For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 11/29/10

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive aggressive, royalty-proclaiming column on the world wide interweb, For Your Consideration. I am your regal host, Andrew Wheeler, and in honor of this three hour RAW, I’m going to eliminate some of the opening patter.

But, before I start this week’s column, I would be remiss if I didn’t touch on the two passings this week; Leslie Nielsen and Irvin Kershner. Leslie Nielsen started his career as a straight-up leading man before parlaying his talents into action movies. It wasn’t until years later with movies like “Airplane” that Nielsen became the comedic powerhouse. That film, along with “Naked Gun” are two essential for any fan of funny movies. I could delve into the massive pool of quotable lines, but if by this point you haven’t seen them on Facebook or Twitter as people’s statuses, it’s time to get some new friends.

Irvin Kershner directed several projects, but his seminal work is obviously “Empire Strikes Back”. That, folks, is a pretty nice legacy to leave behind. “Empire”, with all due respect to Mr. Graves, is the best of the trilogy. Kershner showed us that while George Lucas has the talent to dream up big, inventive stories, he needs someone with a steady hand to execute them properly. “Empire” is one of the two or three sequels in history that managed to match or top their original, and perfected the kind of dark second act that would later be seen in “The Dark Knight”. When you’re the man known for topping “Star Wars”, you know you had the goods.

Alright, lastly before we get down to business, I just want to get some housekeeping out of the way. No, your Thanksgiving turkey hangover wasn’t fooling you, I actually did do a FYC for Impact this past weekend. It’s still up now and well worth a reading, though it always cracks me up that whenever I write about TNA and try to be evenhanded that I’m accused of being biased against the show. Hopefully my brief stop in the world of theme park wrestling will satisfy you until the always fantastic Suspension of Disbelief makes a triumphant return. Lastly, remember you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316) where I recently cracked on MVP and he was nice enough to retweet it (showing that he, unlike some folks floating around the IWC, can take a joke). You can also friend me on Facebook, and I want to thank everyone on there for the congratulations shout-outs. Alright, enough whoring, on to…

The RAW Judicial Review for 11/29/10

“If ya smell….”

We open with a video package recapping what was one of the best RAW shows in years. Cena leaves, Miz wins the title and no Primo…what more do you need?

This fades into the ear-bleeding Nickelback theme and then pyro, ballyhoo and screeching fans. Tonight, we will hear from the new WWE Champion The Miz. But first, there’s a throne, a robe and a scepter, which can mean only one thing, Pat Patterson is back. Well, either that or it’s King of the Ring.

Hide the liquor and the car keys, here comes The Mizfit. Alex Riley is wearing a suit tonight, which may or may not be court-ordered. Mizfit says that he was part of one of the greatest moments in entertainment. NXT? He compares Miz winning to man walking on the moon…because both were staged. I’m kidding, I’m not one of those people.

Alex Riley promises to throw Miz one of the greatest victory parties ever as CM Punk makes a DUI joke. Hey, you’re one paragraph late Punk, but I like where your head’s at.

King of the Ring Tournament Match: Alberto Del Rio v. Daniel Bryan

Del Rio comes out in a Rolls Royce wearing his tallit as Michael “Casual Male” Cole, Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and CM “COLT CABANA T-SHIRT ROCKING” Punk show us the brackets.

Punk compares this to Wrestlemania IV as he instantly becomes the best announcer in a decade. Daniel Byran comes out next without the Bella Twins, so maybe this’ll be a straight-up wrestling match.

Cole calls this the future of the WWE. As long as that isn’t followed by endeavored, I’m cool with it. Del Rio backs Bryan into the corner and unleashes kicks as the Philly crowd chants for Daniel Bryan. Alberto goes for a headlock, which Bryan turns into a pinfall attempt for two. Del Rio shoulderblocks him down and then they run the ropes before he gets hit with a dropkick for two.

Bryan gets whipped into the second rope before getting taken down with a spinebuster but Bryan reverses it into a Patti LaBelle lock attempt, which gets countered into a…

Commercial.

We’re back with an electrifying resthold. During the break, Bryan got clocked with an enziguri. Jesus, you know I’ve been doing this column for a while when my spellcheck recognizes enziguri.

