Welcome to “That Being Said”, your weekly Inside Pulse recap for TNA Impact.
So I watched a really stupid amount of wrestling over the weekend. I probably haven’t watched that much wrestling in that protracted a period of time, ever. 2 hours of TNA on Thursday. 3 and a half hours of ROH on Friday. 3 and a half hours of ROH on Saturday. FOUR HOURS of WrestleMania on Sunday. I even watched most of RAW on Monday, so that’s another 2 and a half hours, plus Hall Of Fame, which was another hour, plus I viewed a bit of Tough Enough and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! THAT’S SEVENTEEN HOURS OF FUCKING WRESTLING!!!
I already covered TNA last week. The 2 Ring Of Honor iPPV’s over the weekend were both really good, and well worth the $20 for both shows. I highly recommend anyone who hasn’t checked out an ROH iPPV do so. Especially people who aren’t really buying what WWE and TNA are putting out these days. It’s a very nice, alternative, simple product that delivers what it promises. The only thing they need to do is stop comparing themselves to WWE and TNA, because honestly it’s a completely different product and comparing themselves to them makes them look inferior instead of alternative. Before I give my thought on WrestleMania, I want to remind everyone that I said last week that I stated my belief that WrestleMania would be a fun show, despite not having a lot of matches to look forward to.
I was wrong.
WrestleMania felt like getting waterboarded on my birthday.
Triple H and Undertaker was not a great match, but it was good. Slow, but good. The rest of the show… yeah, I don’t even really know what they were going for. And I’m not a WWE hater. I absolutely understand what WWE is doing with their current product, and they have good reason and very good business sense to be going that direction. I may not neccesarily enjoy the product myself, but I understand the logic behind it. But WrestleMania is a show that usually deilvers on at least some level. This show did not. It showcased WWE’s extreme lack of faith (justified) in their current stars (Cena, Orton, Del Rio, Edge, Miz) and just how they don’t really care about doing wrestling matches anymore. I figured, knowing they had a lot of eyes on them thanks to the likes of The Rock, Stone Cold, Undertaker, Triple H, Snooki, Trish Stratus, and Jim Ross, that they would use that to try to do something that would try to convince those eyes that wouldn’t tune in regularly to do so again. I don’t see why anyone who tuned in, who didn’t normally, ever would again. That’s just my opinion, mind you.
I guess Daniel Bryan is supposed to suck now. He jobbed to Shaemus like 3 times in a row, clean, in every sense of the word “job” and he couldn’t even get on WrestleMania. This is very sad, but should surprise no one when WWE is trying to make people forget that “wrestling” is one of the three words in their acronym and Daniel Bryan’s only piece of WWE merchandise that I’m aware of says “Submission Wrestling” on it. So yeah, he’s pretty screwed I think. Undertaker is not going to be on the show for a while, most likely. Triple H is not going to be on the show for a while, most likely. The Rock won’t be around anymore. Shawn Michaels won’t be around anymore. Steve Austin won’t be around anymore. So there’s pretty much no one I care to watch on WWE right now. Randy Orton, no thank you. Miz and Del Rio just seem to me like Shaemus and Swagger did last year – complete chumps. And I’m not a Cena fan by ANY stretch, but I don’t understand why they’re making him out to look like such a little bitch. He jumps Rock from behind last week, then Rock costs him the title at the biggest show of the year, and all he wants to do is yell happily about a match, and then NOT say anything when Rock says he doesn’t want to fight for a year?
I wasn’t watching WWE a lot before Royal Rumble, almost never in fact. But I defend a lot of what WWE does, I was even behind that Nexus shit that they tried because it was something different. They pretty much don’t need to try anything different with the money they’re making right now, and it may not have worked out, but they still tried. But now that ‘Mania is over, I’m pretty sure I’m at the point where I don’t need to watch WWE again until something changes. Not like I can’t YouTube-ing whatever Punk, Bryan and Kofi are up to.
