For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/25/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/25/11

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, draft immune because I ain’t covering Friday’s column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your insert witty Draft joke here host Andrew Wheeler, and for those of you who managed to avoid the 700 commercials, tonight is the WWE Draft.

Every year, the WWE promises that The Draft will single-handedly change the face of Sports Entertainment, and every year it kinda sorta surprises us…though not always in a positive way.

Last year’s Draft had some interesting moves, though nothing that we could call “blockbuster”. The biggest winner from the draft would probably have to be Edge, who spent the better part of the past year as either the champion or the #1 Contender. Others like John Slo-Mo-Rrison, Resurrection-Truth, Kofi Kingston and Christian had some minor success switching shows, though nothing truly monumental. In the end, it was just a bunch of people who were shifted around yet kept popping up on RAW as needed.

This year’s Draft is a direct result of the loss of Edge. The WWE braintrust was talking about doing a Draft sometime in June or July, but without the #1 babyface on Smackdown, the company needed to make some moves and fast. Tonight’s show should see a major babyface move to the taped brand, and that babyface will most likely be Randy Orton. RAW has too many main eventers as it is, and the loss of one won’t be the make-or-break for the company. On the other hand, The Draft has always been codeword for “It’s time to screw Smackdown”, so the odds of Randy staying put and Del Rio moving to RAW are pretty good.

Before we get down to it, I’ll get my cheap plugs out of the way. You can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and post your feedback in the comments section down below.

The RAW Judicial Review for 4/25/11

“The Champ is here.”

We open with a battle royal…for some reason. It’s red shirts versus blue shirts, which is confusing as hell. On the plus side, no Nickelback. The winner of this will get a draft pick for their show.

Kane is the first man eliminated on camera. Prestigious. Khali gets dumped next, so I guess it’s bizarre world where big men can’t hang but Daniel Bryan and Evan Bourne are kings.

Kozlov gets dumped next, proving that you can’t really screw up gravity. Jackson goes after him, so it’s open season on genetic freaks. Sheamus is hanging over the top rope but there’s something disturbing about his shirt pulling up and seeing that ghastly pale stomach.

Heath Slater and Chris Masters both get dumped, followed by Wade Barrett, who was eliminated by Ted DiBiase. Yes, he still works for the company. And just as I type that, Teddy gets launched.

Mark Henry and Brodus Clay both get flipped at the same time, which can’t be good for the Carolina tide. Big Show launches Yoshi Tatsu, who at least got a few seconds to be on RAW.

Sheamus gets dumped by Drew McIntyre as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Daniel Bryan is trying to put a sleeper on Big Show, but Show ultimately realizes how physics works so he just falls back and squashes him. Drew gets dumped by Evan Bourne as this bizarre night continues. Santino tries to Cobra Big Show but Show reverses it and eliminates him.

Cody Rhodes gets dumped by Mason Ryan and Kofi eliminates Daniel Bryan. The final four are Kofi, Show, Mason Ryan and Evan Bourne. Kofi gets flipped over the top rope by Bourne but Kingston blocks it and Evan does a powerbomb spot before they slide back into the ring.

Big Show catches Bourne in mid-air and dumps him. Kofi and Show double-team Ryan and then quickly eliminate him.

The first Draft Pick for Smackdown is…John Cena. Holy crap. Well, that’ll keep Cena and Rock apart next week.

Commercial.

Did You Know some WWE app sold well in countries that hate Jewish people?

Todd Grisham…wait, Todd still works there (?)…is with John Cena, who is talking about how excited he is to be on Smackdown. John makes a Star Wars & Back to the Future reference (yay) before getting a cheap plug. The Miz wanders out of nowhere and talks about how he won’t see Cena next week, because apparently The Miz doesn’t get SyFy.

Josh Matthews and Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler talk about Cena before we cut to The Cole Mine and the announcement that Michael Cole will face Jim Ross tonight. Ugh.

