Before I get started…
Yes, yes. I know. This is super-late. I’m sorry. Honest… I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
But I digress.
Actually, last week was quite the nerve-wracking week for ol’ Rey Mundo. I interviewed for a job on Wednesday and spent most of Thursday freaking out about whether or not I’d be getting the position. See, I kind of hate what I do. I work with and for some pretty decent folks, but I. Hate. What. I. Do. So, much like Ron Burgandy, this was kind of a big deal.
Anyway, I got the job. Found out Friday. It’s a 17% raise for more satisfying work at a company that seems to be brighter and more fun. Now, I know the grass is greener on the other side and all that, but I think this new job is the real deal.
Sooo between the job stuff (hard to come up with boobie jokes when your future is in flux) and a busy Halloween weekend, and work yesterday, and a trip down to Nassau Colosseum for that other company’s Monday Night show last nite, I was just busy. Bah.
Also, since we’re at it, this coming Thursday’s column is going to be late too. An old friend is celebrating his birthday Thursday nite and I have to make an appearance. Believe it or not, these columns take about four hours to write between rewinding, pausing, and writing, and an appearance for an hour could push this column’s completion back to like 2am, and that is not the business.
(okay, i sound like i’m whining. i’m sorry. i love you guys. let’s hug.)
So, two interesting little bits of tid regarding TNA folks this week. One is very high profile, the other is very low profile. Let’s start with the high profile story.
I spent Saturday watching Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear”, and was very happy to see Mick Foley receive an award for Reasonableness for his work with RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network). Mick came out, made a funny acceptance speech, and then made his way back to the, uh, back.
I thought this was a great look for Mick and for TNA. While the other company is encouraging people to Stand Up for their C.E.O.’s wife’s campaign and making twenty-two different Pulse Writers talk about Standing up to that company, TNA has someone in their employ who doesn’t just talk about change, but actually puts his money where his mouth is (that phrase is especially funny when being applied to Mick Foley on account of his joy of partaking in culinary delights and his admitted frugality). He’s using his celebrity and his resources to try to improve the lives of people who did not have the opportunities he did and of people whose lives took tragic turns at the hands of others.
The Stewart rally was, in my opinion, a terrific event, and Mick’s involvement–and the positive press for TNA–is a win-win-win.
In lower profile news, my recently-retired father was flipping channels and landed on a new View-esque show called The Talk. The topic was bullies and bullying, and there was this little boy there who was a victim of bullying. He told his story, and at the end of the show the hosts mentioned how the little boy was a big Jeff Hardy fan. They said that Jeff Hardy had a message for him, and the little boy’s face lit up. Jeff said something along the lines of the boy being brave, and that if bullies mess with the little boy, they’re messing with him. That wasn’t the end of the surprises for the boy. A stagehand brought out a basket packed with TNA toys, t-shirts, and DVDs. But wait! There’s more! Jeff said that the little boy and his family were going to be flown to Orlando to be his guests at a TNA live event! The child’s face lit up.
Now, I know people have their opinions on Jeff Hardy’s personal life, his professional shortcomings, and a buncha other things, but you gotta applaud the guy for taking time out to reach out to this kid. I mean, even if it as strictly for P.R. purposes to help him out for his legal woes or TNA’s less-than-stellar rep amongst the *chuckles* I.W.C., it’s still a great look. This little boy will always cherish this, and they’ve managed to turn what could be a horrible scar this poor kid will be left with into a family trip and a confirmation that heroes do exist…
…even if they are imperfect heroes.
So shouts to TNA, shouts to Jeff Hardy, and shouts to Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy.
Let’s get on with the show.
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
The broadcast begins with Jeff Hardy’s soliloquy on friendship and forgiveness intercut with Hardy’s heelery over the last few weeks. They also show the gross gash that Mr. Anderson suffered after the Hardy chair shot. It was… gross.
Today’s episode: “The One That Was Chained To Fate”
Whoa! It’s Mickie James and Tara fighting in catering! I didn’t even have time to light my TNA Knockout Candles! Mickie is whooping Tara the way Ralphie whooped Scott Farkus. These chicks are beating the hell out of each other, and Mickie James just knocked over the camera man with a big gatorade bottle. Mickie throws a chair, and grabs Tara by the hair, and the brawl has spilled out into the lot outside the Impact Zone.
