Blair: This year? You mean over the space of at LEAST the last 5 years, right? Anyway, aside from Nash killing the X-Division (his plan was actually to put it over before he got injured), you’re pretty much bang on with everything. The thing is though, being stabbed in the leg IS an improvement over being stabbed in the stomach. You’ve gotta understand, sometimes you just gotta take a really terrible show being slightly less terrible as a BIT of an improvement. That doesn’t mean it isn’t still a stab in the leg though, and no one was saying that the show was actually good. But I’m sure you know that.
Anyway, the second part of your comment was what I really wanted to address.
The idea that wrestling sucks right now.
Wrestling BLOWS right now.
WWE is so boring that it’s unwatchable. It has been for a REALLY long time, as in years, albiet with a few very short-term exceptions. But WWE at least knows what they’re doing. I may not agree with it, and I may not enjoy watching it, but don’t be fooled. They knowÂ EXACTLY what they’re doing. Still, for me, watching WWE feels like getting waterboarded.
TNA may not be boring, but only because they’re fucking insane most of the time,Â and because many times they’ll do something to give us some hope (ie: a name change) and they keep that little glimmer of hope alive just long enough to get people excited, before we are all reminded of the difference between TNA and WWE. And that’s that TNA don’t haveÂ ANY idea what they’re doing, and that they never have. Watching TNAÂ is less boring than watching WWE in the way that watching Jerry Springer is more entertaining than watchingÂ Law And Order.Â It doesn’t mean that Springer is better than Law And Order.Â It just means Springer is more capable of catching your attention, for better or worse. (In Springer AND in TNA’s case… worse.)Â Watching TNA feels like getting waterboarded… on your birthday.
I remember when all these TNA idiot marks were all happy that TNA was going head-to-head with WWE on Monday Nights. They wereÂ SURE that TNA was going to take WWE down, and even WWE fans were like “MONDAY NIGHT WAR 2!!!”. Hulk Hogan was SINGING ON THE RADIO about how he was going to put Vince McMahon down. I was just like “Are they fucking serious? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS.” As we all know now, Monday Night War 2 was extremely quick and brutal.
Anyway, that’s why I find the “1993” statement to be a very apt analogy. What we need is the next ECW, and it SURE as hell isn’t TNA. It would be nice if that next big thing was ROH, and after this newest “ROH being bought” deal, I suppose it’s possible, but I don’t see it happening. The other problem is that any small promotion that springs up, everyone immediately assumesÂ after one good showÂ that THEY’RE the next ECW, almost overnight. People even said that about 3PW. Remember 3PW? Everyone was buzzing about that nonsense, andÂ that ended with that whore Jasmine St. Claire selling the promotion on E-Bay. I swear I didn’t make that up. She sold 3PW on E-Bay.Â It’s incredible.
Fuck, where was I even going with this? I don’t even remember. So instead, to tell us about his idea for saving TNA, here’s Swayze.
Swayze Saves TNA
Okay, heres myÂ awesome idea. Because TNA needs a storyline to save itself. They start the show with Hogan backstage, talking to some Panda Energy suits. He intros them to Bischoff and mentions who they are, so the audience can follow. At this point, Hogan thinks he’s still all “HULKAMANIA” and these Panda Energy guys love him, and love the Spike TV show. And they do seem really nice.
Later on, we see another backstage skit with Hogan and the suits. And Hogan is saying how everything is great in TNA, and all the ideas he has to make the company bigger. The suits just look at each other, and then one of them finally tells Hogan the truth. Bob Carter is tired of Dixie and her wrestling bullshit. They tell HoganÂ that the reason they hired him, Bischoff and Jeff Hardy was to bring the ratings even lower. Dixie hasn’t been calling the shots since January 4th of 2010 when Hogan and Bischoff came in. And once the ratings sink to a certain depth, Spike TV will cancel TNA Impact or Impact Wrestling or whatever the fuck. Anyway, the suits thank Hogan for doing such a good job of tanking ratings, and tell him to keep going, and that after it’s all over, he will be taken care of.
