That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 05.26.2011 – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

Welcome to “That Being Said”. I’m your host, Blair A. Douglas, or as M.C. Brown knows me…

(Artists Rendering)

Macho Man Randy Savage

I’m not gonna do a big thing here. Not much you can really say about this. Wrestlers basically live in the dark ages when it comes to life expectancy. It’s sad. But I’m not gonna be the guy who’s gonna talk about that, all I’ll say is that Savage was one of my absolute favorite wrestlers as a kid. My Top 5 Randy Savage matches are below.

  1. vs. Ricky Steamboat, WWE Intercontinental Title Match, WWE WrestleMania 3
  2. vs. The Ultimate Warrior, Career Match, WWE WrestleMania 7
  3. vs. Ric Flair, WWE World Title Match, WWE WrestleMania 8
  4. vs. Diamond Dallas Page, WCW Spring Stampede 1997
  5. vs. Hulk Hogan, WWE World Title Match, WWE WrestleMania 5

Possibly a pretty generic list. There was a match with him against Shawn Michaels in 1992 that was THIS close to beating out that last one. Also, there were some great Tweets sent out. Here are a couple of them, for anyone who didn’t see.

Kevin Nash: I lost a close friend today. If anybody in heaven is wondering who the cat in the ugly cowboy hat is it’s Randy. Love you Bro. Never another.

Christopher Daniels: True Story: at Turning Point 2004 (AMW-XXX cage match), I asked Randy’s permission to drop the elbow of the top of the cage! Randy’s reply? “God bless you, brother, I don’t even do the elbow anymore.” And, he gave me a thumbs up after the match as well!

Chris Jericho: Randy Savage was a true influence and inspiration to me and taught me some very important lessons,in and out of the ring. Rest in peace Mach

Steve Austin: Just heard about Macho Man Randy Savage…unmatched intensity in the ring. A hellacious performer and terrific promo. A real bad ass. RIP.

Shawn Michaels: Greatest advice from “Mach”- I was angry & wanted to leave WWE. He said, Don’t take urself out of the game. If ur still here… there’s always a chance. If ur gone, there is no chance. It was then I determined never to leave. Stay in the “game” & there’s hope.

Rest in peace, Macho Man.

Interinactivity

DC: To be fair, at some point during the show, Tenay DID say that Storm had suffered a concussion in the brawl that opened the show. So that explains why he wasn’t out there, although it was kind of a throw-away line by Tenay that was never referenced again. But yeah, excellent EXCELLENT piece Blair. Your recap is the highlight of my Thursday night/Friday morning.
Blair: I didn’t catch that comment by Tenay, but stuff was moving pretty fast around then. There was a good point on M.C.’s article last week that said if they were going to do that, they should have at least cut to something involving those guys being carried out. I doubt that I’m the only one who missed that, so I think that’s a pretty fair statement. Also, if they were going to say Storm was injured, did they HAVE to have it be with a CONCUSSION? ANOTHER concussion.

Limodriver: My #1 wrestling pet peeve is unnecessary swerves. If Anderson’s master plan was to turn the lights out, sneak up on Sting and hit him with a Scorpion Death Drop, he didn’t need to dress up like Classic Sting to do it. Having said that, since the writers of the show made the decision to have Anderson do it anyway, the least they could do was not to ruin the surprise early by showing the Real Sting backstage. Sure, it was obvious enough by the fact that they never showed Fake Sting’s face, but all they really accomplished was making Tenay look even stupider than he usually does every week. Speaking of unnecessary swerves, I’m going to predict that at some point in the near future, Angelina is going to turn on Winter, and reveal that all along she was just faking being drugged. Unfortunately, she’ll never bother to answer the question of why.
Blair: Yeah, I mean, if Anderson had come out dressed as Sting and wanted to make fun of him in a promo, that wouldn’t be great, but at least it would have provided a reason why he was wearing the costume. But having Anderson dressed up as Sting to do what he did makes as much sense as me dressing up like Mr. Dressup to beat up Mr. Dressup.

