For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/18/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/18/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, taped overseas but since we haven’t seen it it’s new to us column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I am your live via satellite host Andrew Wheeler, and this week promises to be an interesting episode of RAW.

Yes, this week’s show was taped earlier today in Foggy London Town, but since you know I abhor spoilers, I’m coming at this with fresh (yet still sometimes cynical) eyes. Tonight’s show has to establish the remaining feuds for Extreme Rules, and with R-Truth in the freaking main event, who knows what the hell else they’re going to do. I can’t really fault them from taking Truth out of the garage and giving him a spin, because they haven’t successfully elevated a new face in a long time. Unfortunately, that new face is R-Truth, who has shown that he can be both boring and botchtacular in the same match.

The whole story about John Slo-Mo-Rrison being “punished” by being kept out of this match is the kind of wacky nonsense that is probably true, but so what? Truth has nowhere to go but down based on the way this is set up. If for some reason he winds up catching fire and becoming a legitimate main eventer, then that’s wonderful. If, however, he proves to be a complete and total bust, at least he isn’t expected to carry the main event. R-Truth has one job, and that’s to job. The Miz needs another legitimate win, and since he technically “won” against Cena already, there’s no way he is going to get to pin John on PPV. Enter R-Truth, who can do the job clean as a whistle and leave the main event scene the way it was found. All Morrison missed out on was being the job guy yet again for Miz, and after the blowback from him snubbing Trish in favor of his girlfriend/wrestler/ringrat Melina, he’ll be back in his upper midcard role.

In the meantime, the biggest story of the week is still the retirement of Edge. As Glazer mentioned last week, I have been an unabashed fan of Edge for over a decade. And no, not in a markish fanboy sort of way either. Edge was what every Superstar in the WWE should aspire to be, a Company man.

Edge’s career (which has been rehashed by dozens and dozens of columnists, some of which you can find right here on this very site…huzzah) started out with all of the problems he would face for many years to come. He had a young and, ahem, edgy look, so obviously he was meant to be a leather-coat wearing pseudo-vampire who ran through the streets. Even sadder, his awesome Sexton Hardcastle name was dropped in favor of the U2 homage/rip-off, Edge.

Edge’s legacy in wrestling is that you really cannot ruin a wrestler too much without hope that he’ll someday come around. Edge’s initial gimmick borrowed from several areas, including his Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz tendency to randomly sit in the crowd. This man of mystery gimmick led to him feuding with the vampire Gangrel (who to this day still has one of the coolest entrances and theme music to ever come from the WWE) and ultimately with Gangrel’s disciple Christian. Christian would in turn be Edge’s “brother” and they would engage in a blood feud and…you know what, the less said the better. But this just goes to show that pretty much from the start, Edge was saddled with some lame booking (despite getting the video package push).

The Brood was part of that Attitude Era ideology, where crazy and wacky also needed to include dark and disturbing. This is, after all, the same time period where Undertaker tried to embalm and crucify Steve Austin. The Brood’s evil blood baths and supernatural whoziwhatzit eventually faded, and Edge and Christian proved for the first time that they could overcome lame, wacky booking.

Edge’s tag team run with Christian ran the gamut in the WWE. They went from Gangrel’s sidekicks to two of the six men who would pioneer car crash tag wrestling, proving that once the gimmick was dropped that people would just accept two Canadians with blonde hair without any other nonsense attached (though it did help that their feud with The Hardy Boys involved the Terri Invitational Tournament…or TIT). So much like TNA would learn years later, when you put four or six bodies in a ring and let them jump off high places and crash through tables, people will cheer for them. And so, the Edge and Christian era would blossom.

Edge’s wacky comedy would be the template for Kurt Angle’s later “You can dance and you can prance, but when it comes to sexual relations, keep it in your pants” zany heel. He and Christian knew that they needed to make the most of the time they were given, the exact kind of lesson that Vince has always preached about. Their crazy costumes and Five Second Poses got them over, not to mention their “reeking of awesomeness” catchphrase.

