That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for 03.10.2011 – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

All right, TNA. You win. It’s over. I give up. TNA is awesome and the best wrestling fed that exists today, and is also better than any fed that existed in the past or could ever exist in the future. Hulk Hogan is still relevant and not a joke. Ric Flair is so not a shell of his former self. I’m totally ready to get behind would-be axe murderer Kurt Angle. Ken Anderson is the future. Matt Morgan is the DNA of TNA. I’m totally going to “like” TNA on Facebook and I’m totally going to “follow” TNA on my Twitter. There. I said it. Can you please stop shitting all over us now?

Oh yeah. Welcome to “That Being Said”, your weekly Inside Pulse recap of WCWNA ThunderPact. Thanks to the few people who signed up for my Twitter. Remember to go to www.twitter.com/BlairADouglas if you want to listen to my inane rambling on a more daily basis.

Counter-Comment

So I want to thank everyone for the comments last week. It’s nice to know that the near-aneurism wasn’t for nothing. Not a lot of specific feedback on the contents of the show though, which I have to say makes perfect sense. What do you say to a show that forces you to know the boundaries of your gag reflex THAT well?

Steven Gepp: So am I the only one who thought it (the Sting video tease from 2 weeks ago) was like the sequel to the Sting promo at the start of Starrcade 1997? (Hang on, does mentioning that show get me banned from the IWC, even though I wrote a whole column on it here at Pulse?)
Blair: I actually did think that at the beginning, until they copied the WWE date lettering. I’m not a guy with a great memories for promos, but I remember loving that Starcade one.

Steven Gepp: Is Jersey Shore actually popular? If so, why?
Blair: If I were you, I wouldn’t ask questions I didn’t really want the answers to.

Darryl The Hitman: Impact was very good. Karen Angle is beautiful. I want to see Rob Terry in a speedo!
Blair: No it wasn’t, no she isn’t, and… okay. At least TNA delivers you something that you’re looking for on a weekly basis. Not a lot of people can say that.

elvylanda: BEST. IMPACT. EVER!!!
Blair: This is how you can tell the TNA bots / Eric Bischoff’s interns are running out of gas. They’ll just say the show was good without any supporting evidence.

Jeremy Spoke In…..: The Sting vs. Hardy match was basically a squash – they spent months building Jeff Hardy as a top heel and they destroyed all that so called build up in about 5 minutes.
Blair: A chance to stick up for TNA and show everyone I’m not just a completely jaded rage case! This never happens! Holy shit! Okay, here we go – in my opinion, you can criticize the match on a lot of levels… except for the one you mentioned. For one, Hardy did get a signifigant amount of offense in, without outside help. For another, 5  minute matches are pretty much the standard for wrestling TV shows these days, sadly. For another, that 5 minute match WAS the longest match on the psychological experiment known as last week’s Impact.

I did like the death drop that Sting gave Hardy off the second rope. That looked rough. But yeah, it still sucked. I’m not saying it didn’t. For the record, I don’t like 5 minute matches either, especially title matches. I’m sure they would have given it more time… but, you know… Hulk Hogan.

Lazor Lopez: I enjoyed Impact. I think people want to criticize TNA for anything and everything.
Blair: There it is again. WHAT did you enjoy about it? Explain it to me.

Lazor Lopez: Mr. Douglas, when I said that Bischoff made millions in WCW and WWE. By the WWE I mean, he signed a big deal with that company to become an on-air character. It’s not like the WWE paid him chicken scratch to work for them. He was probably making more that the lower card wrestlers at the time and his contract was probably garanteed.
Blair: First, how exactly does that cover WCW? Second, your point was that he was somehow good at booking and was a huge success in the business, which you did while trying to counter a point that I never made. So, you’ve completely lost me now. I assume you concede to all my other points about Bischoff.

Lazor Lopez: And he still gets some royalties form the “controversey creates cash” book that he wrote for the WWE.
Blair: That book was being sold on WWE ShopZone for a dollar last year. Eric Bischoff was trying on his Twitter to get people to buy it.