Uh-oh! Madison Rayne has joined the fight! Now they’re both whooping Mickie James and are…attempting a suplex on the outside! And here comes The Beautiful People! Angelina Love and Velvet Sky have rescued Mickie James! But wait! Now Sarita has joined the fight and she’s just throwing punches at everyone! This is like the brawl in Anchorman only with hot chicks. Angelina love just got smacked into a wall but is back up and a-brawlin’ with Madison Rayne. Rayne has the upper hand and is pounding away at Angelina.
Velvet and Sarita have paired off and Velvet is puttin’ a whoopin’ on her by the announce area. Velvet goes for a suplex on the ramp but Sarita blocks and kicks Velvet in her lady junk. They cut to the lot where Tara and Mickie are still fighting, and now they’re making their way to the Impact Zone. These chicks are beating the holy heck out of each other!
Angelina and Madison are still fighting, Velvet and Sarita are fighting, and Mickie James just jumped off the barricade to land on Tara! Mickie has Tara in the ring, but Tara is hitting mounted punches. Angelina and Mad-Ray are in the ring, and now Velvet and Sarita are in. This is a Pier 6 brawl!
Ric Flair and security is/are in the ring trying to break things up, but Tara just slapped Flair! The brawling continues, and dare I say, this is a fracas! Tara pushes Ric again, Mickie slaps Ric twice and Ric resists the urge to fight. Ric grabs a mic, tells everyone to get a grip (hiyo!) and says if anyone ever slaps him again they’ll make a woman out of him. “Who do you think you are, my ex-wife?” (c) Ric Flair
The melee continues and Ric calls Mickie a nut job. Ric says if they wanna fight, they can fight in a match, and then tells Tara that he’ll kill her if she ever slaps him again. He declares that tonite will be The Beautiful People and Mickie James vs Sarita, Madison Rayne and Tara.
Aaannnd we’ve got our Immortal-saturated credit sequence. Man, what a way to kick off the show. That was great.
Tonite on Impact: X-Division Champion Jay Lethal vs The Shore’s Robbie E in a Jersey Shore Street Fight. If Robbie wins, he gets a shot at Lethal’s championship.
Also on Impact: TNA Tag Team Championship match: Generation Me vs Ink Inc. vs Motor City Machine Guns (c)! Should be a good ‘un!
Also Also on Impact: Jeff Jarrett vs Mr. Anderson in a Chain Match!
“”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero is making his way down to the ring with… a casket? Que?
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening which I use to lament the fact that my back itches and I have no scratching implements. This is terrible.
Impact is kinda sorta back, with highlights of Jeff Hardy’s assault on Mr. Anderson.
We cut backstage with Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff. Flair says Bischoff was sitting in the back while he was handling six chicks that were acting like his ex-wife. Flair asks where Hulk Hogan is, and Bischoff says he’s looking at some major names to recruit for Immortal. Bischoff and Flair then lambaste Security and says that if Kurt Angle makes his way to the Impact Zone this week like he did last week, it’ll be their asses.
Just then, some random dude walks into the office, he says he’s the head trainer and hopes Bischoff isn’t really going to put Mr. Anderson in a match tonite. He says that Mr. Anderson suffered a concussion a week ago and it’d be unsafe and unethical for Anderson to wrestle. Bischoff and Flair mock him, tell him it’s not the NFL, and then Flair asks where Mr. Trainer Man was three weeks ago when he was rolling on thumbtacks and barbwire and falling through tables and “…bleeding like a son of a bitch” for a half hour wit Mick Foley.
Bischoff says Hogan crawled out of the I.C.U. to be there, and that Kenny Anderson (wait a minute…) can shake off his “little boo-boo” and do the same. Trainer Man asks about Dixie’s policy to protect wrestlers from head trauma. Bischoff says Dixie’s gone and that it’s a new day. He then dismisses the trainer, and Mr. Trainer Man says that, for the record, he doesn’t condone Anderson wrestling.
