Before I get started…
I’m a guy who likes a good Us vs Them sitcheeation. I’ve always been a fan of factions, turf wars, my guys vs your guys, mafioso type things.
I’m talmbout the Rebel Alliance vs the Galactic Empire.
I’m talmbout Bad Bay vs Death Row.
I’m talmbout Backstreet Boys vs *N’Sync.
I dig the factions. I dig the conflict, I love the “When the dust settles, whoever’s left standing will be in charge!”
So, this whole “Immortal” faction has gotten me pondering what some of my favorite and least favorite factions have been throughout my pro wrestling fandom. So, in no particular order, here are some good ‘uns… and some bad ‘uns.
1- U.P. Y.O.R.S.
Ah, the Union of People You Oughta Respect, Shane (not “son”, as Wiki incorrectly states). This was the group that took on the Corporate Ministry in the late spring of 1999 in the WWE. Ken Shamrock, Mick Foley, Test and The Big Show comprised its membership, and I thought they were pretty cool.
2- The Oddities.
Yeah, I know, but at the time, Golga, Kurrgan The Interrogator, Luna, and Giant Silva were pretty cool. I even liked their theme music, despite it coming from the Insane Clown Posse. Plus, that little time period where Sable was added to the group was great, a “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” thing.
Yeah. This was god-awful. X-Pac, Justin Credible and Albert. Together. In one group. With the worst entrance music ever. I don’t know what purpose they served and I’m almost upset just thinking about them. Needless to say, they sucked, and that’s coming from someone who counts Ernest Goes To Camp amongst his favorite films.
2- Misfits In Action.
General Hugh G. Rection. Major Gunns. Lieutenant Loco. G.I. Bro. Because, see, they’ve got silly names, and some of them are sexual innuendo. And that’s funny. Allegedly.
3- The n.W.o.
I know, we’ve reached the “Friggin’ Obvious” portion of the segment, but we were bound to get there. I was late to the n.W.o. party. I didn’t start watching wrestling again full-time until Fall of 1997, so basically the lead-in to Hogan vs Sting at Starrcade 1997. I loved watching them saunter down to the ring, cut promos on everyone, and then squash their enemies. I loved it so much that the major influence on my Senior Year of High School Swagger was the New World Order. My friends and I would gather on the bus platform in the morning before we were allowed in the building, or in the lobby, exchanging the “Too Sweet!” hand symbol and milling about the way Hogan, Hall, Nash, Bischoff, Bagwell, Norton, and Vincent did in the ring. It was awesome. Needless to say, our conversations were peppered with “Too Sweeeeeet!” and “4 Life!”‘s and various other catch phrases. Ahh, the good old days.
4- D-Generation X.
Friggin’ Obvious Part 2. I’ll never forget how hilarious it was seeing Shawn Michaels walking down the ramp pointing to his junk, looking left to right, telling the Raw is War audience to “Suck it” over and over again. It was vulgar, it was crude, it was hilarious, and for where I was in my life at that point, that bit of rebellion and shock value was great. My guys and I would line up and deliver the non-X’d crotch chop to anyone that gave us any kind of grief about anything. It was a wonderful weapon that drove the girls we were friends with c-r-a-z-y. So yeah, watching Hunter and Shawn be goofy, perverted, and funny–while winning titles and pissing off the world, was great. Watching Hunter, Chyna, X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws being less piss-off-the-world’y and more juvenile, was also great. Plus, anyone who didn’t wet themselves watching the infamous (and definitely a bit racist) “d-X impersonates The Nation” bit is a heathen who hates freedom.
3- Los Boricuas/The Truth Commission/Disciples of Apocalypse
Because they all just kinda blurred into each other. These groups were mostly done by the fall of 1997, but from what I’ve read about the WWF’s “Gang Wars”, I didn’t miss much. However… I did enjoy Los Boricuas’ entrance music, as I did hearing Michael Cole pronounce their name as “Lohs Bud-ee-kwuz.”
4- The L.W.O.
That’s right. The muthatruckin’ Latino World Order. Eddy Guerrero and a bunch of Luchadores walkin’ around in green’n’red’n’white t-shirts. How does one say “Jumped the Shark” en espanol?
