Welcome to InsidePulse’s running Oscar diary. As the show goes on, me (Pulse Glazer), my girlfriend Maria, and our friends, Yessie, Alex and Mike will give you our thoughts on the show, the awards, the clothing and, of course, the celebrities. All you have to do is sit back, enjoy the show, grab a drink and hit refresh on your browser as we’ll be updating right here with winners and commentary. Our little party is being sponsored by X-Rated Fusion Liqueur:
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Before the show begins, if you’d like to freshen up on what’s nominated, check out the InsidePulse.com Oscar Roundtable and Insider Jake Ziegler’s Final Predictions! As we get ready for the Red Carpet, we’ll be sipping on the Red Carpet Xperience (1 oz X-Rated Fusion Liqueur, 1 oz Grapefruit Juice, Top with Champagne, serve in a flute). Without further ado…
8:02 PM – I know we’re late, but, it’s the Oscars, gotta make an entrance. No, we’re just having a few internet problems. A pregnant Natalie Portman, the favorite for Best Actress is on screen, as my friend Alex laments her pregnancy. Can you guess he’s our resident Star Wars geek? It’s fine, his wife’s in Florida…
Some earlier thoughts: Scarlett Johansson looked like she just woke up- hot, but like she just woke up. Could she really be the next Courtney Love? And who told Anne Hathaway it would be a good idea to do an interview with Dracula? Is that why she’s so pale?
8:09 PM – As some critic breaks down the likelihood of either King’s Speech or The Social Network winning Best Picture as if it were the NFC Championship Game and we’re all major gamblers in a hole.
After the stress of getting the internet machine working, I need more than Red Carpet Xperience‘s booze. I’m onto True Grit Punch (16 ½ oz X-Rated Fusion Liqueur, 25oz SKYY Vodka, 16 ½ oz Orange Juice, 16 ½ oz Pineapple Juice, 8oz Grenadine) with a good bit more vodka than recommended. Good decision.
8:14 PM has Gwenneth Paltrow in a nice dress looking like she needs to eat wanting to sing a duet with Jay-Z because she thinks he has a bigger cock than the Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin to whom she is married. What, you have a better reason she’d choose Jigga over her hubby?
8:28 PM – We finish up the pre-show with Tom Hanks reminding us being in great movies doesn’t have anything to say and Halle Berry reminding us all that although she’s gorgeous she’s still consistently awkward with a live mic. Time to get to the 83rd Academy Awards.
OH MY GOD IT’S TIME! THIS IS SO… pretentious. We get our usual montage with the hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway in various spots of Inception. It’s hard to be all serious when you’re stealing your opening from the MTV Movie Awards. They do The Social Network, The Fighter, and so on. Franco has great delivery, at least. Morgan Freeman and his “soothing voice” should just run the whole show.
I know this is all about the fashion, but all the dude’s look the same in their tuxes, no? Opening monologue time. Mike says Anne could have played Joker, not just Selina Kyle, and I’m somehow inclined to agree… there’s something inherently like the Joker about her…
So, they chose these two to appear to the youth demographic, then they followed that with the safest, most old-folks friendly opening I’ve ever seen, right down to guest spots from Hathaway’s mother and Franco’s grandmother. Awww, they’re young but they’re safe. This isn’t on CBS?
8:49 PM – We pay tribute gone with the wind and then Tom Hanks comes on to suck up to it. Somehow we transition from that to Titanic because they were nominated for three awards. Moooving on… Best Art Direction is won by Alice in Wonderland. That got a lot of hate, but I really enjoyed it.
And straight to Achievement in Cinematography. Alex is going to spend the night railing against The Social Network because his wife won’t let him use Facebook. Ah, the perils of being whipped. Anywhoo… Inception wins. Didn’t dig it, but can’t argue.
Wow, Kirk Douglas is out and he’s so old he has ears on his ears. Yessie: What famous movie was he in? Mike: Spartacus. Alex: What famous movie wasn’t he in? … the answer Casablanca! Boom!
8:58 PM – Best Supporting Actress is up and … Hugh Jackman is laughing. Dude, Kirk, you sound hilarious. I’m with Wolverine. He still has great timing, at least. Melissa Lio from The Fighter won. 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld of True Grit got robbed. I bet she’d have had more poise than Rio, too, who almost hyperventilated then started cursing. At least that was memorable.
You ever wonder why everyone thanks God and no one thanks Jesus? Just remember, Hollywood is run by the Jews.
Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are out next. Best Animated Short for the two who are known for teen culture. They plug the I-Phone’s “App for that” so I get to plug X-Rated Fusion Liquor again. Hey, they have great drinks, don’t you judge me! The Lost Thing won.
Next up, same presenters, Best Animated Feature. Gee, might the one up for Best Picture win? Toy Story 3 wins, whatever, How to Train Your Dragon is better. I missed the acceptance speech because Alex pointed out an older lady with double cleavage. Three times… Damn you Tivo.
Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem next. We show Penelope Cruz. They’re wearing white suites together. If they were Monica Lewinsky’s white dress… Best Adapted Screenplay… Mike (the teacher): If I told my kids they were adapted, they’d ask “what, they don’t have parents?” Alex is now cheering for MySpace as Aaron Sorkin wins for the Social Network. His wife wouldn’t let him use that either, if she realized anyone still used it at all… well, besides pornstars and terrible unsigned musicians. They play Sorkin off, but he utterly ignores it. Aarons rule.
Best Original Screenplay is up and I am SO happy they’re going two at a time. The King’s Speech wins. Pretty cool that the two Best Picture favorites just won screenplay. At David Sideler mike screams “someone get that man a neck” because he has no soul… dude had a stroke! Or Bells Pallsy. Whichever. Horribly debilitating sickness or not, he has to stop quickly thanks to Sorkin refusing to shut up. No pity from the Aarons tonight.
Anne Hathaway serenades Hugh Jackman and James Franco comes out in her dress as Yessie wonders what happened to Madonna. Ouch, that should not have made so much sense. They kick Charlie Sheen while he’s down and …
Russel Brand and Helen Mirrem are out for Best Foreign Language Film and I’d really like to hate Russel Brand, but he’s unfortunately hilarious. In a Better World wins and a woman with a huge nose whose name they didn’t feel important enough to write on screen accepts in broken English while crying. Well, she kept it short and simple- way to be.
Reese Witherspoon is up for Best Supporting Actor as Topical Mike wonders if Christina Aguilera wonders if she’d forget a nominee. Ah, back to CBS approved comedy. Batman Christian Bale wins for BatmanThe Fighter. He is the night!
Yessie: Is Christian Bale American? Alex: No! Yessie: Where’s he from? Alex: Some other place. Unamerica! – Damn right, just like everywhere between New York, Miami, Chicago and LA is hillbilly country. Don’t be mad Middle America. Accept your fate as superstate Hillbilly-land and go drink your moonshine and gum your food. I’m sticking with the The Queen’s Speech (1 oz X-Rated Fusion Liqueur, 1 oz SKYY Infusions Citrus, Splash of Fresh Lemonade, Top with Champagne, serve in martini glass with lemon twist). Shit, did that make me sound gay?
Well, ABC promotes some show, but I’m drunk and reporting on Not the Oscars ain’t in my contract.
Here’s Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman pushing Charlie Chaplan. Groucho Marx > Chaplin. We’re now running through the start of sound and get the THX sound and John Williams doing the Star Wars theme, then Raiders of the Lost Ark then ET then … Shazam it because no-one here knows. Next time stay iconic. Geriatric Mike wants a Danny Elfman vs. John Williams duel, but the Simpsons theme already won that. Best Original Score. So, what odds in 1994 could you have gotten on Trent “Nine Inch Nails” Reznor being up for an Academy Award. Holy shit, he won. I wana f you like an animal. Stay classy, Oscars.
Scarlett Johansson and Matthew McConaughy do Best Adapted Score. Scarlett is glassy eyed. Waiter! I want what she’s having. Well, it officially isn’t CBS. The Inception DJ kissed a woman on her way to the stage.
Best Sound Editing and we’re back to Inception. At least it’s a different person so they didn’t have that lady sit just to come back again.
And in a commercial Celine Dion sings for cancer. I don’t even have a joke. The girls love this. Really. No joke.
Marissa Tomei who won an Oscar for talking about tires, then almost won another for showing her tits, is out to not only show the Oscars as a beacon of class, but to honor technology. Tires and tits, folks.
Cate Blanchett is dressed far too conservatively, in fact like something Mike’s Italian grandmother uses for curtains, to talk about geek culture like Lord of the Rings, and then she presents Best Makeup to The Wolfman which is officially the first good thing I’ve ever heard about this movie. Did this guy just thank Hennessy? Alex: His Wife. Mike: His gay lover. Me: Clearly, did you see that ponytail? That one’s for you, Shawn.
Best Costume Design is Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland. Well, if no one but me liked it, at least we all agree it was pretty.
A montage of ugly people’s favorite movie songs. Alex is singing all of these. Have I mentioned his wife? Mike would totally do Angela Lansberry, or Bea Arthur, but who’s counting. Obama earns street cred by choosing “As Time Goes By” from my favorite movie and we move to…
Kevin Spacey who is here just to prove actors can actually have personalities that don’t make us want to punch or sleep with them. Errr, it is politically correct to call actresses actors now, right?
Randy Newman sings a song from Toy Story 3. I know the Grammies sucked, but would it have killed them to get Gaga? Whatever, he’s still more coherent than Eminem these days.
Mandy Moore and Zachary Eli sing a song from Tangled as Alex runs back into the room. He isn’t whipped. I was wrong. The wife and kid are a beard.
Apparently writing this is like being InsideFights editor Shawn Smith, but that implies more, according to the man himself, “crying and laughing a lot.” And, yes Shawn, you’re InsideFights now. What’s a BrokenDial? (This entire section has been for Widro and Daniels. Maybe Michaels. Move along, the rest of ya).
