I finally caught up on The Celebrity Apprentice, and you know what? It’s not nearly as much fun when both teams manage to produce decent work. Not that I was a big fan of the men’s commercial for whatever company it is the makes that video phone. (Clearly they did not get their moneys worth. I just watched a two hour episode featuring nothing but their product and still cannot remember the name of the company. Nor do I care to.)
But before I delve into the ridiculousness of Jose Canseco in eyeliner, let’s call this what it is – an extremely belated Five Wacky Wonders of The Celebrity Apprentice.
- Talking to aliens. As if it isn’t bad enough to pitch a video phone commercial where humans use it to interact with aliens, Jose actually pitched it in front of the executives. And not just talking to aliens, but communicating with them “in a very positive, very personal, very funny way.” Because really, that would make all the difference. And it’s such a groundbreaking idea, too! I’ve never seen an alien use a phone before. Honestly, what’s with this guy? He at least does not have the excuse of a crazy motorcycle accident messing with his brain. Was it the steroids? Or, more likely, is he just a meathead dullard?
- Coming out of the closet is hilllaaaarious! I was not down with the men’s concept for the commercial. Not because I’m against gay marriage, because I couldn’t be more for it. Not because I thought the executives would be against gay marriage, because I wasn’t sure about that. No, I was offended on a comedic level. Was that really supposed to be funny? It was so bad! Everything from Gary Busey barely hiding his “Big Wednesday” under his robe to the ridiculousness of a guy informing his grandparents that he’s gay over the phone. On Christmas. It was all just sooooo dumb. Plus, who on earth would give Jose Canseco an acting role after witnessing that play last week? I’ve never heard someone deliver a one word line with such an awkward stiffness before!
- Arguing over old people. Both teams argued over old people this week. The men debated whether grandmas have pink or purple couches, or if there’s even any difference between those two colors. The women debated whether Dionne should have left early to go to bed. OK, that was less of a debate and more of a communal moping. Dionne left her team behind so she could go to bed, and thus sealed her fate. Even if I hadn’t accidentally turned on a podcast that told me Dionne had been fired before I actually saw this episode, I would have found it predictable.
- Quiet on the set! This week, I was surprised to find out that I kinda love NeNe Leakes. She’s funny! And she did a good job! I thought her commercial deserved to win, and I did not think she oozed sex when she delivered the line “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.” But, you know, if Star wants to be the expert on how NOT to be sexy, she can go right ahead. I also like NeNe because she tells it like it is, and complained that “She’s sweet, but LaToya can’t tell you one plus one.” Oh come on, sure she can! After all, A-B-C is easy as 1-2-3! (As simple as Do-Re-Mi, A-B-C, 1-2-3, baby you and me girl! Sorry, I just had to.)
- “This is a mess.” You said it, Lil Jon! Not only was Lil Jon a good Project Manager, but once again he delivers on the nose insights about the other team! After the men pulled out a shocking victory – their third in a row- the women turned on one another in the boardroom. The only plus side of the women losing? We didn’t have to hear anymore awkward discussions about who’s gay and who’s not on the men’s team. Because frankly, Meat Loaf, that jacket suggests you should have been playing the role of “Pablo”. The women targeted LaToya and Dionne as weak links on the team, but for some reason Trump had a very hard time believing that LaToya Jackson wasn’t an outstanding business woman. Why? Because she single-handedly cultivated a career for her brother Michael? Because she took advantage of her family’s success by carving out a career for herself as a popular choreographer and pop singer? Because…she appeared in a popular issue of Playboy? It must be that one.
In any case, Dionne made the mistake of telling Trump to go ahead and fire her, and as we all know that means curtains. Despite using the word “respect” about 50 million times in reference to Dionne over the course of the boardroom, Trump sent her packing. Obviously, he had no choice – or at least that’s what his kids always tell him. “She looked me in the eye and she challenged me to fire her,” said Trump. “And nobody gets away with that.” Not even legends!