Now I know that by this point, no one thinks I’m recommending TNA as a suitable replacement. It’s not. At all. But you know what, I know this probably isn’t going to win me any fans, but I think I would actually rather watch TNA constantly fuck up and put on a 2 hour seizure concussion than be bored to tears by WWE. At least TNA isn’t boring in it’s clustfuckery, and there’s always the chance that Hogan, Flair, and a bunch of other guys will just drop dead in the ring and they would be forced to go back to using AJ, Daniels and Joe. Until then, when I want wrestling matches I actually enjoy, I’ll check out Ring Of Honor. And when I want to laugh, hope and be amazed at a truly jaw-dropping amount of wasted potential, I’ll watch TNA.
I do want to say I really enjoyed the Hall Of Fame with Shawn Michaels getting inducted. For anyone wondering who my all-time favorite wrestler is, it’s Shawn Michaels, so that was really cool for me. Seeing the speech, the reuniting with Kevin Nash and even X-Pac, who I loathe… those types of things are the only stuff I really enjoy in WWE anymore. And, for anyone who hasn’t seen them, WWE has some videos on their YouTube channels of Shawn’s WrestleMania weekend, which include some cool stuff like him being given a belt buckle by Ric Flair backstage, re-creating the famous Kliq picture with Nash and X-Pac, and watching the HHH / Undertaker match. Check them out.
No Interinactivity this week. Thanks again for the kind words, but the only thing I can think of to really respond to is Fuj, who doesn’t really respond back and kinda just continues to randomly state odd things without any reasoning. TNA needs people like Fuj, but I’m not totally convinced it’s not just a bot. But hey, if he’s not, there are only so many people who are willing to cheer for Stone Cold Rock Flair. So, good for him. Let it rest.
All right, let’s do this mess. And follow me on Twitter already. I’m trying to see if I can get a hashtag to check on during tonight’s episode of Impact. Check it out at www.twitter.com/BlairADouglas.
“The Rise Of The Fallen Angel”
They actually had a decent video package to open this week – it was about Daniels’ return. This is also the first time ever that the title of the episode has not been awful.
Out first this week is Fortune and Christopher Daniels. Daniels gets a “welcome back” chant and he says that his relationship with TNA has been rocky. He says he’s been in and out of the company so many times that it feels like there’s a revolving door with his name on it, but that he doesn’t mind, because that’s the wrestling business. He says that more important to him than the business is the friendships that he’s made within the company. He brings up AJ Styles, and says that when he came to TNA they agreed to have each other’s backs, and they’ve kept that promise for 8 years. He says when he saw what happened to AJ, that he realized it was time to come back to TNA. He offers his devotion to Fortune, and asks them to let him be the fourth man in Lethal Lockdown.
Terrible Hogan music hits, and Immortal hits the stage – Ric Flair, Abyss, Bully Ray, and Cold Blood. They climb into the ring, and Ray is yelling at Kaz. Flair says he thinks this has gone on too long, past the point of no return. Flair calls himself God again, and says he doesn’t know who Daniels is. Flair says he hopes AJ can never walk again. He asks Fortune what they’re doing letting Daniels talk for them, and gives Daniels a chance to leave the ring, and leave TNA. Daniels says he can take the offer and shove it. Flair says that since Daniels doesn’t have a contract, so he has to leave. (The sentance whereby he says this has about 137 words in it and doesn’t make any sense. It’s tremendous.)
Daniels says that even though Immortal doesn’t want them there, The Network does, and says that it seems like someone is one step ahead of Immortal. Terrible Hogan music hits again, and he and Bischoff come out. Hogan says that he’s in charge and that they love The Network, and so they want Daniels to get a contract and for him to be in Lethal Lockdown. This completely undermines everything Flair just spent 5 minutes saying. Then he says that since he’s in charge, Daniels has a match with Bully Ray tonight.
