Saturday Evening Post – 03.05.11 (WrestleMania 27, HHH, Cena, The Rock, CM Punk)

Hey, it’s FLEA and, now that it’s been confirmed, I’ll wrap up the rest of the WM 27 card.

Top 3 of 6 – Wrestlemania, Part II

In prior versions (two columns ago, catfish), we look at the top of the card, HHH vs. UT (streak for UT, maybe career for H), Cena vs. MIZ (Spinner belt) and Egde vs. Del Rio (World Championship). I’m going to try and time this out:

Give that WM runs four hours, that’s 3:45hrs of PPV time, give or take

HHH / UT…35 minutes (25 for the match), 10 for entrances.

Well, throw in 10 minutes for various promos, ads, celebrations, etc. Just to get us back on an even number

3:00

Cena / MIZ 30 minutes…20 for match, 10 for Rock-E

2:30

Egde / Del Rio…25 minutes (20 match 5 for Del Rio’s no doubt bitching entrance)

To hell with this. I hate math. My point is the top 3 are going to take a some time, so what’s left below may be rushed. In some cases, that will not be a bad idear. I didn;t even add in “America the Beautiful”

Also – I have a PAGE SIX today – Guest Column

Come on, let’s go

NUMBER ONE

C.M. Punk vs. Randy Orton

1) Hopefully this will be the start and not a blow off. Punk is finally getting Orton over as a babyface. I don’t think that’s the best idea, but they ever turn Punk face it’s going to be a bummer.

2) Orton’s challenge over the new few weeks is the remaining members of Nexus – Otunga and Reks. For people who do not understand Otunga – easy enough – Access to Hollywood. Reks I don;t care about a lttle and who gives a tough guy a name like “Tyler” anyway? Like naming yer boy Abbie Bundy

3) I hope this match gets time – like 15 – 18. It’s not a problem for either of them, but making this a 12 minute RAW style match would be dull. Unless it’s an Orton DQ. That would move he feud along, if that’s the direction

NUMBER TWO

John Morrison & Trish Stratus & Kelly Kelly vs. Dolph Ziggler & Layla & Michelle McCool.

1) Glad to see Morrison on the show, even if he is in a douchebag role. He and Ziggler should be fine, Trish will make it fun (but doens;t look good in HD, I;m told – save that extra HD PPV money for more beer)

2) I love McCool. Not only is she protected by being UT’s old lady, but she has a charm much different than all the others. I also enjoy Layla and think they make a fine team

3) Did Kelly Kelly ever learn to dance? Really, I lost track of her after the original (WWE version) of ECW. Here she is so we’ll figure something out, I guess. I can’t imagine those teeth looking good in HD, so maybe that’s another reason to go cheap

NUMBER THREE

Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson & Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel vs. Big Show & Kane & Kofi Kingston & Christian.

1) 8 minute RAW match. Kofi and Christian are always good. Hopefully they use the time alloted to get in some cool moves – everyone hits their finisher, leaving Zeke and Big Show

2) I say that because they do not appear to have any plans to move forward with Show / Barrett. Or maybe I’m missing something

3) If they let that codfish do a 450 and deny Lawler of a piledriver, fangol

NUMBER FOUR

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes, who may or may not be accompanied by Dusty Rhodes

1) At least Rey is with someone his own size

2) This will be a beer / cooking break. I love Rey, but come on

3) Guilty of Random Thoughts

NUMBER FIVE

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole with Jack Swagger in Cole’s corner as his trainer, and Steve Austin as referee.

1) Oh hell yeah. Lawler rules and Cole has been the best heel on any show for a year. “He’s annoying, blahr, blahr, blahr”. Served it’s porpoise now, didn’t it? Three fish references should win me a date with BOSS

2) Stunner for Swagger and a Piledriver for Cole. That’s how I see it. Beer Drinking afterwords and King might even score himself one of them 15 year old Cena fans for the night. I think that is legal in GA. Maybe Austin will find one that looks like his first wife and her twin sister, Deborah. Weirdos

3) As mentioned a few columns ago, I’d like to see Lawler screwed out of his WM match – meaning no match at all. It would be a great year long story. But Austin ain;t there just to hang out – we’ll go with number 2.

