That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 06.03.2011 – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

Welcome to another edition of “That Being Said”. This week, The BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER continues to race down the tracks at breakneck speed to save the albatross that is TNA from fading into the mists of history. With Swayze’s great ideas and Crystal’s willingness to expose her breasts for ratings, and my ability to exploit people with great ideas or willingness to expose their breasts for ratings, I think we have a good chance.

Remember to follow me on Twitter www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas. A TNA fan went nuts on me this week, and then proceded to go from nuts to apeshit when I asked him some simple questions. His whereabouts are still unknown.

Interinactivity

DC: No. No, that show was NOT good. Though I can’t wait until next week’s Scorpion Sitdown with “Das Wunderkind” Alex Wright and Tokyo Magnum.
Blair: I was hoping he would re-exume Glacier.

EWF_X29: Wow what a disappointment. Especially after last week show was pretty good but I guess that’s the ceiling for TNA/Impact. I do kind of like Abyss’s new direction. Somebody must of did the Sun Tzu bit before but it might work for him. And I’m one of the many that HATE Abyss.
Blair: I didn’t think that the week before last was pretty good. I actually thought that last week was a bit better, thanks to two of the matches. But both shows were still pretty bad. And you hate Abyss? Why? Dude works hard, and has  good matches for the most part.

ASGurl: Very nice recap. And your Twitter is awesome. I want to follow Swayze. Not on Twitter, in real life. *swoon*
Swayze: FIST PUMP to ASGurl! That is all.

CB: You know that episode of South Park where Cartman and the gang start a “wrestling” company, but then all they do is talk? Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
Blair: South Park > TNA

COREY YUEN / THE FUJ

Cory Huen: Man, have a lunch break, so why not check out what the great Blair A. Douglas has to say: 1 – Comlaining about Imapct wrestling. Check. 2 – Still unable to provide proper information about TNA and FSN. Check. 3 – Compalining about Eric Young. Check. 3 for 3 for Douglas. I am laughing my balls off being accues of being The Fuj. LOL!!! I kind of dig it though, I feel kinda of cool, like Jason Bourne! If you think that I am what you think I am, then I think you are Blair Douglas/Swayze/Waterdrip/crystal. THERE! How you like them apples, Mr. “finacial consultant”. 

Blair: You struck out a long time ago when you said no one in the world could be trusted to render an opinion on Jeff Jarrett, said that Impact on FSN was a success, and that I was responsible for the financial collapse. But that last one did get you commenter of the year, and you’ve seen the contenders – that’s a tough category. Anyway, Swayze got Corey duty this week.

Corey, I don’t know what you’re whining about. However, you spelled complaining wrong. Twice. Differently. Also, Corey is spelled with an E. Stop spelling your name wrong. Then maybe… MAYBE I will deem you worthy enough to mock.

The Fuj: That’s what I call Impact baby!!! Now, to borrow a phrase from my homeboy Bill O’Reilly, “Now some talking points.”: 1 – You can now add Velvet Sky along with madison Rayne as the two best women wrestlers in the business today. Velvet is improving in her matches and is now doing a great job on the mic and is developing her personality very nicely on Impact Wrestling. 2 – Eric Young is the funniest dude alive! Seriously, Young is the Will ferrell of wrestling. 3 – Jeff Jarrett should be the TNA champion. I never uinderstood whty they went away from the successful formula of Jeff Jarrett TNA Champion vs Big time free agent brought into TNA (Kevin Nash, Christian Cage, Sting). TNA have potential great matchups that we are not seeing like Jarrett vs RVD, Jarret vs Matt Hardy, Jarrett vs Mr. Anderson. Those will make money. 4 – Disco Inferno FTW!!! Man, Disco was awesome in his segment with Mr. Anderson. I liked it. You know a Disco Inferno and Robbie E. tag team would be nice. 5 – Good show overall, I enjoyed it. 6 – According to some people, *cough SWAYZE cough* Bill Goldberg would never “spit” on TNA. Well according to some of the wrestling news sites, There is video, posted by Bill Goldberg, of Eric Bischoff having an interview on A PLANE with DA MAN. So yeah, Mr. Swayze, Goldberg would not spit on tna, instead hi is ready to unleash a loogie! Peace. Happy Memorial Day!!! Huzzah!
Blair: Shut the fuck up.

