TONIGHT!!! Ric Flair returns to TNA Impact even amongst rumors of his 4-episode stint on “‘Till Debt Do Us Part”. Also, the once-again TNA World Champion Jeff Hardy will defend his title after someone probably reminded Dixie that he was going to prison. Speaking of Hardy’s, a reminder to Dixie Carter that whatever tonight’s TNA Impact rating is will be courtesy of “Cold Blood” and absolutely nothing else. FACT! Just sayin’.
Jeremy Spoke In…..: Mike â€“ I was thinking the same thing this was very similar to Scott Keithâ€™s work. I usually hate Blairâ€™s recaps because he adds to much opinion and not enough recap but this was the best work he has ever done. Congrats Blair I may have to keep reading your work afterall!
Blair: Permit me to translate the above comment. You hate all my recaps, butÂ IÂ somehow managed to get you toÂ NOT hate my last recap, and if I keep working hard, I might be able to continue to get you to not hate them?
I don’t want you to take theÂ above response personally.Â I genuinely DO appreciate the suggestion that my work is anywhere close to Scott Keith’s. But let me assure anyone and everyone that I literally changed NOTHING with how I do my recaps when I did that PPV. The only thing that changed was the type ofÂ show. It wasÂ a PPV. With matches. I called the matches, same as I do on Impact. The difference was, the majority of the PPV matches were not clusterfucks, were longer than 30 seconds,Â or did not suck. Conversely,Â the majority of Impact matches are either clusterfucks, less than 30 seconds long,Â or suck… aside from the odd one.
I’m always going to give my opinion of what I see, and I’m certainly not going to change my style for a percentage of my readers. If you’re not into my recaps, you can always hit up the TNA website for an Impact recap or read spoilers or something, no hard feelings. But let me assure you of something else as well – you’re not MISSING anything on Impact just because I spend time giving you my opinion.Â There’s literally nothing to miss. If the matches seem short, it’s because they are, or there’s a lot of stalling. People who watch Impact know exactly what I’m talking about, they rush through matches like no one’s business. And,Â TNA’s segmentsÂ areÂ like 98% filler. They could so easily say what they want to say but they always have to drag it out. And that’s not a unique offense to TNA.Â
So I’llÂ just give you the gist ofÂ a segmentÂ and mention anything important, humorous or downright stupid.Â No, I don’t feel the need to type every word out of Matt Morgan’s mouth. I could type 500 WPM and not keep up with Flair. And do you really WANT to hear the drug-addled acid-laced poetry coming out of the mouth of that painted-up-crack monkey that has the TNA World Title? I hope not. Besides, it seems as though my opinions and comments on what I’m seeing are appreciated by most – whether they agree with them or not – so I’m going to keep going with that.
I really want to thank you and everyone else for reading and for the kind words, though. Actually, I have fun with any kind of comment. So thanks to everyone.Â I’m having a lot of fun with this.
So on Monday, I heard they had something big planned for RAW. So I actually watched a full RAW episode, something that NEVER happens. Okay, so I didn’t WATCH it watch it. I had it on in the background while I was doing other stuff. But I DID catch and was pleasantly surprised by Bryan and Miz, and by Punk and Cena. Both matches were better than they had any right to be. Sure, we knew who put the work in for both matches, but still.Â Shaemus and Orton should be used as a sleep aid for incureable insomniacs, but even thatÂ MIGHT have been worth it (especially if I didn’t technically “watch” that match or the rest of RAW aside from the two matches) to get to The Rock.
I was streaming the show in a chat room withÂ a fewÂ of my old writer buddies. Each one of us marked out pretty hard for that. There were a lot of things that I don’t get, like why he would say that he’s never leaving again when such a statement is so obviously bullshit, or why he would bury Cena as hard as he did if they were NOT going to have a match and Rock is “hosting”. But, as cynical as I am, even knowing that at the time didn’t take away from any of my enjoyment of it. There have been VERY few special moments in WWE over the past few years aside from Shawn Michaels’ retirement andÂ matches with Undertaker, and Ric Flair’s “retirement” (although that seems signifigantly less special now) but this was extremely well done. And I’mÂ a guy who hasn’t reallyÂ enjoyed WWEÂ for years. Seriously, some day I’ll recap a WWE event for you guys if it’s evenÂ possible to stay awake that long and you’ll see what I’m talking about. But Monday’s show was definitely an exception.
