For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 3/28/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 3/28/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, end the Road to Wrestlemania-approaching column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I am your host Andrew Wheeler, and what else needs to be said other than the fact that this is the go-home show for Wrestlemania?

Traditionally, two of the biggest nights in wrestling are the RAW before and the RAW after Wrestlemania. Tonight’s show is the absolute final chance for the WWE to get your fifty or sixty bucks for this weekend, and they have a very difficult task of getting you excited for the show without jeopardizing anything. This is why Vince is stacking the show with a ton of “confrontations”, so that there is little chance that guys like Miz, Cena, Undertaker and Triple H can injure themselves (though it doesn’t stop them from Tweeting nonsense…oy).

Tonight’s show has to (yes, this is the “before RAW” happens portion of the column) give us every reason possible to plunk down our money and see the show. Every match on the card is set (aside from the 8-Man tag and maybe a Diva’s title match but neither of those are selling too many PPVs), so right now it’s about ratcheting it all up without peaking too soon.

Last week’s RAW was a bit of a train wreck. The entire show just felt lethargic, which isn’t a good sign going into Mania. Hunter cut a rambling-uh…dull-uh…slow-uh…promo that managed to take a lot of time without saying anything. The Miz hyped a major announcement all show, only for it to be him showing off his “new” belt, which wasn’t so much new or exciting. Oh, and John Cena managed to overcome a two-on-one obstacle (one of them being the WWE Champion) and look like the dominant, unstoppable force. And worst of all, no one really is going to remember it.

This week’s show is, in my opinion, giving away the farm. The only thing we had left from the WWE for Mania was the Cena/Rock face-to-face confrontation. That’s about it. For those of you on the fence about ordering Wrestlemania, the one thing that made the show a “must” was the fact that John Cena and The Rock were going to be dueling on the mics at Mania.

Is it wrong that the main event of Wrestlemania is a promo? Not at all. The company firmly believes that Taker/HHH is the true main event of the show, which demonstrates just how delusional they truly are. There is very little to get excited about from those two. First off, it isn’t going to be as good at Taker/Michaels. Undertaker is more injured than he was there and Hunter hasn’t worked a match in almost a year. The “No Holds Barred” stip means that they can recreate their Mania 17 match, which was passable but by no means the most memorable match on the show.

No, the true main event of Wrestlemania was The Rock and John Cena going at it verbally. Nobody really expects The Miz to retain the title, and based on the subpar buyrates for Elimination Chamber and the falling RAW ratings very few could expect otherwise. Miz was the victim of bad booking, and no, I do not think that this was the WWE’s intention. They just wouldn’t fully commit to the guy, and because of that, he came across as a wishy-washy midcard fluke who got to play champion and by dumb luck wound up in the main event. Like I said last week, he’s Jericho from X-8.

The Del Rio/Edge match did have a lot of momentum and excitement going into it, but then the WWE jobbed Del Rio out to Christian two weeks in a row. The one thing this guy had going for him was that he had barely been beaten, and then he goes and loses to a guy not even officially in the match (and this is coming from someone who is a Christian fan!).

Tonight’s show is a very tempting chance for Vince to give away everything on the hopes that we’ll still go and buy Wrestlemania. Tonight has Trish Stratus & Snooki being wacky, Triple H and The Undertaker in the ring for the first time since their non-promo and The Rock and John Cena with open microphones on live television. Hell, this may be better than Mania itself, which isn’t something one should be thinking mere days before the PPV.

Alright, enough of that. Last week was my fourth anniversary here at Inside Pulse. The site has changed quite a bit since I first debuted “For Your Consideration”, but I could not be prouder to associate with some of the hardest working people writing today. In case you never saw it, here’s my first column: http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2007/03/20/65875/ which talks all about how the fresh new babyface CM Punk would make one hell of a heel in the WWE. And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and post in the comments section down below. So without further ado…

The RAW Judicial Review for 3/28/11

“Wrestlemania.”

We open with CM Punk sitting Native American Style in the middle of the ring in Chicago. I guess they figure since he’s gonna get a hero’s welcome so they might as well get it out of the way. Punk calls the fans his people.

Punk says he’s a realist, unlike Randy Orton. The truth is that whether you’re PuNexus or you live in Chicago, he doesn’t care what happens to them. Glad I called this coming a few weeks ago. CM says that he’s cool with everyone getting punted in the head, because it isn’t his problem. His problem is Randy Orton, and can you blame him? Look at the quality of matches Orton’s churned out at Mania over the past few years.

Apparently Punk has people at his beck and call to fetch him some coffee, so he doesn’t need the PuNexus. Orton’s psychological advantage was a false sense of security. Randy slipped up by talking about his Lex Express, which lets us relive Punk laying out Orton. I’m sure Punk misses that wrench, since unlike Nexus, it was a tool that was reliable.

