Welcome to Inside Pulse Wrestling’s Live Coverage of WWE Monday Night RAW!
It’s Time To Get RAW….wait, what?
Last week, I was going to do a 10 Thoughts column concerning the timely placed “Stand Up For WWE” campaign and thoughts about what we endure now on WWE programming versus what we endured ten years ago. Since my work schedule and personal problems prevented me from doing this, you’re getting two for the price of one. I’ll space it out throughout tonight’s report.
Now… IT’S TIME TO GET RAW!
We open with the WWE Champion, Randy Orton, who has a huge challenge at Survivor Series. He holds the gold high and decrees that there isn’t a man alive that could take the title away from him. He can accept if he loses the championship to the better man, but not if he loses it due to a crooked referee, that being John Cena. Randy calls out John Cena and Cena answers the call, wasting no time. Cena wants Randy to cut him some slack. Cena says that titles come and go and he reiterates that if Wade Barrett wins the title, he is free. If not, he will be fired. Cena says that he has to call it down the middle, but…but…he does not know what he is going to do. Randy says that John will screw him over, but Cena says he won’t. Randy Orton says that if John Cena does keep his job, he will be forever called a phony and that his “Hustle, Loyalty, & Respect” means nothing. Cena complains about being an errand boy and that the Nexus is running the show. Cena bad mouths Wade Barrett and this brings the Nexus out to retort. Wade mockingly thanks Cena and he gives him carte blanche to say whatever he wants about him, but he says that John Cena will raise his hand at Survivor Series. John Cena vows that if he leaves Nexus or the WWE, he’ll beat the Hell out of Wade Barrett. Randy Orton calls Wade Barrett a coward…and calls on him to come down to the ring to prove him wrong.
Cue the RAW GMail and the ruling is that the GM feels for Randy Orton. However, tonight it will be a tag match with Randy Orton and Wade Barrett with partners of their choosing with John Cena as special guest referee.
Commercials.
Thought 1. You have a wrestler being referenced as a human jar of mayonnaise. You have one wrestler calling another a “frog faced loser”. Rewind a few years ago you had the phrase “cum guzzling gutter slut”.
Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel v. The Hart Dynasty
Natalya isn’t with them tonight and we’re wondering if the WWE will break up another team this week. Slater and Kidd lock up and Kidd punches in Smith. Tag enough, I reckon. Stalling brainbuster gets two for Smith. Gabriel comes in off the tag and he takes it to Smith. The Nexus tag in and out, isolating Smith from Kidd. Gabriel eats a powerslam from Smith and Kidd looks on uninterested. Tag and Kidd takes it to Gabriel. Roll of the Dice covers for two and Smith takes care of the deadweight outside the ring. Kidd delivers a dropkick and Gabriel gets out of the ring. Smith looks for a running powerslam from the outside, Slater floats off and Smith pushes Gabriel out of the way and Smith eats a plancha from Kidd. Back in the ring, Kidd succumbs to the 450.
Winners: Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel
Grade: C
Meanwhile, R-Truth doesn’t get the hint that John Cena is going to turn heel at Survivor Series.
Commercials.
Thought 2. John Cena makes many wishes. Too bad he can’t grant the one wish many want him to grant. I’ll leave this open-ended for commentary from everyone.
Last week, the IWC took a collective dump while Santino Marella pinned Sheamus.
Sheamus comes out and he admits to beating himself. So, he allowed Santino to bask in the glory for a week. He calls him out and Santino responds wearing regular attire. He respects Sheamus as a human being and is a fan of his. He even dressed as him for Halloween. Sadly, everyone thought he was a ghost. Santino consumed a lot of candy, so if he competes tonight, he’ll vomit in his face. So, he found Sheamus a suitiable replacement.
Sheamus v. Vladimir Koslov
So, Vladimir vows to crush Sheamus tonight. Lockup to start and it’s a stalemate for the best part. Sheamus gets taken down, but he rebounds with a corner thrust. Backbreaker connects but Koslov gets out at two. The knees come to play and the battering ram from Koslov pays dividends. Big boot gets two and Sheamus gets back up. Brogue Kick connects and down goes the Russian.