So I was going to cover my thoughts on the TNAÂ PPV, then I realized I already did that… at length. I’ve heard a lot of stuff went into tonight’s show, but as always, have managed to remain spoiler-free. Although remaining spoiler-free is usually a waste of time, I remain vigilant.
“The Boy Is Back In Town”
Part of nWo Immortal comes down. It’s Bischoff, Cold Blue, the two security guys, and Rob Terry -Â wow, look at this dream team right here. Bischoff then brings out Jeff Hardy. Jeff feels himself up while undoing his shirt and singing his own song. I guess extascy is his drug of choice tonight. Bischoff says that you can take the Fortune out of Immortal, but you cannot take the greatness out of the Anti-Christ. Uh… okay. Bischoff says that Immortal is exactly where they need to be. We go to a split-screen of Flair in the back checking his air in a limo window. Bischoff congratulates Matt Hardy, Gunner, Murphy and Rob Terry for going head to head with their opponents on Sunday. (… they lost.) Bischoff says they have to do the same thing tonight. What, lose? I think he’s confused. Or he didn’t watch the PPV.
Bischoff says that he knows that Hardy was supposed to have a couple of weeks off, but he got a phone call from SpikeTV saying that Jeff Hardy is ratings, so Jeff Hardy is defending his title against Rob Van Dam tonight. The Hardy Boyz look worried. Bischoff says he is going to talk to the network, but that he knows that Hardy can get the job done. He says that Jeff Jarrett is planning for his vow-renewing ceremony and that Hulk Hogan will be back soon. Then he tells us that he has been trying to get a hold of Ric Flair for weeks. Bischoff says that he went to bat for Flair when Hogan didn’t want to bring him into Immortal, but now Bischoff is starting to question him. He says he is going to give Flair until next week to come out and explain himself…
… and Flair’s music hits. He comes down and gets the redhead to hold the ropes for him and hand him the mic. He gives a fist pump to everyone in the ring. Flair says that the last time someone gave him an opportunity, his third ex-wife told him that he had to grow up or get out of here and Flair told HER to get out. Class. Flair says that everyone in the ring grew up watching him, and no one tells him what to do. Flair says that he and the Hardy’s are tight and that he and Bischoff were getting tight and that after 25 years of hating each other’s guts, he and Hogan were finally getting along. Flair says that he is a wrestling God. Flair says that people in Europe call him God. Now people start chanting “God”.
Flair says that he will see Immortal later. Nothing resolved. Then Flair tells several girls at ringside to meet him at the hotel later. Those girls are in the for Yah-tzee game of their lives!
Via satellite from Orlando Florida… wait… Orlando is where Impact takes place… they needed a SATELLITE for that? Anyway, we are watching Jeff Jarrett and Karen get massauges on a beach. Jeff Jarrett is talking about his tux and Karen is saying how sexy he is going to look. Jeff wonders if Kurt Angle will be in a tux. Jeff Jarrett and Karen say that Kurt should be happy for them, because Jeff Jarrett is a role model. They talk about him being a role model for like 2 minutes. Then Jeff Jarrett says they are about to have a romantic evening. Karen says she wants “Round 2” and Jarrett asks why she is only counting since lunch. Wow. If it wasn’t for the fact that the kids weren’t there, this segment may have been the worst yet.Â I wonder how many of theseÂ we are getting tonight. I’m guessing at least 3. Commercial. Hulk Hogan wants us to use Rent-A-Center.
Backstage, Matt Hardy and AJ Styles are brawling. Fortune and Immortal shows up and the brawl goes nuts. Steiner comes in to even the numbers. Security is here to try to break it up. They fail.
Backstage, Hernandez is walking, and she is meeted by Sarita and Rosita. They talk spanish and Hernandez grabs them and walks away.Â I didn’t know that allÂ spanish people are friends.