We go back to the ring where “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero is speaking to the congregation. Dinero says that, apparently, there is a monster on the loose and this monster is filled with all kinds of evil spirit of demonic proportions. Dinero says he’s good with that because he plans to pimp slap that monster over and over and over and over again. Dinero says that since Abyss has decided to embrace his evil ways, that he thinks it’s time to do something about it. Dinero says they should get together and get the monster Abyss and take that 6 foot 7 350 pound monster, wrap him up, put him in that casket and send him straight back to hell. Uh-oh! Abyss is in the crowd!
Abyss says he hates to interrupt this sacred vigil between him and his congregation, but he comes with standing orders from Immortal. Abyss says Hogan and Bischoff have instructed him to extinguish the flame that IS “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero. Abyss says to make no mistake about it, when he and Abyss meets, the only thing he’s gonna need is a priest to administer his last rights. Also, it just occurred to me that if you took Megatron’s voice and Starscream’s voice from the original Transformers cartoon, you’d have Abyss’ voice. Neat.
Abyss continues by saying that as for all the pathetic and ignorant sheep that comprise Dinero’s congregation, they are no longer safe. He says you never know when or where, but he’s coming for all of them, one by one. Abyss then grabs two fans and takes them away, and “”The Pope”” goes after him.
We cut back to Jarrett and says that he had no idea the stage was so high when he threw Samoa Joe off of it last week. He says it’s not his fault as he’s only been there since day one. He then calls Joe a “Fat tub of goo” (eww) and says if he wants Jarrett he can have him at the next pay-per-view, Turning Point. Jarrett then says that tonite is all about the chain match with the one armed bandit, Mr. Anderson, with the caved-in head. Jarrett says he’s gonna eliminate him from the title scene tonite, and then tells Mr. Anderson to take some aspirin. Coooold Bloooooded…
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening. I use this to construct a giggle loop. If you don’t know what the giggle loop is, you better get your google on.
Impact is back with Ric Flair talking to some random chica in the interview area. The Blueprint Matt Morgan walks up and seeks an audience with Mr. Flair. Morgan says that with all that’s going on with Brett Favre, why is Flair getting involved with a girl that works there? Morgan says that girls have camera phones today! (ba dum bump!)
Morgan switches gears and gets serious. He asks if Bischoff was dead serious when he said he was gonna make Anderson wrestle with a concussion. Flair says that he was serious, and why would Anderson get special treatment? Morgan says he’s a two sport athlete All-American. He says he’s had a lot of concussions and that today they’re important and they can do stuff about it. He says that back in Ric’s day there were no studies about concussions but times have changed.
Ric says that today is his day, that the Nature Boy is year round for four days. Flair says that whatever Hogan and Bischoff put down for Anderson to do, he and Fourtune have to support it. He says they’re a family and that Morgan is a big part of their family. Flair leaves to go find the girl from earlier, and we cut back to the Impact Zone.
The Shore make their way down to the ring and they show the cookie vs J-Woww catfight form a couple weeks ago. Coming down next is X-Division Champion Jay Lethal! Lethal runs down to the ring and the match is on!
It’s Jay Lethal vs. Robbie E. in a Jersey Shore Street Fight!
After some punches in the ring, both men make their way out. Jay Lethal blasts Robbie with a garbage can lid and then suplexes Robbie on a dead end sign on the outside. Lethal hits Robbie with a one of those orange and white saw horse things, then atomic drops Robbie onto it! Lethal his some punches and then tosses Robbie in the ring. Robbie gets the upper hand tho’ with a sneaky kick, and then slams Lethal down. Robbie hits some mounted punches and then rips the *ugh* “wife beater” off of Lethal. Cookie then hands Robbie a Kendo Stick, but Lethal takes it! He hits Robbie in the back with the Kendo Stick, then brings a garbage can into the ring!
Lethal puts the can over Robbie’s head and then grabs the kendo stick! Lethal nails Robbie and it looks like Robbie is out cold. The TNA crowd chants “One More Time” and Lethal puts the trash can over Robbie’s head and hits it with the kendo stick again. Lethal climbs to the top rope but Cookie sprays something in his eye. Lethal, blinded, ends up in the ring and then suffers a sick neck breaker by Robbie E. Robbie gets the pin.
Winner: Robbie E., who now gets an X-Division Title Shot at Turning Point.
