Suspension of Disbelief: The ImpactDown Report

Before I get started…

Do not adjust the settings on your computer.

Or your laptop.

Or your tablet.

Or your smart phone.

Or your non-smart but web-enabled phone.

Or your WebTV.

Or your… Uh… Futuristic… Toaster oven!

The shortest running, often interrupted, sporadically posted, action-adventure, professional wrestling, sports entertaining, ribald, so-you-can-sleep column to ever grace the 0s and 1s of Pulse Wrestling has returned.

That’s right, MoFos. Rey Mundo is a lot like the opposite of front.

I’m back.

*pauses for raucous applause*

Since last we met, I’ve been dumped, hired, depressed, shoveling snow, on a plane to Rochester, massaged by an engaged girl, on a plane home from Rochester, and most importantly: Rejuvenated.

It’s been a helluva ride since the last time I posted anything, but I am happy to report that I feel great, I’ve been going to the gym, and I’m optimistic about my 2011. I’d like to thank Mr. Aaron “chili Today” Glazer and Matthew “Hot Tamale” Michaels for keeping a spot open for me here at Pulse. Suspension Saturdays is a bit of a dream come true, and even tho’ I’ve been wildly inconsistent since I was brought on in June, those two believe in my talent (such as it is), and I am deeply appreciative of their faith in me and my typety typing.

So, that being said, we have 859 people writing about Monday Night Raw, and like 4 of us writing about TNA and WWE Smackdown, so I thought I’d gear this column around TNA’s show, and WWE’s red headed, blue-roped stepchild.

The setting has been set.

Let’s rock…

…and roll.

OH!

Also, my BFAM Jay’s wife, Michelle, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on 2/4, so say something nice about my newest nephew, Logan Joseph, in the comment seccion below.

Back to the rocking and rolling and what not.

TNA Impact!

Okay, so I’ve been out of the TNA loop for a bit, but I think I have the gist of what’s been happening.

~ Mr. Anderson has the world title, which doesn’t look at all like one of Randy Orton’s tattoos.

~ Ric Flair did… I don’t know, I haven’t done the research, but something most heinous overseas.

~ Matt Hardy is around being all Matt Hardy-like.

~ The Motor City Machine Guns, maybe the most exciting tag team I’ve ever seen, were threatening a break-up.

~ My beloved, beautiful, bountifully breasted Lacey Von Erich is no longer in TNA, but did some weird soft-core video.

Did I catch all of it? Alrighty then, let’s hit my musings on the February 3rd, 2011 episode of TNA Impact.

Me gusta: Eric Bischoff’s nod to Kevin Nash about “…dyeing his hair, getting his action figure, and taking the money.”

No me gusta: Eric Bischoff’s “Who Cares?” remark about Booker T. A mean shot to take, and one that missed the mark. I knew Booker (WAY TO POST THE F**KING SPOILER IN THE HEADLINE, GUY WHO POSTED THE F**KING SPOILER IN THE HEADLINE!) T was gonna make an appearance in the Royal Rumble, but I completely lost my shit when he came out. Hearing his old music, with a house full of friends, watching the best Royal Rumble I’ve ever seen (#Fact)… It was great. Indeed, sucka, I can dig it.

Me Gusta: The Three Way X-Division match between Jeremy Buck, Jay Lethal, and Doug Williams. Them boys put in some work, and as is the case in 75% of TNA’s matches, some great moves you just don’t see in WWE.

No me gusta: Bully Ray. Dude… *sigh* You’re like, 40. Nothing wrong with being 40. But… The whole weird camo outfit with the cutoff mechanic shirt… I mean, I know my UK Wifey Chantal is the fashion critique, but you look really goofy. Not “Hulk Hogan in JNCOs as part of the nWo Wolfpac” goofy, but still goofy.

Me gusta: Bully Ray spitting in Brother Devon’s children’s faces. Cold blooded. I hope Devon whoops his sk8tr boi ass at the pay-per-view.

No me gusta: The cuss words on TNA. I mean, in the brawls, sure. I understand that. In the ring? During promos? Mmm. I get that they wanna establish that they’re “edgy”, but nobody was sitting at home going, “You know what I wish John Cena would do? Say ‘shit’ on television.” So… why bother?

Me gusta: Eric Young. I know you guys are probably indifferent, but I think he’s hilarious.

No me gusta: All 844 of those Jeff Jarrett/Karen Angle Jarrett check-ins. This storyline is a bit… uncomfortable. Those check-ins were… annoying. They reminded me of the 3rd act of Funny People, when Judd Apatow decided to shoehorn in his annoying wife as Adam Sandler’s love interest and derailed the whole flick. Just cuz YOU’RE nailing her, doesn’t mean the REST OF US want her to invade our entertainment. Respectfully.

Me gusta: Mickie James vs Sarita was solid. So are The TNA Knockouts. Those girls work their asses off, and even if they botch moves, they’re still giving their all, and I wish the wrestling “purists” would be more appreciative of their effort. They’ll cheer a garbage match that’s meant to harken back to the “glory days” of The Attitude Era, but they’ll boo two chicks going out and trying to tell an aggressive story in the ring. *steps off soapbox*

No me gusta: “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero as a heel. Frustrating, because he really had something going with Abyss.