Lazor Lopez: I just thought about this: TNA should just get rid of the X-Division and all the small crusierweight wrestlers on their roster. TNA has a great group of heavyweight wrestlers: Rob Terry Scott Steiner Matt Morgan Hernandez. Are these guys great wrestlers? Hell no, not by the least but they are big; they are marketable and are BIG. I think fans are willing to pay to see larger than life pro wrestlers than small, average heigt “guy next door” type of performer. Look at Big Poppa Pump. Fans were excited to see him. he received a tremondous response. WWE rehired Kevin friggin Nash! Why? He is still BIG! Peace!
Blair: I don’t even know what to say to this one. Yeah, that’d make a ton of money. Let Matt Morgan and Scott Steiner axe handle each other to death. WINNING.

Bullet Points

  • I watched “Faster” when I was sick on the weekend. It actually wasn’t terrible.
  • Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart trashing each other is basically like a bowl of shit staring in the mirror at itself.
  • Anyone else think Cena is somewhat throwing these latest Rock promos on purpose in order to get people to not turn on Rock for not being there? It’s just a thought I had, but you gotta believe they’re couting on Rock for a large portion of the WrestleMania buyrate…
  • RAW was terrible again on Monday. The Austin thing was the only thing the least bit watchable.
  • SNOOKI on RAW?!?! COME ON!!!
  • TNA has a PPV lined up for this Sunday. Do they even have any matchs lined up yet??? Wow, that’s just terrible.

Introduction

So Sting is now the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. We have to assume that nWo Immortal (which is now a MUCH more relevant comparison with Sting as champion) will have something up their sleeves. We can only hope that Lex Luger shows up to back up Sting. I also can’t wait to get behind would-be axe murderer Kurt Angle. Is there some Jersey madness going on tonight too? I can’t wait to totally not recap that again.

“The Return Of The Icon”

They’re in an arena again this week. Here’s my chance to say something nice about TNA again. They should stick with running arenas as often as they possibly can. That Impact Zone is terrible on so many levels. Although, I think they just taped two shows last week, so don’t give them too much credit.

The Aftermath Of Starcade ’97

Sting comes out. He says he’s accomplished a lot of good and bad things. He says that since the very first time he stepped into the ring, it seems like the people have supported him every step of the way, which is pretty much true, to be fair. He thanks the fans. He also thanks Jeff Hardy despite the fact that he’s with Hogan and Bischoff. But he also says that Jeff Hardy and the 5 minute match he had with him was one of the best of his career, and this makes Jeff Hardy one of the best opponents he’s ever faced. Uh… okay. He says that when Hardy gets his head screwed on straight, he’d love to face him again.

nWo Immortal music hits. Hogan and Bischoff come out clapping. Hogan says it’s good to see him again, but he said that he knew that some way or somehow, that Hogan and Sting would be in the same ring again, where it all started. Hogan says he gives Sting credit for realizing what he and Bischoff were actually doing, even if no one listened to him. He says that because no one believed him, Hogan got all the power in TNA. Except for the fact that the network runs this show now. But anyway, Hogan says Sting took his ball and went home. Hogan says the fans don’t need a hero, because they’ve already got Hogan. People boo.

Sting says that he quit and went home, but that he didn’t quit on the people. He says that he quit so that he wouldn’t have to deal with Hogan and Bischoff, but the longer he sat at home, the longer the fire started to burn in him. The same kind of fire he had when he fired Ric Flair, the first time he stepped in the ring with Hogan. So he’s not going anywhere. He says he’s got another job to do, to take back what was never Hogan’s to begin with. Great promo from Sting.

