Good Idea: Build up future stars.
Bad Idea: Bury those stars once they have the belt.
Good Idea: Push new champions.
Bad Idea: Don’t let them hold the belt for more than two months.
Good Idea: Release your pay-per-views on DVD only a month after they aired (TNA, take note)
Bad Idea: On the front case of the DVD, spoil the outcomes of all the main matches.
June 20th, 2010 from Uniondale, NY. Also the home of Wrestlemania 2 and the 2008 Great American Bash. Wow, Uniondale, what did you do to piss off WWE? If this show sucks it’s proof that they REALLY hate you.
BUT FIRST~!! Here comes Vince McMahon. Okie dokie. He’s out to announce that Raw GM Bret Hart won’t be here tonight because Nexus beat him up, placed him in a limo, then had the limo crash into a bunch of things. Ooooh. And that’s it. Well that was pointless.
Match #1: Intercontinental Championship
(c) Kofi Kingston vs. Drew McIntyre
Say, didn’t I just review this fucker? So for the second straight pay-per-view, we open with the king of blandness. This will be a sure way to fire up the crowd. Vince McMahon offers Drew a big handshake because they’ll beat that chestnut into the ground whether it works or not. Oh, and it doesn’t, in case you were wondering. McIntyre continues his feud with Teddy Long by ordering him out to the ring. Teddy whimpers out and is ordered to take a seat to watch the match. I’ve seen better acting at my family’s funerals.
Kofi goes for the legs with some kicks. He moves Drew to the corner and wrings McIntyre’s arm. Drew fights back with a clothesline and a stomp. Slug-off and Drew shoots off Kofi, who reverses into a monkey-flip and a dropkick, then a 360 clothesline sends McIntyre to the floor. Suicida by Kingston and he rolls Drew back into the ring, but McIntyre rolls out the opposite side. Camera angle fails to properly catch Drew chop-blocking Kofi coming out to get him. It gets two. Mounted punches by Drew and random brawling. Drew clubs Kofi on the apron and manages to draw honest-to-God heat. Kofi flips into a mule kick that connects, but he’s still injured so Drew wrings his arm onto the post and rolls him in for two. And now to an armbar.
Kofi armdrags out of it and avoids one shot but then gets uppercut by Drew. Stomp to the face and a running stomp. Brawl in the corner and Drew seems to be getting angry. I like it. Arm-whip gets two, which is not the move to do when you’re trying to sell that you’re getting pissed off. He goes to the top-wristlock, then drives Kofi to the mat with it. Kneedrop and another running stomp. McIntyre mocks Kofi’s mannerisms and gets kicked in the leg for it. Drew grounds and pounds, then hooks in a chinlock but must break because Kofi’s feet are under the ropes. Armbar-chinlock by Drew but Kofi wiggles his head free and fights back with his free arm. Sunset flip is countered with a punch by Drew that misses and he hits the mat. Running kick anyway by McIntyre and a falling arm-breaker across the knees gets two. Psychology is sound by Drew but he really needs to tone up the pace. His face is selling a degree of rage, but it doesn’t match his actions in the ring. If he finds that sweet spot where he can mix and match the two, he might end up being something special.
McIntyre brawls Kingston in the corner and goes for a short-arm clothesline, but Kingston beautifully floats through it and hits a DDT for a double-KO. That was a work of art. Very clever, seamless counter that looked like something out of a video game. Double-KO is followed by a slugout. Drew shoots off but eats a pair of double-sledges by Kofi and a dropkick. Kofi floats into a rollup for two. Springboard-crossbody for two. Kingston gets clubbed in the bad arm and eats a neckbreaker across the knee for two. Both guys seem like they’ve run out of steam. Russian-legsweep by Kingston and he hits the Boom Drop. He calls for the tornado kick but McIntyre backs off to the corner and dumps Kofi to the apron, where he rams Kofi’s face in the turnbuckle. He tries to slam Kofi back into the ring but Kofi falls down on it for two. Running boot to Kofi’s face and he needs to suck some wind in. He loads up the Future Shock but Kofi counters and springs into a tornado DDT for two as Drew gets his feet on the ropes. Kofi goes for a ten-punch but Drew turns it into a running powerbomb for two.
