Greetings to you all, my loyal minions. It is I, your gracious (see? I didn’t say humble!) host, Mike Gojira, back with another thrilling tale I like to call…..
Wait, this isn’t Tales From the Crypt?
Could’ve fooled me, what with the horror we had to go through this past Monday on Raw. Yeesh; I don’t know if I was just feeling jaded that day, but I found myself yawning throughout the show (and I wasn’t tired). Two weeks before a PPV and you only have three matches officially announced, with no plot development leading to any others? Really? (Yes, I am aware they added Orton/Punk, but it was not announced on Raw.) It’s not the first time Creative has sat on their hands in a build to a PPV, but it does get tiring to put up with. With the draft coming up this Monday, I figured I’d give you my two cents on the “new direction” the company should go in for the foreseeable future.
Agree with me? Great.
Don’t agree? Great.
Either way, these are simply my thoughts from a mark’s perspective (named Mike).
I think it’s rather obvious that The Miz needs to remain on Raw. As the supposed “Most Must-See Champion” he needs as many eyes glued to the set as possible: hence keeping him on Monday nights. Besides, as a fresh heel champion there are plenty of new feuds he can get into to keep things from getting stale. As for John Cena? Get this man either off Raw for a time or out of the title picture. You want Randy Orton to be the new face of the WWE? Cena needs to get as far from him as possible. He still has a viable feud with CM Punk, so why can’t the two of them continue their battle on Smackdown?
Randy Orton should stay on Raw to further the company’s push as the top dog. Let him chase Miz for the gold; hell, put Miz in charge of the New Nexus to continue their feud with Randy. It would give both Miz and Nexus a reason to end Orton’s career. CM Punk, meanwhile, can put on a show with Cena on Smackdown in preparation for the title picture over on the B-Show. More on Smackdown in a minute.
The midcard of Raw has, let’s face it, been overshadowed by Michael Cole and his ridiculous feud with Jerry Lawler. Please end this crap already. I find it odd that both the Bellas and Cole pointed out to their opponents (Eve and Lawler, respectively) that after the draft they might not be on the same show any more. So what? The Divas Championship is a cross-brand belt and Cole announces on both shows ANYWAY. Where was I? Oh, right. The midcard. If Sheamus is going to be the United States Champion, then he needs some face opponents. Dolph Ziggler is going to be wasted on Raw because he is still a heel and since neither singles champ is a face, he’ll languish in the midcard until a new face champ appears. Send him back to Smackdown; he doesn’t need Vickie as a mouth piece any more and would be a great foil for any up-and-comer.
Sin Cara…jeez, I don’t know what it is with this guy. Yes, he’s flashy as hell, but that only works if your moves CONNECT WITH YOUR OPPONENT. Chalk it up to getting used to the WWE match type, or opponents who don’t know how to respond to your moves, but there is definitely some responsibility on his part. Send him to Smackdown and let Rey walk off into the sunset for awhile.
Send Kofi Kingston back to Raw or give Daniel Bryan his spot back. Either way, SOMEBODY has to face Sheamus for the gold. They’re not giving that spot to Evan “I came back from injury for THIS?!” Bourne, so what’s the harm? Speaking of Bourne and Bryan, they should form a tag team and take the belts from Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel. They’re over enough to deserve some gold and thus would get to appear on both shows. Remember how long London and Kendrick held those belts? Give Bourne and Bryan a whirl.
John Morrison looks to be stuck in a feud with the absolutely horrendous R-Truth. I recently commented that the only thing Truth had going for him was his sing-along theme. Now that he’s heel, that means his theme will change and the crowd will care even less for him. Note to Vince: the fans don’t like Truth, but that doesn’t mean turning him heel will work out. They just do not like the guy for ANY reason. As evidenced on Raw, Morrison is bad at ad-libbing, and even worse at tame comedy. Jeez, he makes my dad seem edgy by comparison. He either needs a change in character or scenery.
Now for the Smackdown side of things: I am looking forward to Alberto del Rio and Christian’s feud. I personally believe del Rio should win at Extreme Rules and Christian should chase. Showing Christian working hard to get the gold will make it that much sweeter when he wins it AND will make fans believe he truly earned it instead of “Oh, he’s Edge’s best friend.”
Once Cena and Punk get involved, we have fresh rivalries. Cena can grapple with the smug del Rio and Christian can battle Punk, or Cena and Christian can renew the rivalry that never was.
Rey Mysterio needs time off, so a loss to Cody can give him that at Extreme Rules (I’m assuming there’s a match for them; like many things the WWE does wrong, it hasn’t been announced). Send in Sin Cara to upstage Cody’s return as the Dashing One and you have a ready-made feud.
Wade Barrett needs to stand on his own. The Nexus worked for him because they were all from the same NXT class and had the same goals. The Corre failed because (once again) they feuded with Kane and Big Show and had nothing to do after but bicker and fight one another. Let Barrett dominate the midcard scene as Intercontinental Champion until a plucky underdog comes in to remove the gold from his waist.
Speaking of underdogs, Drew McIntyre has grown on me in recent weeks. He is consistently given a lot of time every Friday night and pulls fantastic matches out of his ass no matter who he is working with. Keep him edgy, but turn him face and FINALLY give him Kelly Kelly. Let him chase Barrett for the strap, or feud with Cody Rhodes at some point (or even Dolph Ziggler if he returns to Smackdown).
I don’t know what to do with Big Show, Kane, or Ezekiel Jackson. They are all sideshow attractions, which is unfortunate because I liked Jackson as a dominant face on Raw before he needlessly joined The Corre.
Then you’ve got your C-Listers, like Zack Ryder, Mark Henry, Trent Barreta, Chavo Guerrero, JTG, and Santino Marella. I’m a big fan of Ryder’s gimmick but until the corporate heads decide to give him a shot, he’s going nowhere fast. WWWYKI!
That’s how I feel about the ‘E right now. I’m not going to hit you with any random thoughts this week, as I’ve covered them within the column (brownie points if you can find ’em all!). And now, for the stuff everyone loves (though no one admits), here are my…
Cheap Plugs
Apparently I have made two frenemies here at the Pulse, both of whom believe they can compete with me physically and mentally. That’s okay; everyone has that one unobtainable dream, so give Rhett Davis and Jonah Kue a big hand for trying, folks.
Rhett has a nifty little gimmick where he banters back and forth with fellow columnist Chris Sanders here. I can’t wait for my turn; it will be epic, akin to Rock/Cena at Wrestlemania 28 (not 27). Coincidentally, the latest Rager is up here.
My homeboy Pulse Glazer once again regales us, this time with a review of Monday Night Raw from London.
Resident hottie and queen of the Roundtables Kelly Floyd has another bewitching review of Smackdown.
Blair Douglas does for TNA Lockdown what Andrew Wheeler does for WWE Raw: he adds a great deal of comedy to an otherwise boring proceeding, except I honestly feel bad for Blair. My heart goes out to you, buddy. TNA sucks.
And finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Korner of Kue, komplete with alliterative puns involving the letter K. And brought to you by the number 12.
On a side note, Rhett says he’ll meet me inside a steel kage this Sunday, so I invite Kue to watch the karnage unfold. K?
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