Anyway, that’s just the ones I liked or disliked the most. I know I’m leaving out The Radicalz, The 4 Horsemen, Evolution, The Filthy Animals, the Hart Foundation, and the Main Event Mafia, but I either don’t remember or wasn’t really paying attention during their hey-day.
Also, I loved the n.W.o. Wolfpac, but talking about them would make me remember the fingerpoke of doom, and that would make me sad. You know what wouldn’t make me sad?
That’s right. Say it with me:
Getting able to one day, finally, make out with my hot friend Vanessa.
Alright, Alright. I’ll get on with it.
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
The broadcast begins with highlights from last week’s episode. To keep up, you should read last week’s column. G’on, I’ll wait.
Tonite’s episode: “The One Where Rob Van Damned”
The show opens up with Mr. Anderson… Anderson… Rivera… Anderson making his way down to the ring. Him arm be in a sling, his head be in a hat, and him face be got a puss on, LAWD A’MERCY!
Anderson grabs el microfon and says he’s begging “Jeffro” Hardy to take his testicles out of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff’s purse, sac them babies up, put his mascara on, put his pantyhose on his arms, and get to the ring right friggin’ now.
Instead of Jeff Hardy coming out all crossdress’d up, we get Rob Van Dam making his way down to the ring. RVD asks if Anderson wants Hardy, if Anderson feels screwed out of the belt that he never watch. RVD wonders how long Jeff has been playing him. RVD says Hardy should get out there so he can whoop on Hardy, and Anderson can get in line.
Just then, Jeff Hardy appears on the big TNA TV and starts kicking some spooktacular gibberish. Jeff says that forgiveness is something that we all have in us but so few are willing to give. He says we all do each other wrong and that we’re all messed up, it’s human nature. Jeff says he did both of them wrong by telling Abyss to prepare RVD for supper and beating Anderson at his own game. Jeff asks if they can find it in their hearts to forgive him please, please, please. Great creepy promo by Jeff.
Just thenner, Eric Bischoff comes out to a chorus of boos. He says he’s happy to see RVD and Anderson in the ring together because he wants to invite them to a very special edition of TNA Reaction so he can unveil how he and Hogan planned out their takeover. Bischoff says he feels somewhat responsible for Anderson’s predicament. He asks for Anderson’s forgiveness and says he feels he didn’t give him the opportunity to become TNA champion because he didn’t challenge him enough. He says tonite he’s going to give Anderson a match with Kazarian tonite, an X-Division match. He says Anderson doesn’t have to win, just grab the “X” and he’ll get a title shot with Hardy. Bischoff says he knows that Hardy setting up RVD and anything similar would make anyone paranoid. Bischoff says lots of people are calling to ask to join Immortal, and that RVD shouldn’t worry about it (foreshadowing!). Bischoff says it’ll be RVD and Sabu vs Beer Money Incorporated tonite.
Credits be rolling, and they look to be made up entirely of Immortal highlights.
Tonite we’ll see Sarita take on Mickie James, and Yowza, Mickie James’ picture is like 83% cleavage.
The TNA roving reporter catches up with The Shore. TNA Roving Reporter asks Cookie how she is following an up-roughing at the hands of J-Woww last week. Cookie says that it was four on one, and we cut. Also, Robbie E. was there. I know that was implied by me saying “The Shore”, but I’m a stickler for details. And boobs.
Sorry, couldn’t be helped.
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening. I’m going to use it to acquire lemonade. Mmm, lemonade.
Impact = back, and RVD storms into the locker room asking which E.V. 2.0 guy has been talking to Bischoff about joining Immortal. He accuses everyone, and when he asks Raven, Raven replies with “Go smoke another bowl.” Hurt, shocked, and offended, Rob Van Dam then jumps Raven and the two have to be separated by the E.V. 2.0 peeps… and D’Lo. Tommy Dreamer tried calming things down, but RVD and Sabu storm out. Tommy Dreamer then makes the Lacey Von Erich Commemorative “Why are my friends mad and sad?” Hurt Face. Only way less hot.
We are then shown clips from last week’s TNA Reaction visit with J-Woww from Jersey Shore. J-Woww says that Robbie E. and Cookie are imitating her and her friends and that “It is what it is” (I hate that phrase), and they’ll have to settle it in the ring. They cut to the ring and show J-Woww bouncing her own boobs, and that never gets old. They then show the brawl between J-Woww and Cookie. TNA Voice-over guy asks if this is the last we’ll see of J-Woww, then J-Woww says that she’s got a little TNA Fever and might have to revisit.
