For Your Consideration…The RAW Jersey Style Judicial Review for 3/14/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, Jersey style column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your tanned up but clap-free host Andrew Wheeler and this week’s column promises to be at least slightly more entertaining than a TNA main event match.

We are only a few short weeks away from Wrestlemania, and Vince is pulling out a lot of tricks. One of those tricks is Snooki (yeah, I went there). She’s a guaranteed ratings magnet and is going to get legitimate mainstream exposure. If TNA got coverage for running stuff with J-Woww and Angelina, then there’s a high likelihood that this will be made to be a big deal. And the key here is eyeballs. That’s why Austin was on last week, that’s why Trish is wrestling tonight and that’s why the WWE has gone out of their way to make people think that The Rock could appear on any broadcast.

Are we being exploited? Absolutely. Vince always uses his loyal wrestling audience for the chance to gain mainstream coverage, and Wrestlemania this year is banking on nothing BUT mainstream fans. The entire show rests on the shoulders of The Rock, who has to carry the buyrate despite not wrestling in over seven years.

Let’s face facts, nostalgia is working this year. There is a buzz about the WWE, as former fans and nonfans alike know that The Rock returned to RAW and will be at Mania. The best advantage Vince has now is that there are a lot of people who think that he’s wrestling on the show, which is going to generate a lot of buys. Hey, how many of us thought that there was a chance that Tyson was going to actually grapple with Austin at Wrestlemania 14?

On the other hand, the worst thing that seems to happen to TNAwful is that their guys actually do show up and wrestle. I’m not going to do a full Victory Road recap, but suffice to say that if anyone actually pays money for a TNA PPV again after their 1 minute Hardy/Sting main event shouldn’t be allowed to control their own money anymore. There are people all over the world who could use that 35 bucks, be it Japan or New Zealand or right here in the US. Don’t give it to TNA. Please. They’re clearly trying to kill their PPV market to get out of their contracts so they can run as a broadcast-only program, but they’re doing it at the expense of fans. Say what you want about the WWE, but at the very least you’re going to get a halfway decent main event.

Alright, I’m kinda pressed for time so I’ll get the plugs out of the way and get down to business. As always, you can friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316) and post in the comment section down below.

The RAW Judicial Review for 3/14/11

“You’re fired.”

We open with a picture of The Rock and then pull back to see him sitting at a desk talking to President Obama about how awful John Cena’s promo was last week. Can’t argue with that. Rock’s pretaped segment gets interrupted by John Cena’s music. The Rock says that John Cena has come to his house face-to-face and it turned out to be a little kid. Five bucks said that was going to be a midget but they probably give The Rock the chills.

Rocky stands up (wearing cargo shorts for some reason) and the kid who is playing John Cena is golden. The kid raps ten times better than Cena did last week. He’s like Jason Sensation, only less mark-ish. The Rock points out that Cena ran with the ball, but he didn’t get that far. John was the “man” in the WWE. Rock compares him to Kermit and Barney (I’d like to point out they already compared The Miz to Kermit). The Rock says John Cena isn’t as good as The Rock because he isn’t that talented. It is amazing how entertaining The Rock is as a quasi-heel. He tells Kid Cena that it doesn’t matter how he feels, so the kid starts to weep. Rock says John Cena shouldn’t cry since we didn’t cry after watching his awful movies.

The Rock has a gift for Kid Cena, which is a box of Fruity Pebbles. Alright, that joke is officially dead. Wait, no, I take it back, the fact that The Rock pointed out that there are vitamins in there revived the joke. Rock sends him out of the room with a free box of cereal (which is nothing to scoff at in this economy) but then Rock gets all super-cereal and introduces himself to The Miz.

Rocky and his creepy music runs through his catchphrases with some intensity. Rock takes umbrage to him using The People’s Elbow and now The Miz is going to get the single biggest ass whoopin of a lifetime. Oh no, he said ass. Now I’ll never buy a Mattel toy.

The Rock promises to be live on RAW before Wrestlemania to confront The Miz and The Miz should be concerned with how badly The Rock will layeth the smacketh down on their candy asses. If you smell what The Rock is cooking.

The Rock is burying John Cena so badly you’d swear his name was Sheamus.