We spend a little too much time in a replay and come back just in time to see Kofi hit the SOS for two. Makes me cringe every single time. And then we get a replay of that and thus we miss Drew sending Kofi into the turnbuckle. Referee Charles Robinson gets bumped when Kofi wraps his legs around Drew’s neck and McIntyre tosses him into poor Charlie. Future Shock to Kofi but there’s no referee. I hate it when they do this with the heel. This is a babyface spot. McIntyre drags Teddy Long into the ring and orders him to be the referee now. Instead of just assuming that Long has that power, he strips the referee of the shirt and makes Long put it on. This eats up nearly three minutes. He then covers Kofi, but Teddy won’t count the three even though Kingston seems to be out cold. Damn, yo, that’s some double-arm DDT. This is totally ruining the match. Drew threatens him to kick his ass if he doesn’t count to three. BUT WAIT~!! – because here’s Matt Hardy. Twist of Fate from Matt and a tornado kick from Kingston finish McIntyre.
***1/2 Add an extra quarter-star if you shorten the finish to the referee getting bumped and then Matt running in. Too much time killed, and although I usually don’t score against finishes, my hands are tied when three minutes of nothing happens. Okay, complaints out of the way, because this was Drew McIntyre’s first time looking good since he arrived in the WWE. Solid, consistent psychology on his part and decent pacing. Kofi is always game to have a very straight-forward midcard level bout and thus both guys looked great here. Was this Drew’s coming out party? Time will tell. He still needs to work on the personality and maybe get some help in the form of a more aggressive, bully-like moveset. Although this is a classic example of too much angle getting in the way of a match (see Eddie Guerrero’s entire run from 2003 to 2005) I enjoyed this quite a bit. Excellent way to start the show.
-Meanwhile, the Hart Dynasty is upset about Bret’s assault and now they want to fuck up Usos. David Hart-Smith says Bret is like a father to him, which is likely a good thing because if his dad was around he would be too busy trying to eat his son’s delicious brains to offer fatherly advice.
Match #2: Divas Championship, Fatal Four Way
(c) Eve vs. Gail Kim vs. Maryse vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia Fox continues her quest to return to her birth weight. Meanwhile, Maryse is wearing a choker now to hide her Adam’s apple. Wake up, people! Four way brawl to start, with Alicia on Gail Kim and Maryse on Eve. They trade mounted punches, while Kim whips Alicia but misses a crossbody and gets kicked coming down. Alicia gets a nice looking northern lights suplex for two, then gets jack-knifed by Eve for two. Maryse slips in and covers her for two. Tilt-a-whirl slam by Fox to Kim, who is gassed and needs oxygen on the outside. Maryse and Fox double up on Eve, and we know who has the balls in that alliance. Maryse takes her to the corner and throws some stiff looking shots with the point of her wrist.
Kim comes back in and catches Fox in the Six Second Magic (apt move for her because that’s about as long as she can go without blowing up) while Eve catches Maryse in an armbar. Fox makes the ropes and so Kim runs over and breaks Maryse free. Everyone trades putting shitty Fujiwara armbars on Maryse and she bails to grab her arm and adjust her ball sack. Eve slaps a camel clutch on her, then Kim also puts on a Boston Crab on top of that. Maryse saves and Fox rolls out of the way. Maryse dumps Eve and Kim, but then Fox gets face to face with her. When you see their profiles, it looks like a drag queen in a stare-down with a paper doll. Maryse jaws with Fox and they end up brawling. Sidekick by Maryse gets two as Eve saves. Kim dropkicks both Eve and Maryse, then shoots the French dude to the corner. Missile dropkick by Kim gets two. Striker calls it “Jumping Bomb Angel Double-Stomp.” Michael Cole has no clue what he’s talking about. Kim charges Eve in the corner but Fox yanks her into taking a header on the apron. Even with a neckbreaker on Maryse and then climbs for a moonsault, but Alicia dumps her and covers for the pin and the championship.