Mr. Anderson’s music hits. He comes down all fired up. He says he loves coming out to cut them off. He says he must not have spoken clearly enough when he says he wants his rematch. He rambles, and it’s not funny, or creative, or even passable. It’s terrible. Then he rags on Jeff Hardy. Then he says that now he wants Sting, because Sting has the belt. He doesn’t care what Hogan or Bischoff or the network wants. He cares about himself. He rambles again. Man, Anderson is terrible most of the time. Anyway, he rambles some more, and says his name, and “asshole”. How could Vince have ever gotten rid of this gem?

Now Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He introduces himself and says that North Carolina can kiss his ass. He says he was robbed last week because he had no chance to prepare for his opponent. He tells Anderson that the line for World Title shots starts behind him.

Now Rob Van Dam’s terrible music hits, and he comes down. RVD says that this all started when he never lost the world title and Jeff Hardy tried to have him killed by Abyss. Um… where is Abyss? He says that a few weeks ago, he would have won the world title if Anderson hadn’t been the special guest referee. He asks Sting where he’s been, and asks why he gets to call the shots after being gone for 4 months.

Hogan interupts and says that he calls the shots around here. (Hello? Network?) Bischoff says that he sees an opportunity. He says that tonight, we are having a tag-team match. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson will face Rob Van Dam and Sting. How is that such a smart plan? How does that help their man, Jeff Hardy?

Oh man, now girls are in the back talking over each other. They talk. I can’t hear anything. I don’t know what’s going on. The lesbian ghost is here. There’s lots of hands thrown in faces and the word “skank” and “bitch” is also thrown around a lot. Shocking, I know. Let’s see if any of my crew know what’s going on:
Crystal: Why is this spanish chick with the jersey ho? And why is that chick wearing a skunk on her tits?
Swayze: None of these questions can be answered.
Crystal: WHAT IS GOING ON ALREADY???
Yob: I didn’t understand any of that.
Swayze: Is it not what they say?
Crystal: WHY ARE THERE MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS???
Yob: Maybe she’s saying her tits stink?
Crystal: That shirt or scarf that chick in black was wearing. What the fuck was that?
Swayze: They were crossing the line, my dude.
Guess not.

Samoa Joe (w/ Kato) .vs. The Pope

A match only 20 minutes in? I’m impressed. I mean, it’s a match proving that anyone who paid to see this exact thing on PPV is a moron. But still. Pope sneaks up behind Oddjob through the crowd and knocks him out with the chain. Good thing they brought him out there then. Pope tries to jump Joe, but it doesn’t work. Joe pounds him in the corner. Joe throws Pope into the corner and kicks him really, really hard. He lines him up and gives him some more strikes, and an irish whip. Pope reverses and lands a kick and a throat shot. Joe powers back up and gives him the mule kick and the backsplash. Joe sends Pope into the corner and then Pope eats a powerslam. 2 count.

Pope begs off, but Joe isn’t buying it and punches him in the face. He sends Pope on the rope. Pope reverses, and hits a clothesline for two. Pope goes to the corner, nad tries to pull the turnbuckle off. The referee sees it, and does nothing. Pope tries to send Joe into the corner, but Joe reverses and hits a great exploder t-bone suplex.Pope grabs his chain. Now the referee goes for the turnbuckle, and Pope hits Joe with the chain. Pin. HA. Seriously?

Winner: The Pope

Bully Ray is walking down the hallway. Someone asks him where he’s going. He threatens whoever asks the question to get out of his way, and asks why Tommy Dreamer had to get involved in his business. He says he’s going to the parking lot and he wants Tommy to meet him out there. Didn’t he already do this with D-Von? Why would Tommy fall into this obvious trap?

TNA Knockouts Ladies Championship
Madison Rayne (w/ Tara) .vs. Roxxi

Now it’s called the Knockouts Ladies Championship? That’s what the announcer said. Ahahahahaha. Madison says that the reason it’s called the Knockouts division is because she knocks people out. She says she has another open challenge. Someone named Roxxi comes out. Roxxi? Mike Tenay says that she is hardcore and has been here before. I’ll have to take his word for it.

