Welcome to “That Being Said”, your Inside Pulse recap dedicated to covering TNA, who will hopefully soon crown WTF their World Champion. In honor of WrestleMania week, inspired by The Rock guest hosting, I got myself a Special Guest Host for this time. My dude Swayze from www.ThePOWERBOMB.com is all up on this with me tonight, and they’ll be posting a link to this article as well. (Cross-promotion, yo.) JERSEY FIST PUMP!!! His contributions will be in red.
Like this. Hello. And, much like The Rock, I am pretty much only showing up this week to tell you I’ll never leave, but make no mistake, you’ll never see me here again. The conversation where Blair was able to convince me to do this went as follows:
The Making Of…
Hey Swayze!
Hello Blair.Â
How’s it going, man?
Fine.
That’s cool.
…
I’m good too!
That’s fantastic.
…
…
… so… hey, remember I asked you a bit ago if you wanted to guest host my TNA Impact recap with me? Any thoughts on that?
* Happily. *Â Â Not a one.
Really? I thought it sounded like fun. You haven’t thought about it at all?
Actually yeah, I’ve been devoting all of my spare time to pondering helping you cover the worst wrestling show that’s ever existed.
Oh, come on. You used to cover NXT.
NXT is The Sopranos compared to TNA. Besides, haven’t you brought Impact to it’s knees since you’ve been working at Pulse? Ever since you started there, TNA has been in a tailspin.
Really? I thought that was the recession, and the shifting technological landscape.
You caused those too?
Are you even listening to me?
Can I have your breadstick?
No! I want it.
Yeah, I don’t think so. Watching TNA is bad enough and I only do it because it’s laughably terrible. Writing about it is definitely too much for me.
* Munching on a breadstick I don’t want. *  There’s no way I can change your mind?Â
Okay, enough dude. If you can install a chip in my head that will transcribe my thoughts without me having to do anything, I’ll sign off on the idea. Talk to me again about helping you cover TNA when you have a chip installed in THIS!!!  * Punctuates his point by pounding his head with his fist for dramatic effect, a little harder than he’d intended. *
* Quietly. *  … are you finished?
YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S FINISHED!!!
Did you hurt yourself? Do I need to call someone?
What the fuck? No, I don’t need anybody called.
You insist on pounding your head like that, you’re going to do damage. More damage than you’ve already done, I mean.
Never mind. It’s like a pinball machine up there. What the fuck is wrong with you anyway?
Sorry. Ever since I started watching TNA again, I’m ultra-conscious of head injuries and concussions for some reason.
Really?
Yeah. I shower with a helmet now. So you’ll do it?
What?!?!
You’ll help me cover Impact.
Fuck, my head hurts. Fine. Whatever.
YES!!! Fist pump!!!
I have to go.
Oh… sure, no problem. Do you want to quickly talk about how we’re going to…
Dude, I have to go. My family’s having dinner.
Oh, yeah, dude, totally. I understand. Yeah. My family’s getting ready to have dinner soon too.
You don’t have a family.
Well, what I mean is that me and my dog are…
Goodbye Blair.  * Leaves. *
* A few minutes later, after finishing his breadstick, Blair gets up, puts on his helmet, and leaves as well. *
And there you have it. I would like to wish everyone a happy WrestleMania week. Anyone who’s into wrestling always looks forward to the biggest show all year. For inquiring minds, I am getting the show on Sunday. I’m also getting the 2 Ring Of Honor “Honor Takes Centre Stage” iPPV’s on Friday and Saturday for $20. I’m definitely stoked for all 3 shows, but that’s a LOT of wrestling for one weekend. Plus I just realized I’ve got Impact tonight. And probably RAW on Monday. Oy.Â
I’ve decided not to cover them here on the site, mostly just due to hand-cramping concerns, but I will likely have some stray thoughts for you during next week’s recap, and maybe I’ll fire up my Twitter for the 3 shows. Remember to follow me at www.twitter.com/BlairADouglas.
Twitter is gay.
Okay, here we go!
Interinactivity
Matthew Michaels: Actually thought the opening video was quite smart.
Blair: What is it that you liked about it? And are you a Ken Anderson fan? I’m not being sarcastic. I’m curious what you saw in it. I thought it was hackneyd, terrible, out-dated, plus it had Ken Anderson going against it, which I think is something that we can all agree on. Unless you’re talking about the Heyman video I posted. Because that video was awesome. The Ken Anderson not-music video was not awesome though. So if you’re talking about that, then I’m not seeing what you saw in it.
Swayze: If you enjoyed that, then be sure to look out for Mike Tenay’s hit single, “Once An Asshole, Always An Asshole.” I think he will be touring with Rebecca Black soon on the “AUTOTUNE THE U.S.” Tour.