Also, I’d like to point out that I’m a Pulitzer prize winning author, but I’m covering a TNA-JS catfight. Okay, I don’t really have a Pulitzer, but I do have panache, and the two are similar.
Anyway, they’ve got a “TMZ” logo on the screen and they’re asking Robbie E. and Cookie about Jersey Shore, if Robbie E. would ever leave Cookie for one of the girls on Shore. Robbie scoffs, Cookie says J-Woww won’t dare return, and subtlety, thy name is TNA.
We cut back to the ring, where The Amazing Red is waiting for a match. Out comes Robbie E. and Cookie, and the weird-lookin’ TNA fans are fist-pumping, and that was fun. They show the J-Woww vs Cookie catfight AGAIN.
It’s Robbie. E. vs The Amazing Red!
Mmmm, lemonade. Oh, the match. Robbie kicks and stomps away on Red in the corner, hits a takedown, poses, but then gets hit with a kick and a punch. Red bounces against the ropes but gets slammed down by Robbie. Robbie charges Red in the corner but eats a boot. Robbie recovers with a shoulder-thrust and a punch, but Red hits a flying headscissors. Red hits a speed kick that gets a two count. Crowd is chanting “Red! Red!” and it’s nice to see them into it. Red dives off the top rope and attempts a cross body but Robbie gives him a two-handed shove down to the mat. Robbie E. hits a quick Diamond Cutter-Twist of Fate’esque move and gets the pin.
Winner: Robbie E.
Post-match, Robbie gets on the mic and says for TNA X-Division Champion Jay Lethal to look at what he did to Lethal’s homeboy The Amazing Red. Robbie says he’s gonna do the same to Lethal and then “bling out” the X-Division title. Robbie says they’re tan, they’re hot, and Lethal’s not. So… even tho’ Lethal’s black… I mean… Tanning… Anyway, Cookie says that Jersey is in the house, bitches, while the fans at the Impact Zone chant a very loud “Boring.” In The Shore’s defense, it wasn’t boring, it was just kinda dumb. Cookie gives that stupid kissy-face peace sign thing that white girls do in facebook pictures, and we cut.
We’re shown video footage from “Earlier This Week”, where “”The Pope”” is in Harlem at a strip club. I’d make a comment about this being racially stereotypical, but we just made fun of i-talians, so I guess it all balances out. “”The Pope”” is enjoying the dancing talent, but then stops to talk about how when the wolves (Kevin Nash and Sting) left the arena, he was left taking on a pack of hyenas. “”The Pope”” says he’ll finish this by himself if he has to. He then calls out “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles and invites him to fight. He then goes back to the dancer and enjoys her Juilliard training.
(they teach the booty-wop at Juilliard, right?)
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening. They show the Mariano Rivera-Joe Girardi Taco Bell commercial, and it cracks me up when Girardi smacks the dude on the butt when he calls in Mo to finish the chalupa. Dunno why.
Impact… it’s… back! They have footage from a book signing of Mick Foley and, alas, it’s not from the one I went to. Brian Kendrick is in the crowd asking a question. He reads from page 98, and then asks a weird Brian Kendrick question that the crowd laughs at. Mick is stumped, and his delivery is great. Mick says that the book works on so many different levels, but that it might ruin the book if he gave his own interpretation. They cut to Kendrick in the autograph line asking more random questions. My own question is this: Am I weird for thinking that Kendrick’s bizarre ramblings make a ton of sense? Okay, don’t answer that.
We cut to the interview area of the Impact Zone where Fourtune is milling about talking smack about Rob Van Dam and Sabu. Beer Money says they’re the greatest, Ric Flair woo’s, and Kazarian says that if a one legged man can’t win an ass-kicking contest, how can a one-armed asshole beat him in a wrestling match. Careful, Kaz. A one armed man fucked up Harrison Ford’s life once.