Punk knows that Randy cares about his wife, no matter which actress plays her that week. He loves the fact that she has to go to sleep picturing Randy knocked out like Eugene on too many somas.

As Punk tries to leave the ring, we hear the music of the Big Red Machine…Randy Orton. Orton hits the Second Rope DDT on Punk and begins humping the mat, which means its either mating time or RKO time. After some pounding, Randy stops (premature?) and decides to punt him in the skull. Randy starts to run but his knee gives out.

Punk smells blood in the water (which, on a TV-PG show is the only place we can have blood) and he toys with Randy before kicking him in the knee. Punk then sets up Orton for the GTS, which gets a nice pop. Always a good sign when Orton’s supposed to be the super babyface. I guess Chicago is Canada and CM Punk is Bret Hart.

Edge and Christian are in the back. Edge reminds us that Del Rio can’t be struck on Smackdown, but he can be struck on RAW, thanks to the RAW GMail. Edge & Christian team up on RAW, after a…

Commercial.

Edge & Christian v. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay

Edge and Christian come out first. I think I know them. Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, who is out in one hell of a Bentley. Brodus Clay just sort of materializes out of fat air.

Edge wails away on Clay to start, which is like watching a kid wail on one of those clown punching bags. Christian gets tagged in and comes off the second rope with an arm bar. He tags in Edge and they double-team Clay with stereo clotheslines in the corner.

Christian leaps onto Clay on the outside but Brodus catches him. Edge dropkicks Christian’s back, which drops him onto the padding as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio has a dreaded Rest Hold locked onto Christian. Christian fights back but takes a kick to the face for two. Del Rio drapes Christian’s neck across the bottom rope and chokes hi before tagging in Clay, who drops some elbows. Take THAT, gravity.

Brodus Clay steps on Christian before slamming Christian to the mat. Del Rio comes off the second rope with an elbow for two, but his fiery Latin temper starts taking over. Did they give him that stereotype yet? Eh, it’ll happen eventually.

Christian nails Del Rio and makes the hot tag to Edge, who bounces off of Brodus Clay like a child on a bounce house. Edge drops him with a reverse bulldog before setting up for a Spear. Del Rio catches Edge from behind and drops him, but he then gets jumped by Christian. Del Rio and Christian take each other out on the ramp, which allows Edge to Spear Brodus for the win.

After the match (because wins and losses mean nothing), Del Rio locks in the Cross-Armbar before Edge chases him to the back. Apparently Edge can’t go to the back because of his fear of curtains. As he heads back to Christian, Del Rio jumps him from behind and locks in the Cross-Armbar on him.

We go to New Jersey to a bar where Trish Stratus and Spalding are drinking as we blackout to…

Commercial.

Here’s our token Sin Cara promo.

We get a shot of The Miz’s “custom” WWE Title Belt as he’s turned the WWE logo upside down so that it says an “M”. Oy.

The GMail goes off and Cole says he has the message on the iPad: And I paraphrase…Jerry Lawler will face Kurt SwAngle tonight.

We get a Triple H/Taker package about ending the streak. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Team Hilary Swank is already in the ring and they hold all of the unimportant gold in the WWE.

Justin Gabriel w/ Team Hilary Swank v. Santino Marella w/ Kozlov, Snukette, Big Show & Kane Kurt SwAngle w/ Michael Cole v. Jerry Lawler

Lawler has new music for some reason, so I guess they figured out they didn’t own the rights to his old song. SwAngle jumps Lawler from the bell and hits a Vader Bomb before kicking him to the outside. Jerry gets launched over the barricade as SwAngle is made to look like a complete monster. Too bad none of this happened when he was actually champion.

Jerry fights back and then whacks SwAngle with a chair for the DQ. Lawler keeps swinging away until he Khali’s him. Jerry then chases Cole, who hops into his Cole Mine. Lawler starts hitting the actual box, which would be great if Cole was scared of loud noises. Security holds him back (a multi-racial team because Cole is tolerant of all) and Cole throws his water at him.

Jerry walks to the back all soaked as we fade to…

Commercial.

The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Subway Breakfast: “Hate your arteries? Start your day with steak and eggs.”

Vickie Guerrero comes out and clearly she hasn’t been hitting up the Subway Breakfasts anymore. She is getting really skinny. Vickie does the Slo-Mo-Rrison entrance, which, had Lawler been out there, would have said that this wasn’t in slow motion.

Vickie says that she hopes Snooki is watching through her drunken stupor because at Wrestlemania, she’ll find herself in a familiar place…passed out and unconscious. Classy.

