparknotes version is that while Matt and Kane were feuding on television over the tattoo-covered spunky redhead, Edge and Lita were conducting what can colorfully be called boudoir wrestling. Or fucking. Whichever you think is classiest.

Vince was put in a tough position (what with his blemish-free marital record and all), and being the wise visionary of the wrestling world, he knew that when it came to Lita’s lovers, there could be only one. And since Edge was in a Highlander movie, he figured he’d keep him. No wait, that’s not what happened…

Vince’s dilemma was that he couldn’t keep Edge and Matt in the same company because, well, they’d kill each other. So, in a move of surprisingly smart business savvy and surprisingly heartless savagery, Vince shitcanned Matt in favor of the more commercially viable Edge. The move propelled Edge from the upper midcard to the main event, and turned Matt Hardy into the kind of folk hero he always wanted to be.

Matt became a tragic figure and a hero to wrestling fans around the world. Everyone could relate to the guy who lost the girl and then lost everything, so the IWC rallied behind Hardy after such an unfortunate twist of fate (like I wasn’t going to fit that in somewhere…that’s what she said). Hardy wrestled for Ring of Honor a few times, giving everything an ECW-lite feel. See, for those of you kiddies who only remember ECW through archival footage and the SyFy debacle, you missed out on one of the truly magical things about Extreme Championship Wrestling. Most wrestlers back in the day would get released from the big two without a non-compete clause relating to ECW. Sure, they might not be able to appear on a Monday Night show for a few months, but they were instantly available to Paul Heyman. And Heyman would let them go out there and rip the big leagues with great quasi-shoots. It was the kind of thing that helped smarten up a lot of young marks who truly thought that Razor Ramon and Savio Vega were lifelong amigos (that means friends, from what I’ve been told).

When Hardy popped up in ROH, it drew new eyeballs to the promotion. To Matt’s credit, he always seemed to manage to hang on to some of that Jeff Hardy heat. By riding Jeff’s paint-stained coattails, he managed to catch some fan support along with what I can only assume was a killer contact high. Matt’s appearances in Ring of Honor brought some of those screeching teenage girls into the world of ROHbots, even if it was for a brief time.

At ECW One Night Stand, Paul Heyman got one of the biggest pops of the night by referencing Matt, which led Edge to deliver one of the best spit takes in wrestling history (though, for the record, the best spit-take involved Batista, Simon Dean and a bottle of Simon-Milk). This was the start of one of the hottest angles in wrestling history, with Matt Hardy doing what seemed like unplanned run-ins on Edge. These attacks seemed very real and very vicious, including one noteworthy one where Matt kept screaming about ROH.

Hardy eventually returned to WWE TV, where he and Edge would have some very stiff matches with one another. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, he was still Matt Hardy, so he wound up losing the feud and being exiled to Smackdown.

Matt fluctuated between RAW and Smackdown, with his highest profiles coming from an Orton-like cast and a feud with his brother Jeff (a feud that he took from fellow Jannetty-ite Christian). The Matt/Jeff feud didn’t set the world on fire, and when Jeff decided he needed some time off (to relax, paint, write some poetry, get busted for drugs, go to TNA and get a haircut), the WWE abruptly turned Matt face and threw his expanding waistline into the midcard.

Hardy began to become more and more delusional as he believed that the groundswell that brought him back in 2005 was actual support for him. Wrestling fans love supporting what they’re not esposed to, and when Hardy was fired, it seemed like the rebel thing to do was to demand his return. Once he came back, we remembered that it was Matt Hardy and then quickly moved on. Only Matt didn’t get the memo. With his increasingly Garfield-esque appearance, Matt engaged in forgettable feuds with Drew McIntyre and…uh…

The one thing that Matt Hardy thought he was doing right was keeping in contact with his fans. He had a Twitter account, which picked up significant steam when he became the go-to source for Jeff Hardy news. Once again, Matt mistook people caring about his brother for people caring about him. Hardy also kept up a YouTube channel where he would post videos to his Mattitude followers. They were confusing and uncomfortable broadcasts, which made many of us hope that this was all some sort of viral character development. I mean, he couldn’t be that crazy, could he?