We get a Truth/Morrison video package that makes this heel turn seem way more exciting and interesting than it has a right to be. For some reason, they set it to creepy Arabic music, so my guess is Truth is auditioning for the new Scorpion King.

Resurrection-Truth comes out and changed “What’s up” to “Shut up”. That took him one week to write. Truth recaps what we just saw in a video package, in case our memories are really that bad. Truth keeps talking about the crowd is pissing him off, but they keep trying to bleep him. He complains that the fans didn’t do diddly squat for him because all they cared about was singing along with his minstrel show.

Truth then acts out some sort of bizarro play about an imaginary kid named Little Jimmy who likes to hear his music. Truth says that for ten years he chose the fans but now he’s officially giving all of us the boot. He talks about how the truth has set him free, but he gets jumped by John Morrison. They brawl on the ramp as we head to…

Commercial.

Kong is again torturing dolls, which actually sell better than most of the Divas. Oh, and her name is Kharma, because Kharma’s a bitch. Witty, huh?

Eve v. Layla w/ Michelle McCool

We relive the LayCool therapy session, which was shockingly a failure. Too bad they couldn’t find the doctor who helped George “The Animal” Steele learn to speak.

Layla hammers away on Eve but Eve hits an ugly Downward Spiral for two. Michael Cole interrupts on the mic, which distracts Layla, who gets rolled up for the pin. Cole says that he is a real athlete and he needs to go through an extensive pre-match regiment.

After the match, Layla and Michelle McCool go at it. Layla slams Michelle’s head into the barricade a few times and then rams her into the ring apron before yelling something about how this is tearing her apart. She’s like James Dean…only alive.

RAW’s first draft pick is…Rey Mysterio. Just what RAW needed, a masked luchador.

Jim Ross is working out in the back as we fade to…

Commercial.

Cody Rhodes is in the back with Todd Grisham. Cody says that he is going to give Rey Mysterio a going-away present. Hope it isn’t another knee injury. Rhodes promises to give him a new mask because he’s going to force him into the emergency room.

Kofi Kingston v. Sheamus

Looks like Kofi’s pulling double-duty tonight. So’s Sheamus, who takes out that aggression by hammering away on Kingston. He delivers some clubbing shots and clotheslines Kofi down for two before locking in a rest hold. Sheamus blind charges but hits the ringpost. Kingston comes off the top with a cross body for two. Sheamus comes back with another clothesline and tries for a Razor’s Edge and Bicycle Kick but gets dropped with two Trouble in Paradise’s for the pin.

The second Smackdown Draft Pick is Randy Orton. Jesus, this really is bizarro world. Either that or Cena really isn’t staying on Smackdown for more than a week or two and this is a way to swerve everyone.

Commercial.

Michael Cole w/ Kurt SwAngle v. Jim Ross

Booker T is now on commentary, making this the most painful match ever and it hasn’t even happened yet. Jim Ross comes out complete with his cowboy hat and Sooner jersey.

Cole mocks Ross for being heavy…for quite a while. Michael Cole dances around the ring for a while before hopping to the outside and getting Ross’s hat. He walks into the ring and steps on the hat, which draws some nice heat. Cole now gets toweled off and does a push-up.

Ross shoves Cole down to the mat, but Cole calls time out and SwAngle grabs a stool. Cole then tries to slam Jim Ross but he buckles and Jim punches him. Lawler stops Cole from fleeing, but Jerry gets demolished by SwAngle. SwAngle then runs into the ring and stomps away on Jim Ross.

Cole is busted open hard way as SwAngle takes off Jim Ross’s belt. Michael Cole is now whipping Jim Ross with a belt until Lawler makes the save. Jerry has the belt and whips Cole.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…this Sunday’s match will be a Country Whipping Match.

Scott Stafford is in the back interviewing The Miz and Mizfit as The Miz bitches about no one caring about him. The Miz talks about how he will win at Extreme Rules and that if he gets drafted to Smackdown that RAW will be cancelled. Why? Are they changing their name to iMPACT?