NUMBER SIX

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus. Gail Kim will be in Bryan’s corner and the Bellas will be in Sheamus’ corner.

1) RAW match. A few months ago, these guys were hot property. Not sure what happened, but he we are.

2) Both are really good and will make the most of it, but this match is fer sure not a priority.

3) Bryan and Sheamus should continue this one; maybe next time, it will mean something, but not on this show

PAGE SIX – FIVE PENNYS FOR A NICKEL BAG

1) Long Backstory here

2) I’ve made a gracious offer

3) Say your piece, grazi

* * * * * * * *

So, 5 Pennies for a Nickelbag? I don’t think the Pulse can tolerate 5 of me, especially if it equates to something that’ll remind them of Chad Kroeger.

Alright then. 5 Pennyisms.

Penny Sautereau-Fife theaerie@shaw.ca

1) Finally, the Rock, has remembered his flashcards!!!

Yes, the Rock is electrifying. He has a raw natural charisma that pumps a crowd. Even I’ve occasionally fallen victim to it and momentarily forgotten how bland he really is. His promos are cookie cutter. He only gets them over BECAUSE of the raw charisma. He’s Hogan 2.0. I mean, for years everyone talked about “The next Hulk Hogan” like they do for Shawn Micheals and all. Guys like Lex Luger were always held up as the successor but like Luger, everyone the fans or the feds wanted in the role bombed out. The Rock usurped it without anyone making the connection. Let’s compare.

Cheesy unimaginative catchphrases that would get you laughed out of a bar but somehow work in the ring because of charismatic delivery.

Middling to passable in-ring talent at best. The only area where the Rock has an edge on Hogan, but only just.

Weak-looking offensive crowd-popping move that would get you killed if tried in a dark alley but somehow the fans go nuts for.

Follows the exact same formula year after year rarely changing it up.

The Rock’s attempts to pwn Cena failed, big time, on a creative level, because they were childish, predictable, and unoriginal. They succeeded on an entertainment level only because the Rock has such natural charisma he could read a cornbread recipe on Raw and the crowd would still pop for it.

2) Available now for one night only while supplies last!

Cena’s old-school Thuganomics throwback still rings in my mind. It skirted the very edges of TV PG, it was crude and still creative, and unlike Rock’s paint-by-numbers singalongs, had a valid point. Oooooo wow, the Rock records a pity promo for Smack every two years. Oooo, he has a trophy case for his Jakks Pacific belt replicas. Oooo, he honest to god fer shure loves the busines….. that he left high and dry secen years ago to again be Hogan 2.0. Rock’s best parts have been supporting parts. When he’s the star, the movies are kinda bland. His bitching about “opening doors” is crap. Cena doesn’t WANT to be a movie star who once in a blue moon shows up at wrestling. He wants to be a wrestler who occasionally makes a silly movie on his time off. No doors opened there.

But Cena’s Thuganomics promo proved to everyone watching with an iota of common sense that Vince fucked up by nuetring him. When he went old-school, it was the first time in a long time that the WHOLE crowd was with him, rather than the 60/40 yay/boo quota as usual. But will Vince see that? Of course not. So we get bland immature funny guy Cena again to please all the little kiddies. And one stellar promo to remind us all how much better Cena could be with the reins cut.

3) The only TNA I care about is Abby Schuto.

I almost never talk about TNA, but there’s a reason for that. First off, Glazer asked me to avoid controversy by not getting too carried away ranting. Second, contrary to the bitching and moaning of certain frequent posters, I’m generally not a mean-spirited person and try to avoid outright shitting on anything unprovoked.