Jader: I LOVED Swayze’s fantasy booking, and thank you Crystal for quieting the men on here about how being less terrible women’s wrestlers doesn’t mean they’re not still terrible. BEST FING TNA TEAM EVER!!!!
Crystal: TNA Knockouts < Foxy Boxing

Bill B: I think that TNA’s wrestling is betterthan WWE’s, but WWE’s story lines are way better than TNA’s.
Blair: TNA’s wrestling and storylines aren’t consistent enough to rank against anyone else’s. Right now, and for at least the last two years, WWE storylines have been the most boring thing on TV. The only people that enjoy watching Super-Fake-Marine-Wigger and Bat-Viper-Predator slow punch every single wrestler put up against them are children. WWE’s storylines make more SENSE than TNA’s, I’ll give you that much.

Toilet Man: I am a huge WWE fan. However, even I must admit that the last 2 TNA shows were more entertaining than the past five weeks of WWE. I’m going to quit watching WWE soon because Cena is immortal. Nothing really moving happens in WWE. It’s watered down and just plain sucks now. I always hated TNA. But since I started watching, I found I really liked it.
I can totally sympathize with being upset with how horrible WWE is. Because it is really horrible. In fact, TNA’s entire fanbase consists of angry fans of WWE like yourself fed up with WWE. But TNA is no better. It’s much, much worse. Sorry mainstream wrestling sucks man.

Michael: TNA is bleeding money because you have a fucking mark paying into it (over-under on Dixie going full BK: 6 months!) and the only guy worth even following on the show is hated by probably most of the locker room and definitely most of the reviewers on this site.
Blair: Who are you talking about? I legitimately have no idea. The rest of us don’t either. I’m interested. We all took a guess though. I guessed Angle?
I guess Hogan.

Limodriver: C’mon. Although the segment with Disco Inferno went on way, way too long, the fact that they found Disco Inferno and put him on TV was miles of awesome. I’ll bet Marcus Bagwell could use some money. I hope they find him.
Blair: I said I WANTED GLACIER DAMMIT!!!

Steven Gepp: Despite TNA’s hype, RVD v Kurt Angle happened on Raw during the whole Invasion storyline. It was for the Hardcore title, with Angle representing WWF and Dam representing ECW. It ended with an ECW wrestlers run-in, a save by Jeff Hardy, and then Jeff Hardy winning the title under that ridiculous hardcore rule WWF had for waaaaaaaay too long. Oh, and they also wrestled on Samckdown when RVD was Hardcore champ and Angle was WWF champ (thanks to Matt for reminding me of that one!). And we both reckon they wrestled at least once more on WWF TV during the whole Invasion angle.
Remember when Angle and RVD used to fight in WWE and every match Angle would end up with a bloody eye or nose or something? Then Karen started complaining that RVD was too stiff. Good times. This RVD Angle match was nothing though. TNA is pathetic, and this new marketing campaign is pathetic too. Anyone who was actually thinking TNA was going to change up the show in any way is silly.
Blair: See, I didn’t mind the Angle / RVD match. Especially given that it was a TV match. It doesn’t excuse the rest of the show, but yeah.

Jonah Kue: Change is slow. It’s too early to tell if this new approach in TNA is really substantial, but it is showing potential. I will say this, though. If I have to suffer through Jarrett/Morgan again, Hogan and Foley are getting their tires sliced.
There is no new approach in TNA. I’m seriously suprised so many of you actually thought there was going to be. Even Bischoff is laughing at you people and said anyone who actually thought all the promise of change was actually going to lead to change, they were just fooling themselves.
Blair: But we were featured in Kue’s recall last week. So we love you.

Erik: As for impact, it just seems like business as usual for them. Plenty of jarrett, some hogan network nonsense, low amounts of wrestling, and more creepy nonsensical knockouts storylines. And of course the small ray of hope in 2 decent matches that hint at the actual potential of the promotion.
Blair: This is why TNA is sad to watch. If this show lived up to their POTENTIAL… man, it would just be fantastic.

This brings us to…

Swayze Saves TNA: Part Dos

Just exchange members of the TNA rosters for members of the Indians from the Major Leagues movies. The end.

“Dumb Episode Title”

I missed the opening couple minutes of Impact. When I tuned in, ODB and Velvet were kicking the living shit out of each other in a segment that should have been on Skinamax. At one point ODB was pouring water on Velvet, becaues I guess Velvet is made of fire or something? I don’t know. Then ODB stripped Velvet, and the announcers are treating this like it’s a really big deal, even though Velvet often wrestles in less clothing than what ODB has stripped her to. ODB powers her down to the mat and some HLA happens. Then ODB pretends to pin Velvet. Miss Tessmacher for the save.