CB: Great job as always. I do have one comment this week, and it’s directed towards the Knockouts. Regardless of what others might think about poorly written storylines for a certain wrestler or group of wrestlers, one quality you can’t teach or “book” is the level of effort and heart someone naturally exudes in the ring. To me, the wrestler in TNA who really deserves all the credit in the world in this regard is Velvet Skye. Velvet has been given two of the worst consecutive angles to work with — the Winter/Angelina “Very Special Episode” / after-school special and the whole Karen Jarrett interrogation debacle — and yet she continues to work her ass off to try and sell her part of the story. And, more importantly, she continues to care and show us she cares, even though she could easily “mail it in” during these feuds (see: 90% of Samoa Joe’s TNA career) and no one would blame her for doing so. Week after week, she is given very little to work with, and if you asked me right now to give one person in TNA a meaningful title quest that would keep me invested, it would be to give Velvet Skye that chance. Velvet chasing the Knockouts Title that has eluded her would be great to see, because again — and I can’t stress this enough — she simply cares so much that it would be inspiring to see her dream get realized in a meaningful way. Knockouts draw good ratings anyway, so it really would be awesome to see TNA take advantage of that with such a hardworking woman, and hey, after a solid build to a match, I’d take Velvet-Mickie in the main event of an episode of IMPACT — or even on a PPV — over another worn out title defense from Sting.
Blair: Depending on who that main-event spot against Sting went to, I might disagree with you on that statement there at the end. But, I’ll admit that watching Velvet this year has been somewhat interesting, because the recent booking of Velvet Sky has been an extremely odd and rare show of consistency from TNA. But in reality, it’s the Knockout Division. These girls need second jobs and can barely afford to attend PPV’s. Who honestly gives a fuck?

To tell us who honestly gives a fuck, please say hello to my Senior Knockout Correspondant, Crystal. This is her first contribution as a member of The BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER.

Crystal: Hello, gentlemen. Firstly, yes, I am a girl. Secondly, let’s just get this out of the way…

*Lifts up top, exposes breasts.*
There. That’s done. Can we get back on topic now? Great.

All right, now listen and listen good. As long as their is a lady’s division, it’s either gonna be plagued with 3 minute matches that no one cares about or cheap rape storylines. I understand that to people whose wives or girlfriends won’t let them get porn, this could be considered interesting.

But it’s not.

But hey, on the plus side for the Knockouts, ALL of them have ridiculously huge boobs. So… Knockouts: 1 Divas: 0, right, TNA marks? Or maybe like “Strike 3 for WWE” like that one idiot Cory Huen would probably say?

All right, that’s all I got. Kthxbye.
* Lifts up top, exposes breasts, leaves. *

Jeremy Spoke In…: Would it have killed TNA to actually start their new “wrestling” show with a match. They could have came out and said we promised you wrestling so here it is – actually started to build to something instead of following the same freaking formula – opening segment with a ton of talking!!!! So frustrated by TNA – Impact Not Wrestling
Blair: Truthfully, I honestly do not mind when the show starts with an in-ring mic segment. The show has a lot of issues, but I don’t see this as one of them. It helps set the show up and announces the matches that you will be seeing. Could they be shorter? Absolutely. Perhaps starting the show with an exhibition match and then doing the segment after, that could be a good idea as well. However, last week’s opening segment was fine with me, when it first happened, because they announced some matches. It’s just that at least 3 of those matches were a complete waste of time, and THAT was when I became disapointed. Also, the fact that this wrestling show that is all about wrestling now built up to a complete throwaway segment between Sting and Ken Anderson, instead of, I don’t know, a wrestling match, did not help their case either.

Howard MacEachern: Greetings. Haven’t been around for a while, took a vacation from work and went to the Dominican for a week. So, I’ve missed the last several shows. I could have watched the show last night, but I didn’t really care to after finding out that Abyss won the X-Division title. From reading the recap, though, I guess they are transitioning right into an Immortal/X-Division story. Does this mean they are simply killing off some other stories to go with this one, or continuing all those as well? Sadly, it looks like they are continuing most of them on top of the new one. To me, that just makes for a complete mess of a show, more so than usual. How much time can you really invest into one story with so many others going on? I just can’t see any one story getting enough focus for anyone to really give a damn. Just my thoughts, though. Again, I will restate that I have not watched the shows yet, just going off of what I read. This is before people start with the “HOW CAN YOU SAY THOSE THINGS WITHOUT WATCHING THE SHOW?”
Blair: In my opinion, complex storylines are just fine, they’re actually better to me than some of the simple stuff that WWE and TNA just rehash ALL the time. It’s the execution of the complex storylines that TNA, and WWE as well, struggle with. But yes, I am fine with Abyss having the belt, and being pushed as an unstoppable monster that Fortune and others can try to chase to get the belt back. Abyss is a good wrestler, and has good matches not just with smaller guys, but with guys that can move fast. It’s better than watching a complete waste like Crimson axe-handle him to death.