Joseph Hargrove: Madison Rayne isn’t the best in the ring but she is the most entertaining Knockout in the division. Take it from me as I have met her and Tara on a few occasions. Next, Anarchia did decent in his debut and used a machete to take Devon out. To quote a saying from Konnan: To live and die in LAX. Orale, Arriba La Raza! It seems that Ink Inc. and Gen Me will split up real soon and that’s a real shame to the tag team division IMO. As f ar as the Knockouts action, I’m quite pleased with the Mickie/Tara match as it builds up to the Hair vs. Title Match at the PPV. It seems that I was right about a possible heel turn from Angelina Love and Winter apparently has some sort of mind control over her. That scares the hell out of me. The end of the show was chaotic and I was not expecting RVD to win but as I mentioned it might be a triple threat match for the title so we’ll see. All the best, Mr. Douglas. Good night!
Blair: Holy SHIT Hargrove, put me to work why don’t you?!?! All right, in the interest of time… Madison Rayne is the most generic female heel ever and her finisher looks like she is tripping over her feet, which she does enough on her own anyway. Did Anarchia even perform a move last week or did he just speak Spanish? Also, a machete is a knife, and that dude used brass knucks. I WISH he had used a knife because then we wouldn’t have to see Matt Morgan this week. Ink Inc. sucks on all levels of the word and is no loss to the tag-team “division”, and I use that phrase loosely, and where did you hear that Generation ME is splitting up? The idea that anyone would have EVER done a hypnosis gimmick, let alone in this day and age, THAT scares the shit out of me. The end of the show was a bit odd, to say the least. I can’t imagine that it WON’T be a Triple Threat for the belt, so I agree with you there. Whatever gets Ken Anderson out of the title picture the fastest, I am on board with fully, but sadly I don’t see that happening. I also didn’t mind Tara and Mickie’s match last week, but it was nowhere near the level of their previous encounters. It was easily the match of Impact, but again… sadly, that’s not saying much.
Swayze: So the requirement for being entertaining is meeting you? What the fuck? I don’t even know who Madison Rayne is?!? Archanid Man’s debut WASN’T good at all. Not exactly his fault. But he did nothing to stand out, and TNA did a ref-distracted-attack-from-behind bullshit…IN A NO DQ MATCH! About as shitty a debut as you can do actually. And I saw no machete, but maybe I just missed it. I have no idea why the girls are even having a Hair .vs. Title match, which honestly is a stupid gimmick match to do. Prior to the match, what problem did the girls have with one another? The champ can just make up her own gimmick matches and does so just because? GREAT BUILD THERE! Joesph…you scare me!
Rob S: I don’t think the Morgan pushes have failed through any fault of his own. TNA has a habit of starting his push off strong and then making him look like a complete goof. Like his face turn on Fortune where he looked like a badass up until he wrestled Jeff Hardy. Instead of having Hardy win under dubious circumstances…Morgan loses clean. Then he loses again the next month, this time with cheating involved. So he looked like a massive choke artist. Now his feud with Hernandez is going nowhere. It’s the same for most of their roster, actually. Pope has the same problem.
Blair: I do see what you’re saying, but TNA screwing up the push is not a problem that’s specific to Matt Morgan – they do that MOST of the time – with everyone. And that doesn’t mean that Matt Morgan isn’t terrible. But the last thing we need is both myself and Swayze explaining why Matt Morgan is terrible. So… *fist pumps* …
Swayze: Well, for the most part, I think you are right on with how TNA is all over the place with who the show focuses around and who is a supporting character. But Morgan has to take some of the blame. He’s horrible. Not even opinion here. That’s a fact. This guy sells nothing but back rakes, does the stupid ‘walking in place’ elbows in the corner, and all of his promos are Morgan explaining to himself the storyline he’s involved in, in case he forgets. Don’t believe me? Name one match he’s been in that’s been so fantastic he deserved to be in a World Title Match? The fued with Hernandez is going nowhere, just like it did LAST TIME they did a Morgan-Hernandez feud last summer. Did you see the cage match they did with each other?
Blair: Hah. I saw that cage match… on BotchaMania.
Penny Sautereau-Fife: How do you do this every week and not make CNN for shooting up a post office?
Swayze: See, Penny gets it. Why don’t the rest of you understand?!?!
Blair: It’s easy. I only shoot up post offices that no one cares about, so CNN never gets wind of it. Which is all post offices basically.
CB: Hogan should stick to American Idol appearances and the like. He adds nothing to TNA but could easily remain in the pop culture limelight doing other things.
Blair: This, I agree with. I don’t watch Idol, but I did see it on YouTube, and that crowd went crazy for it. I can’t say I totally understand what the point of it was, but regardless that place went crazy for Hogan. THIS is the capacity in which he should be operating for TNA. That, and nothing else.
Swayze: Hogan is throwing his back out trying to fuck his new 13-year old wife. The dude should just be relaxing.
Jeremy Spoke In…: Kudos to you Blair – when your column first started I was not impressed but now I’m a fan and this is one of the few columns I continue to read on a weekly basis. Looks like you are getting a following!!! Don’t let it go to your head.
