A Look on the Bright Side: Don’t Call It a Comeback… (HHH, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Cena, the Miz)

For those of you that don’t know me: I used to write for this here website a few years ago. My last published weekly column was June 2007, and my last live PPV recap was September 2008. Then… well, let’s just go with “my life got interesting”, at least for now. It’s a long, complicated story – but one which I am sure I’ll cover in great (sometimes excruciating) detail as time goes on.

I’m still trying to get a feel for the format of my new column – even the title “A Look on the Bright Side” is up in the air. I’m going to be fiddling with it for a couple of weeks, and hopefully I’ll have something figured out by Wrestlemania. I’ll be concentrating on WWE (especially Raw), with occasional forays into TNA and ROH, when the mood strikes me.

There will also be some non-wrestling content: sports, politics, news of the day, random stuff I find on the web that amuses me, etc. I promise to keep those to a minimum – usually no more than a link to something that you can read if you’re interested in. If you’re not interested, then I trust that pressing the PgDn button won’t be too much of a hassle for you.

To begin with:

If you aren’t watching The Daily Show, then I’m not sure what’s wrong with you.

Wait – Gene Simmons was born in Isreal? Did anyone else know this?

To no one’s surprise, Newt Gingrich is still an idiot.

You saw the bullying fail video, right?

I admit – I was one of those people who thought “The Hobbit” was never, ever going to be made as a movie. I’m glad to admit I was wrong.

Now – on to the sports entertainment.

Monday Night Raw

1. Michael Cole’s entrance, dressed as JR, was amusing – for about 5 seconds. Once you got past the stuffing in his mouth and the bottle of BBQ sauce, and heard him say “Slobberknocker”, there was nothing left to fill the next several minutes. This is something pro wrestling often suffers from, which I’ll call “The SNL Conundrum” – something that sounds absolutely hilarious when you are discussing it as a concept backstage can easily fall flat on its face in the actual execution. (Hint: this is not the last time this Conundrum makes an appearance tonight.)

2. While I am sure the HHH/UT match will be excellent, I simply have no interest whatsoever in the build-up, for a very simple reason: the Undertaker will never lose at Wrestlemania. Ever. Consider that the Stone Cold Lock of the Week.

(Side note: my friend Bruce is the biggest UT mark on the planet – he’s like a 10 year old female Justin Beiber fan. I wish I cared about anything on this planet as much as he cares about the Undertaker. Seriously, a PPV loss can send this guy into a funk for a week, and he convinces himself every single time that UT is going to lose, even before the match starts. Watching him during the match at WM is going to be at least ten times more entertaining than the match itself.)

3. HHH: “The whole world is talking about this match.” Umm, Trip – no offense, but I think people in Japan and the Middle East might have a FEW other things on their mind this week.

4. My girlfriend Autumn watches Raw with me every week, and had an interesting question: “Why do the wrestlers sometimes talk to the Wrestlemania sign like it’s sentient?”

5. Do you think they have a lottery backstage to decide who gets to walk out each week and get destroyed by HHH after his promo? (Side note: I know why they do it this way nowadays, but honestly – if you can’t give a guy a chairshot over his head, just please don’t bother with the chair. It looks pathetic.)

6. Big, HUGE kudos to the fan who yelled out “Put him in a body bag! Yeah!” after the Pedigree on the announce table – I loves me some Cobra Kai love. But thumbs down to the idiot with the “NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE MIZ” sign. Dude, you made a sign – I think you care, more than you’d like to admit.

7. So I guess Shaemus’ new gimmick, now that his “losing streak” is over, is to beat up all of the ROH guys that had to change their stage names when they came to the WWE? Well, at least CM Punk is safe. (Plus, it is a freaking CRIME that Bryan Danie– I mean, Daniel Bryan can’t use “The Final Countdown” as his entrance song. That was my favorite part of any ROH show.)

8. Randy Orton has grown up around pro wrestling. He’s been in this business for a long time. I remember when he got injured years ago and used to give weekly RKO updates on his return – he seemed genuinely charismatic. So…. what in the name of Christopher Walken happened to him? His voice inflection and facial expressions seem to have no connection to the words coming out of his mouth. (Seriously – picture Walken doing Orton’s next promo, and tell me if it would sound any different.)

9. Trish Stratus (still gettin’ it done) interferes in the Morrison/Zigler match, and an email from the Anonymous GM arrives literally 7 seconds later. I don’t know who the GM is, but he is a REALLY fast typist.

10. Cole: “Vicki is like a coach out there.” Well, sure – if we’re talking about Coach Beast.

11. Layla’s cleavage was really struggling to stay in that top. I have nothing else to add here, except: I approve.

12. I admit: I laugh every time CM Punk calls him “Randall”. And as an added bonus, we learn that Orton’s wife is an even worse actor than him, which is not an easy accomplishment. I think she got her facial expressions from watching Kirk Lazarus and Tobey Maguire in the Satan’s Alley trailer.

13. The Miz had a horrible suit, but a good point: why is everyone so impressed by multiple-time championships? Being the 16-time champ just means you lost 15 times – how is that a good thing?

14. And remember that point I made about the SNL Conundrum up above? The entire presentation of turning the “W” into an “M” is another sterling example. The fact that the live audience didn’t start throwing trash into the ring speaks poorly of the modern-day wrestling fan.

And… that’s a wrap, folks. I’ll be posting sporadically over the next few weeks in the Wrestlemania build-up, and hopefully getting a regular gig after that. Let me know what you liked, what you hated, what you were ambivalent about – y’know, whatever’s on your mind.

You stay classy, wrestling fans.

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