That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for -03.03.2011- Hogan, Flair, Angle, Jarrett, Hardy

Welcome to “That Being Said” for TNA Impact. But not just any TNA Impact. It’s 03.03.11! Everyone knows that this is the night that will change TNA forever. We’ve known that forever, assuming forever is since early February, when Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Booker T bailed on THAT show and they told us that 03.03.11 was the REAL date that things would change forever. That’s what they meant all along. Isn’t that right, TNA fans?

I’m your host, Blair A. Douglas. And I’ve finally given into peer pressure and joined Twitter, so feel free to follow me if you’re into that sort of thing:
It’s actually amusing to follow some people on there. Conan O’Brien and Stephen Colbert do some pretty funny stuff. Iron Sheik is a gold. Kevin Nash is pretty awesome when he’s talking to dumb fans. Does anyone know if Charile Sheen has one of these? Anyway, I don’t even totally know how it works yet. So… tell your freinds… or whatever… that I’m on there? I guess? If that’s how it works. Once (if) I get some followers I might write some stuff on there.


Wow, so the comments and the Facebook action lit up for this article last week. It was totally dead the week before. No idea what that’s about. But, it was great – thanks to everyone who commented, or “liked” on Facebook (I don’t even know how you would do that) or even just read, enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy it.

Joseph Hargrove: Good News: Sting returns and becomes the savior again. Bad News: Immortal could run TNA by next week. Sarita and Rosita are good at mind games and Velvet didn’t know she was set up. What a dummy LOL.
Blair: I like your optimism. But, Sarita and Rosita’s plan will only have worked assuming that Velvet is totally deaf on one side since they waited until she was less than 5 feet away before busting out laughing, yelling about how dumb Velvet is, and talking about how they’re going to completely screw her over. She wasn’t even out of the damn frame yet. The success of their “plan” also hinges on Velvet not watching Impact herself or having someone she knows (like, I dunno, Angelina Love, or, say, one of her co-workers at Sunglass Hut) watch it and just TELL her about Sarita and Rosita’s “mind games”. But, it’s TNA, so very sadly, you’re probably right. She will go into this week having no idea.

Howard MacEachern: I understand AJ is pissed at Ric, but did they need to make him seem like such a complete and utter dumbass?
Blair: The answer is yes. TNA seems to hate AJ Styles. I don’t know why. No one knows. It’s not Eric Young levels of hate, but still.

Swayze: I don’t get it. Who was HOT AT TEACHER?!? The show is a lie!!!
Crystal: At first I thought maybe Flair was the teacher and AJ was “hot at” him?
Blair: This question is something we figured could be like one of those “magic eye” things. You see, Crystal’s answer is just trying to throw people off. Misdirection, as we say in the trade. The actual answer to Swayze’s question is actually the last sentance of his comment. Well done, my dudes.

Rob S: Okay, here’s the thing that people are willfully ignorant of when it comes to TNA: most of their money comes from distribution rights for Impact. They don’t make much money off of their PPVs. Hell, WWE isn’t even making much money off their PPVs. The pay-per-view is a dying attraction in wrestling, where you can just as easily find a live stream or wait a day and download the entire show. Wrestling fans aren’t as stupid as we all sometimes joke about; even the casual fans know about these free alternatives. So TNA should actually be focusing on Impact and “giving away big matches” on it. It’s a sound strategy. The problem with TNA isn’t giving away big matches on TV, it’s their lack of planning and general incoherence from week to week. They build a feud to a pay-off then veer to the left and take a complete detour at the last moment. Case in point: the feud between RVD and Jeff. TNA refuses to commit to it. They started it then threw Matt Morgan in, hinted at it again only to bring in Mr. Anderson and then Matt Hardy, and now Sting comes in out of nowhere. If they logically built up feuds and then followed through on them, it wouldn’t matter where the pay-off was because their fans would still be left fulfilled.
Blair: I half-agree with you. I understand that TNA makes money from the distribution rights of Impact. And I understand that the PPV business is down right now. But part of the reason that TNA’s PPV business in particular is down is because, like Apes said, they continually give the middle finger to everyone buying them like a week later. TNA PPV’s used to be a a lot better than they are now, and truth be told the last couple TNA PPV’s I’ve watched have still been decent if nowhere near as good as they used to be. It’s the question of why they’re running so many and why they cost so much if they’re not doing well from a profit and buyrate standpoint. TNA needs to put that kind of PPV effort into their actual shows. And I don’t mean JUST having matches despite what some probably think, because they can’t do that.

I just mean that Impact is horrible and a joke, and worse, that they don’t use Impact to build towards the PPV’s is one of their biggest problems. Tonight is a prime example – at least a quarter of the show will go to Jersey Shore and whoever this linebacker is and their next PPV is like 2 weeks away, a PPV which they have NO matches lined up for that I can think of. Those segments are not going to build towards anything that’s on the PPV, or if lightning strikes and it actually does, not anything that anyone will actually plunk down $30 to buy a PPV for. But it won’t anyway, so that last aspect won’t matter.