The Fuj: * Insert usual diahrea here *
Fast Eddie Cruz: * Insert Fuj’s usual diahrea here *
Blair: Hey Fuj, you are aware that we can track IP’s on comments, right?
Swayze:  I hope Fuj / whoever is at least getting paid by TNA for all the work he puts in. A lot more work than Karen Angle.

CORY HUEN’S IMAGINARY GAME OF DOUBLE-K BASEBALL

Cory Huen: Good to have a had a response from Blair. But, man, Blair you made some erroneus mistakes: Fox Sports Net DID NOT cancel TNA Impact. That is not true. TNA Impact’s contract with Fox Sports Net expired on May of 2005. TNA decided not to renew because it was costing them too much money. Jeff Jarret, the guy you called a joke, met with the people at Spike TV in their offices in New York City in the spring of 2005 and as it turned out, the meeting went well and Impact Wrestling is currently airing on Spike TV. I guess the Spike TV executives thought Jeff Jarrett was a joke? Right? I guess the executives had to be blackmailed by Jeff Jarrett? Fox Sports Net would have loved to keep Impact on. Why, Because Impact was paying them money for airtime. A lot of shows on Fox Sports Net are pretty much paid programming. Bellator Fighting Champioships used to pay for their television time on Fox Sport Net before making it big on MTV2. 0 for 1 for Blair A. Douglas. So Hulk Hogan and Eric Bishoff criticized Jeff Jarrett? Now we take Bischoff’s word as the word of gospel? And Hogan? Yeah, he is not a clown? Hogan critizes everyone NOT NAMED HULK HOGAN! So, you cannot take them seriously. Triple H? The guy who is married to the boss’ daughter? Okay terrific. Both Chyna and Steve Austin were both egotistacal jerk during the final years in the WWE. Chyna wanted more money and left. Austin walked out on RAW because he refused to work with Brock Lesnar back in 2002. Both Vince McMahon and Jim Ross called him a quitter for doing that. Ric Flair criticized Jeff Jarrett? Again, Flair criticizes everyone NOT NAMED RIC FLAIR! Arn Anderson? Yeah like I am going to pay attention to a guy who was Flair’s personal caddy for 20 years. 0 for 2 for Blair. Fox wanted to “cancel” TNA Impact so much that they gave TNA Impact another night for encore episodes of the show? That makes no sense. 0 for 1 for Jader. What are you talking about? It cost TNA money to put their show on Fox Sports Net. What is so difficult to understand? They get a much better deal with Spike TV: Free airtime and Spike keeps revenue from ads. 0 for 2 for jader. Jim Ross said some very nice things about Jeff Jarrett awhile back. Maybe things have changed. 0 for 3 for jader. To borrow a phrase from Chris Tucker: “Do you not understand the words coming out of my mouth?” Let not the FACTS keep you away from a good story.

Blair: Oh, for f… it’s “do you understand”. Not “do you not understand”. So, I guess, no, you can’t borrow the phrase if you’re not going to say it right. Also, your whole “to borrow a phrase from” thing has made me pretty sure that you are ALSO Fuj. But I’m going to respond anyway, because this is, as Fuj (aka: probably you) would say, is “all kinds of awesome”.

Permit me to summarize your above statements. Everyone in the world has an unfair, biased opinion of Jeff Jarrett, so we can take no one at their word, unless of course they’re saying positive things about him. Fox SportsNet refused to pay TNA ANY money whatsoever for Impact, and this is somehow different to you than getting cancelled, even though it’s actually WORSE than cancellation, because at least a cancelled show would have gotten some money from their network for their show BEFORE being cancelled. I think that covers everything.

