That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for 04.21.2011 – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

Welcome to “That Being Said”, your weekly play-by-play of both TNA Impact and my fight to not have a rage stroke. LockDown is behind us, and this week we find out how they will likely absolutely slaughter any goodwill they have coming off a rare and passable PPV outing.

Interinactivity

Crystal: You gotta think of TNA backstage segments like a soap opera my dude. The entertainmentsers can’t break the fourth wall(can’t act). The commentators are omnipresent(inconsistent). And the audience doesn’t matter(viewers? fuck that!). Nothing makes sense and hilarity and DRAMA ensue.
Blair: Hilarity ensues. I’m still waiting for the drama, my wolf.

CB: Your burgeoning rivalry with FUJ is more solidly booked than most of Lockdown.
Blair: Try telling him that. Dude doesn’t know I’ve hired a Japanese guy in a mask to follow him around and find out exactly what his deal is. Is he a TNA robot? Is he just trying to make me continue to respond to him until I have to stop because I’m about to have a stroke? Keep tuning in to find out!

CB: A finishing move called the Gender Bender? Do you think Vince Russo thinks that’s funny/brilliant, or is Orlando Jordan trying to set back the movement?
Blair: You know, the worst thing about that finisher is that the move itself is the onlygood move I’ve see Orlando Jordan do… ever. But I’m pretty sure “the movement” isn’t going to give them a pass just because of that.

Mike Gojira: I suppose your kidnappers are so sadistic that they skipped waterboarding and went right to TNA Impact.
Blair: They actually just keep the channel on SpikeTV, but just as my brain is about to shut down and eat itself, they waterboard me to bring me back.

Howard MacEachern: Despite the fact the matches were not stellar, I liked Immortal winning 2-0. No, not because I like Immortal, but because the whole “too close to call match series thing” with ties and all that is overdone. Kind of nice to see one side just flat out win.
Blair: I agree.

Steven Gepp: What’s wrong with Sting’s cardio? A 90 second squash against Hardy, a 3-way that goes less than 10 minutes. Wow…
Blair: I don’t know if it’s Sting’s cardio, but I guess he could be hurt or whatever? Obviously that’s not what happened with Hardy, but it could just also be that they had a lot of other matches to get to that were more important, like Angle / Jarrett and Lethal LockDown? I’m not sure.

Howard MacEachern: Perhaps Mickie is hurt more than we know and couldn’t go for a longer match?
Blair: Ehhh, I thought about this, but I don’t know if Mickie is actually hurt. And if that was the case, why the fuck do the match at all? They just did an angle where they had Mickie run the fuck over. They could have just kept her out of action until she was ready to go. It’s not like they HAD to deliver it because they advertised that – no one was buying the PPV for THAT match anyway. No one would have cared. Even TNA is not deluded enough to think that.

Howard MacEachern: I was honestly having far more fun watching the TNA and WWE die-hards battle it out in a war of words in the chat window., THAT was good entertainment.
Blair: Yeah, that can be a good time, but it gets old REAL fucking quick. Watching those people go at it is like being on the Titanic and being the only person who knows exactly what is going to happen.

CB: How hardcore can country be if she can’t wrestle more than 3 minutes?
Blair: I just kind of assumed this was Madison’s fault somehow. Why is everyone assuming this is Mickie’s fault? Isn’t it more likely to be Madison’s, or just that TNA is fucking dumb?

And the main event of the evening…

The Fuj: Now, Blair, Why do you “hate” the Impact zone. What’s wrong with the Imapct Zone? It provides TNA with a state of the art television studio that allows them to produce a tv show. What, the fans get to watch wrestling for free? So what. I mean they want to cheer people and boo people or cheer for everyone it’s their right…It’s a free country! 
Blair: As for fans getting into events for free, and cheering and booing whoever they want… yeah, I don’t know where you got that I’d have a problem with such a thing, or what that even has to do with anything. You have every right to put it in there and everything though, since it’s a free country.