We cut backstage where Angelina Love is getting measured by the wardrobe lady. Velvet Sky is complaining about Sarita. She says she will “finish that bitch off”, and she’s gonna go call Chris before she “loses her shit.” Velvet leaves, and Angelina is left with…Wynter! Or Winter! Or whatever her name is. She says that when two people have a bond it is the universe that brings them together. She says that some people call it fate, asks if Love believes in fate, and Angelina gets creeped out. Velvet returns, Angelina goes to show her the creepy Winter/Wynter chick, but she’s gone, in her place is the seamstress. Angelina is insisting on a girl being there, Velvet insists there isn’t, and that’s gonna get old really quick.
Still to come: Jeff Jarrett vs Mr. Anderson in a steel chain match!
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening, which I use to ponder what I’m going to have for breakfast. Mmm, breakfast. Update: Breakfast could take too long. I’m having M&Ms. Don’t judge me.
Impact hath returned, and they’re recapping what’s been happening with Rob Van Dam and EV2.
EV2 guys are in the ring–Raven, Sabu, Rhino, Stevie Richards, Tommy Dreamer, and Brian Kendrick who is in the corner studying Mick Foley’s book. They call out RVD who moseys on down to the ring. Tommy Dreamer says that before this goes any sooner, this ends right now. Hold on… I’m… Yep, I just went crosseyed.
Dreamer says that he and RVD have been friends for fifteen years, and that as far as Sabu goes, Sabu and his uncle, The Original Sheik”, trained him. He says that RVD is the one that convinced Dreamer to come to TNA. Dreamer says that what happened last week with Sabu was an accident. RVD scoffs at this and says that he doesn’t know who he can trust anymore. He says that Jeff had him opened like a dissected frog and that wasn’t a result of his paranoia. Dreamer says that this is what Bischoff wants, to create mistrust. He says that what happened with Abyss was Jeff Hardy’s fault, that Jeff has always been a little strange but now he’s just a scumbag. Well then.
Dreamer says this is Eric Bischoff, that he’s always tried to destroy us, even from back in the original ECW days. Raven says that RVD is paranoid, that maybe he should advocate something other than weed. Raven says that, like himself, Bischoff is a super genius and he’s got RVD twisted around. He says he’s got RVD castrated, emasculated, exasperated. Raven says they’re his friends. Rob then says that this stooge that Bischoff’s been talking about is Raven, and he goes nose-to-nose with Raven.
Just then, Fourtune comes out with Ric Flair. Ric calls EV2 the epitome of dysfunction. Ric says that Fourtune is the model of power, composure, strength, good will, and what makes the wrestling world go ’round. He mocks Fourtune and says that they should start thinking of Turning Point, where Fourtune will face EV2 for the last time. Ric says Raven and RVD better kiss and make-up because they’ll be taking on Kazarian and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles. Douglas Williams immediately protests. He says it’s always A.J., Kazarian and Beer Money. Flair says it’s Fourtune vs Dysfunction tonite. Douglas continues his protest as Fourtune leaves, and EV2 remains in the ring discussing what happened.
Up next: The Beautiful People and Mickie James vs Sarita, Tara and Madison Rayne!
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening, which I use to immediately lament the half a dozen fun-size bags of M&M’s I just ate. Oog.
Impact-ay Is-ay Ack-bay, and fingers are a-pointing at Douglas Williams. They’re all complaining about Douglas Williams. Ric Flair says Williams is a major part of Fourtune. Ric then makes the change, and Douglas Williams is being given the spot with Styles against Raven and RVD.
Back in the Impact Zone, Sarita, Madison Rayne, and Tara are making their way down to the ring, and out runs Angelina Love, Mickie James, and Velvet Sky! The latter trio attacks the former, and security is trying to keep them apart so the match can get underway officially. Referee Earl Hebner and Security help get the sides separated.
It’s Mickie James and The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Angelina Love) vs Tara, Madison Rayne and Sarita!