A.J. chimes in and mocks “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero for challenging him to a fight. Styles mocks harlem, and he says he’s gonna put his Television Title on the line in a Street Fight. Styles asks where his belt is, Ric finds i, and behind it is… a Smirnoff Ice! Ric Flair is iced! I don’t care what anybody says, that bit is great and I can’t wait to get one of my friends with it. Ric takes a knee and chugs the Smirnoff Ice. Awesome.
Bischoff breaks up the party by saying that, in fairness to “”The Pope””, if Fourtune interferes, they’ll strip Styles of the belt and award it to “”The Pope.”” Hmm… That’s weird. A.J. is non-plussed, Ric tosses the Smirnoff Ice bottle away, and that’s our visit with Fourtune.
We cut to…
*puts on Barry White*
*sends F.R.E.D. to other room*
We cut to… The Beautiful People backstage! They’re talking about make-up and boys and shopping and Twilight and the other stuff that women talk about when Miss Tessmacher comes in and asks for help learning how to wrestle. Tessmacher says she’ll do anything, and Velvet Sky says she can start by kissing her ass. All in favor? Aye. All opposed? YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTHS!
Lacey Von Erich, sweet, benevolent Lacey, says she thinks they should give Miss Tessmacher a second chance, but of course Angelina Love and Velvet sky scoff. Scoff, I say! Velvet then leaves with Lacey to teach her a wrestling move (Mmmm…) leaving Angelina Love… with Winter (the woman formerly known as Katie-Lea Burchill)!
Katie Lea is in the mirror looking like a cross between Amy Dumas and Morticia Adams, and Angelina Love looks a bit spooked. Winter says in a tres creepi way she’s been waiting a long time to meet her, Love thanks her, and then Velvet Sky walks in. Oddly enough, Winter is nowhere to be found when Sky walked in. Velvet says Angelina needs sleepies because she’s talking to imaginary friends, Angelina shakes it off, and we be done.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening, which I use to try to “Ice” F.R.E.D. He fell for the set-up, but when I told him he had to chug the bottle, F.R.E.D. said Smirnoff tastes like shit, then asked if I had any scotch.
Oh la Oh La Ayyy! Impact hath returned. “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero is making his way out to the ring for his match. They show what happened last week when “”The Pope”” fought five members of Fourtune and ultimately lost as a result of the numbers game. A.J. Styles is out next.
It’s “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles (c) vs “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero in a TNA Television Championship match!
A.J. Styles stays at the top of the ramp and yells for “”The Pope”” to meet him at the top. Dinero acquiesces, and the two men brawl atop the entranceway. Styles tries irish-whipping Dinero off the stage but Dinero puts the breaks on. Walking down the ramp, Dinero attempts to hit Styles with his belt but A.J. ducks and chops Dinero. Dinero recovers, smacks A.J.’s head into the ringside stairs, then catapults Styles into the ringpost. Dinero lands some solid punches on Styles on the outside, and then chokes A.J. with the tape around his wrist. “”The Pope”” is fired up as he rolls A.J. into the ring. Styles meets Dinero in the ring with some punches, and then lands a low blow, which is legal in a street fight.
A.J. Styles takes over with some kicks to “”The Pope””, then lands another punch. Styles loudly says “That’s how we do it in Gainesville, boy”, and that’s racist-sounding enough for me to clarify that he’s talking about Gainesville, GEORGIA, not the awesome Gainesville, FLORIDA that both me and Andy Wheeler represent.
Styles yells about the wrong Gainesville while fish-hooking “”The Pope””, but Dinero fights back with some forearms and a back elbow, but Styles rakes the eyes and then lands a couple of punches. Styles yells to the crowd how he’s too fast for Dinero, so Dinero responds by cocking his fist back for a punch. Styles ducks, then stands back up to see Dinero giving him the “N-Word Please!” look, which is followed up by several quick punches that send Styles to the mat. Punches give Dinero a two count. That was great. Old school, funny, just a great spot.
Crowd is clapping and stomping in support of Dinero, but A.J. knocks Dinero out of the ring. Styles slingshots himself over the top rope, but Dinero moves out of harms way. “”The Pope”” throws Styles back into the ring, but then Abyss comes out! Abyss pounds away at Dinero, and apparently this is perfectly legal because Abyss, while a member of Immortal, is NOT a member of Fourtune. Styles puts his arm around referee Earl Hebner, Hebner shoves him away. Abyss continues the assault, culminating in a Black Hole Slam. Styles covers, Hebner reluctantly makes the count, and Styles retains his title.