Douglas Williams .vs. Hernandez (w/ Sarita & Rosita)
Hernandez busts up Williams from behind, then tosses him into the ring. Sarita and Rosita are really into this. Hernandez chokes out Williams with a towel while Sarita tells us how much Velvet Sky sucks. Hernandez chokes out Williams on the ropes and Velvet Sky has come down to the ring to start brawling with Sarita. Rosita helps Sarita kick Velvet’s ass until Angelina Love comes out to even the numbers. All these chicks are tearing each other apart at ringside in the middle of the match. Everyone has completely forgotten about the match, including the announcers and cameramen. This is so fucked. Didn’t someone say that Rosita was supposed to be good? I wonder ifÂ he watched this, maybeÂ he can explain why she apparently can’t even punch properly.
The cameramen remember that there’s a match going on, so we go back to that just in time forÂ Hernandez toÂ give Williams the Border Toss. Pin.
See, this is what I’m talking about. This kind of thing is where I assume people think they’re missing something because I’m giving my opinion.Â But IÂ skipped overÂ nothing, NOTHING at all while recapping that. It could have actually been a match without having girls brawl in the middle of it for no reason at all. And Hernandez .vs. Williams is actually a match that probably WOULD be quite good.Â I guess we’ll never know now though.Â But what I’ve written is exactly what happened.
Backstage, Bischoff is on the phone talking to someone from the network. He sucks up to her, and says that he wants her to pull the match. This doesn’t work because apparently Hardy = ratings. Which is true. Just ask Matt Hardy. Commercial.
The Pope is in the ring talking about how he is pimptacular. The ring is set up all beach-like. There is a dead roasted pig on the table and tribal masks on the turnbuckle. Pope is yelling a lot. He says the pig is a Sloppy Joe. Pope is celebrating his win against Samoa Joe last Sunday. Except he didn’t win. What the fuck??? Now Pope is talking about Jesus performing miracles, and he says that tonight he is going to perform a miracle and feed everyone in the ImpactÂ Zone.Â He says Ronald Raegan and Michael Jackson believe in him. I have no idea what he is talking about. Then Jesus textsÂ Pope and said he believes in Pope too. Now he says everyone has to pay him 10 dollars?Â For what?Â What the fuck is this bullshit supposed to be???
Samoa Joe comes out. Oddjob is on the apron on the other side of the ring to kick Pope when Pope tries to leave the ring. Oddjob kicks him and Joe hits the ring and kills Pope with a bunch of strikes. Joe gives Pope a Muscle BUster through the pig and the table. There’s pig innards all over Pope and he is convulsing. Joe puts an apple in his mouth. Oddjob comes into the ring and poses with Joe. Commercial.
Robbie E is in the ring talking about losing at the PPV. He says that when you live by GTW, that throws off your preperation. But tonight, he’s got Cookie and he’s got a game plan. Cookie says her catchphrase. Backstage, Kaz is making out with a chick. He comes out.Â Tenay says that the girl Kaz was making out with is retired TNA wrestler Traci. He has the mic and says he is bringing the focus of TNA back to the X-Division. He says that the X-Division was the foundation of TNA but not as much foundation as what’s on Cookie’s face. Kaz says that if Robbie wants to be in the X-Division, he needs to send Cookie to the back.
TNA X-Division Championship Match
Kazarian .vs. Robbie E (w/ Cookie)
Robbie gets the upper-hand on Kaz, getting the jump on him. He punches him down, gives him a slam and a shoulderblock for a 1-count. Robbie gets a big boot but the ref sees his foot on the rope. Kaz battles back and catches a foot by Robbie, and gives him a springboard back elbow. Robbie tries to counter with a suplex but eats a spin kick by Kaz. Robbie is down, Kaz prepares to give him the reverse tombstone but Cookie comes in and hits him with… something… and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner By Disqualification And Still TNA X-Division Champion: Kaz
See? See? They’re really making my point tonight. That match was like 3 minutes long. Robbie and Cookie beat Kaz down. Traci Brooks comes down and pulls Cookie off Kaz. These chicks are brawling as well.