Bully Ray dresses down Daniels, and says that even though Daniels has balls, that he’s stupid. He tells Daniels to go put on more eyeliner and lipstick and watch Oprah. Daniels says that the guy wearing eyeliner and lipstick is going to be kicking Ray’s ass later. A brawl breaks up, and Fortune clears the ring while Hogan yells for security.
A little bit long, and I could have done without Hogan and Flair totally contradicting each other, but a decent opening segment.
Mr. Anderson is in the back. Oy. He is singing and talking to himself. It’s not funny. He has a laptop. And he has a note for “Kennedy”. It’s from Sting, and the note says that tonight is showtime. Anderson says that he wishes Sting had sent him flowers. This is not funny. Then he sings again while he plays with his laptop. This also is not funny. HE DRAWS WITH FUJ!!! So he must be good.
Commercials. Hulk Hogan does things on commercials he can no longer do in real life. Like dig holes and save his money.
In the back, Hogan is very upset about The Network knowing their moves. He is punching lockers. He just said he loved the netowrk, now he is complaining about them… on The Network’s shows. This whole storyline doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but that’s a moot point at this… point. (Dammit.)Â He says The Network is acting like a wrestler. He says it should have been “Hogan Law” when he won the court case against Dixie. He says that he doesn’t know that side of the business like Bischoff does. Bischoff gives Hogan his word that they’ll fix it.
The Mexicools .vs. Tommy Dreamer & D-Von
D-Von and Tommy hit the ring and a brawl breaks out. D-Von starts strong against Anarchia. He hits a diving headbut for a 2-count. D-Von then gives him a drop-toe hold followed up by an elbow from Tommy. Tommy bodyslams him and tags D-Von back in. They do the WASSAP spot. Hernandez comes in and jumps Tommy, then he and D-Von brawl. Anarchia gets tossed outside. This dude is a chump so far. D-Von is punching out Hernandez, and Anarchia puts Tommy into the ringpost. Rosita jumps into the ring, so D-Von makes out with her. Someone should explian to him the concept of sexual harassment.
While the ref takes care of the girls, Anarchia hits D-Von from behind with a weapon of some sort. Hernandez pins.
Winners: LAX 3.0
The latinas roll up the mats at ringside while the latinos continue to beat down Dreamer and D-Von. Hernandez prepares to give Tommy a Border Toss to the exposed concrete, then BIG MAN Matt Morgan hits the ring. BIG! BIG MAN! Hernandez tosses Anarchia into Morgan, and Morgan gives him a chokeslam. Hernandez runs. Anarchia rolls out of the ring and joins LAX on the ramp. He apparently is cool with being used like a sucker.
Commercial.
Backstage, Winter is upset that her rape bride apologized to Velvet and agreed to be her tag-team partner tonight. She says she loves Angelina and that she will always have her best interests at heart. Then she makes her drink more roofies. Is she supposed to wrestle in this condition? I submit for my audience’s approval: they could NEVER do thist storyline if Winter was a guy. Because that would be rape.
The announcers sell Samoa Joe and The Pope fighting at LockDown. I sure hope it actually goes down this time. Samoa Joe comes out, then Pope comes out for commentary. Pope is too cool for a headset though, so he just uses a mic.
Samoa Joe .vs. Murphy
Murphy jumps Joe while he’s distracted watching Pope. It doesn’t last long, as Joe takes down Murphy and chokes him out. He taps.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Five stars. Joe leaves out of the ring, and chases Pope to the back. Pope was able to get in 2 sentances in total. That segment lasted about 3 minutes total. They have so much faith in these guys.
They had to make that quick though, because we have another Ken Anderson segment. He is walking around backstage finding notes from Sting I guess. No idea how he knows where to look for these notes. Anyway, he finds another note, doesn’t like it, and starts yelling and arguing… with the note.
Commercial.
TNA Knockout Tag Team Title Match
Sarita & Rosita .vs. Angelina Love & Velvet Sky
Before the match, Sarita & Rosita are just pointing and yelling at each other for no reason. Then Velvet drags a basically unconscious Angelina out to the ring. Angelina can barely get up onto the ring. TNA won’t let their wrestlers compete while concussed. I guess wrestling while being date raped is cool though.