Ken Anderson dressed up as Sting is coming out. Because it was so edgy and innovative for the last couple weeks, and the reactions to it were so positive and flattering. He comes out and says he is taking things to a new level. He says that tonight he will be facing one of Sting’s most storied competitors. Is Meng coming? Is Earthquake dead yet? Was it whoever was driving the Hummer? That was Maggie, right?

Eric Bischoff is walking in the back, and he says to soemone on the phone that he got served with papers from Spike TV. Kendrick comes up and thanks him for the shot against Abyss last week. He wants another shot this week. Bischoff tells him that his life is bullshit basically. He puts Kendrick in a match against Kaz for tonight.

Commercial. They’re releasing that new Duke Nukem game finally? What did that take? 10 years?

Bischoff is talking to Hogan on the phone, because Hogan can’t be bothered to show up to Impact most of the time. He is talking about some legal papers he got in the mail. He talks a lot of bullshit but not a whole lot is said. Something about getting served papers from Spike TV. I don’t know.

Now Bischoff is in the ring. He calls Beer Money out. Bischoff says something to them about not hearing from Beer Money’s doctors. Apparently the British Invasion was the team that was supposed to fight Beer Money. But Beer Money can’t fight now. So Bischoff is making them surrender the belts. Why would he be mad about that then? Shouldn’t he be glad that he can strip the belts from him? TNA fucking sucks.

Alex Shelley hits the ring. Good reaction from Shelley. Shelley is awesome. He says that Sabin has a torn ACL and will be out until 2012. Good fucking job Anarquia or whatever the fuck your name is. Shelley says that he remembers the Best Of 5 series that MCMG had with Beer Money. Shelley says that he can step in for Roode and team with James Storm. Bischoff yells at him and says he can’t do that. Shelley says that The Network told him he could do it. For f… whatever. Shelley says he wants to form “Gun Money” – nice touch. He shakes hands and takes a drink of Storm’s beer. Bischoff says Shelley just made his shit list. He leaves. I’m not happy that Sabin was injured by a total waste of skin, but an Alex Shelley singles run would be a good idea.

CrimsonBerg .vs. Cold Blood

Any match that Matt Hardy will need to do most of the work in is guaranteed to not be a lot of fun. I could get a better match watching JCW, which is just sad. They basically brawl for a while. Matt Hardy is selling the fuck out of an irish whip. Hardy then takes him on the ropes and hits a neckbreaker. Hardy with a clothesline off the second rope. Elbows. Legdrop. Dumb standing sleeper that my cat could get out of, and my cat’s has been dead 3 years.

This fuckin’ Crimson guy attempted a pin after throwing a guy into the corner.

Matt goes to the top rope. Legdrop to the back of the head. Crimson gets up and delivers… clotheslines. Lots of clothesline. More clotheslines. A DDT. Two count. Crowd is dead. Hardy hits him with an elbow. This gets a TWO COUNT. Yeah, Crimson MUST be unstoppable. Matt runs into something that Mike Tenay called the “Sky High” that didn’t look too bad. Pin.

Winner: Not Goldberg. Not even close.

Joe hits the ring. He eats a spear and bails as soon as he enters.

HAHAHA! What the fuck was the point of that?!?!

Backstage, Ken Anderson finds Eric Young. Literally nothing happens here. It was painful to watch. Ken Anderson wants Eric Young to perform as Great Muta tonight. Eric Young knows this is a trick. He says he saw last week’s episode and knows what Anderson is doing. Then he goes along with it for no reason at all. This doesn’t make any sense at all. It was literally 4 minutes long.

Winter is screaming about Velvet kicking her ass last week. Angelina quiets her, and says that they need to get back to their royal roots or something? I don’t know. Angelina says she understands now.

Bischoff is talking to Immortal. He talks a lot too. Something about The Network winning the battle because they write the checks. He walks out. Everyone is confused. No one has any idea what is going on. I also have no idea what is going on during this show tonight. Am I just stupid now? Did I miss something critical during the first few minutes when I tuned in late? Whatever it could be, literally NOTHING entertaining has happened so far besides Alex Shelley’s arrival, and that was watered down by more of this The Network bullshit. No one can possibly like this show. Even TNA doesn’t want us to like the show anymore I don’t think. They will make it their life’s mission to alienate any and all remaining fans until death or madness takes them.

Commercial.

Miss Tessmacher .vs. Angelina Love

Taz and Tenay don’t care about this match. They are celebrating Eric Bischoff being gone from TNA Wrestling? What the fuck? Am I drunk? Am I just dreaming this? When did that happen? Is this show in code? I can’t blame them for not caring about this. This is the second-dumbest fucking storyline in a long time, behind the drugging storyline that also involved these two. These two talk about being from a past life, which is pretty dumb. Even dumber that they apparently plan on taking over the world by winning wrestling matches that barely anyone sees. Except that they don’t win any matches.