Hulk Hogan is devastated. He had no idea he was being uesd to tank ratings. He thought he still had it, and actually thought that he was doing a good job. The audience reallyÂ DID know better the entire time.Â The whole thing plays out like one big dose of reality for Hogan. He does some soul searching, and goes to Eric Bischoff. He tells Eric everything, including the fact that they will be taken care of, and thatÂ Panda executives think Hogan is a joke. Then Hogan starts to wonder if he really is a joke now, and Eric says he’s got Hogan’s back, whatever he decides,Â and asks him what he wants to do.
Hogan sighs, and says nothing for a moment… then takes a deep breath as though he is about to admit defeat… but then says “Fuck it, let’s really turn this show around and shove it up those suits’ asses, brother.”
Credits roll. Fade to black.
HowÂ will Hulk Hogan save TNA? Tune in next week,Â I’llÂ give you Part 2. I’ll be in my trailer.
Thanks Swayze! All right, here is a show that will be nowhere near as good as the showÂ that SwayzeÂ just described.
Matt Morgan hasn’t been on the show for the past 3 weeks. I think we can all agree to collectively hope that this positive trend continues.
Oh and by the way, Chyna won’t be on the show tonight either. She has already left TNA to focus on her porn career. No joke.
“Anderson Centre Stage”
The show is in memory of Randy Savage. They recap Ken Anderson’s SHOCKING ACTIONS from last week.
Out comes nWo Immortal and… wait, no… holy shit!!! They’re opening with a match!!! Sorry, I just naturally assume that nWo Immortal opens the show each week.
No-Disqualification Street Fight
Bully Ray & Tommy Dreamer .vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels
AJ is in a neckbrace. He and Tommy start brawling while Daniels and Ray go at it. AJ and Tommy brawl into the stands while Daniels and Ray go at it around ringside. AJ throws Tommy over a railing, before AJ leaps off the railing onto Tommy. Daniels is tossing weapons into the ring while people chant “Fallen Angel”. Daniels smacks Ray with some garbage can lids… quite a few times. Ray keels over and hits his face on another lid. Ha, that was funny. Daniels tries to hit BME, but eats a boot from Ray who then gives him a suplex. 2 count. AJ rushes the ring and hits the Pele. AJ rushes Tommy in the corner but eats a big boot.
Tommy tears the neckbrace off and punches AJ in the neck. Bubba gives him a neckbreaker. Then Tommy does the same. Tommy has taken off his shirt and is in that weird singlet again. Ray hits ANOTHER neckbreaker. Ray goes for a piledriver, but Daniels knocks Tommy off the rope nad hits Ray with an Enziguri. AJ is up a bit too quickly after multiple neckbreakers on his injured neck, and hits a kendo stick to Ray’s head. AJ and Daniels give Tommy a spiked piledriver. Pin.
Winners: AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels
Well, that was unexpectedly decent.
Hulk Hogan is getting out of a car.
THE SCOPRION SITDOWN
I didn’t make up that stupid name. TNA did. Anyway, Anderson is coming out dressed as Sting again.
He brings out Disco Inferno. I swear to God I didn’tÂ make that up.
So, yeah. I’ll see you in a few minutes.
We’re back. You missed absolutely nothing. Ken Anderson sucks.Â Disco did not need to blade, let alone blade anywhere near as much as he did, but I’m guessing he needs work.
Eric Young walks into a bathroom. When the camera gets into the bathroom,Â Young appears dazed, and gunner is Beating him up with a stall door. Eric Young rambles for a little while. It sounds like Eric Young is suggesting laying down for GunnerÂ so Gunner can have hisÂ belt back. But I don’t think Gunner ever officially lost that belt. That makes no sense. Did I hallucinate that? What the fuck just happened?