JJ: Sting must of watched wwe when he heard he might be showing up there to see what all the fuss was about and then decided to use their idea just like when he watched the movie the crow and decided to dress like him.
Blair: That’s not Sting making that call. That’s TNA. Sting wouldn’t rip off WWE. Sting doesn’t care about WWE. He never has. It’s one of his most redeeming qualities. Sting doesn’t make a habit of ripping people off. Say what you want about him, I think most would agree that the man is a class act.

Herman: I got to be honest. Not a big fan of TNA but the 3-3-11 video is awesome. I love that the quality of the color blue mixed in with the rain and Sting walking in a street location. I like 3-3-11. They should have aired this weeks ago. Much better than the bland, lifeless, to dark, too gloomy 2-21-11. TNA wins this one. Just being honest.
Blair: No. No they don’t. TNA doesn’t win this one. TNA doesn’t win anything. They didn’t win Monday Night War II: The Wrath Of Kahn. They didn’t win when they sent the New Age Outlaws to make fun of DX. They didn’t win when they “invaded” WWE catering. They can’t win what is not a competition. WWE did not know that they were going to be competing with videos for TNA. So it wasn’t a competition. It was just sad. And if it was a competition, TNA would have been disqualified by any judge in their right mind for ripping off WWE’s video. 

You’re right that the video itself, aside from the fact that it was basically WWE’s video that they parodied for no reason at all, WAS quite well put together. That much I agree with. However… I’m not sure they can exactly take credit for that when it’s basically WWE’s video that they parodied for no reason at all, and they didn’t COME UP WITH THE CONCEPT ON THEIR OWN TO BEGIN WITH!!! Also, how exactly was the video that they produced any LESS “bland, lifeless, too dark, too gloomy” than WWE’s? IT’S THE SAME VIDEO!!!

DarrylTheHitman: 3-3-11 was all types of awesome!!! Sting is back home where he belongs. I do feel bad for fans of that other company who had their hopes of Sting and Undertaker. But why would Sting want to go to a third rate company and be misused?
Blair: Why, indeed.

elvylanda: I love 3-3-11! I love it. I love it. I love it. It is a complete slap in the face to the WWE’s lame 2-21-11 video. Kudos, TNA! Kudos! It’s like TNA is saying, “Screw you, WWE!” I love 3-3-11. Great left jab by TNA!
Blair: No you don’t. No you don’t. No you don’t. Are you from the future? Because if not, then you don’t love 3.3.11. Because 3.3.11 hasn’t happened yet. So you can’t possibly have any idea if you love it. You can’t possibly. This is not a slap in the face to WWE. If WWE is anything more than moderately amused by TNA basically completely unintentionally saying that WWE’s video was good, I’d be REALLY surprised.

I hate being pushed into the idea of defending the WWE when I find most of WWE’s product boring. But just because I don’t like WWE right now doesn’t mean I have to like TNA, or vice versa. I understand this seems to be a new concept to some people. But TNA should not be parodying ANYthing when they themselves are a joke. “Monday Night War 2: The Two Towers” proved they are a joke. They were never serious competition for WWE. Yes, they have the potential to be. But as of right now, they’re not. And they never have been. I understand that this is disapointing to some people. It certainly is disapointing to me. But sometimes you just have to be able to sit back and laugh at stuff like this. When watching TNA, surely it’s either that or madness. It’s certainly possible that someday TNA will be competition for WWE. How long did WCW lag behind WWE before they started kicking tail? But to suggest that TNA is, or that they have been so far is ludicrous.

But man, I would just LOVE to be in the room when someone brings up the idea to do something like this video thing. Like who brings that up? And who DOESN’T laugh that person out of the room? What POSSIBLE point was there to this? It accomplished nothing – absolutely nothing other than to tie the return of one of their major names who is actually still willing to come to the amusement park where they film, to some half-hearted, half-assed attempt to mimmick and / or make fun of (it doesn’t really matter which as the effort to do either is equally pathetic) the WWE’s Undertaker video. Sting coming back is announcement enough. How they accoplished announcing it tainted Sting’s return, in my opinion, and if I were him, I’d be pissed.

Oh yeah. And the last 3 comments are from the same person. “Just being honest.”

lazor lopez: Now, Mr. Blair Douglas, if TNA is so terrible and acorrding to you, have no right to still be functioning as a company then expalin to me how: TNA made a profit in 2008, 2009 and in 2010? TNA averages 1.3 million viewers a week for SpikeTV.
Blair: It’s amazing to me that after all the corporate failures that we in North America have seen, that people still accept profit and only profit as evidence of success. The answer is, because terrible shows still have the ability to make a profit. And 1.3 million viewers is not a lot of people. Sorry. It’s not. For SpikeTV, that’s not bad, I’ll give you that much. And that is the ONLY reason they haven’t been kicked to the curb by Spike yet; because 1.3 is not all that bad for Spike. But have you seen what other kind of original programming Spike airs? Before Impact once, I saw 3 or 4 cops completely man-handling a shirtless guy, whom they then proceded to taze for no reason at all. Then, after that same Impact episode, I was asked by something called “Man-swers” if I knew how I could tell if a girl would put out just by looking at her “tits”. (The answer is no, for inquiring minds.)