Madison-Rayne and Angelina Love start things off, Madison telegraphs a backdrop but Love hits a kick and a clothesline. Mad-Ray tags in Tara and Angelina tags in Velvet Sky. Double-team russian legsweep and Velvet makes a cover that gets a two-count. velvet snags Tara in a great spinning head-scissors and then tags in Mickie James. Tara backs up and tags in Sarita, who shoves Mickie James. Mickie hits a couple of forearms and a back elbow, then a nice huracanrana. Mickie hits a great neckbreaker and makes a cover that gets a two. I’d like to point out that Mickie James is rocking the Daisy Duke look and it’s just lovely.
Meanwhile, Sarita knocks down Mickie and gets a two count, and then tags in Mad-Ray, who proceeds to choke Mickie. Mickie continues the assault by stepping on Mickie James whilst James’ neck is on the ropes. Mad-Ray then gets into push-up position, puts Mickie’s head between her knees (facing down, pervs) and then slams Mickie’s face down into the canvas. Okay, that was definitely a stripper move. Also, that wasn’t a complaint.
Mad-Ray tags in Tara, who grabs Mickie by the hair and then knees her a couple times. Mickie responds with a takedown and now her and Tara are both down like Christine O’Donnell’s IQ. Sarita and Angelina Love are both tagged in, but Tara hits Love from behind while she has Sarita up for a bodyslam. Mickie tagged back in, nails a top rope Thesz Press, but gets knocked down. Tara and Mad-Ray in the ring, attempt a back body drop but Mickie kicks Rayne and throws Tara out of the ring. Mickie tags in Velvet who DDTs Sarita, and we’ve been re-fracas’d. Also, Mike Tenay says that the third member of The Beautiful People, Lacey Von Erich, has been absent from TNA because she’s training Miss Tessmacher. To wrestle.
Back in the ring, it’s still a cluster-frick. Sarita hits a Tiger Bomb on Velvet Sky.
Winners: Madison Rayne, Tara and Sarita.
We cut backstage where “”The Pope”” is still hunting for Abyss. Suddenly, a woman screams and “”The Pope”” runs off in the direction of the shout.
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening. On a completely unrelated to wrestling note, I’m gonna see Saw 3-D tonite. I’d be looking forward to this a bit more if I could recall any of the other Saw films. I’ve seen the previous six and for the life of me, I can’t really remember much. Something about Orson Welles and a sled, right?
Impact is returnedified! “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero and Abyss are slugging it out in the back and it looks like Abyss’ hostages are free. Dinero takes it to Abyss but Aby regains control by throwing “”The Pope”” against a wall a couple of times. Abyss opens up the casket backstage and throws Dinero inside and slams the lid shut. As soon as the coffin is closed, Abyss starts screaming for Janice (the 2x4xNails). Abyss finds Janice and uses her to pummel the coffin closed, and then he overturns the casket. Wow. Gotta feel for “”The Pope”” on this one. He’s really trying to fight back.
We cut back to the ring where Generation Me is cutting a promo on Ink Inc. and Motor City Machine Guns. Ink Inc. comes out, and Shannon Moore grabs the mic. Moore says that Matt and Jeff from 1998 called and they want their gear back. Ha. Moore says they represent the 1% of people that aren’t afraid to represent themselves by getting tattooed, pierced, and unafraid to express themselves no matter what people says. Just then, the tag champs, Motor City Machine Guns come out, and I’m giddy.
It’s the Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley–champs) vs Ink. Inc (Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore) vs Generation Me (Max and Jeremy Buck) for the TNA World Tag Team Championship(s)!
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening as the ‘Guns make their way to the ring. I use this break to practice singing “O Sole Mio” whilst lifting 2 pound barbells.
The match be under way, and Neal is in the ring with the blonde Buck. Neal nails a big punch but eats a back elbow. Tag into brown haired Buck. Blonde Buck dropkicks Shelley off the ring apron. Both Bucks are in the ring, hit a double kick and then Blonde leapfrogs Brown Hair into a dropkick on Neal. Blonde tags in Brown, and Brown stomps the arm of Jesse Neal. Scoop slam and fist drop by Brown, who covers and gets a two-count. Standing dropkick on Neal, and Brown tags in Blonde. Blonde kicks Neal in the face and stomps him while he’s down. Neal gets rammed head-first into a burntuckle, and Blonde tags in Brown. Double team kicks into the stomach, and the leapfrog move is countered by a solid spinebuster by Neal! Neal tags in Shannon Moore who is a house of fire with a spinkick and two count on Brown Buck. Blonde in now, and Moore hits a double huracanrana. Neal back in and Moore backdrops him out of the ring and onto Generation Me!