Commercial.

Randy Orton v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Orton slams down Ziggler and drops a knee for two. This match is for 2 draft picks, apparently. Ziggler drops Orton with a neckbreaker and a nice throw for two. Randy and Dolph wind up outside and Ziggler knocks Orton into the crowd.

Orton and Ziggler wind up back in the ring and Randy hits some scattershot offense for two. Randy whips Dolph into the corner but gets caught with a boot. That winds up not mattering as Orton hits the reverse backbreaker and starts to hump the ground. Randy goes for the RKO but Vickie distracts him. Again, nevermind as he hits the RKO for the pin.

Smackdown gets two picks. The first is…interrupted by CM Punk. Punk promises to get nasty at Extreme Rules, so he elects to face him in a Last Man Standing. Orton says that he won’t miss Punk when he goes to Smackdown. He then talks about unconscious sleep, which kinda makes him sound like a rapist.

The first Smackdown draft pick is…

Commercial.

The Smackdown Draft Pick is Mark Henry. Ah, things finally feel back to normal. The second Smackdown Draft Pick is Sin Cara.

Wade Barrett v. Rey Mysterio

This is another two draft pick match. Wade pounds away on Mysterio but Rey does the standard “You’re bigger than me so I can climb you” offense until he gets dropped for two. Booker talks about Rey’s heart, because apparently he’s a cardiologist. Wade locks in a rest hold, which allows the WWE to sell DVDs on the lower third.

Rey fires back with kicks and hits a second rope cross-body for two. Barrett then catches him in midair and rams him into the turnbuckle. Wade props him on the top rope but Mysterio nails him in the ribs and connects a hurricarana into a 619. Rey then connects with the Dropping the Dime for the pin.

RAW gets Big Show and Alberto Del Rio.

Del Rio is in the back with Brodus Clay and Ricardo Rodriguez. Clay wants to know what about him, but Alberto cuts a promo in Spanish as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back with the mishmash announce team, who recap Extreme Rules.

Hey, there’s Teddy Long. He says that tonight’s main event will be a 6-Man Tag Match.
CM Punk, Alberto Del Rio & The Miz v. Christian, Mark Hey-Hey-Henry & John Cena

Awesome, here comes The Miz out first as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back with Punk and Del Rio getting their own entrances.

Christian is out first for Team Smackdown, and he seems bitter that Del Rio took his pyro. Mark Henry follows him so that he can enjoy his annual main event. Cena looks bizarre in that Smackdown shirt.

Miz and Christian start off and trade shoulderblocks. Christian tags in Cena, so Miz hightails it into another…

Commercial.

We’re back and Cena suplexes The Miz. Punk gets tagged in and he gets caught with a dropkick. Cena tags in Mark Henry, who squashes Punk. Henry tags in Christian, who goes for the Killswitch until Del Rio distracts and Punk kicks Christian’s head off. Del Rio gets tagged in and he hammers away before tagging in The Miz, who locks in a rest hold.

Christian fights back but gets dragged down by his high quality Smackdown t-shirt. Christian gets beaten down by a rotating collection of heels as the announcers ignore the match and talk about The Rock like he’s Poochie.

The Miz hits the leaping turnbuckle clothesline for two before tagging in Del Rio, who works over Christian’s arm. Del Rio props Christian on the top turnbuckle but Christian fights back and knocks him off. Christian hits the second rope DDT and we do the hot tag tease.

Cena and Miz get tagged in and here comes the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Mark Henry runs in from out of nowhere and lays out Cena. Miz hits the SCF on Cena for the pin.

RAW gets the last draft pick, who will be John Cena. Yep. Cena lays waste to all of the heels and gets his RAW shirt back.

Nothing says we just wasted two like undoing the biggest draft pick of the night.

This has been for your consideration.

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