lazor lopez:  They are in several television markets around the world. Their house shows are doing good numbers. Their only weakness are pay per view buyrates, but everyone (WWE, UFC) are struggling in that department. ROH does not even bother with pay per view because they failed the first time and are relagated to internet ppv’s.
Blair: I’m not going to say that ROH has the best business model around. And I never said that ROH has a product that everyone else in the world prefers, because clearly, that’s not the case. ROH has a product that I myself enjoy, but I readily accept that I’m in the minority there. That makes me sad, but meh. That’s reality. Also, if you’re going to say that ROH is inferior to TNA based on the numbers, which is why everyone should prefer TNA, then by that same logic, TNA is inferior to WWE and everyone should prefer WWE.

lazor lopez: And, to say Eric Bischoff had no success in the wrestling business is erroneous. You should probably check out his bank account and see the millions of dollars he made in WCW, WWE and TNA and the success he has had outside of the wrestling business (Scott Baio reality show).
Blair: Okay first of all, I never said that Eric Bischoff has had no success in the wrestling business. And I don’t know where you got that from or why you’re attributing an opinion to me that isn’t mine. Secondly, Scott Baio had a fucking reality show? Holy shit. Okay, but, I’m not sure why you would state that a Scott Baio reality show means he’s had success in the wrestling business. 

So instead, let’s start with Bischoff and WWE. Bischoff had success in WWE as an on-air character. Nothing more. He can’t have had success in any other areas in WWE because that’s all he did there. Eric Bischoff never had any control of any booking for WWE. So, there goes that one. And he hasn’t made millions in TNA because he hasn’t been there that long, and has yet to prove ANY success in TNA in the time that he HAS been there. Nothing he and nothing TNA has done since he has been there so far has worked. At all. It’s actually gotten progressively worse since his presence.

So really, WCW is the only thing where you have sort of half a point. Sort of. Except for the fact that Eric Bischoff got dismissed from WCW. Twice. And let’s clarify – at no point have I said Eric Bischoff is a moron. Eric Bischoff is not a moron. Wrestling would not be, for better or worse, in the state that it’s in today without Eric Bischoff and the way he did business, thereby forcing WWE to do business a different way. Live TV, reality-based storylines, pushing the envelope… all that stuff. You have to be smart and gutsy to do business the way he did. That’s why I will call TNA the company moronic for handling things a certain way – not the individuals running it. Not Eric Bischoff. Not Vince Russo. Not Hulk Hogan. Not Dixie Carter. I don’t know that any one man or woman could have done the job of running WCW based on everything that’s come out about them since their demise. I don’t know that any one man could do the same thing with TNA. It sounds like it would be extremely difficult based on the circumstances. At no point have I said I could do a better job booking TNA, and trust me, when I watch TNA, the temptation to say such things is crushing at times.

I remember saying that Bischoff had one good idea, in the nWo. But that wasn’t really his idea, he took that from New Japan Pro Wrestling. Bischoff will tell you that. So… even THAT idea wasn’t his. So while I want to state that I’m not blaming Eric Bischoff personally for TNA’s MANY current woes, I don’t know why the only criteria you’re judging him on is money. I don’t see how that’s an accurate indicator by any means.

There’s a great Eric Bischoff quote that I think sums it up quite nicely:
“I have a tremendous respect for Vince McMahon, and, in a perverse way, like him, but at the end of the day, I think I’m better than him. I’m more creative than him and have a better feel for the business…
… it’s just that he happens to be a lot more successful than I am.”

– Eric Bischoff

So yeah. I prefer looking at the track record. WCW? Fired twice. Mat Rats? Ha! WWE? On air character only. TNA? No success to speak of thus far.

Lazor Lopez: What ROH guys are successfull in the WWE? Other than CM Punk…there is no one else.
Blair: I’m assuming you mean other than Daniel Bryan. But yeah, other than those two, you have to remember that not a lot of guys from ROH have GONE to WWE other than Colt Cabana and Low Ki. But does that mean ROH sucks? Of course it doesn’t, and that’s a ridiculous suggestion. ROH birthed and is responsible for the rise of CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Low Ki, Homicide, Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, whatever WWE is calling Tyler Black now, and a host of others.

Lazor Lopez: And if ROH is so special….why have they not been successful. It’s not like the wrestling world is clamoring for that great ROH product. TNA, whether bad or good, gets attention. ROH always seem to put out a superior wrestling product but whats has that gotten them? Nothing. They are about to lose their tv show and have a small fan base.
Blair: Uh… if TNA is so special, why have THEY not been successful? ROH has been in business 9 years, which is exactly how long TNA has been in business. While ROH may not be doing great business right now, TNA has almost lost the farm a couple times over it’s history, and would have without Panda Energy saving their ass. And TNA had as much trouble getting on TV as ROH has, and TNA’s business depends a lot more on than than ROH’s does. Remember FOX Sports? I hope not. Also remember that HDNet is regional, not a national deal like TNA has, so losing that HDNet product is less of a problem than one might think. And you’re right – the world is not clamouring for the ROH product right now. But you really think people are clamoring for the TNA product? With the number being 1.3, I’d have to disagree.

lazor lopez: Your response Mr. Douglas? I would greatly appreciate it. I like your Impact recaps so I would like to hear your thoughts?
Blair: I appreciate that you threw this in at the end. I really did. Thank you. I hope you didn’t take it personally when I took issue with pretty much everything else that you said.