Like every great WWE tag team, they of course had to split up. Edge would then fall victim to a cocktail of ill-timed injuries and go-nowhere pushes. He seemed to always get hurt when his “chances” would come, which is a pretty common tale in pro wrestling…I mean entertainment. Then, once he would in fact come back, he would be forced into that old Rocky Maivia role as the always smiling babyface (and have you seen those freakin teeth?). The fans of the Attitude Era weren’t buying it. They didn’t want to be Edge-heads, nor did they want to join the Edge Army. Edge would frequently get the polite welcome back pop, followed by weeks of fading into irrelevance. Hell, this was a man who was put into a storyline involving Shampoo.

Edge’s greatest strengths were obviously as a heel. His smarmy attitude and cocky smirk made him the ideal villain, and it made those years of poorly received face turns seem silly. Edge was a relatable heel, because he was dastardly but never completely over-the-top cartoonish. He was sneaky and deceitful, but at the same time sort of cool.

His true “moment” came when it was revealed that he was sleeping with Matt Hardy’s girlfriend Lita. This lead to a hyper-charged situation where Hardy would be fired and then return in a “real life” shoot storyline. And Edge, to his credit, played along perfectly. He and Lita would make a tremendous team, one that would eventually go on to win the WWE Title.

Edge’s greatest gift seemed to be getting over ridiculous gimmicks. He helped pioneer the TLC Match, mostly due to the fact that he could convincingly hit a mid-air Spear. He was a King of the Ring. He was a Royal Rumble Winner. He was also a Money in the Bank winner, and him cashing in the briefcase on John Cena was one of the few “shocking” moments in the post-Attitude Era.

In the end, Edge was a true Company Man. He never had outright bad matches, he improved greatly through the years, he could talk, he could wrestle and he could keep his mouth shut when he was saddled with stupid gimmicks. If Vince had a hundred Edges, he’d be set for years to come.

Edge’s retirement is sad for a number of reasons, namely the fact that we were robbed of another four or five years of Edge wrestling. Yes, his in-ring quality may have gone down some in people’s eyes, but he could still deliver a great match. On top of that, he always seemed to have the best entrances in the business.

Edge was a fan like most of us, not like the “fans” that some of the Superstars pretend to be. He was just some kid that loved wrestling and made it his life. He was a Hogan mark and got to win tag belts with Hogan. He got to main event Wrestlemania. He got to team with his best friend. He got to live his dream. And that reeks of awesomeness.

Holy crap, enough of this sentimentality nonsense. So before we get down to it, remember you can friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeeler316), and post in the comment section down below.

The RAW Judicial Review for April 18th, 2011

“Gorgeous George.”

We open with some of that sweet, sweet Nickelback. This is our revenge for them not letting us go free. There’s pyro and ballyhoo and WE ARE TAPED from Foggy London Town.

And to open the show, here comes Resurrection-Truth. Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross and Cole in a Box are on camera and Cole rips on them for sitting quietly through Truth’s what’s up nonsense.

Truth decides to preach the gospel and the gospel is that he is very happy. He’s been down a long road of trials, tribulations, demons and being blown the fuck up. Now he’s in line to be WWE Champion. Truth promises to fight everybody if he wins the belt. He’ll fight any Superstar. And if he wants to be like Steve Austin, he’ll fight any Diva too. This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but…

Hey, here comes John Slo-Mo-Rrison, who is being so buried that he’s not allowed to have a coat anymore. John says that Truth got to hang out with lady luck, the same lady luck he snubbed. John shows footage of R-Truth drinking water before he wrestled Cena, and hydration is against the WWE’s Wellness Policy.

Morrison takes shots at Truth for smoking cigarettes, but Truth sees through this cunning ruse and says that he knows that John is trying to take his Extreme Rules match. Morrison also drops a bomb that next week is the Draft.

R-Truth speaks the truth when he says that the fans don’t wanna see John against him, but he decides to have the match anyway. Truth asks for a bottle of water and a cigarette. A water chant breaks out as a ref runs out.