Mexicools jump Velvet as soon as she gets in the ring. Angelina just stands on the apron. Velvet gives Sarita a couple dropkicks, so Sarita tags Rosita. Rosita eats an atomic drop, and a hair bulldog followed by a couple legdrops. Velvet then hits a clothesline. Has Rosita had an offensive move, once, ever? If she’s such a great wrestler, how good is Velvet? I don’t understand some people.
Velvet goes to tag Angelina. Winter comes out. Velvet yells at Winter. Winter gives a hand gesture to Angelina. Angelina then rakes Velvet across the rope, then jumps in the ring and kicks her ass. Holy good wow.
Rosita pins. Merry Christmas, Hargrove. It’s not quite an offensive move, but at this point, I think she should take what she can get.
Winners: LAX 3.0
FOR FUCK’S SAKES! Anderson is walking around backstage yelling at Sting and Sting’s notes. One could say he’s getting very upset over basically nothing. He runs into Eric Young and Orlando Jordan. Eric Young says Sting is in the rafters. LIKE IN WCW!!! VINTAGE!!! Orlando says that he is into assholes as well. I swear I didn’t make that up. Anderson walks off with his lead pipe, yelling at Sting. That’s the third Anderson segment thus far.
Commercial. Look who’s back!
Swayze: Is anyone in TNA like “Hey Hogan, one of the girls is drugging and raping another girl, and possibly knows some kind of voodoo mind control trick that she’s using on her.” I guess Hogan would just be like “I got bigger problems!”
HOLY F… Ken Anderson segment NUMBER FUCKING FOUR, he’s in the rafters looking for Sting. He doesn’t find him for like 3 minuets of airtime, and just swings his lead pipe around. Someone eventually sneaks up behind him. Anderson turns around, and Rob Van Dam, in a black trenchcoat, just completely kicks his ass. Van Dam says that it’s 4:20, and Anderson is about to get smoked. DRUG HUMOR!!! TNA IS SO EDGY AND COOL!!! WWE WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!! Then he kicks his ass some more. I’m actually pretty okay with Van Dam continually destroying Anderson. Anderson is awful on all levels of the word. Van Dam is just wrecking this dude. Ken Anderson doesn’t fight back, but he does swear at Van Dam a lot. Van Dam then chokes Anderson out with his leg. Then he stomps him some more. Then he grabs the lead pipe that Anderson had, and chokes him out with it.
Five stars. Commercial.
Sting’s music hits, and he comes out, and calls out Rob Van Dam. Vam Dam comes out. Sting says that he came to TNA to stop Hogan and Bischoff, but now he’s distracted with RVD and Anderson. Vam Dam says that he debuted last year, but all he remembers was the 1,000 baseball bats shots that Sting gave him. Sting apologizes for what he did to Van Dam, and asks for an apology for RVD imitating him tonight. Vam Dam says that he respects Sting, but that he never lost the TNA World Title. Van Dam says that when he was in the undercard in WCW and doing the same stuff he’s doing now, everyone just wanted to see Sting, but now that’s changed.
Terrible Hogan music hits again, and he and Bischoff come out… again. Hogan says that he’s digging Van Dam lately, and that he’s like super into him now. He says he wants to do something crazy, so he wants to book Van Dam and Sting for tonight. He shakes Bischoff’s hand, for some reason. How is that crazy in the least? WOW, I WONDER IF MR. ANDERSON WILL SPOIL THE MATCH?!?! I TOTALLY WOULDN’T SEE THAT COMING OR ANYTHING!!!
Madison Rayne and Tara are in the back. They’re yelling at each other. I don’t know why. Madison says she brought Tara to TNA, and she found her scrubbing toilets beforehand. I guess that’s supposed to be a WWE slam? Madison says that now Tara has a job to do with her. Madison is just yelling like crazy at her. Tara is Madison’s bitch, I guess. They ride off on Tara’s bike. Madison is still yelling at Tara as they ride off. Tara says she doesn’t like whatever Madison’s idea is. Madison says she doesn’t care. Is there rape going on here too? All TNA angles seem to run on rape and the mentally damaged.