Winner and still champeen: “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles”
Post-Match, out comes Flair and Fourtune, who celebrate with Abyss… and Eric Bischoff, that evil fuck.
We cut to footage from earlier tonite, and Sarita is doing Yoga stretches in preparation for her match with Mickie James. She says she’s heard about Mickie’s success, but says she’s never had that success in TNA, and certainly not against Sarita. She says it’s too bad Mickie couldn’t have her debut against another knockout, and that’s that. Also, Sarita looked kinda hot in her tight yoga outfit. Mmmmm.
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. I think they should show commercials for fishing lures and stuff during TNA’s advert periods. It’d remind me of the old “WCW on TBS” days. “Hey Impact fans, do you need a quality stink bait? Maybe a duck call? Come on down to Charlie Reneke’s BEST BAIT SHOP EVER~!! We’re fixin’ to serve you!”
Imp_ct _s b_ck, and if you wanna buy some vowels, I know a guy who can help with that. “”The Pope”” runs into Samoa Joe on his way back to the locker room. Dinero is incredulous that Joe watched him get beat down without helping. “”The Pope”” says they can go at it against Immortal alone or they can go at it together and have each other’s back. Samoa Joe says he doesn’t have anyone’s back and walks away from “”The Pope.”” Dinero says this thing is much bigger than Joe and “”‘Pope””, and then says “Everybody needs somebody every now and then. Everybody needs somebody now and then.” Awesome. They have something intriguing right here, and maybe I’ll get crushed like Fat Kid’s Snickers bar at the hands of E.J., but for right now I’m excited. I really feel for Dinero, and it’d be awesome to see Joe running down to the ring to do what’s right, helping out a fellow wrestler catching an unfair ass-whoopin’. It’s reminiscent of Steve Austin helping rescue Stephanie McMahon from the clutches of the Ministry of Darkness, but I lost my shit when that happened, and it’s been 11 years, so it’d be cool if something similar happened.
That’s right. I’m daring to believe! SI SE PUEDE!
We cut to backstage, where Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair are yakking away on the phone. Bischoff says that Hogan has declared Flair not just the dirtiest player of the game, but also the smartest. Ric appreciates the kudos, and that be that.
We’re taken to the announce position, where Taz “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night So I Can So I Can” Tazzworth and Michael “She Blinded Me With Science” Tenay are talking at us. Taz asks what the deal was with Dinero and Samoa Joe, asking if Dinero needs someone to fight his battles. Tenay says he thinks there’s more to it, and that if the two of them are going to succeed in TNA, they need to put their differences behind them.
Team 3-D’s video package is up and they’re talking about their decision to retire. Brother Ray says that after 23 Tag Team title reigns, what is left? He says he and Brother Devon have their wrestling school, that Devon has his family, Brother Ray has his music career, and that they’re ready to start life after wrestling. Ray says if they’re gonna have one more match, they might as well have it against the best tag team in the world, which is the current TNA Tag Team Champions, the Motor City Machine Guns. Brother Devon concurs.
The TNA Roving Reporter catches up with the aforementioned Motor City Machine Guns, who are playing catch. Velvet Sky is talking to Sabin, and the reporter is haranguing him for an answer to Team 3-D’s challenge. Sabin turns around to answer when Generation Me (Max and Jeremy Buck) butt in on the game of catch and start being douchebags. Sky mushes some cake or something into one of the Gen-Me faces, and the Gen-Me response is to ask if they’re going to hide behind a girl. The Guns deliver forearms to Gen-Me, and Gen-Me looks all hurt while the ‘Guns walk away. You tell ’em, guys!
They show Jeff Jarrett from Reaction last week, commenting on Kurt Angle. They then show the sick moment when Jarrett smacked Angle’s head into the stage. Then, Samoa Joe comes in and says he’s still murdering fools who cross Joe, and that Jarrett is now at the top of the list.
They cut back live, to Jarrett backstage, who says this whole thing has spun completely out of control. He says all this didn’t have to happen, that he accepts full responsibility. He says he owes him more than an apology but it’s starting with an in-ring apology tonite.
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening. It’s officially midnight here on Long Island. Viva Dee Vee Arruh!