Shannon Moore goes to fly, but the ‘Guns have had enough! Kick by Alex Shelley, who holds open the ropes for Chris Sabin to hit a suicide dive thru the middle rope. Meanwhile, back in the ring, the legal men–Moore and Brown–are going at it. Tag to Neal and and Generation Me and the Guns all take turns splashing Max (Brown) Buck into the corner. Now Blonde Buck (Jeremy) is in the corner and it’s a parade of shoes, er, kicks onto both Generation Me guys! Moore and Neal hit a combo move on Chris Sabin and gets a two count. Woulda been a three but one of the Bucks pulled the ref out of the ring. The ‘Guns capitalize on the confusion, hit a combo splash and neck-breaker, and get the pin!
Winner and still champeens: The Motor City Machine Guns!
Post-Match, Team 3-D makes their way down to the ring. Brother Ray has the mic and he addresses the Motor City Machine Guns and Ink inc. Brother Ray says that TNA has the best tag team division in the whole world (and he’s right). He says Team 3-D, Generation Me, Ink Inc., Beer Money, and the tag champion Motor City Machine Guns are the best. Brother Ray says that he and Brother Devon are retiring and thanks the fans for being behind them. Brother Ray says that if they’re gonna go out, they’re gonna go out against the best. He says that since the ‘Guns are the TNA Tag Champs, they’re the best. Brother Ray says he’s just waiting on an answer regarding their challenge. Alex Shelley says Team 3-D are living legends as far as they’re concerned. He says they consider themselves People’s Champions, and asks who wants to see MCMG-Team 3D one more time. The crowd roars its approval, the four men embrace, and the match be made!
We cut to Eric Bischoff’s office where The Blueprint Matt Morgan comes in. He wants to talk to Bischoff about the Anderson-Jarrett match. Morgan asks if this is all about ratings like Bischoff says. Bischoff says ratings is/are what they’re all about. Morgan says that it’s a tad, a little irresponsible to put a man in the ring whose been previously concussed. Bischoff disagrees, says that guys getting hurt is part of the game and Morgan knows it. Morgan says this isn’t about the money or the ratings. He says it’s about safety and well-being. Morgan says he recognizes that it’s hypocritical when you consider he gave Hernandez a concussion, but the difference is that he lived up to it and owned it. He says he put him on the shelf for three months before Hernandez came back. Morgan says it’s a heckuvalot bigger issue than he’s giving it credit for.
Bischoff says it isn’t a safety issue, that he and Security are safe. He says he really doesn’t give a sh*t about Anderson’s safety. He says this is about business and for business to be good people have to do what they are told to do. He says concussion or not, Anderson will wrestle. He instructs Security to show Morgan the door. On his way out, Matt Morgan says that it’s irresponsible.
Up Next: Up Close and Person with TNA World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Hardy.
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to note that there aren’t a lot of jokes in this column today. Sorry about that. To make up for it, here’s a YouTube video of the iCarly theme song. It’s not funny, but it makes me smile.
Now don’t you feel better?
Impact is biggity biggity back with Matt Morgan in the locker room looking for Mr. Anderson. Mr. Trainer Man reiterates his protest from earlier in the evening. Morgan gives him his word that all he’s gonna do is talk, nothing more and nothing less.
We cut to the announce table where Taz “Skeeter” Tazzington and Mike “Doug Funny” Tenay are discussing Morgan’s stance against concussions. Taz thinks Morgan is going too far in his crusade. Tenay says it shows the conviction of his character. They then run down the Turning Point pay-per-view card:
~ Mickie James vs Tara
~ Motor City Machine Guns vs Team 3-D for the Guns’ Tag Team titles
~ Mr. Anderson vs Jeff Hardy for Hardy’s TNA World Title.
We then go to a video package on Jeff Hardy. Hardy says he’s always been above it all and better than anybody else. He says the acceptance of the fans was meaningless and didn’t bring him anything, especially money. Hardy says he is the here, the now, and the anti-Christ of professional wrestling. He says he IS Jeff Hardy. Funny, I thought he was Fred Sanford. YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH? HERE COMES THE BIG ONE!