Perhaps I should have chosen my words more carefully here. I don’t hate the Impact Zone. But that said, I don’t really enjoy watching events from the Impact Zone. Also, you realize that what you just said was pretty much word-for-word what Eric Bischoff once said about WCW Saturday Night being broadcast in that Disney-MGM Studios place, right? Like it’s literally almost the exact same fucking quote. You know, that place where the ring fucking spun around which made wrestlers hate competing in it? The very first show that Bischoff axed once he, I don’t know, realized that it was a shit idea that made his promotion look rinky-dink as fuck? Where there were like a hundred people, max, in the audience, who treated what they were seeing as a circus sideshow act to kill time while they waited for the lines for the Splash Mountain ride to get smaller?

And that’s why The Impact Zone is the joke that it is – because it makes you feel like you’re watching WCW Saturday Night on a SLIGHTLY larger (but not much larger) scale. It makes it feel like an inferior product when you stack it up against even a smaller arena that other shows are running. It looks like Hulk Hogan is working in a fucking bingo hall that he wouldn’t spit on if it were on fire. And if this “facility”, and I use that term loosely, allows them to produce state-of-the-art TV, then why aren’t they, I don’t know, producing state-of-the-art TV and why is there some kind of huge glaring production fuck-up every half hour?

The Fuj: Me thinks a potetial money maikng feud and match up between Hulk Hogan and Mr. Anderson is on the horizon. Slammiversary 2011?
Blair: You know what I haven’t had in a while? Big league chew.

The Fuj: Pletora of good matches on last nights show.
Blair: Yeah, lemonade is good.

The Fuj: Madison Rayne is done so much without actually having to wrestle. Character development has been off the charts.
Blair: Holy shit. You really want to get nuts this week, hey? I refuse. I will not get nuts with you.

The Fuj: I am intrigued by this Winter / Angelina Love / Velvet Sky storyline. Mad props for Angelina to be able to perform under this new gimmick.
Blair:

 

Everyone already knows exactly what would happen if I treated these questions as legit questions – I’d make some points, and rather than responding to them, Fuj will just be like “Madison Rayne is reaching legendary status. Best heel in the business.” Then they will find me dead in my bathroom tomorrow. The medical profession doesn’t know why we get aneurisms. It’s when a blood vessel bursts in the brain for no apparent reason.

There’s a reason.

I don’t ask that everyone agree with me – I’m happy to debate a point, MORE than happy actually, because I think it makes reading and writing the articles more fun and interesting, but “Matt Morgan is awesome” repeated week after week is not something I can debate unless you actually back it up with something, or at least respond to what I feel are actual valid points why Matt Morgan is not awesome. Sorry. Don’t take it personally, and know that I DO encourage people with differing ideas to put whatever they want in the comments. “Interinactivity” is something I want to continue with, and for that to happen, people need to write their opinions. It’s just that they need to be actual opinions, not just redderick.

“Episode Title”

We open with highlights from LockDown.

Then AJ Styles lowers to the ring, which has a cage in it, filled with tables and chairs. AJ tells Bully Ray that he wasn’t successful ending his career. He says he loved the look on Bully Ray’s face when he showed up at LockDown. AJ wishes he had left Bully Ray laid out, just like Ray did to him. He says that’s why he’s here tonight, in the cage with weapons. He calls Bully Ray out. Crowd goes nuts for AJ.

Bully Ray comes out on the ramp, and asks AJ if he’s serious. Ray says that if he gets in the ring, AJ will get crippled. He calls AJ a nobody, and says that when he’s done with AJ, he’s going to go take care of AJ’s wife. CRAZY heat for Ray. CRAZY chants for AJ. Ray teases getting in the ring, but doesn’t, and says he’s got nothing left to prove.