Anyway, Madison is all over whoever Roxxi is. Roxxi starts giving some vicious boob punches before crotching herself on the rope unneccesarily. Madison charges, but eats a spinebuster from Rixxi. Madison with a chinberaker, but Roxxi sneaks up from behind with a rollup. She starts to do… something… followed by some kind of move where Roxxi falls on Madison’s leg? Okay, fine, whatever. Pin. HA! That was the lamest finisher I’ve ever seen, even in a chick match.

Winner And Still TNA Knockouts Ladies Champion: Madison Rayne

Madison starts beating Roxxi some more. HARDCORE COUNTRY!!! Mickie James comes back and chases her off. The announcers sell this as a big return. Mickie has been gone like 3 weeks.

Tommy Dreamer is yelling at Bully Ray, but Bully is not there. He walks back into the parking lot and yells at the camera, mistaking it for Bully. He says he’s ready to fight.

Well, at least they’ve had some actual matches this week, I’ll give them that. Unfortunately, the matches they’ve had have been terrible. Joe and Pope was okay, I guess, but those two should be having better matches. Granted, the stellar buildup TNA has given them has hurt that “feud” a lot. I guess it’s better than last week, but last week was like a 2-hour dick-punch.

Hulk Hogan breaking that Rent-A-Center sign must be CGI. Must be.

Bully Ray is walking around the parking lot yelling for Dreamer. D-Von comes up from behind and starts beating his ass, so surely security will be here to stop him any moment. D-Von starts yelling about his kids and slams Ray into a truck a few times. He’s just totally kicking Ray’s ass. Ray gets up and starts running, but D-Von catches him and slams him into a railing. D-Von grabs a chain and Ray begs for mercy. D-Von yells that he begged Ray not to hurt his kids and beats his ass with the chain repeatedly. Then D-Von goes and gets a construction mallett. Ray swears. Dreamer shows up and tries to talk him out of it and says that he will go to jail. WHAT?!?! How will D-Von go to jail and Ray hasn’t yet?!?! Ah, TNA logic. D-Von calls Ray a bitch and Dreamer walks him off.

Ray gets up a few seconds later because apparently, he was just playing. Then he beats a security guard down, then hits him with a railing. No one helps him, because the security guard is white, and therefore not D-Von’s responsability.

6-Person Ladies Tag-Team Match
Sarita, Cookie, & Angelina .vs. Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, & Winter

The announcers’ match descriptions are odd this week. Anyway, the match starts and…

Winners: The Fans

They recap Bart Scott and Kurt Angle. Oh, please don’t tell me they’re going with this. Now fighting a linebacker is more important than killing the man who destroyed his family?

Mr. Anderson is with Hardy and Hogan and Bischoff. Anderson is yelling at Hardy and Hogan and Bischoff. Bischoff tries to talk him down and explains that if he takes out Hardy, that he’s alone out there with RVD and Sting. Then Anderson leaves and Hogan says “strictly business” a few times.

3-Way Street Fight
Ric Flair .vs. COLD BLOOD .vs. AJ Styles

They’re actually running matches tonight, so I suppose I shouldn’t ask what the fuck this bullshit match is supposed to be. Ric Flair comes out in a suit with Matt Hardy, who is also in street clothes. Flair calls AJ down to the ring, so he does. Flair says that they paid to look at it, not talk to it and he hopes that Flair country is grabbing AJ by the balls. AJ says that Flair is in TNA, the house that AJ Styles built… and people boo him. HA!!! Flair then tells AJ that he built this town and that he slept with everyone in the arena’s mom. He says he “fertilized Fayetteville”. Then he asks AJ to kiss his ass. AJ tells him to shut up. People are dead silent. This is not good. AJ says he doesn’t have all night. Matt Hardy asks if AJ was going to say something corny? What the fuck? Matt Hardy says that AJ doesn’t know what he’s been through and that he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. He babbles, I’m not sure where he’s going and it’s irrelevant. He’s going goth and talking about “the system” now. AJ says he doesn’t like Matt or his brother, and knocks Hardy down.