Alberto slams Bryan and climbs to the second rope going for a corkscrew elbow, but Daniel moves out of the way and gets a roll-up for two. He then gets a fruit roll-up for two. Daniel fires back with uppercuts before executing his turnbuckle backflip and hits a belly-to-back suplex for two.

Bryan kicks Del Rio in the throat as I’m impressed that Alberto’s been able to hang in there. Bryan connects with a dropkick for what Cole calls two and a half, which obviously airs on another channel. Del Rio hits his own belly-to-back which looks like it killed Daniel. Alberto crashes to the outside and Bryan follows with a suicide dive but he crashes into the barricade to hold his shoulder. Wait a minute…an injured shoulder against a guy with an arm-bar submission finisher. You don’t think…hmm…

Daniel Bryan comes off the top rope with a dropkick but Bryan misses. Alberto Del Rio locks in the armbar and Bryan submits. Whoa…I did not see that coming. I mean, Vader was Luke’s father? Heavy.

Looking at the bracket, it’ll probably be Del Rio/Kingston, and I hope my prediction of Kofi is true.

We get a clip of former KOTR winners: Edge in 2001, Steve Austin in 1996, Triple H in 1997, Bret Hart in 1991 and 1993 and Brock Lesnar in 2002. What? No Billy Gunn?

Commercial.

Did you know more people get WWE programming than get clean water?

Here comes Resurrection-Truth who is back to asking us what’s up. Guess his days of getting crunk are over. How the hell does he always sound gassed doing this? If he’s this garbled singing and walking, imagine how hard it is for his opponents to hear a spot call. Truth asks Philly what’s up before saying that last week John Cena was forced to quit WWE and R-Truth was forced to stop using the word “the”. Truth calls Cena his friend, as Sloth loves Chunk. Cena had to pay the piper, apparently. It costed him what he loved the most. That, folks, is a direct quote. He says that Nexus may have won the battle, but the war hasn’t started yet. Truth challenges any member of Nexus to go one-on-one with an amorphous concept of honesty.

Mini-Orton is in the back but Nexus stops them. Slightly Perfect tells him that he’s going to accept the challenge as he’s walking down a lot of corridors. He then gets jumped by a guy in denim who does the “You can’t see me” hand gesture. I’m going to need more to go on.

Commercial.

We’re back with footage of Geno’s Cheesesteaks before cutting to the announce booth. Punk cuts through the bullshit and says that it was obviously John Cena. Oh CM Punk, where have you been all my life?

KOTR Tournament Match: Dashing Cody Rhodes v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Beard

Rhodes’s magic mirror at the ramp is fantastic. John comes out with his slow-motion nonsense, so it’s the battle of gimmicked entrances. The winner of this match faces Alberto Del Rio, and based on the quadratic equation, the winner here should be a face.

Rhodes and Morrison run the ropes to start as Punk points out that he’s a former King of the Ring. He claims to have won it in Rio, which is the same place Pat Patterson won the Intercontinental Title. Morrison knocks Rhodes out of the ring. Cody gets chased back in but he takes control.

Rhodes comes off the top rope with a high knee before whipping Morrison into the ropes. Punk points out that his haircut was successful in wrestling, like Ted Turner and phantom coma Bobby Heenan. Cody locks in a rest hold to sap John of his power to be a middling babyface.

Morrison breaks free and comes back with a lot of punches that are met with surprising silence. He amps it up with a dropkick for two. Cody goes for the Kelly Clarkson Song but John hits the flash kick and a running knee to the temple to knock out Rhodes for the pin. Were those wrestling moves or was it butter?

Miss USA Rima Fakih will crown the new King of the Ring. Uh huh.

Commercial.

KOTR Tournament Match: Drew McIntyre v. Ezekiel Jackson

Will Drew be the one that fate will choo-choo-choose? I haven’t seen a failed push like this since Wile E. Coyote standing near a cliff. Ezekiel Jackson comes out next after hours of soaking in baby oil. That dude looks ridiculously impressive and kudos to whoever last week compared him to Ahmed Johnson. Johnson was always a guy I thought could have done a lot if he avoided injury.