Ray tries to leave, but Daniels comes out and tosses him into the ring and closes the door. AJ tosses Ray into the cage a bunch of times, as the crowd comes completely unglued. AJ hits a solid Pele, then follows it up with a trash can shot. The crowd is just going batshit.

Gunner comes out and starts brawling with Daniels outside the cage. They brawl to the back. The crowd is losing it, and THIS is what people like Fuj and everyone else need to realize – if you didn’t see Impact, you have NEVER, EVER seen the crowd do this for a waste like Anderson or Morgan.

AJ smashes Ray’s face into a table, and leaves him laying on it. Then he scales the cage, all the way to the top, and Ray gets off the table and escapes through the cage door. AJ is atop the cage, taunting him.

Great opening segment. The crowd LOVED that.

The announcers say that Flair had to get surgery on his rotator cuff after Lethal LockDown and Robert Roode’s armbar.

Immortal’s music hits, and Rob Terry and Murphy come out. They toss some stagehands out of the ring who were trying to take down the cage. Rob Terry has a mic. This isn’t gonna be pretty. He tells AJ, who is no longer out there, that Immortal can play games too. He then tells Beer Money that they’re going to take their tag titles for what Beer Money did to Ric Flair. Beer Money comes out, and accepts the challenge.

Commercials.

TNA World Tag Team Title Cage Match
Beer Money .vs. Rob Terry & Murphy

We come back in progress, and Rob Terry is delivering a backbreaker that someone must have just taught him. Then he and Murphy hit a double clothesline. Terry tags Murphy in, and gives Roode some punches to the spine. Murphy tags in Terry, and Roode starts fighting him off before eating a shot to the cage and a CLOTHESLINE BY THE FREAK ROB TERRY!!! Tenay freaks.

Terry tags Murphy in, and Roode hits him with a clothesline. He tags Storm, who comes in like a house of fire with the crowd going nuts. Storm starts taking out both guys, and hits a nice codebreaker on Murphy and a DDT on Terry. Roode with a spinebuster on Terry. Storm with a superkick to Murphy. Double suplex to Murphy. Beer Money gear up for their finish, and hit it on Terry. Pin.

Winners & Still TNA World Tag Team Champions: Beer Money

About 30 minutes in. Solid show so far, and that’s not just my opinion – the crowd has gone more nuts for the opening segment and the opening match than they’ve gone for anything relating to the nobodies that TNA likes to push, like Anderson or Morgan, anytime in the last year. So let’s see how they’re going to toss that all away.

Here we go! Jeff Jarrett and Karen are being driven around in all white and a horse-drawn carriage. Jarrett thanks Karen for her help on Sunday. These segments always look terrible. Jarrett says that tonight, he officially makes Karen a prince. He says they are going to make the royal wedding look like a Las Vegas drive-thru. They’re actually going BACK to the comedy now? I don’t understand how anyone defends this feud when they obviously can’t even figure out what kind of feud they want it to be. They go from deadly serious shoot death feud to poorly-written, contradictory, laughably bad attempt at comedy – within a week of each other. They should totally do at least 4 of these segments tonight. By the way, how much money that TNA doesn’t have are they spending on horses, carriages, white tuxes and white dresses for these two? I hardly think it could be worth it.

Double H hits the ring, lead pipe in tow. Crazy heat for Hogan – maybe it’s just a really solid crowd tonight. The announcers and Hogan sell how Hogan is running the show, even though the past few months have shown the exact opposite to be the case. Hogan calls Rob Van Dam to the ring.

Vam Dam comes to the ring with the worst ring music he’s ever had, including his WWE instrumental one. Hogan tells Van Dam that he made a mistake at LockDown. Van Dam asks Hulk if he remembers back in the day when the fans and the boys gave Hogan “mad love” for making the business what it was, but now he’s turned his back on all of that… for ratings. He says now, everyone wants Hulk out of the business. Van Dam says that everything he’s accomplished, he did it with respect. He tells Hogan that a wrestler can’t make a living doing a legdrop anymore. He says that times have changed, and that RVD won’t.