Up Next: Rob Van Dam and Sabu vs “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles and Douglas Williams, and RVD is shown stretching in the back.
We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening. An advert for the film Skyline is shown. So, lemme get this straight: Turk from Scrubs, and the stoner from Can’t Hardly Wait who ate the brownie that was thrown at Denise Fleming (who is not a tampon, btw) are gonna fight aliens in a flick that looks like a combination of War of the Worlds and Independence Day? Okay, I’m not even gonna pretend I’m not going to see that opening weekend. Viva Los B Movies!
I Im Imp Impa Impac Impact Impact i Impact is Impact is b Impact is ba Impact is bac Impact is back! Douglas Williams and “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles are making their way down to the ring. Out next is Raven, but before RVD can come out he is attacked by Williams and Styles.
It’s Douglas Williams “The Phenomenal A.J. Styles vs Raven and Rob Van Dam!
RVD is taking his very, very sweet time getting to the ring while Raven is getting the crap kicked out of him. RVD comes in and starts swinging on Fourtune. Raven runs over and takes out Styles, leaving RVD and Williams to go at it. Rolling Thunder by RVD gets a two count as Styles breaks up the pin. Williams is in control now and puts him in a chin lock. Tag in to Styles, who kicks RVD in his dome piece. Body slam by Styles and a sick knee drop on Van Dam that yields a two-count for Styles. RVD counters with some punches, but a kick is caught by Styles. Styles tags Williams back in who gets RVD in a front face lock.
Williams works the hold, and Styles runs and dropkicks Raven off the apron. Styles gets tagged in all official-like, and he has a tight chin lock cinched in. RVD tries fighting out of it, but Styles pulls his hair and slammed him back into the ring. Styles says something to Williams, but when he turns his attention to RVD, RVD hits a big kick. Just then, Ric Flair comes down to the ring, grabs Styles TNA Television Championship belt and knocks out Raven!
RVD is on the comeback trail but can’t find Raven for a tag! RVD turns his back on Styles, who drapes RVD’s throat over the rope. Williams sneaks in with a european uppercut, and then Styles hits a flying forearm. Styles attempts a pin but he’s not the legal man. Styles gets into the corner, blind-tags Williams, who dives off the rope to hit a knee drop. Styles, the legal man, sneaks in, covers Van Dam, and gets the pin.
Winners: “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles and Douglas Williams
Post-match, Raven is up and bleeding on the outside. RVD wants to talk about what happened but Raven turns his back on RVD and walks away.
Up Next: Mr. Anderson vs Jeff Jarrett in a Chain Match!
We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening. You know what bugs me? Girls on social networking sites without any good cleavage pictures. Yeah, I said it.
Impact is back with behind-the-scenes highlights of the TNA Wrestlers vs the TNA knockouts episodes of Family Feud. Looks like Mick Foley, Jay Lethal, Mr. Anderson, RVD, and The Blueprint Matt Morgan vs Velvet Sky, Lacey Von Erich, Christy Hemme, Tara, and Angelina Love. This looks fun.
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and Jeff Jarrett is making his way down to the ring. He’s got the same awful and ill-fitting theme music but he does have a very snazzy haircut. Tell you what, Jeff Jarrett has aged well. Jarrett grabs the mic and yells for the “one armed bandit” to get down to the ring so he can cave the other side of his head in. That sounds unpleasant, and definitely messy.
Anderson’s music hits but out comes… Matt Morgan?? TNA Impact is over!
The TNA Reaction Overrun has begun!
Matt Morgan says he wants to try to talk some sense into Jeff Jarrett. Morgan says that Jarrett has been wrestling since he was 16 and he’s had thousands of matches, some of which he had to have suffered concussions during. Morgan says that, in Jeff’s defense, he didn’t know then what they know now about concussions. Morgan says he’s a member of the Sports Legacy Institute, an organization that performs brain surgery research on formerly concussed ex-pro athletes. Morgan says that there are 50 year old athletes walking around with the brainpower of 85 year old Alzheimer’s patients. He says he knows Jeff Jarrett’s three daughters to deal with that. He says it’s up to them as pro athletes to know that when a guy is down and he’s had enough–he’s had enough.