Snooki is in the back with Trish Stratus and we get Michael Cole in a box…which I predicted THREE WWEKS AGO. Love that Cole has his picture pasted on the monitors.

Awesome, The Miz is out now, which gives us a chance to reminisce about the time Miz and Cena were tag champs for a few minutes (or as TNA calls it, a Broadway-Style match). Miz gets a great heel reaction as he says The Rock “brings it” with lame catchphrases, bad movies and diatribes. No, he isn’t Triple H.

Miz is better than The Rock’s family since he won the WWE Title. Oh, and since he laid out John Cena, he’s done something The Rock hasn’t done before. The Miz invites Rock to “bring it” as this quickly turns into a cheerleading movie before pointing out that he’s the Most NBC Thursday Night Champion of all time. Because he’s The Miz and he’s awesome.

The GMail goes off and that thing is getting some serious heat. Cole leaves his magical box but Jerry interrupts him. For some reason Lawler is dressed like a bottle of 5-Hour Energy. Tonight we will have two First Ever matches: John Cena will face Alberto Del Rio (which I can’t believe they’re giving away so soon) and The Miz will face…The Great Khali. Fucking kill me. It’s gotten to the point where my wife (who doesn’t watch the product) knew enough to yell “Really?” when he came out. On the plus side, it’s a former World Champ for The Miz to beat clean. You hear me, WWE Creative? CLEAN.

Commercial.

The Miz v. The Great Khali

Miz fires off with some punches and kicks but Khali just grabs him and throws him down. Khali bounces Miz’s head off the turnbuckle and delivers a chop, thus running through his entire repertoire.

Khali hits the big chop and locks in the Khali I Squish Your Head Like So, but Miz makes it to the rope. Mizfit runs in from out of nowhere and gets chopped for his trouble. Mizfit then takes the Punjabi Plunge. The things people will do to keep a job in this climate.

Miz comes in with a chair and absolutely kills Khali with it. That chair sells better than Khali does. Miz DDTs Khali onto the chair. Would it have killed them to beat Khali clean?

Khali is bleeding from a hole in his back, making him look like a giant Indian jelly donut. There’s a visual for you to enjoy with your breakfast.

Michael Cole is going to expose Jerry Lawler’s secrets live. Oh come on Cole, that girl’s gotta be of-age by now. Maybe it’ll be the rest of the Survivor Series Knights coming back for revenge.

Commercial.

John Cena has 5,000,000 Facebook friends.

Josh “Mini-Orton” Matthews and Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler talk about Hunter and Taker before unveiling a huge package.

John Slo-Mo-Rrison and Snooki are together in the back in a battle of fake tans. Vickie and Dolph show up to call Morrison a loser and Snooki a fool. Snooki calls Vickie heavy, which is the pot calling the kettle fat. Snooki then slaps Vickie in the face so hard that we fade to…

Commercial.

Did you know over 25,000 autographs will be signed, with the majority of them coming from Howard Finkel.

United States Championship Match: Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan w/ Gail Kim

Sheamus comes out with the “King” moniker despite the fact that he’s sans a giant felt cape. Sheamus is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness, thus completing another level at Triple H Camp.

Daniel Bryan is accompanied by Gail Kim, which stuns me since I figured they forgot about this. Bryan gets muscled down early with a headlock cover for two. Sheamus shoulderblocks him down for another two count. Matthews talks about the King of the Ring curse, which I refuse to believe. I mean, Mabel, Billy Gunn, William Regal…oh wait.

Bryan hits his corner turnbuckle backflip and connects with a suicide dive on the outside. Bryan hits a missile dropkick that sends Sheamus out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus has Bryan locked in a dreaded Irish Rest Hold. During the break Sheamus hit a backbreaker and a double-axe-handle, which isn’t as entertaining as an Aarons commercial.

Sheamus clubs Bryan against the ropes, knocking the fake tan right off his chest. He’s getting a nice beat, but it’s not something you can really dance do. Sheamus knees him in the head, which gets two.

Bryan ducks Sheamus’s charge, which sends him over the top to the outside. Sheamus clutches his knee but he makes it into the ring at five. Referee Armstrong Curse holds Bryan back but Sheamus was faking and goes for the bicycle kick. Bryan ducks it and locks in the Patti LaBelle Lock but Sheamus makes it to the ropes.