This was terrible. Crowd was dead. I’m not recapping it. Angelina is The Undertaker now I guess, in terms of selling. But partway through the match she started selling the fuck out of the same moves. This was one of the worst matches I’ve seen in a long time, even by Knockout standards. It was mostly them falling over each other while trying to perform moves.

I like how the girl was just posing on the other girl’s shoulders instead of actually attempting the victory roll.

Winner? Nope.

This is all unwatchable so far. This is why Impact’s rating never goes up for shit. 1.3 is not a big deal. 1.3 is nothing. Commercial.

Ken Anderson segment number THREE tonight, and he comes out, still as Sting. If I spent my entire life searching, do you think I could find someone who could come up with a more boring premise for a feud?

Ken Anderson .vs. Eric Young

He makes Christy Hemme announce “The Not-So-Great-Muta”. Not funny. Even to people who don’t like Great Muta that would not be a bit funny. Eric Young is here in Muta facepaint, which… is easily the only entertaining thing Eric Young has done in years. He has all the mannerisms down perfectly. That doesn’t excuse this waste of time though. Anderson jumps into the ropes a bunch of times and mocks Sting. Crowd goes… to sleep. You can hear Young and Anderson talking to each other. Young looks annoyed at Anderson. Except Young knew what he was getting into. So I’m not sure why he cares now all of a sudden.

Anyway, Anderson kicks his ass with some boring moves. Eric Young actually gets a good amount of offense in, which is funny because Ken Anderson is like a main event guy. It was even funnier when Gunner interfered and Eric Young pinned Ken Anderson anyway.

Winner: Eric Young. Over Ken Anderson. You read that right.

So the #1 Contender lost to a mentally damaged running joke. I can’t believe what I’m watching. Gunner and Anderson kick EY’s ass. Real Sting hits the ring, Anderson bails, and he clotheslines Gunner out of the ring.

Only an hour and ten minutes in. This is the worst show all year. And that’s really saying something. The first week after “Wrestling Matters” happened was awful. Last week wasn’t as bad. But this is the worst. I’m literally falling asleep. Commercial.

#1 Contender (For TNA X-Division Title) Match
Kazarian .vs. “Kendricks”

Finally, something maybe decent. These guys shake hands. Jockey for position to start, with Kaz getting the upper hand. Hip tosses and an armbar from Kendricks. Oklahoma roll by Kaz gets 2, followed by some firemans carries and a jump-spin-kick. Nice gutwrench by Kaz. 2 count. Slam and a springbord legdrop attempt misses, and Kendricks goes for a suicide dive but eats floor. Back into the ring, and Kaz gets 2. Kendricks battles back but eats a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. 2 count. Duelling chants for Kaz and Kendricks. Suplex by Kaz. 2 count. Kaz slapping Kendricks around a bit.

Nice dropkick by Kaz. 2 count. Frequent pin attempts by Kaz are a nice touch. Leg-sleeper thing by Kaz. Kendrick runs Kaz into the turnbuckle, and Kendricks sends Kaz over his head and they trade punches. Taz calls them “forearm shivers”. Kendricks with a superkick and a dropkick from the top rope. 2 count. Monsault from the 2nd by Kendricks misses, but he lands on his feet and hits a hurricanrana. Kendricks wastes too much time on the rope and hits an air neckbreaker.

Kendrick goes for his finish, but Kendricks shakes lose and hits a STIFF superkick. Kaz battles back and hits a SWEET shining wizard, and Kendricks goes flying to the floor. Kaz rolls him in the ring, but eats a quickrollup for 2. Backslide by Kaz gets a 2 count. Rollup by Kendricks gets another 2 count. They literally chain rollups across the ring until Kendricks falls out. The bell rings, apparently the time limit is up. I guess Impact’s matches don’t often go long enough for this to have ever been noticed before.

Winner: No Contest.

Kaz and Kendricks want 5 more minutes. The crowd is chanting for it. Earl Hebner puts on a headset and talks to someone, and then says that Bischoff has granted the match another 5 minutes.

Kaz and Kendricks trade punches before leaping into one another’s rib cages. Abyss comes out and goes for Kaz, but Kendricks jumps on him before getting tossed off. Abyss gives Kendricks the Shock Treatment, which is an awesome move. He then gives Kaz the Blackhole Slam, which is another awesome move. Abyss grabs his belt and poses before talking about the Art Of War.

Not a bad match aside from the fact that they restarted it only to end it 5 seconds later on interferance. Commercial.