Drew slaps Zeke, treating this like prison. Jackson nails him with two clotheslines and splashes him in the corner for two. Apparently one of the turnbuckles is exposed, so Drew drives Jackson’s head into it. Punk breaks a cardinal sin by calling himself a wrestler, and you can literally hear Vince’s head explode.

McIntyre hits some clotheslines on Jackson but Zeke takes both of them over the top rope to the outside. They brawl on the ring apron as Punk accidentally gives away the ending by asking what happens if they both get counted out. Sure enough, they get counted out.

Jackson says screw it and decides to get revenge for the injustices Scotland did to South America (work with me here) and he throws McIntyre into the ring just to clothesline him out of it again. Now the winner of Kingston/Sheamus will go right to the finals.

Daniel Bryan is in the back icing his arm when one of the Bella Twins shows up. The other one arrives and they both flirt with him. The Mizfit wanders in with a Bluetooth and yells at the Bellas before Miz calls him. Riley says that Bryan missed out on the biggest opportunity of his life by not listening to The Miz.

Commercial.

We’re back with another video recap of Miz winning the title. The announce team hypes up Miz showing up before telling us that Randy Orton is injured…again. Sounds like a work to me.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Cole calls him his son, which is impossible because Miz knows enough to wear a tie. Miz comes out with the spinning title, The Mizfit and the WWE Copyright logo.

Miz says he had a huge celebration planned but he didn’t need it. Damnit, I wanted that sweet red carpeting mat and the belt sitting in a glass case. The Miz shows stills of people from last week. First is a girl shocked, second we see her morph into Satan spawn girl. Classic. Kudos to the camera guy who found that kid.

Miz thanks everyone at MTV who said he wouldn’t be a wrestler. He thanks every fan and wrestler who said he would never amount to nothing. Way to go with the double-negatives there, champ. Miz calls out JBL, Triple H and Cena before saying he’s WWE Champion. The Miz points out that Orton isn’t there because he was embarrassed, and that’s saying something for a guy that went AWOL and had to team with Bob Holly.

The Miz says that if anyone says you can’t achieve your dream…listen to them. That was actually pretty funny. Miz says he’s different because he achieved his dreams. Two weeks ago Roddy Piper said that in his generation they made things happen. They also held down minority wrestlers and took advantage of countless women, but that’s not the point right now. Miz has Mizfit hold up the WWE Championship book before saying that guys like Piper and Steamboat never won the title.

Lawler grabs the microphone so I guess it’s time for his annual ass kicking. Jerry congratulates him but says that Miz beat a guy that was attacked by seven people earlier in the night. Lawler says that those actions don’t make him awesome. Trust him, he knows actions that aren’t awesome.

Cole asks Lawler to stop downplaying The Miz’s victory so he should sit back, relax and wait until he can go back to the hotel, find a nice woman and ask for her daughter’s number. Cole says that Lawler may be made an example of by The Miz, so Jerry challenges him to a match because he never had a title shot in 17 years in the company. Miz calls it a great idea but says he isn’t interested in defending his belt.

Miz rattles off another double-negative as the GMail mercifully goes off. And I paraphrases: Miz’s win was impressive but he needs to defend the title in the main event against Jerry Lawler. Three weeks is the TLC PPV, so tonight is a TLC Match.

Commercial.

We’re back with Cole and Punk because Jerry had to go to the back to get ready. He’s in the locker-room practicing raising and lowering the strap on his tights.

KOTR Tournament Match: Sheamus v. Kofi Kingston

This is ghanna be a good match. Sheamus is Punk’s pick, while Kofi’s mine (a case I laid out for you a few weeks ago). With these two in the ring, all I can think of is the line “look to the cookie, Elaine.”

In a few weeks we get the Slammy Awards, and I hope they bring back Dennis Miller. Kofi and Sheamus both go over the top rope. They run back into the ring and Sheamus gets hit with a big kick. Sheamus shrugs it off and hits a backbreaker for two. Punk calls Kofi his buddy since they were tag champs. Sheamus, meanwhile, drops some knees before locking in a resthold.

Kofi breaks free and kicks him for a while so that Cole can remind us that the King of the Ring Tournament has been around since 1985. Kofi hits a leaping chop which gets no reaction from the audience for some reason. He hits the boom, boom, boom, which pops the fans.