Velvet Sky comes to the ring, and calls out ODB. Velvet wants to know what the fuck her problem was. ODB says she was fired a year ago, and sheÂ thinks Velvet got her fired. I don’t know what the fuck ODB is talking abuot. Velvet doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about either. Velvet is tired of having her friends kidnapped and hypnotized and raped, being called a whore,Â and having theÂ living tarÂ beaten out of her on a weekly basis. She’s not gonna take it anymore!!! ODB sys that Velvet justÂ sleeps withÂ everyone to get ahead. She then knocks Velvet down and starts beating her ass. ODB gets on top of her and talks about how Velvet likes it on her back. Security hits the ring to separate them.
Rob Van Dam / Kurt Angle video package. Decent-looking. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had a singles match.
Commercial. We’re 35 minutes into this show that is apparently all about wrestling now. They’ve had 6 minutes of wrestling so far.Â That’s not an exaggeration.Â It was a good 6 minutes, butÂ that statement stands.
Beer Money are in Eric Bischoff’s office. Bischoff says that Roode’s arm is injured and that Beer Money is supposed to defend their tag-team titles at Slammiversary. I don’t remember that match being announced yet. Bischoff tries to be funny, but it doesn’t work. Storm threatens Bischoff. Bischoff threatens to fire them.
TNA apparently has a show called X-plosion. Pope apparently was trying to hit on D-Von’s wife during whatever this show is. D-Von didn’t like this. They talk to Pope about it, and Pope thinks that D-Von needs to chill.
Kurt Angle is talking to Matt Morgan. DAMMIT!!! 3 week streak down the drain. Kurt calls Matt the most dominant force in TNA Wrestling and says to watch out for Karen.
Commercial. 45 minutes in now. Still only 6 minutes of wrestling, but those 6 minutes mattered.
Matt Morgan .vs. Jeff Jarrett (w/ Karen Angle)
Matt Morgan bores the hell out of me. Jeff Jarrett bores the hell out of me. This should be a great match. I guess I can hope that one of them gives the other a career-endingÂ injury-though.Â Karen comes out on a crutch. Matt Morgan comes out to very little reaction. Jeff tries to get Karen a chair to sit on. But Hebner tries to throw her out. Jarrett shoves Hebner. Hebner just moves the chair back 3 feet. Apparently this solves the issue for him. Because it’s not like she could just walk the 3 feet to actual ringside or anything. Way to go, Earl.
Jarrett gives Morgan a rope rape. Jarrett tries a cross-body, but Morgan kicks out at 0. Morgan gives Jarrett the BODY AVALANCHE AND THE RETARD CORNER ELBOWS AND THE SIDE SLAM!!! Those are his 3 most devastating moves aside from the CARBON FOOTPRINT! Now people are chanting for Morgan. Ugh. Jarrett tries a leapfrog but misses, Morgan tries a CARBON FOOTPRINT and misses, but gives him a SIDEWALK SLAM!!! Karen gets up and walks to ringside. Morgan tries some kind of slam-pin or something, but gets two. Karen gives Jarrett the crutch, Jarrett hits Morgan with it, gives him The Stroke, and gets 2. Morgan grabs him by the throat and hits the Carbon Footprint.
Karen gets up on the apron to distract Earl. Steiner comes out from under the ring, drops Morgan with his move, and gets back under the ring. Jarrett pins.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett
Wow, that was fucking awful.
Commercial. Some girl seems awfully happy that she paid MyLife.com toÂ tell herÂ out that 7 people are stalking her.
One hour in. 13 minutes of wrestling. I realize it’s only been about 42 minutes of actual showtime, but that still means that only 1/3 of this show about wrestling has beenÂ wrestling so far.
Foley / Hogan / last week recap. It’s almost like there are two different guys in TNA who do the video packages. One of them sucks, one of them is decent.