Bullet Points

  • Ring Of Honor’s show was good, not great. Daniels and Edwards stole the show without question, and The All Night Express and The Kings Of Wrestling were very close behind them. Not sure what they were thinking with Roderick Strong and Homicide. I still highly recommend the show, especially for only $15. 3 and a half hours of solid wrestling.
  • Ring Of Honor is running 2 more iPPV’s this month, 2 for $20. I will be all over those.
  • I watched RAW on Monday again. This was a waste of time. Here are some RAW thoughts.
  • John Cena is only allowed to speak like an adult when talking about The Rock?
  • “I will never ever, ever, leave again…” (… but I won’t be here next week. And I won’t be there if you go to Buffalo either. But I’ll send something in. Watch my Facebook.)
  • Thanks to Wheeler, I will never be able to watch Triple H spit out water again without wondering how he keeps his gum in his mouth.
  • Does anyone have any interest in me covering WrestleMania? Let me know.
  • Halfway through Chris Jericho’s book. Definitely a must-read. Glad it’s not a WWE book, he was able to let loose a bit. An all-around interesting read so far.
  • How long will it be, do you think, before a pregnancy gets introduced into this Angle / Jarrett storyline?
  • No one hopes I’m wrong more than I do about that last one.


 So is anyone ACTUALLY looking forward to tonight’s show? I just wonder how many times TNA has to let people down before everyone just totally gives up on them. I can’t imagine they can have long left with even the die-hard fans. Let’s try to remember what they’ve got going on tonight.

Hulk Hogan is back. Sting is back. Dixie Carter is back. Jersey Shore people are here. Some linebacker that Taz knows is here. Dixie and Hulk will be fighting over TNA or something, unless Hogan no shows, but in that case they’ll just fly Christy Hemme somewhere to stand in front of a courthouse VIA SATELLITE (from Orlando) where they’ll pretend some ruling was handed down. Kurt Angle will be foiling Jeff Jarrett’s renewing of vows. I’m thinking all that stuff I just mentioned will take at least 75% of the show. What are the odds they’ll run a match worth watching tonight? It doesn’t look good, does it.

Of course, as always, there is the possibility that we will be surprised. And, as TNA fans for better or worse, what else can we do, really, but live in hope?

Did you hear that? That was PROPHETIC.

Let’s get this bitch started. The bumper ad going into this show told me that TNA is now all about a new breed of wrestling superstars that are stronger, faster, and tougher. I wonder if we’ll get to see any of that tonight between the hour and 55 minutes of segments they have planned.

“No Episode Title”

Why is there no episode title?!?! No episode title?!?! No one is hot for teacher this week?!?! I’m getting scared.

Opening Segment

They have a new set tonight, and I don’t think they’re in Orlando! Mike Tenay says they’re in North Carolina, and Dixie Carter is coming out. Looks like a big arena, that’s good for them. Dixie is crying already, and thanking everyone who has reached out to her over the last couple months. She apprecaites the e-mails, tweets, and Facebook messages. The last few weeks have meant the world of her and your support has given her strength. But she is here tonight to share with us the outcomes of the legal proceedings that started back in November. The court ruling came down this morning. Convenient. She says that things didn’t go as she hoped… and terrible Bischoff music hits.

Bischoff comes down with some nWo guys. Matt Hardy is repeatedly making some kind of really silly gesture that doesn’t mean anything. Ric Flair is here, so I hope Dixie is ready to be sexually harassed. Bischoff is mocking Dixie. Bischoff said he agreed to let her come out here and say goodbye, but that he didn’t agree to let her do her PR spin. Bischoff says that he respects Dixie and that he’s learned lots from her, even though she’s a woman in a man’s world. He says Dixie has all kinds of balls. Oh shit, Flair has the mic. Flair asks Dixie if she understands where she is, and that this is Flair country, and “does she understand that vibration?” Flair says if Dixie had just had sex with him like he wanted, things would have been fine. Flair says that Dixie chooses to e-mail, tweet, and voicemail… VOICEMAIL?!?!

Now Flair is just rambling. I don’t know what he’s saying. Something about getting off. It’s tremendous. Flair says you need to have money… which he doesn’t have. Now something about wanting Dixie’s money. Because Flair doesn’t have any money I guess? Now he’s still going on and on, inviting Dixie to the Holiday Inn. Flair introduces Hogan… and here… he… comes. HE FUCKING SHOWED FOR ONCE WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD!!!

Hogan comes down to the ring, and Dixie is crying again. His entrance is taking longer than I’m imagining any matches will be tonight. Hulk says that he’s amped up, and then says something about his adrenal glands. Hogan says he was in the courtroom today with Dixie, and it’s safe to say that he now controls 100% of TNA. He says TNA is all his now. Hogan says he makes all the decisions. Dixie is still crying. Hogan says Dixie is fired, and that she’s delusional. Hogan says that people call him an egomaniac, but no one believes their own hype like Dixie does. Hogan says that he and Bischoff used her to get back on top of the wrestling business. Because this right here… this is the top.

