For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/6/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/6/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, clearly tougher than just enough column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and we are on the path to Capitol PUN-ishment.

Tonight’s main event is apparently going to be an apology, because Dr. Phil has been booking these shows. Hey, at least they’re trying someone new, and to their credit, R-Truth has yet to blow his opportunity.

Speaking of opportunity, tonight they’ll crown a new Tough Enough champion. It’s either Fake Test or Too Short Luke. Neither one of those guys scream future WWE Champion, so chances are they’ll fall in the Maven category instead of the Morrison category.

Before RAW starts, Tough Enough did it’s live in-ring finale. Austin did an abbreviated version of his closing thoughts until Vince McMahon showed up.

The RAW Judicial Review for 6/6/11

We open with Vince and Steve in the ring with the Tough Enough finalists, Andy and Luke. Vince asks why they should be in the same ring as Shawn Michaels, Andre the Giant, Sgt. Slaughter and Steve Austin.

Andy said he would guaran-damn-tee, which gets him cut off. Luke said he’s gonna show them, love him or hate him, that he’s a Superstar. Vince said he made up his mind before he came out there and he’s gonna name the winner. Steve looks all pissed off and mocks Vince’s suit before pointing out that he picks the winner.

Steve Austin stares both men down for a while but Vince keeps interrupting. We get a drum roll as Steve continues to gaze. The winner of Tough Enough is Andy. As soon as he’s declared the winner, Vince slaps him in the face. Steve helps him up and gives him a Stunner, which Andy sells like a fish out of water.

RAW now officially starts moments after Andy blows his chance with Resurrection-Truth coming out dressed like a Confederate Soldier. Vince tosses us to a replay of what R-Truth did last week with that dastardly soda.

Truth thanks Vince for showing the replay before saying that he’s sorry. He’s a good R-Truth. He apologizes to Big Jimmy, Little Jimmy and the wasted soda. It was refreshing.

Austin calls him a jackass. Truth points out that he’s in Richmond, the capitol of the Confederacy. R-Truth says that nothing good ever came out of the South, the Confederacy did have one good idea, secession. R-Truth seceded from the WWE Universe. He says they can’t use him in any merchandising because he’s the victim of a conspiracy.

Vince points out that his first name is R before asking how to spell it. McMahon tells Truth his office hours and offers to set up a meeting.

The Miz comes out now, in one hell of a suit. He points out that he would still be WWE Champion if not for the Mizfit. Miz demands a title shot, and this brings out The Mizfit.

Mizfit says that all Miz deserves is a beatdown. This brings out the stars-n-bars champion John Cena. Cena rips everyone one by one before saying that Truth has his title match. R-Truth does a jig, which sets off the…

GMail. And I paraphrase…Vince tells Michael Cole to shut up. McMahon books Cena & Mizfit versus R-Truth & The Miz.

Commercial.

Santino Marella w/ Variant Blue Kozlov v. Slightly Perfect w/ David Otunga

Did Cole really just start this match referencing Superstars? Santino hits an atomic drop, which SP sells worse than Andy. Santino tries for the Cobra, which SP flees like it’s a knife. Marella hits a dropkick that SP couldn’t decide if he wanted to sell, so he responds by throwing one of his own.

They trade small packages (make your own joke there) before SP grabs a resthold. Santino breaks free and delivers some Wacky Offense before going for the Cobra. SP rolls to the outside but Kozlov bulldozes Otunga. SP drops Santino across the second rope and tries for a running uppercut but Marella dodges it and hits the Cobra for the pin.

After the match, Santino and Kozlov do some goofy celebrating in the ring.

Here comes Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix as we fade to…

Commercial.

Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix v. The Bella Twins

One of the Bella Twins is Tramp Stamp Champion but I’ll be damned if I know which one. One Bella and Kelly start and Kelly hits a hurricarana for two. Bella stun-guns her and tags in Other Bella. They slam her into the turnbuckle and then trade tags again.

Kelly breaks free and tags in Beth Phoenix, who hits an atomic drop and manages to fall herself. Guess Andy’s rubbing off on everyone. She goes for a pin but it gets broken up by the Other Bella. Kelly clears her and Beth hits the Glam Slam for the pin.

Commercial.

Booker T and Trish are in the back chatting about what they’re gonna do after Tough Enough. He wants to teach Trish the Trish-a-rooni, but Kurt SwAngle interrupts. He says that Booker isn’t Tough Enough and challenges him to a match. Booker accepts and says that SwAngle will be left asking if he can dig that, sucka.

Punk comes out with Nave Natista. He sits Tatanka style and he talks about how he’s beaten Rey Mysterio 600 times. Punk promises to beat Rey and asks us to come along for the journey.

Commercial.

CM Punk w/ Wave Watista v. Rey Mysterio

Punk tells Rey to worry about his foot before trying to take his head off. Punk grabs a headlock but Rey reverses it into a hammerlock. Rey and Punk do some Cirque de WWE until Punk gets knocked to the outside and Rey hits a hurricarana on the mat. Yave Yatista stares him down, but Rey still manages to whip Punk into the ring and drops a leg off the top rope for two.