I cannot achieve either of these goals if I discuss TNA, because they’re just so goddamned fucking braindead it literally gives me migraines trying to follow their company. It’s a bloody miracle they haven’t gone under. They listen to the fans even less than WWE does. Losing the 6-sided ring for example was a hugely stupid judgement call. The fans tried to tell them so with chants that Hogan and Bischoff just laughed at and dismissed, because of course THEY know better than the fans what the fans want. They’ve reduced Samoa Joe to a complete joke. I don’t think even Vince at his creative best could salvage Joe in anything less than a year. AJ Styles isn’t faring much better. The roster is bogged down with completely useless has-been WWE cast-offs, Bischoff runs it like it’s WCW, Russo is STILL given WAY too much input, Angle is criminally misused like the TNA originals, they haven’t fired Flair despite his obviously being a huge liability now, and their attempts to cash on on Jersey Shore’s popularity shows just how out of touch they really are. Wrestling fans may not always be the sharpest knives in the drawer but they still in general are NOT the kind of people that could stomach watching Spaulding and her manwhore buddies be complete douchebags every week.

I gave up on TNA. In case anyone wonders why I never mention them unless they surprise me with something positive.

4) Weasels, an endangered species.

I’m going to bawl my ass off when Heenan dies. This is a fact. It’s GOING to happen. Bobby Heenan will die in the next 5 years and I will sob like a bitch.

We watched his DVD last night. Fran and I were in stitches for most of it. Heenan was utterly brilliant, fast on his feet with one-liners and quips, knew better than anyone alive what the fans wanted and how to give it to them. One example, (SPOILER ALERT!!!) is how the Weasel chant actually got started. Okerlund interviewed him and accused him of weaelling out of something. The crowd didn’t start chanting weasel, but instantly Heenan realized they should be, because it would create an bigger connection between him and them to sell tickets to see him get smacked around. So without missing a step, Heenan accused Okerlund of encouraging the humanoids to chant Weasel, because he “heard” a few do so even though none had, but the crowd didn’t notice and jumped on the bait like catfish, and Heenan only aggrivated it by telling them to stop what they weren’t even doing until HE tricked them into it.

THAT my friends, is fucking brilliance.

Wrestling will never see another like Heenan.

5) Guyliner Versus Cement shoes.

I’m one of the few people not terribly looking forward to Taker and Triple H at Mania. I wasn’t terribly impressed with Sheamus’ total burial Monday either. The sad thing is, I used to be a huge Undertaker mark in my teens. I marked huge for Mark. But he’s done in. He’s well past his prime. He’s beaten up and broken down and he just can’t go anymore. HBK at WM 26 was his last great match. He’s too bogged down by nagging unhealing injuries. Granted Kane’s not a 5 star opponent but Taker’s matches against hm were painful to watch this past fall.

Normally I’d think “Well, if he just has a good opponent like Shawn, he can pull one last rabbit out of his hat, have a good match, and finally retire with dignity before fully lapsing into Hogan/Flair territory. He needs to be a Shawn, not a Ric. And normally I’d think Triple H was just the kind of guy who could drag that one last 5 star match out of Taker.

But Paul isn’t doing much better. He too is plagued by a myriad of nagging injuries. He too is getting old. He’s a father, Vince is grooming him to take over in Shane’s place, his peiorities have shifted. Triple H too is on the cusp of retirement.

My hope is that, knowing this may be the last chance both men have to create an amazing memorable MOTY candidate, a huge Wrestlemania moment, and steal the show, they’ll both pull out all the stops and bust their asses to do so. But with both their asses already so busted, it’s only hope.

I just hope they surprise me.

Well there you go FLEA. A full of Penneh Nickelbag. Feel free to smoke at your liesure.

And as a Canadian, I’m so, so, SOOOOO very sorry for Nickelback. Celine Dion we unleashed on you as revenge for stealing Shatner. Even WE wouldn’t be cruel enough to INTENTIONALLY inflict Chad and his drinking buddies on ANYONE.

* * * * * * * *

thanks for reading, I’m FLEA

ryderfakin@yahoo.com

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,