Apparently AJ Styles and Bully Ray are about to have a “confrontation”. They go through the history on these two, which is actually a feud that is not too badly put together. AJ calls out Bully Ray. Ray trashes the crowd. Ray says that AJ beat Dreamer last week, not Ray. Ray calls Dreamer a terrible partner just like D-Von was. Ray doesn’t like that AJ plays video games. Bully Ray likes drinking and lap dances. Ray does deliver a good line: “If God was a bully, he’d be me.” AJ says that Ray changed his name becaues he has a small dick. Ray says there is nothing wrong with his dick. They talk about cocks some more. Ray is yelling at some people in the crowd. Ray is tremendous at getting heat. AJ wants a Last Man Standing Match at Slammiversary. Ray thinks AJ is crazy. AJ doesn’t back down. Not a bad segment, minus the dickchat.

Main Event Mafia Reunion .vs. nWo 2000 Reunion

About 3 months ago, Scott Steiner was trying to bring down Jeff Jarrett’s stable… with Kurt Angle. Mike Tenay wants me to call up all my friends to witness whatever the fuck is going on with Eric Bischoff. They’re saying it’s his last night in Impact Wrestling. Jarrett is sitting Karen at ringside again. Earl doesn’t like this again. They’re sending Karen to the back. Didn’t they try this shit last week? She just came back out afterwards.

Jarrett and Morgan to start. The heels continue to tag out so that they don’t have to fight their adversaries. So Steiner and Angle start. He charges Steiner and Steiner gets a boot up before eating a belly-to-belly for 2. Steiner pounds on Angle and tags Jarrett, who eats a hip toss. Angle takes Jarrett down, but Jarrett pushes him off. Morgan tags in, and Angle is not happy about this I guess? Jarrett goes for a tag, but Steiner doesn’t want in. Morgan hits a chokeslam and lands Jarrett on his dick. Hah.

Backstage, Hogan is showing up. Bischoff hands him paper. We’re watching them talk without sound. We get nothing out of this. And there’s no way to keep up with the match. Not that this match is worth keeping up with. Steiner is stomping Angle down in the corner when that’s over. Steiner tags Jarrett in, so Jarrett runs into an Ankle Lock before pushing Angle off. Pushing Angle off is enough to put him down I guess? I don’t know. Morgan tags in and hits that dumb slam move. Steiner comes in from behind. Dudes are just running into this match now. Earl is just standing there, not willing to do anything I guess. SIDEWALK SLAM BY THE BLUEPRINT MATT MORGAN!!! 2-count. Another dumb slam for 2. Angle jumps Jarrett, and they brawl to the back.

Angle gets the Ankle Lock on Jarrett at the top of the ramp, and then Karen comes out. I totally didn’t see that coming at all! Jarrett jumps him and they go behind a pillar or something? They’re off camera. When we see behind the camera, I guess Karen falls down some stairs or something? Jarrett is screaming for medics. Kurt is screaming for paramedics too, and says Jarrett is dumb. They are swearing at each other about whose fault this is. Jarrett is screaming that Kurt pushed her. Kurt says Karen should have never been in TNA. This goes on for a while, and is like super-serious looking. Which is funny because it’s been pretty much nothing but comedy for a while now.

Commercial. Who the fuck is dumb enough to pay $24.99 a week to RENT a TV, “without using credit”? People are dumb.

Karen is being carried out on a stretcher. She’s got a neck collar. Now the announcers are saying that they hope she is okay. I don’t even know what to say to that.

Phew. Last segment. I don’t even have any idea what they’re doing with this Hogan / Bischoff shit, and I’m not the least bit interested to find out.

Impact Wrestling Main Event
Hulk Hogan & Eric Bischoff .vs. An Envelope (Contents Unknown)

Hogan and Bischoff come to the ring with at least $100 worth of unneccesary pyro. Bischoff hands Hogan the letter, which he apparently hasn’t opened. Then how does he know what’s in it? Bischoff talks about his history with Foley. He says Foley sucked in WCW. He goes on for a while. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!! THIS FUCKING SHOW!!!

Hogan tells him that Bischoff is his partner. Hogan says they’ve made history together and that he’s not scared of whatever is in the envelope. He opens it and blabbers. The note says that they’re terminating Hogan and Bischoff’s positions? Or something?

Then Hogan says that Foley is fired, not them. Great. Fade out, roll credits, worst TNA show this year over. I really am dreading watching another episode of this next week. I don’t know how many more of these I have left in me. I might just do “Interinactivity” as an article by itself soon. This has been “That Being Said”.

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