Commercial.
Now Anderson is walking in the back some more, with his lead pipe. He is knocking pictures off the walls. Until he gets to Hogan’s picture. He lovingly caresses Hogan’s picture with the lead pipe. Five stars.
Generation ME & Robbie E .vs. Brian Kendrick, Chris Sabin & Suicide
I legit thought that Kendrick didn’t work here anymore. Generation ME were kicking the shit out of each other last week. Nice to see Sabin again. Mike Tenay says that Shelley & Sabin decided that they were going to compete in the X-Division. This is the X-Division now? Suicide swings in to the ring from above. Remember when Owen Hart died doing that? Apparently Vince Russo doesn’t. And he booked the original stunt.
Kendrick, Suicide, and Sabin all kick Robbie’s ass. Suicide gets a 2 count. Cookie screams. Suicide delivers some punches from the corner. Robbie E reverses an irish whip, but Max catches Suicide on the rope and Robbie hits a neckbreaker. Max tags in, and beats down Suicide. The announcers are acting as though Generation ME didn’t kill each other last week. Max tags Jeremy, who hits an axe-handle. Tag back to Max, who stomps on Suicide. Tag to Robbie, who… stomps on Suicide. Diverse offense here. It’s not about weight limits, it’s about NO LIMITS!
Robbie tags Jeremy, but Max tags himself in before Jeremy can do anything. Suicide puts Max face-first into the turnbuckle. Suicide tags Kendrick, who slingshots and dropkicks Max and Robbie. Jeremy bails. Kendrick kicks out of a pin by Max at 0, then Sabin and Suicide hit the ring and slingshot onto Robbie and Jeremy. Jeremy kips up and tags in, and enziguri’s Kendrick. He hits the top rope, but Max crotches him on the top rope and gives him a spiked DDT. WHO SAW THAT COMING?!?! IT’S LIKE THEY’VE HAD SOME SORT OF PRIOR EVENT THAT COULD LEAD TO THIS!!! LIKE WITHIN THE LAST WEEK!!!
Kendrick pins. First time for everything.
Winners: Brian Kendrick, Chris Sabin & Suicide
Max tosses the Generation ME armband onto Jeremy.
Backstage, Hogan is yelling at Gunner, Murphy and Rob Terry. Hogan is upset about them emberassing Immortal. He has Gunner slap Murphy and Rob Terry. They all start yelling at each other. Hogan kicks them out of his office. What the fuck was that all about???
Anderson comes in. He begs Hogan to be the referee between Sting and RVD tonight. Hogan asks what he gets out of it. Anderson promises his support, and shakes Hogan’s hand. Hogan says he’s been waiting for this for a long time. Anderson thanks Hogan, and Hogan tells him to take the lead pipe out there with him. Hogan thanks Anderson, then Anderson thanks Hogan back.
In the parking lot, Tara and Madison have run over Mickie James with a motorcycle. And I’m guessing they probably raped her too.
TNA has finally moved past the attempted rape and attempted murder storylines in it’s Knockout division… by eliminating the “attempted” and adding “pre-meditated”. Commercial.
Back from the commercial, a trainer is telling a bunch of people not to touch or move Mickie and to wait for paramedics. So everyone just starts touching and moving her. They’re going to rape her before the paramedics get there.
Lumberjack Match
Bully Ray (w/ Abyss, Ric Flair & Cold Blood) .vs. Christopher Daniels (w/ Fortune)
So I guess Fortune and Immortal are the lumberjacks. That should help keep things civil. Ray starts beating down Daniels, and chokes him in the corner. Daniels hits a couple hip tosses and a shoulder that pushes Ray to the outside. Immortal nad Fortune almost brawl, and Fortune pushes Ray back into the ring. daniels with some punches, but Ray ducks and tosses Daniels on the outside. Immortal beats him down. Fortune makes the save and helps Daniels back in the ring.