Sheamus nails Bryan in the stomach and whips him into the turnbuckle. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge but Daniel almost pulls a 1-2-3 Kid rollup for two. Daniel Bryan fires off with some punches and kicks, bringing Sheamus to his knees. He delivers the knockout kick but it only gets two.

Daniel goes to the top rope but gets nailed with a Bicycle Kick for the pin. Sheamus is now the United States Champion. Great, another foreigner taking an American’s job.

Michael Cole pops up from his Cube of Awesomeness to commit the verbal equivalent of regicide. And yes, I know what that means thanks to The Simpsons. Cole is going to bring someone back from Lawler’s past to expose him, next…

Commercial.

Last week a bald-headed drunk stunned a blonde-haired drunk and signed a contract that is in no way binding.

Cole asks if the fans enjoyed Austin outsmarting him and they respond with loud noises. Michael Cole guarantees that Steve Austin will have a minimal effect at Wrestlemania. But enough about the buyrate…

Michael Cole says that he knows how defensive Lawler gets about people talking about his family, living or dead. We now bring out Grandmaster Sexay, who does the complete dance despite the fact he looks like a fat Kennedy…Kennedy.

Cole points out that he had several names in the WWE but he never called himself Brian Lawler. Christopher says that Lawler never wanted a kid. He climbs out of the ring to confront him, and he’s already blowing up. Jerry refused to acknowledge that Brian was his son, and can you really blame him?

Jerry calls him a bigger screw-up than Charlie Sheen. The fact that he’d associate with Michael Cole highlights what a jackass he is. Brian asked how it felt to know that he made it to Wrestlemania before his father did. But to be fair so did The Basham Brothers and A-Train.

Grandmaster Sexay slaps him in the face before saying he’s ashamed of Lawler. He walks off in disgust as Cole calls him a loser.

This brings out Jim Ross to a thunderous ovation. Cole mocks him for being a John Wayne wannabe and rips Twitter. Ross asks if this has been enough. Cole says that RAW is his show now and he’s the voice of the WWE. Jim Ross says that he had the honor of calling Monday Night RAW and he was lucky enough to be a member of the WWE Hall of Fame. Ross says that no one is the voice of the WWE because everyone is the voice of the WWE. And every time the fans clap, an angel gets his wings.

Ross says that Lawler’s been carrying Cole before making an odd kangaroo analogy. Michael Cole isn’t a lovable kangaroo, but rather a rat bastard. Cole points out that JR is going to walk out with his tail between his legs. Ross takes off his cowboy hat and tie and it’s go time.

Cole takes off his pink tie as the fans chant JR but Kurt SwAngle runs out of nowhere to lay out Lawler. SwAngle runs in and kicks Jim Ross down to the mat before locking in an AngleLock. Cole demands that he “make him pay”. Lawler comes out to make the save, but Cole jumps on his back. SwAngle now locks in the AngleLock on him, and Jerry’s tapping. Cole then locks in an ankle lock on Jim Ross, who lets out a “Gawd Almighty.”

Coming up next, Randy Orton will face Mason Ryan. Oy.

Commercial.

On Smackdown this week Edge & Christian are going for the tag gold. I was a huge E&C fan years ago, making this one nostalgia act I can get behind.

Just For Men is the official sponsor of Randy Orton’s magical Tampunts.

Randy Orton v. Mason Ryan

Cole is doing his Tommy Dreamer impersonation again as the man in a box. Randy Orton comes out to another huge hometown punt as we see his family ringside. That always ends well.

Mason Ryan gets walloped as soon as the bell rings with punches. Randy then explodes out of the corner with a clothesline but Ryan hits him with a slow motion clothesline. Ryan hits a terrible looking backbreaker for two. He goes for it again, dropping Orton twice across his knee for another two count.

Ryan slams Orton a few times before he gets distracted by the Wrestlemania sign and eats an RKO for the pin. Randy climbs to the second turnbuckle to stare at a distraught CM Punk.

Randy opts to not kill Mason Ryan as he heads up the ramp towards Punk. He then sprints back into the ring and kicks Ryan right in the synagogue before he and Punk have a staredown on their knees. Odd.