Swayze: Yeah, Blair is good people. Be careful though, because he’s actually a Kevin Nash fan. He’s probably forgotten to mention that.
Blair: Swayze, don’t… dammit. Yeah, thanks Jeremy. I can’t, in good conscience, make any promises about what will or won’t happen with my head though. The show I cover is TNA, and we’ve all seen the volume of concussions they’ve given out over the past year. My head does not feel safe.
Steven Gepp: So let me get this straight – Lockdown is one of TNA’s “big 3″ PPVs. It’s their next PPV, on in about 3 weeks. We seem headed for an RVD/Sting/Anderson 3-way dance in the cage for the title. We have a women’s match with a hair stipulation. But are there other matches being built up well enough for this big PPV? Angle/Jarrett – is that going to lead to a match? Joe/Pope – will this get bumped again? Fourtune/Immortal – are we going to get a TNA version of WarGames? Hernandez/Morgan – or is it going to be tag team turmoil? I know, I know, 3 weeks to go. But you’d think that some bigger feuds would have been built with the aim of being sorted out in a cage. Or am I missing something by only seeing the one hour recap show?
Swayze: No, none of the matches are being built up well, Angle / Jarrett IS going to lead to a match unfortunately, Joe / Pope will get bumped again HOPEFULLY, and TNA WarGames… ha, no. And, any match with Morgan is turmoil, tag or otherwise.
Blair: Yeah, I haven’t seen TNA’ s one-hour recap show. I’m not even totally sure I knew they had one. But it sounds like it’s as badly produced and as poorly thought out as Impact if you don’t even know what the matches on one of their biggest PPV’s of the year are. Not like anyone can blame you for thinking that they’re not announcing matches for it though, since for the last 3 PPV’s they’ve divulged the card about 20 minutes before the end of the preceding Impact.
The Fuj: I like last night’s episode of Impact: 1 – Madison Rayne is becoming the best female wrestler on the plante without having to actually wrestle. It’s all in presentation. TNA has done a good job in presenting her as this arrogant, snarly, witch. She is doing a great job portraying herelf as such. 2-I like the re invention if LAX 2.0. It makes sense and it is a great idea to pair up hernandez with Sarita and Rosita and whomever this new Anarchy guy is. Sarita has had a career rebirth in TNA. 3-Mr. Anderson is awesome…awesome. I like this point counter point with Hulk Hogan. I am sad that Hogan can no longer wrestle becuase a Mr. Anderson / Hulk Hogan match would have been interesting for TNA and made them money. 4 – RVD is better when he is a seriuous contender for the title. 5 – Scott Steiner and Crimson look good together as a tag team. Thank Blair, keep up the great work.
Swayze: Holy shit. I’m going backwards here…5 – Scott Steiner looks even better with Rick Steiner. They used to be a popular tag team and everything. Crimson looks like a guy TNA doesn’t need. Like Killer Spelled Backwards, Judias Messiah, TITAN, Matt Morgan, etc. 4 – RVD is better when he’s younger and faster. 3 – Hulk Hogan and Anderson is going to make money? I get you like the dudes. That’s cool. Unless you actually work for TNA, why would you even be concerned about how much money a match will make? It doesn’t work like that anymore. If they run Hogan and Anderson, ratings will not increase or decrease, nothing will change, and it would be a bad match even if Hogan was able to do something. 2 – Seems pretty racist to me to say, ‘hey all you latino wrestlers, you are gonna be in a stable for no reason other than you are latinos.’ But if it makes sense to you, so be it. 1 – I have also been seeing reports about Cody Rhodes ‘improving’ with this new gimmick where he doesn’t wrestle because he’s afraid his looks are damaged. Is that what it’s come to? Would you fans be happier if they just eliminated the matches altogether? How can a wrestler improve if they don’t wrestle? Should they just hire Al Pacino? He’s a better actor than everyone in wrestling. Does that make him the best wrestler by default?
Blair: Yeah, and you know what? Let’s bust a fucking myth here. Ken Anderson is not a fucking draw. Not. At. Fucking. All. I’m sorry. He’s not. He’s barely better than terrible in-ring. He ripped off his finisher from fucking Kanyon. He’s not good on the mic. Everyone is saying that he is. Everyone said that when he started in WWE too. He wasn’t. He’s not now. Screaming and overdoing it ALONE does not make you a good actor. I get that he is trying to be Stone Cold Rock Flair. But it’s not working. It’s never worked. Ken Anderson will not bring in any money or ratings or buyrates or whatever the fuck it is that TNA is even chasing these days. I ***HATE*** the resistance to this concept.