But this sentance you left in the middle… oh man… I swear I have never… you know what, just read it.

Cory / Fuj / Fast Eddie: Blair A. Douglas works in Corporate Finance? HAHAHA! I would not be proud to admit that Mr. Douglas. Thanks for ruing the U.S. Economy with close to 8 million Americans out of work and collecting unemployment benefits.
Blair: This is the greatest thing I have EVER read. What do I even say to this? “You’re welcome”? Or “next time you pay transaction fees, think of me”?

THE BOTTOM LINE

Steven Gepp: “I guess Chyna killed Karen and Karen is gone now?” Please! “Anderson can talk okay when he’s not trying to be edgy or funny.” Okay, not great, not brilliant, not the second coming of the Rock crossed with Chris Jericho. “Bischoff says that tonight, he is going to wipe out the X-Division.” Too late! Nash, poor booking and the fact there was no X-Division in WCW have all already conspired to kill the X-Division. “See, THAT’S how you showcase Samoa F**king Joe. That’s the perfect example of how you do a  squash match,” So expect to see Joe jobbed out to Rosita at the next PPV. “Then Not Sting is also shown walking in the back.” Well, it has been way more than 7 years since Jarrett last pulled this crap on Sting… “Generation ME .vs. Matt Hardy & Eric Bischoff…  Winners: Matt Hardy & Eric Bischoff” F**k you, TNA. Just… F**k you. “All right. I guess this was a BIT of an improvement.” Like being stabbed in the leg is an improvement over being stabbed in the stomach. Sorry, this sucks. WWE sucks, TNA sucks. It’s like living through the early 90s all over again when both major promotions back then had no idea. Only now we have a company for whom ‘wrestling matters’ so they give us a lot of talking, hypnotism story-lines, uncomfortable family squabbles, WWE castoffs, and Eric f’n Bischoff pinning young up and comers. Then we have a ‘sports entertainment’ company who pisses on what the fans want, give us the same old thing over and over again, and treat fans of their pseudo-sport as complete and utter morons. This year my fandom is dropping rather rapidly…

Blair: This year? You mean over the space of at LEAST the last 5 years, right? Anyway, aside from Nash killing the X-Division (his plan was actually to put it over before he got injured), you’re pretty much bang on with everything. The thing is though, being stabbed in the leg IS an improvement over being stabbed in the stomach. You’ve gotta understand, sometimes you just gotta take a really terrible show being slightly less terrible as a BIT of an improvement. That doesn’t mean it isn’t still a stab in the leg though, and no one was saying that the show was actually good. But I’m sure you know that.

Anyway, the second part of your comment was what I really wanted to address.

The idea that wrestling sucks right now.

You’re wrong.

Wrestling BLOWS right now.

WWE is so boring that it’s unwatchable. It has been for a REALLY long time, as in years, albiet with a few very short-term exceptions. But WWE at least knows what they’re doing. I may not agree with it, and I may not enjoy watching it, but don’t be fooled. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing. Still, for me, watching WWE feels like getting waterboarded.

TNA may not be boring, but only because they’re fucking insane most of the time, and because many times they’ll do something to give us some hope (ie: a name change) and they keep that little glimmer of hope alive just long enough to get people excited, before we are all reminded of the difference between TNA and WWE. And that’s that TNA don’t have ANY idea what they’re doing, and that they never have. Watching TNA is less boring than watching WWE in the way that watching Jerry Springer is more entertaining than watching Law And Order. It doesn’t mean that Springer is better than Law And Order. It just means Springer is more capable of catching your attention, for better or worse. (In Springer AND in TNA’s case… worse.) Watching TNA feels like getting waterboarded… on your birthday.

I remember when all these TNA idiot marks were all happy that TNA was going head-to-head with WWE on Monday Nights. They were SURE that TNA was going to take WWE down, and even WWE fans were like “MONDAY NIGHT WAR 2!!!”. Hulk Hogan was SINGING ON THE RADIO about how he was going to put Vince McMahon down. I was just like “Are they fucking serious? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS.” As we all know now, Monday Night War 2 was extremely quick and brutal.