Hogan says that RVD has always either been a small fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond, and without Hogan’s help, Van Dam will be nothing but a mid-card player.

Sting’s music hits, and he comes out. Hogan says no one invited him, and Sting says he invited himself. Sting says that Van Dam is a main-eventer, because Sting will face Vam Dam for the World Title at Sacrifice. Hogan asks Sting if he’s as high as Van Dam, but Sting says that THE NETWORK put a clause in his contract, that if he won the World Title, he would get to choose his opponents… and he’s choosing Van Dam.

Hogan says that THE NETWORK doesn’t have the guts to get in his face, and Sting says that the execs will be here soon, and that he can say it to their face. Hogan says that since the execs aren’t here now, that Rob Vam Dam has to face the man who shishkebobbed him, Abyss, and that Hogan will be in his corner. Then he says that Sting will face Matt Hardy, who wants revenge for what Sting did to Jeff Hardy. Sting got Jeff Hardy drunk and stoned? Hogan rambles through a lot of his promo, and leaves. That went about 5 minutes too long.

Backstage, Angle is looking for Karen and Jarrett. He gets told about the horse and carriage. It doesn’t faze him – he’s used to it by now. Commercial.

Backstage, Tara is trying to get ready. Madison pushes her out of the way of the mirror. Madison blames Tara for losing the belt, and thinks that it’s Tara’s fault that she lost. That doesn’t make any sense at all. Tara tells her that her script-writer is out of her mind, then Madison says that she’s got one chance left to get back into her good graces tonight.

Backstage, Angle runs into Eric Young. Eric is feeding the horses beans, because Vince Russo remembers Seinfeld. Angle tells him that the horses will shit all over the place. He tells Eric to go get buckets. He does. Angle comes up with an idea as Eric runs off-screen. Now there’s a clear-cut conflict with the promise of comedy.

Anarchia gets into the ring, and goes all UnAmericans on everyone. Then they all start yelling Spanish. Madison and Tara come out to guys who would like to be The Goo Goo Dolls. I totally feel like helping an old person cross the street right now. Commercial.

TNA Knockout Tag-Team Title Match
Sarita & Rosita (w/ Hernandez & Anarchia) .vs. Madison Rayne & Tara

This is probably going to be really painful. But at least we join it in progress, with Tara beating up one of the Mexicans who never get any offense in, but somehow are tag champions. Madison is yelling at Tara even though she’s winning. So Tara slaps Madison for a tag. So Madison, who has never had any offense in TNA either, yet somehow was TNA Knockouts Champion for… well, I don’t know how long, but it was a little while, comes in and gets her ass kicked, and Sarita FINALLY gets in some offense during her TNA career. She does manage a nice-looking dropkick. Madison gets a boot up on a charge from Sarita, but rather than doing a move that she doesn’t know how to do, she yells at Rosita. Then Sarita comes in and they double-team Madison. They pinned her, I didn’t even see after what move. At least it was short.

Winners & Still TNA Knockout Tag Team Champions: Sarita & Rosita

Madison is yelling at Tara. Tara is just walking along. Now she is screaming like a banshee. Commercial?!?!

Another Ceremony That Kurt Angle Will Ruin

Could Jeff and Karen not just start holding these ceremonies somewhere they know Kurt Angle doesn’t hang out or work at?

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out. They have the ring set up with red carpet, a nice chair, and a podium with a throne on it. The crowd is chanting “sloppy seconds”. Jarrett thanks Karen again for her efforts on Sunday. He says he is going to share his affection for his bride be declaring her his queen. Isn’t this basically the exact same thing as the wedding or renewing of vows or whatever? They’re really reaching here.

Jarrett puts the crown on Karen. The crown is filled with horse shit. Karen screams and swears. No one laughs.