*** Decent match. Nicely paced, everything looked as crisp as a Divass match gets, and it actually had a logical storyline going for it. This is an example of how to use a gimmick match to hide the limitations of the participants, and give credit to whichever agent put this thing together in the planning stages because this is the shocker of the year in terms of match quality. Man, this show is pretty good thus far.
-Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio warms up but ends up face-to-navel with the Big Show. Mysterio says he’s got twenty years of experience and should not be written off. He claims his heart is bigger than Big Show’s fist. If that’s the literal case, I know who I’m betting on to be the next wrestling fatality.
Match #3
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Ooooh, random. I haven’t watched Raw or Smackdown in over six months now so I have no clue what the build to this was. Apparently it simply was that Bourne kicked out of the Code Breaker and thus Jericho went nuts and got himself DQed. Jericho grabs the stick and takes credit for everyone being WWE fans. Jericho says he’s not the toast of the town anymore. But he’s still the most important guy on the roster, the greatest champion the WWE has ever had, and nobody relates to him because nobody else is the best in the world at what they do but him. This includes well-timed leaves of absence.
And am I the only one who thinks Bourne looks like someone who just missed a Saved by the Bell casting call?
Fans cheer for Jericho as they lock up. Jericho punches Bourne around and then whips him to the corner for a clothesline. Jericho brawls him some more like he’s a mini-JBL, but Bourne gets a head-scissors and a low dropkick for one. Bourne tries to build up speed and gets clotheslined down for two. Brawling by Jericho and a whip to the corner, but Chris misses a charge and tumbles to the outside. Bourne climbs and hits a crossbody-type thing on Jericho on the floor. He tosses Jericho back in the ring but gets caught climbing back in. Springboard dropkick knocks Evan off the apron.
Jericho tosses Bourne back in and kicks him in the chest. Bourne knots up the leg only to get dropkicked down for two. Snapmare and a kick to the back by Jericho for two. Bourne fights back with more kicks to the leg and a spinning heel kick. Dropkick in the corner for two by Bourne, then more kicks to the legs, but Jericho grabs a bridged German suplex for two. Jericho climbs, allowing Bourne to spring up from a standing position and grab a rana off the top for two. Jericho floats through what looked like an attempt by Bourne for a Code Breaker and hooks in the Walls, but Bourne makes the ropes and gets booed off the planet. Evan tries to grab a breather on the apron but Jericho knocks him off and into the announce table. He bails to slam Bourne on the table, but then gets caught charging and drop-toeholded into the stairs.
Back in, Bourne climbs and hits a double-knee to the face for two. Jericho catches him with his crappy double-underhook-backbreaker for two. It just always looked weak to me. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, then sticks the landing when Evan rolls out of the way. He can’t find his balance and Bourne hits him with a high knee. Bourne goes to climb but takes too long. He still tries for the shooting star press, and then actually sticks the landing when he sees Jericho roll out of the way. Pretty impressive stuff (and a good way to blow-out your knee if you don’t land perfectly), but Jericho still hits the Code Breaker. He takes too long to cover and it only gets two. Jericho freaks out and starts screaming at Bourne to “stay down” and nearly gets pinned in a rollup. Jericho goes for the Walls again, but Bourne grabs a headlock and drives him down with a DDT. He climbs again but this time he gets caught. Jericho loads up a superplex but Bourne fights him off and gets ready for the SSP. Jericho counters again and tosses Jericho off, then hits the shooting star press for the pin. Fans pop for both Bourne and for the good match.
***3/4 Missing a bit of intensity I felt. This needed a little more aggression on Jericho’s part. I don’t feel that he actually played his role in this match correctly. The angle going in was that Jericho was pissed that Bourne kicked out of his Code Breaker. But in the match he didn’t play any sense of desperation until the end. Jericho’s character called for a more aggressive ruthlessness for this contest, and I didn’t feel he delivered. Don’t get me wrong, this was a pretty good match, but they played this more like a “giant killer” type of deal and although Jericho’s status might be huge, his stature is not. Otherwise this was very good, with a nice pace and awesome selling by Bourne. Timing was good even if the designated pace was flawed. And we’re now three-for-three.