Anyway, that’s why I find the “1993” statement to be a very apt analogy. What we need is the next ECW, and it SURE as hell isn’t TNA. It would be nice if that next big thing was ROH, and after this newest “ROH being bought” deal, I suppose it’s possible, but I don’t see it happening. The other problem is that any small promotion that springs up, everyone immediately assumes after one good show that THEY’RE the next ECW, almost overnight. People even said that about 3PW. Remember 3PW? Everyone was buzzing about that nonsense, and that ended with that whore Jasmine St. Claire selling the promotion on E-Bay. I swear I didn’t make that up. She sold 3PW on E-Bay. It’s incredible.

Fuck, where was I even going with this? I don’t even remember. So instead, to tell us about his idea for saving TNA, here’s Swayze.

Swayze Saves TNA

Okay, heres my awesome idea. Because TNA needs a storyline to save itself. They start the show with Hogan backstage, talking to some Panda Energy suits. He intros them to Bischoff and mentions who they are, so the audience can follow. At this point, Hogan thinks he’s still all “HULKAMANIA” and these Panda Energy guys love him, and love the Spike TV show. And they do seem really nice.

Later on, we see another backstage skit with Hogan and the suits. And Hogan is saying how everything is great in TNA, and all the ideas he has to make the company bigger. The suits just look at each other, and then one of them finally tells Hogan the truth. Bob Carter is tired of Dixie and her wrestling bullshit. They tell Hogan that the reason they hired him, Bischoff and Jeff Hardy was to bring the ratings even lower. Dixie hasn’t been calling the shots since January 4th of 2010 when Hogan and Bischoff came in. And once the ratings sink to a certain depth, Spike TV will cancel TNA Impact or Impact Wrestling or whatever the fuck. Anyway, the suits thank Hogan for doing such a good job of tanking ratings, and tell him to keep going, and that after it’s all over, he will be taken care of.

Hulk Hogan is devastated. He had no idea he was being uesd to tank ratings. He thought he still had it, and actually thought that he was doing a good job. The audience really DID know better the entire time. The whole thing plays out like one big dose of reality for Hogan. He does some soul searching, and goes to Eric Bischoff. He tells Eric everything, including the fact that they will be taken care of, and that Panda executives think Hogan is a joke. Then Hogan starts to wonder if he really is a joke now, and Eric says he’s got Hogan’s back, whatever he decides, and asks him what he wants to do.

Hogan sighs, and says nothing for a moment… then takes a deep breath as though he is about to admit defeat… but then says “Fuck it, let’s really turn this show around and shove it up those suits’ asses, brother.”

Credits roll. Fade to black.

How will Hulk Hogan save TNA? Tune in next week, I’ll give you Part 2. I’ll be in my trailer.

Thanks Swayze! All right, here is a show that will be nowhere near as good as the show that Swayze just described.

Matt Morgan hasn’t been on the show for the past 3 weeks. I think we can all agree to collectively hope that this positive trend continues.

Oh and by the way, Chyna won’t be on the show tonight either. She has already left TNA to focus on her porn career. No joke.

“Anderson Centre Stage”

The show is in memory of Randy Savage. They recap Ken Anderson’s SHOCKING ACTIONS from last week.

Out comes nWo Immortal and… wait, no… holy shit!!! They’re opening with a match!!! Sorry, I just naturally assume that nWo Immortal opens the show each week.

No-Disqualification Street Fight
Bully Ray & Tommy Dreamer .vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels

AJ is in a neckbrace. He and Tommy start brawling while Daniels and Ray go at it. AJ and Tommy brawl into the stands while Daniels and Ray go at it around ringside. AJ throws Tommy over a railing, before AJ leaps off the railing onto Tommy. Daniels is tossing weapons into the ring while people chant “Fallen Angel”. Daniels smacks Ray with some garbage can lids… quite a few times. Ray keels over and hits his face on another lid. Ha, that was funny. Daniels tries to hit BME, but eats a boot from Ray who then gives him a suplex. 2 count. AJ rushes the ring and hits the Pele. AJ rushes Tommy in the corner but eats a big boot.