Me gusta: That hot blonde chick in the front row in the grey dress with the twins out. I think such deviant thoughts about her. That leads me to this observation: She’s been at the last few Impacts. That leads me to this question: Is she a plant? Or is she a ring rat? That leads me to this statement: Ring rats are people too.

No me gusta: The fact that TNA never ends their main events with non-fudgery. Just once I’d like to see a clean pinfall end a fargin’ main event!

Me gusta: A.J. Style’s speech after “Them/They” was/were revealed to be Fourtune. Stellar speech, and it felt… different. Coherent. Like, even tho’ they had flown in the face of what was said/done when Immortal first came together, it made sense. Logical sense. It felt, dare I say? Like an actual moment. Of course, TNA does stuff like this all the time and has it go nowheresville, but for now, it felt exciting and new, like the love boat. I hope Fourtune vs Immortal goes well, as the sides are even’ish now.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown!

Smackdown’s been on a heckuva roll lately. Some solid matches, a great reduction in cheesiness, and the introduction of The Corre (Fun Fact: “Corre” means “Run” en espanol) has made the show worthy of the DVR.

Okay, that’s it for the Smackdown preamble. Let’s get to my musings.

Me gusta: Booker T!! I can’t get enough of his theme music. I loved it back in 2002-2003. I love it now. I raise the roof from the time it hits ’til the time it quits. My arms get tired, but it’s worth it. WORTH IT! Plus, I like Booker T the wrestler.

No me gusta: Piped in crowd noise. Hate it. So. Much. Not only does it sound fake, but when you watch the show, you can see people not booing or cheering, despite what the audio is insisting.

Me gusta: Vickie Guerrero. She’s lost weight. Her boobs look magnificent. I’d hit it. I’d hit it good. Do your worst, comment section!

No me gusta: Dolph Ziggler’s backwards shorts. Maybe he likes checking out his own butt? I don’t really know.

Me gusta: My buddies Noel and Dark Joe are at this show, front row, by the far left turnbuckle if you’re looking from the hard camera side. Awesome. Actual text from Noel the nite of the show (they were at the Nassau Coliseum, about a 35 minute drive from me): “Dude, I got some great pictures of Kelly Kelly’s ass.” My friends are el mejor.

No me gusta: The fact that I couldn’t go to this show because of the new job. Bah!

Me gusta: Kelly Kelly. I’d sell my brother (whose birthday it is today, happy 29th Mario!) into Jabba The Hutt slavery for her. He’d understand.

No me gusta: Michael Cole usually, but the three man booth with Booker as analysis, Matthews as play by play, and Cole as color works. But overall, thumbs down to Cole.

Me gusta: Slater & Gabriel and Santino & Kozlov had a good match. Nice win for The Corre boys, and that 450 splash is always impressive.

No me gusta: Kofi Kingston lost. Son of a bitch. I love Kofi. Also, to be markish for a bit, I’d rather have an athletic high flier like Kofi in a match like the Elimination Chamber than a slow plodder like Drew McIntyre.

Me gusta: Those creepy 2/21/11 promos. It’d be cool if the rumors were true and it was Sting. If it’s ‘Taker, I’m okay with that. That being said, ‘Taker vs Sting is not the match I’d want for Sting, not at ‘Mania. He’d lose to The Undertaker and it’d be another belated Eff You from Vince to that 81 week losing streak. I’d rather see an out-of-retirement HBK face Sting. THAT’S the real dream match.

No me gusta: The way Ricardo Rodriguez (no relation) says the “Del Rio” part of Alberto Del Rio’s name. Just irks me. My buddy James calls Del Rio “Alejandro Del Taco”, and it cracks me up every time.

Me gusta: Kofi Kingston rescuing Horns.. er, The F**king Midget. Kofi doesn’t take any sh*t.

No me gusta: Kofi getting beaten by Alejandro Del Taco with a kendo stick. Dammit all.

Me gusta: Booker T being back in WWE has me excited about using the word “Sucka” for the first time since my buddy Dom decided he was going to beat that word into oblivion to impress his City of Heroes friends.

No me gusta: The Chaperone. It doesn’t look as bad as Knucklehead, but it doesn’t look as good as See No Evil. So… yeah.

Me gusta: Wade Barrett getting a spot in the elimination chamber. I like The Corre, and I like that Ezekiel Jackson has targeted The Big Show.

No me gusta: Kelly Kelly getting fired after the awesome and poetic justice’y conclusion to the Edge/Kelly Kelly vs LayCool/Ziggler match. Poor Kelly looks crushed. *sad face*

Me gusta: Vickie Guerrero’s evil, cackling GMness. What a beeyotch. Good Smackdown tho’. All in all, very enjoyable.

Call Reynolds, cuz it’s a wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for me. A nice Saturday morning spent watching Impactdown, the taped shows of the major promotion world. I’d have to give the edge to Smackdown (no pun intended), even tho’ I thought the most eventful happening on either show was the Fourtune turn on Immortal.

This has been Suspension of Disbelief.

Rey Mundo is on the comeback trail at Pulse wrestling, and will be hosting Suspension Saturdays for some time. Also, it’s kind of chilly here at the Castle O’ Rey and my nipples is hard.

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