Match #4: World Heavyweight Championship, Fatal Four Way
(c) Jack Swagger vs. Big Show vs. CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
So according to the pre-match promo, the build to this centered around a guy who wasn’t even in the damn match. Oh, and you can tell who the babyfaces are because they all walk out with the biggest, dumbest shit-eating grins in history. The WWE has regressed to 1960’s booking mentality where the babyfaces have to always smile with teeth showing. The heels have to smile too but they can’t show teeth, because that shows they are evil or something. Matt Striker claims that CM Punk looks even more intimidating under the mask. Yea, because for all we know they replaced him with a billy goat and they’re known be aggressive. Then Mysterio comes out and Michael Cole notes that they have been “following his career for years.” As opposed to all those other guys that have been in the company for a decade that they haven’t even learned the names of yet, like that, um, Mike Hardy guy and, um, is that Hurrinerd still around?
Then Michael Cole notes that Jack Swagger has had an incredible run as champion. He almost broke .500 and everything! Seriously, the worst news I’ve heard all year is that Vince McMahon renewed his WWE contract. It’s time to step away, Vinnie Mac. You’ve driven your company into the ground. Every failing is on you. It’s time to let someone more progressive, like Triple H, take over. Stupid, smiling babyfaces. Announcers that are so bad they would make WCW blush in shame. Gimmicked pay-per-views. Switching the World Championship every other month, then settling on fucking KANE of all people?
I concede that not everyone thinks that conceptually TV-PG wrestling is a bad idea. I think it’s outdated, but to each their own. That said, every single thing I listed above is something unrelated to the rating. There are easy fixes if you’re a rational person. Given the WWE’s practically unlimited resources, how they have managed to settle into this rut of mediocrity absolutely floors me. People used to mock WCW’s “Corporate Wrasslin” hierarchy and infrastructure. The WWE has apparently looked at their model for failure and said “sign me up!”
Four-way stare down to start. Punk and Swagger go to team up on Mysterio, but then Show saves by swatting them off. Skillet-chop to Swagger, then he casually tosses Punk off his back. Mysterio with a low dropkick to Punk, while Show goes off on Swagger in the corner. Punk gets dumped by Rey, then Show dumps Swagger. Stare down between the babyfaces. Mysterio tries to attack Show, but that goes nowhere. Show balls up for the knockout punch so Mysterio bails. Show palms Mysterio back into the ring, which in theory would break his neck, then tosses him to Swagger. Show covers Rey for two, then Punk saves. He gets swatted down and covered for two. Swagger breaks it up, gets the same, and Mysterio saves at two. He hoists Mysterio up for a powerslam, fights off the heels, then gets countered into a DDT by Mysterio for two.
Everyone tries to pile on Show, but Swagger pulls them off and hits the pump splash in the corner for two. Punk and Mysterio kick Show out of the ring, but Swagger runs in and clotheslines Rey for two. Hard whip to the corner by Swagger and some stomping, followed by a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Swagger grinds Mysterio’s face into the mat, then hooks in a full-nelson type move. Yea, I’m mister technical know-how. Mysterio fights out and preps Swagger for the 619, but he gets caught in a crossbody by Punk for two. Punk dumps Swagger and then goes to stomp Rey in the corner. Backbreaker by Punk gets two. Swagger comes back in and gets the karate treatment by Punk. High knee to Swagger, but Mysterio counters another. Swagger grabs both Punk and Mysterio and German suplexes both of them, covering each for two. He goes for the Gutbomb on Punk, but gets hit with a roundhouse kick. Mysterio preps Punk for the 619, but Big Show is out of his coma and grabs him swinging around and slams him on the announce table. Wouldn’t the logical thing be to let Mysterio hit this devastating move, taking Punk out of the match, before killing Mysterio? WRESTLING LOGIC!!
Show destroys both heels, sandwiching them in the corner and clotheslining them both. He calls for the chokeslam but everyone is out of the ring. He bails out of the ring to grab CM Punk, or “Rey Mysterio” as he’s known by his close, personal friend Michael Cole. Seriously Michael, I know they’re both two really short guys covered in hideous tattoos wearing masks, but is it REALLY that hard to keep track of which is which? One of them smells like refried beans, the other doesn’t. Take notes, dipshit!
