For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 2/7/11
Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, chamber of eliminating emotion column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your pressed-for-time host Andrew Wheeler, and with only a few minutes until RAW starts, my preamble’s going to be a little short. Like a midget at a urinal, I have to stay on my toes.
See, in order to get this column up as quickly as possible (so that you, the loyal and benevolent reader can have time to read this after the show and then see people on other sites who blatantly steal my jokes), I do everything in real time. I know, I know, hold your amazement. But the downside to this is that if I get held up (like I did tonight) I don’t get the kind of quality time to do the analysis of the wrestling world that I normally would.
Thankfully it was a surprisingly slow week, so this won’t take long. In fact, I’m going to give it a cutesy nickname to show that this was planned all along.
Cheap Pops
-Booker T is now on commentary on Smackdown. People think he’s bad, people want Striker back and people are taking it to the streets (because most wrestling fans liberally quote Michael McDonald to show their displeasure). This is all I have to say: Booker was shaky on the microphone but that’s to be expected since it’s his first show and it’s rough calling a match while trying to contend with Michael Cole and Vince’s voice in your ear. Don’t worry about Booker, he should find his groove. He won’t be great, but he’s motivated to get people over (which JBL was brilliant at doing) and the fans love him, so he’ll get a pass.
-They blew up in TNA’s face, which was to be expected. Everyone’s made all the good jokes about signing their wrestlers to contracts before going forward with storylines, but I would like to point out that, like TNA always does, they stole from the WWE. This was almost as blatant as when Luger showed up on Nitro, making Vince look like a fool. On the plus side, AJ Styles is now a face and he and his merry band of Fortunates will be able to rip Bischoff and Hogan in an attempt to get the fans to root for them. You know, because the Millionaires Club versus the New Blood made billions for WCW.
-Bischoff said that it was smart for Kevin Nash to take the money and go to the WWE. The moral of the story is that smart wrestlers work for Vince and get paid while dumb wrestlers work for TNAwful and get stiffed money on European Tours.
-Justin Bieber appearing at Wrestlemania is absolutely fine, so just calm down. If Kim Kardashian, New Kids on the Block and Sy Sperlok didn’t kill the PPV, Bieber won’t. Best of all, it might actually get some new eyeballs. I’m not saying it’ll get a lot, and I’m not saying they’ll stick around once the show is over, but for one night there’s a small chance of getting a higher buyrate and I say the WWE has nothing to lose. Honestly, who is going to say that they WON’T order the show by his presence? (Cue the one guy who wants to be a smartass in the comment section and say that he won’t be ordering it. Oh, hilarity.)
-Welcome back Suspension of Disbelief. Rey is always one of my favorites, and with other folks on the site being wished the best of luck in their future endeavors (we’ll miss you Raffi), the esteemed Mr. Mundo couldn’t have come back at a better time. Cue the mid-90’s smart mark “Welcome back!†chant…now.
Alright, that’s all the time I’ve got. Remember you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and post in the comment section down below.
The RAW Judicial Review for 2/7/11
“Andre the Giant.â€
We start off with the pulse-pounding excitement that is Nickelback. I say excitement because there’s a small chance the awfulness of this song will cause an embolism to burst.
There’s pyro, ballyhoo and a bunch of happy Wisconsonians…Wisconsonites…people who like cheese. They are in Milwaukee, which the Indians originally called Mil-ay-wal-kay.
And without further ado, here comes Mr. McMahon. Glad to see he finally beat that damn coma. Vince says that there’s one thing that supersedes the Super Bowl…Wrestlemania. I thought for sure he was going to turn that into a sexual innuendo.
Vince said next week we’ll get the special moment at Wrestlemania because of some host next week. It better be The Rock. We’ll find out the guest host next week. Vince says that’ll do it, which brings out Randy Orton. Kudos to the cameraman for cutting to a girl who is WAY too excited to see him.
We get highlights of Randy Orton punting Husky Harris into the world of Jenny Craig. Randy says that if CM Punk thinks they’re even, then he’s clearly on drugs. You know, despite the gimmick. He’s apparently just getting started. And that’s saying something from the guy who almost raped Stephanie McMahon and tried to kill John Cena with pyro.
Punk cuts off Orton’s promo in the very early stages of dramatic pauses. Punk sits Indian style, calls Orton Randal and then says that he agrees with him. Calling him Randal already makes this the best promo ever.
We find out that Punk cost Orton the title because of Unforgiven 2008. This may be the most brilliant thing ever. It’s about damn time they paid this off. Also, how crazy is it to see Punk with hair?
Punk says he hasn’t forgotten the night when Orton cost him his title, and he is a patient man. He waits and waits and waits, but enough about his time in FCW. As long as Orton breathes the air on RAW, he will never be WWE Champion. So his options are death or Smackdown. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
CM Punk says he’s going to eliminate Randy Orton right now, and here come PuNexus. I miss Husky Harris but I really miss his trucker hat.