Winner: Sheamus
Grade: D
Post match, Santino pleads with Sheamus with candy and $3. He even offrs a credit card, but Sheamus isn’t a card processor. He then tries to write a check and the check bounces as Sheamus almost kills Santino with the High Cross. Thankfully, John Morrison comes to the rescue.
Commercials.
Thought 3. The timing of this movement is rather interesting. If this goes on past next Monday, then we will know that the company is indeed trying to improve their image.
R-Truth stirs up some crap with Randy Orton. This causes Randy Orton to enlist R-Truth as his partner.
Mark Henry is sad because his friend was taken out. Sadly, Pee Wee Herman ruins the moment, talking about some big splinter. This leads to Mark Henry asking Pee Wee for his superhuman strength. He wants a hug and he proceeds to crush Pee Wee. Damnit. He calls for Diva Twister. Insert sexual innuendo here. Insert pimp here. OH MY GOD! LITA!
OK, it’s official. Pee Wee Herman couldn’t have pulled that off without the cameo from Lita.
Commercials.
Thought 4. Sadly, WWE and PG do not mix. Sooner or later, wrestling matches will be done where all the wrestlers can do is bump, shove, and push.
Hey, look. It’s Zack Ryder. And look here, it’s a human pancake in the making.
Zack Ryder v. Ezekiel Jackson
Zack gets the first hit and that’s all he gets as Jackson manhandles him. Chokeslam and that’s all.
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
Grade: FTS
Wade Barrett picks David Otunga to be his partner.
Pee Wee Herman is up again NEXT!
Commercials.
Thought 5. It’s surprising that the WWE can do a Buried Alive match and a Hell in a Cell in the PG era. Too bad the endings to both those matches in 2010 were too much to suspend reality for a moment.
Justin Roberts intros Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee thanks everyone and he is feeling RAW. Tonight’s secret word…is ring. We get a ring and Mr. Awesome himself…along with Miz-itch makes their way to the ring. Michael Cole does his thought. Thank God the Miz hates Pee Wee Herman as he was a He-Man person. Pee Wee wants him to marry him. The Miz continues to say the secret word before we get kindergarten jokes. Miz-itch tries to reason with his boyhood idol, but it turns out to be too much for him to handle. The Miz makes a threat and Pee Wee is about to get angry. Word of advice, don’t anger the Pee. The Miz wants his family to come out. So here comes Big Rig Showman. Miz-itch and Miz attacks and Big Rig takes them out of the ring.
The RAW GMail chimes in to end this stupidity. The Miz isn’t getting out of this so easily, so he’s going to take on the Big Rig Showman. The match is next.
Commercials.
Thought 6. Free speech limitations, free WWE Merchandise, federal government involvement…Vince McMahon fought the government many times and won, but this is one fight he cannot win.
Big Show v. The Miz
Big Show manhandles the Miz early and often in the corner. Miz evades the KO punch to consult with Miz-itch. Back in the ring, Big Show continues to control him. We know who carried Show-Miz. The Miz tries to attack the legs, but Big Show no-sells it and he squashes the Miz with the elbow for two. The Miz continues to attack the knee and is successful this time around. Miz-itch and Cole-itch cheer their man on as Big Show defies the laws of gravity by crushing the Miz on the canvas. Headbutt connects and Big Show goes to the corner. Miz moves and Big Show lands on canvas. Cover…kickout with authority, almost taking out the referee. Big Show is back up and the Miz hits a double axe handle for no effect. Another one hits for a powering kickout at two. Miz gets leveled by Big Show. Back drop connects and Big Show takes a page out of Miz’s book. He misses, but Big Show grabs his throat anyway. Miz-itch gets involved and he gets knocked off. Miz has the briefcase and he uses it on the Big Show for the DQ.
Winner: Big Show
Grade: C+
Stand Up For WWE (And Vote for Linda tomorrow!)
John Cena talks with Wade Barrett, who wants him to clean his locker room and scrub his back. Funny, David Otunga assures John Cena that he has more talent than Wade Barrett.
Commercials.
Thought 7. The Democrats cast Linda McMahon as someone who ran a company that allowed divas to bark like a dog, kicking someone in the nuts, allowed necrophilia to take place, and employed an one-legged person. I’m shaking my head as most of this happened YEARS AGO.
Tomorrow night on NXT: The wedding of Aksana & Goldust.
