For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 3/7/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 3/7/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, passionately involved yet coolly detached column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I am your host Andrew Wheeler, and it’s another stop on the increasingly clichéd Road to Wrestlemania.

Before I get down to business, I just wanted to take a moment to wish Mark Allen best of luck in his future endeavors. First Raffi, now Mark. Some of the guys who have carried the load here at PulseWrestling are moving on, and they will be missed. Mark’s “This Week in E” column was always a favorite by every visitor of the site, and I for one am going to miss it. I remember when I was the new guy here on the site (going back four years now), and somehow I became one of the old workhorses hanging around the Pulse. Don’t worry, I don’t have that feeling that I’m getting too old for this shit, so put down your Murtaugh lists. Good luck Mark, and hopefully you’ll find your way back here someday.

Alright, enough sappy nonsense. Some folks got on me last week claiming that I downright don’t like the WWE product. No, see someone who doesn’t like the product won’t watch it. Or, someone will watch it and absolutely rip it to shreds without finding any redeeming value. Back when I started (I know I’m still on this nostalgia kick) I did a weekly Thursday column that would reflect on the week that was. By doing this show now as a live commentary, my ability to reflect is incredibly difficult. As such, the bulk of what I put out are the kinds of comments (some may say snarky, I’ll go with urbane) I would make sitting with my friends watching the shows. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy wrestling (even when there are stupid things that make my head hurt). It’s funny how I went from the WWE homer on the site to the guy always badmouthing RAW despite not changing my shtick, but I’ll live with it. Besides, I love doing this column and based on the feedback people seem to enjoy what I do.

With that said, remember you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook, or just post your feedback in the comments section down below. We’ve got a big night of RAW ahead, so without further ado…

The RAW Judicial Review for 3/7/11

“Yessir we promised you a great main event here tonight.”

We open with a Triple H video package, which included footage of Hunter’s awesome bow. Say what you want about his original gimmick, the guy could come across as a pompous ass. Speaking of which, it’s interesting that the company conveniently edited out his burial of the entire locker-room.

Coming out of the video package is NOT Nickelback, but in fact The Undertaker’s gong. Even better, we get some Johnny Cash, which may be in the running for best entrance music of all time. Who knew a banjo would indicate badassness? Who knew I would make up such a terrible word as badassness?

Undertaker walks slowly down the aisle through a ring of fire (okay, it was just his regular fireballs, but let’s play along). He climbs into the ring and the audience is in that “hushed awe”, which is a polite way to say it’s pretty quiet.

Taker says at Wrestlemania two legends will collide, but enough about Cole and Lawler. In the end, there can only be one Last Highlan…Outlaw. Undertaker says that the word on the street is that the streak will be broken. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Taker would get word from “the street”? I don’t see him being a “streets” kinda guy.

Undertaker says “King of Kings” like Dusty Rhodes for some reason as he says that the folks from the streets think Hunter has what it takes to beat him. Taker reminds him and everyone else that Shawn Michaels couldn’t beat him. We get ANOTHER video package, this time showing Taker beating Shawn Michaels in a purple haze. Either that was post production or they wrestled in an OutKast music video.

Undertaker promises no regrets. That’s his motto. Well, that and everybody Wang Chung tonight. Taker makes it a no holds barred match. He will see no evil. He will go 12 rounds. Hunter entering the ring makes him a knucklehead. This match will be legendary. Marine.

So basically either Taker will die or Hunter will die trying. At Wrestlemania, Undertaker promises that Triple H will rest in peace. I liked this promo the first time I heard it when he was talking about Kama.

Oh, and some guy named Steve Austin is on tonight.

We cut to the back and Randy Orton is laying waste to PuNexus until Mason Ryan rams Randy into a steel door. That door is dented pretty badly. Randy is moaning and wailing, though he sounds like the Berzerker. Punk rams his head into the steel a few more times after promising to pretty much kill him. CM Punk then lifts him up and hits a GTS. Punk tells Mason Ryan and David Otunga to drag Orton to the ring, which is one of the few spots those two can’t botch.

Commercial.

