Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.
Julian Assange has certainly earned the wrath of many, and the admiration of quite a few, en route to becoming one of the more intriguing figures of the last 12 months. Good or bad Assange has done a lot to raise the public conscious about a lot of things. And apparently there’s a film or two being put together about him and his “life.”
Yeah, I can’t resist this sucker.
We all know what’s going to happen: some director like Doug Liman making him out to be some sort of cross between Jesus and Fergie, doing what’s right in a world conspiring to kill him at every turn. He’s going to be ducking assassin’s bullets while seducing every woman he sees while twisted, evil government types try to bring him down. Throw in a sidekick and Assange’s “secret” passion for helping the homeless and this will be so sweet that at least 20 people will fall into diabetic comas 30 minutes into the film. It seems a bit over the top but Hollywood lost my trust years ago when it comes to making films about current politics. Hollywood has burned its audiences all too often; Fair Game comes to mind just last year alone.
It’s like a married guy who loves having sex with other women promising he won’t cheat on his wife after getting caught for like the 20th time. Both sides know that isn’t going to happen, and that he’s probably going to be balls deep in some Hooters waitress within the month, but the illusion of fidelity is just enough to keep it together. The wife isn’t all that shocked when he’s breaking his vows again; she’d be more surprised if the “bowling league” he was in actually turns out to be a bowling league instead of a veiled euphemism for banging chicks who aren’t his wife.
In this way we look at Hollywood when it comes to political cinema. You think “it looks kind of balanced” when the trailer comes out and then get smacked upside the head with whatever ultra-liberal talking point the issue is about once you plunk down the cash. Plus you get the added fun of hearing whatever imbecile saying “it’s just a film, just think of it as entertainment” afterwards a well.
And it’s not like this film will exist in a bubble and go away quietly: it’ll be raved on by the critics, if only because of its politics as opposed to its quality (like any political film since Primary Colors), and probably either earn Neil Patrick Harris an Oscar (dude was born to play the part) or give Paul Bettany a ticket out of the awful action films he’s making as of late. But frankly that kind of talk is becoming rather boring to speculate upon. Why?
Because there’s so much more stupidity to be mined out of a Wikileaks film than the lackluster prestige picture that loses money that everyone knows is coming, that’s why.
I’d like to think that in the world of cinema that we inhabit that perhaps some risky cinema is better than the sort of prestige picture with massive political overtones that the Wikileaks film is going to become. So, in the vein of every mediocre Monday Morning Critic column, I present my ideas on how to make this a much more interesting film than the craptastic ode to Julian Assange this film is going to end up being. Thus, I’ve decided to bring together five different ideas (with directors) as to how this film would be way more fun than how it’ll end up becoming. Call it:
5. Spike Lee’s Wikileaks – In rural Alabama in the 1960s, Julian Assange (Denzel Washington) has to deal with the scourge of his time: Racism … and Italians.
4. Michael Bay’s Wikileaks – It stars Shia Labeouf as Assange and there’s $200 million in explosions, something from the ‘80s gets ruined forever and no one knows what the hell happened immediately after viewing it.
3. Todd Phillips’ Wikileaks – Jim Jones (Robert Downey Jr.) has to get home in 24 hours before his wife goes into labor. But he has no money and no wallet. Enter Julian Assange (Zach Galifianakis), an idiot with a rental car.
2. James Cameron’s Wikileaks – Julian Assange isn’t involved, but Smurfs having sex are. Go figure.
1. Tyler Perry’s Wikileaks – Julian Assange (Rick Fox) has a dilemma. He’s in possession of certain documents that could undermine several governments, but his sense of morality demands that the damage done would outweigh the documents’ need to be heard. Enter Madea (Tyler Perry) and some good Christian morals to save the day!
A Movie A Week – The Challenge
This Week’s DVD – The Deer Hunter
Michael Cimino is viewed as a cautionary tale as to what can happen when you let a director coming off a career peak have unfettered control of a lot of money for a film. While his legacy may have been of being the man credited with taking down United Artists, he did make two fairly noteworthy films. Thunderbolt & Lightfoot is a nifty little crime film with Jeff Bridges and Clint Eastwood that garnered the former an Oscar nomination and the latter enough good will that it could’ve been argued for.
The other is a bit more important as it’s The Deer Hunter, one of the better films of the better decades in cinema. It should have been the start of Michael Cimono becoming the next great director in Hollywood, as the results of this film garnered him a deal from United Artists them to establish his career in the same way that Warner Bros. crafted films with Eastwood over the past couple decades. While Heaven’s Gate would ruin all that, taking down United Artists in a final coup de grace that years of mismanagement was leading up to (and Heaven’s Gate was counted on preventing), The Deer Hunter does have a legacy of greatness that can’t be denied.
It is also the reason why Christopher Walken has to be referred to as “Academy Award Winner Christopher Walken” as opposed to “The guy who’ll do any film if you pay him enough” or “the guy from that music video where he’s dancing.” And it’s not Christopher Walken doing his usual exaggerated acting style and scenery chewing, either, which is kind of nice.
The Deer Hunter focuses on two friends: Michael (Robert De Niro) and Nick (Walken). They’re about to head over to Vietnam and the film follows them in three phases. Before the war (when they’re working in a steel mill), in the front lines on Vietnam and then finally after they’ve come back. Michael and Nick handle the war differently afterwards, culminating in one of the toughest to watch movie deaths of all time.
Michael Cimino may have subsequently destroyed his career with an over-indulgent film, but for a short while he crafted an epic masterpiece. From the cinematography to his ability to bring out the best in an insanely talented cast, you can successfully argue this as the best film of the decade. Cimino does so much so well that seeing his career implode like it did must’ve been the biggest disappointment possible. This is the work of a master of cinema, something that should be aspired to as opposed to a warning over the dangers of success.
Strongest recommendation.
What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club
The Eagle – Channing Tatum is a Roman officer who has to retrieve the standard bearer of the Ninth Legion, which disappeared.
See It – Worst case scenario you get some ancient Roman violence. Can’t argue against that, though my guess is that Centurion with Michael Fassbender will have been the better film about the legendary Ninth Legion in the past couple years.
Gnomeo & Juliet – Romeo & Juliet …. But with garden gnomes … that’s right.
Skip It – If there’s a reason to not believe in God, this film’s existence is a good start
Just Go With It – Adam Sandler picks up women by pretending to be married because he’s a womanizer. Then he meets Brooklyn Decker, so one lie spirals into a fake marriage with Jennifer Aniston.
See It – It’s got a brilliant setup … it’s in the execution where this’ll potentially go awry. It is an Adam Sandler flick, too, so it probably will. But the setup will probably be good enough to warrant a viewing, and it has Brooklyn Decker in a bikini.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – A documentary about Justin Bieber’s decades long … long path to …. Fudge it. I can’t do it.
Skip It – Here’s this film’s plot in a nut shell: this kid is the greatest, nicest, most talented human being who has ever lived. The end. You’re not going to get any sort of insight, just a glorified puff piece to sell the image. It just might be the first 3D EPK.
Cedar Rapids – Ed Helms lives in small town Iowa. He’s going to Cedar Rapids, the “big city,” to save his company. In limited release.
See It – It has been getting decent buzz so far and it has a decent cast.
Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.
Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings his trademarked irreverence and offensive hilarity to Twitter in 140 characters or less. Follow him @MMCritic_Kubryk.