Kingston tries to do his leaping second rope punches but Sheamus moves out of the way and goes for the Stoned Crucifix but gets caught with Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus flops halfway out of the ring and clutches the apron to stop the pin. Kofi comes off the top rope with a crossbody but gets caught with a bicycle kick for the pin. Shit, I probably shouldn’t have bet all my wedding gift money on a fixed wrestling match. My wife is gonna kill me…

Commercial.

We’re back with Yoshi Tatsu and Mark Hey-Hey-Henry in the ring. Uh oh, this can’t be a good sign.

Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Hey-Hey-Henry v. Nexus

Nexus gets a full entrance as Justin Gabriel is sporting a playoff beard. He’s so butch.

Tatsu and Gabriel start it off and Yoshi takes him down with an armbar and a dropkick for two. Gabriel and Slater do some quick tags to beat on Tatsu, because whenever you hit him, you wanna hit him again like 30 minutes later.

John Cena comes through the crowd holding several tickets. I guess he wants to be able to put his feet up. Gabriel holds back Tatsu so Slater can hit him and hammers away for a few seconds. Tatsu tags in Henry who beats down the ginger. Henry gets a splash for two. Tatsu and Gabriel clothesline each other over the top rope. Slater his Henry with a boot and climbs on the second rope. He pauses to taunt Cena and winds up getting flattened with the World’s Strongest Slam.

After the match, Cena clears off the announce table and FU’s Slater through it. He then flees before Nexus can make the save. Punk’s upset because his diet soda was spilt. Slater gingerly walks to the back.

Commercial.

We’re back and Nexus and their new t-shirts are angry. Otunga points out that Cena has nothing to hold him back. Wade says that there are no restrictions with regards to what they can do to him. Um, hate to get lawyerly, but now that he’s a citizen, you actually can’t do anything to him without facing serious legal action. What they should do is press charges against Cena for battery and lock him up for a long time. I mean, there’s actual video proof of what he did. Even Lionel Hutz couldn’t fuck that up.

Jerry’s in the back getting ready. Arn Anderson shows up and says that TLC matches are dangerous. Lawler says he’s never been in a TLC match, but he’s never been in a WWE Title match. Anderson shakes his hand as we fade back to the remnants of the announce table.

KOTR Tournament Match: Alberto Del Rio v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Beard

Alberto Del Rio drives out in the car again. So did seriously back that up just to drive it forward again? Seems like a lot of work for nothing. He gets Orton’s old pyro again as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio is still celebrating. He gets a pissy expression on his face when he hears Morrison’s music, as if he wasn’t expecting that to happen. Sadly for Alberto, he will be another victim of the quadratic equation, as he’s going to lose because we aren’t getting a heel versus heel finish.

Del Rio and Morrison face off before Alberto kicks him. Punk points out that the most recent King of the Ring winner was William Regal, who is on sabbatical. Cole then points out the 800 pound gorilla by saying that Mabel won the KOTR in Philly. In the ring, Del Rio pulls out a Jericho-esque armbar. John fires back but that gets quickly put down like Old Yeller. Morrison fires back again and hits a spinning-heel kick for two.

Alberto takes John down with an armbreaker for two before punching him in the back of the head. By having a very specific submission finisher, it allows Alberto to have a body part to pick apart. When in doubt, he has something to focus on. Alberto takes down Morrison but his horn starts honking. Apparently Mysterio broke into his car, not that I want to perpetuate any stereotypes. Morrison hits the Flying NBC Spy Show for the pin.

Wade Barrett is walking in the hallway towards a…

Commercial.

I just want to point out that Michael Cole is a trending topic on Twitter. The world may be coming to an end. Knowing Vince, he’ll take this as a sign that Cole should be WWE Champion.

Wade Barrett is out and he calls Cena’s plan transparent. Apparently Wade is the only one who can rehire John. He points out that Cena’s plan to get Barrett so upset that he reinstates him won’t work. Barrett says that Nexus is going to hunt him down. Cena appears on the Titantron to say he will keep his word and take out every member of Nexus. Barrett says that Cena is clearly in the parking lot and asks for WWE Security. Cena drops a Nielson reference by saying he surely can’t be expecting security to help.