Show tosses CM Mysteripunk in the ring, but Swagger kicks the stairs into him. The announcers say it was Rey Mysterio, because they’re instructed to watch the monitors instead of the live match, and despite having HD cameras the production fuckwits failed to get an angle that showed more than the two feet making contact with the stairs. That said, it was clearly Swagger. Mysterio does come in with a 619 on Show using the ringpost, then Punk hits a crossbody on Show. Seated senton to Swagger, that Jackie starts to fall on before Rey is even close to him. Rey charges into a sloppy kick from Swagger, then Punk hits the GTS on him and we have a four-way knockout.
BUT WAIT~!! Because here is Kane for our longest running episodic action-adventure-comedy-musical-soap opera-medical drama-Nick Jr. WWE Universe sports entertainment extravaganza. And he’s wheeling a coffin out, perhaps symbolic of the total burial that’s about to befall Jack Swagger. Meta. Kane decides that Punk is the guy who attacked Undertaker, then pathetically goes to chokeslam him in the casket. Luke Gallows saves and Punk leaves the match. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Mysterio hits the 619 on Swagger and the flop-splash for the pin and the title. Um, yea.
*** Not bad, not great. Just really average. There wasn’t much in the way of psychology here. Just typical multi-man “somehow knock two guys out of the ring so that two guys can be the center of attention” convenience with double team spots to transition from person to person. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, there’s not much else you can do with such a setup. Swagger’s timing was way off and the Kane segment hurt what was otherwise a perfectly average match.
-Meanwhile, John Cena is here to talk about the Nexus. He thinks that everyone in the match has an unspoken rule that they will stick together if the greenhorns attack.
Match #5: United States Championship
(c) The Miz vs. R-Truth
The Miz has his own rap, but he seems to have forgotten some of the lyrics to it. He then has trouble keeping a straight face. Good stuff. Truth gets no reaction as a result. Lockup and Truth gets a shoulderblock. Lockup and a few more shoulderblocks as the fans chant “Miz is Awesome” or possibly “Awful.” Miz bails to the floor where Truth gets a shoulderblock. Moveset! Back in, it gets two. Miz kicks Truth springing off the ropes, then stomps away. Random brawling and an armbar by Miz. This match sucks.
Truth fights back and hiptosses Miz, then shoots him to the corner. Miz flips Truth to the apron, where they brawl and Truth gets shoved off. Miz asks for a count. They actually have the balls to do a nine-count from this. Miz goes to stomp, but the referee breaks it up. Miz brawls him some more in the corner, and again the referee demands he break to give R-Truth a breather. Diving clothesline in the corner by Miz gets two. He hooks on a body scissors. Truth gets free only to get booted in the face for two. Random brawling on the ropes, then Truth tries to fight back but runs into a kitchen-sink kneelift. Miz slugs it out some more and goes back to a grounded armbar, then a bow-and-arrow. Miz releases and charges, but Truth catches him in a back suplex for two. More brawling by Miz and a vertical suplex for two.
He plays to the crowd and gives Truth enough time to recover and hits a pancake suplex for two. Striker declares the momentum is shifting, but Miz instead trips him into the middle turnbuckle. He loads up a superplex but Truth fights off and hits a suicide dropkick that leads into a double-knockout. “Is that one of those flying-Angel things?” asks Lawler. Truth is a house of fire now. Clotheslines and a flapjack. Flatliner gets two. Suplex-jawbreaker gets two. Both guys clearly draw a blank, leading to Miz hitting his neck combo for two. Miz misses a charge in the corner and it sets him up for a scissors kick from Truth for two. Miz grabs the rope, so Truth drags him to the center and covers again for two. Fans are so dead the WWE has to readjust its Wellness Policy again. Truth whiffs a crossbody off the top, and Miz goes in for the kill. Instead Truth gets a small package for two, then a school boy for two. Truth goes for something but Miz sits on it for the pin.