Tommy tears the neckbrace off and punches AJ in the neck. Bubba gives him a neckbreaker. Then Tommy does the same. Tommy has taken off his shirt and is in that weird singlet again. Ray hits ANOTHER neckbreaker. Ray goes for a piledriver, but Daniels knocks Tommy off the rope nad hits Ray with an Enziguri. AJ is up a bit too quickly after multiple neckbreakers on his injured neck, and hits a kendo stick to Ray’s head. AJ and Daniels give Tommy a spiked piledriver. Pin.

Winners: AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels

Well, that was unexpectedly decent.

Hulk Hogan is getting out of a car.

Commercial.

THE SCOPRION SITDOWN

I didn’t make up that stupid name. TNA did. Anyway, Anderson is coming out dressed as Sting again.

He brings out Disco Inferno. I swear to God I didn’t  make that up.

So, yeah. I’ll see you in a few minutes.

We’re back. You missed absolutely nothing. Ken Anderson sucks. Disco did not need to blade, let alone blade anywhere near as much as he did, but I’m guessing he needs work.

Commercial.

Eric Young walks into a bathroom. When the camera gets into the bathroom, Young appears dazed, and gunner is Beating him up with a stall door. Eric Young rambles for a little while. It sounds like Eric Young is suggesting laying down for Gunner so Gunner can have his belt back. But I don’t think Gunner ever officially lost that belt. That makes no sense. Did I hallucinate that? What the fuck just happened?

Velvet Sky comes to the ring, and calls out ODB. Velvet wants to know what the fuck her problem was. ODB says she was fired a year ago, and she thinks Velvet got her fired. I don’t know what the fuck ODB is talking abuot. Velvet doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about either. Velvet is tired of having her friends kidnapped and hypnotized and raped, being called a whore, and having the living tar beaten out of her on a weekly basis. She’s not gonna take it anymore!!! ODB sys that Velvet just sleeps with everyone to get ahead. She then knocks Velvet down and starts beating her ass. ODB gets on top of her and talks about how Velvet likes it on her back. Security hits the ring to separate them.

Rob Van Dam / Kurt Angle video package. Decent-looking. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had a singles match.

Commercial. We’re 35 minutes into this show that is apparently all about wrestling now. They’ve had 6 minutes of wrestling so far. That’s not an exaggeration. It was a good 6 minutes, but that statement stands.

Beer Money are in Eric Bischoff’s office. Bischoff says that Roode’s arm is injured and that Beer Money is supposed to defend their tag-team titles at Slammiversary. I don’t remember that match being announced yet. Bischoff tries to be funny, but it doesn’t work. Storm threatens Bischoff. Bischoff threatens to fire them.

TNA apparently has a show called X-plosion. Pope apparently was trying to hit on D-Von’s wife during whatever this show is. D-Von didn’t like this. They talk to Pope about it, and Pope thinks that D-Von needs to chill.

Kurt Angle is talking to Matt Morgan. DAMMIT!!! 3 week streak down the drain. Kurt calls Matt the most dominant force in TNA Wrestling and says to watch out for Karen.

Commercial. 45 minutes in now. Still only 6 minutes of wrestling, but those 6 minutes mattered.

Matt Morgan .vs. Jeff Jarrett (w/ Karen Angle)

Matt Morgan bores the hell out of me. Jeff Jarrett bores the hell out of me. This should be a great match. I guess I can hope that one of them gives the other a career-ending injury-though. Karen comes out on a crutch. Matt Morgan comes out to very little reaction. Jeff tries to get Karen a chair to sit on. But Hebner tries to throw her out. Jarrett shoves Hebner. Hebner just moves the chair back 3 feet. Apparently this solves the issue for him. Because it’s not like she could just walk the 3 feet to actual ringside or anything. Way to go, Earl.

Jarrett gives Morgan a rope rape. Jarrett tries a cross-body, but Morgan kicks out at 0. Morgan gives Jarrett the BODY AVALANCHE AND THE RETARD CORNER ELBOWS AND THE SIDE SLAM!!! Those are his 3 most devastating moves aside from the CARBON FOOTPRINT! Now people are chanting for Morgan. Ugh. Jarrett tries a leapfrog but misses, Morgan tries a CARBON FOOTPRINT and misses, but gives him a SIDEWALK SLAM!!! Karen gets up and walks to ringside. Morgan tries some kind of slam-pin or something, but gets two. Karen gives Jarrett the crutch, Jarrett hits Morgan with it, gives him The Stroke, and gets 2. Morgan grabs him by the throat and hits the Carbon Footprint.

