For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/30/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/30/11

“Yessir we promised you a great main event.”

We start by remnding you to that America is awesome and everyone else is subpar before a long stretch of darkness. Resurrection Truth is in the back destroying merchandise and there’s no sound. Fantastic.

RAW apparently is being produced in a bunker this week. Truth appears in the arena and there’s now sound. He’s yelling about John Cena t-shirts. This is brutal. Cena finally appears and this is on five second delay so it’s like watching it in Japanese.

Finally, Truth’s sound clicks in as he blames John Cena and Little Jimmy for keeping him down. Guess Little Jimmy runs the audio. Cena says that the fans aren’t Jimmys and that Truth is crazy. Oh, and John wants to knock some sense back into him. Either that or “cents”, because he’s investing in The Twoof.

The GMail goes off and makes the match official, Resurrection-Truth versus John Cena. Oh, and Cena’s gonna get got, whatever that means.


Kofi Kingston v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Cole takes time to point out that he and Lawler are all besties again. Aww.

Dolph and Kofi do some mat wrestling to start and…my DVR crashes. By the time it’s back up and running, I see that Ziggler has won and I don’t know how. In the four years of me doing this column, that has never before happened. Always a first. Fantastic. Guess it wasn’t just the WWE that was having “technical difficulties”.


We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez in the ring. He looks like a caricature. Del Rio pulls into the arena and manages to not hit any other ex-WCW Champions. Guess that means we’ll still have to hear Booker T on Smackdown.

Del Rio reminds us what his name is before saying that we already knew that. We now get a video package highlighting his vehicular assault. Ricardo tells us what happened, but it’s in Spanish. Wacky. Alberto says that business is business and that Big Show owes him money for damaging his car. Then, in the most awesome heel moment of the year, he tells Show to “get well soon”.


The Bella Twins v. Kelly Kelly & Eve

The Bellas are in the leopard print, so feel free to make your “jungle pussy” jokes here. We then are informed that Kelly Kelly is one of the 100 hottest women in the world. Eve also made Female Ultimate Warrior Impersonators “Warrior of the Month”. Eve and One Bella roll around until Eve locks in a submission hold.

The Other Bella runs in to break this up and now One Bella is in control. She tags in Other Bella who kicks away at Eve. Other Bella gets a front facelock but Eve breaks free with a nice looking throw. She crawls through Bella’s legs and tags in Kelly, who smacks the Bella on the ass.

Kelly’s belt flies off as she gives a Stinkface to Other Bella. Eve hits a dropkick on One Bella and Kelly drops Other Bella for the pin.


We’re back with more awkward family pictures and a barbeque in Omaha.

Michael Cole is in the ring and he reminds us that The Miz fired The Mizfit. He called Mizfit attacking Miz akin to Judas and Wayne Newton before showing us a highlight.

Alex Riley comes out with his own theme music and a fancy suit. Cole asks him how could he. Apparently The Miz was like a father to him, even though they’re about the same age. According to Cole, children were emotionally distraught over what he did. The Miz is a friend of Michael Cole and The Miz was hurt by the attack. He was emotionally scarred because Mizfit was his right-hand man. Cole asks him to justify his actions.

Mizfit says that he’s never felt better in his life…sober. Cole tells Mizfit to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Mizfit tells Cole to shut up and says he has a big mouth and is arrogant and annoying…like Maude…I mean The Miz. Mizfit knocks Cole down to a massive pop but he gets jumped by The Miz.

The two men brawl to the outside where The Miz hops the guardrail and runs out of the arena.

I don’t know how it happened, but the WWE made Alex Riley seem like a star.


Rey Mysterio v. CM Punk w/ Rave Ratista

During Mysterio’s entrance, Cole says that Husky Harris is one of the tag champions. Way to pay attention, Cole. Punk jumps Rey to start and beats him down the corner. He whips Rey into the ropes but Rey comes back with his patented flippy move offense but gets caught with a boot and is slid out of the ring.

Mysterio battles back to the top of the apron but gets slammed into the metal post by Mason Ryan as we fade to…


We’re back and Punk has Rey in a stretch but Mysterio realized we were back from commercial and he broke free. Rey goes for a leg-scissor but gets caught with a backbreaker. Punk locks in his own leg scissor hold, all the while berating him.

Rey breaks free and fires off some kicks but gets caught and set up for a suplex. Mysterio breaks free and Punk winds up in the 619 position but Punk moves to the outside and still winds up getting caught with a suicide dive.

Both guys wind up back in the ring and trade quick near falls before Punk catches him with another backbreaker for two. Punk goes for the GTS but Rey headscissors him into the 619 position but Mason Ryan distracts Rey and Punk goes for another GTS but Rey breaks free only to get kicked in the head for a pin.

We now get highlights of Steve Austin on Jimmy Fallon.


We get highlights of Kharma destroying Divas before her breakdown last week.

Kharma is standing in the middle of the ring and looks all transfixed. Kharma talks about how this was her dream and how she went out for Tough Enough but Jim Ross told her she was too fat to be a WWE Diva. It sucks that this is such a good promo and now she’s leaving. Kharma reveals that she’s “with child”, but since it’s a high-risk pregnancy, she can’t continue to compete. She promises to be back.

The Bella Twins come out to mock her for being fat. She says that she hopes The Bellas are there when she comes back because she has a new dream…to kill them.

Cole pretends that people care about Capitol Punishment so that we can see more lame Obama comedy.


Kurt SwAngle v. Evan Bourne

SwAngle boots Bourne down a few times and goes for a bell-to-back but Bourne shifts so that they both go crashing to the outside. SwAngle tosses Bourne back into the ring and levels him with a clothesline. He then does his taunting push-up on the other guy’s back spot, which is always classy.

SwAngle slaps Bourne in the head, which sparks Token Offense until he gets caught with a sideslam. He goes for a waistlock but Bourne rolls him up out of nowhere for the pin.

John Cena is walking in the back before bumping into Zack Ryder, who is rocking his own title.


Resurrection-Truth v. John Cena

They lock up and Truth bails to the outside. He comes back into the ring and Cena muscles him to the outside. Truth argues with fans before rolling into the ring. John catches a booth and quickly runs through the Five Moves of Mediocrity before Truth again rolls to the outside.

Truth runs back into the ring and almost gets caught in an FU but he leaps again to…say it with me now…the outside. Cena follows him to the outside but gets cheap-shotted and Truth makes it in before the 10 count to win the match. Truth then grabs the soda from the guy he berated in the beginning of the night and throws it in his face.

And that’ll do it, apparently.

This has been for your consideration.

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