1/2* Really awful match. They just never got any steam going and couldn’t bring the fans into it. And it’s not entirely on R-Truth, as Miz seemed to be unable to heat up the match, as the fans liked Miz more but not enough to react to him. No chemistry equals no flow and as a result the match was stillborn.
-Meanwhile, Edge, who’s 37 but due to weight loss and injuries now looks like he’s in his 50s. See Piper, Roddy. Anyway, he threatens to win the championship in a pretty generic promo.
Match #6: Mixed Tag Match
The Hart Dynasty vs. The Usos
This is my first time watching the Usos, who have horrible music and no heat. Tamina is hot though. Natalya and Tamina start. Tamina gets her in a head-scissors, which already shows her moveset is more varied than her father’s. She winds up Natalya’s arm, but Neidhart flips through and gets a cover for two. Tags to Jey and DH. David winds up the arm, avoids a clothesline and gets a jackknife for two. Headlock by David, shot off by Jey, but he eats a shoulderblock. Jey almost botches taking an armdrag, then takes a belly-to-belly for two. Jey gets tied in the tree of woe and Tyson tags in and gets whipped into Jey for two. Headlock, then Jey drives Kidd to the corner and Jimmy tags in. Scoopslam and a wristlock. Kidd flips off the ropes and gets an armdrag, but then charges into a back elbow. Jimmy dumps Kidd in a sick bump, drawing some nice heat too. He then charges into a kick from Kidd for two. Hot start.
Kidd gets knocked to the apron, but he fights off the Usos. Kidd then gets caught going for a crossbody off the apron with a cringe-worthy Samoan Drop into the guardrail. Jey tags in and covers Tyson for two. Chinlock follows, but Kidd fights back quickly. Sickening dropkick by Jey gets two. I’m loving the Usos thus far. Tag to Jimmy for some double elbows for two and one. Suplex into a chinlock by Jimmy, and things get a little sloppy with a headlock takeover and a thrust punch. Tag to Jey who gets whipped into Kidd with a bulldozer for two and two. Tag to Jimmy who drops a stiff knee off the top. Damn, yo, these guys are just tearing each other apart. This is shades of the old Bulldogs/Hart Foundation matches.
Headlock by Jimmy, who then fights off a charge by Kidd with a back elbow. To the corner for some stomping and a foot-choke. Jimmy misses a bulldog in what was maybe not the best hot tag tease spot. Natalya gets the tag, so Tamina has to come in. A pair of suplexes and an elbowdrop by Nattie. Michinoku Driver by her gets two. DH dumps himself and Jimmy, then Kidd hits a springboard splash on the outside. In the ring, Samoan Drop to Natalya, but Tamina misses the Superfly Splash. Discus Elbow by Nattie finishes for the Harts.
***1/2 Really enjoyed this. The Usos are still a little rough around the edges but once they shake the green off they’re going to be very impressive indeed. This was fast-paced and never failed to entertain, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing the rematch from Money in the Bank.
Match #7: WWE Championship, Fatal Four Way
(c) John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge vs. Sheamus
Orton gets the biggest face pop of the night. Meanwhile, Edge looks even older hobbling out to the ring. Sunken in eyes, skin hanging off his arms, and a skinny frame. He looks like he has the Big C or something. That or WWE Wellness doesn’t check for meth. Meanwhile, Michael Cole notes that between the four of these guys, there are twenty-five world level championships and a dozen Wrestlemania main events. You know what that makes this match? STALE!!
Damn yo, Edge is going pale too. Bell rings and we get the big stare down. Wouldn’t the smart move be to roll out the ring and chill out for twenty minutes? Head to the back for a smoke and a cup of coffee? Orton quickly dumps Edge while Cena dumps Sheamus, apparently knocking both into a coma and allowing Cena and Orton to have the really big stare down. Orton finally charges but gets loaded for the “AA” says Michael Cole. The Arn Anderson? The Alcoholics Anonymous? The American Airlines? The Ace Attorney video game series? The Associate of Arts degree? The AA battery? The AA type of lava flow? The former Bridge world champion Terje Aa?