Nexus shows up and surrounds John but Cena reminds them that he’s not the only enemy. It turns into an ambush as the lower card attacks. Gabriel gets thrown through the window of a car, slammed into steps and FUd onto the hood of that same car. Ten bucks says that’s Mizfit’s rental. Sweet Jesus, John killed a guy. He should probably look for a safehouse or a relative close by because he’s probably wanted for vehicular assault.

Commercial.

We’re back as we see what’s left of that automobile. It looks more busted than Dory Funk Jr.

Maryse, Alicia Fox & Snukette v. Gail Kim, Melina & Natalya

Punk buries this thing before it even starts, and I couldn’t agree any more. Melina and Maryse start off face to chin before they roll around. Maryse rolls out of the ring and they run around the ring like a midget match. Melina pulls Maryse’s hair but Maryse reverses the hair-pull into a pin. Alicia gets tagged in and she slams Melina’s head into the mat. Fox drapes her across the second rope to choke her as Melina pulls out the Matrix Reloaded; it isn’t as good as Trish’s just like the Matrix sequel wasn’t as good as Weekend at Bernies.

Santino comes out with a guitar singing “I Think We’re Alone Now”. Guess when they released Jillian Hall they kept the microphone. Snukette drags him to the back as Melina tags in Natalya. Oh, we’re pretending that this is still a real match. Natalya slams Fox down and goes for a Sharpshooter to pay homage to the Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware. She locks it in and Alicia taps to mercifully end the Diva portion of tonight’s show. Did Gail Kim even get tagged in? Poor Canadian.

We get a Jerry Lawler package that just happened to have been lying around. At least we get to see one of my heroes, Andy Kaufman.

Commercial.

We’re back with Ted DiBiase playing with a toy title belt. Maryse comes in the back to berate him for doing that. She says she sees the guy who tapped out twice. She asks what kind of man he is but he then goes all domestic violence by yelling at her to shut up.

David Otunga and Husky Harris are in the back looking for John Cena. If they’re trying to be stealth, they probably shouldn’t have a camera crew following them around. Cena might notice the gaffer grip and the boom mic.

Mini-Orton is in the back with John Morrison and Sheamus. Matthews says that Sheamus has an advantage for only wrestling once, but John was the guy who beat Sheamus when they fought. Sheamus compliments Morrison for capitalizing on a mistake, but “yer ahm is hert. Yet slim pickins ahn ahm gunna leaf nuthin leff.” John says that nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters because one of them will leave as the king.

Commercial.

We get another Slammy promo. Hey, the logo for that show looks really familiar.

Justin Roberts invites out Miss USA, who is escorted by Santino. I guess he already finished with Snukette. She apparently used to frequent the old WWE New York restaurant, which prompts Punk to reference Sunday Night Heat.

King of the Ring Finals: Sheamus v. John Slo-Mo-Rison w/ Beard

We get to see John’s entrance for a third time tonight. I think we would have been fine capping that at one.

Morrison and Sheamus lock up and Sheamus already goes for the arm since Del Rio worked it over in the last match. That’s a nice piece of continuity right there. Sheamus continues to work the arm but John breaks free and tries for a flash kick but gets knocked out of the ring. Sheamus lets off the O’Doyle Rules yell as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus is going for a pin. During the break, Sheamus bounced Morrison off the ropes like he was an indie promoter’s check. Sheamus connects with an armbreaker for two. See, this strategy is flawed because Sheamus believes that by eliminating his drinking arm that he’ll weaken Morrison, but John isn’t Irish.

Sheamus hits Morrison with about twenty forearms, yelling after each one like he’s a Street Fighter character. Then, to keep the crowd riveted, he locks in an resthold. John breaks free and connects with a heel kick for two. Morrison gets Sheamus cornered as he goes for ten punches, but after five Sheamus shoves him off. Sheamus goes for a bicycle kick but John moves, so he just hits Morrison with a clothesline for two.

Sheamus sets Morrison up for the Stoned Crucifix but Morrison breaks it up. Sheamus charges Morrison in the corner but he gets hit with an elbow. Morrison gets a DDT for two.