TNA should not be seriously pushing anyone that WWE fired. EVER. That’s the beginning and the end of the fucking discussion right there. It’s one thing to push wrestlers that left WWE on their own, like Kurt Angle, Christian, or Rob Van Dam. (I would throw Jeff Hardy into this mix if it hadn’t been for him being prosecuted for distributing narcotics before his second TNA run and being a drug-induced waste in general.) But still, that’s different. Those guys left WWE on their own terms, more or less. Ken Anderson? Matt Morgan? Orlando Jordan? Those dudes got FUCKING FIRED. And, everyone knows that Vince McMahon, FOR THE MOST PART, does not make the mistake of firing ANYONE who can make him serious money. You could punch Linda McMahon square in the fucking face and not get fired if Vince thought you could draw him a fucking dime. Actually, shit, McMahon brought back Bret Hart after Bret actually DID punch Vince in the face. And he brought back Hulk Hogan after Hogan took off for WCW and DIMED HIM TO THE FEDS for fucks sakes. Some might cite Jeff Jarrett as the exception to that rule. Nothing could be further from the truth because JEFF JARRETT IS NOT A FUCKING DRAW EITHER!!!
Of course the odd mistake is made when WWE lets someone go, like The Pope, (although you wouldn’t know it by what TNA has been doing with him lately) but The Pope was never given a serious shot in WWE. Ken Anderson was given like 5 or 6 serious shots. WWE put a lot of stock in that dude, and each time they did, no one bought it, and then he got hurt. That happened every single time. They even let him win Money In The Bank at ‘Mania one year! They took it off him and gave it to Edge, WHO HAD ALREADY WON IT THE YEAR BEFORE. Then Anderson got hurt AGAIN. Then he came back the final time on RAW, to literally NO reaction, and decided he would stiff Randy Orton, arguably one of the top 3 or 4 main eventers in the comapny. So he got fired. And guess what? NO ONE FUCKING CARED. Nor should they have. There was no support for Anderson after he got fired because no one gave a rat’s ass. That’s not who your main event in TNA should be. Period.
Wow, that was intense. I saw a grassy field in my mind, and I just about laid down and took a nap. Sorry about that, Fuj, apparently you pressed a trigger or something. But I’m back! Let’s end this Interinactivity on a positive note.
Eric Fisher: I commend you sir for even reviewing TNA. Its a hard and terrible job but someone gots to do it and thats coming from a military personnel.
Blair: So I usually don’t post the comments that commend my work, not because I don’t appreciate them but just because it feels a little bit pompous. I totally had to repost this one though. Best. Comment. Ever.
Swayze: See!!! Even the military is concerned with how bad TNA is right now!!!
I guess that’s it. Thanks again for the comments everyone. Let’s do this!
*Puts On Helmet *
* Fist Pumps *
 “R-V-Dammed!”
They ran a recap of last week’s Sting / Anderson / Rob Van Dam situation. That Mic Check into the post is the only time Anderson’s finisher has ever looked painful.
The Usual Opening
We start the show and… already I have to deal with Mr. Anderson, who is dragging referree Earl Hebner into the ring. Anderson waits a full 3 words before busting out the word “Asshole” and he basically thinks that Hebner rang the bell. That doesn’t make any sense at all. Referees don’t ring bells. Timekeepers ring bells. Granted, it’s Hebner… but still. You could WATCH the match and see that Hebner didn’t ring the bell. Now Anderson has moved on to complaining about getting DQ’d. Now they’re just yelling at each other. This doesn’t make any sense at all. Anderson wants Hebner to reverse the decision. Now Hebner is swearing. He says he might suspend Anderson. Referees can do that? So why didn’t that one bullied ref just suspend everyone in Immortal then? This is shit. These kind of production fuck-ups and plot-holes are exactly why TNA is a joke.
Anyway, Hebner tells him to F off. Then he tries to leave, and Anderson kicks him and almost Mic Check’s him before Earl’s kid comes out I guess. Now the kid is trying to defend Earl. Anderson is saying that Hebner is all about screwing people (GET IT?!?! LIKE BRET?!?! SUBTLE!!!) and now Anderson is trying to fight referees. This is painful.
Now Sting is here. He tells the refs to get out of the ring. Anderson is saying something about Asshole Country. I don’t know. Sting tells him to shut up and just starts kicking his ass before referees come out to separate them.
Now Rob Van Dam is here. He says “Ladies, please… you’re both pretty.” Nice touch. Van Dam says that if Anderson really believes he can beat RVD, that he doesn’t want to win by DQ, and asks the referee to make the match at LockDown a 3-way. He can fucking do that?!?! When did this fucking happen?!?! TNA fucking sucks. But Earl says he doesn’t have the power to do so. But he can suspend people?!?!
Now Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are here. He’s impressed with Van Dam. Hogan makes the match at LockDown a 3-way. Then Bischoff grabs the mic, and starts talking about The Network and ratings. Bischoff makes a match with Sting, Van Dam and Anderson against Flair’s team of Abyss, Matt Hardy and Bully Ray… in a cage. Sting rushes Anderson but the referees keep them separated.
Swayze?
I’m confused. So the FBI knew that it was the Governer the entire time?
What are you talking about?
I made up a movie in my mind that was more exciting than Impact. Impact was sucking hard.
Can you focus, please?