Hulk says that Dixie supplied the money… period. He says this wasn’t about him being a partner to Dixie, it was about him and his real partner Eric getting back in control of the wrestling business. Hogan calls Dixie a weak woman, and says they used her own family. He says that all she has left is her dignity, and now they’re going to take that away too. (And he said that last part in what he called a “Nashville” accent.) Hogan says Dixie still has her fans… and Fortune’s new music hits.

Fortune comes out, and AJ Styles says that we can do this the easy way or the hard way. AJ says that Fortune prefers doing things the hard way. AJ says that there is a woman in the ring, and Kaz says they’re not talking about Bischoff. AJ says that Dixie is the one that gave them their opportunity at TNA and goes for the Foley North Carolina pop. AJ tells Dixie to get out of the ring, and Bischoff says that they can have Dixie because he had his fun. Dixie gets out of the ring, and now Roode has the mic, and says that he’s ashamed that Hogan is the reason that he became a pro wrestler. Roode says that there’s a saying that your idols will always let you down, and that it’s never been more true.

Flair grabs a mic and says that Hogan is his friend. Roode tells him to shut up. The crowd actually does seem pretty into this. Flair says that now Roode is talking to God. Flair says that Roode can kiss his ass and Hogan’s ass. Roode says they’re going to kick ass and not kiss it, and Fortune rushes the ring. Security stops them. Commercial.

Now Immortal is in the back, and they’re pleased with themselves. Some guy walks up, and I’m guessing this is the linebacker. They all hug him. They’re all glad to see him. Hogan says that the guy is a New York Jet, and Matt Hardy takes the New York Jet to do something Immortal-style, because this is Matt’s hometown. I don’t know what. But Matt knows where he can find good drugs, that much I do know. They’re talking, but I don’t understand what they’re saying because they’re talking over each other worse than the girls do. They seem happy though, so that’s a plus, I guess. On their way out, they run into Dixie. Matt is throwing it in her face that he is with a New York Jet. This is enough to make Dixie run off for some reason, and now AJ and Kaz are here jawing with the Jet and Cold Blood. A brawl breaks out between the 4 of them. Is the linebacker a wrestler now? Security eventually breaks it up.

As this happens, Jeff Jarrett and Karen walk right by them, as if they don’t know anything is happening. Uh… okay. Then they recap the Angle / Jarrett saga. Commercial? That was brief.

Now Hogan and Bischoff are in the back, and Bischoff is in the back, saying that he got a call from the “network” and they want Jeff Hardy to defend the title. And the “network” says that they won’t tell Bischoff who his opponent is. Hogan says that now he’s in control of everything wrestling-related so that Spike has to go through him now. This storyline seems unrealistic. They think Hardy’s opponent is Ken Anderson, but Hogan isn’t so sure. He says they’ll be ready.

Holy shit! A match! At only half an hour in! I guess setting up the ring ropes wasn’t a waste of time after all.

TNA World Tag Team Title Match
Beer Money .vs. Gunner & Murphy

Oh, well this doesn’t sound all that exciting. Gunner & Murphy get the drop on Beer Money. They work on James Storm in the corner. James Storm doesn’t take his shirt off anymore, and with good reason. Gunner & Murphy tag in and out, tossing Storm around. Eventually Storm gets a boot up on Gunner when they charge, and hits a codebreaker on Murphy. He taggs Roode, who comes in with a good fire. Roode hits a flying elbow and a couple clotheslines, followed by a back-body drop. Murphy eats a spinebuster and gets 2.

Murphy blindsides Roode with a big boot. After a miscommunication between G&M, Storm hits a superkick and they hit a double suplex. Beer Money gear up for their finish. Crowd is fired up. They hit their finisher. Pin. I was right, it was shorter than Hogan’s entrance.

Winners & Still TNA World Tag Team Champions: Beer Money

As Beer Money celebrate, Ink Inc. comes out. Seriously? Shannon Moore is talking, which is never good. Shannon is in his hometown apparently, and he’s trying to get the crowd behind him. It’s not working. Shannon tries to get people to say “fuck”. Basically Shannon says that at Victory Road, they’re getting a tag-team title shot against Beer Money. James Storm is not impressed, and says that they’re the best tag team in the business today.

Jarrett and Karen are in the back. Karen says they got a 10 foot wedding cake. HA, I totally don’t even need to watch this to know where it’s going. Eric Young is there, and he says that he hears wedding bells. He wants to be Jarrett’s best man and says he is getting dressed, and is in a t-shirt with a picture of a tux on it. Jarrett says no. Then he shuts the door. Then he opens it again and Eric says he wants to be maid of honor. Then Jarrett shuts it again. Then he opens it again, and Eric Young says he wants to be ring bearer. Karen asks why he keeps opening the door and just tells him to keep it closed. Then they make out. At no point during this segment did anything remotely amusing happen.

Someone from Jersey Shore gets out of a limo. Commercial.

Kurt Angle is backstage with his kid, walking around.