Bischoff is in the ring. He talks someÂ nonsense about Hogan and Foley talking to the network. Apparently Hogan has all the power now again. Hogan comes out. He says that he is in control of Impact WrestlingÂ again. Then he talks about signing autographs and what a genius he is. Then he talks about how Bischoff did such a great job last week. Apparently the fans think that the X-Division doesn’t matter.
Foley’s music hits. Hogan looks confused. Foley says he is a network executive. Foley says that after Hogan left the meeting, that he found out that all Hulk did was piss the network off. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. He says that he showed the network how the X-Division was the backbone of TNA and how they can’t have a WRESTLING show without the X-Division. He says he’s going to take a trip around the world to find the best X-Division wrestlers, and at Destination-X they are going to put them all in Ultimate X. All that for one match?
Bischoff says that Foley is talking about PPV, and Foley has no jurisdiction on PPV. Foley says that the networkÂ promotes the PPV’s, so he can do what he wants on the PPV.Â This. Is. Retarded. Hogan wants Foley to get in the ring tonight and fight for the X-Division Title against Abyss.
Brian Kendrick hits the ring. God is talking through him apparently. Now he is rhyming. No reaction to this whatsoever. Red and Gen ME are here too. Hogan calls him “Kendricks”, and it’s not too hard to believe that Hogan doesn’t know what his name is. Kendrick yells back at him. Kendrick wants the match against Abyss. Hogan says that’s cool. Did they seriously job Kaz out of the title so that they could let KENDRICK get a program like this?
Backstage amongst some candles, Winter is giving naked Angelina a massage. According to Winter,Â the world is ready to realize what these two are and worship them. They are about to fulfill a promise that they made to each other in another lifetime. Nothing I can joke about regarding this could do proper justice. TNA is a realistic show that is all about athletics and wrestling, while at the same time completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots.
Commercial. WaterDrip just sent me a link for Kotaro Suzuki .vs. Eddie Edwards from January of this year. I have been hearing nothing but good things about that.Â Now I have to struggle toÂ not abandon Impact to watch that match.
Winter and Angelina Love comes out. Mike Tenay tells us that this relationship between them has gone on for centuries. I ACTUALLY think I would rather have Michael Cole out here for this.
Winter (w/ Angelina Love) .vs. HARDCORE COUNTRY
Winter locks on an armbar. Then she starts pulling some hair. Mickie gives her a chinlock, and hits a dropkick to the face. Then Mickie picks up Winter and drops her. Mickie hits the swinging DDT. Pin.
Winner: HARDCORE COUNTRY
Ha, a squash. That’s awesome. 3 minute match. 16 minutes of wrestling so far. An hour and 20 minutes in. This is very crap-tastic. I just took out my rage on MC on Twitter.
Blood is coming out of Winter’s mouth. Angelina gets in the ring and knocks Mickie off the apron. She then goes apeshit and starts beating the crap out of Mickie. Then she gets into the ring and cradles Winter.
Abyss is backstage. He is planning to eat The Brian Kendrick. I hope he does. Kaz jumps him backstage and takes Janice away.
Commercial.Â Why the hell are they still advertising a Desmond Wolfe action figure?!?!
TNA X-Division Title Match
Abyss .vs. The Brian Kendrick
Kendrick dives out of the ring to start the match. He barely touches Abyss. Abyss tries to hit him but runs into the champ. Kendrick hits some kicks. People are chanting for him. Ugh. Abyss grabs him by the throat and is very mad. Kendrick with another flying kick. Abyss with an elbow. Kendrick is down. Abyss is choking him in the corner. EAT HIM!!!Â Instead, AbyssÂ gives him a BODY AVALANCHE. Kendrick tries a charge but runs into a bearhug by Abyss. Kendrick escapes, charges, and gets knocked down. Abyss continues to tenderize him. Abyss gives him a press slam that Kendrick escapes from, and delivers 3 different dropkicks. He then hits another missile one from the top. 2 count.