We relive the Guerrero/Snooki showdown.

Commercial.

We’re back with our next Celebrity Hall of Fame inductee: Drew Carey. I popped huge for seeing Vince’s old haircut.

Cole demands our attention and rewelcomes us to The Cole Mine, which sounds like a gay nightclub. Cole mocks Lawler and Jim Ross but gets cut off with a GRAPHIC. Fantastic.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking in the back when Zack Ryder and his abs show up. She gives him a polite poke as we head to…

Commercial.

Hold onto your dignity because it’s time for Snooki. Wait, no that’s Yokozuna. On closer inspection, that’s really her.

The fans give her a mix of cheers and boos and I’m shocked they didn’t eviscerate her. Snooki says she’s excited to see Trish shut Vickie up tonight. That’s it. Short, grating and ultimately unsatisfying. Sounds about right.

Vickie comes out and says she will beat Trish Stratus and get a job back. But first she has words for Snooki. She tells her not to lay her hands on her and then shows Snooki on the cover of Rolling Stone. We see that the original cover was Vickie straddling a rocket. So now we’re ripping off the old Savage/Flair/Liz angle?

Trish Stratus w/ Wrestling Boots v. Vickie Guerrero

Vickie starts the match by doing calisthenics. Trish rolls her up for two. Vickie tries to flee but Stratus chases her down. Guerrero is holding her own shoe and cackling before trying to throw her shoe. Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

Trish kicks her down and then spanks her with her own shoe. Dolph Ziggler runs out to stop this, but John Morrison makes the…well I guess you could call it a save. Morrison hits a corkscrew moonsault on the outside, which was impressive. LayCool come out and demolish Trish, giving Vickie the win. They pose on top of an unconscious Trish, taking pictures.

Michelle McCool gets in Snooki’s face before shoving her down. Snooki pulls her off the apron and Michelle takes one hell of a bump. Snooki and Layla roll around while Trish attacks Michelle. Vickie bails, followed by LayCool and here’s most of our 6-Person tag for Mania.

Vickie challenges the three of them against LayCool and Ziggler. Snooki accepts and I guess Kelly Kelly got bumped for…that. So for the record, Snooki is on the card for Wrestlemania but Evan Bourne and William Regal aren’t.

Commercial.

We get a Sin Cara promo, which lasted about as long as a TNA PPV main event.

Shawn now delivers a little fellatio towards The Undertaker from the comfort of a Bass Pro Shop.

Alberto Del Rio w/ Brodus Clay v. John Cena

John Cena gets a mullato reaction as he kisses his dog tags. The two of them start off with some mat wrestling. Cena throws a dropkick (!) as Cole says that The Rock is apparently in the building as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio hits a dropkick for two. Alberto locks in a Main Event Resthold but this gets reversed into a belly-to-back suplex. Brodus looks worried…or hungry. It’s hard to tell. They both get to their feet and collide as we all admire Charles Robinson’s terrible haircut.

Cena and Del Rio trade punches to make this feel “epic”. Cena fires back with the Five Moves of Mediocrity as Cole yells “uh oh” about twenty times. John goes for the FU but Brodus Clay makes the save.

The Rock’s music hits and out comes The Miz dressed as The Rock. He’s in half-black-face, which doesn’t make it all that racist. Del Rio, The Miz and Brodus Clay destroy Cena.

Miz leaves John laying on the outside of the ring before he rips off his bald cap. The Miz rams Cena’s back into the ringpost. Miz asks how Cena’s Road to Wrestlemania is before knocking him out with the microphone. He says that he’s owned Cena and will own him all the way to Wrestlemania before clonking him again with the microphone. Best Cena promo of the night.

Miz suplexes Cena onto the steel steps as we cut to a concerned-looking little boy in the crowd. John battles back and goes for an FU but he gets DDTd onto the entrance ramp. Miz launches Cena into the WWE sign as John tries desperately to get back to his feet. As soon as he stands up, Miz delivers the SCF onto the pedestal.

So THAT’s how you make someone seem credible. I thought for sure their weeks of having him look like a paper champion was the way to do it, but apparently might makes right.

This has been for your consideration.