Winner Gets the Extreme Rules Title Shot: John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Resurrection-Truth

Truth and Morrison lock up and we get some chain wrestling. They trade some near falls and then Truth bails to the outside looking for water, all the while getting booed. He pours the water over his head as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and they’ve now upgraded to armdrags as Jim Ross and Michael Cole bicker over announce techniques. In the ring, both guys are trading near falls. John comes off the ropes but gets caught with a spinning-heel kick for two. Truth locks in a rest hold but gets caught with a jawbreaker and a dropkick for two.

Truth goes for a scissor kick but John misses. John goes for the flying chuck but Truth ducks it. Morrison drops him and hits Starship Pain out of nowhere for the pin.

After the match, Truth starts to pout. John celebrates on the second rope but gets shoved off by R-Truth. Really? They opted to turn TRUTH instead of Morrison? Truth then charges across the ring and boots John in the skull. On the outside, Truth knees John into the ring barrier. Truth says that he made him do this and then he holds him tenderly before throwing him to the ground. He then hits John with a bottle of water, effectively turning water heel in the process.

Truth drops him again with his unnamed finisher that I’m sure will have something to do with truthfulness. R-Truth then pulls out a cigarette and it may be the funniest visual I’ve seen all year. He then walks over and blows the cigarette onto John Morrison as the fans chant “That’s illegal.”

Commercial.

We’re back with a Draft Commercial. Well, next week should be fun.

We now get some stock footage of Big Ben, complete with a flag logo. This takes us to a replay of Truth’s ten minute long heel turn.

The commentators act all shocked about what just happened as Evan Bourne magically appears in the middle of the ring.

Evan Bourne v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Vickie introduces the new and improved Dolph Ziggler, who now has black hair. He looks like a bigger Evan Bourne. Vickie berates Bourne before the match, so things aren’t going to go well for him.

Dolph charges quickly and takes him down to the mat with ground and pound. Evan comes back with a hurricarana and leaps off the second rope into a dropkick for two. Dolph takes down Evan with more “intense” offense but Bourne comes back with Token Offense. Evan goes to the top rope for AirBourne but Dolph moves and hits the Zig Zag for the pin.

Michael Cole is being knighted later on tonight. I smell me some wacky comedy. Ugh.

Commercial.

We’re back with a replay of all the times Sin Cara didn’t blow a spot.

We now get an Edge video package. On Smackdown he will be part of a “party” run by Alberto Del Rio. Yep.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Even more awesome is his new retro baseball shirt. Miz says that he’s been preparing for a triple threat match against John Cena and Resurrection-Truth. But now that Truth’s chances went up in smoke, Miz will have to face John Morrison and John Cena…in a steel cage.

He then talks about how steel cages aren’t fair, but he shouldn’t worry since he won’t be allowed to bleed. Miz is staging a sit-in until the GMail fixes things. He sits there until we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back with The Miz’s filibuster, which gets interrupted by Sin Cara.

Sin Cara v. The Mizfit

The English fans chant for Sin Cara, but out comes John Cena to stop that moment. The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…this will now be a tag match.

Sin Cara & John Cena v. The Miz & The Mizfit

Cena and Mizfit start out and John beats the crap out of him as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Cena and The Miz are going at it. John hits a suplex on Miz before going for the FU but Miz hits a leaping Rock Bottom. Miz stomps away on Cena before tagging in Mizfit, who manages to throw some punches.

Miz is back in and he trades punches for kicks before taunting a man who is wearing a mask without eye holes. Mizfit gets tagged back in and gets a pin for two. Cena then realizes he’s John Cena and Mizfit is the Mizfit so he just stands up and slams him.

We get hot tags and in comes Miz and Sin Cara. Sin Cara hits a handspring elbow and a hurricarana. He does the armbar/headscissor combo to Miz and Mizfit. He tries to attack Miz but Mizfit trips him and knocks him to the outside.

Back in the ring, Sin Cara gets a small package for two but gets booted in the face. Miz and Mizfit double-suplex Sin Cara. Miz then pounds on him for a while until he makes the hot tag. Cena busts out the Five Moves of Mediocrity onto Mizfit and hits the FU. He then signals for Sin Cara to go for the pin and Sin Cara blows a second rope springboard moonsault for the pin. Guess Mizfit went into shock seeing the moonsault and that’s how he got pinned.

Commercial.