Ray with a couple chops in the corner and rakes to the back. Ray is yelling at Daniels. Chants for Daniels. Clothesline by Ray. Then punches. Daniels starts battling back with some flying forearms and an enziguri which takes Ray down. Daniels with a splash in the corner, but then he eats a harsh clothesline from Ray. Daniels avoids an elbow and hits that jitsu takedown. He goes for the BME, and would have gotten the pin without Flair pulling the ref out of the ring. Daniels goes after Ray ont eh outside.
Hogan is out, and he hits Daniels with Ray’s chain. Ray pins. Daniels has flashbacks of Val Venis pinning him, but at least he didn’t lose clean.
Winner: Bully Ray
Fortune clears the ring after the match. The announcers are saying something about Jeff Jarrett demanding a cage be built RIGHT NOW. No idea what that’s about. Commercial.
Jeff Jarrett’s music hits. A cage has been put up. They “built” that cage pretty quick. Tenay calls him the “alpha male”. He’s using Monty Brown’s nickname now too? Is he gonna start POUNCING fools? We re-live “art” imitating “life” (and I use both terms extremely loosely) and see Angle get arrested last week before Tweeting about Punk and Orton stealing moves he didn’t invent.
Jarrett gets a mic, and says Angle belongs in jail. Jarrett thinks that Angle purposely violated the restraining order and went to jail so he wouldn’t have to fight Jarrett. Jarrett DOES know that people WATCH Impact to see that he set Kurt up, right? Could they give their audience any LESS credit? This is amazing. Jarrett says that they would have arrested HIM after the cage match on Sunday. Jarrett says that he and Karen will not let the kids visit Angle in prison because the kids need more of Daddy Jeff. Even I won’t insert a rape line in that one. Not JUST because I’m above that, mostly also because it would be way too easy.
Jarrett says he has a special entrance lined up for Karen. Then Kurt Angle’s music hits. He uses Suicide’s pully to get into the cage. Then guys start taking down the cage? Then they put it back up. I guess Angle has locked Jarrett in this cage somehow. Karen runs out, while Jarrett begs off. Angle pushes a cameraman in fromt of Angle while he scales the cage. He runs up the ramp with Karen.
Commercial.
Backstage, Angle says he didn’t go to jail. He says that the cops watched the tape where Karen set him up. Oh, he means the fake arrest. Wouldn’t that mean that Karen should be in jail? He says that The Network has a special stipulation for their match at Lockdown.
Rob Van Dam .vs. Sting
Special Referee: Ken Anderson
So thanks to all the Mr. Anderson and Hulk Hogan segments tonight, and these three entrances, all of which we’ve seen once already tonight, these assholes have about negative 5 minutes to work this match. The announcers wonder whether Anderson will get involved. Words elude me at this point.
The crowd is really into Van Dam right now. Van Dam gets an early advantage with some strikes, followed by a thrust kick from the top and a Rolling Thunder. 2 count. Van Dam takes Sting into the corner and hits some shoulderblocks. Sting ducks one, and RVD goes into the post. Sting tosses RVD into the corner and hits a Stinger Splash. 2 count.
Vam Dan hits a Death Drop on RVD. Anderson hits a Mic Check on Sting. Van Dam is cool with this I guess. He hits the top rope, and hits a 5-Star Frog Splash. He goes for a pin. Anderson counts 3.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Anderson hits RVD with the World Title. Anderson gets the lead pipe. Gunner & Rob Terry come out, and put Anderson on their shoulders. Hogan comes out. Everyone EXCEPT Gunner & Rob Terry realize that Anderson is about to hit these two clowns with his pipe.
So he does. Hogan mad. Anderson terrible. Hogan swears at the camera and says “fuck” a couple times.
This has been “That Being Said”. Don’t forgett www.twitter.com/BlairADouglas and comments. See you next week!