I don’t know. Whatever. Bischoff looked kinda gay. RVD, Anderson, and Sting will be bad.
Great… thanks.
Commercial. I can’t wait to see at least 3 segments of these guys trying to convince each other that they can trust one of them but not the other guy, none of which will lead anywhere. Mike Tenay says that this is RATINGS… it isn’t. But the cage is a nice touch. During the commercials, they run an ad for a video game with John Cena kicking the living shit out of Hulk Hogan. Jersey Shore dudes want me to buy workout chemicals. The pain is REALLY starting early tonight.
Anderon is walking around backstage. Someone asks him something. He says “no comment”, and yells at the dude for about a minute. Then he swears. Van Dam says he hands his hands full, but he knows how to keep everything in balance, and that tonight he can take care of all his opponents at the same time, and maybe a couple of his partners. Sting is saying that Anderson owes him an apology.
Wasn’t Anderson a face last week? Or the week before or something? Didn’t RVD have a concussion last week? Maybe its like this week actualy happened last week. Like that Seinfeld episode? I don’t know.
Now Shannon Moore is talking about how he is what all the kids are into now, and not Scott Steiner. That’s fucking funny. He says he doesn’t respect Scott Steiner. Steiner basically says that he’s going to fuck Shannon’s girlfriend (Jeff Hardy), except he calls it “pissknocking her”. Then he talks about smacking dudes in bars and them not fighting back. Not that this has anything to do with anything, but it was still awesome.
Pissnock her? Did he say pissknock her? Ha, they used AJ to put over Bully Ray. AJ really isn’t on this show. Wow.
Bully Ray is walking around backstage, completely out of breath from… talking. He’s being asked why he put AJ Styles out. Basically he yells about how he’s going to kick everyone’s ass, and all cops are pigs. Or something.
Orlando Jordan and Eric Young are coming to the ring. Orlando Jordan looks like Michael Jackson fucked a giant package of Skittles, and then decided he would make the contents of that package of Skittles into a speedo, after his botched nosejob, but before the color change. Not that that’s possible. But you get the idea. Commercial.
I bet Orlando has a good deal in TNA, that’s why they can’t get rid of him.
Now Jeff Jarrett and Karen are talking to Hogan. He wants out of the cage match at LockDown. Hulk Hogan is just talking about how it was supposed to be different or something? I don’t know why. Now he’s talking about Rob Terry. Karen just wants Jeff out of the match. But Jeff is all about whatever this Rob Terry thing that Hogan is talking about. Hogan tells Jarrett to go take care of it.
ROB TERRY IS GONNA FIX THE SITUATION!
Scott Steiner (w/ Crimson) .vs. Shannon Moore (w/ Jesse Neal)
Eric Young & Orlando Jordan on commentary. Fuck ME.
Oy. So Eric and Orlando have an announcement, apparently they’re in a 4-way tag-match with Steiner and Crimson, Ink Inc., and a mystery team. Did they make that match or did they have a referee or Bischoff or Hogan or Dixie or Foley make it? So the match starts, but Orlando, Eric, Tenay and Taz are just talking over each-other non-stop. They don’t care about the match. They want to talk about Orlando’s headpeice and Eric Young’s t-shirt. It’s impossible to focus, it would be one thing if they were talking about the match. Taz tries to get everyone focused a couple times, but he just goes back to talking about Orlando’s hair and naming random tag teams. He has like TNA ADHD now.
This is the best I can do. Basically Shannon Moore sucks, and Scott Steiner is awesome, but he’s pretty crippled. Shannon tries to bail at some point, but Crimson tosses him back in. Shannon hits Steiner with a cheap shot, and dominates a lot of the match and mocks Steiner. Now all 4 guys on commentary are talking about how respectful Jesse Neal is. Now Shannon is wearing Steiner’s headpiece, and attempts a moonsault that misses. Steiner is swearing, and gives Shannon a suplex and a punch and a clothesline, followed by the flexing elbow drop and push-ups. Now the announcers are talking about how Orlando Jordan wants to fuck Scott Steiner. Then we cut to these 4 guys announcing during the climax of the match. Steiner goes to the top rope, and hits a TOP ROPE FRANKENSTEINER. I can’t believe he can still pull thoes off. Pin.
Winner: Scott Steiner (Shannon Moore blows.)
Crimson is pretty lame. Taz should have choked Eric out.
Orlando and Eric Young walk down to the ring, congratulating Steiner and Crimson on the way, but they get jumped by Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams, and Tenay wonders if they’re the fourth “mystery team” at LockDown. Probably not, right?
It’s hard keeping score, because they don’t seem to follow any logic.
Commercial. Staying awake for 16 hours on your own is basically impossible. But they have drugs that can help you. Also, the ad for TNAOnDemand, whatever that is, features nothing but wrestlers who are no longer with the company. Ha!