Jarrett asks if Matt Morgan is freakin’ kiddin’ him. He says he doesn’t give a damn about Anderson or his concussion. He says he’s in this for survival, he doesn’t care about Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Anderson… or Morgan. Jarrett says the massacre of Mr. Anderson is taking place tonite and there’s nothing Morgan or anyone else can do about it. He tells Morgan to get outta the ring and then calls Anderson out.
The crowd chants for Morgan, who hesitates to leave. Matt picks up the other end of the chain. He says he’s not gonna sit back and watch this happen, but what he could do is kick his ass right now. He handcuffs the other side of the chain to himself and Jarrett immediately starts protesting. He says if he knew it was going to get Morgan this upset, he wouldn’t… and then POW! he sucker-punches Morgan!
It’s The Blueprint Matt Morgan vs Jeff Jarrett in a Chain Match!
Morgan is tossing Jarrett around, then into the turnbuckle where he hits those left’n’right back elbows that look friggin’ devastating. Morgan sideslams Jarrett and uses the chain to bring Jarrett back for some punches. Fall-away slam by Morgan, and now both men are on the outside. Morgan chokes Jarrett against the railing and then hits an underhand strike. Jarrett sneaks into the ring, slinks past the turnbuckle and then pulls Morgan into the ring post!
Morgan is busted wide open, and he then pulls Jarrett into the ring post, then gets Jarrett into the ring. Morgan hits a big chokeslam, misses the big Carbon Footprint boot. Jarrett ducks and maneuvers the chain between Morgan’s legs. Jarrett uses the chain to assault the marbles o’ Morgan, and then hits The Stroke for the pin.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett
Post-Match: Morgan gets uncuffed and then hits a big ol’ clothesline on Jarrett! Morgan uses the chain to choke out Jarrett, but Fourtune hits the ring and attacks Matt Morgan. Fourtune is whoopin’ on Morgan, and Jarrett fashions a sling (more like a noose) out of the chain. They put the noose around Morgan and choke him out. Morgan’s feet are flailing and A.J. Styles screams that Morgan is a dead man. Morgan is turning purple and Fourtune set him down on the outside of the ring.
The TNA Reaction Overrun is over!
Solid show this week. Couple nagging nitpicky points (why doesn’t A.J. put up the TV title, why does Team 3-D need a title shot, the whole Angelina Love-Winter/Wynter business), but not bad overall. The Matt Morgan Defection was done in an interesting way, and it does sort of even out the odds. No Kurt Angle this week, no Mr. Anderson this week, no Samoa Joe this week, so the new entry into the feud against Immortal/Fourtune is cool to see when you consider that RVD is too busy fighting EV2 to bother with Fourtune/Immortal (a clever wrinkle IMO).
Eventually, the opposition is going to have to get on the same page. Hopefully the Fourtune-EV2 war will end for good at Turning Point so we can concentrate on who will be opposing Fourtune. Let’s take a look at the sides thus far (full-time wrestlers only):
1- A.J. Styles
2- Beer Money
3- Douglas Williams (for now–beware of swerves!)
5- Jeff Hardy
The Opposition is:
1- Kurt Angle
2- Mr. Anderson
3- D’Angelo Dinero
4- Samoa Joe
5- Matt Morgan (for now–beware of swerves!)
The good guys are outnumbered 7 to 5, but if Williams does get kicked out, it’s 6 to 6. You do have some cross-mojenization happening, but here’s how it should play out:
1- “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero vs Abyss
2- Mr. Anderson vs Jeff Hardy
3- Samoa Joe vs Jeff Jarrett
4- Matt Morgan vs Beer Money
5- Kurt Angle vs Kazarian and A.J. Styles (Flair’s, and therefore Bischoff’s, chosen combatants)
This does leave out Williams, but he could team up with Morgan against Beer Money quite nicely.
Anyway, that’s what I’m thinking. Lemme know what ya’ll be thinking in the comments sizznection.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact Reporter. Also, he loves the fishes because they are so delicious. He could eat them every day, and his Mom says that’s okay.
Tags: Fourtune, immortal, Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy, Mickie James, motor city machine guns, The Beautiful People, The Pope D'Angelo Dinero