Jeff Jarrett and his atrocious entrance music is a playin’, and they recap the incident from last week between Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett, and Taz’s involvement in it. Jarrett has a microphone in the ring. Impact crowd is chanting “You Sold Out! You Sold Out!” at Jarrett. Jeff says he came out to apologize for humiliating Kurt Angle in front of the entire world. The crowd chants “Jarrett Sucks!” Jeff says that if Kurt was standing right there in front of him, he’d tell him how much he deeply regrets what happened. Jarrett says he would tell him how much he regrets not kicking the crap and hell out of him worse than he did. Jeff Jarrett says the king is back on top of the mountain once again. He says that Kurt is gone, gone from TNA forever. Jarrett says that he made Kurt Angle and he broke Kurt Angle, like many before and after in TNA.
Jarrett says that it’s ironic that he was the one who gave Kurt a job when no one else wanted him. Jeff says he’s stripped Angle of his dignity, his pride, his honor, and his precious, precious, precious career. Jarrett is then cut off by Samoa Joe.
Joe, angry eyes in, is held up by security, and Jarrett jumps out of the ring to sneak in some shots at Joe. Security helps handcuff Samoa Joe, but Joe ends up with his arms around Jarrett’s neck! The moment is short-lived as security regains control. Jarrett throws more punches, and then throws Samoa Joe off the side of the ramp!
Mike Tenay, sounding like Kermit the Frog, asks what the hell got into Jarrett, that he turned his back on everyone. Jarrett stares ahead with malice in his eyes. Tenay continues his yelling at Jarrett, but Jeff walks away. He stares down at Samoa Joe, who is really far down off the ramp and looks messed up. Jarrett says it looks like Joe needs some help, and that was some cold blooded ish.
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening. It’s ten after midnight and if I get this recap in by 1:30am, I’m gonna make an appearance at karaoke. Yeah, that’s right. I do karaoke. Wanna make something of it? Actually, no. Better idea. If *you* do karaoke, what songs do you do?
Impact is bizzack! They show what happened three paragraphs up, and Taz comments on Tenay’s remarks to Jarrett. Tenay says he just had to get it off his chest, and Taz drops it. I hope those two are okay. They make such a good couple!
Beer Money Incorporated is out, and Robert Roode mocks Mr. Anderson’s “Grabbing the descending mic” motion. Sabu and Rob Van Dam are out next.
It’s Beer Money Inc (Robert Roode and James Storm) vs Rob Van Dam and Sabu!
James Storm and RVD start off the match, but before anything happens, Roode massages Storm’s back and then slaps him on the backside a couple of times. No, seriously. Storm and RVD lock-up, exchange waistlocks, then RVD hits a kick skraight up into Storm’s face. RVD follows that up with a monkeyflip, and then tags in Sabu. Sabu jumps off RVD’s back and hits a leg lariat on Storm. RVD hits a spin kick and exits the ring. Sabu covers, gets a two count, but Storm hits a thumb to the eye and then tags Roode. Sabu clotheslines Roode, then dropkicks him off his feet. Sabu follows up with punches and a bigger clothesline. Sabu gets a two count while Taz and Tenay are bickering. Tenay is implying that Taz is brown-nosing the new regime when he knows they’re evil.
Storm tagged back in, hits a couple shots on Sabu, then tags in Roode. Roode hits a snap suplex and a big knee drop. Roode covers, gets two, and then puts on the POLYNESIAN FACE GRAB! The sick bastard! Roode shows mercy by breaking the hold and tagging Storm back in. Storm whips Sabu into the corner, but Sabu recovers to hit the springboard tornado DDT. Awesome. Sabu makes the tag and in comes RVD!
Rob nails a superkick, then backsuplex-flips Sabu onto Roode. Roode hits a standing moonsault, gets two, then follows it up with rolling thunder while sabu hits a legdrop. RVD gets a two count and in comes Storm to break up the pin. Sabu and Storm on the outside, and Roode hits a Double R spinebuster on RVD. Roode calls in Storm for a double team neckbreaking powerbomb but RVD powers out. Storm tries spitting beer at RVD, but Rob ducks and Storm gets Roode in the eyes. RVD with a quick roll-up but only gets two.