So they advertised this as a 3-way street fight earlier. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work. I can’t be fucked to change the title, this is how they advertised it and it’s not my fault they have a consistency problem. The announcers are confused as to the match too. Flair does get in the ring and throws some kicks after the commercial. AJ rolls out of the way of the elbow a few times, and tosses COLD BLOOD out of the ring. Flair catches a kick from AJ, but eats an enziguri. AJ them stomps Flair, and puts the figure-four on Flair. Matt Hardy gives AJ a legdrop from the second rope, and htis two. Flair rolls out of the ring.

Matt beats AJ down. He tosses AJ outside the ring, and Flair gives him some chops. This is a Street Fight, so there’s no reason Fortune couldn’t be helping him here. Seriously, this is illogical. AJ tosses Hardy up the ramp, and AJ busts Flair open. Hardy from behind with the garbage can, and he tosses AJ into the ramp. Matt rolls AJ into the ring. Hardy is getting a ladder from under the ring. The crowd goes apeshit, and I can’t wait until Matt talks about that pop on his Twitter. Matt hits AJ with the ladder. Hardy tries to send AJ into the set-up ladder, but AJ reverses and Hardy goes flying into it.

Flair comes in, and hits AJ from behind. He gives AJ some punches, then AJ gives Flair some punches and another 10 punches on the turnbuckle. Flair pushes him off, punches Flair, and takes the Flair bump – nice touch. Matt Hardy from behind, and he hits a side effect. 2-count. I thought that was it for sure, thank goodness it wasn’t. Hardy misses an elbow drop. Flair grabs a chair, but AJ kicks him in the gut. AJ with chops to Flair in the corner, and eventually AJ is fighting them both off. AJ hits a pele kick on Matt Hardy and sets up a chair. He gets ready to give Hardy the Styles Clash on the chair, but Flair hits a low blow. Matt Hardy hits the Twist Of Hate on the chair. Flair pins.

Winner: Ric Flair

Well, that wasn’t too bad, if a little illogical.

Sting comes in and apologizes to RVD, and says that he thought RVD was part of Immortal since Hogan brought him in. RVD tells him that makes no sense given what happened to him. Which is true. Sting says that he was wrong, and he is sorry. Rob Vam Dam tells Sting that he’s sorry too, and walks off.

Do they have any matches lined up for Sunday yet? Of course not. Another match?!?! I’m in disbelief.

Generation ME .vs. Ink Inc.

Beer Money come out for commentary as the match starts. Jeremy and Shannon start, knocking each other down until Max hits Shannon from the apron. Jeremy hits him with a facebuster from the apron. Max tags himself in adn then back out after a turnbuckle shot. Jeremy with a slingshot dropkick. Jeremy with a spinkick, tags in Max for a 1-count. Who tags someone in to pin? Shannon starts fighting up, but Max kicks him back down. Max with a sleeper on Shannon. People are chanting for Shannon, who fights out of the sleeper only to get knocked down again by Max. Shannon with a surprise rollup gets 1. A lot of near-falls, not a lot of actual offense.

Shannon fights off both Gen ME guys and tries a rollup, and tries to tag but it doesn’t work until he tries it again. Jesse Neal is now in, and hits a backdrop on Max. Slingshot bodypress by Neal on Max gets 2. Then Jesse hits a front suplex on Jeremy. He charges Max, but Max hits him with a superkick. Jeremy tries to toss Max into me, but Jesse spears Max mid-air. Nice spot. They toss Max out of the ring, and Ink Inc. hit their finish on Jeremy.

Winners: Ink Inc.

Shannon gets on the mic and yells at Beer Money, talking about the book of DILLIGAF. James Storm gives his catchphrase, and we’re done.
Swayze: Shannon Moore may be imbred.