Karen gets up on the apron to distract Earl. Steiner comes out from under the ring, drops Morgan with his move, and gets back under the ring. Jarrett pins.

Winner: Jeff Jarrett

Wow, that was fucking awful.

Commercial. Some girl seems awfully happy that she paid MyLife.com to tell her out that 7 people are stalking her.

One hour in. 13 minutes of wrestling. I realize it’s only been about 42 minutes of actual showtime, but that still means that only 1/3 of this show about wrestling has been wrestling so far.

Foley / Hogan / last week recap. It’s almost like there are two different guys in TNA who do the video packages. One of them sucks, one of them is decent.

Bischoff is in the ring. He talks some nonsense about Hogan and Foley talking to the network. Apparently Hogan has all the power now again. Hogan comes out. He says that he is in control of Impact Wrestling again. Then he talks about signing autographs and what a genius he is. Then he talks about how Bischoff did such a great job last week. Apparently the fans think that the X-Division doesn’t matter.

Foley’s music hits. Hogan looks confused. Foley says he is a network executive. Foley says that after Hogan left the meeting, that he found out that all Hulk did was piss the network off. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. He says that he showed the network how the X-Division was the backbone of TNA and how they can’t have a WRESTLING show without the X-Division. He says he’s going to take a trip around the world to find the best X-Division wrestlers, and at Destination-X they are going to put them all in Ultimate X. All that for one match?

Bischoff says that Foley is talking about PPV, and Foley has no jurisdiction on PPV. Foley says that the network promotes the PPV’s, so he can do what he wants on the PPV. This. Is. Retarded. Hogan wants Foley to get in the ring tonight and fight for the X-Division Title against Abyss.

Brian Kendrick hits the ring. God is talking through him apparently. Now he is rhyming. No reaction to this whatsoever. Red and Gen ME are here too. Hogan calls him “Kendricks”, and it’s not too hard to believe that Hogan doesn’t know what his name is. Kendrick yells back at him. Kendrick wants the match against Abyss. Hogan says that’s cool. Did they seriously job Kaz out of the title so that they could let KENDRICK get a program like this?

Backstage amongst some candles, Winter is giving naked Angelina a massage. According to Winter, the world is ready to realize what these two are and worship them. They are about to fulfill a promise that they made to each other in another lifetime. Nothing I can joke about regarding this could do proper justice. TNA is a realistic show that is all about athletics and wrestling, while at the same time completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots.

Commercial. WaterDrip just sent me a link for Kotaro Suzuki .vs. Eddie Edwards from January of this year. I have been hearing nothing but good things about that. Now I have to struggle to  not abandon Impact to watch that match.

Winter and Angelina Love comes out. Mike Tenay tells us that this relationship between them has gone on for centuries. I ACTUALLY think I would rather have Michael Cole out here for this.

Winter (w/ Angelina Love) .vs. HARDCORE COUNTRY

Winter locks on an armbar. Then she starts pulling some hair. Mickie gives her a chinlock, and hits a dropkick to the face. Then Mickie picks up Winter and drops her. Mickie hits the swinging DDT. Pin.

Winner: HARDCORE COUNTRY

Ha, a squash. That’s awesome. 3 minute match. 16 minutes of wrestling so far. An hour and 20 minutes in. This is very crap-tastic. I just took out my rage on MC on Twitter.

Blood is coming out of Winter’s mouth. Angelina gets in the ring and knocks Mickie off the apron. She then goes apeshit and starts beating the crap out of Mickie. Then she gets into the ring and cradles Winter.

Abyss is backstage. He is planning to eat The Brian Kendrick. I hope he does. Kaz jumps him backstage and takes Janice away.

Commercial. Why the hell are they still advertising a Desmond Wolfe action figure?!?!