Morrison gets blocked by Sheamus with a knee clip. John ignores this and goes to the top rope by Sheamus throws him off the top rope onto that bad shoulder. Sheamus locks in a Fujiwara armbar. Morrison gets up to his feet and Sheamus hip checks him back into it. He’s like a giant, pale Malenko.

Sheamus gets kicked in the head so he breaks the hold. Morrison hits an enziguri out of nowhere and he goes for Starship Pain but gets kneed to, what Cole called the back and the gut. That is one magic lougie. Sheamus hits the bicycle kick and then nails the Stoned Crucifix for the pin.

Sheamus iz da Kihn uh ah Rihn.

Sheamus grabs the giant scepter as the robe is put on him. He gets crowned and you really get a sense that he is one ugly looking dude. “Finally, da royal linyage uh da high kingsah Ireland ihs fuhlfulled. Bowcha nuw king mah subjucts. Long liff dah king.”

Lawler and Miz are walking in the back in what appears to be a time-space continuum rip.

Commercial.

Lawler hasn’t been this big of an underdog since his rape trial. Too soon…is what he asked the judge when they read the girl’s age. I tease Jerry with love. Rape accusations are just part of being one of the boys. Just ask Dusty or Patterson or Wrestlemania main eventer Lawrence Taylor.

WWE/USWA TLC Title Match: The Miz versus Jerry “The King” Lawler

The Miz comes out first, which pisses me off to no end. The champion should always come out last. No excuses.

Lawler is out next with a nice pop. Cole and Punk put over Jerry’s title accomplishments, which is a nice touch. Miz and Lawler lock up and Miz backs him into the corner. Jerry nails him with a punch to punctuate the fact that he knows a lot. Miz slams Jerry and then berates him.

Miz and Lawler lock up and Jerry now lams him. The Miz hammers away on Lawler with punches and kicks before whipping Lawler out of the ring. The reason this booking is brilliant is that you neutralize a potentially heel-friendly Philly crowd and put them in a position where they won’t book Lawler, making Miz still seem like a big time heel.

On the outside, Miz hits Lawler with a chair a few times before lobbing him into the ring. Miz sets up two chairs and tries to suplex him. Lawler reverses it but he stumbles back and knocks the chairs over. Miz hits the neck/backbreaker onto the chair before stomping Jerry.

A “Miz is Awesome” chant creeps up, which Cole calls pro-Lawler. Uh huh. The Mizfit folds up a ladder to give to Miz but Lawler nails him in the back with a chair. He hits him five or six times like he’s nailing Dundee. Jerry brings a ladder to the ring, which leads to a tug-of-war. Miz takes it on the chin (that’s what she said) and Jerry drags it fully into the ring. He tries to ram Miz with it (that’s what she said…again) but Miz moves. Miz gets backdropped onto the ladder (that…has no sexual connotation whatsoever).

Lawler teases a fistdrop but Mizfit clotheslines him down. Riley tries to suplex Lawler but Jerry shoves him through a table. His blood-lumber level is well above the legal limit.

Jerry climbs the ladder but Miz stops him. Miz boots him in the face and hits a suplex onto the chair. Miz hits him a few times with a chair before climbing to the top with the chair. Jerry crotches him on the top rope and tries for a superplex. Miz headbutts him but Jerry shoves Miz off the top turnbuckle and through a chair. Jerry is in the ring all alone, but he’s chosen to take a nap.

Cole leaves the announce position to help get Miz up to his feet, which seems like a little too much. Jerry Lawler is very slowly getting away up the ladder. Cole holds Lawler’s ankle. Jerry argues with Cole as they kill A LOT of time. Lawler lays out Michael Cole and just unloads on him as Miz climbs the ladder. Jerry climbs up with him and now they’re both on top of the ladder. Jerry and Miz teeter back and forth, trading punches like kids trade snacks at lunch. Miz hits Lawler in the head with the belt, knocking him off. Miz removes the belt and he’s still the champion.

There is no way Cole and Lawler can be straight-up commentators ever again. Punk puts over Lawler, who proved that even at his age he can still put together a watchable match. The ending was never in true jeopardy, but Jerry made people think he could do it. There are about twenty guys in the back that would kill for an ability like that.

This has been for your consideration.

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