“I come from money…”
Ted DiBiase (w/Maryse) v. Daniel Bryan
The reaction should be good for Daniel Bryan here. Bryan takes it to DiBiase at the start, but DiBiase pays him back in spades. Here comes Bryan, but DiBiase isn’t ready to give control up yet. Bryan up on top and DiBiase takes him off the ropes. Back in the ring, DiBiase covers for two. Another cover gets two again. Chinlock applied and Bryan gets out of it. Wraparound rollup gets two and DiBiase gets a drop toe hold, but Daniel Bryan counters with a rollup for tw. Bryan lands on his feet and he takes DiBiase down. Kicks score on DiBiase…here it comes…SPINEBUSTER! Two count only! Dream Steet…COUNTERED! LaBell Lock! DiBiase taps clean!
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Grade: C
DiBiase is beside himself.
Commercials.
Thought 8. Do you “Stand Up for WWE” for the PG shows it airs, or did you “Stand Up” back in the Attitude Era?
LayCool comes out and they admit that they got off on the wrong foot with the WWE Universe. They give Natalya another chance at the Diva’s Championship, but if she beats Michelle McCool.
Michelle McCool v. Natalya
Natalya takes it to McCool from the get-go. McCool tries to gather some offense and is successful by SWEEPING THE LEG! McCool stomps away as Layla plays cheerleader. She drops the knee and Nayalya is by the ropes. Cover gets two and McCool applies a bodyscissors. McCool uses the ropes for leverage, but is caught. The damage may have been done, though. Here comes Natalya, but McCool counters with a Fisherman’s Suplex with bridge for two. Sharpshooter attempt, but McCool gets to the ropes. Layla tries to get involved, but McCool kicks Layla. Rollup and Natalya wins.
Winner: Natalya
Grade: D
Somewhere…Vince McMahon is in a coma and will miss the election. WTF?
Commercials.
Thought 9. Everyone loves the WWE. Correction. Everyone gets paid to say good things about the WWE to the media.
Meanwhile, Dumbass Doctor talks about how Linda spent $50 million dollars on the campaign. This wakes Vince up and he is wearing a “Vote for Linda” hospital gown. The doctor brings Vince up to speed. Hilarity ensues as Vince has to take a crap. Vince has the impression of running for president and we get a Blumenthal towel on his backside.
Stephanie McMahon wakes up from a dream and she is assured by Triple H that Vince is brain dead. Thank God, she says.
John Cena hits the ring decked out in referee gear.
Commercials.
Thought 10. Pulse Glazer sums this campaign up quite fluently.
Wade Barrett & David Otunga v. R-Truth & Randy Orton
Special Guest Referee: John Cena.
Otunga and Orton start things off. They jockey for position and Orton takes the beating in the corner. Orton comes back with a shoulderblock and he takes Otunga to school. In comes Barrett and down goes Barrett. Orton beats into him in the corner as Cena uses his authority to separate the men. Orton is pissed off and Cena reiterates that he’s playing the rulebook. Otunga gets tagged in and Orton keeps the pressure on outside the ring. Otunga reverses a whip and he sends Orton into the steel steps. Cover inside the ring gets two. Tag to Barrett and he tees off on Orton. Chinlock applied and Orton grasps for air. He gets to a vertical base and he hits a side slam on Barrett. Tags all around and Truth takes it to Otunga. Hip toss by Truth and we go pillar to post to a kick in a jaw for a two count. Barrett gets a blind tag, but Cena calls out “Tag” so Truth knows about it. Barrett takes it to Truth and he sends him to the corner. Backbreaker connects and Barrett tees off on R-Truth. To the top he goes and he misses the elbow drop. Otunga wants a tag as does Orton. Otunga jumps into the fray as Orton tags into the match. Cena didn’t gee it as Otunga gets a tag seen from Cena. Otunga covers Truth for two. Barrett tags in and he contunues the assault. Tag back to Otunga and he covers for two. Headlock applied and Cena looks on. Truth fires back, but both men look for crossbodies and they hit each other. Orton jumps the rope and he keeps Barrett from tagging in. Orton RKO’s Otunga and Truth pins him.
Winners: R-Truth & Randy Orton
Grade: A
Wade Barrett complains and Cena says he did his job.
Show over.