Amy Adams is with the dude from Brokeback Mountain who isn’t dead. They present Best Documentary to Strangers no More because Maria says “It’s about kids baby! Don’t be an ass!” Which one of us is whipped again? Shit.
Short Live Action Film is next and despite God of Love and the dude with the phenomenal afro who just needs a red nose and floppy shoes accepting, we all decide we must see The Confession because they put a body in the road to get run over. We’re as class a crowd as the tits and tires Oscars, folks. The far too serious Travis Leamons wonders “Why’s Jesse Eisenberg wearing a wig?” Break the walls down, Travis.
We have some weird autotune music videos to a bunch of movies. As awesome as Jay-Z’s “Death to Autotune” is, this is the best moment of the show that didn’t involve a guy pushing 100. Moment of Silence.
Oprah is out with her triple cleavage. Mike: She’s giving out free Oscars! Under everyone’s seat! – OMG! SHE’S SO GENEROUS! Best Documentary goes to Inside Job.
Jake Ziegler, movie buff, texts “Everyone appears to be high. This has been an awkward, bizarre show.” Shit, I thought that was just Anne Hathaway.
Anne Hathaway announces one of the great Oscar hosts ever. I bet Alex it’s Billy Crystal. He says Steve Martin. Too soon?
Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr are out. Seriously, Robert Downey Jr’s entire delivery has become Tony Stark. At least he never had a semester abroad. Baddum ching. Couldn’t resist. Let’s keep this paragraph going so you forget that joke. Visual Effects goes to Inception. A city folded into itself in that. Achievement in Film Editing goes to The Social Network and Alex just died a bit inside.
From my very Jewish friend: “So Im noticing that milkie porcelain skin is now ‘in’ ? bout freakin time!!” Just you and Anne Hathaway, Cyn!
The Knicks just beat the Heat. If I might steal from the Sports Guy (more than by doing a live running diary that is), the lesson, as always, I’m a moron.
Jennifer Hudson is out and David Otunga must be thrilled; she lost a ton of weight. Even so, her dress is too small for her breasts and she’s getting a bit of pancake chest. Now, a song. It’s intense, but guaranteed was better with whatever scene it was meant to go with. Gweneth Paltrow is out next to sing a country song as America wonders, has there ever been a woman less country than Gweneth Paltrow? Ah well, she’s better than J-Lo, so long as it isn’t in HD.
Randy Newman wins Best Original Song for Toy Story 3. He sounds like Rodney Dangerfield meets the Godfather. “I tell ya, I get no respect at all. So I broke his legs! Make funna my singing willya.”
Why is Celine Dion singing again? We pay tribute to dead folks while everyone in Aemerica makes the same “her songs make me wish I was dead” joke. Canadians are too busy beating off.
Geriatric Mike knows everyone and is enraged we don’t: What the eff is wrong with you? Alex: What the eff is wrong with you! Geriatric Mike, everybody.
Halle Berry gives special shoutouts to Lena Horne. I have like 2-3 jokes I’m not allowed to make right now. I’ve had all the Oscar drinks, and they’re excellent, no homo, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the Dragonfruit Vodka, a generous amount of X-Rated Fusion Liqueur and OJ? That’s just killer.
Anne Hathaway is in a blue dress that makes her torso look like she belongs in Avatar and she passes it off to Hilary Swank. She introduces Katherine “Bam Bam” “Deuce” Bigelow. This woman is huge. Bam Bam is more accurate. Rob Schnieder is a tiny, little man. Best Director goes to Tom Hooper for “The King’s Speech” which gets to spend the next hour as favorite for Best Picture. Toucan Sam is up to accept and promotes Fruit Loops rather than accepting the award as near as I can tell. I think I’ve had too much vodka.
Still… I rise.
Best Actress is up. Natalie Portman wins. She also wins my most awkward moment as I saw this with the girl and our parents… the day they met. Shudder. Also, Alex broke a table when she kissed her boyfriend. Seriously, don’t mess with a Star Wars fan; they have that freaky “special” strength. That table was marble. Well, the pieces of it still are…
Anne Hathaway looks like a fruit roll-up. We have reached a consensus. Sandra Bullock is out for Best Actor. Colin Firth wins for King’s Speech. No joke, that’s a fantastic movie and performance. Damn Brits taking our awards. Oh well, we saved their ass in WWII. But they saved ours in WW III (serious brownie points to anyone but Wheeler who gets the reference).
Steven Speilberg is out for Best Picture. He lists some of the best old nominees, ignoring crap like Forest Gump beating The Shawshank Redemption. My Money’s on The King’s Speech. That they’re setting the nominees to the speech sure seems like foreshadowing. Called it.
The King’s Speech is, deservedly, best picture. Well played. I’d like to thank X-Rated Fusion Liqueur for sponsoring our little tet-a-tet and helping make it such a success. The 83rd Academy Awards certainly wasn’t without it’s absurdities, but the right films mostly won, so bravo. Thanks for joining us at InsidePulse.com and we hope you’ll stick around for the best pop culture coverage on the internet. Goodnight!