“Career” Match
Sarita (w/ Rosita) .vs. Velvet Sky (w/ Angelina Love)

So obviously, Rosita is down at the ring with Velvet. So what was the point of that whole segment last week saying that it would just be a 1-on-1? Whatever. They shove each other and yell. Velvet catches a kick and hits a clothesline. And reverses a suplex into a pin for a 1-count. Irish whip doesn’t work and Sarita hits mat. Velvet is screaming, and Sarita… lifts her up… or something… then someone falls, and the person who should be hurt isn’t, and the person who shouldn’t be hurt is selling like death. Now all the girls are fighting. I don’t know what’s going on. Rosita and Angelina come in, but the ref ejects them both.

Now Sarita is in control and hits a backbreaker and goes all generic heel on her. Sarita goes for her finish, but Velvet hits a DDT for a pin.

Winner: Velvet Sky

Now Angelina is back out. She and Velvet celebrate. 

While they do so, Robbie E and Cookie come out. They’ve got someone from Jersey Shore with them. This should be an absolute treat. Cookie is yelling and talking about when The Beautiful People brought the other girl from Jersey Shore with them a few months back. Robbie E is tripping over something around ringside. Cookie continues to talk and heads toward the rin…

.. and then the music hits, and the segment comes to an end. All in all, an entertaining and logical segment that will help ensure long-term growth for the company. I personally think they should have used the word “bitch” more though. Commercial.

Ken Anderson is walking in the back. He says that his head is in the ring this week, and that he’s getting a title shot. He says he knows that the network knows they made a mistake giving RVD the title shot last week. He says that now the network knows that Ken Anderson = Ratings. I think Ken Anderson = Matt Hardy.

Now Eric Young is in the back, talking to Orlando Jordan. Oh for… Eric Young says he’s the best man and that Orlando is the flower girl. Orlando is confused. Eric is asking Orlando for some kind of ring. I don’t know. They roll around on the ground. This is so fucked.

Jarrett is getting ready, and Flair comes in. Flair wants to talk about the honeymoon. Jarrett says Flair is an expert on honeymoons. Which is kinda true. Apparently Jarrett is taking Karen to… Orlando? Like… where they work? Okay then. Jarrett tells Flair that he is taking Karen to Universal Studios to Harry Potter with the kids. Flair is in disbelief. Flair says that Jarrett should just bring the mother-in-law and kill himself. HA! That’s awesome. Anyway, Flair is just horny basically. That’s all you need to know.

I don’t even know where to begin with that segment. So let’s go to ANOTHER SEGMENT!!! WHY NOT?!?! FUCK IT!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!! Kurt Angle is in the back, asking someone to take care of his son for the rest of the night. Commercial The wedding is next. They’ve had one match so far, which was about 5 minutes long, tops. And we are an hour in. FASTER!!! STRONGER!!! TOUGHER!!! And the wedding hasn’t even happened yet. I take back what I said earlier about the ring ropes.

Hulk Hogan is on the phone, talking to someone from the network. He is not pleased that Hardy has to defend the belt. Hogan says they’re all on the same team and that Jeff Hardy is a fighting champion. He is not happy that they don’t know who Hardy’s opponent is. He then says “yes sir” and hangs up the phone.

An Unconventional Wedding On A Wrestling Show?!?!

Okay, so Eric Young comes out with the old TNA World Title and Orlando Jordan. Eric carries the ring, Orlando tosses flowers. This gets literally no reaction. Jarrett comes out. Kurt Angle comes out and jumps Jarrett as he walks down to the ring. WOW!!! I TOTALLY DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING OR ANYTHING?!?! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT KURT WOULD TRY TO FOIL THE WEDDING WHEN JARRETT MADE SURE HE WOULD BE PART OF IT?!?! THIS IS SO TOTALLY CRAZY!!! ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!

Anyway, Kurt kicks his ass up the ramp and Jarrett tries not to fall into the cake because nothing could be funnier. Kurt clotheslines Jarrett and gets ready to toss him into the cake. Karen jumps on Kurt’s back and starts jumping up and down and screaming and swearing at him. She slaps him, and Kurt grabs her and slams her face into the cake. Angle’s music hits. Jeff Jarrett is mad. Karen Angle is mad. Kurt Angle is happy. That took 5 minutes, tops.

I guess they had to keep that short so that we could see Hulk Hogan again. Because now Hulk Hogan is in the back, talking to Jeff Hardy. He is telling Hardy no more ladder matches, so that he can’t botch any more finishes. Hogan is trying to talk Hardy into defending the title. Hardy agrees, then Hogan says he doesn’t know who Hardy’s opponent is. Hardy is not pleased about this. They talk for a few minutes but literally nothing else is discussed. Apparently Hardy is like a son to Hogan. Don’t bother asking me. I don’t know. Commercial.

Okay, so far, this show is the perfect illustration of how TNA works. If you want to show someone the essence of TNA, show them this specific episode of Impact. This is insane, even for them.

When we come back, we recap the wedding. Because fuck it, why not?

Karen and Jarrett are now screaming at Bischoff and Flair in the back. Flair looks completely scared. Bischoff assures them that the wedding will still happen. Fucking seriously??? Hogan walks up, and he says they’re in some serious trouble, and apparently he and Bischoff think that “the network” might be sending “the same person”, but they don’t say who. Wow, I don’t know, could it be FUCKING STING, WHO THEY FUCKING SAID WOULD BE HERE THIS WEEK?!?! DO BISCHOFF AND HOGAN NOT WATCH IMPACT EITHER?!?!?! ARE THEY NOT PART OF THE 1.3?!?! ARE THEY SERIOUSLY GOING TO RE-RUN THE FUCKING WEDDING?!?! WHY DID THEY JUST DO THAT BULLSHIT THEN?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bischoff says that he and Hogan are going to take care of this title match thing. He tells Flair to take care of the Angle / Jarrett thing.