We’re back and Orton is indeed in the ring. Kudos to Ryan and Otunga for not fucking that one up. Punk is grinding his knee into Randy’s neck until finally some referees run out. What were they doing during the break? Were they that transfixed by an Arbys commercial?

Otunga demands a match but the ref tells him there will be no match. Randy slowly tries to rise to his feet as he demands that the bell be rung.

David Otunga v. Randy Orton

Otunga jumps Orton, who is rocking a ripped t-shirt. He’s like the 21st Century Brooklyn Brawler. David slams Randy to the mat for a two-count as Josh Matthews reminds us that PuNexus straight-up murdered him for the past several minutes. Otunga hits the Sloppy Slam, but that only gets two. Well, that finisher is absolutely dead.

Randy slowly rises up like a zombie and then hits the RKO for the pin. Mason Ryan runs (well, trots) out to the ring and boots Randy in the face. It has not been a good day to be Randy’s skull. Ryan holds Orton up so Randy just busts out an RKO for him. Punk runs down but stays on the outside. I guess Randy believes that the ring mats are made of lava or something.

Orton opts to leave Punk alone and kick David Otunga in the skull, sending him to the Weight Watchers in the sky. Hey, remember when Nexus was the most feared stable in the world? Me neither.

We get a replay and sweet Jebus Orton kicked him right in the skull. I’d be worried that some brain cells were lost, but who are we kidding? It’s shocking that guy got a law degree in the first place. With all of the PuNexus guys getting bumped off, I feel like I’m watching the series finale.

Commercial.

We’re back with a replay of Alex Riley and John Cena in a main event. That was the WWE’s equivalent of a Double Rainbow, as we’ll never see that again. Oh, and for the one guy who was confused last week, John Cena won.

There are some shots of Dallas Texas as we find out that The Miz will NOT be on RAW tonight. He said via Twitter that he will boycott the show.

Here comes…Christian? Zuh? Hope no one told Kevin Dunn he was gonna be on.

Christian v. Alberto Del Rio w/ Brodus Clay

Holy Hell, when did one of the members of the band Gorillaz join Del Rio? Alberto Del Rio reminds us what his name is, but he’s being all presumptuous that we were aware of that. Del Rio reminds us that he will be the next World Champion. Oh, and he and Christian are “gonna fight, but not tonight.” Apparently he’s big into rhyming. In order to fight Christian, he has to beat Brodus Clay.

Christian v. Brodus Clay

Brodus Clay slams Christian down and then steps on him. Clay backs Christian into the ropes and wails on him. Christian slides through his legs but gets flattened by a headbutt. Clay drops some elbows as Del Rio awesomely just stands there and points.

Brodus locks in a nerve hold on the pectoral muscle. Clay connects with an overhead throw and tries for an avalanche but Christian rolls out of the way. Christian hits two dropkicks off the turnbuckles but Clay no-sells the pin.

Christian starts to clap, which means either he’s got the Holy Spirit or he wants to hit the Killswitch. Brodus, who apparently isn’t deaf, just turns around and clotheslines him. Christian hits a second rope Tornado DDT for the pin. Wow, Christian won. I guess Kevin Dunn skipped this week’s production meeting.

Del Rio jumps Christian and pounds on him with his tallis. Alberto again points to the Wrestlemania sign, as if he thinks that “going to Wrestlemania” means physically going to that sign. Alberto locks in the Cross Armbreaker and follows that up with some fairly effeminate kicks.

We re-live The Rock’s promo as we head to…

Commercial.

Randy Orton is in a K-Mart commercial where he’s sitting on a family’s kitchen table. You can tell he’s grown as a person by not shitting on it.

We’re back with a Sin Cara video package that makes him look like a big deal. I’m shocked and pleased.

Our next Hall of Fame inductee is Sunny. She deserves this honor simply for getting most of us through puberty.

We go from a legendary Diva to…Eve. She heads down to the ring as we go to…

Commercial.

When did Eve get strong enough of a character to keep us tuned through a commercial break?

We’re back and we relive the atrocious Diva Battle Royal from last week. I figured the WWE would want to erase that match from existence.