Orton gets taken down by Mason Ryan and the three of them stomp him into a baby oil spot. Punk starts his promo but Orton tackles him. You really don’t see that happen, so I’ll give them credit for the originality. PuNexus re-restrain him, but apparently Randy busted him open. BLOOD ON A TV-PG SHOW! MY EYES! MY EYES!
Punk and his bloodied nose hits the GTS on Orton. He hovers over Randal as the blood pours out in beautiful high definition, before PuNexus declare their affinity for black power.
Commercial.
That was a really intense opening promo and attack that has positioned Punk/Orton as the feud to beat. It wasn’t treated as a joke and it didn’t turn into the Cena/Nexus thing where now he’s going to hunt them all down in hotel rooms.
We’re back with The Chaperone preview. Again. Hasn’t the world suffered enough?
We now replay the beating of Randy Orton, which still wasn’t as brutal as that Triple H trailer.
Mason Ryan v. Resurrection-Truth
Apparently the GMail went off during the commercial, and I paraphrase “all members of Nexus will face people in the Elimination Chamber.†Your main event is Punk/Cena.
Here comes Resurrection-Truth, constantly asking about events occurring vertically. The fact that he still can’t time his “What’s Ups†is almost as glaring as his inability to time his moves. Truth then signifies his stupidity by saying they’re in Green Bay.
Mason Ryan starts out powering Truth. Truth then botches his move in the turnbuckle. Truth screws up the Lie Detector and looks like he hurt himself. Ryan attacks the injured knee and I’m shocked that Truth has decided the best way to get Mason Ryan over is to look even greener.
Ryan slams Truth’s leg into the rope a few times, which is an inventive spot. He locks in a leg submission where he bends his knee over his neck and Truth taps. So now after the match Ryan tries to break Truth’s leg but the fans are chanting Milwaukee and absolutely destroyed any part of this segment. The ref reversed the decision and Mason looks mildly perturbed.
Well, that thankfully put an end to R-Truth appearing in the Elimination Chamber. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s released because of this. That was a disaster of a segment and it’s bad when MASON RYAN came across as the more professional looking guy. (Though maybe this was all just a giant rib on Christiana Aguilera)
Commercial.
Punk and the PuNexus are in the back and CM Punk is yelling at Mason Ryan for not winning the match. He then swerves us by saying that it was a job well done. Their goal tonight is to hurt people. Something tells me David Otunga won’t have trouble injuring people while he works.
Otunga says he’s nervous about facing Sheamus, but apparently Punk has a plan. He reminds him to have a little faith. What I would give for this to lead to Punk having a midget named Faith.
Gail Kim, Eve Torres & Snukette v. Melina & The Bella Twins
RAW Tonight is brought to you by Just For Men, in case your hair turns white from listening to Natalya on commentary.
Natalya buries Just For Men while mocking Cole, showing that she doesn’t understand the concept of product placement. In the ring, one of the Bellas pounds on Gail Kim before tagging in Melina. Natalya says that she will be facing Eve next week and take it to the next level. By that she means entering the level of negative stars.
Eve gets tagged in and delivers a kick and a standing moonsault, thus exhausting her moveset. Everyone runs in to break up the pin, leaving Melina and Eve. Eve hits a spinning neckbreaker out of nowhere for the pin. Well, I guess she learned a third move. Poor Melina for having to be the one to take that move. If she botched it, she’d have to rock Kurt Angle’s old wheelchair.
Cole buries the thought of Eve/Natalya as we fade to…
The cabin from LOST. As we get closer and closer, we see the door open and there’s a man in a trench coat. He vanishes and we hear “There ain’t no grave that can hold my body down,†ensuring with 100% certainty that it’s Undertaker. Unless they mean someone being figuratively buried, in which case this might be the return of Paul London.
Commercial.
We get a shot outside of some town in Wisconsin. We’re not sure which one, but it’s cold out there.
This leads to a still photo of Aaron Rodgers posing with the World Heavyweight Title.
Michael “Casual Male†Cole and Jerry “Ed Hardy†Lawler are on camera hyping the Elimination Chamber. This busts out the always great Road to Wrestlemania promo. In case you didn’t know, the Elimination Chamber was made by Satan himself, which is fitting since the idea was introduced by Eric Bischoff.
John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Slightly Perfect
John gets a full-on entrance, which takes so long that it earns it’s own…
Commercial.
We’re back and Slightly Perfect is already in the ring. Morrison starts off clobbering SP. SP comes back with a shot to the back of the head and delivers some stomps. Not sure why he looks so motivated but I can get behind it. Lawler tries to get over the fact that Morrison is like David Copperfield, which I fear may be an outdated reference. That makes me sad…and old.