Mr. Anderson is talking to a poster of himself. It’s not funny. Now Karen is talking to Jeff Jarrett, but Jarrett is also talking to a poster of Mr. Anderson, wondering why he is on the poster. Karen is trying to tell Jeff Jarrett that his plans are stupid. His plans are always stupid. Now they’re yelling at each other. This marriage is off to a great start.
Karen sucks at acting. She needs to learn how to take turns.
Now we are having a promo with Generation ME telling each other that the other one is selfish. They’re breaking up, I guess? And they couldn’t just talk to each other about their issues, they would only speak to each other through a music video with the same spots played over and over again. This is a great start to a feud.
TNA remembers it has an “X” Division, huh? Some weeks it does. Most weeks it doesn’t. I’m not sure who even has the belt. I’m not sure who has any belts except Sting. Or what titles are even in TNA. They actually have WOMEN’S TAG BELTS. So its possible they have anything.
Max Buck .vs. Jeremy Buck
So for some reason, the crowd is crazy into this match. I’m not too sure why, not that it was a bad match or anything, but many times the Impact Zone don’t actually care about good matches. This match goes back and forth, with a lot of high-flying stuff. I guess Max is the older one who is a jerk, and Jeremy is the fiery babyface. Jerremy does try to shake hands at some point, and Max suckerpunches him – then they do the same type of spot several times, and Jeremy falls for it each time. Max Buck eventually wins by kicking Jeremy in the head and giving him a version of Sliced Bread.
Some very innovative stuff is done, but this match will likely take some deserved heat for just basically being a spot-fest. The match was short, but still longer than most Impact matches. I recommend actually watching the match. TNA will have it on the YouTube channel. It wasn’t great, but it was easily the best match on Impact in weeks.
Winner: Max Buck (The Evil One)
IÂ don’t get why they have them split up though, with no reason, when they need tag teams right now?
Fortune has arrived at the arena. Kaz gets a text, and I guess someone’s plane has landed. Robert Roode is looking forward to whoever it is getting to the arena. James Storm wants that person to bring beer. Kaz and Roode think that Storm has a problem. Commercial.
Backstage, Winter is telling her rape bride to drink something and that everything will be okay. DID YOU KNOW? Forced hypnosis and / or date rape is illegal. Velvet Sky should contact her local authorities on Angelina’s behalf after her shift at Sunglass Hut.
RUFFIES!!!  Or wait, fuck, does this blonde chick have a concussion now too?
Then… HOLY SHIT. The Winter / Angelina thing gets a VIDEO PACKAGE of this feud’s illustrious history. Highlights include Winter being invisible for a time, and of course, the word BITCH. This package is also filled with some of the most epic and dramatic music and sound effects… ever. By anyone. The thing is, the feud itself is laughable, a complete shitpile, AND it makes no sense. The result is the most hilarious, mixed-message, craziest 10-star video package ever.
Seriously. You HAVE TO see this if you didn’t watch Impact. You will thank me. That was the most awesome thing ever.
It’s like the TNA angles all lead to someone getting Ruffied or raped.
Velvet Sky .vs. Winter
They do the intros. Then they go to commercial. Then Velvet charges Winter and gives her like 7 running hugs in to the corner. Taz is basically saying that this whole Winter / Angelina / Velvet thing is normal for most female friendships. He also says that it’s hot. Velvet Sky hits a few wrestling moves like a dropkick to complement the running hugs. Winter knows how to pull hair, which she does a few times. Apparently this is like Kryptonite to Velvet Sky, though, because she is now playing dead on the mat. Winter then hits a bodyslam and chokes her with the shoe. Then she goes back to a hair pulling. Then a backbreaker. Taz and Tenay wonder why Angelina is in a trance. Could it be whatever was in the cup, you fucking idiots?
Velvet takes control, and hits a clothesline and a hair bulldog. Then Winter’s rape bride comes down the ramp. Velvet is confused, so Winter jumps her from behind and gives her knees to the kidney. Then as she chokes her on the rope, Winter is yelling to the camera and to Velvet about how Angelina belongs to her now. Beautiful. Winter hits a swinging backbreaker and a crossface. Velvet taps.
Winner: Winter The Date Rapist
After the match, Winter starts choking Velvet. Angelina just stares off into space. The camera gets about 3 inches from her face. Tenay says he’s “looking forward to learning more about this relationship.” I guess he’d like to get the facts before he jumps to conclusions?!?!
I’m about to pass out. This is fucking ridiculous.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Now Anderson is back out. He’s calling for Sting. Now Sting is coming out.
ANDERSON AGAIN!?! Is this a replay of the beginning of the show???
Anderson pretends he’s going to apologize. He then punches Sting. Then Sting kicks his ass, and they brawl outside of the ring.
I was wrong. This is totally different. They totally needed this second segment with the exact same thing happening.
Anderson and Sting brawl into the crowd. The beat each other up against walls and stuff. Anderson is terrible. Even his punches look awful. They come back to the ring, continuing to brawl. This is at about the 5-minute mark so far. Then Immortal comes down, Matt Hardy, Bully Ray and Abyss. They start beating on both guys. Ray goes after one of Sting’s legs. Crowd is chanting for RVD. Ray beats Sting with the microphone. Hardy and Abyss are working over Anderson on the outside.