Flair is walking into the Fortune locker room. He said he left them alone for 2 weeks and they’re taking TNA down. He says he hopes AJ kicks Hardy’s ass.Â They all joke around, and Flair hugs AJ. Flair then says that they have Hogan and Bischoff calling him and yelling at him. Flair brought them presents – alcohol. They start a “chug” chant and they all chug their Mike’s Hard. Is that really the sportsman’s drink of choice?!?! James Storm grabs a second one and chugs that as well.Â Commercial. Hulk Hogan says Rent-A-Center MAKES SENSE. Well there’s a ringing endoresment.
AJ Styles .vs. Cold Blood
This is what I’m talking about. Here comes the reason we are all here, folks. Matt Hardy. Cold Blood. Mattitude. Version 1.0. He Will Not Die. EVERYONE tunes into Impact to see what my man Matt Hardy is up to. Dude is famous! Like from that time he… uh… that time that… he… jumped off that ladder! No wait, that was Jeff. But Matt was standing there when he jumped off the ladder! And, Swayze reminded me aboutÂ that time that WWE fired him because Edge fucked his girlfriend but both WWE and his girlfriend liked Edge better until the fat emo girls on Matt’s website started sending bomb threats to WWE HQ to get him hired back so that WWE could job him out to Edge, his girlfriend, Kane, MVP, and everyone else they put in front of him for the next 5 years while Matt decided he was going to get fat! But not just that!!! There was also that time he… uh… well, it’s just that. But still. COLD BLOOD!!!
Matt Hardy’s entrance video looks like what Neo got shown in The Architecht’s room in The Matrix. AJ rushes the ring and he and Hardy start brawling. People are chanting for AJ. AJ tosses Hardy out of the ring and yells at him, before giving him a huge flip dive out of the ring, which lands perfectly. AJ tosses Hardy into the ring, and before he can get in Hardy jumps him and brings him into the ring. Hardy hits a Side Effect. 2 count. Hardy keeps kicking and punching AJ. Flair comes down to ringside.
Wierd chinlock / sleeper by Hardy. Flair is cheering for AJ. Crowd is chanting AJ. AJ powers up with shots to the midsection but Hardy rakes the eyes. AJ with a backsweep and he is all over Hardy. Clothesline and back elbow by AJ. AJ goes for the Styles Clash but Hardy makes it out and hits the ropes only to eat a Pele by AJ, who high-fives Flair. AJ goes up top but Flair makes him fall. Hardy with a Twist Of Hate. Pin.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Okay, so that wasn’t a bad match or anything. But it was still insanely short. Less than 5 minutes, for sure. Still think I’m leaving stuff out? Flair and Matt Hardy beat down AJ, until Fortune comes out to save him. Flair and Hardy bail. Matt Hardy is trying to look evil for the camera. I’d say that you should look for Matt Hardy to be making videos a lot like “Last Call With Scott Hall” on a YouTube screen near you sometime in the future. But he kinda already did that with the grapes nonsense.
Mr. Anderson is walking backstage, saying that someone is about to get his ass kicked. Possibly Eric Bischoff. Commercial.
VIA “satellite” from Orlando Florida again, Karen and Jarrett are making out in a pool and Karen is telling Jeff how ready she is to have sex with him. I’mÂ not making that up. They’re repeating the words “wedding” “dreams” and “sexy” a lot. Karen is feeling Jeff up. Jarrett / Karen segment 2 for the night.
Mr. Anderson comes to the ring and calls out Bischoff. He complains that Rob Van Dam is getting the title match against Hardy tonight. He said he was supposed to be first in line. Bischoff says that it was the network who wanted the match, and Anderson asks when does the network decide what is going on around here? Good point. Bischoff says that this is the television business, and explains the concept of ratings to Anderson. Anderson says that him in the ring equals ratings. That’s why Vince got rid of him, because he couldn’t handle all the ratings that Anderson brought in. Bischoff says that Anderson is not hitting the demographics of what the network is looking for with all his swearing and hand gestures. What hand gestures is he referring to? Anderson responds to this by yelling ASSHOLE like 25 times. The crowd chants “we won’t stop”. Idiots.
Bischoff says that he can’t give Anderson a match, but he can make him the special ref for the Title Match. Didn’t they do something exactly like this about 2 months ago? Bischoff says that Anderson needs to call the match right down the middle. They censor something that a fan yells. Anderson agrees and goes for a handshake. He gives Bischoff a Mic Check and yells at Bischoff about the network.