SP rams Morrison into the steel post. He jams John’s hand between the steel steps and tries to dropkick it, but Morrison moves. John fires back now with punches and some clotheslines before finishing it off with a spinning heel kick.
John rams SP into the turnbuckle and hits the Flash Kick. Morrison hits Starship Pain for the pin. Well that was quick and decisive, like sex on prom night.
As Morrison celebrates at the top of the ramp, Punk sprays John with a can. Maybe it was Arrogance by Rick Martel. Or maybe it was just an aerosol can. Either way, that’s not gonna help prevent global warming. Some day our children will look back with anger when they realize we demolished our ozone layer to get over an angle. Eh, screw ‘em.
Commercial.
We relive Lawler winning the battle royal, which leads to…
Awesome, here comes The Miz. He’s accompanied by The Mizfit, who is owning that suit. Literally, he had to buy it. You can’t return a suit covered in barf and self-loathing.
The Miz is in the ring and he talks about his thoughts while watching the Rumble, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!†The Miz was pulling for him, which is not at all a masturbatory reference. I hope.
Lawler gets invited into the ring. Miz dismisses The Mizfit and then gives Jerry a warm welcome. Lawler’s old as hell. Not for this earth, just for this feud.
Jerry says that Miz was rooting for him because he’s an easy win. Miz says they were all easy wins because he’s the WWE Champion. He was rooting for Lawler because they are mirror images. To be fair, he says they are mere images. It’s barely a .1 R-Truth.
Miz says that Lawler had a big mouth before dropping the name of my hero Andy Kaufman. The Miz says he patterned his career after Jerry, and now he’s a modern day Jerry Lawler.
Jerry says that he’d hate to look in the mirror and see a haircut like The Miz’s. I’m sure The Miz would hate to wake up with the gig marks on his forehead like Jerry’s. Jerry says he’s an original.
Miz says he’s an original cheap-shot artist. We get to relive the awesomely stiff looking punch Lawler connected with on Teddy DiBiase. Classic Sheen. He cold-cocked him.
Lawler calls Miz a sucker, which is a great insult if it were still the 50’s. Next thing you know he’s gonna call him a square. The fans tell Miz that he sucks as Jerry calls Miz a poop mouth. Please, for the love of all things holy, just let the man say shit. I’ll settle for crap. Anything but poop.
Jerry rehashes his dream of wrestling at Mania. He hasn’t wanted anything this bad since his charges were dropped. Lawler says that once he wins the title, he’s gonna say he’s going to Wrestlemania.
The Miz says that Jerry’s wrong, but sadly he doesn’t say it like Marissa Tomei in “My Cousin Vinnie.†Miz tries to do his catchphrase, but Lawler cuts it off and leads an “awful†chant. What I would give for SOMEONE to chant waffle.
Lawler lays out The Miz and Mizfit, delivering those tiny fists of fury. Teddy DiBiase runs out now to make the save. Yes, the WWE Champion needed to be saved by DiBiase.
Daniel Bryan runs out to make the save and he takes out Teddy. This prompts the GMail to go off, because if Bryan’s getting over, they have to put a stop to that immediately.
Jerry Lawler & Daniel Bryan v. The Miz & Teddy DiBiase
Bryan and DiBiase start out in the ring, with Teddy hammering away on Daniel. They run the ropes and Daniel connects with some kicks. Mizfit’s on commentary and calls him Bryan Danielson, which makes me think something’s in the water.
Bryan connects with a corner dropkick on Teddy for two and then tags in Jerry. Lawler and Bryan double-team DiBiase with a clothesline, but Teddy breaks free and tags in Miz. Jerry slams Miz three separate times, and Miz brings back the BEGGING HEEL. Are they in Milwaukee or Memphis?
Commercial.
We’re back and The Miz has a resthold on Lawler. Jerry breaks free and tags in Bryan, who busts out the backflip in the corner spot and hits a clothesline. Bryan goes to the top rope but gets crotched by Teddy.
The Miz connects with the leaping turnbuckle clothesline for two. Teddy gets tagged in, only for Bryan to connect with punches. Teddy reverses it into a backbreaker for two. Teddy tags in The Miz, who gets brought down by a clothesline.
We get the slow crawl for the hot tags and in come Lawler and Teddy. Jerry hits some clotheslines and a DDT for two. Bryan comes off the top rope to take out Miz. He hits a suicide dive on the outside, leaving Jerry and Teddy alone. DiBiase charges the corner and hits the turnbuckle, allowing Jerry to lower the strap and hit the flying second-rope fist for the pin. Yes, the pin. Whose mother did Teddy fuck and not call back?
Commercial.
It’s black history month. “Damn.â€
Lawler is back on commentary. Poor Josh Matthews.