Gail Kim is ringside for some reason stroking Eve’s hair like she was a horse. Odd.

Tramp Stamp Title: Eve Torres v. Nikki Bella

I love how the Bella Twins now do a “heel” spin. Nikki points menacingly at Eve but gets wrapped up in an aggressive tie-up. Eve rams Nikki into the turnbuckle ten or eleven times, which is a move she clearly has perfected. Eve goes for a kick that misses by a country mile but Nikki still had the wherewithal to sell it.

Nikki drapes Eve across the second rope and chokes the life out of her and what was left of the audience. Nikki now hair-hauls her for two. Nikki then just stands on her hair.

Cole stands up and demands that the match end now because he wants to reveal who the ref is. While this is happening, Nikki has a resthold locked in. Nikki drives Eve’s head into the mat and peppers her with forearms.

Eve hits a modified flash kick so the Bellas try “twin magic” but for the first time ever the ref catches it. Eve kicks Nikki in the stomach and hits Overdrive for the pin. My guess is Cole is going to “get his” from the Divas. Either that or this just seems cruel, even to me.

Cole, dressed in a white suit like Col. Sanders, says that he is going to announce the referee in his match, after a…

Commercial.

Why is Cyclops in an Easter Bunny movie?

Next week Snooki will host RAW. This is the first time a rat has ever hosted RAW. Hope the Wellness Policy doesn’t test for STDs.

Michael Cole is in the ring and he demands our attention. But to be fair, he said please. He has the contract in his hand, which, speaking as a lawyer, is something that wouldn’t normally happen.

Cole says that he’s spoken to the referee and he promises that the man will be impartial. His pick is a former WWE Champion, a true legend and one of the most iconic men in WWE history. Oh, he’s also a legendary Texan. I wish it were JBL.

Michael Cole starts an “Austin” chant before he says that everyone are fools. His referee is JBL. I love that (a) I was right and (b) they played this perfectly.

JBL says that upon his return people would understand him abandoning Texas for New York. He says that this is more important than the fans. JBL says he’s proud to be going to Wrestlemania in the main event.

JBL says that he saw Lawler mistreat Michael Cole for years and he hates bullies (this, kids, is called irony). Bradshaw is proud of Cole and he promises to be impartial despite being able to buy everyone (cough13THAmendmantcough). He is a man of integrity. As he’s about to sign, some glass breaks.

Out comes some shrunken guy who kinda looks like Steve Austin. He yells at Cole and JBL before stunning Layfield. Austin puts on the cowboy hat and drinks some beer. Austin pours one of the beers on JBL.

Steve Austin grabs the contract as Michael Cole cries like a child. Austin demands a “Hell Yeah” from the fans, which I guess is adequate consideration. Steve signs the contract and then asks for more beer.

He rolls out of the ring and pours more beer over Michael Cole’s head, and Cole just looks like a little lost puppy. Maybe he’ll find his Lorraine, but for now it’s back…to the locker-room.

Steve and JBL toast one another and Austin hits another Stunner (though JBL forgot to sell the kick). SwAngle shows up at the top of the ramp, which makes me wonder where the hell he was this whole time.

Commercial.

Cole and SwAngle are in the back recapping what happened in the ring. SwAngle tells Cole to focus and asks him to put his trust in Kurt SwAngle.

Out comes Jerry Lawler, who I guess was standing around in the back because he read the script and knew Cole was going to get screwed over?

Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus

Sheamus isn’t rocking his King Rib gimmick, so I guess that was killed when he was buried by Triple H.

Sheamus stomps on Bryan in the corner before launching him across the ring. Sheamus connects with a double-axe handle and goes for a short-arm clothesline but Bryan blocks with a dropkick. Daniel Bryan hits a second one and knocks Sheamus to the outside. Sheamus grabs his ankle as if he’s hurt and gets counted out. Weak. Sauce.

Sheamus grabs a microphone and says he’s been on a losing streak, but that’ll change next week when he becomes the U.S. Champion. Sheamus says if he can’t beat Daniel Bryan for the title, he’ll quit. Hopefully he won’t go to the place Bryan went for his spray tan.