TNA X-Division Title Match
Abyss .vs. The Brian Kendrick

Kendrick dives out of the ring to start the match. He barely touches Abyss. Abyss tries to hit him but runs into the champ. Kendrick hits some kicks. People are chanting for him. Ugh. Abyss grabs him by the throat and is very mad. Kendrick with another flying kick. Abyss with an elbow. Kendrick is down. Abyss is choking him in the corner. EAT HIM!!! Instead, Abyss gives him a BODY AVALANCHE. Kendrick tries a charge but runs into a bearhug by Abyss. Kendrick escapes, charges, and gets knocked down. Abyss continues to tenderize him. Abyss gives him a press slam that Kendrick escapes from, and delivers 3 different dropkicks. He then hits another missile one from the top. 2 count.

Kendrick goes back up to the top, but Abyss runs into the ropes and he falls. Blackhole slam. 3 count. Kendrick sucks.

Winner & Still TNA X-Division Champion: Abyss

5 minutes. We have broken the 20 minute wrestling mark by 1 minute. An hour and 40 minutes into the show.

They show the RVD / Angle promo again obviously, because they need to talk about how they’re all about wrestling now instead of spending any real time putting on actual wrestling matches.

Commercial.

Backstage, Angle is talking about how awesome RVD is.

TNA Television Championship Match
Eric Young .vs. Gunner

Wow, look at this fucking dream match right here. I legit forgot this belt existed. I bet this match goes 30 seconds. Tenay talks about how this is supposed to be like Hogan / Nash. EY lies down. Gunner gets on top of him. EY rolls him up. Pin.

Winner & New TNA Teleivision Champion: Eric Young

Wow, and I was just being sarcastic about the 30 seconds thing. But that was just over 20 seconds long. Or maybe 20 seconds WRONG is a better way to put it. Anyway, I will be generous. and round up the “WRESTLING MATTERS MINUTES” total up to 22.

Anyway, Gunner comedically chases EY around. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha, what a wonderful, clever bit.

Commercial.

Jeff Jarrett and Karen are out at ringside. They have headsets.

Kurt Angle .vs. Rob Van Dam

After Jarrett / Karen, the intros, and JB’s extended intro, they have 6 minutes left, max, to work the match. Which means they won’t even break the half-hour total.

I fucking LOVE this show.

Angle hits a headlock, Van Dam sends him off but gets shoulderblocked. RVD tries a monkey flip but Angle reversed, only to eat two side kicks and a Rolling Thunder. Van Dam already bleeding out of his mouth. Angle slides out of the ring and recoups, and comes back in to power RVD down with a headlock. Another shoulderblock by Angle, he then eats a dropkick and a monkey-flip. Van Dam then runs into a belly-to-belly suplex. Snap suplex by Angle. 2 count, twice over. Reverse bearhug by Angle.

People chanting for Angle. RVD reverses out and hits a couple elbows, but runs into a kneelift. Another resthold by Angle. Kurt with clubs to the back of the neck. Jarrett is yelling at Tenay on split-screen. Half the match has been run with Jarrett on split-screen. Van Dam hits another side kick. Van Dam battles up, and hits a spin-kick when Angle caught his leg. Van Dam to the top rope, and hits a thrust-kick. He tries a clothesline, but then gets reversed into a german suplex for 2. Angle picks him up for a suplex, but Van Dam hangs on and hits a hard DDT.

Van Dam to the top rope, but Angle gets up and germans him off. 2 count. Decent outing so far. Angle locks on the Ankle lock. Van Dam hangs on for a while, then rolls around and hits a few kicks to Angle, followed by another spin-kick. Van Dam to the top rope, but misses a 5-Star Frog Splash. Angle hits an Angle Slam, for 3.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Well, that was actually pretty decent. I didn’t think they’d actually do that one straight-up. I will round it up to 7 minutes, which brings the show to 29 minutes of actual wrestling, so let’s be generous and call it 30.

I’m not going to be unfair and call it 30 minutes out of 120, because there’s commercials. Your average hour-long show runs 42 minutes out of an hour, so let’s be generous again and round up, so that means they had 30 minutes of wrestling out of 85 minutes of airtime. So 35% of Impact Wrestling was actually wrestling.

That’s not even the part that matters though. There were only 2 matches that were any good, and that was the first one and the last one. As a matter of fact, those were the only two parts of the show overall that were any good whatsoever.

I don’t know. Am I crazy? Was this show actually good? I don’t think it was. Tell me what you guys think. Remember to comment and follow me on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas.

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and have a good weekend.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,