Jeff Hardy comes into Anderson’s locker room and stares deeply into his eyes. They say nothing. It’s awkward. Hardy asks if Anderson is going to betray him. How can you betray something that you hated less than 2 hours ago? Hardy tries to sell Anderson on the fact that Anderson needs him. Anderson says he’s illogical, and tries to cut a good promo, but as usual, it doesn’t work. His “asshole” schtick is tired and useless and fucking retarded. It doesn’t work. It never worked. Swearing has not been edgy in over 10 years. Sorry guys.

Pope says he is sick of Joe and his sidekick. He says he is going to put an end to this once and for all. Pope says that he is fighting Joe at the PPV, and that he will rid Joe of TNA. That seems like it would be an act of mercy for Joe at this point.

Jarrett and Karen are talking now. They’re not happy about Kurt wrecking the wedding set… after they were done with it. Jarrett tells Karen they are going on a honeymoon with 5-star resorts, limos, suites, etc. Jarrett says that they are going on a Victory Road. Karen asks where they are going. Jarrett says they are going to Orlando… where they work… and probably live. Karen looks like she thinks this is retarded. It really is. But then Karen gets very excited to go to the state where she and Jarrett work all the time.

Wow, we have a lineup for Victory Road finally! Thanks, announcers.

  • Sting and Hardy for the title
  • Rob Van Dam and Mr. Anderson
  • Ultimate X: Kaz, Robbie E, Jeremy & Max Buck
  • Beer Money and Ink Inc for the Tag Team Titles
  • Matt Hardy and AJ Styles
  • Hernandez and Morgan in a first blood match
  • Sarita and Rosita and Angelina and Winter
  • Bully Ray and Tommy Dreamer
  • The Pope and Samoa Joe

Ehhhh… not bad. Not great.

Borash is backstage with Sting. Sting says he loves stirring it up, and that he’s apologized to RVD and that’s all he can do. He says he’s ready to defend the title and play the game. Then Anderson ambushes him from behind and kicks his ass. He yells at Sting that it’s HIS World Title and he wants his rematch.

You know, if TNA would actually honor a title rematch clause once in a while, it seems like the wrestlers would be a lot happier.

Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy .vs. Rob Van Dam & Sting

So… no tag match? I guess not, because Sting doesn’t come out. Anderson works over RVD. Anderson tosses him into a corner, but RVD springboards back and hits some flying kicks. Crowd chants for Sting. RVD tries for a monkeyflip, Anderson holds on and stomps him, and tags Hardy. Hardy attacks Van Dam, but Van Dam counters and hits a spinkick. RVD hits a Rolling Thunder. 2 count. Hardy rebounds and knocks Van Dam with a front suplex. He then SLAPS Anderson for a tag – nice touch.

Hardy doesn’t get out of the ring, and Van Dam knocks Anderson off the apron. Hardy hits a Twist Of Hate and tries a pin, which the ref counts despite Hardy not being legal. Anderson in to stop the count – then he hits the Mic Check on Hardy. Lights go out, Sting’s music hits. Lights on, and he’s in the ring, and lays out Anderson with the scorpion death drop. He signals Van Dam to hit the 5-star. He does, on Anderson. Van Dam pins Anderson.

Winners: Rob Van Dam & Sting

That match wasn’t bad, I guess. Sting and Van Dam make amends in the ring.

Well, Impact wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as bad as it has been lately. They did run some matches, almost all the segments were matches, and even though most of them weren’t that good, that’s a huge improvement. Joe and Pope wasn’t that bad, Generation ME and Ink Inc was okay, and the 3-way fight good enough even though it didn’t make a lot of sense. With TNA, a lot of times you have to take what you can get, and let it rest.

They really need to stop lining up most of the matches for their next PPV like 20 minutes before the end of their last show before that said PPV. Especially given that this wasn’t a terrible show, they need to do that sooner and build more momentum.

This has been “That Being Said”. See you bitches and skanks on Sunday for the PPV.

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