Sabu brings in a steel chair, goes to throw it at Storm, but Storm ducks and the chair hits RVD super-hard in the face. Van Dam is down diggy down, Roode makes the cover and gets the pin.
Winners: Beer Money Incorporated.
Post-match, Taz and Tenay are bickering. Tenay smells a rat, Taz is being wishy-washy. Also, RVD pushes Sabu and accuses him of chicanery and the two go at it. E.V. 2.0 hits the ring to separate them. Tenay says this is exactly what Bischoff wanted to happen–plant the seed of distrust in RVD and watch what happens.
We cut to Mickie James sitting on top of a giant fake cow, announcing herself coming down to the ring, or riding a bull. Or something. Mickie James says she knows Sarita is a world-class athlete, but she is a world class champion, and that’s… *sigh* No bull. I picked a helluva day to quit sniffing glue.
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening. I used i to go to the loo, and upon looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed that the one grey hair I did have has apparently disappeared. That’s pretty cool. Also, they’re showing a commercial for Saw 3-D. I’ve seen all of these movies in the theater, can’t recall half of what happened, and am going to see this one. Worst part is talking to someone about checking out the movie. “Hey, did you see Saw?” leads to “See saw? Like a teeter totter, ha ha!” or “I saw Saw” leads to “Saw Saw, ha ha!” Bah.
Imback is pact with Bischoff and Flair talking to Kazarian. Kazarian says that he is to X-Division matches what Flair is to sixty minute matches. Sure, why not?
Sarita is out, followed by a smokin’ hot Mickie James.
It’s Sarita vs Mickie James in Mickie’s TNA In-Ring Debut!
Sarita has a wrist lock on Mickie James, Mickie moves out of it, hits a monkeyflip and a big kick to Sarita’s midsection. Shoulderblock by MIckie, followed by a cartwheel and a dropkick that got Mickie a two count. Sarita recovers and tosses Mickie down by the hair. Sarita goes for a flying body press but misses, and Mickie James, in tiny denim shorts and a plaid top and OMG she looks like Daisy Duke…
Headscissors by Mickie on Sarita outside, but Sarita uses a drop toe-hold to send James into the stairs. Sarita rolls James into the ring, lateral press, and a pair of two-counts. Sarita drives a couple of knees into Mickie’s midsection, followed up by some kicks. Sarita asks Mickie who she thinks she is, then sends James into the turnbuckle. Sarita has Mickie in a modified airplane spin torture rack. Mickie wiggles out and rolls up Sarita but only gets a two count.
Mickie fires back with some forearms and then a couple of clotheslines and takedowns. Mickie hits an elbow and then a headscissors that sends Sarita flying. James to the top rope and hits a Thesz-Press style move. Mickie hits a sick roundhouse kick that gets her the pin. G’nite Sarita.
Winner: Mickie James
Post-match, Tara sneaks in and attacks Mickie James from behind. Tara’s got the twins allll kinds of out, and she’s woman-handling Mickie James. Ouchie. Tara has James up for Widow’s Peak, and Mickie James is out cold. Tara is still yelling at Mickie James. I know I’ve drooled over Mickie James quite a bit, but she’s in phenomenal shape. Just a hot, curvy body with some thickness to it. Infuriating that she was ever made to feel fat by that other company. Thick girls are always hotter. Bah.
We cut to Mr. Anderson backstage, arm in a sick sling. Anderson says that Jeffro Hardy gave him the injury, and in order for him to give back to Hardy, he has to win his match tonite. Anderson says he’s got a busted shoulder and broken leg (leg is news to me, but whatevs), but there are only three things in this life that are absolutely true:
3- The fact that Mr. Anderson is gonna whoop the sh*t out of Jeff Hardy.
We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening, which I will use to gratuitously plug my social networking stuffs: www.myspace.com/reythejedi, www.twitter.com/elkatook, www.facebook.com/reythehussein, www.facebook.com/reyanddomshow. Here’s the breakdown: For a look at who I was from late 2004 until early 2009, use MySpace. For my random rants and raves, use Twitter. For more “Suspension of Disbelief”-style commentary and humour, use the Rey and Dom Show facebook account. For day to day updates on who I am in real life, use the ReyTheHussein facebook. Or, you know, don’t. Jerks.