Sheamus of the Hill People v. David Otunga
As he walks down to the ring, Josh Matthews interrupts him to ask his thoughts about what Mark Henry said in between labored breaths. Apparently Henry mocked the fact that Sheamus is going to lose, so Sheamus called him a joke. He said if it was a cake eating contest, Henry would have a shot. He said Mark wouldn’t even fit into one of those pods.
Wait…you don’t think it was Punk who planted that story, do you? Nah.
Otunga comes out next in his N hoodie. He gets interrupted by Mark Hey-Hey Henry, who heard something about cake and decided to head to the ring. Sheamus charges Henry and it’s on. Welcome to the feud no one wanted to see.
Henry whips Sheamus into the corner but Sheamus fires back with a double-fist. Otunga tries to climb into the ring so Sheamus swats him off. Sheamus goes for the Bicycle Kick but Henry catches him with the World’s Strong-Saddest Slam. He hits a second World’s Strong-Saddest Slam.
PuNexus looks on in the back pleased as Otunga poses over Sheamus, thus completing the best match of his career.
And now, here comes Alberto Del Rio in an expensive rental car. I can’t wait until someday the company gets sick of him and he doesn’t get any kind of special entrance. Just ask MVP.
Commercial.
We’re back and Alberto Del Rio reminds us of who he is. He says that Santino thought that he almost won the Rumble, but he didn’t know that density bought him there.
Alberto Del Rio v. Santino Marella
Santino jumps Del Rio and then throws him over the top rope. Then, to ensure we don’t take him seriously at all, he does the trumpet spot. The fans actually chant for him. People love him. But to be fair, people also love blood sausage.
Del Rio slides into the ring and attacks Marella, but he goes sailing through the ropes to the outside. Santino throws him back in but gets caught with a kick. Del Rio tosses Marella into the ring post and connects with a belly-to-back for two.
Alberto works the arm for a bit. He charges Santino in the corner but Marella misses and unleashes the Five Moves of Wackiness. He tries the Cobra but Del Rio dodges and connects with the knee-first arm breaker. Alberto locks in the Cross-Arm-Breaker for the submission.
We relive the opening PuNexus beatdown on Orton before Punk takes out the rest of the Elimination Chamber participants.
John Cena is walking in the back, towards a…
Commercial.
Did you know Smackdown is the #1 SyFi show? Did you know RAW isn’t in Green Bay? R-Truth didn’t.
On Smackdown this Friday, Edge will face Dolph Ziggler with Vickie as the referee. Speaking of Vickie, she’s there with Dolph Ziggler. Nice to see him wearing a suit.
Vickie says that Dolph will beat Edge, which brings out John Cena. Cena says that this is worse than Christina’s “National Anthemâ€. Cena comes out to apologize for R-Truth. After the Packers won the Super Bowl, he celebrated a little too much. John points out that they are in fact in Milwaukee. He sucks up to them to compensate for their being burned by a midcarder, because the kids love a good “Laverne and Shirley†reference.
John reminds Vickie that the last time they were in a ring they made out. Vickie demands respect or she’ll leave. Clearly she’s never watched a wrestling program before, which is sad since her late husband used to appear on these programs frequently.
Cena leads a “Go Pack Go†chant, which I guess means Vickie is a pachyderm. John points out that PuNexus took out everyone in the Elimination Chamber, so he’s all that remains. But he’s still there. He’s still standing, because he lives his life like a candle in the wind. He says he’s going to kick all of their elimination chambers, which is a nice substitute for “assâ€. Because when it comes to the name of your next PPV, you want it synonymous with “assâ€.
Commercial.
We’re back and it’s more LOST cabin time. The door opens up and it’s Jack’s father.
John Cena v. CM Punk
Punk’s still rocking the blood-stained arm bands, making this a TV-14 Clobberin’ Time.
Cena keeps looking for PuNexus, but they get a clean lockup into the corner. Punk pokes him in the eye and hammers away with punches and elbows. Punk whips John into the turnbuckle but Cena comes back with a clothesline.
Punk stomps away on Cena before flinging him into the turnbuckle to drop elbows. He charges for a high knee but John moves out of the way. John starts up the Five Moves of Mediocrity but Punk breaks it up with a kick. John gets dumped to the outside as Punk measures for and connects with a leaping clothesline.
Cena gets flung into the ring and is nailed by a high knee to the face, followed up with a bulldog. Punk goes for the GTS but Cena comes back with punches to the kidneys. Great, now he’s gonna piss blood. That’s not gonna help the TV-PG rating.
John connects with a low blow to get himself disqualified as he waives out PuNexus. Slightly Perfect and Otunga head into the ring as Mason Ryan attends to Cena. Lawler hands John a chair so he starts swinging like rebellious German youths in the 1940’s.
Cena is alone in the ring with a chair as Punk cries over the nutrageous attack. Leave it to Vince to literally do to Punk what he figuratively did to TNA.
This has been for your consideration.