Oh, the Attitude Adjuster. Yea, fuck you Michael Cole, we won’t be calling it that here. Either way, Orton wiggles free and Sheamus saves. Edge and Sheamus double up on Cena and shoot him off for a double elbow. Huge “CENA SUCKS” chants as the heels shoot him into the turnbuckle. Finally the counter chanters get going. Sure beats a silent audience, so all Cena haters can choke on a cock. Sheamus clotheslines Cena and celebrates, causing Edge to grab a small package.
Cue the production fuckwits. They determine that watching how Sheamus will react to this is simply not interesting enough and the fans deserve MORE for the $40+ dollars they spent on this. Thus, we cut to a shot in the back of R-Truth, the Harts, and Evan Bourne watching the match on a monitor. We stick on this shot long enough to miss Sheamus’ entire response to what should in theory be a pivotal moment in the flow of the match.
Anyway, so nothing more exciting happens than watching wrestlers watch the match that we paid for (they’re watching a pirated stream too, the cheap bastards). And really, shouldn’t it have cut to a shot of them watching themselves watching a video of them watching themselves on the monitor? I mean, if we’re seeing them on the screen, they should be seeing themselves, right? WRESTLING LOGIC!!
Sheamus takes advantage on Edge and shoots him to the corner. He charges into a boot and Edge hits a flying crossbody for two. Cena saves but gets dumped by Edge. Edge climbs and gets crotched by Orton. Randy goes for a superplex, but Sheamus gets involved and we get set for a tower of doom spot… only it doesn’t happen. Weird. Fans don’t really buzz for it when it’s being prepped either. Instead, Edge hits a crossbody on Sheamus for two. Shoot off and Edge baseball slides Sheamus out of the ring, then gets dumped by Orton to leave him alone. Cena crawls to the apron and gets suplexed back in. Orton brawls him around and Garvin Stomps him.
Orton whiffs on a kneedrop, then Sheamus comes in with an axehandle to Randy. Suplex to Sheamus and he goes for the FU but Sheamus fires the sideslam-backbreaker for two. He loads up for the Celtic Cross but Edge tries to save. He misses a spear and eats post, then Cena rolls up Sheamus for two. Orton in with clotheslines for all. He loads Sheamus up for the rope-DDT. Cena crawls over as if to say “I want one too” in a spot that makes no fucking sense. He eats it as well and Sheamus gets covered for two. Edge in to boot Orton in the face. Edge preps for the Queer Spear. He starts hobbling at Cena and instead eats the protoplex and the five knuckle shuffle. He waits for Edge to stand up for the FU, but Orton hits the wrap-around neckbreaker on him. Brawling and a powerslam to Edge. He coils over for the RKO, but instead of acting like a nut job he lightly bangs his fists on the mat in what might be the unintentional comedy spot of the year.
Sheamus goes for the bicycle kick, which is apparently the “Bro Kick” according to Michael Cole who now seems to subscribe to the Indy Wrestling School of thought where you start naming every single insignificant move. “My fireman’s carry is called the Slam-Bam. My scoop slam is called the Excellent Awesomator. My right punch is called the Brick to the Face Three Gun Naked Salute. My left punch is called the Bobbing my Testicles in the Cool Refreshing Toilet Bowl Water Black Cherry Buster.” And it’s usually twice as funny because they never know how to actually do any of those moves. But by Gawd they’re a wrassler and their moves have names!
Oh yeah, match. Sheamus misses the Swinging Bootie Boston Celtic Spudinator Kick and gets dumped by Cena. John turns to Edge for a second and brawls him, then goes back to Sheamus on the apron. Clever spot sees Orton yank Sheamus off the apron, causing him to hit his chin on the mat while also hanging up Cena in the ropes and sending him flying back. Cena rolls in the ring while Edge hobbles and collapses into Orton in what might have technically been a spear. If I had been watching live and not seen the outcome on the DVD case, I would have bet the farm that this was the finish. Cena goes to drag him closer to the center of the ring, but Sheamus saves, then covers Edge for two. Sheamus brawls Cena on the apron, which feels a bit out of place this late in the match. Short-arm clothesline to Edge for two. Sheamus smacks Orton off the apron, then John, then he calls for the finish on Edge. Fans actually do hate-hoo this, so they’re doing something right with him. He loads up for a powerslam but Edge wiggles free and hits the Edge-o-Matic. Cena goes for the FU on Edge but gets shoved into an RKO instead. Sheamus saves by shoving the referee out of the way.