Turns out he is. After numerous shots to the noggin, it looks like Matt has finally made that turn towards crazy cat lady. At a time where people are desperate to just keep a job, Matt decided to be vocal and demand a better push. It was at this point that we began to wonder if Jeff was also his dealer in addition to being his cash cow. Hardy tried to argue that he deserved to be pushed because of his loyalty, though I tend to envision that his argument was more akin to Richard Gere’s “I got no place else to go!”

When Vince wouldn’t give Matt what he wanted (and honestly, why would he considering the decline in Hardy’s physical appearance and in-ring production), Matt began to throw electronic hissy fits. Not since Frederick Douglas has there been a bigger champion of liberation from bondage.

The rumor was that Vince didn’t want to let Matt go because he was worried that TNA would reunite the Hardy Boys and this would topple the WWE. Five bucks says that this rumor came directly from the delusions-of-grandeur infected Matt Hardy. I can’t blame McMahon for being bitter about the fact that one of his creations is going to go make money for another company, but we have to remember that the company we’re talking about is TNA. They already have The Dudleys, Kurt Angle, Mick Foley, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, ECW, Mr. Kennedy and Jeff Hardy…do you REALLY think that Vince is losing sleep over the possibility of them getting Matt Hardy?

If Matt does wind up in TNA, there’s going to be one of two things that’ll happen. One is that he shows up to join the Immortals (which you know is going to be a sick joke in about ten years given the current rate at which wrestlers die prematurely), which makes him arguably the 10th biggest star on that team. Or, he shows up to question why Jeff would turn his back on all of those full wallets…I mean fans…and then we’d get yet another unspectacular Matt/Jeff feud. I’m truly quaking in my WWE-supported boots that this might be the thing that turns the tide.

Then again, X-Pac’s defection to RAW did kinda help topple WCW, so anything’s possible.

Nothing to Brag About

The WWE, through backchannels, is attempting to downplay the success of their upcoming “Bragging Rights” PPV. This, in the wake of months of steady buyrate decline, is the kind of old political tactic that I’m shocked has come from a company that’s also running Linda’s sinking ship campaign (11 points down isn’t insurmountable, but it ain’t gonna be easy). See, the idea is that you lower expectations, so that even a mild disappointment is viewed as a win.

The card for Bragging Rights is the epitome of filler, which is actually the kind of show that I like. Call me crazy, but I love it when they’re going to just throw shit against the wall and see what works. The shit in question is Wade Barrett, who, as was discussed in “The People’s Column”, is the fastest rising star in years with pigmentation. Wade is being given a chance to potentially headline a Pay-Per-View against the WWE Champion, which alone makes NXT a huge success. It’s like I said when the whole experiment started; if the show makes one star, it can’t be called anything other than an unconditional triumph.

In addition to giving Wade the spotlight and allowing John Cena to do some of his most creative outings in forever, we may also get a definitive conclusion to Kane/Undertaker. Part of me wants to see this storyline extend to it’s inevitable conclusion at Survivor Series, but a Buried Alive match is pretty definitive. Either the WWE is going to have Undertaker toss Kane and Paul Bearer into the hole like a Jew down the well, or we’re going to get yet another hokey SyFy finish in which Taker gets buried only to have his hand pop up from the ground like Sissy Spacek, leading to ANOTHER gimmick match. Regardless of the outcome, we know the match will be slow and plodding, which hopefully means it’ll be short.

Speaking of short, Kaval’s off of Team Smackdown for Bragging Rights. And that’s fine with me. Kaval last week made his point that he can hang with The Big Show, which already adds a ton of credibility to his character. On top of that, his gutsy decision to take on Tyler Reks (a name that I never thought I’d be typing again) gave him what Michael Hayes probably described as his Clint Eastwood moment. Sure, he lost, but he looked strong. Plus, if (when) this show lays an egg, it’s better to have him at a safe distance away from the stench.