Kendrick goes back up to the top, but Abyss runs into the ropes and he falls. Blackhole slam. 3 count. Kendrick sucks.
Winner & Still TNA X-Division Champion: Abyss
5 minutes. We have broken the 20 minute wrestling mark by 1 minute. An hour and 40 minutes into the show.
TheyÂ show the RVD / Angle promo again obviously, because they need to talk about how they’re all about wrestling now instead of spending anyÂ real time putting on actual wrestling matches.
Backstage, Angle is talking about how awesome RVD is.
TNA Television Championship Match
Eric Young .vs. Gunner
Wow, look at this fucking dream match right here. I legit forgot this belt existed. I bet this match goes 30 seconds. Tenay talks about how this is supposed to be like Hogan / Nash. EY lies down. Gunner gets on top of him. EY rolls him up. Pin.
Winner & New TNA Teleivision Champion: Eric Young
Wow, and I was just being sarcastic about the 30 seconds thing. But that was just over 20 seconds long. Or maybe 20 seconds WRONG is a better way to put it. Anyway, I will be generous. and round upÂ the “WRESTLING MATTERS MINUTES”Â total up to 22.
Anyway,Â Gunner comedically chases EY around. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha, what a wonderful, clever bit.
Jeff Jarrett and Karen are out at ringside. They have headsets.
Kurt Angle .vs. Rob Van Dam
After Jarrett / Karen, the intros, and JB’s extended intro, they have 6 minutes left, max,Â to work the match. Which means they won’t even break the half-hour total.
I fucking LOVE this show.
Angle hits a headlock, Van Dam sends him off but gets shoulderblocked. RVD tries a monkey flip but Angle reversed, only to eat two side kicks and a Rolling Thunder. Van Dam already bleeding out of his mouth. Angle slides out of the ring and recoups, and comes back in to power RVD down with a headlock. Another shoulderblock by Angle, he then eats a dropkick and a monkey-flip. Van Dam then runs into a belly-to-belly suplex. Snap suplex by Angle. 2 count, twice over. Reverse bearhug by Angle.
People chanting for Angle. RVD reverses out and hits a couple elbows, but runs into a kneelift. Another resthold by Angle. Kurt with clubs to the back of the neck. Jarrett is yelling at Tenay on split-screen. Half the match has been run with Jarrett on split-screen. Van Dam hits another side kick. Van Dam battles up, and hits a spin-kick when Angle caught his leg. Van Dam to the top rope, and hits a thrust-kick. He tries a clothesline, but thenÂ gets reversed intoÂ a german suplex for 2. Angle picks him up for a suplex, but Van Dam hangs on and hits a hard DDT.
Van Dam to the top rope, but Angle gets up and germans him off. 2 count. Decent outing so far. Angle locks on the Ankle lock. Van Dam hangs on for a while, then rolls around and hits a few kicks to Angle, followed by another spin-kick. Van Dam to the top rope, but misses a 5-Star Frog Splash. Angle hits an Angle Slam, for 3.
Winner: Kurt Angle
Well, that was actually pretty decent. I didn’t think they’d actually do that one straight-up. I will round it up to 7 minutes, which brings the show to 29 minutes of actual wrestling, soÂ let’s be generous and call it 30.
I’m not going to be unfair and call it 30 minutes out of 120, because there’s commercials. Your average hour-long show runs 42 minutes out of an hour, so let’s be generous again and round up, so that means they had 30 minutes of wrestling out of 85 minutes of airtime. So 35% of Impact Wrestling was actually wrestling.
That’s not even the part that matters though. There were only 2 matches that were any good, and that was the first one and the last one. As a matter of fact, those were the only two parts of the show overall that were any good whatsoever.
I don’t know. Am I crazy? Was this show actually good? I don’t think it was. Tell me what you guys think. Remember to comment and follow me on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas.
This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and have a good weekend.