Sheamus brawls Orton, then Orton fights back. Edge once again hobbles and collapses into Orton. Meanwhile, somewhere in Georgia, Bill Goldberg tries to rip his hair out. It takes him six minutes to remember he doesn’t have any. Sheamus hits the Bob Cousy Spinning Bottom of Foot to Nose Kick on Orton for two. He then smacks Orton around a little more. Sheamus has issues with coming up with good closing spots for matches. They spill to the outside where Orton dumps Sheamus over the table. Orton goes for the RKO on Edge on the floor but gets shoved off and Edge hobbles and falls into him again, this time against the ring apron. Someone get him some roller skates. Maybe then it won’t look so awful.
Meanwhile, we cut to the back where the “WWE Locker Room,” which apparently now is limited to three shorter guys and a token black, looks at the monitor and talks about how bad Edge’s spear looks. BUT WAIT~!! because here’s Nexus to destroy “everyone” and damage the set. They break the LCD monitor they were watching on just to show how evil they are. Cena is watching on the monitor, while Michael Cole goes into a corner to piss himself. Jerry Lawler appoints himself body guard to Cole. Nexus hits the ring, knocking everyone tits up. Cena gets KOed by them, then the fight spills out of the ring so that Edge and Orton can get beat on. Out of nowhere, Sheamus dives into the ring to cover Cena for the pin and the title. Random.
After the match, Nexus continues the assault and everyone takes turns hitting their finishers on Cena. Sheamus is up at the top of the entrance to hold up the title belt, so Nexus splits after him. Orton, Cena, and Edge are dead. Not sure how you can tell the difference with Edge. The show ends with the fans chanting for Daniel Bryan, which likely was enough to save his job.
*** Not a bad match and it did serve to entertain. I actually dig the whole Nexus angle and I felt the ending was satisfying in the sense that it showed Nexus as a force to be reckoned with but also left open a few questions without feeling like a cliff-hanger. That said, Edge was bad enough on his own to drag things down a full star with his feeble offense and inability to do anything believably anymore. His spears were each cringe-worthy and there were three of them, plus a few extra attempts. Edge might still be young, but his body is old and he really, really needs to hang it up.
Cena and Orton were game and had to carry the load here. They did a good job, especially Cena. Randy was no slouch either and although I’m sure his shoulder was aching him, it really didn’t show here. Sheamus has a lot to work on, as he often turns to entry-level brawling moves late in the match as transitional spots when those should be reserved for the opening minutes. He keeps improving though, and in another year or so when he shakes the green off he should be pretty impressive in the ring. But all the flaws present in the World Heavyweight Championship match were present here. There was no real psychology and the pace was all over the place. The problem is the gimmick itself is weak. Four-ways are not known to be breeding grounds for good matches.
BONUS FEATURE: You get to see the Nexus talk about the attack on the three crackers and token rye chip before it happens. Then you see the attack again. Possibly the worst “bonus feature” in recorded history.
BOTTOM LINE: The occasional Fatal Four Way match might be a treat for the fans, but building a whole show around it at a premium price is just plain stupid. There were three here, and all of them were just good enough to not suck. That’s actually a good way to describe this whole show. Nothing outside of Ron Killings was awful, but nothing really hit its stride. I can’t in good conscience give a show where six of the seven matches were good enough to merit a passing grade a thumbs down, so I’m giving it a default thumbs up, without enthusiasm. Fatal 4 Way is the Big Mac of WWE Pay Per Views in 2010. You won’t be disappointed with it, but you won’t remember why you bought it in the first place three hours after taking it in.
Thanks to Chris for editing.
Check out my Audio Commentary for Sting vs. Hogan from Starrcade ’97 at the Wrestling Press.