HOLY FUCK IT’S A FUCKING MATCH!!! … oh for the love of…

Rob Terry .vs. Scott Steiner

Terry jumps Steiner before the bell. He gives him an irish whip that Steiner reverses, then gets kicked and eats a t-bone suplex. Steiner suplexes Terry out of the ring. Steiner follows him out and tries to post him, but Terry reverses and does the same to him. Terry picks up Steiner and runs him back-first into the post. Taz and Teney make cake jokes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Terry with a powerslam in the ring, which gets him 2. Taz and Tenay apparently know now that Anderson is not getting the title shot. I don’t know how. I don’t care. Steiner reverses a suplex attempt into a belly-to-belly, then hits a flatliner. Steiner stalking Terry, and hits a clothesline, followed by the flexing elbow drop and pushups.

Steiner puts Terry on the top rope. People are chanting for Steiner, and Steiner hits a fallaway slam from the top rope. Crowd likes this, and Steiner hits the Recliner. Terry taps.

Winner: Scott Steiner

I can’t believe I’m going to say something half-nice about this episode tonight, but given the participants, that could have been a LOT worse. People love Steiner.

Flair introduces the New York Jet to Kurt Angle. Flair makes fun of Angle and calls him a nut. Flair says that the New York Jet, who is not a wrestler or any kind of fighter, is his enforcer, and that the Jet will kick Angle’s ass if he tries to get involved in the wedding again. I don’t know why. They have an entire stable of actual wrestlers and a full security force. But I guess Flair doesn’t make any sense on the best of days. But yeah, put the “celebrity” on it. He’ll take care of it. Whatever. I can’t even find shit to say about this anymore. I honestly can’t believe this.

Now Taz and Tenay are talking to some guy named Joe Warren who is a featherweight champion of something. He’s doing something on MTV2. I don’t know. Then he talks about transitioning to MMA. I don’t know why he’s here. He is not a wrestler and has nothing to do with wrestling. He is going to help us call our next match.

Hernandez .vs. Matt Morgan

Hernandez charges but misses a clothesline, so Morgan hits one. Morgan stomps Hernandez in the corner because he’s run out of moves. Morgan tosses Hernandez to the other corner, and charges into him. Then he hits a sidewalk slam. 2 count. Hernandez rolls out of the ring and tries to leave. Morgan gives chase. The announcers are talking about whatever show that Joe Warren is on. They don’t care at all about what’s going on.

Okay, you know what, fuck this. Seriously, if the announcers can’t even be bothered to call the match I don’t see why I should have to be bothered when it’s this bad. So here’s all you need to know. Hernandez tries to turn this into a wrestling match but has difficulty because Matt Morgan is a really terrible wrestler. They repeat the same spots a few times until the referee rings the bell for some reason when Hernandez puts Morgan into the steel steps. Because that totally doesn’t happen all the time or anything.

Winner: Matt Morgan? Maybe? I don’t fucking know.

Hogan is yelling at the network guy AGAIN. Hogan for some reason is led to believe that the network doesn’t even know themselves who they’re sending. And he wants them to go through paperwork. It doesn’t make any sense. Then he tells someone to get him Ken Anderson and Ken Anderson is all of a sudden standing right in front of him. They yell at each other for a while about how much they hate each other. Hogan tells Anderson that he’s not getting his title shot. Anderson yells a lot and Hogan says he is going to kick Anderson’s ass. Then he sits down and takes out a back-brace. What the fuck?!?! Anderson leaves. Hogan says to come back when he’s slammed a 700-pound giant. Andre weighed a little more than half of 700 pounds when Hogan slammed him.

So the network has total control over this “company” now. Even though Hogan said that he had total control. Which I guess was a lie. A lie that got them nothing. They were fooling themselves basically? Is that it? To what end? I don’t know. Someone tell me how this makes any sense at all. So basically, the last few months and Immortal in general mean nothing basically because they have no control. That’s what I’m getting out of this.

Commercial. 25 minutes left for the wedding and the title match.

Now we are back. But then we’re shown a preview for some terrible show on Spike that happens after Impact. TNA Impact = ECW On TNN. Now we’re doing the wedding again.

Wedding Part 2

Eric Young and Orlando Jordan come out AGAIN. During this episode of Impact, we have wasted at least 6 or 7 minutes of airtime on Orlando Jordan and Eric Young for no reason at all. Taz says this is all crazy on a million different levels. Jeff Jarrett comes out. He is unfazed by Eric Young being there despite that they told him not to come.

Now Kurt Angle is walking Karen to the ring. He has a big smile on his face. The Bart linebacker guy is nowhere to be seen. Taz says that wrestling weddings never go well. Kurt and Karen get into the ring, and he puts Karen’s hands into Jarrett’s. Jarrett and Karen are happy that Kurt is into this now. Yeah. Fine. Karen is still covered in icing. She’s had about an hour to get that off. The preacher does his thing and does the “speak now if anyone knows any reason why they shouldn’t renew their vows” and the crowd boos. The preacher asks Jarrett the wedding questions. Kurt is still smiling. Jarrett says yes.