Punk goes for a GTS on Rey but Mysterio blocks it and goes to the top rope but, like Andy’s push, has his legs kicked out from underneath him. Punk locks in a leg scissor. Rey breaks free but gets launched into the steel ringpost.

Rey fights back with some punches but gets dropped across the top rope with a suplex. Punk climbs to the second rope and goes for a superplex. Rey knocks him off and leaps from the top rope. Rey hits a hurricarana but comes off the ropes into a slam for two.

Mysterio and Punk trade counters until CM Punk gets dropkicked into the rope. Ratista climbs into the ring apron to distract Rey but it doesn’t work and Rey hits a top rope splash for the pin.

We get yet another Obama wacky press conference, but this time it has R-Truth.

John Cena and The Mizfit are in the back and Cena smells a rat.

Commercial.

Next Monday in a three hour RAW it’s All-Star Night.

Alberto Del Rio is out, but of course you already knew that, you clairvoyant bastards. He explains the fine points of slander. Del Rio demands that The Big Show comes out for an apology, making this the second apology on this show.

We get Ricardo Rodriguez dressed like The Big Show on crutches eating a sandwich. He has a giant catcher’s mitt hand, which is supposed to be funny I guess. He also is tatted up, so we learned a lot about Ricardo tonight.

The gag here is that he just keeps yelling “gah!” over and over, mocking how bad a promo Big Show really is. Del Rio cuts a fairly generic promo which is uncharacteristic as it finally comes to an end.

We get a Kofi Kingston video package, because it’s time for the annual push Kofi agenda.

Commercial.

Zack Ryder w/ Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero v. Kofi Kingston

Kofi and Ryder lock up in the ring and Zack does a fist pump. Kofi connects with a spinning elbow and a dropkick. Zack asks if he’s serious and takes a punch to the face. Kofi leaps at the turnbuckle but no one’s home and Ryder hits a neckbreaker for two. He slams Kingston into the turnbuckle and kicks him in the face.

Kofi battles back with Controlled Frenzy and the Boom Boom Boom. He sets up for the Trouble in Paradise but Ryder blocks it only to get caught with TIP for the pin.

R-Truth and The Miz are talking in the back as we fade to…

Commercial.

At Capitol Punishment, it’ll be The Miz versus The Mizfit.

Kurt SwAngle v. Booker T

Booker and SwAngle lock up and Booker gets a hammerlock. SwAngle elbows out of hit and hammers away. Booker comes back with a spin-kick and fires off some chops. SwAngle clotheslines him to the outside.

SwAngle rolls him back into the ring and drops some elbows. He hammers away on Book but gets caught with a spinning heel kick and more chops. SwAngle avoids the axe kick and flees to the outside.

SwAngle points out that he doesn’t need this and takes the count-out. Evan Bourne jumps Swangle from behind and this leads to Booker hitting the axe kick, which leads to AirBourne.

Steve Austin is walking in the back towards a…

Commercial.

John Cena & The Mizfit v. The Miz & Resurrection-Truth w/ Steve Austin

Everyone comes to the ring as we go to…

Commercial. Yes, that was the whole segment.

We’re back and it’s Cena and Miz starting out. John wrings the arm before tagging in Riley. Miz sprints and tags in Truth. Truth does his Minstrel Offense on Riley for a bit before going for a resthold. Riley huptosses him and goes for the pin but it only gets two.

Riley tags in Cena, but Truth runs to tag in The Miz. We get some wackiness before Truth and Mizfit wind up in the ring until we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and The Miz has a resthold on Mizfit. Mizfit battles out of it but R-Truth distracts him and Miz DDT’s him for two. Miz stomps Mizfit in the corner for a while but Austin pulls him out.

Miz blind charges the corner but Mizfit moves out of the way and we get the dueling slow crawls. Truth stops Riley from making the tag and grabs a rest hold. Truth them tosses Mizfit into another corner and stomps on him a bit before hitting a bodyslam.

Mizfit tags in Cena, who busts out the Five Moves of Mediocrity on The Miz. Truth breaks it up but gets launched out of the ring. Miz gets caught in the STFU but he makes it to the ropes.

Truth comes in with a chair but Cena dropkicks it into his face. Miz and Cena clunk heads and now they’re both down. Mizfit comes in with the briefcase and he makes it look like he’s going to clock Cena. Instead, he nails The Miz, who gets Stunned by Austin and eats an FU for the pin.

Austin tosses beers to The Mizfit, which probably won’t end well. Cena poses with the WWE Title and drinks a beer. The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…the ref overstepped his authority, therefore Cena and Riley have been disqualified. Also, next week on RAW Steve Austin will be the Guest GM.

Cole gets popped in the face, a beer bath, a Stunner and an FU. AND he sold it better than Andy.

This has been for your consideration.

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