STEPHANIE: “Hey Matt! Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah [breathes] Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah, blah blah blah [breathes] blah blah blah blah…”
Why do women do this? Seriously… This is what I fear most about marriage: “Hey honey, how you doing? Glad you’re home! How was your day? But back to me. My day was fine, except Denise from accounting thinks she’s cute. She was all like blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
REDEMPTION ISLAND DUEL
JEFF: “As you know, the Redemption Island Challenges are designed to get more difficult with each episode. For today’s challenge, and yet ANOTHER shot at 1 million dollars — pick a number!!! Matt, pick a number!”
MATT: “God says ‘7!'”
STEPHANIE: “‘6?'”
JEFF: “Matt wins!”
MATT: “Oh God, oh so merciful Lord that art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!”
GOD: Not a problem. My NCAA bracket is all messed up anyway. Damn Butler.
MATT: Is BYU still in it?
GOD: BYU? Hell no! I barely let them get in the tournament.
STEPHANIE: “This is bullshit, God! What about me?!?! And what the Fuck is wrong with you, Jesus! God just won like 5 challenges in a row, you gonna just let him punk you like that? Stop turning the other cheek and get down here and start whoopin’ some ass!!! Goddammit!”
NEW SEGMENTS I’M INTRODUCING TO THE BLAWG
- STRATEGY BY RALPH
RALPH: “David thinks he am smartly than me because he am a lawyer! He thinks he are more abover than everyone else are above! But it don’t take no damn smarts to win Survivor! That gives me a advantage!”
- WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR
GRANT. When Rob came back from the Redemption Challenge, Grant was just sitting there by his lonesome on this tiny little 6′ x 6′ blanket. He didn’t even have his own lawn-chair like what’s her name and what’s her name with the armpit problems…I don’t know how he can hack it out there. Hopefully, he’ll get one of those inflatable airplane neck pillows in the next challenge…
- PHILLIP’S MISPRONUNCIATIONS
PHILLIP: “Rob thinks he’s better at me at this game. But THAT is his error! You either Do, or Do Not. There is no try. It’s like the famous horseman Makakahashiki Mushuporkwashuwashi, who wrote a book called “Rings of the 5 Books” once said: you have to follow the “Bushudo Code!”
Hmmm, I wonder if that’s anything like the “Bushido” code. And I’ve actually read the book, I’m pretty sure his name was Miyamoto Musashi…dude was a SAMURAI, not a “horseman”.
- SELFISH SHIT THAT KIND OF PISSES THE BOBDAWGSTA OFF
The fact that I got booted in episode 5 for “stealing the wine” after being the whole reason we had wine in the first place due to my unprecedented awesomeness in the arena of fish-chopping and Phillip gets to walk around with his balls out and call people everything EXCEPT their actual name, doing everything you can possibly do wrong socially, and he’s in episode 7, chillin…I understand he’s supposedly “good tv.” I think they overestimated that. But there’s nothing remotely close to Survivor “skillz” in his package. He was cast to be a train-wreck, and ONLY a train-wreck. The competitor in me thinks people should ONLY be cast if there’s at least an outside chance that they could win. This dude took a real “player’s” spot…that bothers me. He’s not even that great a character…Normally, if you told me an old black dude would get on Survivor and would be flexing his biceps and walking around w/ his balls hanging out, I’d think that would be cool — in fact, I’d think it would be me. But this is wearing thin…
- FUNNY SHIT
PHILLIP saying “First time I get a chance to get rid of Rob, he’s gone!”
Sounds kind of like John Starks saying “Next time I get to take Jordan to the hoop, it’s on!”
Yeah, ok John. Paper, not plastic.
- ARMPIT CREW
Armpit No. 1: “Woo hoo! Mooooooooooooooooooore foooooooooooooood! Woo hoo! We haven’t had this much food since last episode! Woo hooooo!”
Armpit No. 2: “Hey, the last 4 reward challenges, there was a clue…do you think there might be one here?
Armpit No 1: “NO!”
Armpit No. 3: “HELL NO!”
Armpit No 1: “FUCK NO! We’re on the tee-vee!”
Armpit No 3: “Yeah, what are you, stoo-pit? Pass me some more of that eh-toof-fay”
Armpit No 2: “I guess you’re right. I’d like another sub-sandwich please. I’ll go with the footlong on asiago cheese bread. Easy on the oil and vinegar, extra olives….What? There’s no olives?!?! ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!! [breaks down in tears]. They’re trying to destroy me!!! It’s just like Linda from accounting!!! She thinks she’s sooooooo cute! She was all like blah blah blah blah blah…”
ROB: “I was going to let someone hold my jock-strap, but…they can’t. The funny thing is that it has only taken me FOUR times playing Survivor, a tribe of dufuses, and 5 immunity idol clues to get this good! I hope I don’t get voted out next episode…”
- TRIBAL
STRATEGY BY RALPH (AGAIN)
JEFF: Ralph, you always seem to have something brilliant to say. Do you think it’s better to have a tribe that works together, that has a good mix of athleticism, intelligence, work ethic and loyalty? You know, cohesive?”
RALPH: “Coal he said? HAAAAALE NO JEFF! I don’t care about what coal he said!”
JEFF: “I said ‘cohesive.'”
RALPH: Mane, ah think dat ain’t da breo da muh mill and I say da bruh denna bix, tal! And further, it ain’t like da guh my lire steen mag! Grok?”
JEFF: “Ummmm….Ok.Time to vote.”
RALPH: “Boat? What? Awww sheeeeeit. I ain’t got no boat!”
JEFF: “No, I said ‘vote'”.
RALPH: “Y’all gon’ let me vote?!?! YEE-HAH!”
JEFF: All you have to do is go up there and write someone’s name down.
RALPH: Write? Dang…Do I gotsta spale too?
JEFF: Just do your best.
RALPH: YEE-HAH! “S-U-H-“…ummm…”S-E-H”…dang…
[8 minutes later]
JEFF: Just point at someone…
RALPH: Huh! Dat guh right deh!
…
Give me another Heroes v Villains…please.