This is crazy. I feel like this already happened.
Rob Van Dam hits the ring, and clears the ring of Bully Ray. He does not help Ken Anderson though, and just leaves afterward. Matt Hardy and Bully Ray roll Anderson into the ring, and Sting gives Anderson a shot to the face before knocking Immortal off the apron.
Okay… so now, Karen Angle is on the phone with the police. She is talking about someone coming after her and she needs the cops. Jarrett is pounding on a locker screaming that “he’s coming”. Then she hangs up the phone and says the cops are coming. Jarrett is glad that “it worked”. They hug. Umm… cameras are right there. DID YOU KNOW? Fraudelant 911 calls are a felony offense. And this one was broadcasted on national television.
Apparently, Kurt Angle is wrestling after the next commercial. Mike Tenay says we don’t know who his opponent is. Except that it’s basically Rob Terry. And the cops are going to come and arrest him. I don’t even know what to say here. Swayze?
Fuck. Fuck. I’m exhausted. This is killing me. Goodnight.
No, you can’t… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Too late. He’s gone. Well, he lasted for an hour and fifteen minutes out of two hours.
Now Flair is with Hardy, Ray and Abyss. Flair says he wasn’t even out there, and if he had been it would have been even worse. Flair says Van Dam is nothing and he doesn’t know who he is. Matt Hardy broods. Ray says he is going to kick Van Dam’s ass. Abyss screams. Flair says they’re going to need to change the PPV in April, because Van Dam, Anderson and Sting won’t be on it.
Velvet says Winter is a crazy bitch. Velvet says she’s going to kill Winter at LockDown. She says she doesn’t know what’s happened to Angelina. Then she says that Angelina’s been drugged. Make up your fucking mind, lady! She says she’s going to take out Winter and get Angelina out of her trance. Then she points to her boobs.
Kurt Angle .vs. Mystery Opponent (Rob Terry)
So Kurt is supposed to be wrestling, except he’s in jeans and calling out Jarrett. So Jarrett and Rob Terry come out. Kurt Angle is shaking his head. Rob Terry looks like he needs to spend a bit more time in the gym. Jarrett tries to distract Angle. It works, and Terry beats on him from behind. Angle just cares about getting to Jarrett. Terry is hitting Angle with all his offensive moves… punches and elbows. Terry busts out a third move, and charges, but Kurt gets a foot out and dives at him. Terry grabs him and forgets what to do, but Jarrett has it figured out and tells him to slam him. So Terry does.
Angle comes up from behind, and hits an Ankle Lock.
Winner: Kurt Angle (Rob Terry blows.)
Angle chases Jarrett around the ring, and up the ramp. He almost Angle slams him off the stage, but Jarrett gets away. Angle chases him to the back.
Kurt Angle .vs. Getting Arrested
So Angle follows Jarrett backstage, and runs into Karen screaming with some cops. They arrest Angle. The cops don’t even turn around, and Karen is grinning all evil. For crying out loud.
IÂ realize this is taped ahead of time, but the irony here is AMAZING.
Winner: Not Kurt Angle Circa Present Day
Fortune is confused about what is going on with Sting. They’re confused as to why Van Dam didn’t help Sting. Van Dam DID help Sting. It was Anderson that he didn’t help. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Now they say that the “four” of them (…) need to figure out what’s going on. Commercial.
Hogan and Bischoff basically explain why the cage match was a good idea for them. Which is something we already knew. The cage is up in the arena.
Steel Cage Match
Sting, Rob Van Dam & Mr. Anderson .vs. Abyss, Bully Ray & Code Blue (w/ Ric Flair w/o meds)
During Anderson’s entrance, Sting jumps him. Van Dam goes to try to keep peace, but gets jumped by Flair. Immortal drag him in the ring, eventually Sting follows him. It’s still 3-on-2. Sting cleans house though, and dishes out some Stinger Splashes as we relive WCW War Games 1996. Sting gets on top of Hardy and dishes out some punches on the turnbuckle. Sting then no-sells an atomic drop by Hardy, but Ray jumps him from behind. Anderson is hanging around the ring outside, not getting in, while Immortal dominates Van Dam and Sting. Anderson grabs a chair and sits down to watch it happen. Taz says he is a… YOU GUESSED IT!!! Commercial.
When we’re back, more of the same are happening. Immortal is killing Van Dam and Sting. Anderson is adjusting his chair. Hardy with a neckbreaker on Van Dam. Sting is is getting choked out by Abyss. Hogan eventually comes down… in a backbrace…Â and he doesn’t look happy with Anderson. Anderson is laughing at him. Hogan is telling him to get in the ring. Anderson is ignoring him, then jumps up and tries to attack him. Hogan plays heel and says he has glasses on and a backbrace, then rakes Anderson in the eyes and punches him, then tosses him into the cage. Holy shit. Not good holy shit. Bad holy shit. Hulk Hogan just kicked Ken Anderson’s ass.