Angle comes in the ring, and Jarrett is trying to beg off. Kurt gives him the Angle Slam through the throne.. Angle grabs the mic, and says that Karen may be in a world of shit right now, but that she has no idea what he has planned next. He says that he would never lay a hand on the mother of his children, but that he knows someone who would… his mistress… and that he can’t wait for Karen to meet her.

Backstage, Hogan is telling Abyss that this is his shot to handle Immortal business. He then tells Abyss to not show his face?

Then Hogan says he wants a word with Anderson, and he asks Anderson who it is who is talking to THE NETWORK. Anderson tells him that doesn’t make any sense at all. Hogan says that Anderson had his chance to be in Immortal, and that Anderson turned him down. Which is exactly why this makes no sense. Anderson says that THE NETWORK is who has been screwing him over every single week.

This really eats up a lot of time, so I’m going to go ahead and not cover the other 5 minutes that this goes on for. They blabber. Hogan makes no sense. Anderson can’t talk. Nothing is solved. No idea why Hogan told Abyss not to show his face. Commercial.

Abyss (w/ Hulk Hogan) .vs. Rob Van Dam

Hogan is threatening girls his wife and daughter’s age with his lead pipe. Taz says that the referee cannot tell Hogan what to do. Which completely contradicts everything we were told about referees in that segment with Anderson from 2 weeks ago. Fuck details.

The crowd is definitely behind Van Dam after the last couple weeks – I’m guessing that was supposed to happen for Anderson, except that he blows. Van Dam rushes the ring and hits Abyss with a bunch of kicks. Spinning legdrop by Van Dam, and he tries a Rolling Thunder but Hogan grabs his leg, and RVD eats a big boot by Abyss.

Abyss picks up Van Dam and lays him out with some punches. Abyss charges RVD in the corner, and flattens him. Abyss is bleeding out of his mouth, and I stay spoiler-free, but I’m guessing Van Dam really messed up Abyss’ mouth somehow. Van Dam hits a kick, and a Rolling Thunder. Then he hits a thrust kick from the top rope. Hogan swings at the legs of Vam Dam, who jumps outside the ring and faces down Hogan. The referee tries to kick out Hogan, which completely contradicts what Taz said at the beginning of this very match – but Hogan then slides the pipe in the ring. Then the referee forgets about ejecting Hogan for some reason.

Abyss hits RVD with the pipe, and then finishes him with a Blackhole Slam. Pin.

Winner: Abyss

Hogan and Abyss beat down RVD. Crimson comes down to save him, payback for last week.

Sting says he is fighting to get Jeff Hardy back in TNA. What?!?!?! Commercial.

The Matt Morgan Power Hour

Matt Morgan comes to the ring. I don’t recap Matt Morgan promos. I can tell you that it went over like a lead balloon. Scott Steiner comes out. Steiner comes out and basically tells Morgan that his entire life is bullshit. He says that if he were Morgan, he would… get this… FIRST, kill himself… THEN, hang himself. Steiner tells Morgan that the line for World Title shots starts behind him and that Morgan is beneath him… just like Morgan’s girlfriend was last night. In between his promo, Steiner gets in a lot of shots on Morgan that I really recommend everyone hears, because Matt Morgan sucks.

Then Morgan talks. Fortunately, over the last year, Matt Morgan talking has just sort of morphed into a kind of white noise for me. Morgan tries to suck up to Steiner and talks about how he does respect Steiner.

So Steiner kicks him in the balls and beats his ass. No one is booing Steiner, because Matt Morgan sucks. Good stuff. And in future news, no one will care when TNA feeds Steiner to Morgan, even though nothing they can do will get Matt Morgan over with anyone.

Backstage, some girl is talking. I don’t know who she is. She wants the TNA Knockouts Title. She says her name is Miss Tessmacher… normally I don’t remember any of these girls, but that does sound vaguely familiar. I’m not looking it up. Someone fill me in. Commercial.