Velvet and Winter are talking in the back. Velvet wants Winter to stay away from ringside and tells Winter thatÂ if she gets involvedÂ it will be the last thing that she does. As she talks, Velvet turns her back on her… and Warrior grabs a pair of scissors and stares at them. I swear to God I’m not making that up. They’re actually showingÂ Winter actually considering stabbing Velvet.Â Wow. Angelina comes in and tells Winter to listen to Velvet. They talk over each other for a while. Then Velvet leaves. Then Angelina asks Warrior why Warrior is obsessed with her. Warrior says all will be revlealed and walks off. Commercial.
AJ is yelling at the camera. He is upset about Ric Flair. AJ says he has been in TNA for 9 years, and that Flair should come get some. AJ challenges Flair for next week.
The Beautiful People .vs. Sarita & Rosita
I’m actually looking forward to this so I can see Rosita wrestle. Both teams’ entrances take longer than Hernandez and Williams… a match which actually featured both of these “teams”. They all brawl on the outside, until they get inside the ring and it’s Velvet and Sarita to start. Velvet with shoulderblocks, and a clothesline. Then she slams Sarita’s head into the mat. Elbow back to Velvet, and Rosita tags in. Rosita gets her ass kicked, until Velvet tags Angelina who gives Sarita a TERRIBLE dropkick. Sarita comes in and then leaves teh ring, distracting Angelina so Rosita can get the upper hand. But her move fails, and Angelina keeps kicking her ass.
Then Rosita tags Sarita and Angelina tags Velvet. Sarita comes in but still doesn’t do anything. She gets her ass kicked by Angelina. All Beautiful People so far. Sarita kicks Velvet in the junk and they try to double team but decide to do choreography that turns into a headscissors by Velvet. Velvlet gives Sarita ANOTHER headscissors.
Rosita hooksÂ Velvet’s leg on on the outside, tripping her. Then sheÂ puts Sarita’s leg on the ropes and Sarita gets a pin.
Winners: Sarita & Rosita
That match was longer than any other match tonight. WAY longer if you include the entrances.Â And I still have no idea if Rosita is any good. Her one move was to hook a leg from the outside. The rest of the time she just got her ass kicked. She might be good. I don’t know.Â Velvet gets the mic and says that she’s had Sarita beaten every time, but Sarita always cheats. She says she wants Sarita one-on-one with no interferance. Sarita says Velvet is a joke. Sarita then speaks Mexican for a while, and challenges Velvet to a career match. Velvet agrees.
Jeff / Karen segmentÂ NUMERO TRES,Â VIA SATELLITE from a limo… IN ORLANDO.Â Jeff Jarrett says he looks awesome in a tux. Jarrett says that tonight they are headed for a dream meal. They talk about the meal for a while. Then they talk about how much they love each other. Then they talk about having sex again. This is insane. Like, there’sÂ an FCC still, right? They should see this and say “no”.
Kurt Angle is walking in a parking lot. Someone behind the camera asks where he is going, and he says he’s going to Jeff and Karen’s dinner. Someone should explain to him the concept of stalking. Commercial.
Madison Rayne is talking to Tara. She is talking about how she beat Mickie and how she has beaten everyone in the division, including Tara. Tara looks confused. She says that she’s issued an open challenge to the entire Knockout division.
Scott SteinerÂ tells us that Rob Terry wants a posedown next week, and that his favorite pose is the fist up the ass.
Jeff Hardy is talking gothic about ending RVD.
Jarrett / Karen segment number FOUR, VIA SATELLITE from ORLANDO FLORIDA. Apparently Karen’s crab was no good. They areÂ unhappyÂ They keep referring to their renewing of vows as a wedding. They toast to Kurt Angle giving her away. Now they are happy.Â Then they start fighting about the wine. Now they are unhappy againÂ Now they’re yelling at the waiter. They want to talk to the waiter’s boss. So Kurt Angle comes in, in a waiter’s jacket. Then he just stands there. Jeff and Karen bail. Kurt asks where his tip is. That segment didn’t have anything to do with how much Karen likes having sex with Jeff. I demand more segments because I’ve already forgotten how much Karen likes having sex with Jeff.