We’re back with a dark-haired doll now being destroyed by Awesome Kong.

Eve Torres v. Nikki Bella

Brie Bella cuts a promo about how Eve might get drafted. Only on a taped show will Truth and the Bellas get an open mic.

We start with some rolling around before Nikki gets tied up in the tree of woe. Eve then botches the baseball slide and Brie slams her leg into the apron. Nikki locks in a resthold before slamming Eve’s head into the mat. Eve then rolls up Nikki for…the pin?

Michael Cole leaves his Cole Mine to announce that tonight he’ll go somewhere no Superstar has gone before…college.

Commercial.

Cole is in the ring and he introduces Kurt SwAngle. SwAngle is out in a fancy suit and is carrying the royal robe. He and Cole hug, so we know that they’re on the same page again. SwAngle opens up a scroll and proclaims that Cole has taken the next step in his Hall of Fame career and is now Sir Michael Cole.

An actress dressed like Queen Elizabeth comes out flanked by two goofs. The fans are not really pleased with this. Wow, she has an authentic British accent. She “knights” Michael Cole and the fans boo like crazy again…only this is clearly X-Pac heat.

Cole demands that Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler go in the ring and kiss his foot. They head into the ring but SwAngle jumps Lawler. Shockingly, this may end badly for Jim Ross.

Commercial.

Did you know that 10 million people watched the premiere of Tough Enough? Did you know decidedly less watched episode two?

And here comes Santino. Oh come on! We just saw Michael Cole make Jim Ross kiss his foot, we deserve an actual match.

Santino Marella v. Sheamus

Sheamus says that the last time they were in England, Sheamus was embarrassed by him during a tea party. Sheamus calls himself the Champion of the United States of America and promises to embarrass him.

Sheamus kicks Santino to the mat and bounces him around the ring. Sheamus beats the crap out of him before locking in a rest hold. He comes off the ropes now with a few elbows which gets two. He locks in another resthold and then just splashes Santino in the corner.

Marella dodges a blind charge and sets up for the Cobra but collapses from the beating and takes the Bicycle Kick for the pin.

Orton and Punk are in the back and they are heading straight for a…

Commercial.

Wrestlemania Rematch: CM Punk v. Randy Orton

Punk keeps Orton back with some kicks before they lock up and move to the corner. Orton cold cocks Punk and hits him with uppercuts. Randy and Punk trade punches again until Punk kicks his face off in the corner. Orton comes back and hits the Vintage Slam before humping the mat. Randy goes for the RKO and Punk escapes again as we head to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk slams Orton down to the mat. CM Punk delivers a knee to the face for two before going for a rest hold. He suplexes Randy down for two before again locking in a rest hold.

Punk whips Orton into the ropes and connects with a knee to the gut for two. Punk dumps Orton to the outside and follows him with a leaping clothesline before asking if he can pin him on the outside. Classic.

Orton small packages Punk for two before CM Punk goes back on the offensive. Punk locks in a neck scissor as the fans chant GTS/RKO. Orton bites Punk to break the hold but CM Punk whips him into the corner and connected with the high knee. He tries for a bulldog but gets countered into a suplex for two. Orton goes for the Angle Slam but Punk drops him for two.

Randy gets draped across the top rope and Punk sets up for the top rope clothesline, which he connects for two. Punk goes to the top rope but gets crotched. Orton climbs up for a superplex, which he hits for two.

Randy goes for the second-rope DDT, but Punk reverses it into the GTS attempt but Orton goes for the RKO which gets blocked into a kick to the face for two. Punk goes for the GTS but Orton rolls him up in a small package for the pin.

PuNexus run out now and beat down Randy Orton. Mason Ryan hits the Rock Bottom as he looks even more freakishly tanned than before. Punk keeps asking him if he feels like a winner. Mason Ryan stops Slightly Perfect and Otunga from touching him, claiming that “he’s mine.” I didn’t know prison rules were in effect.

Mason Ryan measures him for a punt to the head, but Punk stops him. Punk reminds him that he’s got the magical armband of destiny, so Ryan walks away. CM Punk charges right into an RKO, allowing Orton to flee up the ramp.

This has been for your consideration.