Dolph Ziggler & Sheamus v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison & Daniel Bryan

Sheamus takes down Morrison and hammers the spray-tan off of him. John pops Dolph but gets caught in the Drinking Problem Backbreaker for two as we head to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus is still bouncing Morrison like a basketball. Speaking of which, we still have the Snooki segment to look forward to. Sheamus locks on a resthold for a few seconds before John breaks free with a mule kick.

Bryan and Ziggler get tagged in and Daniel Bryan gets some Midcard Offense before going for the Patti LaBelle Lock. Sheamus breaks it up before Dolph can tap and Sheamus turns Bryan inside-out with a clothesline.

Dolph takes a kick to the synagogue and Sheamus dumps him to the outside. Bryan goes for the Patti LaBelle lock but Sheamus blocks it. Bryan goes for a corner dropkick but Sheamus moves and hits the Razor’s Edge for the win.

Orton is in the back being iced down when he gets interviewed by Scott Stafford, who sounds like a brain-dead moron. Randy has serious anger management issues and he’s ruined the careers of men he barely knew simply because he could. Randy asks if CM Punk will make it out of Wrestlemania. What’s the other option? Locking him in the stadium?

Commercial.

We get the Legion of Doom Hall of Fame spot, and it’s awesome. Though if they show the fucking dummy, I’ll lose it.

They cut “live” to Trish and Snooki and Snooki seems plastered. Some guy wanders over and tries to hit on them. Snooki says that she is trained “so good” and she has “sick moves”. Snooki slaps the guy doing the bad Zack Ryder impersonation.

LayCool show up and get drinks thrown at them and it turns into an APA brawl. Oy.

Commercial.

Why does every Five Hour Energy commercial look like it was shot by a porn company?

We open on The Rock in the back looking all “electrified” before coming out to a monster pop. Jesus fuck do those people love The Rock.

Finally, The Rock has come back to Chicago, which is where it all started for him. Chicago is where The Rock wrestled at Wrestlemania for the very first time. He never admitted it but that night The Rock was nervous. I’m sure Vince wasn’t going to stiff him on his pay and Randy Orton wasn’t around to shit in his bag, so there was no reason to be nervous.

That night was the unofficial birth of Team Bring It. Team Bring It isn’t a slogan, but let’s hope it sell some t-shirts. You can take your worries, turn them sideways and stick them straight up your candy ass.

The Rock had a dream and this led him to calling out John Cena. A “Cena Sucks” chant starts, though it does kinda sound like “CM Punk”. Rocky calls Cena a homeless Power Ranger and The Rock talks about putting his foot in his ass. It turns out this was all a dream and in reality The Rock is here and he has millions (and millions) of his fans.

And here comes John Cena. I hate that they are giving this away on free television. Cena says that this is what he wanted, The Rock in a WWE ring. And he’s not just back, but he says he hasn’t missed a step (which he appropriately flubs).

Cena said he was one of the millions, but he didn’t know why he left. He then talks about how special the moment is, thus defeating how “special” the moment actually is on it’s own merits.

John verbally blows The Rock for a while before saying that he was honored to be roasted by Rocky. Cena said that everything he said had meaning and merit, but he wanted to know what problem The Rock had with him. John says that there were lots of problems, like his color palate, his shitty promo skills, his terrible music, his lame catchphrases, his moral code and his audience of children. John is damn proud of what he has become and if The Rock has a legitimate gripe about him not killing himself for the business, he should say it.

Cena asks who the hell The Rock is to do what he wants. John comes down the ramp every day as himself, and while some like him and some hate him, and when it’s all said and done, he won’t be judged by The Rock. He’ll be judged by the higher power…Vince. It was him, Cena, it was him all along.

The Rock says that Cena won’t be judged by him but he will kick his ass. Cena says that if he wants to fight…

Awesome, here comes The Miz, flanked by The Mizfit. Miz asks really as he’s dressed like a tobacco salesman. He calls them the “O” brothers, overhyped and overrated. This prompts Cena to talk his shirt off. Miz says Cena will lose at Mania, but at least he’ll come for a fight. Miz says that The Rock won’t do a thing tonight because his movies made 1.2 billion dollars and he won’t risk getting embarrassed. Oh, and he’s The Miz and he’s awesome.

The Rock tells Miz that it doesn’t matter what he thinks but Mizfit takes The Rock down. Yes, you read that correctly. Miz and Mizfit double-team The Rock, but Rocky knocks Mizfit over the top rope. The Rock hits a DDT onto Miz and tries a kip-up but botches it. The Rock brings back the People’s Elbow and then launches Miz out of the ring.

The Rock turns around and John Cena hits an FU on The Rock. Why the HELL didn’t they save that until after Wrestlemania?

This has been for your consideration.