Rob Van Dam says that revenge is what he’s waited for for 6 months against Jeff Hardy, and that getting the TNA World Heavyweight Title out of it is just a bonus. That match is next. I suppose it’d be a moot point to question the logic of giving this match away for free on TV, after a 6-month buildup, right? Right.
Taz and TenayÂ talk about D-Von and Ray’s child abuse at the PPV. Ray comes out, and interrupts. He yells at Tenay. He isÂ glad that SpikeTV won’t show the child abuse. Ray says he wishes he’d had another table so that he could have put D-Von’s other kid through. He keeps yelling at TV. Taz gets up, and tells D-Von to leave. Ray says that no one in the company can tell him when to walk away and that he will slap Tenay if he wants to. Taz tells him to walk away. The crowd is chanting “beat his ass”. He trashes D-Von’s kids and smacks the headset off Tenay, and walks away. I love Taz.
TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Jeff Hardy .vs. Rob Van Dam
Special Referee Mr. Anderson
So, Anderson heel turn, right? No other reason for Bischoff to make him a ref.Â He does his full intro. Vam Dam comes out to a great reaction. Jeff Hardy crawls out looking like he wants to have sex with the camera. Hardy tosses the title to Anderson, who holds it up. Chants for RVD when the bell rings. Lockup, strikes by Van Dam. Announcers remind us that Van Dam never lost the world title. Takedown by Van Dam, Hardy cowers and hits the ropes. Hardy attempts a clothesline, RVD crotches him on the ropes and hits a sidekick off the top rope. Anderson is yelling at him “ARE YOU OKAY” over and over again really loudly in Hardy’s ear. Okay, that’s kinda funny.Â Hardy rolls out of the ring. Anderson stops RVD going after him, then is like “fuck it” and tells him to go.
Vam Dam hits a baseball slide, followed up by putting him on the railing and hitting the corkscrew legdrop. Commercial. We are back, and Van Dam is still in control hitting an over-the-top rope legdrop. Then he hits a slingshot legdrop, for a 2-count. Vam Dam hits a slam, but Hardy gets his legs up before Vam Dam can hit the split-leg. Hardy kicks RVD into the post. RVD rolls out of the ring. Hardy does his dance, which is basically a heat machine. Anderson helps RVD get into the ring. Hardy hits a front suplex for a 2-count.
Sleeper by Hardy, Vam Dam powers out but Hardy cuts him off. Hardy goes for the Whisper, but Van Dam moves and hits a moonsault. Cover by RVD gets 2. Van Dam with some punches, and an irish whip into the corner followed by a leg lariat. Rolling Thunder onto Hardy. 2 count. Hardy grabs a Van Dam kick but Van Dam rolls right through with a unique takedown. Then the exact same thing happens, but Vam Dam kicks him instead of takes him down.
Van Dam goes for the 5-Star, but Hardy gets up and pushes him off to the outside, with Vam Dam hitting the rail hard. Hardy goes out and brings Vam Dam in, and hits the top rope forÂ a Swanton which connects. 2-count. Hardy argues with Anderson about the count. Vam Dam is up, and hits a spinkick. Then he hits the top rope and hits a 5-Star. He gets 2, and Hardy gets his foot on the rope. Vam Dam questions Anderson’s count as well.
RVD with a lockup, which crashes into Anderson. Anderson stares down Hardy while Hardy kicks Vam Dam in the crotch and hits a Twist Of Hate. Pin?!?!?!
Winner And Still TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Jeff Hardy
Decent match, but boy, that finish was terrible. I don’t buy that Van Dam couldn’t kick out of that stupid shit.
Anderson raises Hardy’s hand, and then gives him a Mic Check. Van Dam is up, and he shoves Anderson. He wants to know what happened and explains that he got crotched. Anderson explains he didn’t see it. Then he gives RVD a Mic Check as well. Crowd doesn’t really know what to do.
Well, that was certainly a crap-tacular Impact. Thanks a lot Matt Hardy. Time for Reaction!!! Oh right, that got cancelled. Oh well. See you next week.