Commercial.

CM Punk v. Resurrection-Truth

Oh good, Truth gets to rap again. That gets cut off with a replay from earlier.

Truth goes for a quick roll-up for two so Punk responds by ramming his shoulder into the steel ringpost. Punk grabs an armbar, but Truth waives his hand in the air, which gives him mystical powers. Truth fires back with some punches and tries a corner leap but his arm gives out and almost gets caught with a GTS. Truth breaks free and connects with a kick for two.

Punk drops Truth’s arm across the top rope and hits a modified Rock Bottom before locking in the Anaconda Vice for the submission.

After the match, Punk has Mason Ryan hit Truth with a shoulderbreaker. Truth sells it like he’s going into labor as Ryan points out “that’s what you get.” The Big Masonski?

We get part two of the Shawn video package. He blows Hunter, which gives us a shot of Triple H really into winning the European Title. Shawn says the evolution of Triple H is hard to describe. No it isn’t. Steroids. See, did it in one word. Shawn talks about Hunter having no remorse as we see him flattening Goldberg. Take that, Bill.

Vickie Guerrero is out, and I can’t believe she got by security.

Commercial.

Did you know last week RAW beat a show about a pawn shop?

Vickie yells excuse me before introducing Dolph Ziggler to the RAW roster. Enjoy wrestling Evan Bourne on Superstars for the next few months.

Dolph Ziggler v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison

So not only is Ziggler on RAW, but he’s also already booked on a match? Damn, that Vickie is good.

Dolph takes out Morrison’s knee at the start of the match, sending John out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Dolph has a resthold locked in on Morrison. Morrison then catapults Dolph into the corner before connecting with a clothesline. He hits a spinning heel kick and connects with the spinning neckbreaker for two.

Dolph blinds Morrison behind the ref’s back and hits the ZigZag for the pin. The GMail goes off so Lawler reads it. And I paraphrase…Dolph was hired but not Vickie. She’s a very polarizing figure, but she can have a job on RAW, if she wins her match next week…against Trish Stratus.

Security now shows up to escort Vickie out of the ring. Jerry “Casual Male” Lawler and Josh “Mini-Orton” Matthews throw us yet again to The Rock’s promo.

Before we fade to commercial, we get more from The Chaperone. Oy.

Commercial.

So the main event is John Cena talking. We opened with talking and we’ll close with talking. I guess if you want to see wrestling, you better order Wrestlemania.

We’re back and here…comes…Cena. He gets a decent pop as the cameramen try to find the hottest women in the crowd.

Cena starts by sucking up to Texas. He says that The Rock is mad at him. The fans alternate by chanting FOR The Rock and AGAINT Cena. John likes when The Rock makes fun of him for looking like cereal and doing an impression.

The Rock got mad at Cena because John addressed him in rap. Good thing it wasn’t iambic pentameter or he would have tried to kill his family. This week he’s addressing it in hip hop and one guy audibly yells “You still suck.”

John starts to rap and says ass. He mocks The Rock’s sunglasses and him not showing up on RAW. This devolves into a joke about The Rock masturbating before calling him a…sigh…Yabba Dabba Disgrace.

Cena is glad this is over because he wants to give him a pearl necklace. They then resort to wacky pictures. It’s almost like Cena’s intentionally throwing this. He pulls out a shirt that says “I Bring It Via Satellite.”

Cena says that this was like bringing a knife to a gunfight. John turns around and gets laid out by The Miz. Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. He plasters Cena with the belt again as he does his Jericho distant stare.

The Miz tells Cena that he and The Rock disrespected him. Miz raps about how he’s better than Miss Elizabeth and some other people. Miz introduces himself to The Rock by saying he’s the WWE Champion and the star of Wrestlemania. The Rock is only the host, so he should know his role and be the best Ryan Seacrest he can be. If The Rock has the guts to show up, he’ll stick things up his ass. He’s The Miz and he’s…interrupting his own promo to deliver another SCF. Miz follows this up with a People’s Elbow.

Awesome.

This has been for your consideration.

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