So Anderson hits the cage. Sting starts kicking ANDERSON’S ass. Immortal is laughing at them, and eventually beat down all 3 of them. Flair is pulling Van Dam’s hair through the cage? Matt Hardy tries to pin Sting, but Sting kicks out.
So… okay… now… it’s an actual tag match. In the cage. I don’t know why it wasn’t before now. But now dudes are actually standing on the apron waiting to get tagged and there’s a ref in the ring. Am I just stupid now? I don’t understand anything anymore. Anyway, Sting and Abyss are legal, and Abyss is wailing away on Sting. He eventually tags Ray, and both of them beat down. Van Dam is up on the apron but unwilling to help apparently. He helped Sting earlier. I don’t know. Whatever. Ray and Abyss try a double clothesline that Sting ducks, then hits them with one.
Sting tags in RVD, who cleans house with kicks and clotheslines and one really nice dropkick to Ray. Abyss hits Van Dam, from behind, and they jockey, but Van Dam gives him a thrust kick. Van Dam goes up for a 5-star, but Anderson pushes him off, and Ray hits a Bubba-Bomb. Pin.
Winners: Abyss, Bully Ray & Matt Hardy
Anderson staggers up the ramp, and he’s laughing. Immortal is also laughing. Immortal is also still kicking Van Dam and Sting’s asses.
Fortune hits the ring, and start clearing out Immortal. Flair is locking them in the cage? But Immortal is out-numbered. Smooth move, Naitch. But… apparently Immortal is still dominating for some reason, even though they’ve been through a brutal match, plus Fortune is fresh and Van Dam and Sting are still in there.. Tenay is talking about Immortal and the numbers game. THEY’RE FUCKING OUTNUMBERED!!!Â
I MUST be stupid now. I must have missed something. Is Fortune supposed to suck now? They weren’t in a match, and it’s now 5-on-3 against Immortal. And Immortal is still winning, and they were all in a match. Hardy is just killing Kaz, who has already bladed. Flair is laughing and going nuts outside the ring. Hardy with a Side Effect on Kaz. Then a Twist Of Fate on Roode. Abyss with a chokeslam on Hardy. Abyss with the chain to Kaz. Ray is beating down Van Dam with a different chain.
This goes on for like 5 minutes at least.
HOLY SHIT!!! IT’S CHRISTOPHER FUCKING DANIELS!!! HOLY SHIT!!! I’M ACTUALLY IMPRESSED!!!
So the Impact Zone goes absolutely batshit. You NEVER heard them do this for Morgan or Anderson. EVER.Â
Daniels climbs the cage, and dives off, landing on Immortal. The crowd is chanting “Fallen Angel”. Daniels is awesome. Commercial.
Flair is yelling in the back. He doesn’t know who jumped off the cage. He says he’s never heard of Daniels. Abyss says it’s AJ’s friend. Flair says Daniels weighs 140 pounds. He’s just totally burying Daneils. Awesome. Anyway, Immortal is talking about how they won the match. Flair is just going completely batshit here. He needs help. He ends with telling mothers to hide their daughters. Ray tells Daniels that returning to TNA was a good idea, but not against Immortal.
Daniels says that he wasn’t going to let Immortal walk around TNA after they took AJ Styles out, and that the next time he has blood on his hands, it’s going to be Bully Ray’s. Kaz says that he doesn’t care how much he bleeds, he’s going to avenge AJ Styles. Kaz says he’s just getting warmed up for LockDown. Roode and Storm say that now they’re the dangerous ones, and that they’re the ones that are going to finish their careers. Daniels says that they built TNA, and that this is just the beginning.
Sting says that it’s showtime.
Someone is trying to follow Anderson, but Van Dam jumps him from behind and kicks his ass. He beats him down, and says “thanks for tonight, Ken.” Anderson is groaning on the ground, saying he is going to beat Van Dam’s ass.
Wow. The end of that show was crazy. And not bad crazy. But crazy. The rest of the show was awful.
I guess that’s it for this week. A pretty bad show, all things considered, but seeing Daniels again and the reaction he got was really cool. Sure, he’ll probably be used as a jobber for wastes of skin like Hardy, Morgan and Anderson, but it was cool to relive when TNA wasn’t terrible, if only for a minute. Like I said, the end of the show was good. But they’ve tried this before, and then panic and abort it a week later when it hasn’t made the ratings go up IMMEDIATELY.
I would like to thank Swayze for hanging on as long as he did. I can’t say I blame him for ditching out, and if anything, this proves that Impact is not an easy show to watch, even for a lifelong fan.
Enjoy WrestleMania weekend! I’m looking forward to the Ring Of Honor events, and WrestleMania itself might not be all that good, but we might be surprised, and it’ll probably be fun at the very least.
This has been “That Being Said”.