The teams so far for RAW and Smackdown are about as random as they come. RAW’s crew is heel-heavy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing since The Miz is the captain. Sheamus is probably going to be the star for Team RAW anyway, as he has a chance to further cement his spot as top upcoming heel by bumping off Rey Mysterio or Big Show. CM Punk on the team is another marquee name, though I wouldn’t mind seeing him snap again and decide to just take out Santino Marella (though most people figured that he’ll bump off Show to get some head back from the feud). Speaking of Santino, he’s on the team to either be a quick elimination for the re-debuting Reks or to be bumped from the team entirely like Cryme Time was last year). As of now (before tonight’s RAW), that only leaves Team Crazy Buddycop Movie and a mystery position. They teased that the mystery person would be John Cena initially, but with him in the main event, maybe this is going to be the spot where Triple H chooses to make his return. Or it’ll be Primo.

Team Smackdown-for once-has the star power. Big Show, Edge, Kurt Swangle and Rey Mysterio are all former World Champions, and Kofi Kingston is another bona-fide big star. Del Rio and Reks are the newer members, but being seen in the company of top level talent is only going to help them in the long run. The tension on this team obviously comes from Del Rio and Mysterio. My guess is that Del Rio will cheapshot Rey, which will lead him to get pinned. Big Show will get angry and knock out Alberto, causing him to get eliminated. Thus, wacky hijinks ensue and Team RAW gets the win. Or something.

The card may seem pretty lackluster, but that’s the nature of the gimmick. With PPV numbers declining, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shtick-a-month idea doesn’t get abandoned in favor of the old generic shows. Having Bragging Rights a month before Survivor Series never made a ton of sense, as it isn’t a strong enough gimmick to stand on it’s own. However, if you make it an attraction at Survivor Series (with something attached to it for the winners), you may have something.

If I may indulge for a moment, I think there’s a pretty simple solution to the problem. Bragging Rights, as a show, needs to have a REASON for the teams to compete. Brand loyalty used to work just fine back when there were never any crossovers between shows, but now it isn’t uncommon to see a RAW star on Smackdown or vice-versa. Like the All-Star Game, the WWE needs to make this count (though for the record I see no reason why the All-Star Game needs anything attached to it as a stipulation).

The great thing about wrestling is that you can change the rules and no one notices. With the entire universe of pro wrestling existing as a fabrication, the stakes can be raised or lowered whenever they see fit. There are “prizes” that the winning team can get, and they need to care. One is that the winning team could get an extra draft pick in the WWE Randomizer Draft. The chance to get one more big name is motivating, since these guys would want the best competition. Another “prize” is one more entrant in the Rumble, making it 16-14 instead of 15-15. Finally, they could put the prize of Main Event at Wrestlemania on the line.

Boom, there’s three motivational reasons right there. First, with one more draft pick for your show, that means one less chance of you being moved off of your brand. Second, the extra slot in the Rumble means that if you’re on the “bubble”, you have a better shot at getting in. Lastly, since every wrestler should believe that they could be champion (or at the very least win the Royal Rumble), they would all want the chance to headline Wrestlemania.

Next, since Survivor Series should have the monopoly on elimination-tag matches, why not do a straight-up RAW v. Smackdown card? It would give everyone a one-month reprieve from the current storylines, not to mention some fresh match-ups. Kane/Orton wouldn’t be too bad to watch, plus it would allow the Undertaker/Kane feud to culminate at a bigger show. There could be a US/IC match, which, thanks to some booking, could be Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler. The tag champions could face one RAW Team and one Smackdown Team, making it Drew & Cody v. Truth & Morrison v. The Dudebusters. Then you could throw Big Show and Punk in a match, Sheamus and Mysterio and Barrett and Kaval (season one versus season two of NXT). Just like that, you have a more intriguing show that gives every match a REASON to exist.

But I’m sure this’ll work out just fine.

Lastly, before getting down to business, let me get my plugs in, as shameless as they are. You can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post in the convenient comment section down below.

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review 10/18/10

“Gorgeous George…”

We don’t waste any time as we go right into the Nickelback torture. I like how the RAW opening now features both Nexus and CM Punk. Them kids work fast, I tells ya.

There’s pyro, there’s ballyhoo, there’s screaming fans, but sadly they’ve yet to bring back the screeching siren that signified Attitude. Or an ambulance.

And here comes…Teddy Long? Zuh?

Teddy introduces himself because Vince honestly believes that people don’t watch Smackdown and watch RAW exclusively, thus having no idea what is happening on the other shows. Long says he’s taking over, but the GMail goes off.