ImPaCT iS bAcK! Mickie James is stomping around backstage and the parking lot and is going to Hogan and Bischoff’s office. She says that Tara wants to play games but is playing with the wrong girl.
We cut to Mr. Anderson walking to the ring, but Fourtune jumps Mr. Anderson! They’re kicking the crap out of Anderson and carrying him down to the ring. They stop at the top of the stage and kick away at the already-injured shoulder of Mr. Anderson. Fourtune leaves, but A.J. Styles comes back to hit another kick on Anderson.
Just then, Kazarian comes out and is completely shocked and appalled at Mr. Anderson’s predicament. Kaz makes his way down to the ring and makes the ref call for the bell to start the match. Anderson is up, limping and crawling to the ring. Kaz is to the “X” in the ring and… wait wait wait!
It’s Mr. Anderson vs Kazarian in an Ultimate X match! Whoever grabs the giant red “X” suspended from intersecting ropes above the ring wins!
Anderson is in the ring and manages to pull Kazarian off the ropes above the ring. Anderson nails a big clothesline and elbow, going to work with one arm. Anderson looks to be in pain as he rolls out of the ring. Anderson looks under the ring, but Kazarian slides out of the ring and attacks Mr. Anderson.
We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening. It’s almost 1am and it doesn’t look like karaoke isn’t gonna happen…
…or is it??
Here’s a song I sing at Karaoke. I want you guys to sing it with me:
Ahhh, now didn’t you enjoy that?
Impact is like, totally back, and Kazarian is back up climbing the ropes. He kicks Anderson down, but Anderson recovers and gets Kaz to pendulum swing off the ropes. Kaz landed hard, head bouncing off the mat. Anderson to the top rope and is trying to climb with one hand. Anderson tries using his other arm but falls off. Kaz hits a brutal kick on Anderson’s injured arm, and gets him in an absolutely sick hammerlock bodyslam. I cringed at that.
Kaz tries to capitalize but Anderson gets a jawjacker out of nowhere. Anderson charges Kaz in the korner (see what i did there?) but Kaz ducks and Anderson collides with the turnbuckle. Kaz jumps from the top rope to the middle of the ring ropes with the X. Anderson brings him back down and hits the Mic Check! Kazarian is out!
Anderson is back to the outside, back under the ring, and he pulls out a ladder! Anderson slides the ladder into the ring and Taz wonders if a ladder is legal in this match. Anderson is setting the ladder up, climbs it, but before he can get the X down, out comes Fourtune. The Blueprint Matt Morgan lays out Anderson with a powerbomb. Anderson is out of the ring, and Kazarian sits atop Morgan’s shoulders to pull down the X.
Post-Match, Fourtune poses in the ring with the giant red X, and now we know what letter today’s episode of Impact is brought to us by. Meanwhile, Anderson grabs a pipe from underneath the ring. He takes out a couple Fourtune guys, but Jeff Hardy runs out and nails Mr. Anderson with a steel chair. Anderson is busted wide open. Yick. Hardy puts Anderson’s arm in between the supports of the ladder and then hits the ladder with a steel chair. Anderson is out. To celebrate, Hardy rips off his shirt and poses and just stares at the prone Mr. Anderson.
Hardy jaws with fans at ringside, and we cut backstage. Bischoff and Flair are walking. Flair says he’s going to lead Bischoff to the promised land. They’re chatting in an SUV and gloating about their awesomeness. Whoa! Kurt Angle is in front of the SUV! Angle pulls out the driver, Flair and Bischoff lock the doors, and Kurt is attacking the SUV! He smashes the rear window and out comes those two weaselly security guards Jarrett uses! Angle backs off, but his point is made. Flair demands that Angle be arrested, and says that he’s bleeding again even tho’ he didn’t even wrestle.
So… That was a pretty awesome episode. Lots of forward motion, and while the roots of this whole “Immortal” angle and hostile takeover are goofy, so far the execution and the set-up of the opposition to Immortal has been superb. I feel good about this so far.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact recapper and, while he’s subtle about it, he really does enjoy a nice pair of boobies.
Tags: beer money, Eric Bischoff, Jeff Hardy, jeff jarrett, kazarian, Mickie James, mr anderson, Ric Flair, Samoa Joe, Sarita, The Pope D'Angelo Dinero, TNA, tna impact, TNA Wrestling