The preacher asks the crowd if they will do all that they can to help these two uphold their vows. The crowd boos. Jarrett and Karen have their own vows. Taz calls it a “custom promo”. Is Taz just drunk all the time now? Jarrett wrote his vows down, and he tells Karen that now she is married to a real man, and not some harmless, gutless excuse of a man. Angle is laughing. He looks like he could kill them at any moment. Jarrett says Karen was a victim and was underappreciated by a man who didn’t deserve to have her in the first place. Jarrett says that all the gold medals in the world could not symbolize all the love he has for her. He says she is the wind beneath his wings.

Karen has the mic and says that she is overwhelmed. The crowd is all over these 2 right now. Karen says that Jeff Jarrett is a real man, unlike Kurt Angle. She says that Jarrett makes Karen her first priority, unlike Kurt Angle. She says that she is the princess and that Jarrett makes sure she gets whatever she wants. She says that Jarrett is her Big Daddy, and that every night Jarrett sends her to bed with a smile, unlike Kurt Angle who only cared about his own needs. Wow. I totally forgot about how much they liked having sex. Angle is still smiling. Yeah, so she goes on and on a bit more. This is taking way too long. At the end, Karen says that Jarrett completes him.

The preacher asks for the ring, and Eric Young takes it out of his shoe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HOW FUNNY! Jarrett repeats after the priest. Karen does the same. Angle is grinning like a mongoloid. The priest pronounces them husband and wife. Karen and Jarrett make out. Wedding music hits. Angle goes up to the mic, and Angle asks the priest if they’re done. The priest says they are. Angle pushes the podium over and GRABS AN AXE?!?!?!

Everyone bails. For some reason, Kurt Angle destroys the wedding set that they don’t need anymore, for some reason this upsets Karen and Jarrett, and for some reason this makes Kurt Angle very happy.

Now Eric Bischoff is here, and Bischoff is sending the New York Jet after Angle. Even though they have a stable of like 20 guys that could do that. The Jet gets into the ring and talks to Angle. Then shoves him. Then shoves him again. Then pie-faces him. Angle does nothing, then puts an ankle lock on the Jet. The Jet taps. Security comes in to stop him. Tenay makes a New York Jets joke.

Jeff Hardy says that it’s all good tonight because he is Jeff Fucking Hardy. He says he is walking out the world champion. WHO COULD IT BE?!?!?! COULD IT BE THE GUY THEY ADVERTISED WAS SHOWING UP THIS WEEK?!?!?!

A limo shows up. Someone gets out, but we only see the feet. We can’t tell anything from the feet. Which makes that a waste of time. Commercial.

It’s 8:53. They have 7 minutes to run commercials, any promos they have left, the intros, and this World Title Match. So they have like negative 15 minutes basically. I’m in total disbelief at this show so far.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match

Jeff Hardy is out first. Slowly. Yeah that’s it asshole, take your time, we got all the minutes in the world here. Taz and Tenay have no idea who the “mystery” is, despite them being the ones that announced the promo last week to us that told us it was Sting. Then Sting comes out. Hardy looks shocked, despite… well I think I covered that. Sting has new ring attire. The crowd is pretty into him.

Sting pulls Hardy in the ring. Hardy bails out of the ring. It’s 9:00 already, looks like we’re in overtime. Hardy eventually gets back into the ring, and cheapshots Sting, then works on him in the corner. Hardy attempts a suplex, which Sting reverses and puts him into a Scorpion Death Lock. Hardy is screaming, but eventually makes it to the ropes. Hardy slides outside the ring and limps around, eventually going up the ramp. Sting gives chase, and suplexes him on the ramp before taking him back to ringside and tossing him into a post. Sting goes for a splash into the barricade but Hardy moves and Sting crashes. He then slams Sting into the steps. I thought that caused a DQ!!! There are so many errors on this show… fuck. I don’t know.

Hardy rolls Sting into the ring and puts on a sleeper. Sting gets back up and hits some elbows but Hardy cuts him off and punches him a few times, but Sting no-sells and screams at Hardy and knocks him down a few times. Sting gives him a faceplant and a Scorpion Death Drop. This gets him a 2-count.

Hardy reverses an irish whip and goes for a whisper, but Sting trips him and hits a REALLY nasty looking death drop from the second rope. Then he drags him into the middle of the ring and gives him another one. Hardy is dead. Pin.

Winner And NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Sting

The crowd pretty much loses it. Sting grabs the belt, and celebrates. Tenay wonders what Immortal will think about this. Hah. Roll credits.

Okay, so ASIDE from that very last match… and even that wasn’t THAT good… this was… definitively… THE worst episode of Impact I have ever seen. I know people will say I’m exaggerating. I’m not. I’m not at all. Okay, MAYBE it’s the second worst, MAYBE, but at the very least, right now it’s in contention with January 4th of last year for the worst episode ever. I can’t even analyze this. A show like this totally defies analysis.

So, this has been “That Being Said”.

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