The tie-less Michael Cole says that Long should get out of his ring as he has no business being there. Teddy reminds us that Bragging Rights is Smackdown versus RAW. I think they named a video game after that: Contra. Teddy brings out the Bragging Rights Trophy, which somehow prompts another GMail, telling Long that he should get out of the ring…or else. Damn Canadian hospitality.

Teddy and Cole get into an argument as the GMail goes off for a third time, prompting a Jerry chant from the clearly confused Cannucks. Long goes to the GMail podium to announce that the RAW GMail has been disconnected. He then introduces the winning team at Bragging Rights…Team Smackdown. Oh come on, at least warn us when there’s gonna be a spoiler.

Big Show is out first with that ridiculous bandana. Edge is out second, and I hope he challenges the stupidity of this segment. Alberto Del Rio is third and for the love of all things holy, put some pants on that guy. Kofi’s out fourth. Kurt Swangle is fifth. Tyler Reks is out sixth and he looks like a Slipknot mask. Speaking of masks, here comes Rey. Because he wears a mask. He also wears incredibly flamboyant zebra pants. Not that there’s anything no bueno with that.

Awesome, here comes The Miz (along with the Mizfit). Miz’s shirt has an awesome [C] logo, which either means he’s the captain or someone’s taken a copyright out on him, in which case this column cannot be reproduced or retransmitted without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

Miz calls the Smackdown Team Smurfs, with my favorite one being him calling Tyler Reks Homeless Smurf. That is now the most entertaining moment Tyler Reks has ever (and will ever) beget. Miz reminds us that he was the only individual winner at last year’s show, so this year he’s bringing the trophy back to the A-Show.

Here comes….Team Raw. CM Punk is out first, sporting a snazzy new hairdo. John Slo-Mo-Rrison and beard is out second, and there’s something odd about Miz hyping him. Speaking of odd, here comes Santino. Please let him test positive for steroids. Ezekiel Jackson is the “mystery” man, and I like it because I actually kinda dig Jackson. Finally, da lahs membah ah da team’s Sheamus.

Miz says that Smackdown needs to get out of the ring he’ll make them get out. They storm and suddenly I’m watching what looks like a bunch of red and blue M&Ms bouncing around my screen. Since Vince is a Republican, I can only imagine that he’s going to let the red shirts beat the blue shirts. In a swerve, however, Team RAW winds up retreating.

Big Show says that he knows that this is RAW (because it’s a Monday, not a Tuesday), but he won’t leave unless Miz agrees to a Captain v. Captain match. Sadly, Christian and Lou Albano are unavailable as they are both on the shelf…one more permanently than the other.

Miz and those dirty Red Commies retreat, which I guess means the Cold War is over. Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Seriously, Put on a Fucking Tie” Cole berate Teddy Long, including Lawler calling Long a waste of skin. Feel free to make your old racism v. Southern joke here:___________

We now get a recap of last week when McGillicutty and Harris jumped John Cena. We were warned by Cole that this footage was uncomfortable, and I have to assume that it’s because the nose-to-nose stuff is borderline homoerotic and some kids might start to get funny feelings down below. And the last thing Linda wants to be accused of is promoting homosexuality, as it goes against the Republican platform of tolerance for all (coughwhiteupperclassChristianscough).

That’s the last joke at Linda’s expense, I promise. That is, unless Vince continues down his ridiculous path to call out Michelle Obama. Seriously, he’s now stealing from WCW? How is this any different than the time Bischoff challenged Vince to a match? I mean, aside from the fact that I’m pretty sure Michelle could beat the shit out of McMahon. Seriously, don’t mess with a woman who went to law school, they are tough, tough ladies.

Commercial.

We’re back and the tag team champions are ALREADY IN THE RING. First they get jobbed out on Smackdown and now they’re reduced to Barry Horowitz-esque entrances. I guess those giant penny titles aren’t worth what they used to be.

Here comes The Hart Dynasty, who get an entrance…but not because they’re pandering. On the plus side, I’m pretty sure they’re going to lose and turn on one another, since they’re the hometown heroes. Also, why the hell is Drew wearing Confederate Flag trunks? I don’t remember there being a ton of Scottish Klansmen.

Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre v. The Hart Dynasty w/ Natalya

Cole earns 10 SAT points for using the word absconded, because I guess he would be branded a racist if he accused Teddy Long of simply stealing his computer.

The fans chant that they want Bret, but instead all they’re gonna get is the offspring of his onetime hot sister. Kidd gets manhandled to start, with Drew flinging him to the outside and bouncing him off of the barricade. McIntyre throws him back in and suplexes him onto the second rope so that Cody can kick him in the ribs. Hey, a novel double-team move. Maybe they’re learning to work as a tandem…which means it’s time to break them up. Sorry, standard WWE procedure.

Drew goes for a belly-to-back, but the crowd is chanting so loudly that the hard-cam is shaking! Canada: where the economy is stable but the ground isn’t. Kidd tags in Smith who gets a two-count on McIntyre. He then hits the running powerslam for two, but Cody breaks it up. For some reason, Cole lichens him to a cat, which didn’t really work.

The Hart Dynasty tease going for The Hart Attack, but Smith decides to go for the Sharpshooter and after Canadian miscommunications, Smith gets dropped with Future Shock. Tyson walks evilly towards the back, like a smug moose. Because they’re in Canada. And there’s moose in Canada. Shut up, it works.

John Cena is in the back fiddling with his arm band, but that gets interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton says that Cena being in Nexus is eating him alive, but John wouldn’t have an issue with robbing Randy of his title. Orton has no problem…sigh…kicking him in his skull. Cena says that he’ll break Randy’s leg off. Unless Orton’s really Mad Dog Vachon, that could get messy.

Commercial.

We’re back with a…promo for Get Crunk. Yeah, that was a valuable use of television time. Guess our next segment’s going to feature Duke “The Dumpster” Droese collecting trash.

Goldust w/ Aksana v. Zach Ryder w/out Ring Entrance

Goldust is wearing the Million Dollar Title and he’s apparently engaged to his NXT rookie to prevent her from being deported. Teddy DiBiase and Maryse are at the entrance ramp to show their disapproval.

Goldust does his patented uppercut and then hits the Final Cut and that’s it. What years is it, 1995? Here comes Ahmed Johnson…I mean Ted DiBiase, who attacks Goldust. Aksana bolts with the title while being chased by Maryse. In the ring, Goldust drops Teddy. Seems like a golden opportunity for a…

Commercial.

Nexus is in the back with John Cena. Barrett wants Cena to test the “new kids” to see if they’re good enough to join Nexus. John clarifies that Wade really wants him to go all JBL on them. But first, Wade wants Cena to get him a glass of water.

In the back, that kid from “Role Models” is playing Smackdown v. RAW 2011. The Miz pops up behind him and says that tonight he’s going to beat Big Show. Bobb’e Thompson gets manhandled by Miz, but then Big Show shows up to chase him off.

We’re back and Cena gives Barrett a glass of water. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Wade tosses the water in John’s face, and if I know my 1930’s screwball comedies, this means Barrett is going to get his in the end, dagnabbit.

Commercial.

Our RAW mustache & beard rewind is of Cena being attacked by those dang kids from NXT.

John Cena & Randy Orton v. Perfectly Husky

Cena is out first in those stupid LSU colors and he takes a moment to look at the water stain on his shirt. It would have killed him to change? It’s not like finding a John Cena shirt is hard to locate in that arena. Lazy bastard.

Randy Orton is out next as we’re reminded that it’s Barrett versus Orton and could the graphic of Wade be any bigger? Seriously, his image is violating the Wellness Policy.

Harris & McGillicutty come out to the NXT Season Two theme song, which I actually kinda digged.

As they enter the ring, Wade Barrett and the Midcard All-Stars make an appearance. First Teddy and now them? Seriously, just put some chairs up there. Let them be comfortable.

Cena and Michael start out and John wails away on him. John rams him into the corner before whipping into the other corner and hitting a fisherman’s suplex. Guess it’s the deadliest catch-as-catch can. High-larious.

Commercial.

Alright, I’ll admit it, Weezer’s new CD has finally grown on me. Over the course of two weeks, my two favorite bands (Guster and Weezer) released new albums, prompting me to buy my first compact disk since…the last Weezer album.