DateRapeVille

Backstage, Velvet is talking while the camera zooms in on her boobs. Velvet says that Angelina is her best friend, and even though she knows Angelina isn’t in her right frame of mind, that Angelina went too far and that she needs to get payback on Angelina. Winter comes in, and says she doesn’t appreciate being accused of things. To my knowledge, Velvet hasn’t accused Winter of anything, even though she should have been.

Velvet says that she KNOWS that Winter has drugged Angelina (last week she said she didn’t know what was wrong with her) and that she wants to go to the authorities. FINALLY!!! Oh wait, never mind, she says she’s not going to, because she will enjoy beating up Winter. See, I thought she should have gone to the authorities, but I guess she’s got solid reasoning – she wants to beat up Winter, and she’s cool with Angelina being raped and abused for weeks on end until that happens. BFF’s.

Then Angelina comes in from behind, and beats up Velvet. While Angelina is beating Velvet up, Velvet asks Angelina what she’s doing. They beat Velvet down, and Winter tells Angelina they will finish this next week.

I guess that in a way, if it weren’t for the NATURE of the feud, you’d kind of have to admire TNA’s commitment to this whole thing, since Angelina has been getting date raped for like two months now. This is the longest feud in TNA right now. And it’s THIS FEUD.

 TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Sting .vs. Matt Hardy

Matt Hardy is wearing Jeff’s Transformers Title to the ring. Immortal comes out to attack Sting, but they get attacked by Fortune. Gunner hits Sting in the leg with the lead pipe before the match starts. Immortal and Fortune brawl to the back, Matt jumps Sting, and the match starts.

Matt in control, with… a sleeper, already, I guess he’s tired. He tries a legdrop from the second rope for a two count. He goes for a moonsault, but misses. Sting goes for a Scorpion DeathLock, I guess they’re trying to beat Sting’s title defense time from fighting Jeff Hardy. Matt gets to the ropes, and gives Hardy some shots before giving a weak leg submission. Matt sucks, most of the time anyway. Commercial.

Back from commercial, Sting battling back from Hardy being in control. Hardy has been working the leg of Sting, Taz says. so Matt works some extremely generic leg offense. Drops some elbows. Hits some kicks. Then Matt starts dancing around like a mongoloid, and goes for a Twist Of Hate. Sting reverses, Hardy goes to the second rope, and Sting pulls him off.

Sting with some punches, and a few clotheslines. Sting tries for a Stinger Splash, but Hardy dodges before he runs into a snake eyes. He then hits a Scorpion Death Drop. Pin.

Winner & Still TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Sting

Mr. Anderson hits the ring, and lays Sting out with a Mic Check. People boo. Then he lays Matt Hardy out with another Mic Check. Nobody cares.

Anderson calls for his stupid mic. I don’t recap Ken Anderson promos.

Karen and Jeff Jarrett are staggering around in the back. Jeff Jarrett is hurt. Karen doesn’t care. She is screaming repeatedly about how she has kids.

Hogan is leaving a voicemail for Ken Anderson. He then tells us that Anderson is smarter than he looks because he’s been in the business so long. Does it still count if he’s spent more than half that time injured? Then he talks about how tired he is of THE NETWORK hiding the ball. Ugh.

Ken Anderson is explaining what he just did to someone who doesn’t watch the show, I guess. I don’t recap Ken Anderson promos.

Sting says he isn’t worried about THE NETWORK, and that he has revenge on his mind.

End credits.

All in all, a half-decent show, but here’s the ultimate bottom line on TNA right now – they’re doing some good stuff with Fortune, and at least they’re not jobbing them out anymore, but they really should try to make them a bigger part of the show since that’s most of what people care about right now – the stuff they’re putting at the end of the show is not getting half the reaction that those guys are. People are not reacting to Ken Anderson or Matt Morgan.

But I think we all saw this coming.

This has been “That Being Said”. Remember www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas. I’ll be in my trailer.

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