We’re back and Orton hits a dropkick on McGillicutty. Randy tags in Cena, so I guess John’s forgiven him for the whole trying to detonate him with pyro like Wile E. Coyote thing.

McGillicutty tags in Husky Harris, who wails away on Cena. Harris charges John in the corner for a two-count. Cole reminds us that this is their job interview to get into Nexus, which is tough considering they have such high standards as David Otunga.

Husky whips Cena into the ropes and hits a leaping forearm for two. I’ve always dug this guy and am glad to see him not looking lost out there. Harris grabs a rest hold for a bit before slamming John so hard that the copyright logo pops up. Husky goes for a big splash but John moves out of the way.

We get a slow crawl before Orton comes in and delivers the same scoop slam Napoleon was hit with at Waterloo. Orton hits the unnamed second-rope DDT as Cole utters the dumbest line in years by pointing out that Randy is entering the point in time where he hears voices. Cena hits the FU on Husky Harris and Randy connects with the RKO on McGillicutty for the pin.

Wade Barrett stops Cena from shaking hands with Orton before demanding that John leave the ring. Why? Why not make him attack Randy? Seriously, this is like having a magic genie lamp and instead of wishing for money you wish for stock market acumen.

Barrett says that Cena has the best view to watch Orton get attacked, which furthers the lack of logic. Nexus surrounds the ring but Randy makes them look like chumps for a few seconds until they gain the upper hand. Randy keeps fighting back but once again gets taken down. They’ve so far been called dogs, vultures and jackals tonight, and I had to check my guide to make sure I wasn’t watching Animal Planet. Or hacky analogies planet.

Nexus beats down Orton, with the scariest moment being when Otunga was allowed to execute his sloppy slam. Seriously, stop letting rookies get in the ring with Orton. Gabriel climbs to the top rope for the Stupid Stupid 450 Splash, and thankfully he doesn’t kill Randy with it.

Wade demands that John now gets in the ring, which makes him look all conflicted and sad. He is our generation’s Clark Gable. Barrett demands that Cena deliver an FU to Orton. John lifts Randy on his shoulders, but Wade doesn’t want him to steal his spotlight, so John hands Orton to Wade so that he can hit Baba O’Riley. Cena leaves in disgust, which seems a bit harsh. I mean, I thought the segment worked well.

Commercial.

How the hell does a commercial for “Star Wars: The Force Unleashed” look more badass than three prequels?

We’re back with a replay of the beatdown on Randy Orton, which isn’t as painful as…

Vickie Guerrero. She introduces herself because-once-again-fans apparently don’t watch Smackdown. Vickie introduces Dolph Ziggler, who is wearing a suit with the Intercontinental Title. Now that is pretty cool. I love when champions wear the titles.

Dolph talks about how awesome he is and how lucky he s to be with Vickie. This gets interrupted by Daniel Bryan. Bryan says that he isn’t a ladies man, but even he could do better than Vickie. He says he isn’t shredded and he doesn’t have movie star good looks and peroxide-infested hair, but he does have the ability to capitalize on any mistake in the ring and the ability to make Dolph tap out. Well, I guess they’re going with my idea for Bragging Rights.

Ziggler takes off his jacket and says they should do this right now, before slapping Bryan. Daniel charges, but he hides behind Vickie. Bryan tackles Ziggler through the ropes and holds Dolph from escaping and locks in the Patti LaBelle lock.

Speaking of Divas, here comes a bunch of WWE Divas. They all surround Vickie, kinda like they did last week with LayCool, only this week they have a bucket. The bucket had glitter in it. Who booked this? Doink?

The Divas and Daniel Bryan dance, and Bryan busts out the Rikishi moves. He dances with each woman as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Natalya is already in the ring.

Natalya v. Alicia Fox

Natalya and Alicia lock up, as they battle over who can keep the vowel at the end of their name. Fox gets launched into the corner before being dropped by a double-arm suplex. Natalya drags Fox into the center of the ring and locks in a Sharpshooter and that’ll do it. At least she lasted longer than Zach Ryder.

LayCool come out and mock Canada. Layla gets heat by mocking their beer before saying that the Harts don’t belong in the Hall of Fame, but rather the loony bin. Well, you can’t really argue with that. LayCool take down Natalya, culminating in Michelle locking in a Sharphooter. Natalya reverses it and they stumble out of the ring like Boss Hog.

We get a replay of CM Punk decimating Evan Bourne last week, which of course leads to…

That Fucking Midget handing out with Big Show, Teddy Long and Mini-Orton. Long rips Matthews before having That Fucking Midget lead out the entire Smackdown roster with a flag.

Commercial.

Gillette’s slogan can’t really be that it prevents irritating tug and pull. Cum on!

We’re back with a WWE TV-PG pro-pro-wrestling promo. For some reason they chose to keep Jeff Hardy in the package. We get a montage of stars and “stars” hyping World Wrestling Entertainment. This package has done a great job making the WWE seem like a stand-up organization. I hate to let the facts get in the way of a good story, but the company actually does a lot of good.

John Cena is in the back and he’s greeted once again by Wade Barrett. He isn’t finished with Cena and he isn’t finished with Orton.

Commercial.

So the gist of Stand Up for WWE is to have us work to do the work of Linda’s campaign for her. I’m all for rallying against people who attack the WWE with baseless and ignorant claims, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being whored out by Vince and exploited. Wow, this is the first time I ever really felt like a Superstar.

We’re back and Guest Host is in the ring and he’s inviting boos. Wow, Canadians are hartless to boo a kid. Team Smackdown is out first, followed by the rest of the Smackdown roster (aka Team “I didn’t know he still worked for the WWE”).

Awesome, it’s the Miz once again. He’s accompanied by The Mizfit only.

Big Show v. Miz

Miz sends away The Mizfit before Miz calls out Mizfit and the rest of Team RAW. They’re followed by the rest of the RAW roster. Apparently these are combustible elements. I’m pretty sure if Primo and JTG got in the same ring, Canada would explode.

Show powers Miz into the corner, rips off his shirt and smacks him. If Miz was wearing a cross, this would be one hell of a flashback. Show tosses Miz around but The Miz connects with two boots to one of the many chins before being dumped out of the ring. Show attacks some RAW guys but then rolls back into the ring. Theodore Long comes out again and says that we should have a Battle Royal.

Battle Royal: A Bunch of guys in Red v. A Bunch of guys in Blue

Commercial.

Buried Alive promos are always better than Buried Alive matches.

We’re back and it’s Battle Royal time. I just saw JTG tossed over the top rope. The ring is too filled up and people can’t really move. At the announce position, That Fucking Midget attacks Cole and steals his headset, and I honestly can’t tell the difference.

In the ring, there’s a lot of bright colors just standing around. The Matherpiece gets dumped over the top rope. Punk and Edge are trading some impressive looking blows and Mark Henry eliminates Tyler Reks. Henry gets dumped by Big Show and Cody Rhodes, and I’m not sure if this is every man for himself or team versus team. More importantly, do I care?

Chavo and Regal both get eliminated and they walk up the ramp together talking about how this is still better than having to wrestle at Hog Wild. That Fucking Midget hits Cole with the flag again as Primo gets eliminated.

The fans keep themselves entertained by chanting “We want Bret” as Santino gets eliminated. I haven’t seen this many red people get eliminated since the Trail of Tears.

Del Rio and Morrison are on the apron on the outside as the announcers yell about something with The Big Show that we can’t see. Del Rio and Morrison fight on the second turnbuckle and they eliminate each other. Swangle and Punk get dumped. Swangle pulls out Edge and locks in a Swangle-lock. Hey, same team! Same team! Colorblind asshole.

Sheamus hammers away on Big Show as Jackson tosses Mysterio. He then eliminated the tag champions. It’s Jackson, Bryan, Sheamus, Miz and Big Show. Show dumps Bryan with ease, but gets double-teamed by Jackson and Sheamus. They double-suplex him.

Miz and Sheamus both get Big Show over the top rope, but he’s on the apron. Edge runs in the ring and spears Sheamus as Big Show dumps Miz. Edge and Show celebrate as we’re reminded that Edge got dragged under the bottom rope and never went over the top.

Nexus is in the back as Wade tells them that they’re all going to practice what it’ll be like for when Barrett wins. Barrett demands that Cena raises his hand in victory, so he does it. We fade out on Barrett’s creepy smile.

This has been for your consideration.

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